The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 7, Episode 1 - The Venture Bros. and the Curse of the Haunted Problem - full transcript

...Venture!

My God.
There she is.

Something spooked Swifty
real bad, Dr. V.

I got a bad feeling
about this.

Nonsense, Hector.
He's probably just dehydrated.

Maybe, but that thing looks
kind of super evil, man.

Hmm, well,
I'm no Robert Langdon,

but that ugly customer
probably has something to do

with the so-called
"cursed temple"

the locals
were babbling about.

Thankfully,
as modern men of science,



we're intellectually immune
to such superstitious hokum.

Well, now, this is interesting.

Amazingly well preserved.

It's a miracle
it's survived in one piece.

I know the perfect place for it.

Miraculously surviving
the blistering reentry

and crash of the Gargantua-1,

it stands here today
as a fitting tribute

to the ingenuity
of Dr. Jonas Venture Sr.

- Oh, boy!
- Wow!

And moving along,
if you will step over this way,

you'll see the space suit
worn by Colonel Lloyd Venture.

What?! That's right!

The real first moon landing
happened in 19-aught-2.



Good morning, me!

It's 7:00 a.m.

Time to get up
and start that day!

Eh.

Good morning, me!

It's 7:00 a.m.

Time to get up
and start that day!

♪ I still hang around ♪

♪ Neither lost nor found ♪

Oh, no.

Not again.

What the f...

Aah!

Ehh.
Come on, come on.

Ah, God damn it!
Huh?

You killed us all!

♪ I still hang around ♪

H.E.L.P.eR.

Hey, buddy.
You get spooked, too?

Aah!

- ♪ Music in the night ♪
- Aah!

"Rusty Venture,"
brought to you by...

Ahh.

- Good morning, me!
- Gah!

- It's 7:00 a.m.
- Leave me alone already!

Time to get up
and start that day!

♪ I play the street life ♪

♪ Because there's
no place I can go ♪

Aah!

♪ Street life ♪

♪ It's the only life I know ♪

Aah!

Ah! Is everyone okay?
Wha...

Where's Hank?

Oh, my God.
Are you okay?

I'm... I-I-I'm fine.

Someone must have
walked over my grave.

Whoo!

So that was better.

I almost got your shirt off
that time.

Yeah. I tried concentrating
on "Walking Dead" zombies,

but then Michonne showed up.

Hey, Sirena!

Sirena, what are you
doing in there?

Landed on my joystick.

Hey, Usain Bolt.
No kiss good night?

Oh! Sorry.

Hey, you got a boy
in there, Sirena?

Now, get out of here
before Rocco sees you.

What?!
I'm trying to do my yoga!

In your
Victoria's Secret bra?

'Cause usually you wear,
like, a sports...

you know, like, the Free People.

Oh, my God.

What, have you been going
through my underwear drawers?

Race-back. That's what
they call it, right?

Ugh, don't even.
Just get out of my way.

I'ma take a shower right now

to wash your fucking skeeve
off of me.

Maybe you've had
enough coffee?

Maybe we should
call Dr. Orpheus.

- Dean, don't start this again.
- We got to do something.

It's getting worse, Doc.
Every night this week.

Ah!

- Our house is haunted!
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

This is a brand-new building.

It's obviously
a computer glitch.

Or is it the ghost
of Uncle J.J.?

You said yourself
he appeared to you.

His talking alarm clock
appeared to me.

By your logic,
Clippy the Paperclip haunts me

every time
I try to write a letter.

How do you explain
the weird voices,

the slamming doors,
the cold spots?

Integrated sound system,
automated doors,

central air,
all computer-controlled.

Someone or something wrote
on my stomach from the inside!

Residual nanobots.

Or maybe your stomach
is begging you

to stop
this vegetarian nonsense.

Come on.
Eat a bacon, Dean.

No!
You're not taking this serious!

Just one bacon,
that's all I ask.

- No!
- I'll take it.

And why isn't Hank
being haunted?!

'Cause I'm a good person?

Because nobody's
being haunted!

It's a computer glitch.
Ugh!

In fact, I'm going downstairs
to have it out

with my I.T. guy right now.

Yeah, I came in late.
Have you guys ruled out

"old lighthouse keeper
in a rubber mask" yet?

- Haunted?
- That's what they think, yeah.

I live with children.

I got to admit, it does get

kind of creepy
down here late at night.

Don't you start now.

The system was fine

until this one started
upgrading everything.

One Flash plug-in.

You're the one who just
had to see that cat video.

And it was hilarious!

Now, have you finished hacking
into the mainframe or whatever?

Yeah!

Acid Burn and Zero Cool

helped me
bypass the encryption.

This one.
All right.

I got the code up here now,
and, uh... ah, well.

Huh.
Well, this is weird.

What is it, a virus?

Maybe. I...
It's hard to tell.

This computer's speaking
in tongues or something.

It's like a digital patois
of DOS, Pascal, FORTRAN.

♪ I still hang around ♪

Ugh! There's that
goddamn song again.

I know this song.
"Street Life" by the Crusaders.

It's on the "Sharky's Machine"
soundtrack.

Super.
Just delete it, will you?

I heard enough of this
last night.

Rust, this song isn't in
your music library.

Now, how can you be sure?

There's like 20,000 songs
in there.

I was a college deejay.

This ain't no glitch, Rust.
You are being hacked.

- What? By who?
- I don't know. The Russians?

How about that
Blue Morpho character?

Yeah,
I think we can rule him out.

Yeah, well, whoever's
lurking in this system,

Professor Pete's patented
pink pilgrim cyber-snooper

will root him out
and shut him down.

Sorry, am I supposed
to be impressed

by your little pink dongle?

Oh!
You will be, pally.

It, uh, takes a while to load.

Y... I don't know.
Maybe go get lunch?

Hey, Vincenzo. Got all
the lunch deliveries made.

Just let me wash up, and I'll
help you out with the dough.

- You mind explaining this?
- There's my hat!

Geez, I must have forgot.

How many times I tell you,

when-a you on a delivery,
you represent-a Vincenzo's!

You wear the hat!

Sorry, sir.
It won't happen again.

No, it won't because-a
you fired, Hank Venture!

What?!

Just turn in-a
your polo shirt and go!

You a good boy.
Very good worker.

But you no can
work here no more.

Vincenzo, w-why are
you doing this?

The sign out front,
she may say "Vincenzo,"

but Vincenzo, he no the boss.

Capisce?

La Mano Orca.

Yeah, Vincenzo.
I "ca-pish."

Evil!
Pure evil!

First he locks up my girlfriend,
then he takes my job,

then he vandalizes

my hover-tronic
means of personal conveyance!

He's destroying my life!

Hey, there, uh, slugger.

Who's put the angry little bee
in your bonnet?

Wide Wale.

Wide Wa...
He's not supposed to...

I'm dating his daughter.

Whoa-ho!
Dating the enemy's daughter?

It's like Romeo and Juliet.
Or me and Princess Tiny Feet.

See, her dad was this
Native American crime fighter,

name of Chief Justice.

He just about
went on the warpath

when I proposed
to his little squaw.

Golly.
What'd you do?

I marched right up
to his titanium tepee

with one of my famous baskets
of howdy-do.

- And that worked?
- No! He shot me on the spot.

You know what I did?
I shot him right back.

Uh...

- A-Are they here yet?
- Who? The ghosts?

Hear me, Ventures!

See me!

Never fear!
The Order of the Triad is here!

Uh, almost.

New York,
just like I pictured it...

skyscrapers and everything.

Damn, my blood eye
had its freak on

since we hit Jersey.

Town must be crawling
with blaculas.

You sure it ain't
just allergies?

I packed the Claritin.

What you got,
the regular or the D?

- D.
- Aw, no way, man.

Can't do the D.
Gives me the jimjams.

Da! What the fuck!

Language, tadpole!

Fine, why the shit are your
goons welding my windows shut?

What am I,
your prisoner now?

It ain't like that,
sweetheart.

I'm just trying
to keep you safe.

Ugh! From who? Hank?
He's a nice boy, Pop.

He's an outsider!
Figlio del nemico.

He ain't family.

So, what, I'm supposed
to date my family?

Okay, Dad.

I'll hook up with cousin
Salvatore with the lazy eye.

We'll pop out a bunch
of flipper babies.

This is why I barred
your windows.

This Blue Morpho,
he don't play by the rules.

I can't risk nothing
happening to you.

Hey, Hank.
What are you doing?

N-Nothing.
What are you doing?

Nothing.

Thank you for coming
on such short notice.

My apologies for appearing
in my astral form,

but the Triad and I
are currently ensconced

in bumper-upon-bumper traffic

on your
Franklin Delano Roosevelt Drive.

Is Mr. Samson
not joining us?

He refuses to sleep in here.
That's how serious this is.

It's scare-a-Brock spooky.

Oh, great.
You called him.

But I had to.
You wouldn't listen.

You just kept
mansplaining it away.

I was science-splaining.

And I told you,
it's a computer glitch.

We don't need a "magic man."

Dr. Byron Orpheus!

Master metaphysician,

president and founder
of the Order of the Triad.

Yes.
Hello, Orpheus.

- I know you.
- Oh, do you?

Seven unaccepted friend requests
would suggest otherwise.

Never said I was your friend.

You are indeed, and despite
your cheeky nonchalance,

a friend in need.

Your boy, here, has apprised me
of your supernatural quandary.

Oh, damn!
They got a pool!

Sweet!
I packed my trunks.

Eh, you must forgive the boyish
exuberance of my compeers.

Since the fire which consumed
your former compound,

the Triad have been
temporarily headquartered

in the comparatively
modest lodgings

of the Rancho Feo Motor Hotel.

- That shithole out on I-25?
- The same.

You, however, have done quite
well for yourself, Mr. Venture.

Heated! It's heated!

But I fear your success
comes at a spiritual price.

Since the moment I arrived,
my extrasensory, um, senses

have been acutely aware
of an unseen presence.

Mr. Venture,
your home is possessed!

Boy, hacker movies

always make this seem
way more exciting.

Yeah, without
the dramatic close-ups

and, like,
a booming techno score,

real-life hacking
is just typing.

Throw me a bone, dude.
All right.

Just turn to be dramatically
and say, "We're in."

We're in.

Yes! Boom.

- Oh!
- Oh! What the...

Ooh.
How's that for exciting, huh?

Screw this!
I'm out of here.

Wait a minute.

Rusty said we had to stay here
until this is fixed.

Uh, you're the computer expert.
You stay.

This neurogeneticist
is going the hell home.

All right. Looks like it's just
you and me, little pink pally.

Time to find out what you know.

Oh, you got to
be kidding me.

Greetings.
We got off on the wrong foot.

Allow me
to introduce myself.

My name is Hank Venture.

I seek an audience with
the great and powerful Wide Wale

to bargain
for his daughter's hand.

As a token of my goodwill,

I present to you a gift...
this artisanal pizza.

Kid, you really don't know
how to take a hint,

so, uh, let me spell it out
for you, Hank Venture.

You so much as even look
at Sirena again,

you'll lose more
than your job, hotpants.

50,000 volts
straight to your braciole.

Zap. Nothing but taint
left down there.

My mistake.
D-Don't worry.

You won't be seeing
Hank Venture again.

Oh, I ain't worried, peaches.

Light of the ancients.

Light which is white.

Light of all knowing.

Reveal the unseen
in the shadows of night!

Great, does this make us all
Green Lanterns now?

The Spell of Revelation
compels the demonic presence

to become visible,
that we may do battle with it.

See, this is why I didn't
want Dean to call you,

this kind of crap right here.

Did you have to get paint
all over my nice marble?

The circle's
for your protection.

You don't want to do this
without a circle.

There was already
a huge circle here!

Wasn't magic.

Can we please focus, gentlemen?

The demon will try to use

your thoughts and desires
against you.

All of you, clear your minds.

Al, stop thinking
about that robot.

I can't help it.
He's nutsy.

Hey, O,
demon ain't gonna bring up

what happened to my mama,
is it?

Well, it will now.

Yo, demon, no mamas!

Okay.
Those are new.

You're making this worse now!

Easy, girl! Easy!

Uncle Kano's our guest.

You know Kano.
It's Kano.

Oh, goodness. I don't know
what's gotten into Mischa today.

Racist!
Racist dog right there.

Should have seen her haul off
on the Con Ed guy yesterday.

Oh, it's just
her eyesight's going.

- She's got the cataracts.
- Hot spots and the mange.

You should just
put her down already, Horace.

Put you down.

This old gal's still got
a lot of fight in her.

Don't you, girl? Don't you?
Oh! Thieving black terror!

Go on, then!
Have your prize!

Don't come crying to me
when you have the trots!

I'm home! Please tell me
you're all decent this time.

Eh, pull up a chair, laddie.
Wee bit of dim sum left.

Or you're welcome to fight
Mischa for the last rib.

Say, uh, where's your

pigmentally challenged
better half?

Ah, Rusty made him stay late
to fix the computer.

Thinks we have
a hacker or something.

The screen just
totally went nuts

and started blasting the theme
from "Sharky's Machine."

Oh, my.
What is it, Rodney?

Boys looks like
you've seen a ghost.

Oh, no. It's nothing
like that, Rose. It's just...

- Dude!
- She'll be fine in an hour.

Rodney, fetch us an Uber.

Now tell me, how long
has Rusty had the PROBLEM?

Shoo!

Hey, Al,
what are they saying?

Uh, "mask" something...
"gold mask"?

They... They want
their mask back.

Tell them they can have it.
It's right up there.

That is most definitely
not a tumbaga mask.

What is that?

Uh, I made it in art class.

Who told you
you could take art?

God, is that Scamp 1?

Aww!

Launched aboard the VenStar 1
lunar probe in 1966,

Scamp 1 was the first dog
to die on the moon.

Aw.

You locked all the doors!

Holy hat factory!

It's the victims of
the great Venture millinery fire

of 19-aught-7!

The deadly blaze
began in the attic

when a dumpster full of felt
straps was struck by a zeppelin.

Yes, yes, we're getting
off topic here, Sergeant.

Please disperse, spirits.

Please,
just move into the light!

Or don't.
I really don't care.

We're attempting
to speak to another.

Demon, show thyself!

♪ I still hang around ♪

I'll say this... Vincenzo makes
the best slice in the city.

Yeah,
almost makes up for him

scuffing my knuckles
with his face.

Rocco?

Daddy, what's going on?

Go back to your room,
tadpole.

Daddy will handle this.

Slippery little son of a bitch,
ain't you, Morpho?

I don't know
how you got past my boys,

but you're swimming
with the big fish now.

Show yourself!

Who the hell are you?

Allow me
to introduce-a myself.

Mi chiamo Matassa.
Enrico Matassa.

Never heard of you.
So, uh, what is this?

New guy in town
trying to make his rep

by taking out
the alpha whale?

More like an audition.

You see how easy Enrico Matassa
take out-a you best men.

Well, that is just a taste

of Enrico Matassa's
many-a talents.

Per favore,
Don Wide Wale,

Enrico Matassa wants
to come work for you.

Triad, gird thyselves.

The demon may try
to lash out.

Your robot is in the thrall
of the demon!

He is the Devil's concubine!

Probably a computer glitch.

Quickly, Jefferson!
The Prisebar of St. George!

Uh, I...
It's back in the Blood Vessel.

Your sword, then!
Make haste!

Rusty, wait! Don't!

What... What the hell is that?

Rusty, we can explain.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.

- That can't be! That isn't...
- Rusty.

That's your pop-pop.

Now, I want you to understand

what you're getting into,
youngblood.

Joining the crew, it's, uh,
like a sacred covenant, yeah?

You walk through this door,
ain't no turning back.

Uh, are you gonna baptize me?

Something like that.

Relax, Matassa.

You want in this family,

you got to do one thing
for me first.

Kill this asshole.

The brain is alive,

but it's in a semicomatose
state, but look at this.

Somehow it's hardwired
to all the building's systems.

It's like a synthetic
nervous system.

There's even a makeshift
digestive tract

providing nutrients
to his biologic... wow. Ew!

Excellent source of protein.
Zero net carbs.

You people did this?
What kind of sick...

Why did you stick my father's
head in the PROBLEM light?

It's pronounced "PRO-BLEM"...

Progressive Biological
Life Extension Module.

Ol' Jonas gave Team Venture

explicit orders to place
his body in the PROBLEM

in the event of his death.

Geez, I'm gonna have to redo
all the narration on this tour.

Well, why didn't
anyone ever tell me?!

Well, wasn't much of him left
for the PROBLEM to work with.

We never expected
the blasted light to come on.

And in 30 years,
it just never did.

- Yeah, it did. A couple...
- Uh, don't interrupt, boy.

- Rusty?
- Fuck!

What is that smell?

We didn't pack him
a toothbrush.

Dad?
C-Can you hear me?

Rust!
I traced the hack!

It's coming from inside
that thing!

Stand back!
I got to sever the hard line!

No, White!
Don't...

What's happening?!

Something's wrong!

Oh, dear.

He's trying to...

run away!

What?!