Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Oof, Nut City - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!

Hey, why's everybody
picking on Jason?

We don't want your kind here.

- Go home.
- Not my president.

Turns out non-naturalized
citizens

can't hold student
government positions.

- What?
- Yeah.

Becky Cosgrove did some
digging, had him impeached.

That's outrageous.

Just because they're
not born here

doesn't mean they
don't contribute.



Dude, Jason's Canadian.

- Oh, really? Gross.
- Right?

- Hey, Jason, tough luck, buddy.
- Bummer, kiddo.

I guess I just got to take
this one on the chin, eh?

- There you go.
- Dirty Canadian.

- Oh, whoa, whoa!
- Whoa, Fairbell.

What, I thought that's
what we were doing.

God.

Well, open his bag up.
See what he's got.

Yeah.

Nothing but a bunch
of thank you notes.

They're so polite.

8, 9, 10.

And you will marry the
varsity quarterback



- and live in a castle.
- Whoa!

Jackpot. I'll take that.

Do, doodle-oo, do, do!

Sorry to interrupt you guys.

I know you're all busy crafting
your lesson plans for the week.

I'll take what I can get.

Okay.

Now, as you know, we
have a sudden vacancy

in the student
presidency, and so far,

only one student has signed up
to run against Becky Cosgrove.

And it's one of our
school's invisible kids.

You know these kids... They
slip through the cracks.

They never get the
chance to really realize

their full potent... Fairbell, I
know you're looking for a ghost.

It's not a ghost.
It's a real person.

It's Richard Cooper, okay?

He's a great student,
but he's a shy kid,

and without help, he will get
crushed by Becky Cosgrove.

All right, Quinn.

I get where you're getting
at, and I'll do it.

Loren, what do you say?
Sound good?

What? Why him?

He's a Spanish teacher.

We need a cool guy and he
is the coolest guy in here.

What about future's
so bright over there?

He's pretty cool.

Rod went out with his
army buddies last night,

got a little food poisoning
from some wild turkey.

Always cook your poultry.

Make sure it's cooked, okay?

Loren, I came to you with
this because you are

the... man.

P-p-p-pew.

Fine, whatever. I'll do it.

All right, whatever.

Nice apathy, Loren.

It's student government, Abbey.
Who cares?

Student government is the gateway
drug to real government.

What's the one thing
all kids really love?

- Vaping.
- Fingering

- Origami?
- Arguing.

Arguing, and so let's
let them argue

in a rough-and-tumble debate.

- I'll moderate.
- Kids do love vaping.

Abbey, debating can be so,
uhhh, confrontational.

It'll be educational.
Let's vote.

We'll do it eighth period

so you guys don't
have to have a class.

- Yeah, no, I'll do that.
- Yeah.

Well, I would stand
here and debate you

on why having a
debate is a bad idea,

but I'm not a hypocrite, okay?

Someone prop him up against
the vending machine, please.

This kid just wrote
Barcelona soccer players.

- Flip it over, Fairbell.
- This is a grammar test.

- I've done this before.
- M-Mr. Payton.

Richard Cooper.

- You're gonna mentor me in the election.
- Oh, right... Richard.

Yeah. Uh, listen,
I'm a firm believer

in the hands-off
method of mentoring,

so do whatever you
were planning on doing

and then, um, we'll just take
a few photos on election day.

- All right?
- Hey, Richard.

I heard you were running against
me for class president.

You're joking, right?

Uh, is this your campaign team?

Oh, my god, Pepé le Pew,

a rage addict, and
the school idiot.

I'm not a rage addict.

Well, losers attract losers.

You'd be better off
on your own, Richard.

I'll try not to embarrass
you too badly.

I should just quit now.

Oh, no, you're not.

That future Nancy Grace segment

just earned you a
dream team, bitch.

Yeah, I was gonna phone
this in, but I'll be damned

if I'll let Becky make
an ass out of me.

You guys on board?

- I am now.
- What are we doing?

First things first, we're
gonna create a whole new you.

I'm gonna turn you into a
campaigning machine, bud.

And I'm gonna turn this
body into this body.

I'm gonna create a
whole new aesthetic.

If high school movies have taught me
anything, it all starts with this.

You're gonna love this, dude.

You're just a little
drowsy still.

Just keep it straight.
Keep coming straight.

Oh, hey, allow me.

I love this place.

Watch me, all right?

Hey, how are you?

Thank you so much
for coming out.

Uh-oh.

Now you try.

Don't go down on that dummy.

Watch and learn.

Oof!

So, you can see
this mountain lion

goes up to the back
porch, like totally...

Yeah, yeah, looks great, dude.

Looks really good.

Take a right.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, Richard!

Oh, yes!

Yes!

Hmm.

- Can you see us?
- Hey.

Yeah, looks good, right.

Technically, we could've taken
the gauze off two days ago,

but we felt that would've
ruined the surprise.

Go look at yourself. Come on.

- It's the new you.
- There he is.

- Ooh.
- You look good.

Yeah.

Our boy looks good, right?

Yeah, he looks great.

- Vote for Rich.
- Look at that.

It's politics in action.

Bringing out the best in people.

- Here we go!
- Here we go, my man.

Might want to dial it
back a little bit, okay?

Yeah, because
politics is all about

dialing it back a little bit.

Ooh, you tell him, Rich!

Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

It's your fifth
year here, Eddie.

Nobody's impressed.

Oh, hello, Abbey.

I, uh, didn't realize
it was already 10:45.

I guess tying flies
when you're having fun.

Have you been waiting a
long time to say that?

He said that three
times already.

Okay, thanks, Tammy.

I got it from here.

Abbey, I just wanted to have
a quick little chit chat

with you about your
upcoming debate.

Oh, it's gonna be
a real bloodbath.

Or why not make it about fun?

This is a great opportunity to
show kids the political process.

Why are you being such a
chicken shit about it.

Whoa, okay.

Let's tone down the
beltway language.

How about it?

Debates lead to chaos.

I'm a bigger fan of elections
that lead to good vibes.

Well, maybe that's why
no political figures

have ever come out
of our school.

Well... Someone is
forgetting about

city comptroller Theresa Ortega.

Well, maybe it's time for
you to kick these birds

out of the nest
and let them fly.

Well, maybe I don't want to see
dead birds all over the ground.

Well, I'm tired of
hearing this shit.

Okay, Tammy, that's enough.

Look, Abbey, please do not make
your debate about conflict.

Conflict is sort of the key
ingredient at any debate,

so I will be bringing it.

Enjoy the show.

Well, I guess I will if you...

Lure me there.

Boy, put that fly down!

All right.

Tomorrow, we'll continue our
conversation about why JFK

is not internet speak
for Just F'ing Kidding.

Bad news, Shoemaker.

We are getting
hammered in the polls.

- Last place.
- What happened?

- That means second.
- Third.

We're still trailing the write-in
vote for Peyton Manning.

Whatever. I'm having fun.

Politics isn't about fun.

That's why presidents
age in dog years.

Obama came in Denzel and
he's leaving Morgan Freeman.

- I just heard a knock.
- Thank you, Fairbell.

Oh, look, one of
Becky's harpies.

- Get out.
- A present.

"Good luck at the debate.
Becky."

Gloating.

I can't even eat these.

I'm allergic to peanuts.

How am I just finding
out about this?!

We have to switch
hats to security.

This is clearly an attack.

You think Becky did
this on purpose?

No, no, I think it's
purely coincidence

that you happen to be
deathly allergic to nuts

and she sends you nut cookies.

Well, not deathly allergic.

I just get phlegmy and,
you know, flushed.

Yeah, no one cares.

I'll tell you who
is deadly allergic.

Me.

I so much as breathe nut
dust, all systems shut down.

So, what were to happen if you

just put a couple of
nuts in your mouth?

Honestly, nuts anywhere around my face...
trouble time.

What about just licking nuts?

Are you kidding? That's how
I discovered my allergy.

Nut-licking.

I was just licking and
licking and licking.

Sometimes just sucking.

My mom was like, "enough
nuts in your room."

I was like, "I'm a grown up.

I can keep them in
here if I want."

- I could do this all day.
- Yeah.

But in order to win
this election,

we're gonna have to tear
Becky Cosgrove down.

I'm gonna get my hands dirty.

I think I'm gonna stick
around and milk this a bit.

Yeah, dude. Have fun.

Okay, you're at a truck
stop, all right?

Nut City.

All right, Tammy, I'm just gonna
lay this out for you, okay?

I don't like you, and
I don't like you,

but unfortunately,
I need your help,

so maybe there's a way
we could both benefit.

Check that out... Five big ones.

It's a lot of flamin'
hot Cheetos, isn't it?

And they could all be yours

if you just give me the
file for Becky Cosgrove.

What do you say?

Loren, if you were on fire,
I'd bring marshmallows.

Yeah, I have no doubt you'd find
a way to make a meal out of it.

You know, I could
just take that file.

Well... You could try.

Little bitch!

Tammy?

Fairbell.

It's 100 degrees outside.

Stranger pulls up, you
get in for the A/C.

No big deal, right?

You look down, nuts
are in his lap.

What's your reaction?

I might touch his nuts
just to be polite,

but definitely wash
my hands afterward.

Like, "thank you for this favor.

I'm not gonna put my
mouth all over them.

Just quick grab and then

please let me off at
the next rest stop."

Hey, hey, cut the chatter.

Someone's giving golden
dragon a food item.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
easy there, cake boss.

I'll handle this. Fairbell.

Nut check.

Uh, oh, what if these
have nuts in them?

A real secret service agent

would take a bullet
for his president.

Now, you swore an oath.

I did swear that oath.

Just maybe take a corner
of a piece of that.

Or the entire thing.

Well?

Nut City.

Look at that.

Get into your oven and
you just start...

Fairbell, enough...

And you just start
baking all willy nilly.

You think you can do
whatever you want,

but you almost took out

the greatest leader
of your generation.

I do not want to play
right now, Fairbell.

He needs an epipen.

I guess we shouldn't
let him die.

Tell me how this happened again.

I told you... I
walked into a door.

Yeah, doors can be tricky.

I'm gonna write you a
prescription for oxy.

One for you and one for me.
Thanks, Dr. Greene.

You don't happen to have

Becky Cosgrove's
medical file, do you?

Mind if I take a quick peak?

Come on, Loren.

You know sharing students'
medical information is illegal.

Illegal?

Like giving human growth hormone
to pro baseball players?

Hey, I made baseball
watchable, okay?

Every god damn team in
that league was using me.

Who do you think got rid of
bud selig's crow's feet?

You got it.

- You did.
- This guy right here.

And then when the
heat came down,

they threw me out
like a prom baby.

- Hey, Doc.
- Like a prom baby!

Hey, dumbo here got
into the peanuts,

and apparently he's allergic.

Good news is he's still blinking
to communicate, though.

Okay, yeah, that
is not good news.

- Uh...
- Stay with us.

Epinephrine.

- Oh, look at that.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, how does one go about
using one of those?

Oh, it's really easy.

You just pop the top
off and then...

Hey, why don't you do it?

I-I mean, I wouldn't even know where to...
so, just, uh...

It's a stab, yeah.

But... but an
aggressive one like...

Whoa! Yeah.

Yep.

Whoo. That's oddly cathartic.

Maybe I should grab a few
more of these for the road.

Okay, yeah... All of them.

I just touched a light.

That's...

That's not the door.

You working on the big debate?

Whole school's buzzing about it.

Look at Rod.

Actually, Rod's more
wheezing than buzzing.

You're really leading off
with a Benghazi question?

Do you think they're
gonna know that?

Is there something that I
can help you with, Loren?

There is something I
can help you with.

There's 5 bucks.

- Buys a lot of red vines, doesn't it?
- Hmm.

So, why don't you go find a
tree to drag a deer into

and I'll keep an eye on your
little debate questions

while you're gone.

What do you say?

Oh, it's so damp.

No.

Well, can I at least
have my $5 back, then?

No.

Okay, Mr. Payton, you
got five minutes.

I got a story deadline.
Chen, glad I found you.

Hope you're wearing a lead vest
under that aeropostale hoodie,

'cause I'm about to drop a
nuclear bomb on this election.

Give me something juicy.
What do you have?

Good stuff here.

Turns out Becky Cosgrove has
been driving in the HPV Lane.

And?

And? What do you mean and?

You're telling me a
student at Smoot has HPV.

Yeah, Becky Cosgrove.

Let me show you her file, dude.
It's disgusting.

It's like...

News flash... Everybody has HPV.

Okay, everybody in this
library's got HPV.

I've got HPV three times.

How's that even work, Chen?

Get yourself checked.

Call me when she has syphilis.

I'm sorry, Chen.

I thought I was talking
to a tabloid mastermind,

not the student editor of a
stupid school newspaper.

There you go.

Well, latest polls are in, and
we are neck and neck with Becky.

Looks like my little pap
smear campaign worked.

Wait, you did this?

I know it's always a bit jarring
to see how the sausage is made,

but trust me,
everybody does this.

FDR, Gandhi, city
comptroller Theresa Ortega.

Oh, I don't give a
shit screw Becky.

- Wow, let's go for the jugular.
- Okay.

I didn't get my eyes lasiked
by a chinese line cook

to lose to some bottle
blonde with HPV.

I think someone is ready.

Yeah, maybe a little too ready.

Hey, did you guys read
that Becky has huvpuv?

- Get out, Fairbell.
- Just go, dude.

What are you even
contributing at this point?

I swore an oath to
protect Richard.

Go get us all waters.

You can't go in. No visitors.

Did somebody hit you?

No, I ran into a door
with a hand on it.

Richard did this?

- Yeah, but I was being super annoying.
- Let me handle this.

Please, don't tell
him I let you in.

I think he's gonna figure it out.
Oh.

Listen, Richard, we've all
wanted to slap Coach Fairbell,

but we... Hey, I don't think

you're allowed to smoke
in here, or at all.

You know, I'm actually, uh,
less worried about that

and more worried
about you getting me

a java chip frappuccino.

Think you can
handle that, Chief?

Dude, did you just flick
a cigarette at me?

Yes.

All right, dude, we're going to
the principal's office right now.

Take me to Quinn's
office, because I'm sure

he'd love to know how
this sausage was made.

We didn't make sausage,
we made a dick.

Look at you.

Eagle 1 to... Robot Shark.

- Roger and alert.
- Dude.

Yeah, we got a problem child
in the bullpen right now.

Subject's about 5'9", bearded,
pasty, and unattractive.

I think Loren's attractive.

- Fairbell.
- Yes, sir.

Nut check. Oh, that one's actually
shaped just like a nut, so...

Just check.

I thought you said you're
not even that allergic.

I'm not.

Again with the wheezing.

Oh my.

It's time.

Miss Cosgrove, the
smoot point reported

that you are against same-sex dances.
Is that true?

God, I didn't realize
debates took this long.

I can't believe that little shit

Had the balls to fire me.

You kidding? He almost
killed Fairbell.

If Fairbell's gonna die,
he'll die by my hand.

- Look at him. He's over stimulated.
- Mm-hmm.

He's like a dog at
a fireworks show.

Mr. Cooper, how
would you respond

to miss Cosgrove's allegations

of dirty campaigning
on your part?

I'm glad you asked.

I know there have been
some hurt feelings

over how our campaigns
were conducted,

so, today, I fired
my campaign manager,

who was not only irresponsible,
but also unattractive.

I'm not unattractive.

I have rugged good looks.

I'm with Team Richard
on this one.

You're very Oregon
trail healthy.

It's a hot look.

Go to Portland. I
crush in Portland.

Miss Cosgrove, a rebuttal.

I didn't do anything
to you, Richard.

You mean, uh, other
than try and kill me?

Yes, you sent me cookies
with nuts in them

when you knew I was
deathly allergic.

Mr. Cooper, are you
accusing Miss Cosgrove

of attempted murder?

He's this bad now, what's gonna
happen when he's actually elected?

I don't know that there's
anything we can do to stop him.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

What are you doing?

Okay, why... why don't
we all just sing a song?

- Richard's lying.
- What are you doing?

You're barely
allergic to peanuts.

- I'll prove it.
- It's a nut storm.

Stop! I have rugged good looks!

Stand down, Mr. Payton!

I will not stand down.

Open up, baby bird.

My oath.

Oh!

That's my partner!

Not on my watch, Robot Shark!

Okay, what is going on here?

This is supposed to be
a silly little debate!

It's only silly if we
allow it to be silly!

It can be as silly
as I want it to be!

It's corrupt!

The whole system's collapsing!

It's rotten from the inside!

The organs are failing,
there's blood in the stool.

That's a very colorful
description, Mr. Knorr,

but I'm not sure that smoot's
political system is failing.

Not the political
system, copper tops...

My system.

I think it's my pancreas.

Oh, I called in sick.

That was a cry for
help, but you assholes

You just weekend at Bernie'd
me all over the school.

I need a doctor.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, we probably should've
been more on top of that.

Mr. Knorr is right.

This whole school
needs a doctor,

because Smoot High is sick.

With teachers like these,

it's no wonder we're duped
by dirty Canadians.

It's no wonder we've
only produced

a single government official...
City comptroller Theresa Ortega.

This whole school is a joke,

and I, for one, am tired
of the joke being on us.

If you elect me, I promise
we will tear it all down

and build something
better together!

Heaven is real.

Welcome back, buddy.

We should probably
call an ambulance.

No, he's fine. We've done
this a bunch of times.

Oh, Rod... yeah.

Let's just wait till
the song's over.

Peanut?

Sure.

I hope you're all happy.

Richard Cooper just
declared himself

eternal light and
supreme leader.

Well, you wanted him to win.
He won.

Wait, what is... What is that?

Halt, brave men and
women of the R.O.T.C.

Too long have your
weapons been used

for spinning and
halftime showmanship.

Where did he get a horse?

I think that's Bucky.

Chetwood High's mascot.

I hate to admit it, but
he's kind of a badass.

Together, we will establish a
new iron order at Smoot High!

Onward!

Okay, I'm getting Tammy.

Fairbell, here's the scenario.

You're at a YMCA swimming pool.

Guy goes by you in the deep end,
nuts come out of his swimsuit.

- What do you do?
- Easy.

Grab, like, a pool net,
maybe use my hands.

I don't want to come up for air
and get his nuts in my mouth.

None of this is ringing any
alarm bells for you, is it?

It's a pretty serious allergy.

We're talking about
testicles, Fairbell.

- Uh same answer.
- See.

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!