The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 7, Episode 2 - The Rorqual Affair - full transcript

So that's why I can't ever
kiss her lips again.

Simple mathematics.

Now, who can solve this problem?

Gary?

I think I left my penis
in the bathroom.

Can I go get it?

Here.
You can use mine.

We can't give Gary help.
Night school isn't for friends.

It's for killers.

Can I take
this course over?

Yeah, if this is, like,
what you want to do forever.



My mommy thinks
I'm living at my uncle's.

She thinks I'm good.

Well, Gary?
Are you?

How did I oversleep?

Shit!

Where... aw, come... I told you
I was taking the car!

I thought maybe
you wanted a cup of sugar,

or maybe to see if Rocco
could come out and play.

I didn't think for a second
you had the balls.

The fucking arrogance.

No, it's really offensive.

Like, what, you're better
than him? But you're not.

You think you can just
drop by my home...

my home... and ask me this?



Oh, I'm not asking.

You're gonna dismantle this
not-even-close-to-a-secret lair

and leave town.

Or die in this crappy office

that is disappointingly
not whale-shaped

or hovering
or anything cool.

Are you serious?

I'm the Blue Morpho.

I know, dipshit.
I read the trades.

Hold on, a-are you late
for something?

No, just checking the time.

You see, in 10 seconds,
you'll be bleeding to death,

and you'll be unconscious.

Abort! Abort!
Abort the mission!

I'm not even
at Grove Street yet!

Three. Two.

And one.

Ah!

Ha ha ha!

- Shit.
- That's it.

Kano, get

I can't believe I caught
that knife on the first try.

Aah! So cool!

Listen, please!

It's just till we have
the Blue Morpho in custody!

No more arching?

How do you expect us
to make a living?

What, do you expect me
to get a job at Tower Records?

Well, there are none!
And also I'm made of ectoplasm.

Please, please, everyone,
it's for your own safety!

My only skills are
brick throwing and frog being!

We don't plan on taking away
anyone's livelihoods.

No reason to start a panic here.

Start a panic?
I'm leading an investigation.

I'm just asking
for some cooperation.

And they'd love to cooperate,
Councilwoman.

Free dues for a year
and your weight in Guild booty

for the head
of the Blue Morpho!

Let's get flaming bricks!

Let's get pitchforks
like in "Dracula"!

No, like in "Frankenstein"!

Torches!
Like in "Dracula"!

I'm telling you,
it's "Frankenstein"!

You all know me.
You know how I earn a living.

I'll catch this Blue Morpho
for you,

but it's not gonna be easy.

He's not playing
by your Guild rules.

He'll slice you open,
anus to throat,

and wash his hands
in your spilling bowels.

Let's get this over with.

You can get back
to pretending you're bad.

But as for your reward
of free dues...

Free dues
and mugs with our logo on it!

Your weight in mugs!

I want a seat on your council.

For that,
I'll give you Blue Morpho.

Or at least
his blood-soaked head!

Ah. Thank you very much,
Mr., uh, Death.

We'll, uh, take that
under advisement.

Nice job there, Rocco.

Yeah, back when
I was with Angie,

she was into this kind of, uh,
getting-tied-up thing.

- I got good at it.
- No? Angie?

Yeah! Oh, she was like... oh ho!
Oh, you have no idea.

Angie?
From Lyndhurst?

You have no idea.

Wake up, mystery man!

Ah! Ah! Ah!
Okay! Okay! Ah!

You'd think
I'd pull that stupid mask off

and be all, "Bruce Wayne?
No friggin' way!"

But I like the anticipation.

I like the riddle.

Yeah, that little mask
covers around his eyes.

Like now we don't know
who he is.

Right? That's the only way
we can identify each other.

Eye sockets.

Hey, look.
Hey, Rocco, look.

- Look at my disguise.
- Who are you?

I ain't never
seen this guy before.

Where's Wide Wale?

Oh! It was me the whole time!

All right, all right,
I get it. I get it!

Now, now, now. No spoilers!

We can do this using logic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
like Sherlock Holmes.

Hey, Dr. Watson,

doesn't this shithead
sound familiar?

Yeah. He sounds like
that Monarch guy.

Like a tiny bit.

No? Monarch?

Whew, I hope, for this guy's
sake, he ain't the Monarch.

- Oh, yeah, why's that?
- W-Why would that matter?

Oh, I ain't never
told you this before?

My origin story?
Ah, you two will love this.

Okay.

As hard as it is to believe,

I wasn't born
half a fucking whale.

Did you know that 95%
of our oceans are unexplored?

My brother Doug used to say
that everything worth knowing

was in that 95%.

Like, uh, sharks have this shit
called angiogenin inhibitors

that makes them
all but immune to cancer?

It's all scientific, and that
was really Dougie's department.

He was a fucking genius,

and I was the only one
that truly believed in him.

So this one time...

Okay,
just a little further.

And surprise!
The final piece!

Oh, no, Chester, this won't do.
I-It's falling apart.

Where did you get
this wretched thing?

It's art. I stole it from
one of those snooty galleries.

It's worth like
12 million bucks,

so that means
it's the best, right?

Use your eyes!
It's a pile of garbage.

We can't use this!
This is worthless.

Only a fool
would want this.

This is my older
brother calling me a fool.

My heart was just exploding.

I-I had to make it right.

So that night,

I hooked up the molecular
redistributor to myself.

Chester! No!
No, what are you doing?!

Dougie,
you got to trust me!

You got to trust
your calculations!

Wait, wait, no.
You did tell me this story.

I remember this part.

Yeah, I remember it too.

Or maybe I'm thinking
of the Hulk.

It's not exactly unique.

And what does it have to do
with this, uh, Monarch guy?

Oh, am I boring you?

I'm sorry.
Let me get to that part.

So, anyway, I become
a supervillain,

and Doug becomes
a super-scientist,

we part ways, yada, yada.

So Dr. Doug Ong...
Dr. Dugong...

had this new arch, the Monarch.

Can you guess what he did?

You abandoned me!

You abandoned my hatred!

I-I have cuttlefish.

Look into my eyes!

Eh...

So this Monarch guy
blew my brother's head off.

You don't want to be him.

I may look like a whale,

but I got a lot of
bad shark in me.

Yes.

S-Surprise? Ow!

They are whaling on him.

Whaling.
That's kind of funny.

Oh, if he lives through this,
he's gonna kill me.

Be aggressive.
B-E aggressive. B-E...

Yes, yes, it's hilarious.

You're like
the third person to do that.

Are you with my husband?

Eh, kinda?

Get to
Rat Island immediately.

They caught the Blue Morpho.

Which one of you
captured him?

It was Tunnel Vision!

Yeah, I was just tunneling
Rat Island there,

and then this guy pops out.

It's him.
Blue Morpho.

There's, uh, probably
a secret lair around here.

If he didn't
self-destruct it already.

My hand, if you could see it,
is extended in gratitude.

That's a homeless guy dressed up
kind of like the Blue Morpho.

This is ridiculous!
This is a Halloween mask!

A what?!

This is crazy.

The Blue Morpho
is still out there.

You got to help me find him.

I was just gonna almost
ask you the same thing.

That isn't him,
and you know it.

If we take this away
from them,

we'll get energy lasers,
acid spit,

and a frog
throwing a brick at us.

This nightmare is over.

"Guild," as you know,
means "fellowship."

Dr. Mrs. the Monarch?

Yes?

I just found out

Harangutan was killed
by the Blue Morpho.

And you knew it.

You knew there was
a vigilante out there,

but you let villains arch.

You knew all those things,

and now my Wandering Spider
is dead.

I wanted you to know that.

You did not deserve that.

I-I have to show you
a few things.

Meet me back at our place.

Hey, Sirena, I got to ask you
to go to your room there.

Your father, he, uh...

I can't even
sit in the living room?!

Oh, this is so stupid.

You're stupid,
and this is stupid.

Hey, look, it's not me.

It's the Blue Morpho thing
and your dad.

If it was me,
I'd put you up in the Plaza

with every
Nintendo game they got.

Rocco, what year
do you think this is?

Nintendo? What are we,
in the fucking '90s?

- Then a PS2 or whatever.
- That came out forever ago.

Ugh! Fine! Tell my dad
you tied me to the bed.

Don't you even
joke about that!

Is someone
doing that to you, Sirena?!

Sirena, you would tell me if
someone was doing that to you!

- Rocco?
- Yeah, boss?

Want to play
with the rat again?

Wide Wale?
He's Wide Wale's prisoner?

- What are you morons thinking?
- He did it for you!

You were suddenly
Mrs. Guild of Calamitous Intent,

and he was Mr. Nobody!

Why does that
make sense to you?!

That is the dumbest
fucking thing I've ever heard!

His father
was the Blue Morpho,

so he kills my colleagues...
for me?!

It's dumb!
We're dumb!

He did a dumb thing!
We're idiots!

But just look at what he did!

He's a Guild legend!

He has every one of those
bullshit fake villains

peeing in their tights!

Yeah, he's a hero, Gary.
Tell that to Wide Wale.

If he doesn't get murdered,

then it's my job
to publicly execute him!

Okay, okay, I get it, I get it.
We'll come up with a plan.

We always do.
You know.

Go, Team Monarch?

I c... I can't...

How did you even
pull this crap off?

Well, you want to
see something?

Oh, there's
the damn water heater!

What is that,
a 20-gallon tank?

No wonder I can only take
a three-minute shower.

- What the hell? There was stuff!
- It's impressive.

You two play make-believe
in the basement. Neato.

Wait, where...
where are you going?

To get some real help.

Come on! Join me!

Are you kidding?
It's freezing.

Do this alone, you jackass.

Oh, you are never
there for me!

I'm drowning!

There he is.
There's our vigilante.

Did you have
a nice little rest?

My teeth are loose.
You keep punching.

Does baby always
wake up this grumpy?

Seriously.
Use chloroform or something.

Did you ever hear
of a brain hemorrhage?

You're right.
I want to watch you die.

But I want it to be big.

Big and poetic.
You deserve that.

Hai ucciso mio fratello.

I don't speak Italian.
How do you even know Italian?

I mean, isn't your name Chinese?
Ong?

It's English.
My wife was Italian.

April?
April was Italian?

What?
Of course she was Italian.

She was Italian
on her mother's side.

You sure of that, boss?
April?

A-And I spent some time abroad
in college.

You know, work study.

Yeah, yeah. One of my henchmen
went to London for a week.

He came back
with an accent too.

He was all,
"I'm rather chuffed."

Total douche.

Oh, I hate guys like that.

They're just trying
to get laid.

"Hey, ladies,
I'm from le France!"

"These American boys, so crude.

Let me touch your bosom,
s'il vous plaît."

It was the University
of, uh, uh, Palermo.

Work study.

Yeah, right, work study.

Come here,
you little rascal.

Gotcha!

These are your daddy's
work friends, honey.

Gary, meet Lila.

Well, look at you.

You're as cute
as a button.

Yes, she is.
Especially her belly button!

Oh, and this is...

Oh. Uh, Sheila.

Hello, young lady.

Ohh.

I'll ask.

She wants to know
if you're a princess.

Oh, I am not. I'm a...
I work with your daddy.

There you go, sweetheart.

Now go ask mommy if
you can have a cupcake, okay?

She's beautiful.

Your husband is alive.

- Told you!
- You are so lucky.

But just barely.

He made the unfortunate
career choice

of killing Wide Wale's brother
some time ago, a one Dr. Dugong.

That's his brother?
I remember that.

I wasn't even on that arch.

That was you
and the lousy Moppets.

I'm in the clear.

Uh, okay, yeah,
this isn't good.

I will help you
rescue your husband.

But after that, I'm taking
his head to the Guild.

I want that seat,
and I want that pension.

Kate keeps on me
about retiring.

This is
our little compromise.

If I can get you that seat
and save the Monarch

without killing another villain,
will you help us?

Well...

I very much like to kill.

We get to break into
an O.S.I. Dummy Corp.

And kill?

You think he's finished yet?

Give him
a couple more minutes.

Y-You can sit
in the front, you know.

I know.

Tunes?

Got my old iPod.
We could rock out.

Let's not rock out.

I've got some
sick playlists on there.

You like trip hop with maybe...

Yeah, why don't we go in
and check if he's done in there?

Oh, yeah, he's...
I bet he's done.

I was, uh, swapping out the
surveillance with yesterday's.

Mm-hmm.

I like sick playlists.

And rocking out.

Oh, hi.

The room is secured.

How long do we have
till they regain consciousness?

Um...

- Hey, hey, hey.
- I'm gonna vomit.

Hey, come on.
Hey, wake up.

You got to stop doing that.

- You want to do Mad Libs?
- Do... Do what?

You know Mad Libs,
the party game.

- We're having a party.
- Are you serious?

Verb ending in I-N-G?

Stop.
P-Please stop.

Come on, nobody ever wants
to do these with me.

I'm putting down "stop,"
but with "I-N-G."

"Stopping."

Oh, you should
read this out loud.

Why aren't those
in a database

or like online or something?

The O.S.I.'s old-school.

Paranoid, superstitious.
You know the type.

Aren't we all?
Look at this.

I wear the same socks
every time I kill.

I call them
Steve and Dave Kill Sock.

This is Dave Kill Sock.

I got that beat.
I can beat that.

My dead friend's glove.

And for a bonus creepy,
I used to smell it

right before I did
something dangerous.

You ever seen
one of these, kid?

A ticket stub?
Yeah.

What's that, from the first time
you got girly action?

No, Gary,
that's a ticket stub

from movie night
on Gargantua-1.

Found it!

Wait.
You were at movie night?

The Guild, before your time,
tried to do a hostage thing.

Jonas Venture.

The big man
and his space station.

Ah, the '80s.
We did that back then.

Dumb kids gonna get famous.
Notorious.

We dressed as crew members.

Some of us had our space suits
on, some of us didn't.

With this face,
the helmet never came off.

Went perfectly.
Flawless.

Well, until someone
opened the bay doors.

No one knew who did it.

The crew shot out

like their mamas
were ringing the dinner bell.

You ever see a man die
in space?

You can tell the ones
that held their breath.

Their lungs rupture
from all that gas expanding.

Blood from their mouth
like a torn pillow

stuffed with red BBs.

Stab Girl,
she was a little thing,

carried switchblades.

She knew to exhale.

Watched her
for a full minute.

Puffed up like
she had a peanut allergy.

Floating by me
with her mouth open,

screaming, making no sound,

spit on her tongue boiling.

Anyway, got to see
a little "Sharky's Machine."

All right, let's bounce!

Get this man

and meet us at Wide Wale's
penthouse at 2200 hours.

You wait on the roof
for Red Death,

then come in at my signal.

Don't be late again!

10-4.

Don't use numbers
you heard on TV, just...

No, yeah, that was...
I won't be late.

They got pizza in there.

Six bucks says
they don't save us a slice.

Hey, uh,
Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS.

- You need a hand?
- Maybe two?

- No, I'm fine.
- Yeah, you are.

No, no, no, no!
No, go back up!

Go back up!

Penthouse, per favore.
Andiamo!

You know what I love about
sexist clowns like you guys?

You actually think
you're nice guys.

You're just being friendly.
You'd never hit a girl.

I could do this

and you wouldn't do
a thing.

Hey, hey, listen, girly,
you don't...

"Girly"? Really?
You were begging for that.

Hank Venture
is behind me. Follow me.

Hank Venture's behind me.

Yeah,
almost makes up

for him scuffing my knuckles
with his face.

Plan B?

Pretty poetic, huh?

What, you dressed up the Venture
kid like a gigolo to kill me?

I dressed-a myself
like a "juggalo," sir!

Oh, super poetic.
Yeah, you're Lord Byron.

He won't do it.

Don't you listen to him,
Enrico.

Just pull the trigger,
and you're family.

You'll marry my daughter.

You'll live in a frigging
magic petting zoo or some shit.

W-Whatever.
Just kill him, son!

Enrico!
Don't do it!

V-Viceroy?

Y-You're out of-a Dunwitch?

That's my backup.
He's only 15 hours late.

What are you doing?
This isn't Hank of you.

Enrico Matassa is a lover,
not a fighter!

You speak-a the truth.

Your words are-a very Hank-a,
my friend.

Just down that hall
is the woman you love!

Give me the gun, Enrico.

Does she crave Enrico?

Want Enrico?
Burn for Enrico?!

- Yearn for...
- Oh, stop already!

Sorry about the drama.

They don't have wheelchair
access in this building.

Oh, oh!
That was terrifying.

Dougie?
I-Is that you, Dougie?

- Y-You're alive?
- Of course.

I have so much starfish DNA
in me that I regenerate limbs.

I grew my head back.

You'd know this

if you occasionally answered
Mom's e-mails.

She... She sends those
little cat videos.

Always with the excuses!

I've been under
O.S.I. protection

because you're a...
you're a villain!

I live in fear of you,
Chester.

Dougie,
it's your little brother.

I-I would never hurt you.

You're holding a gun,
Chester!

The red-faced guy
with the horse told me

you were gonna kill a guy?

This? No, no, no!
This was just fun.

Yeah!
Just playing cops and robbers.

Every Tuesday!

Hey, boss, look who I found
snooping around.

Oh!
You win, Rocco!

Now, uh, uh, you hide,
and, uh, we'll look for you.

- Get outta here.
- What? Oh, yeah.

Uh, y-you want I should
I hide behind this thing?

Hi, baby.

Maybe we should
leave them to talk, huh?

Oh, I think we need to talk
as well.

I just heard breaking glass.

- What is going on?
- Shh! Sirena, hide!

- What is Hank doing here?
- I-I don't remember.

S-Sirena?

I-It's me!
Your Uncle Douglas!

Oh, my God, hi!

I have an uncle?!

Oh, Chester!

I thought you was dead.

This is
the greatest thing ever.

You're not
out of the doghouse yet.

Uh, here's something.

The building across the street.

Ven-Tech Tower?

It looks like
it's trying to move.

That's messed up.

Dude!
That's the Morphomobile!

The Blue Morpho?
How is that possible?

Oh, who fucking cares?!
I'm out of the doghouse!

A what?!