The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - All This and Gargantua-2 - full transcript
Join the Ventures-and pretty much everyone they've ever crossed paths with-as they rocket to the Gargantua-2 space station for an epic adventure that will change the Ventureverse as we know it.
[ German accent ]
Gentlemen, we are ready to begin.
You've all come so far in just
a few short months together.
Fat Chance,
when we started,
you had no control
over your powers.
See this?
Totally random.
[ Squeals ]
Nonsense.
This is a door
through time und space.
Where it goes is up to you.
You must become Fat Choice.
Professor Impossible,
you have learned
to stretch yourself in ways
you never thought possible.
[ Grunting ]
I don't look anything like that!
It's just too hard. I can't be
someone else.
Again.
KILLINGER:
Und, Baron Underbheit...
[whoosh ]
Excellent. But what else can you do?
Now, with the addition
of our newest recruits,
Radical Left and Henchman Zero-
"Zero." It's just Zero.
I hench for no man.
Ja--with Radical Left und Zero,
The Revenge Society is finally ready
to make its debut on the
world stage.
I'm still not sold
on this plan of yours.
A heist?
A bit beneath us, isn't it?
I like it.
It's old-school, you know?
And we are in need
of operating capital.
Well, it may be good enough
for Fat Albert and his
Junkyard Gang here,
but I was once a top member
of the Guild of Calamitous Intent.
And, what's more,
I founded this Revenge Society!
Ja, mit a shoe und a toaster.
[ laughter]
KILLINGER: I have not come to usurp
your authority, Herr Limb.
Mine is only to guide you
to your truest selves.
But you must have faith.
[door opens]
[gasps]
Somebody's coming!
Run.
DR. MRS. THE MONARCH:
Oh, it's so romantic.
We're moving into the house
you were raised in.
It's like a fairy tale.
It didn't look quite this bad
when I was a kid.
Yeah, it looks like
the kind of place
that has creepy, wet Asian kids
crawling on the ceiling.
[engine roars]
JONAS:
Welcome to your new world--
a world of luxury, fine dining,
world-class entertainment,
and, of course, cutting-edge
scientific research.
Step into our stellar casino.
Ooh. Love that gravity.
Whatever your pleasure,
because the largest space station
ever built
is also the first ever
to be open to the public.
Welcome to Gargantua-2.
DR. VENTURE:
And...hogwash.
Well, I guess if you include
the little antenna on top,
it's the largest.
Did I ever tell you your old man
was the first boy in space?
[snoring]
Well, first American boy, anyway.
But I was the first
to come back alive.
Poor little Dmitri.
Why is it so unbelievable
that I got invited
to Gargantua-2?
'Cause you're just, like,
a normal guy--and barely that.
I am a skilled surgeon,
Hank.
I put your dad's arm
back on his body,
and I untwisted you
and your brother's testicles.
Oh, when did that happen?
[gasps]
You fondled clone Hank!
Does my little Billy-boy
want a pillow?
Oh, will you stop babying him?
Now, why don't you snuggle up
next to me
and get some smoochin' in?
[ laughing ]
Oh, Rodney, you devil.
QUIZBOY:
Excuse me.
I want the pillow now.
GENTLEMAN: [Scottish accent]
Don't you eyeball me,
or I'll throw you right out of
that airlock!
Now, Horace, you be nice to
that robot.
It's about time
you forgave them.
I'll never forgive them!
You turn your back on a robot,
and they stab you in it!
With their wee,
little twirling knives
hidden behind their claws.
[ Monotone ]
If you require a refreshment--
Eh! One more word, and you're
going out that back door.
You can fly back to hell!
AMBER:
So, it's your basic nanny detail?
BROCK:
Not so basic.
We're not officially here.
No one can know about us.
Not even the client?
Especially not the client.
J.J. is what we call
a problem child.
He doesn't believe in the whole
"supervillain/superspy game,"
as he calls it, and he's refused
O.S.I. protection.
So why are we bothering?
Just 'cause you don't believe
in the boogeyman
doesn't mean he ain't hidin'
under your bed.
We ran J.J.'s books,
and some of his investors
turned out to be shell companies
held by...The Investors.
So you think J.J.'s dirty?
Nah, just naive.
J.J.'s rich, he's a Venture,
and he builds the kind of stuff
we don't want falling
into the wrong hands.
That makes him
a triple-decker sundae
to every costume job
with a sweet tooth,
and this space station of his
is the cherry on top.
Here. Take over a sec.
I got to go check on our civilian
volunteers.
[ Loud Clank ]
Did someone throw a...robot...out?
Oh, hey. [muffled whimpering]
I just wanted to let you folks know
how much your Uncle Sam appreciates you
loaning us your fancy space plane.
And, uh...he's also gonna need
your pants.
MONARCH:
Ugh! Disgusting!
Who the hell has been living here?
Squatters. Vagrants, probably.
Yeah, it could be dangerous.
I'm gonna go scope out upstairs.
All right, then.
Uh...All clear!
Aw, sweetie, we'll fix it up,
make it a real home.
Honestly, I never really
warmed up to our last place.
It was just too...
Cold. It was a cold house--
like, emotionally.
I just...[sniffles]
I really wish Tim-Tom
and Kevin could be here.
Eh...
I am really gonna miss
those adorable, little moppets.
I-In a way, it's...best
that they didn't live
to see...this.
[techno ringtone plays]
Oh?
[sighing ]
Oh, it's Sovereign.
He's calling a meeting
of the Council of 13.
- Oh-ho! Your first meeting!
- Wait--what? When?
We should totally celebrate!
I can't, it's--
well, I-it's right now.
It says they're sending a ca--
[ horn honks ]
MONARCH:
Huh.
Those guys give me
the super-creeps.
I'm so sorry about this, honey.
Y-y--bad timing.
Maybe we'll get dinner later.
I promise.
Maybe Chinese?
STEPPENWOLF:
Seriously, it's one dumpling.
Why even bother wrapping it up?
We're late enough because
of your precious Peking duck.
[warbles]
How should I know?
He just said it was an emergency.
[engine turns over]
[techno ringtone plays]
[beep]
Ah.
T-take over for me,
will ya, Bruno?
Somethin' wrong, boss?
Who was that?
As it says in the A. A. Big Book,
"follow the dictates
of a higher power,
and you will presently live
in a new and wonderful world."
[ sizzling ]
[ sizzling ]
[dogs barking]
WILD FOP: Bosie!
Do kennel the hounds and bring
the Camry around, won't you?
The Sovereign can be such
the queen bitch when we're late.
[dogs growling]
[ Sniffs ]
Cat pee?
[dogs barking]
[ Electricity crackles ]
Ugh!
O.S.I. SOLDIER:
Target 2 is down!
What?! Who the hell fired?!
Wasn't us, sir.
[alarms beeping]
Target 7 is also down!
I've got Targets 9 and 10
down, as well.
[rapid beeping]
And...there goes target 12.
Damn it! What the Sam Harris
is going on here?!
Bring the Council up
on the big board.
Survey says...
[buzzer]
We've been made, boys.
Sovereign knows we're closing in,
and that big talking head
is burning down the house!
You, give me a status report
on our other surveillance targets!
[ Keyboard clacking ]
Too slow!
Snoopy! Already on it.
Vendata is still M.I.A.,
Dr. Z hasn't been seen
since the 5th, and--
Oh, boy.
Henderson's reporting
that Red Mantle and Dragoon
gave him the slip
this morning.
Damn it! Find them!
[sighs] Henderson.
We need to shear these sheep
before the Sovereign
leads 'em to slaughter.
DR. VENTURE: Well, check again.
Did you try "Thaddeus Venture"?
"Dr. Thaddeus Venture"?
"T. Venture"?
"Rusty"?
Nope!
I've got, uh,
Hank, Dean,
and, uh, someone named
Scamp Venture.
Yeah, Scamp was a dog,
and he's dead.
Ah, the wee man must have been
having a laugh.
I'll just put you
in Scamp's parva cubiculum.
Ah. That sounds fancy.
I can't believe they don't
have me on the manifest!
I have an invite!
Does my little water baby
want to bunk with his mommy?
Over my rotting corpse.
♪ Hush, little Billy,
don't say a word ♪
How do you not have
a sauna?!
What kinda tiny-town monkey shop
are you running here?!
[ Robotic ] All accommodations are
equipped with shower stalls.
Shower?
I don't want to get clean!
I want to get filthy!
[Clank]
Who run Barter Town?
Hank runs Barter Town.
Say louder.
DR. VENTURE:
Hank, get off that robot!
Embargo lifted.
When I was a little girl,
I never dreamed I'd be in space.
I feel like a space princess,
like maybe She-Ra.
Now, I know She-Ra
was a princess of power,
but she was also in space.
That would make her a
space princess, I reckon!
SNOOPY:
And...we are in.
Good. Run facial-recognition
software on everyone in eyeshot.
Uh...yeah.
What do I look like--that guy?
Place looks like 3
Howard Johnson's--all show.
You know, my father built
the original Gargantua
- All the damn power just--It cut out!
- to advance science.
Things are fallin' apart over here!
H.E.L.P.eR.. can't get any juice,
the fridge is just gettin' water
all over the floor,
and it--it smells like bad milk.
Well, I'm on vacation. I always shut
down the power when I'm away.
- ...and It-it smells like bad milk.
- Well, light some candles or something.
Just make do.
I'm not made of money.
Doc! I am calling from Earth!
There's, like, a huge delay.
Will you just wait for it?!
♪ You'll still be
the sweetest wittle boy... ♪
The whole damn song?
Every time.
[ High-pitched Whistle ]
Smiles, everyone!
Smiles!
Welcome to Gargantua-2.
COUNCILMAN 11:
And the children weep for their king,
PHAGE: No. Just no.
I've no idea what you're even--
That sounds like how insane people talk.
- Wander in darkness with 100 blind eyes.
That's exactly like insane talking!
Councilman 1 has entered the pr--
Where is everybody?
Finally--a head that makes sense!
I've been talking to Bullet-Head
for 20 minutes,
and she's
♪ Wacky ♪
The eggs of all pains
have been laid...
Yeah, she speaks in the communal
language of the colony
when there's trouble.
I'm here. I'm here. Sorry.
I was listening to confessions.
It was getting mighty saucy,
so I--
Hey, where is everyone?
Councilmen.
COUNCILMEN:
Sovereign!
You are witness to this Guild's
finest hour.
But I need you all with me
to succeed.
All what-three of us?
All our eyes blind.
Like I'm gonna count you.
Shh!
Tonight, we take what is ours.
Over our heads floats Gargantua-2,
stuffed with our enemies
like so much ripened fruit.
Tonight, my loyal servants,
we shall pluck it from the sky
and crush it into pulp!
You're all crazy.
A fruit metaphor? Really?
Silence!
That's...actually an analogy,
not a metaphor, F.Y.I.
[ clears throat ]
Prepare for battle, reach for glory,
and plan for blood.
Gentlemen, I apologize.
With the Monarch's
untimely arrival,
I did not get a chance to clean.
What is this place?
It's your new home.
Welcome to Meteor Majeure.
BOGGLES:
Sarsaparilla!
Oh, yeah! This is more like it!
I've...been here before.
Yes, Force Majeure held the Boys'
Brigade here
for ransom in '68.
Ah, yes.
You know, that probably makes us
the first boys in space.
Well, except for that Russian kid.
Ja, very interesting walk
down memory lane, ja.
But even more interesting
is the view--
the perfect vantage point
to launch our daring heist
of the Gargantua-2.
Except the name--
"Meteor Majeure."
They're only called "meteors"
when they fall in the atmosphere.
In space, they're meteoroids.
Zero makes a salient point.
That's just slap-shod
science right there.
Mm, too big to be a meteoroid.
It's more of an asteroid.
Or, really, "satellite"
would be more accurate.
Yes, but then you don't get the
alliteration.
Oh!
Don't encourage him,
Richard!
We haven't time for this.
We've training to do.
MAN ON TV:
It's the ninth wonder of the world,
but the luxury Gargantua-2
is also the hottest ticket in town--
or, rather, way out of town.
#21: Yeah, it's the big
brick house on the corner
of Malcolm X Boulevard
and Huey P. Newton Av--
Hello?
- Unbelievable.
- Hello?
Right? That's, like, the fourth place
I've tried.
No one will deliver to this crappy
neighborhood.
But I'm starving! You check the fridge?
Oh, yeah, because
magic squatter elves
cobbled us lunch in the night.
Whoa! Ha-cha!
Today we feast, my loyal
and singular henchman!
Set it up.
This is some high-class schwag.
What, did the squatters go
dumpster-diving
at Dean & Deluca?
"Freegans." I just learned that word.
Oh! So good!
Oh! Ah!
Hey, what--
[smacks lips]
Is that a Wusthof?
Huh? Yeah. Yeah, looks like.
Huh. Weird.
Our fancy squatters have
the same taste in cutlery as--
[gasps]
Phantom Li-i-i-i-i-mb!!
Uh, come again?
Phantom Limb!
He was here!
I don't know how,
I don't know why, but--
This is why!
He was plotting something.
Yeah, we better get out of here.
He might come back.
No, he won't. He's going here!
Where is "here"?
"Here"...is there!
21, we are going to space.
What?! How the fuck
are we gonna--
Fetch me...
a New Jersey Transit schedule!
QUIZBOY:
Dibees on the bottom drawer!
[laughing]
Oh, dude!
Let's get room service
and watch HBO!
Or the boobie channel.
Great.
We've got an enchanting view
of Elizabeth, New Jersey.
And I'm--I'm a guest of honor,
and this is not honorable--
or guesty-of.
I was supposed to be
in the parva cubiculum.
That's Latin for
"small room," you know.
Yeah, I know Latin, Billy.
I know what tha-
there's no way
you're sleeping here.
Come on! I take up no space,
and I give killer back rubs!
And "tidy" is my middle name.
[ Robotic]
Apologies, gentlemen.
There appears to be a
mix-up with the rooms.
Please follow me
to the thalamun maximus.
Finally!
My bags are over there.
The thalamun maximus is for Dr. Whalen.
We are very sorry, Mr. Venture.
That's "Dr. Venture," thank you.
When did you become a doctor?
What? Forever ago! My god!
We had my graduation party in your
garage, for cryin' out loud!
Dean gave me this watch!
He said it was from you!
That's not from me.
That's my old watch.
Well, if you want it back,
it'll be in my thalamun maximus,
which means "important room"!
Oh, but you knew that already,
because you speak Latin.
Good day,
honorary-degree-Doctor Venture!
Yeah? Well,
te potest oscula hoc genu!
Oh, you can kiss my knee,
as well, idiot!
♪ Unh!
We're all wearin' jackets ♪
Gave him that bass
for Christmas one year.
He really got good.
Look at you-
practically fit to bust
with paternal pride.
You miss your old family,
don't you?
Nah. I mean, it was
just another job, you know?
[thump]
Someone's listenin'.
Hank?!
[coughs]
[strained ] Hey, Brock.
Hank! What are you doing here, man?
Uncle J.J. invited me.
And when I heard the dulcet tones
of today's hottest youth-rock act,
I thought I'd say hey to my adoring
public.
Or should I say,
"adorable."
[grunts]
Hi. I'm Henry Allen Venture.
And who might you be?
Well, aren't you just the little
gentleman.
Hiya. I'm Amber Gold.
Amb--code names! Come on!
Oh, he ain't gonna tell nobody on us.
Are ya, Henry?
Actually, that's the real reason
for my visit.
You guys are on a
secret mission, aren't you?
Whatever it is,
the Hankinator wants in.
Look, Hank, I don't have time for this.
Come on, Brock.
You know I'd make a great spy.
Indeed you would, Hank,
and your first mission
is to pretend you never saw us.
This is unprecedented behavior.
There are over 200 treaties
with the O.S.I.
that make any such action completely...
PHAGE:
Ridiculous?
Boneheaded? Unfucking-believable?
We can't blow up
innocent civilians and--
W-w-what was that phrase?
"Choke the life from the O.S.I.
as the rat trap snaps shut
on Gargantua-2,"
which is both a bad idea and a
mixed metaphor.
Enough!
Join me or join the rest
of the Council of 13-
pulled from their homes
like dogs to the slaughter.
Unreal! Mixed metaphor and a misquote?
That's it. I'm out of here.
I resign.
I accept your resignation, Councilman.
I accept
all of your resignations.
[gas hissing]
Did one of you just fart?
[both coughing]
Is someone continuing to fart?
What are you doing?!
Finishing what I began.
Toodles!
[ coughing ]
[ Static ]
Quickly! The gas is deadly!
Breathe through your clothing!
Oh, that is so hot!
Oh, it so is!
Mrs. The Monarch, you have
less than two minutes to live
unless you follow my instructions.
[ Muffled ]
Okay.
BOTH:
Welcome to the Guild Resistance!
#21: I'm just sayin',
space is a long way to go
just to chase Dr. Venture
around again.
This isn't about that.
Crown. What? Oh.
Phantom Limbless is the Guild's most
wanted fugitive.
If I'm the one who thwarts him,
you know what the
Sovereign's gonna say?
He's gonna say,
"this Monarch guy,
he is Council material."
Sir, are these your wrist-mounted
poison-dart shooters?
Aw, dude, why didn't you check those?
I did! They work perfectly!
RED MANTLE:
Stop your ceaseless fidgeting!
You're drawing attention to us.
DRAGOON: [muffled ]
I'm suffocating in here!
Why did I have to be the tumor?
Because that's what you are to me.
You're a nagging, festering sack of
flesh
that is eating me alive!
Gentlemen, if you do not cease
your endless bickering,
I'm prepared
to perform a bris!
GEN. HUNTER GATHERS: Still no
sign of our missing Councilmen.
All our leads have dried up.
Yeah...copy, General.
Uh, had a little setback
on our end, too.
But we'll keep working the case
up here. Over.
Ain't you dressed yet?
Where the fuck's my mustache?!
Yes, I'd like 20 Hankbucks
of plastic gambling money, please,
because I am an adult
of legal gambling age.
DR. VENTURE: Here's the thing--
I'm kind of the only person
that has a right to be
on this stupid space station,
and I'm being treated like crap.
You know, I made the ray shield
that protects this thing.
You think that means anything
to my brother? No.
Oh, Rusty, you haven't changed a bit--
Still full of adventure.
So, uh, how's the table?
You up or down?
Down. The table's as bad
as the security in this place.
How did you get in here?
He's accompanied by his godparent.
[ Clears throat ]
I submit we play a little craps,
throw some bones!
$1 acey-deucey is for
old ladies and wee girls.
Apologies, Rose.
Ooh! I haven't been called
a wee girl in ages!
Hey, where's Uncle J.J.?
I'm kind of worried about him.
No one's seen him since we got here.
Probably counting his money.
You know what?
I'm gonna go find that brother of mine
and give him a piece of my mind.
My mustache look okay?
Well, I prefer a clean-shaven man
myself,
But if you're asking if it looks like
we glued a piece of your mullet
to your face, you're fine.
Shall we play?
Nuh-unh. Never baccarat.
It's a dead giveaway.
Nobody but spies play baccarat.
Here you go, gents.
Uh, three martinis, extra-dry.
[ British accent ]
I asked for mine shaken, not st--
Not stirred-4 know.
You all ordered the same.
Well!
Look at this--Tweedle Dum and
Tweedle...Judas.
Am I interrupting?
Dr. Whalen, would you let me
be with my brother alone, please?
I'm...sorry I can't do anything.
I'm just really sorry.
Sorry.
You have got some explaining to do.
[grunts]
Hunh!
Ahh.
That feels like home--
being in your strong arms.
Uh...what's...going on?
You did it right, big brother--
a family, friends like Dr. Whalen,
a little business you can call your own.
And me, I got caught in the rat race.
All this money,
all these amazing technological
advancements,
and what does it all mean
when Mother Nature calls me home?
What are you--
Do you need to go to the bathroom?
Ha! You old kidder.
Always trying to lighten the mood.
[ Chuckles ]
Rust, do you remember
when I was born?
Uhh, hard to forget a tumor
being removed from my body
that tries to kill me.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, our turbulent youth,
right, big bro?
Good times.
The good times are over,
I fear. [chuckles]
Guess you got all the good genes.
Every organ in this little
Venture son is failing.
Rusty, I'm dying.
God.
I--I don't know
what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
We shared the same body.
We'll always be connected.
[beep, door opens]
Ah. Gentlemen.
Eh, perhaps later
would be a good time
to review those...terms.
I'm with family now.
Holy shit. They're here.
Huh? Who's there? Where?
The Investors--they're on board
Gargantua-2.
Clock my 12.
Mm, nope. We got nada.
Better check your O2 level, lad.
Think your mixture's too thin.
What are you talking about?
I'm looking right at 'em!
[ Electricity crackles ]
They're coming this w--aah!
What are you creeps doing here?
We are guests of Dr. Venture.
The smarter, littler one.
It is not our custom to go
where we are not invited.
Unlike some people.
Sir, could you please come with us?
PIRATE CAPTAIN:
Sorry about this, Brock.
Rules is rules,
and you're trespassin', there.
Take 'em to the brig, fellas.
Yeah, we, uh, we don't have,
uh...one of...that.
No brig? What kinda ship--
All right, fine!
Lock 'em up someplace safe.
You're making a huge mistake!
I'm not the trespasser! They are!
They're evil!
They're pure evil!
Guess some people just do not
take losing well, huh?
Put it all on black.
HECTOR: Gargantua-2, this is
Ven-Tech 3 requesting ray-shield entry.
Swifty found something weird out
here, and, man, I don't know,
I think the Doc's gonna want
to check it out.
[ Robotic ]
Access code?
6-2-1-9er.
He, uh, he gets kinda heavy,
don't he?
I...can't feel my arms anymore.
So, uh, chairman, we, uh, seem
to have some kind of a UFO.
Took a real beatin'
out at the ray shield.
Hector and Swifty says
they found him just floatin' out there.
- Uh..."him"?
- Yuppers.
It's an unidentified flyin' he-person.
Ta-da!
So, uh, is he a friend of yours?
RADICAL LEFT: Come on, man!
Fat and skinny are inside already.
PHANTOM LIMB: [muffled]
Give me a moment!
You have exactly 5 minutes
and 12 seconds.
[ Groans ]
Hello, Hamilton.
[splash ]
Aah! Sovereign!
Have I caught you at a bad time?
How on Earth did you find me?
Force Majeure was my predecessor.
Killinger was a fool not to know
his old space station
has been my summer retreat
for years.
So...is Operation Back Door
proceeding as planned?
And...no, that's not a euphemism
for, uh...what you're...doing there.
Yes, Sovereign.
We were just about to
commence our heist.
Excellent.
And you're prepared to do as I've asked?
Yes, I shall leave the
back door open for you
when we're through.
UNDERBHEIT: Limb!
Sometime today would be nice!
One question.
What will you do with the
others...afterward?
Oh. Has little Hambone grown
attached to his new friends?
You needn't worry.
They will be welcome
on the Council, as well.
I've already made room
for them.
This place is a deathtrap.
Watch your every step and touch nothing.
There you are!
The Monarch's waiting,
and you guys are acting
like Alex, Sam, and Clover of
"Totally Spies!"
Let's go!
Ah! Finally.
No! Might be a trap.
Might be?
[laughs]
[shrieks]
Slaughterbot! Take cover!
[ snarls ]
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ snarls ]
Oh, it's cool.
Just watch and ward as robot dogs.
Viva Guild resistance!
Oh, come on!
Watch, what are you doing?!
How do I modify the controller?
This is like when
I got stuck in that cart
playing "Red Dead Redemption."
Resistance! Follow us!
We've lost Mommy Long-Legs.
Oh, well, that really kind of
ruins our rescue.
We shouldn't have stopped
for all those power-ups.
I'll call her colony
when we get out.
Lead the way.
There's an air duct
we can use to get-
What are you doing?!
Check it out! I found a cheat code
for standing!
[ Groans ]
Tell me this is more interesting
than watching old people gamble.
It's a close call, Dean.
[monitors beeping steadily]
QUIZBOY: He's alive, but barely.
Flash-frozen--think Bird's Eye peas.
I can't even imagine
the kind of cosmic radiation he's
suffered.
This is cruelty.
Let's do the humane thing--unplug him.
It's...for the best.
[rapid beeping]
I've full Vitals!
General Timothy Treister,
Office of Secret Intelligence, retired!
Where am I?
We found you floating in space.
Little green men!
The star people fixed my pee-pee cancer!
My new life begins!
I'm ready to become assimilated
into your Martian ways--
take an alien wife,
become a humble farmer
of space bacteria!
Hot jiminy!
Take me to your leader!
Vitals are racing.
I'm gonna need to sedate him.
Hey, whatcha doing there,
little space traveler?
- Now, now. Sit back, Mr. Treister.
- Hey! Wait a tick!
You're the bad kinda aliens--
the mutilatin'-cattle kind!
The anal-probing kind!
Keep your green,
suction-cupped fingers away
from me and my precious rectum!
[ Panting ]
So much for sterile containment.
Alert security!
We need to get him back in I.C.U.!
Fuck this noise.
I'm gonna go get drunk and gamble.
[laughs]
Aah! Don't touch that!
Electrified.
No, it isn't.
Huh?
All right, but hang back a sec.
I got to take out his defenses.
[grunts]
Totally unnecessary.
Shush!
[sighs]
Okay, I-it looks clear.
But stay alert. This could be a trap.
That or Venture hasn't paid
his electric bill since June.
Loser.
Oh, crap--How are we supposed to
launch his old space shuttle
with no fucking power?
Not a problem.
I'll fire up the emergency generators.
You know, I know this place
like the back of my hand.
HATRED: I can barely see my hand
in front of my face down here!
This map is useless!
I can't make
heads or tails of it.
Did Mr. Venture draw this himself?
Nah, that backstabbin' Gary did.
[laughs evilly]
God, man. Jeez. Ya scared me.
- Boo!
- Aah!
[ Both laugh ]
This is all very amusing, gentlemen,
but if the electrical current
isn't promptly restored, I'm-
[all gasp]
[laughs]
Remember this old piece of stupid?
W-what are you, crazy?!
What are you doing with a can of
gasoline in here?
Oh, this? Uh, nothing.
I thought it was one of those
air-conditioner things
that astronauts carry.
Whatever.
Okay, now what?
You don't even drive.
Don't tell me you know
how to fly one of these.
I do not.
What I do know is
how to think like a Venture.
[grunts]
Dude!
What...did...you...do?!
Come on, did you really think
I'd go to the Venture compound
without getting a little arching in?
Ah ha ha ha ha ha--
[ muffled ]
Damn it!
Ah, crap!
[exhales heavily]
Say, that doesn't count
as blackface, does it?
Incoming.
Shall we begin?
Chance, bridge, please.
[ Electricity crackling ]
[ Blows]
[computer beeping ]
[doors slam ]
[ Crowd screaming ]
[laughs]
Oh, yeah!
Everyone one of youse,
facedown on the floor,
hands where we can see 'em!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We are The Revenge Society!
Who the hell are these assholes?
- The Revenge Society, sir. They're--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I'm not deaf! I'm flummoxed!
- Okay.
The hell's going on here now?
Hey. Underbheit. Where'd you come from?
We're robbing the casino!
Isn't that wild?
Mind on the job,
Underbheit.
Don't talk to that O.S.I. scum.
Do I know you?
[inhales deeply]
RODNEY:
I'm telling you,
the leader's that Fantamos kid
from the Boys' Brigade.
Oh, yeah, Ham--the wee cripple lad.
Okay, on the count of three,
we jump these guys.
You fight 'em off, and I'll go
spring Brock to help us.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, son.
That's the kind of thinking
that'll get you killed.
Oh, no, no, no. It's me--Hank Venture.
Yeah.
Still, it's, uh, best
to just let them take what they
want and go.
Aye. These places are insured.
What--what are you, the Inaction Men?
I thought you were heroes!
I'll help you, young Hank.
- What?! Mom!
- William.
The thing to do, though,
is to wait till the next time
those plug uglies
leave the room again.
We'll have the tactical advantage
with their ranks thinned.
Mom?
Sweetie, you just get
behind me when it starts.
Mommy will protect you.
[grunts]
Okay, I'm gone. I've had enough.
Sorry I thought you were a guy
and I touched your...
Girly pieces.
Yeah, it happens.
So, when all this blows over
and you do...
whatever it is you do,
I'd love to work with you again.
[grunts]
Exeunt, Phage!
Was your character
on a TV show?
Technically, but he's better-known
as something else.
Okay.
Is your character a...magician?
[cellphone ringing ]
My god, yes!
All right, you have
three more questions.
[cellphone beeps]
Hey, baby. Guess what I'm doing.
Criss Angel?
I don't know, sweetie,
but I have bad news.
Wh--
He did? He did?
You're kidding!
Doug Henning?
Who's Doug Henning?
He's killed most of the Council,
and he's gonna destroy Gargantua-2.
What? Why?!
Well, then turn around!
We can't! W-what should we do?!
Well, I love you, too--more than
anything, sweetie.
Sweetie, you're the only part
of my life I know is right.
No, you're not gonna die, baby.
I'll fix it.
[grunts]
No, of course I'll be careful.
No, I'll be fine!
Monarch, I'm 9--
Monarch?
Baby? Baby!
Don't worry, my love.
I'm coming.
PHANTOM LIMB:
Time?
Two minutes. One more run,
and the vault is clean.
Make it quick.
Chance, to the bridge.
I've one last errand.
[grunts]
Now's our chance, boys!
Showtime.
Good evening...
[gasps]
...Phantom Limb.
Investors!
T-the Sovereign didn't say
you would be here, my lieges.
Is that who told you to pull this?
I--yes.
[chuckles nervously]
We're, uh, all on the
same team now.
Thank you.
This conversation has been
most informative.
[ Electricity crackles ]
[alarm blaring ]
IMPOSSIBLE:
Hamilton, trouble in River City.
[indistinct shouting]
Go, Team Venture!
Actio-o-o-o-o-o-o-n!
Eat this, you fatty!
Gah! You bastard!
SALLY:
Richard. Wha--
Why are you doing this?
N-not Richard-Professor Incorrigible.
Rose! The "Meet Me in St. Louis"!
Rodney, I haven't done
that move in years.
Then it's time for a revival, baby.
W-what?
Oh! Oh, dear.
Aah!
Werner? Zero?
Where the deuce are you?!
BROCK:
Wait! I know now!
You're that henchman
I kicked holy hell out of.
I hench...for no--
[laughs ] And then you got
all big-pants and you thought
you could be your own
supervillain or something.
Right...henchman?
[laughing]
Oh ho ho.
It is going to be a pleasure
killing you, Agent Samson.
This is for all the henchmen
everywhere.
[ Loud bang ]
Huh? What was that?
Wait--what are you--
[crack]
Oh ho!
Brock! I'm here to--
[ neck snaps]
[ Loud bang ]
The hell's going on out there?
[indistinct shouting,
loud bang ]
Now, those would be asteroids.
[indistinct shouting]
[loud banging]
[ Crowd screaming ]
I don't believe it.
I've been double-crossed.
Possibly triple!
[ Loud bang ]
There's another one.
That's not a speed bump.
Those sound like asteroids.
Sweet mercy! The shield must have
failed!
Don't look at me!
That shield was flawless
when I gave it to you.
Bridge! Come in, bridge!
Communication is down,
as well.
Is there, like, anything we can do?
Of course there is! We're Ventures!
He means,
"is there anything we can do
about getting the hell out of here?"
Rust, you and Dean moon up
for a manual reboot
on those shields of yours.
I'll see what I can do from the bridge.
Oh, What the hell.
ALL:
Go, Team Venture!
And team Timothy Treister!
Oh! They're getting
murderized out there!
How the hell is Sovereign doing this?
RED MANTLE:
Who knows?
The man's gone crazy--
driven to desperation
by the sinister machinations
of the Investors.
We of the old guard are just as troubled
by this gross violation
of Guild law as yourselves.
[gasps]
And we can no longer stand for...
[muttering weakly]
If you are prepared
to offer us full immunity,
we are prepared
to tell you where he is.
[ Ice cubes clink,
liquid pours]
Surprised?
Here. Sit down before you fall down.
Here's the best part
of being a supervillain.
Every now and then, we get to
pull off our rubber mask,
lay out our sinister plot,
and explain how you're gonna die.
Classic stuff.
Oh, yeah, I know this one.
So I go, "Dr. Venture Sr.
I knew it all along."
But you didn't know.
My plan was so clever,
so cunning--
Shut up. Just shut up!
I don't have time for this.
Righto. As you wish.
I'm fucking dying,
so if you want to play
the cliché movie-ending game,
here is my dying speech.
You're not Jonas or Bowie.
You're a shapeshifting nobody
who's in over his head.
And now your house of cards
is toppling.
So, how am I doing?
Great. That's about it.
So, I guess I'll just move on
with my clichés.
Self-destruct button.
Soon, all of this goes boom--
you, the O.S.I.,
who'll be here any second.
That about cover
all the villain clichés?
[sighs]
Dying request?
Oh, right. Good one. Okay, shoot.
[sighs]
Can you spare Gargantua-2?
My husband is up there.
Hm. Touching, but no.
Too late for that.
The Investors have to go,
so Gargantua-2 has to go.
So you signed a deal
with the devil,
and now you want to welch on it.
Right? The head of a global
evil organization is a bad man.
Who'd have guessed? Total shocker.
Well, got to fly, love.
Wait. One more thing.
Who are you really?
Just some bloke who wanted to be
anyone but himself.
Toodles.
[shrieks]
ORPHEUS: Bedlam has broken out
athwart the kingdom of Venture!
Stay at it, my loyal order!
I'm not paying my portion
of the rent this month!
Just sayin'.
[ Explosion ]
We are losing this noble fight!
What is taking Mr. Hatred
so long with the fire brigade?!
[sirens wailing]
Hey! Hey! Over here!
[tires squealing ]
Over--around back!
[ Klaxon blaring ]
Oh, god!
Oh!
[ Both grunting ]
It's no use! Someone's sealed
the entire station.
Put your tiny, little back into it!
[ Groans ]
I've nothing left.
It's the cancer. It's beaten me.
We can't let our cancers
beat us!
Ohhhh!
Cancer makes me mad!
You won't like me when I'm mad!
[snarling ]
That damn pee-pee cancer!
T-t-t-there's something
happening to you!
Why won't it leave
my prostate alone?!
[ snarls ]
Hot dog! Treister's a Hulk!
Good lord. You've been--
well, belted by gamma rays,
I suspect.
Treister has overwhelming
desire to smash!
It's compulsion!
Smash?
Treister smash!
[ Loud bang ]
[ Roars ]
DR. VENTURE: I don't remember this being
so confusing when I made it.
You had a bunch of interns make it.
To my exact specifications, Dean!
It's a double thumb release
and a twist, like I specified.
Maybe you need to try
something else?
I know what I'm doing!
I mean, you know that, right--
that I know what I'm doing?
Pop, I'm in a space suit
helping my dad fix a ray shield
in outer space.
I'm impressed.
I'm scared out of my mind,
but, oh, I'm impressed.
Thanks. I didn't know.
Well, I knew I was impressive,
but I didn't know you knew it.
Pop!
Aaaaaaaah!
Crackin'!
What was-w-
dad?!
I've learned
not to ask.
W-wait--didn't the interns
that made this
have two sets of arms?
All right, I didn't technically make it.
Stop rubbing it in already.
No, I mean the manual-reset switch
might be made for four arms.
That's--
Oh.
Uh...give it a try.
[ Both grunt]
DOC:
Well, Dean, now I'm impressed.
Well, I knew that I was impressive,
but I wasn't sure you knew it.
Way to go, Rust!
Looks like we might just
live through this after-
[alarms blaring ]
Agh.
What is wrong, Killinger?
Things not going according to plan?
Caecius. Skiron. Lips.
How are you, mein brothers?
You should not have meddled
in our affairs.
Nein.
It is you who have forgotten your place.
We were never meant
to rule over these mortals.
They are but fools.
This is true.
And you shall perish with them.
Then it begins.
QUIZBOY:
Mom, if we're all gonna die here,
you got to tell me
how you did all that stuff.
Ooh. I-I suppose it's
high time I told you.
Your mother used to be a--
[loud rumbling ]
...a professional dancer!
Attention, passengers,
this is Jonas Venture Jr.
I thank you for your patience.
Unfortunately, the, uh...
nuclear reactors have, uh--
Oh, my.
Uh, no biggie.
So, uh, this is a precautionary
evacuation.
[ Crowd screaming ]
Thank you.
You heard the man!
This vessel be sinkin'!
Man the lifeboats!
Agh! Leave me. I think my hip's broke.
Only slow you dow--
What do you mean, "secret deal
with the Sovereign"?
I did it for us!
He promised us the Council!
Weren't you all tired of living
in that--that crack den?
Richard, are you coming?
Wh--really? You'd have me back?
No, idiot.
But I'm not about to let our son
lose his father
because he joined the LARP Society.
Hank, come on!
Wait! We got to find
Pop and Dean!
Then we better skedaddle!
[whistles ]
Hop on, Cornflower!
[timer beeping]
[grunts]
[sighs]
Everybody, freeze! Guild Resistance!
Where did David Bowie go?
He's not David Bowie.
Oh, great. All my signed albums
just became worthless.
Hey, is that big clock
what I think it is?
Yeah.
So, you guys bring cyanide tablets?
Because I [coughs]
don't recommend shooting yourself.
Please--you know
what's always installed
after a self-destruct button?
Center square.
Shadoe Stevens to block.
I'm gonna say...
"escape pod"?
And circle gets the square!
Oh, come on! I'm not wearing ear
protection!
Nice.
We're fixin' to set sail,
Chairman. Where are ye?
Captain, you know the Captain
always goes down with his ship.
Eh...
Oh. I meant me, Captain,
not you, Captain.
You should get out of here
immediately.
[sighs]
They'll never get
to a safe distance in time.
Treister Hulk?
If you're ready to meet the Star People,
I've got one more thing
for you to smash.
MONARCH:
All right.
I've given this
a lot of thought.
I really didn't think I'd get
a chance to say this, but...
[inhales deeply]
...is it Lance Burton?
Yes! W-wow!
Mind blown!
[cellphone rings]
Ba-tooo!
[cellphone beeps]
Sweetie?! Where are you?!
I'm rescuing you!
How?
Accidentally! Brace yourself!
[Clank]
Oh, I didn't even think we had a chance.
He's all freakin'--
W-what's up
with those guys?
[ lightsabers clashing ]
You have destroyed...
The Guild.
No.
I have saved it.
[slash ]
[gasps]
Ah. There you are--right on time.
DR. VENTURE: What the hell?
W-why are they all leaving?
I fixed their damn shield.
[ Metal creaking ]
JONAS:
Rust, I'm taking the reactor
for a little joyride into history.
You're gonna have to let go now.
DR. VENTURE:
So...this is...it?
This is it.
Speak well of me, big bro.
And, well...
Go, Team Venture.
Hey, Doc.
'Bout ready to go home?
[glass shattering ]
Yaaaaaaaaah!
Shove it, cancer!
Uh, he is gonna get out
at the last minute, right?
There. All better.
[ Groans ]
Uh...
[grunts]
What the hell is
Phantom Limb doing here?
You are all exactly where your
paths took you.
This day has tested each of you.
I...fear I've failed.
Nonsense. There is no failure
when you are true to yourself.
But I betrayed the Revenge Society.
Because, in your truest heart,
you wish to serve
on the Council of 13.
Well, I hate to burst your bubble,
but there isn't one anymore.
Isn't there?
I count 13 chairs in this room.
Where did he go?
[laughs]
Sweet!
The Monarch is on the Council of-
Not you.
[ Echoes ]
I love you.
[as J.J.]
Chirp.
[footsteps ]
[ Clears throat]
How do you say goodbye to
a man like Jonas Venture Jr.?
Though he touched to many lives,
and packed so much living
into his short time
on terre firme...
[crying ]
Probably not what
J.J. had in mind
when he asked to be
buried on this spot...
Not that we have
anything to bury.
[crying ]
Oh stop, you didn't
even know him.
I let you down!
Yeah, you did.
I know how much
the little fellow
meant to you,
young Dean.
And that is why,
against my better judgement
and at great personal risk
I decided to use
all of my mystical powers...
to save him.
Anywho, before the
Chairman took me in
I was lost...
Literally lost at sea in
the awful Sargasso.
And whenever we
lost a crew member
we'd send him off proper...
with an old pirate dirge.
[ accordion plays ]
♪ Once there was this kid who... ♪
♪ He got into an accident ♪
♪ and he couldn't come to school ♪
♪ When he finally came back ♪
♪ His hair had turned from black
into bright white ♪
DOC: What the he...
Is that the Crash Test Dummies?
Good god!
You've gotta be kidding me!
Was this one of
J.J.'s last wishes too?
According to his Last Will and
Testament, I'm afraid so, yes.
♪ [Captain vocalizing ] ♪
[H.E.L.P.eR. plays music]
♪ Once, there was this girl who... ♪
♪ [continues singing] ♪
[engine sputters]
[engine sputtering]
Hey! Come on, man.
Show a little respect, huh?
Not today.
We're not arching. I'm just...
picking up my rental car.
Sorry for your loss.
Hey, is it cool if we use your
electric fence for a jump?
[exhales]
All right. Make it quick.
♪ [singing continues] ♪
♪ [all humming] ♪
Oh come on! Really?
I don't know what the hell
you're singing about.
Did you forget
we're all homeless now?
You needn't worry
about that, Dr. Venture.
Your brother's Will
has made allotments.
Let me guess...
He's regifting me
Spider Skull Island.
No...l'm afraid
Mrs. Impossible gets the Island
as well as a
rather generous inheritance.
Great...What's left?
The boat?
Only the multi-billion dollar
Venture Techno-Industries corporation,
its various subsidiaries...
and its brand new
headquarters in New York.
[thump]
♪ [theme music plays] ♪
Gentlemen, we are ready to begin.
You've all come so far in just
a few short months together.
Fat Chance,
when we started,
you had no control
over your powers.
See this?
Totally random.
[ Squeals ]
Nonsense.
This is a door
through time und space.
Where it goes is up to you.
You must become Fat Choice.
Professor Impossible,
you have learned
to stretch yourself in ways
you never thought possible.
[ Grunting ]
I don't look anything like that!
It's just too hard. I can't be
someone else.
Again.
KILLINGER:
Und, Baron Underbheit...
[whoosh ]
Excellent. But what else can you do?
Now, with the addition
of our newest recruits,
Radical Left and Henchman Zero-
"Zero." It's just Zero.
I hench for no man.
Ja--with Radical Left und Zero,
The Revenge Society is finally ready
to make its debut on the
world stage.
I'm still not sold
on this plan of yours.
A heist?
A bit beneath us, isn't it?
I like it.
It's old-school, you know?
And we are in need
of operating capital.
Well, it may be good enough
for Fat Albert and his
Junkyard Gang here,
but I was once a top member
of the Guild of Calamitous Intent.
And, what's more,
I founded this Revenge Society!
Ja, mit a shoe und a toaster.
[ laughter]
KILLINGER: I have not come to usurp
your authority, Herr Limb.
Mine is only to guide you
to your truest selves.
But you must have faith.
[door opens]
[gasps]
Somebody's coming!
Run.
DR. MRS. THE MONARCH:
Oh, it's so romantic.
We're moving into the house
you were raised in.
It's like a fairy tale.
It didn't look quite this bad
when I was a kid.
Yeah, it looks like
the kind of place
that has creepy, wet Asian kids
crawling on the ceiling.
[engine roars]
JONAS:
Welcome to your new world--
a world of luxury, fine dining,
world-class entertainment,
and, of course, cutting-edge
scientific research.
Step into our stellar casino.
Ooh. Love that gravity.
Whatever your pleasure,
because the largest space station
ever built
is also the first ever
to be open to the public.
Welcome to Gargantua-2.
DR. VENTURE:
And...hogwash.
Well, I guess if you include
the little antenna on top,
it's the largest.
Did I ever tell you your old man
was the first boy in space?
[snoring]
Well, first American boy, anyway.
But I was the first
to come back alive.
Poor little Dmitri.
Why is it so unbelievable
that I got invited
to Gargantua-2?
'Cause you're just, like,
a normal guy--and barely that.
I am a skilled surgeon,
Hank.
I put your dad's arm
back on his body,
and I untwisted you
and your brother's testicles.
Oh, when did that happen?
[gasps]
You fondled clone Hank!
Does my little Billy-boy
want a pillow?
Oh, will you stop babying him?
Now, why don't you snuggle up
next to me
and get some smoochin' in?
[ laughing ]
Oh, Rodney, you devil.
QUIZBOY:
Excuse me.
I want the pillow now.
GENTLEMAN: [Scottish accent]
Don't you eyeball me,
or I'll throw you right out of
that airlock!
Now, Horace, you be nice to
that robot.
It's about time
you forgave them.
I'll never forgive them!
You turn your back on a robot,
and they stab you in it!
With their wee,
little twirling knives
hidden behind their claws.
[ Monotone ]
If you require a refreshment--
Eh! One more word, and you're
going out that back door.
You can fly back to hell!
AMBER:
So, it's your basic nanny detail?
BROCK:
Not so basic.
We're not officially here.
No one can know about us.
Not even the client?
Especially not the client.
J.J. is what we call
a problem child.
He doesn't believe in the whole
"supervillain/superspy game,"
as he calls it, and he's refused
O.S.I. protection.
So why are we bothering?
Just 'cause you don't believe
in the boogeyman
doesn't mean he ain't hidin'
under your bed.
We ran J.J.'s books,
and some of his investors
turned out to be shell companies
held by...The Investors.
So you think J.J.'s dirty?
Nah, just naive.
J.J.'s rich, he's a Venture,
and he builds the kind of stuff
we don't want falling
into the wrong hands.
That makes him
a triple-decker sundae
to every costume job
with a sweet tooth,
and this space station of his
is the cherry on top.
Here. Take over a sec.
I got to go check on our civilian
volunteers.
[ Loud Clank ]
Did someone throw a...robot...out?
Oh, hey. [muffled whimpering]
I just wanted to let you folks know
how much your Uncle Sam appreciates you
loaning us your fancy space plane.
And, uh...he's also gonna need
your pants.
MONARCH:
Ugh! Disgusting!
Who the hell has been living here?
Squatters. Vagrants, probably.
Yeah, it could be dangerous.
I'm gonna go scope out upstairs.
All right, then.
Uh...All clear!
Aw, sweetie, we'll fix it up,
make it a real home.
Honestly, I never really
warmed up to our last place.
It was just too...
Cold. It was a cold house--
like, emotionally.
I just...[sniffles]
I really wish Tim-Tom
and Kevin could be here.
Eh...
I am really gonna miss
those adorable, little moppets.
I-In a way, it's...best
that they didn't live
to see...this.
[techno ringtone plays]
Oh?
[sighing ]
Oh, it's Sovereign.
He's calling a meeting
of the Council of 13.
- Oh-ho! Your first meeting!
- Wait--what? When?
We should totally celebrate!
I can't, it's--
well, I-it's right now.
It says they're sending a ca--
[ horn honks ]
MONARCH:
Huh.
Those guys give me
the super-creeps.
I'm so sorry about this, honey.
Y-y--bad timing.
Maybe we'll get dinner later.
I promise.
Maybe Chinese?
STEPPENWOLF:
Seriously, it's one dumpling.
Why even bother wrapping it up?
We're late enough because
of your precious Peking duck.
[warbles]
How should I know?
He just said it was an emergency.
[engine turns over]
[techno ringtone plays]
[beep]
Ah.
T-take over for me,
will ya, Bruno?
Somethin' wrong, boss?
Who was that?
As it says in the A. A. Big Book,
"follow the dictates
of a higher power,
and you will presently live
in a new and wonderful world."
[ sizzling ]
[ sizzling ]
[dogs barking]
WILD FOP: Bosie!
Do kennel the hounds and bring
the Camry around, won't you?
The Sovereign can be such
the queen bitch when we're late.
[dogs growling]
[ Sniffs ]
Cat pee?
[dogs barking]
[ Electricity crackles ]
Ugh!
O.S.I. SOLDIER:
Target 2 is down!
What?! Who the hell fired?!
Wasn't us, sir.
[alarms beeping]
Target 7 is also down!
I've got Targets 9 and 10
down, as well.
[rapid beeping]
And...there goes target 12.
Damn it! What the Sam Harris
is going on here?!
Bring the Council up
on the big board.
Survey says...
[buzzer]
We've been made, boys.
Sovereign knows we're closing in,
and that big talking head
is burning down the house!
You, give me a status report
on our other surveillance targets!
[ Keyboard clacking ]
Too slow!
Snoopy! Already on it.
Vendata is still M.I.A.,
Dr. Z hasn't been seen
since the 5th, and--
Oh, boy.
Henderson's reporting
that Red Mantle and Dragoon
gave him the slip
this morning.
Damn it! Find them!
[sighs] Henderson.
We need to shear these sheep
before the Sovereign
leads 'em to slaughter.
DR. VENTURE: Well, check again.
Did you try "Thaddeus Venture"?
"Dr. Thaddeus Venture"?
"T. Venture"?
"Rusty"?
Nope!
I've got, uh,
Hank, Dean,
and, uh, someone named
Scamp Venture.
Yeah, Scamp was a dog,
and he's dead.
Ah, the wee man must have been
having a laugh.
I'll just put you
in Scamp's parva cubiculum.
Ah. That sounds fancy.
I can't believe they don't
have me on the manifest!
I have an invite!
Does my little water baby
want to bunk with his mommy?
Over my rotting corpse.
♪ Hush, little Billy,
don't say a word ♪
How do you not have
a sauna?!
What kinda tiny-town monkey shop
are you running here?!
[ Robotic ] All accommodations are
equipped with shower stalls.
Shower?
I don't want to get clean!
I want to get filthy!
[Clank]
Who run Barter Town?
Hank runs Barter Town.
Say louder.
DR. VENTURE:
Hank, get off that robot!
Embargo lifted.
When I was a little girl,
I never dreamed I'd be in space.
I feel like a space princess,
like maybe She-Ra.
Now, I know She-Ra
was a princess of power,
but she was also in space.
That would make her a
space princess, I reckon!
SNOOPY:
And...we are in.
Good. Run facial-recognition
software on everyone in eyeshot.
Uh...yeah.
What do I look like--that guy?
Place looks like 3
Howard Johnson's--all show.
You know, my father built
the original Gargantua
- All the damn power just--It cut out!
- to advance science.
Things are fallin' apart over here!
H.E.L.P.eR.. can't get any juice,
the fridge is just gettin' water
all over the floor,
and it--it smells like bad milk.
Well, I'm on vacation. I always shut
down the power when I'm away.
- ...and It-it smells like bad milk.
- Well, light some candles or something.
Just make do.
I'm not made of money.
Doc! I am calling from Earth!
There's, like, a huge delay.
Will you just wait for it?!
♪ You'll still be
the sweetest wittle boy... ♪
The whole damn song?
Every time.
[ High-pitched Whistle ]
Smiles, everyone!
Smiles!
Welcome to Gargantua-2.
COUNCILMAN 11:
And the children weep for their king,
PHAGE: No. Just no.
I've no idea what you're even--
That sounds like how insane people talk.
- Wander in darkness with 100 blind eyes.
That's exactly like insane talking!
Councilman 1 has entered the pr--
Where is everybody?
Finally--a head that makes sense!
I've been talking to Bullet-Head
for 20 minutes,
and she's
♪ Wacky ♪
The eggs of all pains
have been laid...
Yeah, she speaks in the communal
language of the colony
when there's trouble.
I'm here. I'm here. Sorry.
I was listening to confessions.
It was getting mighty saucy,
so I--
Hey, where is everyone?
Councilmen.
COUNCILMEN:
Sovereign!
You are witness to this Guild's
finest hour.
But I need you all with me
to succeed.
All what-three of us?
All our eyes blind.
Like I'm gonna count you.
Shh!
Tonight, we take what is ours.
Over our heads floats Gargantua-2,
stuffed with our enemies
like so much ripened fruit.
Tonight, my loyal servants,
we shall pluck it from the sky
and crush it into pulp!
You're all crazy.
A fruit metaphor? Really?
Silence!
That's...actually an analogy,
not a metaphor, F.Y.I.
[ clears throat ]
Prepare for battle, reach for glory,
and plan for blood.
Gentlemen, I apologize.
With the Monarch's
untimely arrival,
I did not get a chance to clean.
What is this place?
It's your new home.
Welcome to Meteor Majeure.
BOGGLES:
Sarsaparilla!
Oh, yeah! This is more like it!
I've...been here before.
Yes, Force Majeure held the Boys'
Brigade here
for ransom in '68.
Ah, yes.
You know, that probably makes us
the first boys in space.
Well, except for that Russian kid.
Ja, very interesting walk
down memory lane, ja.
But even more interesting
is the view--
the perfect vantage point
to launch our daring heist
of the Gargantua-2.
Except the name--
"Meteor Majeure."
They're only called "meteors"
when they fall in the atmosphere.
In space, they're meteoroids.
Zero makes a salient point.
That's just slap-shod
science right there.
Mm, too big to be a meteoroid.
It's more of an asteroid.
Or, really, "satellite"
would be more accurate.
Yes, but then you don't get the
alliteration.
Oh!
Don't encourage him,
Richard!
We haven't time for this.
We've training to do.
MAN ON TV:
It's the ninth wonder of the world,
but the luxury Gargantua-2
is also the hottest ticket in town--
or, rather, way out of town.
#21: Yeah, it's the big
brick house on the corner
of Malcolm X Boulevard
and Huey P. Newton Av--
Hello?
- Unbelievable.
- Hello?
Right? That's, like, the fourth place
I've tried.
No one will deliver to this crappy
neighborhood.
But I'm starving! You check the fridge?
Oh, yeah, because
magic squatter elves
cobbled us lunch in the night.
Whoa! Ha-cha!
Today we feast, my loyal
and singular henchman!
Set it up.
This is some high-class schwag.
What, did the squatters go
dumpster-diving
at Dean & Deluca?
"Freegans." I just learned that word.
Oh! So good!
Oh! Ah!
Hey, what--
[smacks lips]
Is that a Wusthof?
Huh? Yeah. Yeah, looks like.
Huh. Weird.
Our fancy squatters have
the same taste in cutlery as--
[gasps]
Phantom Li-i-i-i-i-mb!!
Uh, come again?
Phantom Limb!
He was here!
I don't know how,
I don't know why, but--
This is why!
He was plotting something.
Yeah, we better get out of here.
He might come back.
No, he won't. He's going here!
Where is "here"?
"Here"...is there!
21, we are going to space.
What?! How the fuck
are we gonna--
Fetch me...
a New Jersey Transit schedule!
QUIZBOY:
Dibees on the bottom drawer!
[laughing]
Oh, dude!
Let's get room service
and watch HBO!
Or the boobie channel.
Great.
We've got an enchanting view
of Elizabeth, New Jersey.
And I'm--I'm a guest of honor,
and this is not honorable--
or guesty-of.
I was supposed to be
in the parva cubiculum.
That's Latin for
"small room," you know.
Yeah, I know Latin, Billy.
I know what tha-
there's no way
you're sleeping here.
Come on! I take up no space,
and I give killer back rubs!
And "tidy" is my middle name.
[ Robotic]
Apologies, gentlemen.
There appears to be a
mix-up with the rooms.
Please follow me
to the thalamun maximus.
Finally!
My bags are over there.
The thalamun maximus is for Dr. Whalen.
We are very sorry, Mr. Venture.
That's "Dr. Venture," thank you.
When did you become a doctor?
What? Forever ago! My god!
We had my graduation party in your
garage, for cryin' out loud!
Dean gave me this watch!
He said it was from you!
That's not from me.
That's my old watch.
Well, if you want it back,
it'll be in my thalamun maximus,
which means "important room"!
Oh, but you knew that already,
because you speak Latin.
Good day,
honorary-degree-Doctor Venture!
Yeah? Well,
te potest oscula hoc genu!
Oh, you can kiss my knee,
as well, idiot!
♪ Unh!
We're all wearin' jackets ♪
Gave him that bass
for Christmas one year.
He really got good.
Look at you-
practically fit to bust
with paternal pride.
You miss your old family,
don't you?
Nah. I mean, it was
just another job, you know?
[thump]
Someone's listenin'.
Hank?!
[coughs]
[strained ] Hey, Brock.
Hank! What are you doing here, man?
Uncle J.J. invited me.
And when I heard the dulcet tones
of today's hottest youth-rock act,
I thought I'd say hey to my adoring
public.
Or should I say,
"adorable."
[grunts]
Hi. I'm Henry Allen Venture.
And who might you be?
Well, aren't you just the little
gentleman.
Hiya. I'm Amber Gold.
Amb--code names! Come on!
Oh, he ain't gonna tell nobody on us.
Are ya, Henry?
Actually, that's the real reason
for my visit.
You guys are on a
secret mission, aren't you?
Whatever it is,
the Hankinator wants in.
Look, Hank, I don't have time for this.
Come on, Brock.
You know I'd make a great spy.
Indeed you would, Hank,
and your first mission
is to pretend you never saw us.
This is unprecedented behavior.
There are over 200 treaties
with the O.S.I.
that make any such action completely...
PHAGE:
Ridiculous?
Boneheaded? Unfucking-believable?
We can't blow up
innocent civilians and--
W-w-what was that phrase?
"Choke the life from the O.S.I.
as the rat trap snaps shut
on Gargantua-2,"
which is both a bad idea and a
mixed metaphor.
Enough!
Join me or join the rest
of the Council of 13-
pulled from their homes
like dogs to the slaughter.
Unreal! Mixed metaphor and a misquote?
That's it. I'm out of here.
I resign.
I accept your resignation, Councilman.
I accept
all of your resignations.
[gas hissing]
Did one of you just fart?
[both coughing]
Is someone continuing to fart?
What are you doing?!
Finishing what I began.
Toodles!
[ coughing ]
[ Static ]
Quickly! The gas is deadly!
Breathe through your clothing!
Oh, that is so hot!
Oh, it so is!
Mrs. The Monarch, you have
less than two minutes to live
unless you follow my instructions.
[ Muffled ]
Okay.
BOTH:
Welcome to the Guild Resistance!
#21: I'm just sayin',
space is a long way to go
just to chase Dr. Venture
around again.
This isn't about that.
Crown. What? Oh.
Phantom Limbless is the Guild's most
wanted fugitive.
If I'm the one who thwarts him,
you know what the
Sovereign's gonna say?
He's gonna say,
"this Monarch guy,
he is Council material."
Sir, are these your wrist-mounted
poison-dart shooters?
Aw, dude, why didn't you check those?
I did! They work perfectly!
RED MANTLE:
Stop your ceaseless fidgeting!
You're drawing attention to us.
DRAGOON: [muffled ]
I'm suffocating in here!
Why did I have to be the tumor?
Because that's what you are to me.
You're a nagging, festering sack of
flesh
that is eating me alive!
Gentlemen, if you do not cease
your endless bickering,
I'm prepared
to perform a bris!
GEN. HUNTER GATHERS: Still no
sign of our missing Councilmen.
All our leads have dried up.
Yeah...copy, General.
Uh, had a little setback
on our end, too.
But we'll keep working the case
up here. Over.
Ain't you dressed yet?
Where the fuck's my mustache?!
Yes, I'd like 20 Hankbucks
of plastic gambling money, please,
because I am an adult
of legal gambling age.
DR. VENTURE: Here's the thing--
I'm kind of the only person
that has a right to be
on this stupid space station,
and I'm being treated like crap.
You know, I made the ray shield
that protects this thing.
You think that means anything
to my brother? No.
Oh, Rusty, you haven't changed a bit--
Still full of adventure.
So, uh, how's the table?
You up or down?
Down. The table's as bad
as the security in this place.
How did you get in here?
He's accompanied by his godparent.
[ Clears throat ]
I submit we play a little craps,
throw some bones!
$1 acey-deucey is for
old ladies and wee girls.
Apologies, Rose.
Ooh! I haven't been called
a wee girl in ages!
Hey, where's Uncle J.J.?
I'm kind of worried about him.
No one's seen him since we got here.
Probably counting his money.
You know what?
I'm gonna go find that brother of mine
and give him a piece of my mind.
My mustache look okay?
Well, I prefer a clean-shaven man
myself,
But if you're asking if it looks like
we glued a piece of your mullet
to your face, you're fine.
Shall we play?
Nuh-unh. Never baccarat.
It's a dead giveaway.
Nobody but spies play baccarat.
Here you go, gents.
Uh, three martinis, extra-dry.
[ British accent ]
I asked for mine shaken, not st--
Not stirred-4 know.
You all ordered the same.
Well!
Look at this--Tweedle Dum and
Tweedle...Judas.
Am I interrupting?
Dr. Whalen, would you let me
be with my brother alone, please?
I'm...sorry I can't do anything.
I'm just really sorry.
Sorry.
You have got some explaining to do.
[grunts]
Hunh!
Ahh.
That feels like home--
being in your strong arms.
Uh...what's...going on?
You did it right, big brother--
a family, friends like Dr. Whalen,
a little business you can call your own.
And me, I got caught in the rat race.
All this money,
all these amazing technological
advancements,
and what does it all mean
when Mother Nature calls me home?
What are you--
Do you need to go to the bathroom?
Ha! You old kidder.
Always trying to lighten the mood.
[ Chuckles ]
Rust, do you remember
when I was born?
Uhh, hard to forget a tumor
being removed from my body
that tries to kill me.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, our turbulent youth,
right, big bro?
Good times.
The good times are over,
I fear. [chuckles]
Guess you got all the good genes.
Every organ in this little
Venture son is failing.
Rusty, I'm dying.
God.
I--I don't know
what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
We shared the same body.
We'll always be connected.
[beep, door opens]
Ah. Gentlemen.
Eh, perhaps later
would be a good time
to review those...terms.
I'm with family now.
Holy shit. They're here.
Huh? Who's there? Where?
The Investors--they're on board
Gargantua-2.
Clock my 12.
Mm, nope. We got nada.
Better check your O2 level, lad.
Think your mixture's too thin.
What are you talking about?
I'm looking right at 'em!
[ Electricity crackles ]
They're coming this w--aah!
What are you creeps doing here?
We are guests of Dr. Venture.
The smarter, littler one.
It is not our custom to go
where we are not invited.
Unlike some people.
Sir, could you please come with us?
PIRATE CAPTAIN:
Sorry about this, Brock.
Rules is rules,
and you're trespassin', there.
Take 'em to the brig, fellas.
Yeah, we, uh, we don't have,
uh...one of...that.
No brig? What kinda ship--
All right, fine!
Lock 'em up someplace safe.
You're making a huge mistake!
I'm not the trespasser! They are!
They're evil!
They're pure evil!
Guess some people just do not
take losing well, huh?
Put it all on black.
HECTOR: Gargantua-2, this is
Ven-Tech 3 requesting ray-shield entry.
Swifty found something weird out
here, and, man, I don't know,
I think the Doc's gonna want
to check it out.
[ Robotic ]
Access code?
6-2-1-9er.
He, uh, he gets kinda heavy,
don't he?
I...can't feel my arms anymore.
So, uh, chairman, we, uh, seem
to have some kind of a UFO.
Took a real beatin'
out at the ray shield.
Hector and Swifty says
they found him just floatin' out there.
- Uh..."him"?
- Yuppers.
It's an unidentified flyin' he-person.
Ta-da!
So, uh, is he a friend of yours?
RADICAL LEFT: Come on, man!
Fat and skinny are inside already.
PHANTOM LIMB: [muffled]
Give me a moment!
You have exactly 5 minutes
and 12 seconds.
[ Groans ]
Hello, Hamilton.
[splash ]
Aah! Sovereign!
Have I caught you at a bad time?
How on Earth did you find me?
Force Majeure was my predecessor.
Killinger was a fool not to know
his old space station
has been my summer retreat
for years.
So...is Operation Back Door
proceeding as planned?
And...no, that's not a euphemism
for, uh...what you're...doing there.
Yes, Sovereign.
We were just about to
commence our heist.
Excellent.
And you're prepared to do as I've asked?
Yes, I shall leave the
back door open for you
when we're through.
UNDERBHEIT: Limb!
Sometime today would be nice!
One question.
What will you do with the
others...afterward?
Oh. Has little Hambone grown
attached to his new friends?
You needn't worry.
They will be welcome
on the Council, as well.
I've already made room
for them.
This place is a deathtrap.
Watch your every step and touch nothing.
There you are!
The Monarch's waiting,
and you guys are acting
like Alex, Sam, and Clover of
"Totally Spies!"
Let's go!
Ah! Finally.
No! Might be a trap.
Might be?
[laughs]
[shrieks]
Slaughterbot! Take cover!
[ snarls ]
[ Electricity crackles ]
[ snarls ]
Oh, it's cool.
Just watch and ward as robot dogs.
Viva Guild resistance!
Oh, come on!
Watch, what are you doing?!
How do I modify the controller?
This is like when
I got stuck in that cart
playing "Red Dead Redemption."
Resistance! Follow us!
We've lost Mommy Long-Legs.
Oh, well, that really kind of
ruins our rescue.
We shouldn't have stopped
for all those power-ups.
I'll call her colony
when we get out.
Lead the way.
There's an air duct
we can use to get-
What are you doing?!
Check it out! I found a cheat code
for standing!
[ Groans ]
Tell me this is more interesting
than watching old people gamble.
It's a close call, Dean.
[monitors beeping steadily]
QUIZBOY: He's alive, but barely.
Flash-frozen--think Bird's Eye peas.
I can't even imagine
the kind of cosmic radiation he's
suffered.
This is cruelty.
Let's do the humane thing--unplug him.
It's...for the best.
[rapid beeping]
I've full Vitals!
General Timothy Treister,
Office of Secret Intelligence, retired!
Where am I?
We found you floating in space.
Little green men!
The star people fixed my pee-pee cancer!
My new life begins!
I'm ready to become assimilated
into your Martian ways--
take an alien wife,
become a humble farmer
of space bacteria!
Hot jiminy!
Take me to your leader!
Vitals are racing.
I'm gonna need to sedate him.
Hey, whatcha doing there,
little space traveler?
- Now, now. Sit back, Mr. Treister.
- Hey! Wait a tick!
You're the bad kinda aliens--
the mutilatin'-cattle kind!
The anal-probing kind!
Keep your green,
suction-cupped fingers away
from me and my precious rectum!
[ Panting ]
So much for sterile containment.
Alert security!
We need to get him back in I.C.U.!
Fuck this noise.
I'm gonna go get drunk and gamble.
[laughs]
Aah! Don't touch that!
Electrified.
No, it isn't.
Huh?
All right, but hang back a sec.
I got to take out his defenses.
[grunts]
Totally unnecessary.
Shush!
[sighs]
Okay, I-it looks clear.
But stay alert. This could be a trap.
That or Venture hasn't paid
his electric bill since June.
Loser.
Oh, crap--How are we supposed to
launch his old space shuttle
with no fucking power?
Not a problem.
I'll fire up the emergency generators.
You know, I know this place
like the back of my hand.
HATRED: I can barely see my hand
in front of my face down here!
This map is useless!
I can't make
heads or tails of it.
Did Mr. Venture draw this himself?
Nah, that backstabbin' Gary did.
[laughs evilly]
God, man. Jeez. Ya scared me.
- Boo!
- Aah!
[ Both laugh ]
This is all very amusing, gentlemen,
but if the electrical current
isn't promptly restored, I'm-
[all gasp]
[laughs]
Remember this old piece of stupid?
W-what are you, crazy?!
What are you doing with a can of
gasoline in here?
Oh, this? Uh, nothing.
I thought it was one of those
air-conditioner things
that astronauts carry.
Whatever.
Okay, now what?
You don't even drive.
Don't tell me you know
how to fly one of these.
I do not.
What I do know is
how to think like a Venture.
[grunts]
Dude!
What...did...you...do?!
Come on, did you really think
I'd go to the Venture compound
without getting a little arching in?
Ah ha ha ha ha ha--
[ muffled ]
Damn it!
Ah, crap!
[exhales heavily]
Say, that doesn't count
as blackface, does it?
Incoming.
Shall we begin?
Chance, bridge, please.
[ Electricity crackling ]
[ Blows]
[computer beeping ]
[doors slam ]
[ Crowd screaming ]
[laughs]
Oh, yeah!
Everyone one of youse,
facedown on the floor,
hands where we can see 'em!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We are The Revenge Society!
Who the hell are these assholes?
- The Revenge Society, sir. They're--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I'm not deaf! I'm flummoxed!
- Okay.
The hell's going on here now?
Hey. Underbheit. Where'd you come from?
We're robbing the casino!
Isn't that wild?
Mind on the job,
Underbheit.
Don't talk to that O.S.I. scum.
Do I know you?
[inhales deeply]
RODNEY:
I'm telling you,
the leader's that Fantamos kid
from the Boys' Brigade.
Oh, yeah, Ham--the wee cripple lad.
Okay, on the count of three,
we jump these guys.
You fight 'em off, and I'll go
spring Brock to help us.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, son.
That's the kind of thinking
that'll get you killed.
Oh, no, no, no. It's me--Hank Venture.
Yeah.
Still, it's, uh, best
to just let them take what they
want and go.
Aye. These places are insured.
What--what are you, the Inaction Men?
I thought you were heroes!
I'll help you, young Hank.
- What?! Mom!
- William.
The thing to do, though,
is to wait till the next time
those plug uglies
leave the room again.
We'll have the tactical advantage
with their ranks thinned.
Mom?
Sweetie, you just get
behind me when it starts.
Mommy will protect you.
[grunts]
Okay, I'm gone. I've had enough.
Sorry I thought you were a guy
and I touched your...
Girly pieces.
Yeah, it happens.
So, when all this blows over
and you do...
whatever it is you do,
I'd love to work with you again.
[grunts]
Exeunt, Phage!
Was your character
on a TV show?
Technically, but he's better-known
as something else.
Okay.
Is your character a...magician?
[cellphone ringing ]
My god, yes!
All right, you have
three more questions.
[cellphone beeps]
Hey, baby. Guess what I'm doing.
Criss Angel?
I don't know, sweetie,
but I have bad news.
Wh--
He did? He did?
You're kidding!
Doug Henning?
Who's Doug Henning?
He's killed most of the Council,
and he's gonna destroy Gargantua-2.
What? Why?!
Well, then turn around!
We can't! W-what should we do?!
Well, I love you, too--more than
anything, sweetie.
Sweetie, you're the only part
of my life I know is right.
No, you're not gonna die, baby.
I'll fix it.
[grunts]
No, of course I'll be careful.
No, I'll be fine!
Monarch, I'm 9--
Monarch?
Baby? Baby!
Don't worry, my love.
I'm coming.
PHANTOM LIMB:
Time?
Two minutes. One more run,
and the vault is clean.
Make it quick.
Chance, to the bridge.
I've one last errand.
[grunts]
Now's our chance, boys!
Showtime.
Good evening...
[gasps]
...Phantom Limb.
Investors!
T-the Sovereign didn't say
you would be here, my lieges.
Is that who told you to pull this?
I--yes.
[chuckles nervously]
We're, uh, all on the
same team now.
Thank you.
This conversation has been
most informative.
[ Electricity crackles ]
[alarm blaring ]
IMPOSSIBLE:
Hamilton, trouble in River City.
[indistinct shouting]
Go, Team Venture!
Actio-o-o-o-o-o-o-n!
Eat this, you fatty!
Gah! You bastard!
SALLY:
Richard. Wha--
Why are you doing this?
N-not Richard-Professor Incorrigible.
Rose! The "Meet Me in St. Louis"!
Rodney, I haven't done
that move in years.
Then it's time for a revival, baby.
W-what?
Oh! Oh, dear.
Aah!
Werner? Zero?
Where the deuce are you?!
BROCK:
Wait! I know now!
You're that henchman
I kicked holy hell out of.
I hench...for no--
[laughs ] And then you got
all big-pants and you thought
you could be your own
supervillain or something.
Right...henchman?
[laughing]
Oh ho ho.
It is going to be a pleasure
killing you, Agent Samson.
This is for all the henchmen
everywhere.
[ Loud bang ]
Huh? What was that?
Wait--what are you--
[crack]
Oh ho!
Brock! I'm here to--
[ neck snaps]
[ Loud bang ]
The hell's going on out there?
[indistinct shouting,
loud bang ]
Now, those would be asteroids.
[indistinct shouting]
[loud banging]
[ Crowd screaming ]
I don't believe it.
I've been double-crossed.
Possibly triple!
[ Loud bang ]
There's another one.
That's not a speed bump.
Those sound like asteroids.
Sweet mercy! The shield must have
failed!
Don't look at me!
That shield was flawless
when I gave it to you.
Bridge! Come in, bridge!
Communication is down,
as well.
Is there, like, anything we can do?
Of course there is! We're Ventures!
He means,
"is there anything we can do
about getting the hell out of here?"
Rust, you and Dean moon up
for a manual reboot
on those shields of yours.
I'll see what I can do from the bridge.
Oh, What the hell.
ALL:
Go, Team Venture!
And team Timothy Treister!
Oh! They're getting
murderized out there!
How the hell is Sovereign doing this?
RED MANTLE:
Who knows?
The man's gone crazy--
driven to desperation
by the sinister machinations
of the Investors.
We of the old guard are just as troubled
by this gross violation
of Guild law as yourselves.
[gasps]
And we can no longer stand for...
[muttering weakly]
If you are prepared
to offer us full immunity,
we are prepared
to tell you where he is.
[ Ice cubes clink,
liquid pours]
Surprised?
Here. Sit down before you fall down.
Here's the best part
of being a supervillain.
Every now and then, we get to
pull off our rubber mask,
lay out our sinister plot,
and explain how you're gonna die.
Classic stuff.
Oh, yeah, I know this one.
So I go, "Dr. Venture Sr.
I knew it all along."
But you didn't know.
My plan was so clever,
so cunning--
Shut up. Just shut up!
I don't have time for this.
Righto. As you wish.
I'm fucking dying,
so if you want to play
the cliché movie-ending game,
here is my dying speech.
You're not Jonas or Bowie.
You're a shapeshifting nobody
who's in over his head.
And now your house of cards
is toppling.
So, how am I doing?
Great. That's about it.
So, I guess I'll just move on
with my clichés.
Self-destruct button.
Soon, all of this goes boom--
you, the O.S.I.,
who'll be here any second.
That about cover
all the villain clichés?
[sighs]
Dying request?
Oh, right. Good one. Okay, shoot.
[sighs]
Can you spare Gargantua-2?
My husband is up there.
Hm. Touching, but no.
Too late for that.
The Investors have to go,
so Gargantua-2 has to go.
So you signed a deal
with the devil,
and now you want to welch on it.
Right? The head of a global
evil organization is a bad man.
Who'd have guessed? Total shocker.
Well, got to fly, love.
Wait. One more thing.
Who are you really?
Just some bloke who wanted to be
anyone but himself.
Toodles.
[shrieks]
ORPHEUS: Bedlam has broken out
athwart the kingdom of Venture!
Stay at it, my loyal order!
I'm not paying my portion
of the rent this month!
Just sayin'.
[ Explosion ]
We are losing this noble fight!
What is taking Mr. Hatred
so long with the fire brigade?!
[sirens wailing]
Hey! Hey! Over here!
[tires squealing ]
Over--around back!
[ Klaxon blaring ]
Oh, god!
Oh!
[ Both grunting ]
It's no use! Someone's sealed
the entire station.
Put your tiny, little back into it!
[ Groans ]
I've nothing left.
It's the cancer. It's beaten me.
We can't let our cancers
beat us!
Ohhhh!
Cancer makes me mad!
You won't like me when I'm mad!
[snarling ]
That damn pee-pee cancer!
T-t-t-there's something
happening to you!
Why won't it leave
my prostate alone?!
[ snarls ]
Hot dog! Treister's a Hulk!
Good lord. You've been--
well, belted by gamma rays,
I suspect.
Treister has overwhelming
desire to smash!
It's compulsion!
Smash?
Treister smash!
[ Loud bang ]
[ Roars ]
DR. VENTURE: I don't remember this being
so confusing when I made it.
You had a bunch of interns make it.
To my exact specifications, Dean!
It's a double thumb release
and a twist, like I specified.
Maybe you need to try
something else?
I know what I'm doing!
I mean, you know that, right--
that I know what I'm doing?
Pop, I'm in a space suit
helping my dad fix a ray shield
in outer space.
I'm impressed.
I'm scared out of my mind,
but, oh, I'm impressed.
Thanks. I didn't know.
Well, I knew I was impressive,
but I didn't know you knew it.
Pop!
Aaaaaaaah!
Crackin'!
What was-w-
dad?!
I've learned
not to ask.
W-wait--didn't the interns
that made this
have two sets of arms?
All right, I didn't technically make it.
Stop rubbing it in already.
No, I mean the manual-reset switch
might be made for four arms.
That's--
Oh.
Uh...give it a try.
[ Both grunt]
DOC:
Well, Dean, now I'm impressed.
Well, I knew that I was impressive,
but I wasn't sure you knew it.
Way to go, Rust!
Looks like we might just
live through this after-
[alarms blaring ]
Agh.
What is wrong, Killinger?
Things not going according to plan?
Caecius. Skiron. Lips.
How are you, mein brothers?
You should not have meddled
in our affairs.
Nein.
It is you who have forgotten your place.
We were never meant
to rule over these mortals.
They are but fools.
This is true.
And you shall perish with them.
Then it begins.
QUIZBOY:
Mom, if we're all gonna die here,
you got to tell me
how you did all that stuff.
Ooh. I-I suppose it's
high time I told you.
Your mother used to be a--
[loud rumbling ]
...a professional dancer!
Attention, passengers,
this is Jonas Venture Jr.
I thank you for your patience.
Unfortunately, the, uh...
nuclear reactors have, uh--
Oh, my.
Uh, no biggie.
So, uh, this is a precautionary
evacuation.
[ Crowd screaming ]
Thank you.
You heard the man!
This vessel be sinkin'!
Man the lifeboats!
Agh! Leave me. I think my hip's broke.
Only slow you dow--
What do you mean, "secret deal
with the Sovereign"?
I did it for us!
He promised us the Council!
Weren't you all tired of living
in that--that crack den?
Richard, are you coming?
Wh--really? You'd have me back?
No, idiot.
But I'm not about to let our son
lose his father
because he joined the LARP Society.
Hank, come on!
Wait! We got to find
Pop and Dean!
Then we better skedaddle!
[whistles ]
Hop on, Cornflower!
[timer beeping]
[grunts]
[sighs]
Everybody, freeze! Guild Resistance!
Where did David Bowie go?
He's not David Bowie.
Oh, great. All my signed albums
just became worthless.
Hey, is that big clock
what I think it is?
Yeah.
So, you guys bring cyanide tablets?
Because I [coughs]
don't recommend shooting yourself.
Please--you know
what's always installed
after a self-destruct button?
Center square.
Shadoe Stevens to block.
I'm gonna say...
"escape pod"?
And circle gets the square!
Oh, come on! I'm not wearing ear
protection!
Nice.
We're fixin' to set sail,
Chairman. Where are ye?
Captain, you know the Captain
always goes down with his ship.
Eh...
Oh. I meant me, Captain,
not you, Captain.
You should get out of here
immediately.
[sighs]
They'll never get
to a safe distance in time.
Treister Hulk?
If you're ready to meet the Star People,
I've got one more thing
for you to smash.
MONARCH:
All right.
I've given this
a lot of thought.
I really didn't think I'd get
a chance to say this, but...
[inhales deeply]
...is it Lance Burton?
Yes! W-wow!
Mind blown!
[cellphone rings]
Ba-tooo!
[cellphone beeps]
Sweetie?! Where are you?!
I'm rescuing you!
How?
Accidentally! Brace yourself!
[Clank]
Oh, I didn't even think we had a chance.
He's all freakin'--
W-what's up
with those guys?
[ lightsabers clashing ]
You have destroyed...
The Guild.
No.
I have saved it.
[slash ]
[gasps]
Ah. There you are--right on time.
DR. VENTURE: What the hell?
W-why are they all leaving?
I fixed their damn shield.
[ Metal creaking ]
JONAS:
Rust, I'm taking the reactor
for a little joyride into history.
You're gonna have to let go now.
DR. VENTURE:
So...this is...it?
This is it.
Speak well of me, big bro.
And, well...
Go, Team Venture.
Hey, Doc.
'Bout ready to go home?
[glass shattering ]
Yaaaaaaaaah!
Shove it, cancer!
Uh, he is gonna get out
at the last minute, right?
There. All better.
[ Groans ]
Uh...
[grunts]
What the hell is
Phantom Limb doing here?
You are all exactly where your
paths took you.
This day has tested each of you.
I...fear I've failed.
Nonsense. There is no failure
when you are true to yourself.
But I betrayed the Revenge Society.
Because, in your truest heart,
you wish to serve
on the Council of 13.
Well, I hate to burst your bubble,
but there isn't one anymore.
Isn't there?
I count 13 chairs in this room.
Where did he go?
[laughs]
Sweet!
The Monarch is on the Council of-
Not you.
[ Echoes ]
I love you.
[as J.J.]
Chirp.
[footsteps ]
[ Clears throat]
How do you say goodbye to
a man like Jonas Venture Jr.?
Though he touched to many lives,
and packed so much living
into his short time
on terre firme...
[crying ]
Probably not what
J.J. had in mind
when he asked to be
buried on this spot...
Not that we have
anything to bury.
[crying ]
Oh stop, you didn't
even know him.
I let you down!
Yeah, you did.
I know how much
the little fellow
meant to you,
young Dean.
And that is why,
against my better judgement
and at great personal risk
I decided to use
all of my mystical powers...
to save him.
Anywho, before the
Chairman took me in
I was lost...
Literally lost at sea in
the awful Sargasso.
And whenever we
lost a crew member
we'd send him off proper...
with an old pirate dirge.
[ accordion plays ]
♪ Once there was this kid who... ♪
♪ He got into an accident ♪
♪ and he couldn't come to school ♪
♪ When he finally came back ♪
♪ His hair had turned from black
into bright white ♪
DOC: What the he...
Is that the Crash Test Dummies?
Good god!
You've gotta be kidding me!
Was this one of
J.J.'s last wishes too?
According to his Last Will and
Testament, I'm afraid so, yes.
♪ [Captain vocalizing ] ♪
[H.E.L.P.eR. plays music]
♪ Once, there was this girl who... ♪
♪ [continues singing] ♪
[engine sputters]
[engine sputtering]
Hey! Come on, man.
Show a little respect, huh?
Not today.
We're not arching. I'm just...
picking up my rental car.
Sorry for your loss.
Hey, is it cool if we use your
electric fence for a jump?
[exhales]
All right. Make it quick.
♪ [singing continues] ♪
♪ [all humming] ♪
Oh come on! Really?
I don't know what the hell
you're singing about.
Did you forget
we're all homeless now?
You needn't worry
about that, Dr. Venture.
Your brother's Will
has made allotments.
Let me guess...
He's regifting me
Spider Skull Island.
No...l'm afraid
Mrs. Impossible gets the Island
as well as a
rather generous inheritance.
Great...What's left?
The boat?
Only the multi-billion dollar
Venture Techno-Industries corporation,
its various subsidiaries...
and its brand new
headquarters in New York.
[thump]
♪ [theme music plays] ♪