The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - Faking Miracles - full transcript

You'll never get away with this
Scaramantula!

Ah but I already have Dr. Venture.

And before I finish
this precocious '47 Monfortino

my mecha-tarantula will finish a-you!

Italian spider bot. If it's
engineered anything like your Fiats

we've naught to worry about.

Che cosa?

Wow!
That Chinaman's dynamite.

- We got to get us one of those.
- I don't think he's on our side.

Great work Kato.

Come on out Scaramantula.



- You're finished.
- Well if it isn't the Blue Morpho.

If you think you can
just waltz in here

and muscle in on my racket
you've got another thing coming!

Ooh-ah.

It's "another think coming."
God!

No need to be alarmed Dr. Venture.
I'll have you free in a jiff.

- You're in the hands of the Blue ...
- Blue Morpho.

Yes I've heard of you.
Nothing good I'm afraid.

Ow! Wait a minute.
I'm not ... ow!

But after that they become
like friends and stuff.

He shows up again in issue 36

- when they team up to fight L. Ron Hubbard.
- Yeah super.

None of this explains what
he was doing in my basement.

Dude this was your parents' basement.



Don't you get it?
Your dad was the Blue Morpho.

Please.
My father was a boozed-up socialite

who collected butterflies
in his copious spare time.

- No way he could've been a su...
- Superhero?

- Ow!
- Don't... you... dare!

Dude millionaire playboy's like
the number-one superhero alter ego.

Come on butterflies?
Think about it ... Blue Morpho.

- What the [bleep] is a Morpho?!
- It's a kind of butterfly dingus.

Uh ... I'm sorry.
It's just a lot to process okay?

I mean my god ... "crime computer"?
So corny.

- Well at least he had a cool car.
- No duh.

Say did Blue Morpho ever
has his own comic book?

Uh... canceled after six issues.
Not Kirby's best work.

Aw come on Brock. Why not?

Because it's like cheating Hank.

But so is flying in an airplane
or having a fake leg

- when you think about it. Which I do.
- For the last time ... no!

You cannot have anabolic steroids.

You want to get fit?
This is how you do it.

Make it stop.
Please make it stop.

One more lap soon-to-be college boy.
A deal's a deal.

Hey shoe's untied.
Made you look!

Hank that gag only works with ...
Dean why are you wearing shoes?!

Ah let's get you some water.

Before you end up like that guy.

Hohhh.

Ow!

Ow!
Harpoon tase me bro.

- Hey hey hey are you okay Miss Ong?
- Yeah quit being so handsy Rocco.

Yo Dante lay off him. He's just a kid.

Hi.

Ah once the consumer
electronics took off

chairman kind of lost interest
in all his super science tinkerin'.

He never used this here
floor for nothing but storage.

I bet she'll make a fine lab ...
bright and true.

It's perfect Captain. Yep this is
where were gonna make the miracles.

Eh I was kind of hoping
for an office with a view.

Oh my god!
This place is so cool!

You could fit 50 quiz caves in here.
Hey I got next.

- What is that thing?
- Ah that there is the Go-pod.

Car of the future kind of deal.
Zero emissions titanium uni-body.

Electromagnets are what keep her afloat.

See? This is the kind of
thing I'm talking about.

Let's toss this baby into
production and call it a day.

Eh well don't punch the
clock just yet there Doc.

She's been know to cause sterility
and heart murmurs in rhesus monkeys.

Wait what?

Also she don't stop so good.

- Hey Dr. Billy! Cool car!
- Billy come on.

We gonna make the miracles or what here?

So as regards to motion on the
floor all in favor... Councilman 1?

- Hello? Dr. Mrs. Whatever now?
- Huh? Oh yeah. Sorry.

Then it's settled. We shall officially
invite Professor Phineas Phage

- to rejoin this esteemed council.
- Well that's one down.

Yeah but five to go.

Four if we ever find Vendata.
Has anyone heard from him?

- Not since that date at Don Hell's.
- Well we can't hold his seat forever.

Have we any other business?

I for one would like
to thank our newest member

for hosting this meeting
in his lovely home.

Please it's me who should be
thanking you all for accommodating

a doting father on this
his daughter's special day.

I said I am fine Rocco!
Marone!

Quit following me around
like a fucking puppy dog.

- You're embarrassing yourself.
- Spirited girl.

Excuse me for a moment.

Badhul show our guests where
they can change for the party.

- Talk to me.
- Eh some kid in the park

got a little too... friendly with her
so we got a little... unfriendly with him.

- Where are Dante and Turio?
- They uh... they didn't make it.

Huh that must have been some kid.

All right first thing's first.

We get car running and
we give it a fresh coat

of Mighty Monarch maroon and marigold.

And whatever we do
we do not tell my wi...

Hi honey.

No I didn't hear them.
I was in the... shower... ing.

Oh good. You're getting ready.
For the party.

At Wide Wale's. I told you last week.

You know I didn't forget it.
I don't want to go to that.

- 'Cause I hate those people.
- Hey. Hey. Hey.

Sweetie those people are my coworkers.

And they're exactly the
people you need to impress

if you want to up your rank
in the Guild. Come ooon!

Just make an appearance.
Turn on the old Monarch charm.

- Monarch. Monarch.
- What?!

Dude you got to go to that.

I want to stay here
and play with my new cave.

The list. The guys arching Venture
are probably gonna be there.

- We could do recon.
- Good point.

Hey can 21 come too?

No henchmen. What?

Okay. Okay.
Okaaay I will. I...

Sorry.
Okay see ya soon honey bunny.

She wants me to bring wine.
Ha! I should piss in it.

There's that Monarch charm.

All right. How about this one ...

Ven-Tech deep-earth mining mech...

- Oh! Hey! Watch it!
- Sorry! Sorry.

- I didn't know it was on.
- Mining mech my ass.

Put that thing away and
refile it under "murder bot."

Next.

Why are we digging through
J.J.'s Project Morgue anyways?

- What are you looking for?
- Inspiration? A head start?

I don't know. I've been
out of the game for a while.

I'm a little rusty.
Not as in Rusty Venture I mean.

Yes I know what you meant.

But we didn't come here to
be a couple of patent clerks.

And don't say Einstein was
a patent clerk ... I know.

I thought you hired us
for our creative genius.

Billy! Check it out.
"We are the robots."

Point taken.

Nice.

That's coming out of your
first paycheck whatever it was.

White get out of that
thing and get me a dust pan.

Whoa! Geez!

Ugh!

- What the hell was that thing?
- What does it want from us?!

W-W-Where did it go?

Dean come in Dean.
You okay?

Huh? Wha?

- Hey.
- Brock? Y-You're in my mirror?

Interactive... smart surface...
something crap.

You feeling okay?

- Brock are Candiru native to New York?
- Huh? What is that?

One of the questions on
that college test of yours?

No. I... My...
Never mind.

Are you still gonna help me study

- even though I couldn't do all the laps?
- Yeah sure.

Yay! Study buddies!

Oh this.
Lost it in the war.

Oh I loathe mixing with civilians.

- They all look at me as if I have ...
- What? Two heads? Go figure.

God is that Redusa?
Ooh I haven't seen her in ages.

She has held up.

- Didn't you two have a thing?
- It was more of a fling.

Insatiable that one.
It got to be murder on my back.

Hot. You should go talk to her.
I could be your winged man.

Get you another? What are
you drinking there star dust?

'Cause you are a radiant little thing.

Uhh... thanks.
I'm doing okay.

Oh you're way past okay bright eyes.

That heavenly body could
make the Moon jealous.

Mm. Yes.
I'm just waiting for my... husband.

Ooh it ain't like that Lady M.
This here's a business call.

Not that it ain't a pleasure.

Name's Copy Cat.
Maybe think of me next time

your tribal council's having
a pow-wow about new members.

I'm not sure we need someone

who his superpower seems
to be bad pickup lines.

Well I'm a man of many
talents but my best one

is being in the right
place at the right time.

A talent I wish my
husband shared about now.

If you'll excuse me
I think I need some fresh air.

You go on now.
Give that old moon what for.

Ah ah ah.
You're 18 today princess not 21.

Oh excuse me.
Suddenly you're Mr. Law and Order?

What's eating you tadpole?
Ain't I made a nice party for you?

I never asked for no fancy
party with no foo-foo food.

I just want a normal life
without them butter guards of yours

watching me all the time.

Ah come on daddy knows
what'll cheer you up.

Remember when you was little?

There was one thing in the world
that could always make you smile.

Yes sir. One large pie extra
cheese and little a-clams.

20 minuti.
Hey a-new kid!

Got a delivery for you ...
best a-customer! Don't screw up.

Yes sir!
Hank Venture is on the job!

Oh!

Hold it!
Hold the elevator!

Thanks dick.

- May I help you?
- I doubt it.

Yeah Mighty Monarch.
My wife invited me.

Uh just minute sir. You
cannot go inside like ...

Uh excuse me. Is this apartment fi...
What?

- Badhul is that the pizz'?
- Oh-ooh.

Here let me help you with that.

- I'm so sorry...
- Rocco come here and pay the guy will you?

Uh the pizza she is a-pipping...

- Hot.
- Yeah yeah okay guy.

What do we owe yoooou...?!
Son of a bitch!

You! You get over
here you piece of sh...!

Honey! Hey!

Uh sweetie! I'm here.

You mind telling me what the
hell you think you're wearing?

Wha... my Mighty Monarch outfi... Ow.

There are civilians here my
legitimate business associates.

- This is not a costume party you little bug.
- Yeah? What about that guy?

- Regrettably this is my face sir.
- And you bear it with dignity old friend.

You be proud of that face.
But you!

You get the hell out of my house
before I throw you out.

Hey no need for a scene there Mr.
Clean. My pad's right downstairs.

How about I swing
Mr. Monarch on down there

and tune him up proper like
with some appropriate attire.

Whoa. Oh yeah.

- Oh god. How long has it been Red?
- I think she wants to go all the way.

Thanks for saving me back
there man. The wife would

kill me if I made a scene
in front of her work friends.

Oh... hell hath no fury eh tomcat?

- Come on.
- Why so gloomy sweet perfumy?

Hubby still a no-show?

- Well?
- Ah geez Dean.

- Your essay reads like a suicide note.
- Everything I wrote was true!

Yeah but you got to turn the
gas down a notch Sylvia Plath.

You're supposed to be selling
yourself to these people.

- Well h-how do I do that?
- Like right here ... instead of

"dragged all over kingdom come
by my super-controlling father"

you could write something like
"experienced world traveler."

And instead of "never let
me go to a 'real school'"

just say you were homeschooled.

In an electronic learning bed
that locked from the outside.

Better yet a very
exclusive progressive school

where you had a perfect
attendance record.

- So you want me to lie.
- Eh it's called spin. Do you trust me?

I know what I'm talking about.
I work for the government.

W-Wait. You said you'd help me
study for the entrance exams.

- Uhhh... right. When are they?
- Tomorrow... morning?

All right so nothing in the inventory
under "silver goo" or "magic puddle."

Well did you try "robot water"?

- Uh nada.
- Okay you geniuses can stop guessing now.

I've got the inventory number right here.
VT-005-BB.

All right.
Here we go. Bingo.

Ven-Tech bio-bot series 5.
They're uh some kind of nanobots.

Aha!
Technically I guessed closest.

Eh I don't know
what Wide Wale's problem is

but I'm glad you're not
one of these stuck-up

New York supervillains.
This is so super-cool of you.

Oh think nothing of it doodlebug.

Sure you don't mind?
It's like really expensive.

Mi closet es su closet compadre.

Really should wear more suits.

You know what they say...
clothes make the man.

I don't know about that.
I mean a guy like you ...

I'll say it ... classically handsome.

Come on now buddy
not so bad yourself.

Thanks. But you ...

you'd probably look good in anything.

See? You even make that look great!

Aw what is this now?
Unh-unh don't even try it Monarch.

Just turn around walk on out of here.

Warning you Monarch ...
one more jazzy little step

and I'll ... you get some
work done on your face?

No but you're about to.

What is this?
What are you playing video games now?

- I told you to find those things!
- It's not a video game.

- We found a tutorial for the bio-bot.
- It's pretty amazing Rus.

They're like a million tiny
doctors who are always on call.

You just drive 'em anywhere
you want in the body. See?

If two sides of a triangle...

...have lengths of 5 and 6
the perimeter of the triangle

could be which of the following?
"A" 11; "B" 24...

It uh... it was "C" 15.

Do you need to take
a break or something?

And ... Boom! ... just
like that all secured.

- Huh. Okay that is pretty amazing.
- Yeah but why stop there huh?

Why just cure people
when you can improve them?

Stimulate the muscles give
the adrenal glands a shot.

You can make a man virtually superhuman.

No no my stomach's
pretty much better now.

Actually I feel pretty ...

Yeah but that starts to raise

some ethical questions.

And what if this technology
falls into the wrong hands huh?

With a touch of a button you
could like stop a guy's heart.

Hoo!

Yeah but in the right hands
could just start it right up again.

Come on Dean! Come on!

Just think what these puppies could do
with the human brain.

Just park them in the cerebral cortex

hook them up to the
internet and ... bam ...

You're reading like "Gilgamesh"
in the original Babylonian.

What the hell...?

Ah too highbrow.

It's more fun to just make
a guy totally crap himself huh?

Okay tour's over folks. Now
can this tutorial of yours tutor you

how to find the real bio-whats
and call them back or something?

Oh yeah well sure.
It's no problem.

Huh. They're uh...
they're not responding.

I just think he feels threatened
by my new position in the Guild

and it comes out in these
passive-aggressive little ways.

Like tonight I mean it's almost
midnight already and where is he?

- Holy mackerel. Speak of the devil.
- What you see him? I-Is he here?

No he's across the way over
in that there Venture pad.

Oh that's impossible. He knows
he's not allowed to arch a Venture.

Don't know if I'd call
that arching per se.

Classy bird there this Monarch.

Does he do this kind of thing a lot?

More than I care to admit.

Did he just ... oh no you didn't.

You know your husband's
got a real talent

- for ignoring Guild arch rights.
- To say nothing of basic hygiene.

I... I think I'm...
gonna call it a night.

You guys check the back bedrooms.
I'm gonna check the hall again.

- Oh! Your tongue dear.
- Oh yeah make the earth move.

- Bring it to me!
- Ow! What the heck?!

Take your godamn tongue outta my...

Redusa don't do threesomes
you fucking perverts!

Redusa wait! Wait!
I can put a bag over his head!

You must understand! Please!

- I got nothing. Jiggle it.
- Stop talking to me like I'm an idiot.

- Billy jiggle it.
- I'm jiggling the damn part.

What are you doing down there?!

Doc! Call Dr. Orpheus.

I'm pretty sure Dean is possessed!

What? Poss... grow up Brock.

He's probably just
nervous about his exams.

Yeah well nerves might explain
him throwing up his dinner

but not throwing me across
the room or how he could

come back from the dead and
start ranting in Babylonian!

Wait. Shh!
What did you say?

Are you sure it was Babylonian?

I don't know.
It could have been Sumerian.

It's not really the takeaway here Doc.
Call the exorcist!

Just calm down Brock.

I think I know what's... possessing him.

What the...
What? Eh?

W-What?
H-Honey! Wait! Hey honey!

Ugh you would not believe
what happened to me ...

Don't! Just don't. Ugh!
I-I can't even look at you.

Don't be so dramatic.
So I'm a little late.

Late? Yes late. You
embarrass me in front

of my co-workers violated
a Guild law yet again

and more importantly
you ignored my call!

What?! Never!
I-I lost my phone when ...

Mmm.

What?

Dude Manolo got the
Morpho-mobile started.

Not now.
I'm having a discussion with my ...

Never mind. Come get me.

Professor!

What did you do to me?
I-I'm disappearing.

- You lost something pizza boy?
- Don't hit me! I was just leav...

- Oh. Hi.
- You're that kid from the park.

- Hey. Hank Vent...
- The one who was peeping in my window last week.

Okay first up I was not peeping.
I was trying to rescue you

didn't know you can breathe underwater.
Side note ... I'm super impressed.

Miss Ong you okay in there?!

- Sirena!
- Uh that'd be me. Hi. I'm Sirena.

Hey hey Miss Ong! You all right?

You know... I am leaving.
Those lobster guys are after me

'cause our dads are
enemies or something.

- They're supposed to be whale lice.
- All right don't worry!

I know t-that's so stupid.
Am I right?

Eh I've run away from stupider.

- Hey what's the matter?
- 3... 2...

You're not willing to risk your
life to go on a date with me?

I can't say I'm too impressed.

- Hail Mary full of grace...
- Okay I'm gonna bust this door down!

- You all right Miss Ong?! You didn't answer.
- Yes Rocco I'm fine!

- I was just getting some fucking air.
- All right I'm sorry to disturb you.

I was very worried.
I was yelling and texting...

Sooo... do we have a date?

No no no no no no no!

Don't fight it boy.
Your body is simply trying

to pass its residual
nanobots through your urethra.

Perfectly natural.

- Ooh!
- Oh and son...

that's not all you passed.

- Really? I got in?!
- Mm-hmm.

All those years in the
learning bed must have paid off.

Well... I also had
a pretty great study buddy.

You sure did son.

Gentlemen I think we just
made our first miracle.

Whoo! High five!