The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 6, Episode 8 - Red Means Stop - full transcript

Ohh!

What's...?
What's going on?

No! No!
Let me out of here!

Come on!
Let me out of here!

I'll fucking kill you!
You hear me?!

Come on!
Where are you?!

Hey, what do you want?

You want money?
I have money. Tell me!

You ... You alive?

- Hey. Hey! You alive?!
- Shut up. Geez.

What are you screaming about?



Dude! I'm chained to a urinal
with a stack of bodies!

Hey, did you take my pants?

Me?! Are you insane?!
I'm chained here, you idiot!

Oh, wh... hey, so am I.
What the ...

Pants! I want some pants!

- Let us out of here!
- Help!

- Help!
- I'm chained to a toilet

- with a lunatic in his underpants!
- Help! No!

- No! I'm not the lunatic!
- Help with pants!

- Hey, who was on the phone?
- My wife.

I've got some good news
and some bad news.

- All right, bad news.
- My marriage is falling apart,

and I've been masturbating
to hentai because I'm lonely

- and unable to connect with real people.
- Ohh, God.



Gross.
What's the good news?

Ah, the good news is that my wife and

the entire Guild
Council are in sequester.

So, Kano, my faithful
bodyguard and chauffeur,

- who is our next victim?
- Ohh. It's too much.

The Wandering Spider?

Uh, those darts
had neurotoxin in them.

I had a week of priapism, and
I still can't feel my toes.

Dude, we have
two more to go. Two!

And then we are the only people
arching Venture.

Red Death.
Red fucking Death.

He's next. Arches once a
year, leaves a body count...

...no way.

Red Death.
That's why you're so scared?

Pushover ... he's like 80.

Um, Professor Sterling Smart ...

vaporized along with a personal
army of like 50 super soldiers.

- Vaporized. Look it up.
- I will look it up.

- Poof. Gone. Look it up.
- I'll ... yeah, I'll get back to you.

- Look it up!
- Okay! Fine!

I'll deal with Red Death alone.

"Do you mind if I sit here?

My dogs are barking
in these new shoes."

"Lighter?
I use matches. I'm sorry."

"They're new and made of leather."

Wait, wh...
which one are you doing?

- I'm doing the smoking one.
- I sent you a new code in the e-mail!

Look, whatever.
Do you accept our offer?

- Can we rely on you?
- The offer's fair.

Off the record, the O.S.I.
will help you with your sting.

The rest is up to your decoy.

- You guarantee the Venture's safety?
- 100% guaranteed.

We've ascertained that the Blue
Morpho's next target is Red Death.

He's the most professional villain
still in the game.

Red Death.
The man is a legend.

Good to hear that old son of a buck
is still playing hardball.

"Do you mind if I sit here?

My dogs are barking in these new shoes."

Ah, give me a break, Limb.
Just sit down.

And, uh, nice hat.

Yeah, same thing.
I don't remember anything.

- I just woke up here.
- Well, there's got to be some reason.

Dude, can you reach that pipe?

This is starting to wiggle.

- Yeah, here.
- What the hell?

- Why is your chain way longer than mine?
- Who cares whose is longer?

- What is this? 8th grade gym class?
- No, it's just weird.

Okay, w-whatever.
Hold this for a second.

Ohh! Sorry! Sorry!

- Right on the knuckle!
- This is bad enough.

- Nicely done!
- And that makes it worse.

- I'm so sorry.
- Ah, it kills!

Here. Pull my finger.

- Seriously? A fart joke?
- No, you moron. It's dislocated.

- Just pull it.
- Oh, right, right. Um, I'm sorry.

Um. Uh...

Ahh.

Did ... Did you just do that?

- Which one is yours?
- Lila.

That little ragamuffin
in the rain boots.

She won't take those off, you know.

Not since I read her
"Paddington Bear."

Now it's all rain boots
and marmalade sandwiches

- for that one.
- She's, uh... adorable.

Yeah, she's got a lot of her old man.

- I can't help but see myself in her a little.
- She sure does.

Yeah, she really looks like
she does have that ...

- Are you babysitting?
- Huh, what?

Oh, you know, I... take care of
a lot of things ... many things.

You don't have a child, Mr. Monarch.
So I figured.

You ... You know who I am?

What ... you've heard
of the Mighty Monarch?

Oh, of course.
Big fan of your work.

That marionette thing
you made for Rusty Venture?

- Wonderful.
- Wow, I-I'm flattered.

I... Red Death knows my work.

- I mean, that's like ...
- That's my business.

But we're not at the office
right now, you see.

And that's the secret. You got to
separate your work from your life.

It's a slippery slope once you
start living as your character.

The obsession starts, the darkness ...

a man can do terrible things
when he's lost his way.

Terrible things.

Oh, stop! Hey!

Uh, no!
Stop right there!

Oh-ho, this is ...

I am completely not prepared
for this. Please, stop!

Why doesn't this lobby have
a self-destruct button?

- This is madness!
- How's it hanging, tough guy?

Gah! What is going on here?

Reel it in, Hatred.
This is a covert military action.

Lock this place up,
take the rest of the day off,

and, uh, watch where you
point that flashlight.

What the hell?!
I said we were having supper at 4:00!

- And it's 4:30!
- What is it, Thanksgiving or something?!

Who eats dinner at 4:00?!

Supper! Not dinner!
Supper! I said supper!

- Oh, sorry, honey.
- Supper!

I was late because
I was talking to... Red Death.

God, what the...?
How did that happen?!

Right? And he is the
sweetest man in the world

and terrifying.
You wouldn't believe it.

- He is so awesome.
- What are we gonna do?

I'm not gonna kill him.
No way.

No, we can't kill him.
I'll tell you that right now.

The man is a treasure.

If we do anything sinister,
he will murder us in our sleep.

But your mighty leader
has come up with a plan.

Hang on,
I've been in traffic all day.

I got to piss like Secretariat here.

No, Manolo hasn't finished
the downstairs bathroom yet.

- You got to use the upstairs one.
- Fine.

Here ...
turn around. Don't look.

What?! No!

- Don't piss in the sink.
- I think you mean,

"don't piss in the sink again."

"Again today," actually.

Small world, isn't it?

Me, a handsome billionaire
playboy super scientist,

you, sent here to help me.
Maybe not sent.

Maybe you're here
because you want to be.

Because you're drawn here... to me.

Um, we need the civilians out of here.

All right, let's get
this dog and pony show

on the damn road already.
Snoopy, give me chatter!

The bait, a.k.a. Red Death,
is in Long Island preparing.

- No movement.
- What? You're tracking agents of the Guild?

How dare you!
Like dogs sniffing a cannon barrel,

- you will regret your ...
- Whoa, whoa, nobody's tracking anybody!

He just called me, I swear!

Either that little light
show stops or your heart does.

Hamilton, put it back in your pants!

We're all here to take down
the Blue Morpho.

- How are the decoys going?
- Wow, it's like looking into a mirror.

Yeah, if the members of
Grand Funk Railroad were behind us.

Yeah, uh, these disguise kits
haven't been used since the '70s.

There's a whole bag
of false sideburns in there.

- What happened to your eye?
- We had them removed and replaced

- with a conduit to our display goggle.
- They never stop itching.

I'm gonna set you up right.

Now, I could dump you into a
blue speed suit and call it a day,

or we could do this right,
do this with panache.

Dean, go get your sweater vest.

- Classic model Hank and Dean!
- I'm on it!

- Uh, your red eye is blinking.
- It is? Oh, great!

That's an e-mail I can't
read till I put on my goggle.

- One, two, three, shoot!
- Once, twice, three, shoot!

- Rock. You lose. One, two, three, shoot!
- Once, twice, three, shoot!

- Rock. You lose again.
- Huh? Paper beats rock!

No, it doesn't.
Rock beats everything.

Why do you even play paper?
It's stupid.

You should play rock.
It's the best one.

All right, fine.
I'll guard the boys tonight.

But I am keeping this on.
I look great as you!

Come on, let's go.
I called my mom,

and she's making
veal piccata tonight.

It's good.
And I hate veal, usually.

- It's veal piccata! It's great!
- Can't wait.

Okay, I'm leaving now.
Don't steal anything.

If you start feeling... blue, I
might be able to sneak you out some.

I got your back. Wink.

You gotta stop that, Billy.

Don't eat that.
He's testing you.

What, are you kidding?!
I'm starving!

There's little hats on the
chicken legs and everything.

- I'm eating this!
- Don't.

It slides in here three times a day.
It's poisonous.

How do you know it comes
three times a day?

No, I meant...
I-I bet it comes three times a day.

It's just that that's, like, recommended
because of the food pyramid

- with, you know, grains.
- Wait! Come on! Enough!

Just ... how long
have you been here?!

Weeks. I can't tell.

Weeks?! And you haven't
eaten any of the food?

- What ... What have you been eating?
- Uh, them...?

But, like, they were fresh
and ... and mainly the butts.

Not the dirty part of the butts.

- That's, like gross.
- Help!

- Just the ... the meat.
- Somebody help me!

- The butt meat.
- He's a butt-eater!

Kate, can you
refrigerate my dinner in a ziploc?

I have an arching tonight.
It's a special one.

Sure, lamb chop. You want
the roll in there with it?

No, no.
It gets all mushy in the gravy.

Show time.

You want your brownie
in there, too, cuddles?

Brownies?
Yes! Thank you!

Celebrities making out
with bridge-and-tunnel nobodies.

Giant chicken dancing
with Richie Rich.

Type 0-negative one night,
50 cent the next.

Everyone is welcome.
Everyone gets along.

This is your coming-of-age ritual, boys.

Welcome to... the Limelight!

...market.

So... we're coming of age
in a mall?

What happened?!
That is sacrilege!

- Yeah! It used to be a church.
- No! Who cares?!

It used to be the best club
in the city.

Now it's a damn mall!
That's sacrilege.

Okay. Plan "B."
We're going to CBGB's.

Venture! This is your doom!

I come for your soul!

Die, Doctor Venture!

Aw, Brock gets to kick his ass tonight?

You know, how come
even when I am Brock,

I still wish I was Brock?

That is something I've been
living with my whole life.

Aw, the collar is so itchy.

It's ... It's, like, real wool,
and I am allergic to wool.

I'm allergic to you complaining.

Oh, dear.
Oh, is there a problem?

Sadly. We are agents of
the Guild of Calamitous Intent,

sent at the behest
of your husband, Red Death.

Um, he's been compromised, ma'am.

He insists that you take
Lila and go to your mother's.

Tell no one,
do not answer your cellphone,

even if it's from his number.

- This is for your own safety, ma'am.
- Ah, yes.

I-I understand. Yes.
Oh, thank you.

- Whoa! Smoking.
- An old man with a red face

that doesn't even have a nose on
it, and he's married to a model!

- He's my hero.
- Oh, we are gonna get vaporized.

- Hey, Rusty, pull my finger!
- Okay, Uncle Action!

I said my finger, Rusty!

You pulled the pin
out of this grenade!

- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
- Oh, no! Cover your head, little guy!

Scamp Three! No!

That stupid "boom" flag
went right through my kidney.

My dad removed it that night
with a local anesthetic.

I'm awake the whole time.
I'm 8 years old.

Oh, that's just terrible!

Well, how did I know
you'd dive on a grenade?

Because he has Venture hero blood!

'Cause I couldn't take
losing another scamp.

Here's something.

- Rodney killed a baby once.
- Wouldn't surprise me.

Oh, now, Horace!
You stop that!

- Rodney never killed a baby.
- He did. He's a baby killer.

Killed a sweet little baby.

It was a werewolf!
A werewolf!

- It looked like a rabid animal.
- Yeah, that's what he says.

But what I saw
was a wee little baby,

just laying there with
a silver bullet in his brain.

- Wee little baby.
- Werewolf!

I saved your damn life!

Oh, thank you, Rodney.

Thank you so much for saving
me from an attacking baby.

Werewolf!
It was a small ...

I thought it was
a damn ocelot, okay?

- "Ocelot!"
- Okay, baby killer.

In position.

Check. In position.

- In position.
- In position.

Jinx, owe me a coke!

All right.
Mine are in position, too.

Let's give the Blue Morpho
a party to crash.

We have villain sign!

Okay, hunter.
Time to rock and roll.

That felt cool when I said that.

Doctor Venture!
Face your doom!

Oh, my goodness!
Red Death!

I'm frightened
because I'm Dr. Venture!

Help me, Brock!

Beep, beep-boo-boo-boo-beep,
beep, beep!

Go Team Venture!

- He's using live rounds!
- Cool! We should do this more!

- Now that looks really fun.
- I love swimming at night.

No, really.
I think I've met you before.

Wh-What's your job?

What is yours?
Professional nosey guy?

You need to mind
your own beeswax.

Do you mind beeswax for a living?
Get out of my wax.

N-No.
I-I swear I've met you before.

It's totally impossible.
I'm a loner.

Yeah, okay, sorry.
I'm just under a lot of stress.

Hey, could you warm this up?
It got cold.

Sure.

I knew it!
Maestro Wave!

I fucking knew it!
You're a super villain!

Okay, I'm a super villain.
Big whoop.

So am I!
I'm the Termite!

You know, with the ...
the helmet?

- I-I'm the ... I'm the Termite!
- The Termite?

Wait, with those gross mouth
grabby things on the helmet?

Yes! Maxilla palps!
Those are my maxilla palps!

Dude!
Eat our way out of here!

You can tunnel out!
Eat me out!

No, wait. No. I ...
you know what I mean.

Just ... tunnel!

I need the helmet.
That's how I ...

I'm not really a Termite, dude.

I, uh, approximate a
Termite's powers with a helmet.

I felt like I could've been
more in the moment,

- more present, you know?
- Let the neckerchief be your inspiration.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourselves.

Do you know if we're gonna do a reset?

- Oh, gee. I tripped. Oops.
- Whoa, ow!

Oh, sorry. That's mine.

Hello. Red Death.

Your child and your
wife have been kidnapped.

Sign away your arching
rights to Dr. Venture

and they will be returned
safely in the morning.

- If you don't ...
- I don't know who you are,

but you have made
a very large mistake.

I have a very particular
set of skills ...

skills I have acquired
over a very long career,

skills that make me a nightmare
for people like you.

Release my family, and that
will be the end of this.

But if you don't, I will look for you,

I will find you, and I will kill you.

Uh, okay, um... sorry?

- Ah, that was so scary!
- Ah!

- That was so scary!
- Oh, God! Oh, my God!

- That was so scary! Scary!
- That was so fucking terrifying.

- We have to let them go!
- We don't have them! We can't let them go!

He's gonna go all Liam Neeson!
He's gonna vaporize us!

Your father always collected
friends ... presidents, movie stars.

The man slept with Grace Kelly!
He even owned a boxer.

So, the Blue Morpho was one of those.

Well, there's no way
this new Blue Morpho

is the old Blue Morpho.
It's probably somebody like him ...

someone with something to prove,
maybe even someone we know.

- Right, Rust?
- Well, original Blue Morpho is dead.

I remember Jonas
was beside himself with grief.

Kano, too, obviously.
He even cried.

Kano? My dad's big, mute,
Asian bodyguard Kano?

That guy had no emotions at all.

- Why did he care?
- Oh, my God, Rusty!

How do you not know that
they are the same Kano?

It's in the Jonas Venture comics.

Kano joined Team Venture
when Blue Morpho was possessed

by an alien virus that made him evil.

I wouldn't believe everything
you read in those comics, Billy.

Except where it says I kicked
ass, 'cause I kicked ass!

Well, I'm gonna join the old people
and your boyfriend and get to bed.

Don't be such a stranger, Rust.
You're family.

Well, heading home as well.

I'm sure the Blue Morpho sting
was a wash out.

Of course it was.

Because the Blue Morpho
never showed up, did he? Wink!

Whatever. Say good night to
your "boyfriend" for me. Wink!

- We can work this out!
- There is no other way.

- There's so many other ways!
- This is what he wants.

- It's his plan for me.
- We could set a trap!

- I'm so sorry.
- You don't have to do what he says!

- You have to die. It's his plan.
- You have free will!

He needs me to feed on your butt.

- Oh, please don't!
- I'm sorry.

Oh, God! No!

I know you're there, Blue Morpho!

Return my family or die!

No, no, no!
We can explain!

- Don't vaporize us!
- Your family is at your mother in-law's!

I swear! Call there!
I swear we didn't touch them!

You'd better be telling me the truth,
because I swear to ...

Carol?
Hi, hi. Is Kate there?

Yes, I'm fine.

Uh, th-there's a bag
in the trunk of the car,

but can you get Kate, please?
Lila needs her corn chips.

Kate, Kate, are you ...

Well, I-I told her
that there's some in ...

Sweetie, they don't go stale
overnight.

Okay, look, I'll ...
I'll come pick you up soon.

Yes, yes, I'll get more on the way.
Love you, too.

See? Everything is fine.

So, why doesn't the Monarch
tell me everything...

from the beginning.

Well, look who's still here!

Waiting for the good doctor, I assume?

Nope. I don't have time
for your garbage tonight.

I just got stood up,

and I am so tired of him
making a fool out of me.

I am going to go look
for the Blue Morpho.

I will find him,
and I will kill him myself.

And that was supposed to be
really dramatic,

and I just blew it.
What button do I push here?

Is it the star, the "L," the one?

Service!

And a return volley!

Me, me! Throw it to me!
Spike it!

- Yes!
- Nice!

- Guess who's peeing?
- Well, what is this?!

Good guys against the bad guys!
We're winning!

- Why are you on the bad guy's side?
- 'Cause Phantom Limb left in a huff.

But mostly 'cause we're winning.

Fuck it.
Who wants a doc-tail?

The master mixologist in the house!
Hold on tight!

Yeah, that's what I should've done.

But, I stayed.
Call it loyalty. Call it dumb.

And she walked all over me.

Women.
You don't deserve that.

Nobody understands me like you.

It's who I am,
without this hate, I'm nothing.

I'm not like you.
I can't just turn this off.

I'm the man who hates
Dr. Venture, period.

We're all villains, Monarch,

and with rules, we get to
spill blood and taste victory.

Heck, I really wanted to kill
someone tonight, you know?

But... rules.
They help us hate.

Yeah, I tried to tell him that.

Oh, shut up.
This was your idea.

I was young once too, Monarch.

I hated Professor Cadmium so bad.
It was all I thought about.

But, you know, I found a way
to deal with my obsession.

What did you do?
I'll try anything at this point.

I took a deep breath,
I marched right up to him,

looked him right in the eye

then crushed
his skull with my bare hands!

Before I burned his house
to the ground,

I slaughtered his entire family.

And you're the first to know that.

Finish your task, Blue Morpho,
then change your ways.

You are so ...

If I were a woman,
I would never stop calling you.

Dude, I don't get how
you can kill like that, though.

Like, don't you ever feel sad?

Me? You've killed a list of
villains from what I've heard.

Well, not quite. Um...
I got to show you guys something.

For you, my masters!

I am all villains now!

- What is your bidding?
- What happened in here?!

- You guys weren't supposed to kill each other!
- Oh, that's a real ...

You know, if you don't mind,

I could solve your problem
and feed my... problem, as well.

- I'll only need a few minutes.
- Yeah, sure. Just clean up the bodies

with your vaporizing trick
when you're done or something.

Ow! I didn't know!

Why didn't you tell me we
had a bathroom down here?

When we meet again,
it will be as enemies, won't it?

No. Never!
You're my friend.

You're my ... my best friend.

Don't, man.
It's ... it's too hard.

How will I know you if we
meet again? I must know.

Because you'll see this ...
the woman who loves you.

Yes, I am a woman.
And how will I recognize you?

Because I had the top
of my skull removed,

and I have this plastic dome
with tubes coming out of it.