The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - A Party for Tarzan - full transcript
In a case of mistaken identity, the Guild targets Dr. Venture for assassination, pooping his party for a fancy new friend.
There he is,
soaked in our brother's blood,
literally redhanded.
Take the shot, Councilwoman.
What the...?
I know! Crazy!
How did this even happen?!
Well, it all started
when I was in 8th grade.
You know the 8th-grade
Washington, D.C. trip?
Well, ours, we had to present a flag
to Senator
Ben Nighthorse Campbell ...
awesome name ... and I was
the kid they chose to do it.
Now, because I was a huge kid
and because Henchmen don't
do that much research,
I got kidnapped, instead of
Senator Nighthorse Campbell.
You just have to sign this
and, then, we'll let you go.
It's a harmless little law
I'd like you to instate.
It simply makes the
surname Venture illegal!
Nyah!
Isn't that awesome?!
Like he wasn't gonna
ransom the senator, or anything.
He just wanted to make
Dr. Venture's name illegal.
It sounds idiotic, right?
But just think about it:
Every time Dr. Venture orders pizza
or like tries to cash
a check, or anything,
Boom! they arrest his ass.
- Classic Monarch!
- Ahhh!
I'm telling you, sir...
you have the wrong person.
Who the hell is Gary Fischer?!
Me! I-I'm Gary Fischer!
You morons kidnapped the wrong guy!
But he had the flag
and he looked way more
senatorial than the other
guy 'cause he... flag.
Sir, as team leader,
I accept the full resp...
Get rid of this idiot.
Him, too.
They didn't kill me, obviously.
They recruited me.
I became a Henchman for the
Mighty Monarch on that day
and never looked back.
I never finished 8th grade, either.
I got my GED later, though.
You know, in case
henching didn't pan out,
it is good to have a fallback.
How does he do it?!
Every time I think I've got
him in my grip, he slithers out!
You mark my words, you little worm.
I will get you,
Dr. Heinie!
See? Not cool.
- Am I the only one seeing this?
- Well, I'm not gonna pretend
that it's worthy of the
spin, but it's just temporary.
Plus, Dr. Heinie is kinda famous.
His laser-hemorrhoid-removal
posters are all over the subway.
It'll totally make the
papers when you thwart him.
- It's a good thwart.
- Wasted thwart.
Oh, honey, when you thwart him,
you'll be a level-5 candidate and
you'll be thwarting Venture in no time.
Fine!
I'll thwart Dr. Heinie.
- Good. Be careful.
- Oh, of course.
After all, the guy
has hemorrhoid lasers.
- Oh, no!
- Sweetie, there's a vigilante
out there, killing supervillains.
Granted, he's only killing level 10s,
but I still want you to be careful.
- The Blue Morpho?
- The Blue Morpho.
I'm not afraid of the Blue Morpho.
The Blue Morpho problem was seriously
the last thing the Guild saw comin'.
Everything was going great:
new headquarters,
new Council of 13,
recruitment was on the rise,
and then, the Blue Morpho comes back.
The Council assembled a
taskforce to deal with it.
We called it the Five Point Five.
The Point Five were watch and ward, who,
not being actual Council members,
had to sit at a kiddie table.
I-I voted against it.
You know, we have
access to whatever files
survived the destruction
of the old Guild.
Useless. The Guild
never kept records on BM.
For obvious reasons,
could you not abbreviate his name!
Seconded! It sounds
as if we're discussing
- a walking, talking poopy!
- Ugh. Blue Morpho was a vigilante.
He never applied for
Guild arching rights.
He was a menace and the
Guild put a price on his head.
In 1976, that bounty was claimed.
Maybe it's a revenge thing?
Who claimed the bounty?
Sadly, our predecessor,
the late, great Sovereign,
destroyed that information.
It doesn't matter!
Me, Red Mantle, Dragoon,
all the oldtimers,
remember the Blue Morpho.
Yes, yes!
He wore mostly blue!
Like a resplendent blue tomato!
- Were there such a thing, of course.
- Yes, we get it, old friend.
What you do not realize
is that the Blue Morpho
was the junkyard dog of Team Venture.
- Oh, was he?
- Indeed.
If there was a dirty job
that the squeaky-clean
Jonas Venture needed done,
he sent the Blue Morpho.
I remember, in 1973,
Keppel Harbor, Singapore.
I had just spent the night with
tennis great Billie Jean King,
performing my own battle of the sexes.
Mmm, perfect.
40-love.
There is nothing a man
hopped up on ginkgo biloba
and paradise white cannot
do beneath the sheets.
Do you know why I'm here?
Because I seduced you with
my perfect animal charm
and my slim, hairless asian body
appears vaguely feminine
in this light?
No.
I was sent here.
By Jonas Venture.
Now, why don't you hand
over the Jade Dragon
before I spray your
brains all over that wall.
I complied, of course.
It was all kinds of scary.
But here is the part that has
been troubling me for 40 years:
I performed every known
sexual act that night!
I mean, everything!
I don't know if he
did a ... a switcheroo
or he just had a superduper
costume, but I made tender,
yet purely accidental,
love to the Blue Morpho.
So when I tell you that
he would've done anything
for Jonas Venture,
you can bet your sweet bippy
that I. Mean. Anything.
Dr. Z, have you no
sense of decency, sir?
What? It was the 1970s!
So I ask you to chill
and cut me some slack.
My point is that, if you want to find
this new Blue Morpho, you
must start with one man:
The son and heir of Jonas Venture!
This has to go like clockwork.
This family has been shot
at, shot down, and shot from,
more times than any
other family in history.
- We are Ventures!
- This is like a dream I once had ...
- Not you guys, obviously.
- Yeah, obviously.
Brock, Hatred,
I'm gonna want full-security
vigilance from you two.
The second he arrives,
I want him to feel like he's
as safe as a kitten.
- Can do!
- What should we do?
You two have only one job:
Do not embarrass me. That's it.
This is the most important
night of your father's life.
All right, let me just
back this up a tink.
Last week, I went to a swankass party
to make some connections.
Nothing but a bunch numbskulls
who never accomplished
anything themselves,
yet, they look down on
someone who stood on the Moon.
The Moon!
I was 7 years old.
- Let's do this.
- Business cards and cell numbers.
Exactly. No "I'll call
you when blah blah blah"
and, if they ask you
why you're there, say,
"why, dear, dear Gloria invited us."
- Are we sure there's a Gloria here?
- There's always a Gloria.
Always a Gloria!
I don't care who you are, I promise you:
your life is better than
these wealthy morons.
All they do is complain.
They're like a dog tied up in
the backyard with nothing to do:
they end up gnawing off their hair
and getting obsessed with a frisbee.
Ah, we struck out.
How'd it go with you?
- They won't even talk to me.
- That's because you're not him.
- Who's "him"?
- Him is Christopher Lam-burt.
The Highlander, Christopher Lambert?
Exactly. Wouldn't even look at us.
You get him, we have all of
these chumps in our pocket.
Christopher motherfucking Lambert.
The Lord of the Apes, Lord Rayden,
and once Lord of Diane Lane!
The guy had sex with Diane Lane!
Multiple times!
There he was, sitting on
a couch, eating pâté.
In real life, he looks
a lot like Ted Danson,
but with a kind of magic
that only a Lambert has ...
Chris has.
His friends call him Chris.
- Ready, Kano?
- Ready, Blue Morpho!
Engage costume pods.
Where's my Morpho suit?!
You're wearing the old
black and gold tonight,
so I brought the Morpho
suit in to be fixed.
It had 1970s kevlar
flaking off the lining.
Dude! That's ...
You can't bring that
- to a fucking dry cleaners.
- Oh, my god, chill.
There is this place
right in Little Italy.
They specialize in antagonist
and protagonist costumes.
It's like a Swiss Bank.
We're cool.
Enh. I can't say I missed this crown.
Stupid thing is always falling off.
Aggh! I wish I could
go with you tonight!
Dude, I have to be kickin'
that hemorrhoid guy's ass
when your Morpho kill goes down.
That's the whole point!
Up goes our EMA arching level;
- down goes our suspicion level. Duh.
- Yeah, I know.
But the next guy on our
list is the Wandering Spider.
Oh, please, the guy's
a has-been and a lush.
He killed Mr. Energy!
Mr. Energy electrocuted himself,
watering his lawn.
Wandering Spider just altered his report
to live off his arching insurance.
Sovereign-era Guild shenanigans.
Nothing to be scared of.
Just fly his ass to the Pine Barrens,
execute him during the
eclipse, and bury him!
Why can't I thwart Dr. Heinie?!
Right at the eclipse!
You big baby.
Enzo, it's your favorite client.
Eh, Dr. The Rusty.
You look like a million dollars.
And this fine boy is yours, no?
- Uh, that's Dean.
- Dean! Such a manly name, huh?
Want I to make him a perfect speedsuit
to show off his manly curves?
We're not here for Dean.
I have to ask you if
you've ever made anyone
- the Patriarch.
- The Patriarch?
Where did you ever hear Enzo do this?
Enzo never give names
of his clients, never!
- He eat poison before he tell.
- Enzo, I've seen it!
It was the most beautiful speedsuit
I've ever laid my eyes on
and, goddamn it, I want one.
Make me the Patriarch.
No-o-o!
Not the Patriarch.
She is a bitch.
Each gold thread twisted by hand,
each bead shaped from tiny pearls.
She's lined with calf and silk!
No! Why you want the Patriarch?
Because I'm throwing a
little lunar eclipse party
- and I've invited Christopher Lam...
- You shut that!
Okay. This man you speak of.
Maybe I know his tastes.
Maybe I just guess.
But, he is a classic.
Enzo make you a tuxedo, eh?
- A tuxedo in midnight blue.
- Blue tuxedo?
Height of fashion.
Who make the blue tuxedo famous?
Duke of Windsor! Most stylish
man ever in history of world.
Maybe Enzo make his tuxedo, even?
Enzo never tell.
Ha! I get you samples.
You wait.
So, uh, how long will it
take to make this thing?
For you, favorite client?
Two, perhaps three, weeks.
No more.
Okay. Um, hey, I gotta run,
but, I'll be back soon.
Just ... okay, back soon.
I'm leaving now!
Gonna go arching!
I'm so proud of you, sweetie.
Are you taking #21 with you?
Yeah, he's already at the bus station.
Ahh, the Monarch!
So good to see you in your colors.
I have a rather pressing matter
- for your wife, so may I...?
- Kitchen.
All right.
Ah.
Hey, can I get a hand here?
Damn cast. I can't ...
You know, I broke my
arm, so, if you could just
give me a hand and we can
just get that in there.
Yeah, that's not going to work.
All right, if you just get in
and I'll just kind of tip it.
You know, tip it and you can pull it.
- Dios mío.
- Get a scooch in there.
- Okay, just edge it in.
- You're like, what, like ...
like a Wandering Spider, or something?
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm Blue Morpho.
So what's all this crap about levels?
Level 10, level 4, level whatever.
It's not that confusing.
EMA level means equally
matched aggression level.
It all started with ... that's right ...
the original Dr. Venture.
See, 50 years ago, there
was this freshman villain
called Turnbuckle.
No fancy car, no
weapons, no clue, right?
He shows up at the Venture
compound and snatches Rusty
from his playpen, or
whatever, and demands a fight.
Step away from the boy.
Caution.
You face Tu-r-rnbuckle.
My punch is devastating.
Step the fuck away from the boy!
The guy puts up his
dukes like a total douche.
So the Action Man, because
he's a full-on psycho,
pistol-whips him into the
ground like a tent pole.
And then, this Turnbuckle,
he looks up and says...
Kiss my ass.
Click. Takes one right in the brain.
Not equal.
So they came up with this system.
You have huge balls, a deadly
partner, armed headquarters,
a huge Henchman army, and a flying car,
you're like a level 9 or 10.
If you just have a
sidekick and enough change
to ride the New Jersey path train,
you're a 4.
Guess who's a 4.
Come, now.
What more do you need?
Wide Wale's surveillance
tapes clearly show
that Dr. Venture was
dressed as Blue Morpho.
Illegally obtained surveillance
footage isn't enough to move on.
And what of this grapple gun we salvaged
from the wreck of the Doom Factory?
Look, here are the mechanics.
That is the Venture Industries logo.
He all but left his
business card to taunt us.
Okay, listen, we'll
assemble the Five Point Five
and we're gonna deal
with this by the ...
- Open your eyes, woman!
- Book.
Not another one of us will die!
This list, it's not just
random level-10 villains.
This is a list of Dr. Venture's
arching rights.
He has been killing his
way through this list.
Well, why?
He wouldn't do that.
I've watched him stand on a chair
because he saw a cockroach!
Money, power, greed!
They change people.
We must stop this tonight!
Not as Guild members, but
as brethren. As villains!
- Who's next on the list?
- The Wandering Spider.
Well, we should call him right away.
- Maybe he ...
- Don't bother. We have, and he is missing.
Come with me. We have
only moments to spare!
I don't wanna kill anyone.
Yeah, I know, I'm a Henchman.
That's what we do: kill.
You know, back in the Monarch crew,
we called it "getting your wings".
I was 16 when I got my wings.
So, we're arching this guy
called Professor Vibrations.
Hippie creampuff, fought all his battles
with robots and some vibrogun thing.
So lame, but he was still nuts.
So I'm looking for a
place to hide my fat ass,
'cause I'm 16 and I'm terrified
and who do I all but knock over?
Professor Vibrations.
He had me dead to rights.
Could've vibrated my head off.
And then, he suddenly died.
Like of happiness, or something.
No, that happens!
Remember that videogame "Berserk"?
In like 1981, this kid
named Jeff Dailey died
right after he got a high score.
"Got the humanoid!"
Clunk, dead.
Then, like a year later,
another kid dies, the same way.
Of happiness!
Margaret, would you please
send in the next patient?
- M-Margaret?
- I guess that would be me.
I have a huge pain in my ass, doctor.
Ah, these fucking old-time villains.
The second things get hairy, they
scrap protocol and do it their way.
But something inside me wanted this.
All the diehards, the kooks,
the real villains, the crazies,
the blood-starved animals,
they're all assembled at Wide Wale's.
They're starin' down a gun barrel,
Just waitin' for Dr. Venture to mess up.
I'm ashamed to say it, but,
I hope he does.
Hey, look, free water!
What are you doing?
I meant like create mood lighting
and conversation corners.
This looks like a baby
shower for a teen mom.
I tried to stop him, but
then, I appreciated the irony.
What are these?
- They're the eclipse viewers you wanted.
- They're novelty glasses!
You look at an eclipse through these
and your eyes will
melt out of your head.
- They don't even have lenses!
- Doc, this is a lunar eclipse.
- You don't have to wear anything to ...
- Shh! We get paid for those.
Oh, yeah!
They're all sprayed with eclipsium.
They stop radiation
and magic space stuff.
Oh, good. Safety first.
- And the hats?
- Also coated with eclipsium.
Hmm.
You might want to give 'em
another couple coats.
Me and Chris ...
Lambert, of course...
have sensitive heads.
Oh, my God, you're heavy!
You wearing a flak vest, or something?
Whoa!
Ah! What the hell?!
Dude...
a-are you awake?
Hey! You awake?
Ow. All right, I just
did that to myself.
Just my luck.
Aw, crap, it's fallin' asleep.
Ah! Heh...
I guess he's going to
be fashionably late.
Or fashionably somewhere better.
Oh, my God.
Did you invite anybody else?
Like your mom, or maybe that fox
from the Carfax commercial?
- The Carfax Fox.
- He's already drunk.
I just figured Chris would invite
all his fancy friends.
What can I get ya, slim?
Why don'tcha pour out your heart,
as I pour out a stiff one.
Hank's the name and this
here's me waterin' hole.
Stop, Hank.
Fine.
How about a Ruddy Bottom.
Yeah, unless the name of the drink
includes the ingredients,
I can't help ya.
Perhaps a gin and tonic
that's made of gin and tonic?
You know what?
It's time you learned a doctail.
The Ruddy Bottom.
That's tall-glass grenadine with
tomato juice and a jigger of rum.
Sweet!
I'll have a Ruddy Bottom, too.
But, instead of
grenadine, I'll have rum.
And replace the tomato: also rum.
Yeah-eah-eah. All right.
This is how it's done.
This is how we did it back in the day,
when you didn't have to check
with mommy to protect what's yours.
This is so exciting!
Like when we were young and dumb
and everything was pointy and dangerous.
- What have we missed?
- Oh, you just missed jack squat.
This is crazy, you guys.
Let's just all relax
and think this over.
Ahh, we gotta do another one.
Crown was all messed
up in that last one.
And look more terrified, will ya?
Like I'm totally badass.
Oh, I am terrified!
Please, let me go.
Well, act it!
Look like you're laughing
in half the pictures.
Some people laugh when they're nervous.
What do you want from me?
I'm tied to a thing.
Well!
It's time for the eclipse.
I'm gonna go out and view.
Any takers?
- Ah, maybe later.
- I'ma na-nap for a bit.
Ah! Nice.
You got Ruddy Bottom all over me.
All right.
Oh, what?
Wh-What's going on?
Where are we?
Is ... Is that my phone?
Yeah. I want you to say
you've been kidnapped
by the Blue Morpho and that you're
- in a forest, about to be executed.
- Ah! Is that true?
A-Are you gonna execute me?
Dude, say exactly what I just said.
It's ... it's still ringing!
Wh-Why are you doing this?
Do you want money?
I can get you money.
This is Guild Councilwoman
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.
- Oh! It's going to voicemail.
- Well, leave a message!
Th-That won't really help me!
Will it?
- The eclipse has started.
- That's not all that's started.
It looks like that
Blue Morpho there likes
to dance in the moonlight after a kill.
Agh! Thanks, Billy.
I'm all sticky with grenadine.
Idiot.
Huh? Oh.
That really is beautiful.
A-A-And, sending it now.
It's a good one.
Hey, you want me to put
one on your homepage?
Please don't.
You don't have to do this.
Y-You don't have to do this.
You don't have to do ...
- Look for yourself, Councilwoman.
- Oh my God.
There he is, soaked
in our brother's blood,
literally redhanded.
I-I can't believe this.
This is not happening.
Take the shot, Councilwoman.
Do you want to be
remembered as the bureaucratic
coward that hesitated?
What, do gotta see, Dr. Venture
slit your husband's throat
before you end this madness?
Madam, I beg you,
shoot him or step aside!
He's a killer!
Sometimes you do something and you know,
that second, you'll regret
it for the rest of your life.
But you had to make that choice!
You saw no other way!
You're a tiny part of a big machine.
And you feel small,
like you don't matter,
but it's so beautiful,
you're okay with it.
Agh!
Well, that's it.
Dr. Venture's dead.
And nobody cared.
His friends, his family, his bodyguard,
even his stupid robot,
didn't care.
Oh, please! I'm kidding!
That was my jacket and it
has a bulletproof lining.
He's fine!
Idiot thought his pocket blew up.
And, because he stole it
from a place that makes
costumes for villains, he was
too ashamed to tell anyone.
The next day, he returned it to Enzo's.
He even had to pay for my tailoring.
My wife finally checked her phone
and found #21's message
and my awesome selfie
and they realized what they did.
Somehow, she still snuck
in an "I told you so."
Like she was innocent.
What, you're worried
about my poor Henchman?
It's his job! Please!
And me?
I'm in the clear. I look great!
This?
This is a happy ending.
♪ Ding ding, round 1
(ding ding, round 1) ♪
♪ Now the battle's begun ♪
♪ Ding ding, round 2
(ding ding, round 2) ♪
♪ Said I'm comin' for you ♪
♪ Ding ding, round 3 ♪
♪ I'm on the ropes, there go my hopes ♪
♪ Ding ding, round 4,
I'm on the floor ♪
♪ Questa è la vita
(c'est la vie!) ♪
By the damn book!
We got lucky tonight.
This better be a lesson to us.
Let's just try to forget
it and we're gonna m...
Did you see that?
Right over there.
Is that Christopher Lambert?
soaked in our brother's blood,
literally redhanded.
Take the shot, Councilwoman.
What the...?
I know! Crazy!
How did this even happen?!
Well, it all started
when I was in 8th grade.
You know the 8th-grade
Washington, D.C. trip?
Well, ours, we had to present a flag
to Senator
Ben Nighthorse Campbell ...
awesome name ... and I was
the kid they chose to do it.
Now, because I was a huge kid
and because Henchmen don't
do that much research,
I got kidnapped, instead of
Senator Nighthorse Campbell.
You just have to sign this
and, then, we'll let you go.
It's a harmless little law
I'd like you to instate.
It simply makes the
surname Venture illegal!
Nyah!
Isn't that awesome?!
Like he wasn't gonna
ransom the senator, or anything.
He just wanted to make
Dr. Venture's name illegal.
It sounds idiotic, right?
But just think about it:
Every time Dr. Venture orders pizza
or like tries to cash
a check, or anything,
Boom! they arrest his ass.
- Classic Monarch!
- Ahhh!
I'm telling you, sir...
you have the wrong person.
Who the hell is Gary Fischer?!
Me! I-I'm Gary Fischer!
You morons kidnapped the wrong guy!
But he had the flag
and he looked way more
senatorial than the other
guy 'cause he... flag.
Sir, as team leader,
I accept the full resp...
Get rid of this idiot.
Him, too.
They didn't kill me, obviously.
They recruited me.
I became a Henchman for the
Mighty Monarch on that day
and never looked back.
I never finished 8th grade, either.
I got my GED later, though.
You know, in case
henching didn't pan out,
it is good to have a fallback.
How does he do it?!
Every time I think I've got
him in my grip, he slithers out!
You mark my words, you little worm.
I will get you,
Dr. Heinie!
See? Not cool.
- Am I the only one seeing this?
- Well, I'm not gonna pretend
that it's worthy of the
spin, but it's just temporary.
Plus, Dr. Heinie is kinda famous.
His laser-hemorrhoid-removal
posters are all over the subway.
It'll totally make the
papers when you thwart him.
- It's a good thwart.
- Wasted thwart.
Oh, honey, when you thwart him,
you'll be a level-5 candidate and
you'll be thwarting Venture in no time.
Fine!
I'll thwart Dr. Heinie.
- Good. Be careful.
- Oh, of course.
After all, the guy
has hemorrhoid lasers.
- Oh, no!
- Sweetie, there's a vigilante
out there, killing supervillains.
Granted, he's only killing level 10s,
but I still want you to be careful.
- The Blue Morpho?
- The Blue Morpho.
I'm not afraid of the Blue Morpho.
The Blue Morpho problem was seriously
the last thing the Guild saw comin'.
Everything was going great:
new headquarters,
new Council of 13,
recruitment was on the rise,
and then, the Blue Morpho comes back.
The Council assembled a
taskforce to deal with it.
We called it the Five Point Five.
The Point Five were watch and ward, who,
not being actual Council members,
had to sit at a kiddie table.
I-I voted against it.
You know, we have
access to whatever files
survived the destruction
of the old Guild.
Useless. The Guild
never kept records on BM.
For obvious reasons,
could you not abbreviate his name!
Seconded! It sounds
as if we're discussing
- a walking, talking poopy!
- Ugh. Blue Morpho was a vigilante.
He never applied for
Guild arching rights.
He was a menace and the
Guild put a price on his head.
In 1976, that bounty was claimed.
Maybe it's a revenge thing?
Who claimed the bounty?
Sadly, our predecessor,
the late, great Sovereign,
destroyed that information.
It doesn't matter!
Me, Red Mantle, Dragoon,
all the oldtimers,
remember the Blue Morpho.
Yes, yes!
He wore mostly blue!
Like a resplendent blue tomato!
- Were there such a thing, of course.
- Yes, we get it, old friend.
What you do not realize
is that the Blue Morpho
was the junkyard dog of Team Venture.
- Oh, was he?
- Indeed.
If there was a dirty job
that the squeaky-clean
Jonas Venture needed done,
he sent the Blue Morpho.
I remember, in 1973,
Keppel Harbor, Singapore.
I had just spent the night with
tennis great Billie Jean King,
performing my own battle of the sexes.
Mmm, perfect.
40-love.
There is nothing a man
hopped up on ginkgo biloba
and paradise white cannot
do beneath the sheets.
Do you know why I'm here?
Because I seduced you with
my perfect animal charm
and my slim, hairless asian body
appears vaguely feminine
in this light?
No.
I was sent here.
By Jonas Venture.
Now, why don't you hand
over the Jade Dragon
before I spray your
brains all over that wall.
I complied, of course.
It was all kinds of scary.
But here is the part that has
been troubling me for 40 years:
I performed every known
sexual act that night!
I mean, everything!
I don't know if he
did a ... a switcheroo
or he just had a superduper
costume, but I made tender,
yet purely accidental,
love to the Blue Morpho.
So when I tell you that
he would've done anything
for Jonas Venture,
you can bet your sweet bippy
that I. Mean. Anything.
Dr. Z, have you no
sense of decency, sir?
What? It was the 1970s!
So I ask you to chill
and cut me some slack.
My point is that, if you want to find
this new Blue Morpho, you
must start with one man:
The son and heir of Jonas Venture!
This has to go like clockwork.
This family has been shot
at, shot down, and shot from,
more times than any
other family in history.
- We are Ventures!
- This is like a dream I once had ...
- Not you guys, obviously.
- Yeah, obviously.
Brock, Hatred,
I'm gonna want full-security
vigilance from you two.
The second he arrives,
I want him to feel like he's
as safe as a kitten.
- Can do!
- What should we do?
You two have only one job:
Do not embarrass me. That's it.
This is the most important
night of your father's life.
All right, let me just
back this up a tink.
Last week, I went to a swankass party
to make some connections.
Nothing but a bunch numbskulls
who never accomplished
anything themselves,
yet, they look down on
someone who stood on the Moon.
The Moon!
I was 7 years old.
- Let's do this.
- Business cards and cell numbers.
Exactly. No "I'll call
you when blah blah blah"
and, if they ask you
why you're there, say,
"why, dear, dear Gloria invited us."
- Are we sure there's a Gloria here?
- There's always a Gloria.
Always a Gloria!
I don't care who you are, I promise you:
your life is better than
these wealthy morons.
All they do is complain.
They're like a dog tied up in
the backyard with nothing to do:
they end up gnawing off their hair
and getting obsessed with a frisbee.
Ah, we struck out.
How'd it go with you?
- They won't even talk to me.
- That's because you're not him.
- Who's "him"?
- Him is Christopher Lam-burt.
The Highlander, Christopher Lambert?
Exactly. Wouldn't even look at us.
You get him, we have all of
these chumps in our pocket.
Christopher motherfucking Lambert.
The Lord of the Apes, Lord Rayden,
and once Lord of Diane Lane!
The guy had sex with Diane Lane!
Multiple times!
There he was, sitting on
a couch, eating pâté.
In real life, he looks
a lot like Ted Danson,
but with a kind of magic
that only a Lambert has ...
Chris has.
His friends call him Chris.
- Ready, Kano?
- Ready, Blue Morpho!
Engage costume pods.
Where's my Morpho suit?!
You're wearing the old
black and gold tonight,
so I brought the Morpho
suit in to be fixed.
It had 1970s kevlar
flaking off the lining.
Dude! That's ...
You can't bring that
- to a fucking dry cleaners.
- Oh, my god, chill.
There is this place
right in Little Italy.
They specialize in antagonist
and protagonist costumes.
It's like a Swiss Bank.
We're cool.
Enh. I can't say I missed this crown.
Stupid thing is always falling off.
Aggh! I wish I could
go with you tonight!
Dude, I have to be kickin'
that hemorrhoid guy's ass
when your Morpho kill goes down.
That's the whole point!
Up goes our EMA arching level;
- down goes our suspicion level. Duh.
- Yeah, I know.
But the next guy on our
list is the Wandering Spider.
Oh, please, the guy's
a has-been and a lush.
He killed Mr. Energy!
Mr. Energy electrocuted himself,
watering his lawn.
Wandering Spider just altered his report
to live off his arching insurance.
Sovereign-era Guild shenanigans.
Nothing to be scared of.
Just fly his ass to the Pine Barrens,
execute him during the
eclipse, and bury him!
Why can't I thwart Dr. Heinie?!
Right at the eclipse!
You big baby.
Enzo, it's your favorite client.
Eh, Dr. The Rusty.
You look like a million dollars.
And this fine boy is yours, no?
- Uh, that's Dean.
- Dean! Such a manly name, huh?
Want I to make him a perfect speedsuit
to show off his manly curves?
We're not here for Dean.
I have to ask you if
you've ever made anyone
- the Patriarch.
- The Patriarch?
Where did you ever hear Enzo do this?
Enzo never give names
of his clients, never!
- He eat poison before he tell.
- Enzo, I've seen it!
It was the most beautiful speedsuit
I've ever laid my eyes on
and, goddamn it, I want one.
Make me the Patriarch.
No-o-o!
Not the Patriarch.
She is a bitch.
Each gold thread twisted by hand,
each bead shaped from tiny pearls.
She's lined with calf and silk!
No! Why you want the Patriarch?
Because I'm throwing a
little lunar eclipse party
- and I've invited Christopher Lam...
- You shut that!
Okay. This man you speak of.
Maybe I know his tastes.
Maybe I just guess.
But, he is a classic.
Enzo make you a tuxedo, eh?
- A tuxedo in midnight blue.
- Blue tuxedo?
Height of fashion.
Who make the blue tuxedo famous?
Duke of Windsor! Most stylish
man ever in history of world.
Maybe Enzo make his tuxedo, even?
Enzo never tell.
Ha! I get you samples.
You wait.
So, uh, how long will it
take to make this thing?
For you, favorite client?
Two, perhaps three, weeks.
No more.
Okay. Um, hey, I gotta run,
but, I'll be back soon.
Just ... okay, back soon.
I'm leaving now!
Gonna go arching!
I'm so proud of you, sweetie.
Are you taking #21 with you?
Yeah, he's already at the bus station.
Ahh, the Monarch!
So good to see you in your colors.
I have a rather pressing matter
- for your wife, so may I...?
- Kitchen.
All right.
Ah.
Hey, can I get a hand here?
Damn cast. I can't ...
You know, I broke my
arm, so, if you could just
give me a hand and we can
just get that in there.
Yeah, that's not going to work.
All right, if you just get in
and I'll just kind of tip it.
You know, tip it and you can pull it.
- Dios mío.
- Get a scooch in there.
- Okay, just edge it in.
- You're like, what, like ...
like a Wandering Spider, or something?
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm Blue Morpho.
So what's all this crap about levels?
Level 10, level 4, level whatever.
It's not that confusing.
EMA level means equally
matched aggression level.
It all started with ... that's right ...
the original Dr. Venture.
See, 50 years ago, there
was this freshman villain
called Turnbuckle.
No fancy car, no
weapons, no clue, right?
He shows up at the Venture
compound and snatches Rusty
from his playpen, or
whatever, and demands a fight.
Step away from the boy.
Caution.
You face Tu-r-rnbuckle.
My punch is devastating.
Step the fuck away from the boy!
The guy puts up his
dukes like a total douche.
So the Action Man, because
he's a full-on psycho,
pistol-whips him into the
ground like a tent pole.
And then, this Turnbuckle,
he looks up and says...
Kiss my ass.
Click. Takes one right in the brain.
Not equal.
So they came up with this system.
You have huge balls, a deadly
partner, armed headquarters,
a huge Henchman army, and a flying car,
you're like a level 9 or 10.
If you just have a
sidekick and enough change
to ride the New Jersey path train,
you're a 4.
Guess who's a 4.
Come, now.
What more do you need?
Wide Wale's surveillance
tapes clearly show
that Dr. Venture was
dressed as Blue Morpho.
Illegally obtained surveillance
footage isn't enough to move on.
And what of this grapple gun we salvaged
from the wreck of the Doom Factory?
Look, here are the mechanics.
That is the Venture Industries logo.
He all but left his
business card to taunt us.
Okay, listen, we'll
assemble the Five Point Five
and we're gonna deal
with this by the ...
- Open your eyes, woman!
- Book.
Not another one of us will die!
This list, it's not just
random level-10 villains.
This is a list of Dr. Venture's
arching rights.
He has been killing his
way through this list.
Well, why?
He wouldn't do that.
I've watched him stand on a chair
because he saw a cockroach!
Money, power, greed!
They change people.
We must stop this tonight!
Not as Guild members, but
as brethren. As villains!
- Who's next on the list?
- The Wandering Spider.
Well, we should call him right away.
- Maybe he ...
- Don't bother. We have, and he is missing.
Come with me. We have
only moments to spare!
I don't wanna kill anyone.
Yeah, I know, I'm a Henchman.
That's what we do: kill.
You know, back in the Monarch crew,
we called it "getting your wings".
I was 16 when I got my wings.
So, we're arching this guy
called Professor Vibrations.
Hippie creampuff, fought all his battles
with robots and some vibrogun thing.
So lame, but he was still nuts.
So I'm looking for a
place to hide my fat ass,
'cause I'm 16 and I'm terrified
and who do I all but knock over?
Professor Vibrations.
He had me dead to rights.
Could've vibrated my head off.
And then, he suddenly died.
Like of happiness, or something.
No, that happens!
Remember that videogame "Berserk"?
In like 1981, this kid
named Jeff Dailey died
right after he got a high score.
"Got the humanoid!"
Clunk, dead.
Then, like a year later,
another kid dies, the same way.
Of happiness!
Margaret, would you please
send in the next patient?
- M-Margaret?
- I guess that would be me.
I have a huge pain in my ass, doctor.
Ah, these fucking old-time villains.
The second things get hairy, they
scrap protocol and do it their way.
But something inside me wanted this.
All the diehards, the kooks,
the real villains, the crazies,
the blood-starved animals,
they're all assembled at Wide Wale's.
They're starin' down a gun barrel,
Just waitin' for Dr. Venture to mess up.
I'm ashamed to say it, but,
I hope he does.
Hey, look, free water!
What are you doing?
I meant like create mood lighting
and conversation corners.
This looks like a baby
shower for a teen mom.
I tried to stop him, but
then, I appreciated the irony.
What are these?
- They're the eclipse viewers you wanted.
- They're novelty glasses!
You look at an eclipse through these
and your eyes will
melt out of your head.
- They don't even have lenses!
- Doc, this is a lunar eclipse.
- You don't have to wear anything to ...
- Shh! We get paid for those.
Oh, yeah!
They're all sprayed with eclipsium.
They stop radiation
and magic space stuff.
Oh, good. Safety first.
- And the hats?
- Also coated with eclipsium.
Hmm.
You might want to give 'em
another couple coats.
Me and Chris ...
Lambert, of course...
have sensitive heads.
Oh, my God, you're heavy!
You wearing a flak vest, or something?
Whoa!
Ah! What the hell?!
Dude...
a-are you awake?
Hey! You awake?
Ow. All right, I just
did that to myself.
Just my luck.
Aw, crap, it's fallin' asleep.
Ah! Heh...
I guess he's going to
be fashionably late.
Or fashionably somewhere better.
Oh, my God.
Did you invite anybody else?
Like your mom, or maybe that fox
from the Carfax commercial?
- The Carfax Fox.
- He's already drunk.
I just figured Chris would invite
all his fancy friends.
What can I get ya, slim?
Why don'tcha pour out your heart,
as I pour out a stiff one.
Hank's the name and this
here's me waterin' hole.
Stop, Hank.
Fine.
How about a Ruddy Bottom.
Yeah, unless the name of the drink
includes the ingredients,
I can't help ya.
Perhaps a gin and tonic
that's made of gin and tonic?
You know what?
It's time you learned a doctail.
The Ruddy Bottom.
That's tall-glass grenadine with
tomato juice and a jigger of rum.
Sweet!
I'll have a Ruddy Bottom, too.
But, instead of
grenadine, I'll have rum.
And replace the tomato: also rum.
Yeah-eah-eah. All right.
This is how it's done.
This is how we did it back in the day,
when you didn't have to check
with mommy to protect what's yours.
This is so exciting!
Like when we were young and dumb
and everything was pointy and dangerous.
- What have we missed?
- Oh, you just missed jack squat.
This is crazy, you guys.
Let's just all relax
and think this over.
Ahh, we gotta do another one.
Crown was all messed
up in that last one.
And look more terrified, will ya?
Like I'm totally badass.
Oh, I am terrified!
Please, let me go.
Well, act it!
Look like you're laughing
in half the pictures.
Some people laugh when they're nervous.
What do you want from me?
I'm tied to a thing.
Well!
It's time for the eclipse.
I'm gonna go out and view.
Any takers?
- Ah, maybe later.
- I'ma na-nap for a bit.
Ah! Nice.
You got Ruddy Bottom all over me.
All right.
Oh, what?
Wh-What's going on?
Where are we?
Is ... Is that my phone?
Yeah. I want you to say
you've been kidnapped
by the Blue Morpho and that you're
- in a forest, about to be executed.
- Ah! Is that true?
A-Are you gonna execute me?
Dude, say exactly what I just said.
It's ... it's still ringing!
Wh-Why are you doing this?
Do you want money?
I can get you money.
This is Guild Councilwoman
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch.
- Oh! It's going to voicemail.
- Well, leave a message!
Th-That won't really help me!
Will it?
- The eclipse has started.
- That's not all that's started.
It looks like that
Blue Morpho there likes
to dance in the moonlight after a kill.
Agh! Thanks, Billy.
I'm all sticky with grenadine.
Idiot.
Huh? Oh.
That really is beautiful.
A-A-And, sending it now.
It's a good one.
Hey, you want me to put
one on your homepage?
Please don't.
You don't have to do this.
Y-You don't have to do this.
You don't have to do ...
- Look for yourself, Councilwoman.
- Oh my God.
There he is, soaked
in our brother's blood,
literally redhanded.
I-I can't believe this.
This is not happening.
Take the shot, Councilwoman.
Do you want to be
remembered as the bureaucratic
coward that hesitated?
What, do gotta see, Dr. Venture
slit your husband's throat
before you end this madness?
Madam, I beg you,
shoot him or step aside!
He's a killer!
Sometimes you do something and you know,
that second, you'll regret
it for the rest of your life.
But you had to make that choice!
You saw no other way!
You're a tiny part of a big machine.
And you feel small,
like you don't matter,
but it's so beautiful,
you're okay with it.
Agh!
Well, that's it.
Dr. Venture's dead.
And nobody cared.
His friends, his family, his bodyguard,
even his stupid robot,
didn't care.
Oh, please! I'm kidding!
That was my jacket and it
has a bulletproof lining.
He's fine!
Idiot thought his pocket blew up.
And, because he stole it
from a place that makes
costumes for villains, he was
too ashamed to tell anyone.
The next day, he returned it to Enzo's.
He even had to pay for my tailoring.
My wife finally checked her phone
and found #21's message
and my awesome selfie
and they realized what they did.
Somehow, she still snuck
in an "I told you so."
Like she was innocent.
What, you're worried
about my poor Henchman?
It's his job! Please!
And me?
I'm in the clear. I look great!
This?
This is a happy ending.
♪ Ding ding, round 1
(ding ding, round 1) ♪
♪ Now the battle's begun ♪
♪ Ding ding, round 2
(ding ding, round 2) ♪
♪ Said I'm comin' for you ♪
♪ Ding ding, round 3 ♪
♪ I'm on the ropes, there go my hopes ♪
♪ Ding ding, round 4,
I'm on the floor ♪
♪ Questa è la vita
(c'est la vie!) ♪
By the damn book!
We got lucky tonight.
This better be a lesson to us.
Let's just try to forget
it and we're gonna m...
Did you see that?
Right over there.
Is that Christopher Lambert?