The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Night of the Dancing Death - full transcript

You know, it's the
antiquity of all this

that gives me the chills,

the knowledge
that it all goes back

to the very dawn of
Western civilization.

Even though I am the
curator of the museum,

it never fails to impress me.

The fabled tomb of Ho Tem Ra,

mighty pharaoh of
Egypt at its most glorious.

And all of this is
the original, is it?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Oh, that would be
Mr. West and Mr. Heisel,



the Egyptian representative.

What is this?

An additional shipment
for you, Mr. Logan.

Oh, I don't remember
any shipment due to arrive,

but, uh, all right.

Uh, set it over there, please.

Fine. We'll unpack it tomorrow.

Thank you.

I must admit that of late,

I've been getting absent-minded.

Age. Comes to us all.

All except the very old. Yes.

Now here, there
is a very rare piece.

This scarab belonged to
the fabled wife of a pharaoh.



She was a queen.

Notice, if you will,

the particular design
here on the back.

Mr. West and Mr. Heisel?

Right. There you are. Very good.

And let me restate,
Your Highness,

my government's
deepest apologies

for this unfortunate incident.

But I can assure you...

Apologies are a poor substitute

for the loss of a
ruby, Mr. Finley.

When my government
loaned the exhibit,

you assured us that maximum
security would be exercised.

You must understand, sir,
that it will take some time

to arrange for the
recovery of the ruby.

Time, like my patience,
is running short.

Results are called
for now, not words.

Pardon, Highness.

Highness is most
distressed by this calamity

and will retire now.

We shall continue
with this later.

But you may go on ahead.

I will join you shortly.

You must not judge
Mr. Heisel too harshly.

He's a faithful steward of
the Egyptian government,

and he easily becomes emotional.

I know this must be a very
difficult time for all of you,

and I do not wish to burden
you with more trouble.

But I think that you
should know, Mr. West,

that before I left Egypt,
a wedding date was set

between myself and
the prince, Ali Khadif.

However, unless my
dowry contains the ruby,

the prince's father, the khan...

He'll oppose the wedding.

And it is not just a wedding.

It will bring peace where
there has always been war,

happiness where there
was only fear before.

Both the prince and I know

the lasting benefits
that peace can bring.

He is a very gentle,

a very kind young man.

And you love him very much.

Your Highness, please be assured

that Mr. Gordon and I will
do everything in our power

to recover the ruby.

I know that you will, Mr. West.

Goodbye.

Good day.

This is catastrophic.

It's even worse than that.

Don't worry, Mr. Finley.
We'll find that ruby.

Oh? How? When? Where?

Why don't you let us
worry about that, Mr. Finley?

I want an answer,
do you hear that?

I want an answer!

Sorry, Mr. Finley.

That's a little warning
device I forgot to turn off.

You see, any time one
of the sealed windows

or doors is opened, that, uh...

I want you to get
that ruby back.

And within 24 hours.

Oh, Mr. Finley.

Your hat, sir.

Someone left a package for us.

Look familiar?

Is that a thank you note?

For the ruby. How
much do they want?

They want $50,000, Artie,
and they want it tonight,

at a place called the Blue
Whale Bar on the waterfront.

Bartender.

Your name's West. That's right.

This way.

Over here.

Here? That's good.

Glad you could make it, West.

And on such short notice too.

Well, I had nothing
else planned.

I'm glad of that.

Now, if you'll just kindly
pull that drape back.

Call it an insurance
policy if you like.

I've put Heisel's life

entirely in your hands.

Meet Ferret,

an associate with a
couple of unique talents.

One, he's mute.

And two, he can spot
a phony bill blindfolded,

which brings us to the
object of this meeting...

The money.

I trust you brought it with you.

Now I'd like to see the ruby.

That's not very
smart of you, West.

I didn't say that
I had the money.

Oh, i-it's here.

My associate has it.

Move, countermove, huh?

All right, you can see the ruby.

But any more tricks
and your friend, Heisel,

will wind up with a
very, very sore throat.

Now, just take a look around

at the prettiest
thing in the room.

Her name is Rosie.

Luscious, isn't she?

From head to toe.

You agree?

I agree.

Hey!

Yee-hoo!

Yee-hoo!

They were going to kill me.

Another second...

If it hadn't been for you,
Mr. West, they'd have killed me.

You're all right
now, Mr. Heisel.

Why don't you
just try and relax?

No, no, no, no. They
were going to kill me!

Thank you, my friend.
Thank you, thank you.

The ruby. Did you get it?

Oh, I'm sorry about the ruby.

Then I'll get it back myself,

if I have to search
every inch of the city.

Mr. Heisel, the only place
you're going right now, sir,

is back to your hotel.

No, the ruby! It
has to be recovered.

It must be returned to...

To...

All right, Mr. West.

I'll go back to the hotel.

Al, take him to the hotel.

Quite a party.

Well, you helped get it started.

Artie, did you find the girl?

No. Looks like we're not
the only ones after that ruby.

This is what was
buried in Ferret's back.

You ever seen
anything like this?

Yeah, in pictures.

It's the classical dagger
of the amber eye sect.

The palace guard
of the old pharaohs.

Artie, you are a
walking encyclopedia.

Thank you.

How about this?

Did you ever see
anything like this key?

No, not even in pictures.
Where did you get that?

This was sewed into
Ferret's coat lining.

Certainly makes it seem
important, doesn't it?

Artie, that knife ought
to be easy to trace.

Why don't you give it a try?

Thanks a lot. What
are you gonna do?

I'm going to find the girl.

Jason.

Now, now, Satchen.

There's no need to
be rough with the lady.

Now...

Where is the ruby?

We are closed. So sorry.

Foo!

Come off it, will you, mate?

You got more ruddy room here

than you can shake a
blinkin' marlinespike at.

You are mistaken.

Will you leave?

Peacefully?

All right, all right.

No need to get in no uproar.

I, uh...

I, uh...

just came in to wet
me whistle anyway.

I grovel at your feet, sir.

Boy, that's real nice.

What for?

To atone for the
stupidity of that waiter.

There is always a
table for fine gentlemen.

Well, that's a bit more like it.

You the owner here?

No, I am called Amalek Assin.

Won't you join me at my table?

A ruddy pleasure.

Well, thank you.

Cozy spot, huh?

I won't be needing that no more.

Oh, I must say I envy you chaps,

the way you take your pleasures.

No, it's you whom I envy, sir.

What, me?

To be a man of
the sea as you are,

to be free,

restless as the waves,

to journey from
horizon to horizon,

wind directing your sails,
ever onward, onward.

Oh, come off it, mate.

You're only talking that way
because you never had to

sail around the horn
without no fresh water,

and as murderous a scum
of a crew as ever set sail,

just as ready to cut
your gullet as look at you.

The sea... Hmm.

The only thing the
sea ever gave me

was the clothes on me back,

and a wad of chewing
tobacco in me pocket.

And a knife to cut
your tobacco with, eh?

Huh? Don't forget that.

Eh, you mean that?

Exquisite workmanship.

Do you mind?

Why, not at all.
Here. Help yourself.

Excuse me, mate, but
are you as thirsty as I am?

A thousand pardons, sir.

Arrack from my own private
stock for the gentleman.

Aye.

You know, I have
an absolute passion

for the handicraft
of true artisans.

It does havoc with
my pocketbook,

but I'll buy this from you.

No. No, no.

It ain't much of a toad sticker,

but I've grown
rather fond of it.

Sorry, it's not for sale.

But I could offer you, say...

Cut it, mate. I said it's
not for sale, and I mean it.

Well, it's of no
importance, really.

May I pour your arrack for you?

Why, sure. Thank you.

Here's to our
newfound friendship.

May it grow like a banyan tree.

I'll drink to that.

Quite a puppet, beard.

You're a very talented magician.

Ah, it's just a knack,
really, nothing more.

Thank you.

Eh, so you like
tricks, do you, eh?

Here, watch this.

That's a little
trick that I learned

while I was in Calcutta
once for a brief while.

Taught to me by a
magician. Most interesting.

Cheers, mate.

Most refreshing.

I really could take another.

You could? Yeah.

Well, so... So... So you
shall then, all you want.

I... I don't have the
time, matie, sorry.

But really...

There's a certain party
that's waiting for me,

if you take my meaning.

Well, thank you just the same.

I really did enjoy
that little drink.

So long, matie.

You see, I also
have a toad sticker.

Hey, blimey, that's right.

Well, it's a set, ain't it, eh?

Where did you get this?

I found it.

In a friend.

He, uh, ran into it by
accident, you might say.

It must have given
him pain to part with it.

It gave him a lot more
pain meeting with it.

At the time of parting,

he was much too
dead to feel any sorrow.

Now, who are you, really?

Captain Harold's the name,

late of Her Majesty's
frigate the Northumberland.

Her Majesty and me, we,
uh, had a little disagreement.

I was forced to retire.
Without no pension.

Well, I've certainly
enjoyed this chat, mates.

Well, I told you, I have
this party waiting for me,

so if you don't mind.

The Port Said was
not the first time

in which you
displayed this knife.

You've gone to great
trouble to find us. Why?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I just went in there
to wet my whistle.

Goodbye, captain.

I have no time to fritter

with anyone who
imagines me a fool.

That's a ready shame,

me with that Persian
jewel on me hands.

What kind of jewel?

A rare ruby.

A right rare old ruby

that come with that knife.

Where is it?

If you don't tell
me where it is...

You'll what? You'll do me in?

It's the last time you'll
ever see that stone.

I will give you $50,000

if you will deliver
the ruby to me here.

Fifty thousand?

Can't you make it a little more?

Fifty thousand.

But it must be
within three hours.

Well...

That's a right short time, mate.

What if I can't make it by then?

Then I assure you,

your knife will be
returned to you.

Well, given the alternatives,

I might just put
myself out a little.

Stubbornness is a...

an admirable trait,
Rosie, my love.

I admire you for it.

But I pity you the consequences.

Now where is the ruby?

You have such a pretty face.

In fact, fear has
even made it beautiful.

It would be such a shame.

Now what did you do with it?

You'll put nails in my
coffin before I tell you.

It would grieve me for it to
have to come to that, Rosie.

You're being very
stupid, you know?

You see, I know why you
won't answer my questions.

It's because that dummy
Ferret was killed tonight.

God should take your own
tongue for calling him that.

In his own way, he said
more than you'll ever say.

He was a kind, good-hearted man.

And he was like a
father to you. I know that.

Yes, and if he hadn't
been mixed up with you,

he'd be alive today.

Yes, well, this is
all very touching.

Also very taxing.

Now where is that ruby?

You'll be gone to meet
your friend the devil

before I tell you.

You've just made it necessary

to make the
acquaintance of a little...

pet of mine.

All right, Jason, you win.

The ruby fell off my
foot while I was running.

I don't know where it is.

That's the honest truth.

Unfortunately, I don't
believe you, Rosie.

You're lying.

Now where is it, Rosie?

I swear, I don't
know where it is.

That's the honest truth!

That window was closed before.

I think you'd better
drop that gun, Mr. West.

Now why should I do that?

He shoots me, I'm
going to shoot you.

Sounds pretty unpleasant to me.

I take it you have
a plan in mind?

You and your boys
will just stay right here.

I like that.

I leave with the girl.

Your life and hers for mine?

That's a fair trade.

Somehow, Mr. West,

I get the feeling
we'll meet again.

After saving me
from Jason Starr,

if I knew where the
ruby was, I'd tell you.

It had to have
fallen off my foot.

I was in such a panic,
I don't know where.

And I don't care.

It only brought unhappiness.

It can stay lost.

You're, uh,
probably tired, Rosie.

Boy, I am.

Why don't you just lie
down and take a nap?

Get some rest.

There you go.

Thank you.

She's a pretty
little girl, isn't she?

Pity she's such a liar.

Yeah, isn't it?

Hey, Artie, you never told me.

Where were you?

In the Pleasure Palace
of Arabia, Port Said.

From there, two very
obliging gentlemen

took me to see Fifi La Grande.

It's not what you think.

She happens to be
on a theatrical poster

at the end of a blind
alley outside the Port Said.

Or at least it was a blind alley

until one of them
touched Fifi's tightrope.

The one I talked to
was second in command.

The leader was in
there somewhere

but he was hidden
in the back room.

You make a deal?

They offered me $50,000

if I brought them the ruby.

I haven't been able
to figure that out.

Why?

I had a chance to
examine that stone

back in the museum, Jim.

That's a third-rate ruby.

That stone on the open market,

it wouldn't bring
more than $2,000.

Artie, maybe... Maybe they
have the same motive as Jason,

they're trying to
blackmail the government.

Yeah, maybe.

But then why the deadline?

I mean, they had
to have the ruby

inside of three hours.

That's got to be the problem.

Oh, I wouldn't be
too sure about that.

Artie, why the deadline?

And why are they
willing to pay so much

for something
that's worth so little?

I don't know, but I figure
the answer has to be

in one of these books.

I've been doing some research
on "The Tomb of Kings," Jim.

I've come up with some
startling information.

Looks like Rosie's
not so tired after all.

Is this what you're
looking for, Rosie?

It will take weeks to thaw.

Now that's what I call

being real helpful, Mr. West.

The ruby.

It would be a pity for a bullet

to ruin those fine
clothes, Mr. West.

All right, in
there, both of you.

Grab him!

Get him!

You'll catch your
death of cold, my love.

Remember, Mr. West,

things always get darkest

before they go completely black.

You two wait for me outside.

What does that mean?

It means we're either going
to die from a lack of oxygen,

or we're going
to freeze to death.

We're trapped.

And there's not a living soul
who even knows we're here.

Amalek will be back soon.

He said that you should wait.

Thanks, mate. I'll do that.

What's going on here?

A game of chance?

That's a strange-looking game.

How's it played?

You have never played it before?

Can't say as I have.

Then we will show you.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you. That's
very kind of you.

I'm always in the
market, so to speak,

for a new kind of game.

Now what's the game?

These numerals here...

What's the matter?

There's not enough oxygen left.

I'm going to have
to shorten the fuse.

Who did it?

I've got a good idea Artemus
is in a lot of trouble right now.

Well, rum luck, mates,

Although I certainly have
enjoyed learning this game.

Oh, yes, you have very
good taste, my good man,

very good, indeed.

For a man who does
not know how to play,

you played very well.

Ain't you never heard
of beginner's luck?

Yes, and yours just ran out.

Well, you have the
ruby, Captain Harold?

Indeed, I do.

So, so, so, give it to me.

I've been giving this
matter some thought,

and I must say that I
can get a better offer

from the head man.

There is no one else.

Oh, no.

I know hired help when I see it.

The head man or no deal.

No deal.

Wait a minute. Take your
Persian hands off of me, you!

Mm-hmm.

I have a ruby also,
Captain Harold.

Yeah, well, that one's a fake.

I think it's you
who are the fake.

You know it would be interesting

to find out who you are really.

I have the means but,
unfortunately, not the time.

Well, it's a pity.

On the other hand, I
wouldn't want to keep you

from any prior engagement.

Nor would I want you to miss

any golden opportunity...

that's been waiting
around for over 3,000 years.

My friend, that is a fact

which you will carry
with you to the grave.

Artie. I'm fine.

They've got the ruby.

I know, and they killed
our friend Jason to get it.

How obliging of
them. Is Rosie all right?

Yeah. I sent her
back to the hotel.

Do you have any idea
where they're going?

Yes, I do.

I think we got just about
half an hour to get there.

Out with those lights!

I'd drop that
knife if I were you.

It will be too late!
It will be too late!

I curse you!

Years I've waited
for tonight. Years!

Only to have everything ruined.

You stupid fools!

Do you know what
this room conceals?

The treasure of Ho Tem Ra.

Very ingeniously protected.

Only when the moon
is in a certain position

is the location revealed.

Right, Heisel?

Yes.

Yes.

But then you must also know
that it will be another 12 years

before the chance comes again.

Twelve years, 6 months, 4 days,

and 2 hours, to be exact.

And since you gentlemen

will probably still be
detained by then...

But how do you intend
to get the treasure?

You'd tear a priceless
monument apart?

No, I, uh,

I think I can figure out a
way to turn back the clock,

if I may return that
jewel to its rightful owner.

Now, the angles of the mirrors

should duplicate exactly

the position of the moonlight

a few minutes ago.

You fool.

Don't you think I've
tried everything?

Reflected moonlight
is too weak for it.

Yes, but if we reflect

true moonlight,

through a concave
mirror pointed down

through the hole
on the statue's head,

and then increase it with
this parabolic magnifier,

we should be able to
obtain the proper intensity.

They certainly protected
their treasures well.

Even Heisel didn't
realize how well.

All right, Amalek,
we're going in.

I must say,

the princess really
looked radiantly happy.

Artie, wouldn't you?

She got her prince,
her ruby back,

and $8 million.

Yeah, that tends to make...

Oh, not again.

It's from the
princess, a present,

a token of her appreciation.

Oh, that's...

very magnanimous
of her. Beautiful.

You know, it's a
shame, Artie, but, um...

We can't keep it. Mm-mm.

Rosie.

Now, before you go
jumping to any conclusions,

I can explain everything.

I didn't come to steal from you.

I just came back for my things.

I left them here
the other night.

You can search me,
if you don't believe me.

No, that's all right.

Then I'll be going.

Thank you again
for saving my life.

Uh, Rosie...

What will you do now?

I'll find something.

What, dancing in some bar?

If I have to.

I want to be a seamstress,

but no one would hire
me, knowing what I've been.

I've tried before.

That's why I wanted the ruby.

With it, I could have
opened up my own store.

Still, after all the
trouble I've caused you,

I shouldn't be burdening
you with my problems.

Bye.

Rosie.

Oh, take it. Open your shop.

No.

No, I can't accept it.

Rosie, please
take it. We insist.

All right, I'll
trade you for it.

Artie, why didn't
you search her?

You told me not to.