The Wild Wild West (1965–1969): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Night of the Glowing Corpse - full transcript

Irv.

Looks like your hunch
was right, Mr. West.

Look at this list.

Every 20 minutes, a known
member of the syndicate

goes in there with a bag.

Five minutes later, he
comes out empty-handed.

Norbert Plank in there?

Plank. The bookkeeper?

Right. Yes, sir.

How many men do
you figure are in there?

Three or four.



I'm going in.

If I'm not out in two minutes,

Artemus Gordon's
at Fifth and Pier.

Thanks, Irv.

Are you sure this is all of it?

Yes, sir, Mr. Plank.

That's the lot.

It isn't nearly as much

as I expected.

I'm not quite sure
that our employer

is going to be satisfied
as easily as you.

But what can I do, Mr. Plank?

Well, I suggest you go out
and find out what happened

to the rest of the money.



How can I do that?

Well, that's not
my problem, is it?

Now, get out of here.
I've got some work to do.

Yes, sir.

Forget something?

Yeah, Norbert. I forgot you.

Now, you get up slowly, Norbert,

and you won't scream
as we walk out this door.

You're making a
considerable mistake.

You can't do this.

I'm doing it, Norbert.

What happened? It's a trap.

Ooh! Ooh!

It's okay. Good.

Welcome to the Diamond
Horseshoe, stranger.

Thank you, ma'am.
The sign outside says,

"Rhoda Ransom, prop."

That's me. What's your pleasure?

Well, right now, I'm
looking for the sheriff.

Oh. That's him.

Joe Baggs.

Thank you.

Sheriff. Joe, this is Mr...

Uh, West. James West.

He's here on business.

What's your poison, Mr. West?

Draw, five-card stud or...

Government business.

Are you a fed?

That's right.

Well, what do you want?

Him.

His name is Norbert Plank.

He's wanted for
murder in San Francisco,

and I had information
that he was in Epitaph.

Well, your information
is right, mister,

or at least it was.

That's him, isn't it?

It sure is.

He was around
town for a few days.

He just left his morning.

Took the early
stage for Ridge City.

Seemed to be in a
hurry to get out of town.

And looking at this, I
can see the reason why.

You hurry, you might be
able to catch him in Ridge City.

Thank you, sheriff.
My pleasure, Mr. West.

You better get word to the
boss. The feds are after Plank.

There was a fed named
West here looking for you.

Rhoda, my dear, your books
are in a deplorable state.

Deplorable.

Norbert.

I'll, uh, be glad
to do what I can

to straighten them
out while I'm here,

but, uh, you really should
hire a competent bookkeeper.

A man who knows what he's doing.

Norbert, you've got
to get out of town.

I was sent here to hide out.

The orders I brought you
from our mutual employer

were that you were to give
me refuge and protection

from the law.

He didn't know the
federals were after you.

Rhoda, dear, do you know
what our employer will do to you

if you let anything
happen to me,

or must I tell you?

Good.

Now, as I was
saying, Rhoda, dear,

I'll be happy to, uh,
straighten out your accounts

as long as I'm in Epitaph.

And what if West comes back?

I am back.

Now, now, now, now...

Come on, Plank.

It would be very
easy for me to kill you.

Drop your gun, amigo.

Okay, señor.

I'll get Baggs.

Stop him! Stop that man...!

The boss will be
here in the morning.

Let's let him decide
what to do with him.

Put him in jail tonight.

Who is this hombre,

this big boss we work for, huh?

He's the big boss, that's who.

Recognize him, colonel?

Mm-hm. David Desmond.

Right. More popularly
known as Diamond Dave.

Well, the man may be a
bit flamboyant, Gordon,

but he's a respected financier.

He's the head of the entire
territory-wide crime syndicate.

With the money made
from that operation,

he's just put it into
honest industries.

I know. I read about
it in the papers.

His, uh, last acquisition
was some mining company.

That's right. Epitaph
Mines Incorporated.

Yeah, that's it.

Which owns and controls
the town of Epitaph.

Well, so what?

Colonel, you think
it's just a coincidence

that the bookkeeper
for the entire syndicate

should use the town of Epitaph

to hide out from
a murder charge?

You mean David
Desmond might be harboring

the bookkeeper
for the syndicate?

I don't mean might
be, I mean he is.

One Norbert Plank.

I don't believe it.

Jim's gone there to pick
him up on the murder charge.

That bookkeeper and his books

are the key to smashing
the entire syndicate, colonel.

I see.

And you and Jim plan to grab
Plank before Desmond does?

Well, we're sure gonna try to.

I have a strange feeling
that, uh, ridiculous outfit

has something to do
with the whole thing.

Well, it certainly does.

And just who are you
gonna be this time?

An itinerant character I
know named Hallelujah Harry.

Hallelujah Harry's my name.

Saving's my game.

And from what I know of
Diamond Dave Desmond,

he's gonna need a lot of saving.

Help! Somebody!

Help!

Somebody! Help!

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three...

Four.

Help! Help!

Save your breath

and save your life.

Now, give me your other hand.

Now, put your shoes on.

And just how do you think

you're going to
get me out of town?

That's my worry.
Put those shoes on.

And worry you should,

because when Constable Baggs

discovers you've
escaped from his jail,

he and his men will block
every possible avenue of escape.

You will be, uh, trapped
behind enemy lines, so to speak.

I said put those shoes on.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, uh, if you, uh, think
the good people of Epitaph

will aid a federal agent in
the performance of his duty,

I advise you now to forget it.

You see, Epitaph
is a company town,

and since the livelihood of
every miner and businessman

is dependent on the company

of which Constable
Baggs and I are employees,

they are not likely to
encourage displeasure

by aiding you in your attempt
to, uh, shall we say, kidnap me.

You are alone in
Epitaph, Mr. West.

Completely and utterly alone.

I get the picture.

And it doesn't dismay you?

No.

A couple of you
check the livery stable.

The rest of you come with me.
We got to see if Plank's okay.

Are you still
undismayed, Mr. West?

Ah...! Uh... Uh...

Plank, open the door.

Something's wrong.

Yeah. You better get Baggs.

Plank! Plank! Open up!

All right, break this door down.

Break it down!

Well, it looks
like West got him.

All right. Now, you listen.

I want this town
bottled up so tight

that even a bug
couldn't get out of it.

If the boss finds out about
this, it'll mean our hide.

All right. Let's just
move out of here.

Monk!

Oh, yes, sir? Get out there

and see what's
holding up that stage.

We'll never be in Epitaph
in the morning this way.

Bless you, brother!

Bless you, and peace!

Hallelujah Harry's the name,
saving souls is my game,

although I can tell from
the look of your face

that you are one of those sweet
people whose soul doesn't need

any prayer at all to be saved,

which brings me
to the thought...

Perhaps you might be willing
to make a small contribution

to my missionary work
amongst the Hopahakis,

a deserving tribe of
our Indian brethren.

How about it, sir?

Care to make a
small contribution?

You want me to throw
him out, Mr. Desmond?

How about you, Mr. Des...?

Desmond?

Say, now, hey, you
wouldn't happen to be...?

By golly, you are
Diamond Dave Desmond!

Why, your generosity's
absolutely legend, Mr. Desmond!

Legend.

Well, I like to help
out now and then, yes.

Oh, I tell you, your
goodness is equalled

only by your modesty.
Yes, sir, I tell you,

the Hopahaki's would
be eternally grateful to you

for any little thing you
might care to give them.

Well, fine. Fine.

Now, who do you
think you're kidding?

I know all about you.

You're no more a
preacher than I am.

You're just a two-bit
con man, aren't you?

Yes, that's right. That's
what... That's what I am.

Fooling those
poor little suckers

with that contribution
talk, aren't you?

That's right. That's
right, Desmond.

Uh, no hard feelings,
now. No hard feelings.

Yee-hoo!

The stage is coming,
Mr. Desmond.

Well, let's get
going. It's about time.

Oh, Mr. Desmond. What is it?

Your stick pin. It's gone.

That's not all that's
missing, either, brother.

My watch.

And my wallet.

A man should have
more than one way

for bringing in the
sheaves, I always say.

Hey, you. Come over here.

Well, sure.

Here you are.

I like you.

You got talent.

Well, thank you.

I like, uh, talented
people around me.

How would you like
to come to Epitaph?

Epitaph, brother?

That's something we all
gotta come to sooner or later.

Epitaph's a town I own.

It's got a nice
little church there.

No preacher. How'd
you like the job?

What do you mean, have
a congregation all my own?

A whole flock for
me to shepherd?

That's right.

Why, I tell you, it'd be
the answer to my prayer.

The answer to my
prayer, Mr. Desmond.

That's a higher calling...
Uh, what's it pay?

Forty percent of the
take out of the collections.

Seventy?

Forty.

Sixty. Fifty.

It's a deal. Let's go.

And bless you,
brother. Bless you.

Bless you. Yes, sir. Hallelujah!

Please, get away from here.

You don't know what can
happen to anyone who helps you.

Buenas noches, amigo.

Put him down.

Carefully.

Come on, you guys!

Forget him.

He's gotta be around
here somewhere.

Shh.

Stay down.

You move, I'll
blow your head off.

Mr. West, please,

I want to help you.

I do.

Let's go to my room.
We can talk there.

We can talk right here.

All right.

Do you want to help me?

Yes. Why?

Well, you, uh... You need
horses to get out of town.

I can get them for you.

Why?

When a girl, uh, does a favor,

she should get a favor.

Like they always
say, quid pro quo.

I didn't know that's
what they always said.

But what exactly
is it that you want?

Five minutes alone
with Norbert Plank

before you take him away.

Why would a girl like you

want five minutes
with a guy like him?

Oh, he's not such a bad guy.

As a matter of fact, he's, um...

He's kind of sweet after
you get to know him.

The girl that got to know him
in San Francisco, he killed.

Look, uh, I... I just want
to say goodbye to him.

How about it?

Let me put it to you this way...

Open up! Desmond.

Who?

Wait, wait. What
about Norbert Plank?

Rhoda, open up!

Mr. Desmond. What the devil

is going on here? Where's Baggs?

Sheriff Baggs has problems.

Go get him. What problems?

It'll go down better
with a drink. Come on in.

I sent Plank here for
you to keep an eye on,

and you let a fed steal him
right out from under your nose!

Why, I ought to...

If that fellow West gets
him back to San Francisco,

that little crumb will
never stop talking.

But what does he know?

Names, numbers, dates, places.

He knows enough to
put us away for 20 years.

You know that? Now, what
did he do with the books?

Books? What...?
What...? What books?

The company books!

I... I... I don't know.

Hey, don't look at me.

Come on. We got to find him.

Mr. Desmond. Yeah?

Okay, come on.

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

Get out of there! Get out!

Hey, peace, brothers.
Peace, peace.

Sure trying to get out.

Trying to get out
as fast as I can.

Giddyup. Giddyup, there.
Come on. Giddyup, there.

Giddyup!

Come on.

Nice of you to
drop in, Mr. West.

I never did get an answer.

Quid pro quo, remember?

I do you a favor,

and you give me five
minutes alone with Plank.

It doesn't take five
minutes to say goodbye.

It does for me.

But it might take you
that long to convince Plank

to tell you where the
syndicate books are hidden.

Well, why would
you be interested

in such hot merchandise?

Insurance.

Against what?

Against the day
Desmond sees a woman

he likes better than me.

And knowing Dave, that could
happen at any given moment.

What about the
diamonds he's given you?

Isn't that insurance enough?

Oh, Desmond
doesn't give diamonds.

He just lends them.

When I go, they stay. Unless...

You've got the syndicate
books to blackmail him with.

I... I'm sorry,

but the federal government
has better use for those books.

No five minutes
alone with Norbert?

Not five seconds.

Goodbye.

Just a little precaution
against amorous drunks

wandering up from the saloon,

or thieves with
designs on my jewelry.

Did you find him? Not a thing.

Help! Help! Help! Help!

Help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Rhoda?

Help!

Ah! Help! Help!

Where is he, Mr. West?

You're wasting
your time, Desmond.

I hope not. You see,
I'm a very patient man,

but I've learned
over a period of years

that it's a luxury
I cannot afford.

All evidence to the contrary.

I find that the
race is to the swift.

Oh, say, Mr. Desmond, I...

Have a seat.

Now, where is he, Mr. West?

How about me talking
to him, Mr. Desmond?

Uh, later, perhaps, Monk.

I have a proposition that
might interest Mr. West.

Plank is wanted for
murder in San Francisco.

What could the
law do to him there

that justice-loving men can't
do to him right here in Epitaph?

Now, you turn him over to me,

and I give you my word
that he'll pay for his crime.

That way you'll save yourself
a long and troublesome trip

back to California.

Even Plank's
entitled to a fair trial.

No problem. I promise
you that he'll have

a scrupulously fair
hearing before he's hanged.

Before that, you'll get the
books he's been keeping

for your organization.
No deal, Desmond.

Now, Mr. Desmond?

I'm gonna give these
men 10 minutes to find him.

After that, I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to use

more persuasive tactics.

All right, get going.

Now, you give them a hand,

and take this town apart
board by board if you have to.

Yes, Mr. Desmond.

Where are you going, preacher?

What?

I say as shepherd of the flock,

I should go out and
join in the search

for a lost sheep.

Well, where's the church?

And there's the steeple.

Open the door.

One minute, Mr. West.

Hey, Monk, how about the church?

Good idea, brothers,

but I already saved
you the trouble.

There's no one here.

There's, uh... There's
no one here, you know.

No one.

See? Told you there
was no one here, right?

You won't be upset
if I don't believe you.

Oh, you mean up there? I already
been up there. No one there.

Sure.

I really have been up there.

Hey, Monk!

The federale, he escaped again.

What?

Hi, Artie.

Jim!

I want to welcome
you to Epitaph.

Thank you very much.

We got to get Plank out
of here before it gets dark.

Yeah, we will. What about
the syndicate's books?

Did you get them?

I haven't had a chance to
talk to Plank about that yet.

Boy, you're getting more
absent-minded every day.

Look what you forgot back
there at the saloon, huh?

Oh. Thank you. You're welcome.

It's a cinch he's got
them stashed somewhere.

Now, if you were a set of
books, where would you hide?

Dave, darling,
they're just not here.

Well, they're somewhere.

Come on. We gotta find them.

What were you doing up there?

Why, looking for you,
Brother Desmond,

like the good
shepherd that I am.

What for?

Why, to convey an idea
to you so monumental,

so cunning of
design, that I tell you

it has to be the handiwork of
some handmaiden of Satan's.

Listen, it occurred to me
that wherever West is hiding,

it's quite obvious that
he can see every move

you and your men make.

That's how he can stay a
jump ahead of you all the time.

So, what about that?

Well, suppose you
gave him the impression

that you'd given up, you
and your associates, huh?

All of you leave
town, like you believe

that he'd already gone out
of Epitaph with Brother Plank,

and you were
deserting the country

in order to avoid, uh, arrest.

I... I don't get the point.

The point is a Trojan
horse, you danged fool.

Well, the point is the
Maccabees and the Romans.

You just leave
Epitaph long enough

to embolden West
to come out of hiding.

And the minute he does...

Then we grab him. Right.

Why didn't one of you
dummies think of that?

Well, they ain't students
of history, brother.

Yeah. You're my
kind of man, preacher.

I don't think so, Mr. Desmond.

That's him.

That's the sinner
that stole my wagon

just two miles from the
April Valley stage station.

Well, who are you?

Hallelujah Harry,
and that's the mug

that stole my
wagon just two miles

from the April
Valley stage station.

No, that's ridiculous.
I've had that wagon

for over six years.

That wagon is two years old,

and if you don't believe me,

look at the year
plate under the step.

Well... Well, there...
There... There must...

There must be some kind
of mistake, then, that's all.

And you made it, brother.

Now I know why he didn't
want us to look into the church.

No, it was because, uh,

I been up there
looking myself, that's all.

Bring him along.

Hey. Now... Now... Now...
Now, you're maing a...

Go on, boy.

You're making
an error, all of you.

Let's set fire to
it, Mr. Desmond.

Burn him out.

And risk killing Plank

before we find out what he did
with the books? Don't be stupid.

No, we've got to think
of some other way.

All right, West,

I would prefer to
avoid bloodshed,

but I resort to it if I must.

Your colleague here
will be shot to death

before your very eyes

if you don't give
up in 60 seconds.

Do you hear me, West?

Sixty seconds.

Come on.

What are you doing?

Would you deny a condemned
man one last small pleasure?

Twenty seconds, West.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I think so. Let's go.

There I stood like an idiot
with a match in my hand,

and the page stayed
white and untouched

as the driven snow.

Blank. Completely.

Well, naturally, I was confused,

and then I remembered some
research I had done on Plank.

You know, before he became
a bookkeeper for the syndicate,

he was a sideshow attraction
in the P.T. Barnum circus.

A sideshow attraction?

Mm-hm. Memory expert, you know.

Billed as "The man
who can't forget."

All the syndicate's
records were right up there.

Okay, then. Yeah.

Rhoda would have
been terribly disappointed.

I'll bet.

How about that, Artie?

Desmond caught trying to
cross into Mexico with his gang.

Oh, that's fine, fine.

Artie. Hm?

Uh, what's that?

Hm?

What's that?

Oh, uh, that's...

That's just some
records I took off of Plank.

Well, then Plank did
keep some records.

Well, yeah. He
kept some records.

Well, Artie, it's...
It's not like you

to withhold evidence.

"Louise Long,
Palace Hotel, Denver.

"Emma Anderson, 104 Post Street,

"San Francisco.

Rhoda Ransom, Diamond
Horseshoe, Epitaph."

Well, we can forget
about her, of course,

because she's been arrested.

These are the
names and addresses

of women all over
the country, Artie.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm. I
figured, you know,

if we get a couple hours off
and we're stuck somewhere...

Artie, you know, that's what
I like about working with you.

You're always thinking
about our future.

Oh, thank you, James.
That's real kind...

Uh, oh, uh, Jim, can
I...? Uh, can I have the...?

Ar... Artie, let
me hold it for you.

No, no, no, wait a minute.

I got plenty of
room in my pocket.

There's no need
for you to hold it...

It would be my pleasure. I know,

once you get ahold of it,
that's the last I see of it.

I'm sure you've looked
at it. I have looked, but I...