Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - Electile Dysfunction - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
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ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!

With all other
precincts reporting,

the Denver mayoral
race has come down

to the votes inside Smoot
High's polling place.

As you can see,
tensions are growing.

Principal Quinn, what
seems to be the problem?

Uh, there is absolutely
no problem, uh, here.

You cannot rush the
democratic, uh, process.

Uh, I assure everyone when we get
the results of the election,

they're gonna be
coming soon, okay?

- I have my best team on it.
- Get out!



Keep the change,
you filthy animal!

D Quit wasting my time d

d I ain't here for you d

d I'm just putting in work d

d Till my day is through d

Hey, you guys excited for today?

- Yeah.
- I would not miss this for the world.

- So pumped. Yeah.
- Wow!

I'm impressed that you're so
invested in this momentous occasion.

Of course, but I just...

I just can't believe "Upton
Bisby" is finally ending.

Wait, "Upton Bisby"?

I w... I'm talking about
the mayoral election.

- Mayoral election?
- Who gives a



Who gives a

We have the chance to
elect Teresa Ortega.

Uh, pbht!

She'll be the first female
minority mayor of Denver.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.

Abbey, mayoral elections happen

every 11 years or some bull

- No.
- The series finale

of the most beloved show...

- Yes.
- Of our entire generation...

that is a
once-in-a-lifetime event.

Look, I love "Upton Bisby," too.

I'm just gonna DVR it
and watch it tomorrow.

Real fans aren't DVR'ing it.

Real fans are hosting an official
"Upton Bisby" watch party.

- What?! No!
- Yep. Yep.

- How'd you get that?
- I'll tell you how.

$1,500 in pledges to
Rocky Mountain PBS

over the course of three
long, expensive months.

But...

I got this replica
Bisby estate satchel!

- Oh, man!
- Right?

Best part is, it came with an authentic
British country manor breakfast.

I got blood pudding.

We got blood butter.

- I got blood toast.
- What?

I have a vial of just blood,
and to top it all off,

spot of blood tea
to finish the meal.

Proper breakfast, don't you say?

So, uh, what time
should I come by?

- Maybe 8:00? I could stop...
- No, no, no.

I do not want any
Bisby-come-lately's at this party.

Die-hards only, dude.

Are you kidding? I'm
the hardest right now.

- Gross.
- All right, hot shot, Biz quiz.

- All right.
- In episode 43, "Bisby a Tizzy,"

what does Lady Gwenevieve
name her miscarried son?

Ha! Easy.

Wembley, after the
stable boy Wembley.

No, no, no, that's a
trick question, dummy.

Lady Gwenevieve doesn't have a
miscarriage in "Bisby a Tizzy."

Wembley is stillborn.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

Okay, I lied.

I'm two episodes behind,

but I'll get caught up
today, I promise you.

How are you gonna watch two
episodes in one school day?

It's eight hours of content.

- I don't know. I'll show a movie.
- No.

I mean, the kids have really
been wanting to see movies.

Floored donut! Yes!

Uh-oh, okay. What do you say?

Election day, election day.

Happy election day, everybody.

You guys ready to
soft-rock the vote?

See, Quinn gets it.

He isn't obsessed
with "Upton Bisby."

No, not at all. I'm
obsessed with making sure

that this polling
station runs Smootly.

- Okay, so he... gets it.
- Smootly?

But to be quite frank
with you guys,

I don't have enough volunteers.

I need a few more
people to pitch in.

So far, Coach
Fairbell's the only one

who signed up to
help count votes.

In high school, they called
me "The Human Calculator."

Mainly 'cause I could only spell
the words "hello" and "boobs."

I'll volunteer. I want to make sure that
it's a fair election for Teresa Ortega.

And everybody else.

Okay, well, that's the
spirit right there.

Anybody else want
to get involved?

- No.
- No, we're good, man.

You won't have to teach
class if you do it.

I could get caught
up on "Bisby."

Last two episodes
are incredible.

Yeah, yeah, I'll do it.
I'd love to.

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Okay.

Me, too.

For what we fight for today

defines our very tomorrow.

Nothing like an authentic
British breakfast

to set you on the right path.

Ew.

Lovely day for an election.

Tammy Sherman here to vote.

Let's see here.

Uh, I'm gonna need six forms
of identification, please.

Six forms?

- Are you serious?
- That's the rule.

- Next!
- I'm Rod.

Oh, go right on in, Mr. Rod.

Wait a minute. Where's
his six forms of I.D.?

I'm sorry, I must have left them
buried in the Afghan desert

when I was out there
protecting your right to vote!

There goes one of our boys.

And as for you...

six forms.

Well, I just took
a very concerning

Okay, we have a lot
of work ahead of us.

Right, that's why
I think it's best

we split up the
counting four ways.

Oh, yeah, see, Abbey,

Loren and I are kind of working
on something different,

so why don't you get
started without us?

- Thanks, guys.
- Okay.

Oh, damn! It's a campaign ad.

I hate this PBS Go app.

But it's Zane. This is my guy, dude.
This is my guy.

Hey, Denver.

You know, people think
we're pretty cool

for legalizing weed, don't they?

Well, I don't, all right?

Like six other cities have done it by now.
It's not even that cool.

It's not even that
interesting anymore, okay?

But you know what no other
city has legalized?

Cocaine!

Br-br-br!

- Yes.
- You know it as the blow,

the yeyo, the booger
sugar, the medium dream.

You know all these things.
I could keep going.

So I will! Anderson's Cooper.

Nostril parmesan. Quaking soda.

And Powderpuff Girls!

Looks like kind of a one-issue
candidate, doesn't he?

Yeah, but the issue
is dope as hell.

This is my dude. Zane train.

Look, imagine how great
the economy's gonna get

when we legalize our cocaine!

So vote for me, Zane,

and get prepared for some
skiing in downtown Denver,

'cause it's about
to sno-o-o-o-o-w!

Whoo!

I'm Zane, and I approve
the out of this message.

Cool hot tub. He's got my vote.

You just made a
very smart choice.

- Thank you.
- No, that dude is a monster.

That it why it is absolutely
vital that Teresa Ortega wins.

Now, we just need
to start counting.

- And now, "Upton Bisby."
- Ooh!

Is this the episode where they
break the carriage wheel?

- 'Tis.
- Oh!

One.

Two.

- Okay.
- Hey, Fairbell.

- God, dude!
- Shh.

Keep it down, man!

- We're trying to watch a TV show.
- What are you doing?

- Sorry.
- God.

Four.

Five.

Just a moment, please.
You, sir, go right ahead.

Wait a minute. Why does he
get to go right on through?

He's democracy pre-checked.

Uh, this is my brother Dunder,

and he's from Toronto.
And he was wondering

what it would feel like
to vote as an American.

- That's fine.
- She said yes!

Here, grabby le pen.

Wait a minute, he's
not even a citizen!

Okay, but they're having
such a good time.

Let's go into the same one.

Yeah, yeah.

Now it's your turn.

You got your six forms of I.D.?

Yep.

Tammy Sherman. Here to vote.

Ah.

Are you related to
a Tammy Sheman?

- Sherman.
- Well, it shows here

that a Sheman lives
at that address.

They dropped an "R."
Clearly, it's a typo.

If you would like to
file a correction,

you'll need to fill
out this form,

take it down to the city and
county building room 337.

But that will take forever.

If you want to vote, that's
what you'll have to do.

Fine.

You will not suppress
me, empty nest.

Better than that dumb
old hockey, right?

Let's go buy a snake.

2,804...

Wow.

- Oh, my God.
- Can you believe that?

That Toff Cadbury's
gonna run his family's

dairy fortune into the ground.

Well, how 'bout this
uppity stable boy Wembley

running for the House of Lords?

It's above his station.

You guys want to
watch another one?

Let's go ahead and
start this one.

- Oh, no, no, no. I have to help count.
- Oh.

- Whatever.
- Ah, damn it.

Another campaign... Ooh,
this is for Gil Nash.

- I like this guy.
- Oh, I hate this dude!

Whew.

They say that Denver's
government's in city hall.

Well, that's funny,

'cause I can feel their hands
in my pockets from here.

Hi, I'm Gil Nash.

When my great-grandfather,
Big Whiskey Chandler,

founded Denver, it was
a one-horse town.

He turned it into
a two-horse town,

and I say it's up to us to
turn it into a wild stampede.

- That's true.
- And that's what I've been trying to do,

one mixed-use condo at a time.

How do I do it?

By cutting out all that
government red tape.

As far as I'm concerned,

the only government
business is nunya!

As in nunya business,
government!

I like him. This guy's clever.

This guy's trying to turn
Denver into Houston.

What's with the Wrangler jeans?

That guy is such a hypocrite.

That's why I believe
in one tax, period.

I'm Gil Nash,

and I paid for this
with my own damn money.

- Yeah.
- Cool tractor. He's got my vote.

Did you hear that? He
believes in one tax, period.

Uh, yeah. Period...
the menstrual tax.

Well, what do I care
if he's gonna tax

a bunch of
flute-playing pussies?

No, not minstrel, idiot.

He wants to tax a woman's
menstrual cycle.

Abbey, to be fair,

bitches do be kind of
cray when they raggin'.

- That is true.
- You know what I mean?

I know that you are
trying to project

a Colonel Bisby tone right now,

but you're being
such a Toff Cadbury!

She's doing it right now.

I mean, we should at least
be making money off it.

I am not going to stop until
Teresa Ortega wins this thing.

- And now, Upton Bisby.
- Oh!

This is the bed rest episode.

- 'Tis.
- 2,821.

2,822.

Fairbell!

- God, dude!
- Shut up!

For the 100th time,
keep it down.

101.

102.

103.

Unh-unh. Not so fast.

I'm back from the city
and county building.

Room 337 was closed.

Oh, better luck next year.

Not so fast.

Room 337 was closed.

But room 338 was open,

the office where you can
legally change your name.

I am now officially
known as Tammy Sheman,

and I'm ready to vote.

Well, congratulations,
Miss Sheman,

but you're gonna have to
come back next election

because these polls are closed.

I can't even believe this.

Why doesn't that colonel

put that blasted butler
out of his misery?

Okay, not, uh,
trying to peek here,

but polling stations have
officially closed, so...

No pressure, but
how are we doing?

- Great. So great.
- Great.

- Yeah.
- Right, Fairbell?

- Yeah, I'm almost done.
- There you go.

322. 323.

Fairbell, weren't you
at almost 3,000?

3,001. 3,002.

Is he just starting his counting

from whatever number
he heard last?

That's exactly what he's doing.

- Watch. 78.
- 79. 80.

- Oh, my God!
- See?

D. E.

How did this happen?!

Okay, well, these two were
watching "Upton Bisby"

while Fairbell and I
did all the work!

Oh, that is so Lady
Gwenevieve of you,

you duplicitous shrew.

I am no Lady Gwenevieve!

I have several months
of fertility left!

You are not even fit to
receive Toff Cadbury's seed.

That's because he's
gay, you moron.

He's not gay. That's how
people talked back then.

- He's flaming gay!
- Gentlemen, the election!

Now, I don't know
who is responsible

- for bungling this count, but I...
- He is.

- Yeah. That's him, Fairbell.
- Fair... Fairbell did it.

Yes, well, obviously, it's him,

but you are responsible
for not preventing him.

So, no one leaves this room
until we count these votes.

- Whoa!
- Quinn, no!

The series finale
of "Upton Bisby"

starts in less than one hour.

Two. Three.

Just count the votes!

Five.

This is Tammy Sherman,

and I'm live streaming
to let the world know

that Eustace here is
suppressing my right to vote.

Ms. Sheman, put the camera down

and unlock the doors!

I will not!

Just let me leave!

What do you think, audience?
Should I let her leave?

Oh.

I'm so sorry, Cocoon.

The world has spoken.
You're not going anywhere!

Guys, let me at least help.

- Haven't you done enough already?
- You want to help?

Get rid of those
absentee ballots.

If we have to count all those,

we're never gonna finish
in time for "Bisby."

What do you want me
to do with them?

- Flush them down the toilet!
- Eat them.

- Nobody cares.
- Get out of here!

All right.

Oh, great.

My PBS cheese delivery just
got left on my doorstep.

Now I'm about to have
another duplex porch

ruined by a
melted-brie incident.

On record, worst day of my life.

Okay, I'm done. Nash
has 2,413 votes.

Did you just copy
my piece of paper?

No. Why?

Because Zane has 2,413 votes.

2,412, 2413 votes for Ortega!

Oh, my God, it's a tie?

- God damn it!
- I can't believe this.

All the precincts have reported
in and it's dead even.

That means the next
mayor of Denver

is gonna be decided by the
results in this room.

Please tell me you
finished counting.

Okay, you're not gonna believe
this, but what we have is a...

Time. We have time. We have
plenty of time remaining.

We still got to count.
So you just do...

Well, hurry up, okay?!

I'm out here killing myself.

- I'll stall the media.
- Okay.

Never touch my lips again!

Try using ChapStick, Abbey.

I don't have to use it

because your hands
are so greasy.

Okay, think, everybody!

If it's still a tie, that
triggers an automatic recount,

and Bisby starts in 12 minutes.

Oh, what about the
absentee ballots?

- Yes.
- Yes, that's it!

- Oh Fairbell!
- Fairbell! Fairbell!

- Hey, Fairbell, get back here!
- Fairbell!

- There he is.
- Hey, please tell me that you didn't

actually flush those
ballots down the toilet?

Only about half.

- That's okay.
- That's plenty.

- Half still works.
- We can make half work, right?

The other half wouldn't
fit, so I burned them up.

Oh, Fairbell.

What? That's what you wanted!

Damn it. So we're still tied.
What do we do now?

Oh, my God, I've
been so "Bisby"...

I mean, busy... counting votes

that I forgot that
I didn't vote.

So, Teresa Ortega for the win!

Well, I haven't voted either.

- Me neither.
- My vote's for Nash.

Zane train, all the way.

Oh, so it's still a tie!

- Damn it.
- Yeah, and I haven't voted, either.

Well, well, well.

Fairbell, do you realize
what this means?

No.

Fairbell, your vote
is gonna decide

the next mayor of Denver.

That's a pretty big deal, right?

So take this ballot,
and cast your vote

for Gil Nash because
he's a Libertarian.

- Oh, like Abbey.
- No, no, no, she's a librarian.

Libertarians are useful.

I'm losing you.

Okay, you know the movie
"Home Alone," right?

Yeah! Yeah.

We all love "Home Alone."

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Great movie.

And what did Kevin do

when those dang Italian
robbers came over?

What did he do? Huh?
Did he call the cops?

No, he put Micro Machines
on the floor. Woop!

That's right. He
handled it himself.

And then he ate ice cream
and mac and cheese.

Kraft mac and cheese, the good...
the best kind.

Kraft mac and cheese, and
that's Gil Nash's Denver.

That's all it is.

Awesome. Look, he's got my vote.

- There it is.
- Sold!

- Election decided.
- No, no, no, Fairbell,

you're voting for Teresa Ortega.

- No, he's not.
- I already said the "Home Alone" guy.

Excuse me. Okay, all right.

How do I explain
reproductive rights to you?

Um... okay, okay.

Okay.

Um, let's just say
that you're playing

a video game that seems
fun at the time,

but then you get to a level
that lasts nine months

and sucks all the fun out
of your life forever

and you're only 16.

I guess I just load
an earlier save.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
but you forgot to save

because you were pretty
drunk, and you'll be damned

if you let some JV
quarterback's video game

into the world, you know?

I guess if Teresa Ortega is
that into video games...

- I can vote for her.
- Yes, yes!

- That doesn't count.
- Wow. Wow, Abbey.

Really very empowering.

Listen, Fairbell.

While Abbey's right
to have many,

many more abortions
is important,

if that JV quarterback
had had coke

which is something
that Zane thinks

we should all have
the right to have,

she never would have been
pregnant in the first place.

Uh, that was a metaphor.
That was not...

- Yeah, we all know that was you.
- No, that was you. Yeah.

- Even I knew.
- What?

Fairbell, you have an
opportunity to elect

the next mayor of Denver.

Shouldn't you elect
the dopest candidate?

That does sound smart.

Smartest thing you're
gonna hear all day.

Take this pen and make
the cool choice, friend.

You've all given me a
lot to think about.

I'm sorry, I know how
painful that is for you.

Okay.

This is it.

Don't get scared, now.

Hey, privacy please!

- Of course!
- Sure, sure, sure.

- I respect the process!
- Yep, yep, yep.

I hope you're ready for that
Zane train to pull into town.

It's the sound of
the Zane train.

I made my choice.

And without further ado,

I'm proud to announce the
next mayor of Denver

- Mr. Loren Payton!
- What?

- You voted for me?
- What?

Yeah, you said
whoever I vote for

- gets to be mayor.
- Oh, my God.

He's the coolest guy I know!

- What?
- One condish.

You have to let me ride
in Mayor Force One.

That's not how this
works, Fairbell.

Look what you did,
you little jerk.

You are what the French
call les incompetent!

God, Fairbell, you're
such a disease.

Grab him. Grab that...

I assure everyone

when we get the results
of the election,

they're gonna be
coming soon, okay?

I've got my best team on it.

Get out!

Keep the change,
you filthy animal!

This is my house! I
have to defend it.

Yep, that right there,
that was the signal.

I told my team, I said,

"When you've got the results,
throw the health teacher

"out of the window
into those bushes

"a-and maybe do a
'Home Alone' quote."

So, I'm gonna run inside
and grab the results.

Excitement! Okay.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- That's right, folks.

He had a signal to
throw a teacher

out of a... window or something.

This has been Gloria Guzman
for Super Accion Noticies.

Hey, hey, ho ho,

Eustace here has got to go!

Hey, hey, ho ho, Tammy
Sherman's got to vote!

Let me go!

No.

Tammy, why are the doors locked?

I need your help right now.

No can do, Geoffrey.

I am exercising my right
to civil disobedience.

I'm not going anywhere

until Maude here
stops oppressing me.

Look, Loren and
Shoemaker and Abbey

have really screwed up, okay?

I might have to actually
fire them this time.

Well, you should have led
with that, Geoffrey.

Let's go!

Three minutes, I remind you!
Cut these ballots up!

- Three minutes.
- I'm gonna cut them!

You put that away, I swear
to God, I'll cut your face!

Aaaah, what is going on?!

There's a three-way tie,

and Fairbell wasted
his vote on me.

Well, what about the
absentee ballots?

Did you count those?

- Yes.
- Of course.

The first thing we did was
count the absentee...

No, I flushed half of them,

and then I burned
the other half.

- They told me to.
- Okay, enough!

Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna do a recount.

- Oh!
- Great!

Now we're not going to be
able to watch "Upton Bisby."

- Damn it!
- I knew it!

Wait a second, wait.

There is one person who
still hasn't voted.

Oh, come on, Quinn.

Another vote for Loren's
not gonna do anything.

It's not me.

Tam-Tam, okay?

Who here wants Tam-Tam to vote?

You dickwads!

Fine, go ahead.

Sure. I mean, it makes sense.

Get back there behind
that Trapper Keeper,

because the fate of
Denver is in your hands,

Miss Sheman.

Finally, my voice will be heard.

And the Sheman thing
was between us!

I'm sorry.

Still no word as
chaos and confusion

continue to reign here at Smoot.

Wait, someone is emerging.

It's Principal Quinn.

Principal Quinn, do
you have the results?

Oh, yeah, I do.

I got them right
here, but first,

I would just like
to say that, uh,

everything went Smootly.

Spit it out, Quinn!

Oh, yeah, let's get
right to it here.

Uh, the next mayor
of our great city,

the mile-high city,

the prairie p...

Quinn, just announce it!

The next mayor will be...

And now, "Upton Bisby."

I've got goosepimples.

Father-in-law, when
will you teach me

the ways of the family business?

For the last time, Toff,

you're a means to an
end and nothing more.

As soon as you and my
daughter provide me

with an heir, I'll
be done with you

and your family's sad
excuse for a dairy empire.

Perhaps if my father
had listened to me,

I could have saved
the dairy fortune.

For I dream of an egg...

Enough of this damned
egg fantasy, Cadbury.

Presenting Lady Gwenevieve!

Thank you, Gatwick.

Hello, Father.

Dear husband.

Lady Gwenevieve, what are
you doing out of bed?

This is the longest any of
your pregnancies have lasted.

My precious fetus!

'Tis true, but I regret to
tell you about a miscarriage.

A what?

Oh, thank heavens.

- Of justice.
- Oh, okay.

Damn.

Our very own stable
boy, Wembley,

has entered into the election
of the House of Lords,

but the magistrate
has forbidden it.

Wembley in the House of Lords.

Surely you jest.

Gatwick! Gatwick!

Gat... wick!

Aaaah!

Gatwick!

- Aaaah!
- Fetch me Wembley. Gatwick!

- Aah!
- Wembley.

- Wonblem?
- Wembley!

Brandon!

- Wembley.
- Brandy.

Wembley... fetch me
that fool Wembley.

- Food from the kitchen!
- Not... Wembley!

- Wembley!
- Wembondy!

- Wembley!
- Wembley!

- Aah!
- Stuttering fool, Wembley!

- The man with the horses!
- Fetch a horse!

- Wembley!
- The boy I keep in the barn!

He will bring a horse!

- No!
- Aah!

- Wembley!
- Wembley!

- Yes, Wembley.
- Right away! Right away.

Shamble off, monstrosity.

I like that butler.

Announcing stable boy Wembley!

Thank you, Gatwick.

You wanted to see me, sir?

What is he doing in the house?

He's gonna track mud
all over the carpets.

What's this I hear about you
running for the House of Lords?

'Tis true, your Lord.

The moxie on this one.

Might I borrow your riding crop?

Yes, sir.

Papa, do be civil.

- Silence!
- Not now, Lady Gwenevieve.

I'll take my lashings.

Gatwick. Gatwick. Gatwick!

Aaah!

Play me something jaunty for
this lashing, will you?

- Aaah?
- Yes, a jaunty tune.

- Ehh.
- Now, I believe you know the position?

Face down, ass north.

- Aah!
- Oh!

Whip him.

Aah!

Bastard!

- I can't even watch this.
- Savage!

Have mercy, Papa!

Wembley is the father
of my unborn child!

- No.
- What?!

- What?!
- Yes.

Well, it is as they say...
wenches be certifiable.

I'm gonna miss this show.

Bring it in, bring it in.

I'm glad we were here
together for this.

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!