Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Boys Are Coming Together - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!

Honor.

Integrity.

Courage under fire.

This is all stuff you kids are
gonna learn today in do... oh!

Okay, Bryce.

That's what we call a
textbook cheap shot.

You might not find me
such an easy target

when I'm actually rea...

Okay, everybody
gets two freebies.

Yours have just expired.



Oh!

All right, game on.

Bloody nose on the first day?

Yep, Bryce got me with
a few cheap shots.

Cheap shots directly
to your face?

Yeah.

You got to learn to stand
up for yourself, Fairbell.

Zero tolerance for bullies.
I know.

That's why I'm gonna TP his
house in the dead of the night.

Yes. 'Cause who doesn't
have a curfew?

- You?
- Me... that's right.

Hey, look at Mr. Big Time.
I'm in.

- I'll bring eggs.
- Yeah.

Or... or perhaps
we could all try



being a little more
mature this year.

Yeah, like you don't want
to TP some kid's house.

The old Shoemaker would have.

And the old Shoemaker
would've taken his house

off the foundation and
moved it a few lots down.

- That was a great night.
- That was a great night.

But my wife and I had a
conversation over the summer.

Oh, she told you
what to do again.

We had a conversation about
how perhaps I should start

acting a little more
professional this year.

Is that why you're dressed

like a Pallbearer at
Maroon 5's funeral?

Well, if it isn't Mr.
Classy himself.

Hey, remind me again what war
you're a veteran of, Rod.

Hey, I was calling
in air strikes

on the highway of death

when you were still
jacking your dink

to J.C. Penny catalogues, son.

Son?

You and I are the same age.

I got to take this.

Rod, I think we've
already established

- that that's not an actual...
- Hello?

Oh, allow me. Allow me.

- No, really, you don't have to.
- No, it's all good.

The best part is there's no
strings attached on that.

Really? 25 cents towards
a package of red vines.

I feel like such a lady.

Well, you're welcome.

Although, to be honest, I have
certain expectations that i...

Loren, am I your
only female friend?

Wait, are you putting
me in the friendzone?

- There's no such thing as a friendzone.
- Yes, there is.

I read about it on the
side of my Axe body wash.

It was all, "don't get
put in the friendzone."

You spit on me a little bit.

Once more into the breach.

Oh, muchachos, it's
pronounced Ma-dreed.

Okay?

Not Madrid.

I don't need to hear that "th."

You know, looking
around the room,

I see a lot of native
speakers, and that's great,

but in Mr. Payton's class,

we speak the Queen's
Spanish, all right?

And that means vosotros.

You're the Queen, mariposa.

Okay.

Believe I just heard somebody
call me a butterfly.

So, grathias.

I will silence no
opinions in here.

Not like they silence the
opinions of innocent leaders

like Sacco and Vanzetti,
o-or Samuel Gompers.

Wikipedia says that Sacco and
Vanzetti were murderers.

Members of the IWW,
all the way up

to those battling present-day
anti-union initiatives

in their own states.

Welcome to the People's History.

Abbey, there you are.

Okay, just to clarify on this
whole friendzone thing...

Oh, my god, Loren.

No, no, no, hear me out.
It's good.

Friends can still
shower together, right?

Okay, I would love to sit and
mansplain friendship to you,

but just because you have
no pride in your occupation

doesn't mean that I don't.

Okay, so you're admitting
it's your occupation now.

'Cause that's real
progress for you.

I mean, for now.

I'm just in between
opportunities.

Opportunities, like when
you ran off to Alaska

halfway through last school year
to work on that crabbing boat?

It was a salmon boat and
I was deeply in love.

That's a really safe choice.

Guys that work on boats
aren't running from anything.

What about when you were like, uh...
like a witch for babies?

- Uh, you mean a doula?
- Yes, doula.

How'd that work out?

You shove one
know-it-all doctor,

and suddenly you're
the "Shoving Doula."

Look, I got a lot of work to
do, and right now, that means

- de-dicking these library books.
- Good for you.

Looks like you've gotten rid
of a lot of dicks already.

Yeah, all but one.

I walked right into that.

I'm so off my game this year.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Me.

- Congrats on your sweet dis.
- Thank you.

Oh, swing and a miss, Loren.

Hey, you ever think maybe you're
batting for the wrong team?

You know what they say.

The most homophobic people
are the ones trying hardest

to cover up their own
latent homosexuality,

so good luck with that, boys.

I heard that people that lecture
the most about sexuality

are the people that
never get laid.

- All right, you listen here, Bryce.
- Mm-hmm.

I've had more action than you've
had wet dreams about, bro,

so why don't you call me when
your right testicle descends?

It shouldn't be that
hard to find me.

They just look for the biggest
cabin on Pussy Lake, bitch.

Yeah, you, too, tall bitch.

Some for you, too, quiet bitch.

Principal Quinn, hey.

How long have you
been standing there?

Long enough to pretend I
didn't just hear all that.

That's cool.

I'm pretending I didn't
just say all that.

- Let's have a chat right over here.
- Yeah.

- What do you say?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, all right.
- Come on over.

Now, Loren, I know
that you look at me

and you see this cool
Colorado guy, sure.

- Yeah.
- Yes, I'm a class-4 river guide.

Yes, I play mandolin
in a bluegrass band.

I'm not sure I'd call it a band.

- You know, here's the thing.
- Yeah.

- When I look at you...
- Uh-huh.

I see this cloud of
negative energy.

I see it on your face
right now, okay?

And this year, I have a plan.

I want to grab that negative
energy and I want to churn it.

I want to churn it into some
positive ice cream, okay?

Yeah, ok... all right.

You are one of the
most gifted teachers

I've ever seen in
my entire life.

There's no way that's true.

How do we make it true?

Effort... We bring it together.

- We start to focus, okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

Every year the district
makes me cut teachers.

- I don't want to do it.
- No.

- But I have to.
- Okay.

I wouldn't say we're friends.

Whatever you want to call it...

Pals, chums, buds,
whatever it is.

We're friendly?

What do friendly people do?
I'll tell you what they do.

They hug. Get your hands up.

Police coming in. Police. It's me.
It's me, Quinn.

- It's not police.
- Geoff, I don't...

Shh, it's a tough first day.
I'm not gonna lie.

I'm right there with you.
Recharge.

Really good. Yeah, really good.

I'm putting you on
detention duty.

- I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.

All right.

I'm not talking to you.

Yes.

Guess who got me in
trouble at the library.

We should get that dude, set
the tone for this year.

Well, whatever the
plan is, I'm on board.

You want in on
this, Shoemaker...

A little revenge on
an entitled prick?

You know, why don't you try
acting like role models for once?

I'm not gonna ask you again!

Oh, do you hear that?

You know what that sounds like?

That sounds like duty calling.

You know what you are? You're
a little cricket on a hook.

- I'm a fish.
- Get out of here.

- And I'm gonna eat you...
- Okay, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Break it up. You two, stay here.

Everybody get to... Get to class.
Let's go!

Listen, Bryce, you're kind of
a leader around here, right?

Mnh-mnh.

So, why don't we try being
a leader to our peers

and showing a little
more respect, okay.

Now, I want you to
apologize to this nerd.

Yeah, okay, Mr. Shoemaker, I
know you read some pamphlet

on bonding so you feel like
you're effective as a mentor.

Putting your hands
on a student's

against the smoot
code of ethics.

How's it going, new you?

Listen.

I feel like I should be
leveling with you right now.

I want you to know my wife
is really on my back.

You know, she's been making
me go to couple's therapy

and she found the guy, and
I think they used to date,

which seems like a gross
conflict of interest.

But that's neither
here nor there.

Point is I am hanging on
by a very thin thread.

So, please apologize
in front of my friends

or I will break your legs.

Jesus!

All right.

Yeah, I didn't know
any of that stuff.

Hey, I'm sorry.

No hard feelings, huh?

We cool?

Now get to class.

That's it... you have to demand
respect with these kids.

You have to walk the walk.

Cool Pantera lyrics, bro.

Yeah. Wow.

Again, I didn't need
you to chime in there.

- I had it covered.
- What? No, they are cool lyrics.

"Jock Jams 4"?

"Jock Jams 4" sucked. "Jock
James 5" was the ish.

Billy, shut up.

Hey, Shoemaker!

What is that?

Oh, you bastards.

All right, you little asshats!

Hey, Mr. Shoemaker.

I want you to apologize
in front of my friends.

You think I'm afraid of a
little paintball action?

Holy hell that hurts!

Uh... No.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

Dude, this went viral...
100,000 views.

And watch, if you can hear, he
actually starts crying a little bit.

Yes. Ow!

Trouble at home, Shoemaker?

You're on his internet.

All right, let's get this kid.

That's what I'm talking about.

Here's what we've
been working on.

What's the one thing
lacrosse players can't do?

Have consensual sex.

Yes, and drugs.

Are you saying that we put
drugs in a student's locker?

I like it. Thank you.

Now, who's getting the drugs?

I have a plan.

That's adorable.
Whatever keeps you busy.

I guess I could get some drugs.

They were around a lot when
I was in the punk scene.

Kind of ruined it for me.

I remember... yeah, I'm gonna cut
this long, boring story short.

We meet back here tomorrow
morning, see who got drugs.

- All right.
- Crew's really coming back together.

- Yeah.
- It's like that song, huh?

Like...

d The boys are comin' together d

d Boys are comin' together d

d And when they come,
they come loud d

- The boys are coming to...
- You don't know that song?

When they come, they come loud.

All right, I'm gonna get
out of here for this.

Lady tariffs, let's start
practice off today

with some real talk.

It's about an idea that I
came up with called trust.

Five letters, okay?

"T"... Trust... That one's easy.

"R"... Responsibility.

"S"... Service.

"U"... Understanding.

"T"... Trust again.

It's that important.
It's in there twice.

It's super important
that I can trust you

and that you can trust me, okay?

Which is why, today,
surprise, it's a pee test.

Looking for
performance-enhancing drugs.

Coach, I can't do that today.

I have lady problems.

I think everyone in this gym

has had lady problems,
little Debbie.

I'm not worried
about you anyway.

Thanks, Coach.

Take that for you.

Oof!

Oh, natural gifts.

The rest of you I'm
concerned about, okay?

Line it up. Let's get filling.

Kids, I want you to think

of detention as an
opportunity, okay?

An opportunity for
the goth chick

with dandruff to hook
up with the jock.

An opportunity for the
dangerous heartthrob

to get to know the popular girl

who's also kind of a
bitch a lot of the time.

An opportunity for
Anthony Michael Hall

to look remarkably like
Anthony Michael Hall.

But most importantly, an
opportunity to rid yourselves

of all the drugs you
have on your person

before I search every
one of your backpacks

at the end of detention.

Yeah, see, kids, this is
what we call a drug bucket.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

How about you guys fill
up the drug bucket?

Carol, the point of a
bake sale committee

is to vote on who's gonna be
in charge of what things.

They decide when we're
gonna have bake sales.

You don't get to always do...

Nothing's going on!

Still fighting the
good fight, sisyphus?

I'm sorry it's not as important
as hitting up kids for drugs.

You make it sound like
I'm looking for drugs

for my own personal use.

I'm not. I'm trying to get
drugs to plant on Bryce.

There's a difference.
Do you hear yourself?

I mean, whatever Bryce did to
you, nothing... oh, my shit.

I mean, I could deal with
"Catcher in the Rye."

I could even deal
with the Bible.

But dicking "Sweet
Valley High," I mean...

Let me look at that dick.

What are the odds?

This is a Bryce
piece all the way.

- What? Bullshit.
- Bull true.

Curved shaft, three
hairs on the nut sack.

Also he signed it...
"turn down for Bryce."

That's his tag.
It's pretty cool.

It's all over the school.

- I'm surprised you haven't seen it.
- God damn it.

- I'm gonna erase his dick.
- No, no, no, no, no.

No, you won't do
anything, all right?

Subtlety's not exactly your
strong point, Shoving Doula.

Let me handle this. Okay.

I'll come up with my own plan,

but Bryce has messed with
the wrong librarian.

Yeah, that sounds like the worst
action movie of all time.

I'm gonna get back
to my drug bucket.

All right?

And that bucket better be full.

Look at this.

This is where Daddy
used to play.

"We will drink!" "We will..."

Doors open at 7:00.

Oh, hey, sorry, yeah, no,

I'm just trying to
show my kid my roots.

- That's awesome.
- Look at that.

You can't bring a
kid in here either.

I couldn't find a sitter.

You know, I used to
play here back in '99

when I played in a band called
Capitalist Emulsification.

Psych Ward Shoemaker?

- Tetanus?
- Yeah!

Wow, man! Look at you!

You must've lost,
like, 300 pounds.

Massive coke habit.

It's done great things.

Thanks, man.

All right, all right, man.

Absolutely pathetic.

Want to buy drugs in
front of your kid?

Get out of here!

I was being ironic.

I would never actually buy
drugs in front of you, kiddo.

What is that? What is that?

Move your arm out of the way.

Move your arm. Give me that.

Oh, have you been
pickpocketing again?

- Sorry.
- What have I told you?

This is other people's property.

You got his keys and his
phone and his wallet

and this little

What is that?

Oh, that's the saddest little
birthday balloon ever,

and don't you ever
touch stuff like this.

No.

Now let's go get
you an ice cream.

- Yes!
- Come on.

It's like you're
drinking out of my ass.

- They're coming.
- In disguise.

Here we go, Mike.

Go ahead and open up Bryce's
locker for me there.

- Whoa!
- What?

That is not mine.

Well, they just came
out of your locker.

Literally every single pill

I've ever seen in
my entire life.

Bryce, what is...
Women's multi vitamins?

You don't need these kind of drug...
What is that?

Bryce, is that black tar heroin?

- What?
- Bryce, look me in the face.

Is that heroin?

I don't know what
heroin looks like.

Uh-oh, guys.

That looks like a schedule 1

controlled substance
on school property.

That's an automatic academic
and athletic suspension,

if I'm not mistaken, of course.

Yeah, remember you told
us in the parking lot.

Guys, look, I have no idea
how that got in there.

Well, we are gonna
go to my office

and we are gonna sort it
out right now, aren't we?

Lead the way.

Hasta luego, Bryce.

Yeah, Bryce. Heads up.

Ah!

Fairbell!

- Get over here right now!
- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- What was that?

I was supposed to hit him.
I was aiming at him.

Oh, well, your aim is horrific.

I have to look cool in
front of these kids, okay?

- You do look cool.
- Do you mean that?

Yeah, you have, like, a button.

I get hit all the time and
everyone thinks I look cool.

Well, I wouldn't totally
disagree with... hey!

No! No, no, no, no, no!

Both of you stop it right now.

Get your tie out of your mouth.

This is going down in history
as a ridiculous day.

Here's what's gonna happen.

We're gonna go up to my office,
I'm gonna deal with Bryce here,

and then I'm gonna deal with
you three children, okay?

Now, Bryce, lead the way.
You're the best looking.

Let's go.

Let's go.

You see, that's the problem.

You all act like children.

Now you're in
charge of children.

Hey, Tammy, did I ever tell
you I value the opinion

of a Chili's waitress
more than the garbage

that comes out of your face?

- Oh, hello. Okay.
- Oh, hello to you.

- Let's go.
- Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! Tammy!

- I'm not afraid of you, Tammy.
- What?!

You better put your
boy on a leash

or I'll find all your asses
out in the parking lot.

- I'm real scared.
- You better be.

Chill.

You three, in my
office right now.

- Quinn will see you now.
- You serve an invaluable function, Tammy.

What you... oh, you better get
your ass up in there, boy.

- Loren, get in here.
- Missed.

Leave Tammy alone.

So, how long is Bryce suspended for?
Two weeks?

And he can't ever play
lacrosse again, right?

Here's an idea.

How about the three of you start
to focus on yourselves...

Oh, come on. Rather
than Bryce Chastain?

Don't tell me he
got off, Geoffrey.

Students' actions have to
have consequences, Geoffrey.

You see what's in my hand here?

This is a check for $5,000
from Bryce Chastain Sr.

Made out to Reed
Smoot High School.

You took a bribe.

I did not take a bribe.

- Yes, you did.
- It's a coincidence.

His dad wanted to
make a donation.

You took it in 'cause
you're spineless.

I am spinefull. Say
that I am spinefull.

You take it back.

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi
yiyi-yi-yi-yi.

I do not think that Bryce
Chastain is doing heroin.

And if I were to find
out that three teachers

planted heroin in his locker,
I would have to f-word them.

You're gonna f-word us?

Yes.

I guess if somebody's got
to go first, I can go.

Fire... The word
is fire, Fairbell.

God, I didn't now.

I think all three of you
have a class to get to,

so... Let's get to it.

Thank you for not
f-wording us, you coward.

Get the fuck out of my office.

Ah.

What's up, Coach?

Lady tariffs, go ahead
and take a knee.

Let's have some share time.

I'm sorry for the grumps.

I just came from getting
my a-hole chewed on

by the big man 'cause I tried
to stick up for myself

for once and I failed...
As usual.

I guess the Bryce Chastains
of the world win every time.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

That was a little bit
of an over share.

I do have some of your
drug test results here.

Thank you for being honest.

None of you are on
performance-enhancing drugs,

but, uh, cindy, you need

to start drinking some
more water, okay?

That sample was pretty thick.

Uh, Laney, you're hypoglycemic.

I don't know either.

Beth, congrats, you're pregnant.

I don't know if you
knew that or not.

Okay, eyes up here,
Lady Tarrifs.

That information is
confidential, okay?

It's between Beth
and her doctor, me,

and now all of you, okay?

All right, let's warm up.

Beth, I want you
working double time.

You're playing for two now.

_

I have a feeling this is
gonna be pretty satisfying.

Oh, oh. There they come.

Why are they going across...

Oh!

No, no, no!

Natural gifts.

Ants on a wasp.

Did you have another over share?

Hey, that gym is my
confessional booth, okay?

Oh, it's Quinn.

Get off of him, Lady Tarrifs!

Get out of there!

Get off of him!

Get out of there, Debbie!

Yah, yah, yah!

He's... he's looking.

- Oh, oh!
- Stay down.

Close it, Fairbell. Close it.

Yeah, I'm sure he's not
gonna notice that.

- Come on. Hold onto the cord, idiot.
- It's sticking!

He's not gonna see that at all.

We're gonna get so
many written warnings.

Relax, it's not illegal
to watch kids fight.

I'm not afraid of Quinn.

Yeah, me neither.

All right, keep your back low.
Come on.

There's no way you clowns

make it to the end of the year.

How'd your plan go?

Perfectly until Quinn
messed everything up.

I have a feeling Bryce
got what he deserved.

Oh, baby, who did this to you?

Who did this?

No! No! No! No! No! No!

My bitchin' Camaro!

Yeah.

How's it going there, red?

Better... Now.

Mmm.

Yeah, it's gin and Mr. Pibb.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It tastes like it.

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!