Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Normal Activity - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not miss
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Everybody's body camera on here?

- Yep!
- Yep.

- Yeah.
- Check.

We need hard evidence

if we're gonna stop
this graffiti vandal.

All right, don't you think
that we're overreacting?

I mean, do we all
really need to be here?

- For real!
- Okay, fine.

If you don't want to stay
and protect the school,



then I'll just hire
security with the money

that I was gonna put
towards karaoke

at the faculty Christmas party.

No, no, no, no! No!

I have to sing "I Don't Want
To Miss a Thing." I have to.

Yeah, well, I'd like to
see one of these vandals

try to spray paint my car again.

- Ew. What is that?
- What, this stuff?

- Massole Energy Drink.
- That stuff'll kill you.

What do you think,
you're better than me?!

Uh... no, I just think
that that stuff is...

No, no, no... That's
their slogan.

"What do you think,
you're better than me?!"

Stuff'll keep you up for,
like, 72 hours straight.



That's why I'm drinking this.

Oh! It stings!

Yeah, it's coffee, Fairbell.

It's gonna burn a
little bit going down.

Welcome to the big-boys club.

Oh, they forgot the
ginger-bread syrup.

In an attempt to
cover more ground,

we're gonna be splitting
up into teams of two.

And I know everyone
here naturally wants

to get paired up with Loren.

That's not a thing. No.

So, I decided to write everyone's
name down on a piece of paper.

So, Fairbell, you are
gonna be with Shoemaker.

- Fine by me.
- Yes! My number-five choice!

This might just be the Massole
Energy Drink talking,

but if you come anywhere
near me or my car,

I will cut your
freakin' heart out.

Yeah, well, bring an oven mitt,

'cause my heart feels
like it's on fire!

Ooh, Loren, you are gonna
be paired up with... Phil

Damn it! Come on,
Quinn, not Phil.

He's so boring!

- Hey!
- At least you're not with Abbey.

I am. She's gonna
yap-yap-yappiey-yapping

about her early-onset menopause.

I don't have
early-onset menopause!

- Look... she's already doing it.
- It's ridiculous.

Okay. Well, let's get
started, all right?

Remember, remain vigilant.

We have to catch this
psychopath, okay?

Okay.

Wow.

Try and tag my car.

Come and get it, you bastards!

Hello? Guys?

Ahh!

Ohh! God! Oh, my God, Doris!

You can't ignore me
all night, Billy.

Not now, Doris. I'm on duty.

- Let me in, asshat.
- Aw, man.

Well, I'm sorry if I'm wild
and overly aggressive.

I chugged a Massole
on the way over.

You mean the energy drink?

Nah. Some guy on the bus
in a Celtic jersey.

God... so, so honest.

Wait, I-I can't talk right now!

Honey, baby, I didn't
come here to talk.

I came for the
bottomless bread sticks.

Oh, girl!

You know I love it when you
talk dirty Olive Garden.

When you're here, you're family.

Aah, bodanzia!

- Sorry, I had to get Gramps.
- Oh, good call.

Dogs can hear and smell
things that we can't.

Hey, wait a second. Was that
there five minutes ago?

No.

He's definitely
sensing something.

Oh, my God!

What the hell, Fairbell?

There's something dark and terrible
inside me, and I can't get it out!

Okay, Coach, what are
you talking about?

Something black and it's bitter.

Get it out of me!
Get it out of me!

Okay, Coach, you need
to calm down and relax.

What is going on here?

- Mr. Weepy said not tell you.
- Wait, who's Mr. Weepy?

How do you know about Mr. Weepy?

One rapper... you
can't name one rapper

in the history of hip
hop that you like?

It's just not in my
preferred genre of music.

Dr. Dre, Wu-Tang Clan...

Now you're just
making up rappers.

Damn it, Phil. You are so lame.

Well, I like who I am.

I like geometry.

I like a starred Stafford shirt.

I like bird watching.
I like singing.

- Dude, bird watching?
- Yeah.

Bird watching's my

Okay, Fairbell, it's
me Abbey, your friend!

Everyone knows you don't
have any friends!

You better control
your dog, Quinn.

Mr. Weepy says nothing's
to be controlled!

Chaos reigns!

- Run! Run!
- Gramps!

Run, creature of the night!
Argh!

A... ahh!

Okay! Abigail!

- Why do you have Mace?!
- Ahh!

I-I got it to work through 2004!

Were you there celebrating
your 40th birthday?

A... ahh!

Okay, okay, okay! Abigail,
that one he deserves.

Fairbell, you have to escape!

I can't! I can't even see!

I'll give you demon strength!

- Ahh! Ugh!
- Oh, God.

Um, I'm gonna go get a
chair and some rope.

Okay. Yeah.

What's the matter, Billy?

Everything all right
with your honker?

Everything's fine. I just...

I've got a lot on my
mind right now, Doris.

Ooh, a real deep thinker.
Start the car, Einsteen.

- I want to lit my ciggy.
- Oh, fine.

Oh, no, God! So sorry, Doris!

I...

Doris? Doris?!

Doris!

No!

Why?!

Why?

Doriiiiiiis!!

Okay, you want to know what
my favorite is though?

- 100% - My favorite-favorite?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Flickers.

- Dude! I love flickers.
- What?

Are you kidding me? People
hate on them so much.

I'm like, it's all the fun of
woodpeckers, three times the color.

I mean, I know they run
endemic species out,

but if you look like that, girl,

I don't care who was
there before you.

Phil, you are bad!

- Hey, hey, hey! Loren, hey!
- Jesus Christ, Shoemaker!

Listen, I need your
help with something!

I'm in the middle of
something with Phil.

- With Phil? He's a nerd!
- I'm sorry, Phil.

I'd much rather stay here
and talk birds with you,

- but Shoemaker's super insecure.
- Well, I understand.

Oh, dude, if you hear any
grey-horned owls, text me, okay?

Doy hickey.

- You're the man, Phil.
- Come on!

You're hanging out
with Phil now?

I-I think it's cool.

You know he watches birds?

What is so important?

I was having a great... a
decent time with Phil.

Okay, so, um, I was trying
to move this tarp, okay?

But I'm not strong enough.

This tarp? This doesn't
look that heavy.

Well, maybe not for a big,
strong guy like yourself.

Yeah, that checks out.

Dude, this hardly
weighs anything.

Watch. Got it. Got it.

You mind if I snap a
couple photos of you?

Only if I can re-Gram it, dude.
I'll pose.

- That's really cool of you to do.
- How about this?

- Maybe back up a little bit...
- Okay!

So I can get your whole body in.

Watch, watch... I bet I
can get it over my head.

- No, no, no...
- I bet I can get it over my head.

See, I don't' think
you have to do that.

Oh... oh, my God.

Dude, this is way
heavier than it looks.

What is in this thing?

Doris' body.

What?! Doris' body?!

Yeah, and the good news
is now that we're done,

all we have to do is just
bury and we're gone.

Are you insane? What happen...
We have to call the police.

No, no, no, no! We
can't call the police!

Oh, !

Your fingers taste like
the dirty Olive Garden.

Okay, she died in the car.

Wasn't my fault,
totally natural,

but now my DNA may be
all over her body.

So... so we can't
go to the police.

We are not doing anything.
You are on your own, buddy.

No, no, no, no, no, my friend,

because you are implicated now.

Damn it!

I look so jacked in that photo,

and now I can't use it,
'cause of Doris' stupid body.

Now help me bury her.

Ugh, fine.

Oh, dude... I can
photoshop her body out

and still use it
as a profile pic.

- That's my girlfriend!
- Later, when you're done mourning.

Sorry for you loss.

Ahh, he's got my beard!

He's biting! Tickle him!
Tickle him, release!

- Ahh!
- Oh, my God!

I think Fairbell's been
possessed by a demon.

- Ahh, no Jabba, no badda!
- Is he speaking Aramaean?

No, "Star Wars," which
is just as creepy.

I really think this
is gonna work.

Yeah, how you figure? We've
been busting our asses.

We're, like, six inches
into the ground.

Well, I think the first
part was just topsoil.

I think it's smooth
sailing from here on...

damn it, that's it. We're
calling the cops right now.

No, no, no, we can't
call the cops!

Ugh! Grave fingers! Stop putting
your fingers in my mouth!

We'll just put her in here
and cover her in dirt.

After that, it's not
our problem anymore...

a terra non mea culpa.

That's the legit?
That's legally binding?

It's Latin, so I think so, yeah.

It is Latin. Okay, yes.

Plus she's got this tarp, right?

That's like a proper
burial in itself.

Okay, but please just be
careful with my sweetheart.

Yes, of... of course, of course.

- On three...
- All right.

- Three...
- There we...

Oh, my God! What was that sound?
You, like, bent her in half!

She's dead. She can't feel it.
Don't worry about it.

Well, we should say a few
words, you know, to honor her.

I think it's a little
late for honor, man.

I'll do it.

Doris, uh, I'm
gonna miss your...

bright, red, Irish eyes

and that thrice-broken
nose, and your mouth.

Oh, God, you're mouth. Oh,
my God, your mouth...

- Shoemaker! Come on, dude!
- What?!

- Who would expect?
- I'm not good at these things!

Damn it.

I'll do it. Fine.

Doris, you were a
good bartender.

I'm sorry for that
negative Yelp review,

but that glass was filthy.

- Come on.
- And I just want to say...

I could stay lost in
this moment forever.

I don't want to close my eyes.
I don't want to fall asleep.

'Cause I miss you, baby.

And I don't wanna miss a thing.

- Was that Aerosmith?
- I don't know.

It's just that song
from "Armageddon."

It's dope, right?

Do you mind if I have a
few minutes... alone?

Yeah, okay. Whatever.
I'm gonna bounce.

Oh, yeah.

- Dude!
- Sorry.

Well, he needs an exorcism,

and unfortunately
for this demon,

I happen to be an
ordained minister...

online, at the
Universal Life Church.

Quinn, exorcism is
an archaic practice

used to treat undiagnosed
schizophrenia.

It's religious theater.

Mr. Weepy says you
have old eggs!

Oh, silence!

Unholy demon!

Okay, okay! Just maybe...

maybe we try the
nonviolent approach.

What do you say there?

Mr. Weepy says your
carbon footprint is huge!

You son of a bitch!
I was lied to!

It wasn't my fault!
Volkswagen lied to us!

Okay, okay, okay.

Even if he isn't possessed,
he thinks he is.

It's psychosomatic,

so maybe an exorcism
would be good for him.

Hey, Quinn, apropos of nothing,

if were to need, like, a lot
lye, where would one...

What are you doing to Fairbell?

- What is wrong with you?
- Hey... you got to help me.

Abbey Maced me, and
then they tied me up,

and then she was hitting me
with her Hot Topic belt.

- What?
- Wait, o-o-o-o-o-okay!

Oh, that's the demon
saying you shop there.

God, a few pentagrams you
guys lose you minds.

Let me help you, buddy.

Loren, Quinn thinks that
he might be possessed.

He's not possessed.

He just got somebody
Netflix password.

- He's over-stimulated...
- Yeah.

And you tie him up
like a monster.

Thanks.

The smell of death is upon you.

What's gotten into him?
He's talking crazy.

First place... crab relay.

Wow, he's... he's
very agile, huh?

What a... what an athlete.
I'm gonna go see

if he can teach me
how to do that.

Hey, Fairbell, wait up!

He just released the devil
to crab walk among us.

Fairbell?

Fairbell, I've got,
like, a lot of candy.

Fairbell, when you said you
could smell the death on me,

what did you mean
by that exactly?

What... what... is this?

Hey, Loren! Loren.

Hey.

Olive Garden!

Olive Garden.

Ow!!

What happened to you?

I don't even know.

Somebody cold-cocked me. I
don't remember anything.

You don't remember
anything, huh?

Well, w-w-w-what's the
last thing you remember?

Uh, the last thing I
remember I was...

I was putting my clothes on
this morning, getting dressed.

Mm-hmm. So, nothing...
nothing else?

Oh, wait... yeah, yeah.

I remember, um, you
banging Doris to death

and then helping me cover
your tracks, you dick!

God damn it!

- Is she buried or what?
- It's done!

She's under, like, six
inches of dirt out there.

Okay, good.

Who the hell's this?

It's...

What? W-what is it?

It's a text...

from Doris.

Doris?

She's not dead?!

She may be alive.

- Come on!
- Dude!

I'm coming for you!

- Hol... holy -
Where is her body?!

How the hell am I
supposed to know, man?!

I just finished burying her!

Well, somebody must have
dragged her out of here, man.

- It was you! Who'd you tell?!
- I didn't tell anybody!

- Who'd you tell?
- I didn't tell anybody.

I'm not insane! Oh, Fairbell..

Fairbell said something
about, like,

- smelling the death on me.
- That's it! It was Fairbell!

He's probably the one that's
putting all the pentagrams

- all over everything!
- You think so?

Yeah.

- What? What it is?
- It's a text.

- It's from Doris.
- What?

"You can't hide
from me forever."

It wasn't Fairbell.

You buried Doris
alive, you idiot.

Holy man!

I buried my girlfriend alive!

Oh, my God. Oh, go...

- There's another one from her!
- You should take that.

I'll go. I'll just go.
You take that.

No, no, no, no, you're not! You
and I are in this together!

I was supposed to help you bury the body.
That's it.

Anything after that
is on you, dude.

Exo terra no mea culpas...
look it up, bro.

Fine, but your DNA's
on this tarp!

- Damn it!
- Yeah, that's right,

and I hope you and I
are cellies, bud,

because you got
"Community bicycle"

written all over your
purdy, little mouth.

Fine, I'll help you, but not
'cause of the bicycle thing.

I just believe in seeing a job
through all the way to the end.

Sure, whatever you have to tell
yourself to get to sleep at night.

Okay, where do we start looking?

I don't know, but
I'm bringing this.

Damn it.

- Doris? Sweetheart?
- Doris! Doris?

- Check it.
- You check it.

- You check it.
- I'll get this one.

I mean, she wasn't
anywhere else,

so she has to be
out here, right?

Oh, what's that? I
stepped on something!

Is that a deflated football?

I think it's, like,
a glove or...

- Oh, God, it's a hand!
- Oh, God!

Ohh, it's a hand,
and I touched it!

- Oh, God! Ugh!
- What are you doing?

Don't wipe it off on me!
What are you doing, man?!

- Ugh! Ahh!
- Oh, God.

Doris definitely has to be dead!

She never goes anywhere
without her right hand.

Where is the rest of her?

How the hell am I
supposed to know, man?

- Rest of what?
- Ahh!

Oh, hey, Rod! What are...

what are you doing out
of bed, little guy, huh?

'Cause I'm here for
the grave-yard shift.

This isn't a grave yard!

- What?
- You're crazy.

You know, why don...

why don't we just get
you inside, huh?

W-w-what do you... Oh, no!

No, no, no, no, no! Did
you get a haircut?

- No. I'm just going bald.
- Oh, God!

- What?
- Oh... I said "Oh, Rod!"

Oh, Rod, you're not
going bald, man!

No! No!

- No, no, no, no!
- You all right?

No. No, yes!

I mean, I don't know
what I'm saying.

Did you get a new shirt?

I get... It looks
like a Tommy Bahama,

but I can't...

It's actually a Tony Bahama.

Tony Bahama!

I-I... you know, I
never really realized

that, uh, he had an arm!

Arm-e. Army!

What color are my eyes?

Um, brown? I don't know.

What is it, like, hazel, maybe?

You don't have any liquor
on you, do you Rod?

They're all laughing
at you, Coach.

I know, but...

I don't want them to
laugh at me anymore.

I can make it stop,

but first you have
to find more coffee.

Coffee!

What? I want it!

Well, that kind of worked.

Yeah. I only wished
that we hadn't spent

the last 30 minutes

rigging up this elaborate
net and pulley system.

Well, it gave us a
chance to bond.

This is Abbey Rabinowitz Logan

recording the exorcism of
Andrew Crispin Fairbell.

Okay, tied up, check.
Um... holy water...

Ah, well, they gave us
this at the convention,

so, uh, check, okay.

Now I guess we just have
to banish the demon

out of his body.

Doesn't really say where
we should put it though.

There's just an 800
number on the back.

W-well, Quinn, this church seems
sort of pyramid scheme-y.

Well, tell that to the 14 people
that I had sign up for it.

You're already too late!

So, he's definitely awake now.
Here we go. All right.

Okay, Mr. Demon, my
name is Geoffrey Quinn.

I know you are, whore,
and you, fallen angel.

Okay, well, I think he might
have got those mixed up there.

Really, Quinn?
Because I'm a woman?

Not all women are
whores, all right?

I'm not the one being
exorcised here, Abbey, okay?

Just get a Bible.

Uh, Mr. Demon, what
is your true name,

or should I just call you Mr.
Weepy?

- I can only whisper it.
- I'm making contact.

- Okay.
- Come down here.

Oh, my God!

Abbey, how are we doing
with the Bible?!

- They're all full of!
- Just like your mother!

Mary Elizabeth
Quinn was a saint.

You take it back!

Abbey, just bring
whatever you got!

They're all desecrated. I
don't think it's gonna work.

Like your womb?

Oh!

So many... Where's the
chapter on exorcism?

Just say anything! Did
you know any prayers?

Uuuuuum!

As I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death, I
take a look at my life

and realize that nothing's left,

because I've been
blasting and laughing

so long that even my Mama
thinks that my mind is gone.

Are you saying the lyrics
to "Gangsta's Paradise"?!

Yeah, "Dangerous Minds"
was the only movie

that they let us
watch in prison.

Just use the holy water!

Fine!!

What are you doing?

I'm drinking the water!

I'm parched, Abbey!

Take that, Demon! You take it!

How do you like that, Demon?

Refreshing, fatty!

We're gonna have to do this
the old-fashioned way.

Careful, I'm ticklish.

Ahh!!

You know, I...

There's no easy way to say this,

so I'm just gonna come
right out with it...

Your mother is dead.

- What?
- Yeah.

H-how'd she die? It it
'cause her arm fell off?

No. I guess...

'Cause that's how
her mother died.

Really?

Well, anyway, I just want you
to know that my feelings

for your mother were very deep,

and I'm sorry that it
went down like this.

It could have been worse.

I thought syphilis was gonna
take her out years ago.

- Syphilis?
- She liked you, Shoemaker.

She really did.

And I want to thank you for
giving the old gal one last...

- one last hurrah.
- Well, I want to let you know

that I was very fond
of her, too, Rod.

Now, what do we do?
Do we call someone,

do we make arrangements, or...

No, my family... we bury
them where they fall...

Knorr family tradition.

He's gonna escape!

The power of Christ compels you!

No one likes you, Quinn,

especially not your
best friend Loren!

Quinn, don't listen to him.

He's just trying to fill
your head with lies...

with half-truths.

Half-truths, like
your Bumble profile,

like going rock climbing

and getting 'Potle
with your girls?

- How do you know that?!
- Everyone knows!

We talk about it and
laugh and laugh!

All right, let's kill him!

Hey... let me ask you something.

Did you know that
Doris had syphilis?

Yeah, everybody knew that. I
put it in my Yelp review.

You think you could
have told me that?

What is that now?

It's a message
from you asking me

if I want anything
from the Bucks.

Wait, are you still
on Cricket Wireless?

That's from, like,
five hours ago.

Yeah, I mean, I was gonna get
rid of it, but the rates are...

- That's...
- Oh!

- That's it!
- That's where the delayed

- That's what's going on.
- Text messages from Doris are from.

- It's actually funny, kind of.
- That is funny,

- if you take away the dog viciously...
- Yeah, that's funny.

Dismembering her.
Sorry, and then...

What is that?

No! Take it back!

Hey, what the hell
is going on in here?

Loren! You came back for me.

No, I just heard a
scream in here.

I didn't even know you
were in here at all.

Uh, we're kind of
busy right now.

Fairbell's possessed.

Possessed? No he's not.

What self-respecting demon
would want him as a host?

Stay out of it, Shoemaker!
No one respects you anyway.

You're wife, your
kid, your band...

Face it, you're the un-loved!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You talked to my son?
How... how is he?

Okay, let me talk to
Fairbell for a minute.

Buddy, you got to chill out.

Right, like I want
to take any advice

from the guy who hasn't
been laid in 18 months!

He's talking crazy.
That was a secret!

I found the exorcism
prayer, but it's in Latin.

Well, this sounds like
a job for a History...

The Language teacher...
I'll take that.

Te exorcisco spirito
amnis amundea.

- Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu...
- In nomine de Patri Onnipotenti.

Te exorcisco...

I cast you out, unclean spirit,

in the name of our
Lord, Jesus Christ!

Ee-e-e-ee-e-e-e-eeee!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Ahh! Ahh!

Ahh!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

It's everywhere.

This is so much better.

Sometimes you just have to
get it out of system, right?

- Oh, God.
- Just all out.

- I'm hungry.
- God, Fairbell.

Oh, wait... is this my
café vanano coffee?

Uh, yeah, why?

How much of this
stuff did you drink?

I don't know. I've never
drank coffee before.

I just started drinking
and then I kept drinking

- and then my brain got all fuzzy.
- Oh, my God.

Abbey, what is wrong with you?

Oh, I will take your
criticisms of my life choices

when you finally get laid.

18 months? I mean,
that is so sad!

Hey, I have had two HJs
during that time...

- two, okay?
- Even sadder!

Enough is enough, all right?
We still have to figure out

who painted this
pentagrams, okay?

I did.

I drew the pentagrams.

- Oh, that's very funny, Phil.
- Yeah, sure.

This is a very
serious situation.

I'm also a practicing Satanist.

Oh right. That is a good one.

No, really. Our motto
is "Do what thou wilt,"

and I wilted drawing
a bunch pentagrams.

See, Shoemaker? He's way
funnier than you'd think.

I... Okay. Yeah. I see it now.

- Exactly.
- Uh-huh.

You know what, maybe
this is one of those,

"We'll-never-know" type things.

You know, a mystery
for the ages.

Okay, it.

I'm gonna go if I can raise

Baphomet... the Goat Demon.

Alls well that ends well.

Why don't we go ahead
and call it a night.

Everybody, uh, just
give me your cameras.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God,

I forgot we were
even wearing these.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, here's an idea...

maybe we should just
destroy all this footage

and forget this night
ever happened.

- Yeah, let's... let's get started.
- Yeah, let's just go for it.

Let's just get rid
of all of this crap.

Power is just going down.

I'm so sorry, Doris.

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!