The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - The Devil's Grip - full transcript
Dr. Venture is missing... presumed dead.
☺ Subbed By BARFNUTS ☺
[wind whistles]
[groans]
Huh?
HATRED:
Good morning.
Last night I drugged you boys
and had H.E.L.P.Er. take you
to your new homes.
As your bodyguard, I must
prepare you for the worst.
Your father
is most likely dead.
He was crushed to death
by a disco ball,
And his lifeless husk was
taken by The Monarch.
Your godfathers have the rest
of the info.
GENTLEMAN:
Get in, son. Welcome to Tangier.
They will raise you as their
own sons from here on out.
After! write these notes,
I plan on shooting myself,
then burning
the Venture estate down.
Not really, but, again,
that would be the worst,
and I want to prepare you
for the worst,
'cause I love you both.
Uncle Vatred.
Oh, good.
You're up. Here.
Put this on and meet me
out back.
Oh, and, uh, welcome
to Boca Raton.
[chuckles]
Son.
ACTION MAN:
Poor little guy.
HANK:
ls that your... pet?
Blackie died 15 years ago.
That's Entmann -- first of
Team Venture to go.
Gosh, I'm awful sorry.
"You are my pal, and you are
my friend.
And your weird body,
to heaven, I send.
When you were massive
and full of size,
you gave me council,
because you were wise.
Saying, 'Action Man,
take it down a notch.
Stop just thinking
with your Action crotch.'
And when you were shrunk down
to a little mole,
you were able to
swim laps in a little bowl.
Now you are dead
'cause of my chair.
I had no idea that
you were there.
When I rocked back in repose,
you died and began
to decompose."
[ sniffles ]
[zip]
Dude!
What are you doing?!
Venture tradition, son.
[Zip 1
Oh. Uh, should I--
Nope.
You're the youngest here.
You got to fertilize the ground
to represent new life.
Drop 'em and squat.
Now, now, son. That's not
a napkin, that's bread.
You scoop up your couscous
With it.
Sorry. I'm used
to bread-shaped bread.
Don't drink that.
Dysentery.
You'll be crapping your brains
out all over my antiques.
You'll learn the customs here
in no time.
I hope I don't have to.
I really think my dad's okay,
Mr. Gentleman.
"Mr. Gentleman"?
You call me Pop-Pop.
Rebuilding Team Venture,
old man?
Or just found yourself
a new plaything?
Hey, you remember me,
do you, laddie?
So, you might want to show me
a little more respect.
Respect?
You clowns were a joke
even before the Action Man
went to rehab.
Sorry, the old ears don't
hear so good anymore.
What was that?
- You heard me.
Dean, be a good boy and go
pick a song on the jukebox.
This man wants to dance
with your Pop-Pop.
Okay.
He's a little young...
even for you.
Are you sure you want to have
a fight?
'Cause I'm only go use
a thumb.
Uh... the left one.
The right one's
too powerful for you.
I'd love to see that.
[yells]
[breathing shakily]
I didn't specify my thumb.
[rustling ]
I know you're there.
You move, and I shoot.
Oh, no, Gary.
Please don't shoot me
with your stick.
Eh, it's all I --
Yeah, blah, blah.
Look, I need your help.
How'd you find me?
Idiot, you're camping
on our property.
How dumb do you think I am?
- Uh, very?
Yeah, I'd love to keep
playing this game with you,
but we got problems.
The Monarch has Doc.
- How did that happen?
Doc crashed a party
at Don Hell's.
Whoa!
Not smart.
Villain nightclub.
Bad people in there.
So, are you in?
I know it's touchy for you,
and you'll probably baby out
on me,
but I also know that you're
a good man...
under all that pudge.
Yeah, I'm pudgy.
And you're wearing
a bulletproof vest made from
an old couch, I assume.
Yeah, I'm in.
Let's bring him home.
[mimics gun cock]
Did you just cock your stick?
Yeah. Whatever.
So, I just -- so, what?
So, you ready?
I am gonna wet myself.
MRS. MONARCH:
Calm down! I'm almost done.
Hey, what about
putting him in the one
with a hungry rat in a cage
that he wears as a mask?
It'll eat his nose.
MRS. MONARCH:
I told you -- rats, piranhas,
sharks, and badgers are
too much hassle.
No animals.
- Okay!
Hey, what about just
straight-up flaying, huh?
But as a sinister twist --
ice knife?
Oh, put that one down.
Just wait for me to finish.
I can't wait.
I'm so excited!
All right.
All right, all right.
Calm down, now.
Work on the old list.
Nifty, nifty little listy.
Number 15 -- ice knife.
[sighs]
Okay, I'm calm now.
Everything's cool.
- Good.
Broken glass in ears,
question mark.
I just peed myself
a little.
Sweetie, please, relax.
I really
appreciate this.
I'm only doing it 'cause it's
against Guild regulations
to torture somebody
with an unattended injury.
Yeah, not buying it.
I know you're the softie here.
Not my first time
at the rodeo.
Rodeo's over, baldy.
You're hog-tied.
I'm just waiting
for my husband
to pick out a barbecue sauce
to spread on you.
- Ow!
- Yeah, dislocated. Figured.
[sighs]
I know you clowns aren't gonna do anything.
You never do.
Yeah, he may not be very good
at it, but he loves it,
and I love him, so you
better play along.
How about you
pop my hip back in place,
and I send you a little
tax-free donation?
You are gonna cry in agony if
my husband tickles you.
You will plea for your life if
he gives you a back rub.
You will try to escape
just so he can catch you.
Why... would I do that?
Because if you don't,
I will straight-up
just slit your throat.
[chuckles ]
No, no. You wouldn't do that.
- Don't underestimate a woman
in love, Dr. Venture.
So, you allergic
to epinephrine?
No, I'm not
allergic to any anesthetics.
And I'm not allergic
to hand lotion,
if you, uh, want to give me
a happy ending.
Nah.
[crack]
[ Screams ]
Don't start without me!
ACTION MAN: All right. Now, just
like we rehearsed, okay?
That's her.
That delicious piece of randy
candy over there.
Check.
Hello, Rose.
Uh, mind if I --
Yes, I was just leaving anyway.
[Sighs]
Okay,
Oh, dear.
What is the matter?
Oh, it's been a heck
of a year, Rose.
I-I lost my wife,
my best friend,
and now my -- my son is
hooked on rock 'n' roll.
Rock 'n' roll?!
Rodney, that's
the devil's music.
Hey, old man.
I was just playing my bass
at a volume
that's unreasonable.
Can you give me some money
to buy records
With clear warning labels?
Oh, Rose.
You got to help me
straighten him out.
You ain't never gonna stop me
from overly sexualized dancing
and dressing like an indigent.
Loud rock music!
The devil has a grip on you.
You've got to fight him, sweetie.
You have to fight him
with show tunes.
Show tunes?
If I play them backwards,
Will they make me want to try
reefer cigarette marijuanas?
Oh, heaven's no.
They will make you want
to solve problems in song.
And with dancing.
Gosh, I think I'd like
to get hooked on show tunes now.
I've been so wrong about everything.
You're the best father
in the world!
Aw, shucks, son.
I couldn't have done it
without Rose, here.
- You sure do make
a great team.
Hey, Pop, maybe she'd like
to have dinner with us?
Oh, don't be silly.
I'm sure Rose is very --
Oh, yes, young man, I would
love to dine with you.
GENTLEMAN: So, start the watch
when Salem comes on screen,
then stop it when he's off.
Then you write the time down
and indicate whether it was
that crappy puppet
or an actual cat.
Are all these tapes
"Sabrina, The Teenage Witch"?
Well, obviously, son.
It's the only show that starred
Salem the Cat.
Now, once you finish that,
you get to take dictation
for "I Gentleman,"
the third installment of my
autobiographical thrillogy.
GARY: Oh, look at this place.
Nothing changed.
Kept it just the way
I left it.
HATRED:
Hey, how far is the floor from my feet?
Oh, like a yard.
Aw, they got me a Guild
Calamity Conference shirt.
[thud]
Yard.
That was like 5 feet.
Aww, it says
I'm his best henchman.
It's a t-shirt.
So what?
You got any weapons?
- Under the bed.
The Ventures never gave me
a t-shirt.
Boo-hoo.
I tattooed a "V" on my face,
And I still got to pay
for my own food.
Where's your costume?
- Why do you do it?
What? Bodyguard?
It's all the same.
Sergeant Hatred,
Uncle Vatred --
same old war horse fighting
for what he cares about.
Well, what do you
care about?
Fighting.
Yeah, just point me at a cause,
and I'll do the rest.
You know, I can't believe
we're so similar.
How come we never got close?
'Cause I don't trust you,
and 'cause you're a dork.
And this is a toy chest.
- That's a display cabinet
for collectibles, my friend.
It's at the bottom.
That's my old one.
It might still smell
like soup.
[ Grunts ]
That's horrible. What is that?
Soup.
MONARCH:
Okay. I'm so ready.
Let's do this.
- You wanna rehearse again?
No, I got this one down.
You just gotta remember that
after I do the sinister laugh,
cross your arms and look at me
like I'm the shit.
You want me to do the, uh...
No, no.
That's too "King and l."
Keep it believable.
[buzzing lips]
He fights the zeitgeist
with polite might.
[buzzing lips]
[ Inhales]
Okay. Showtime.
[Clank]
Hello, Dr. Venture.
Are you prepared to die?!
- Who's there?
Oh.
Why did you blindfold him?!
I'm all dressed up!
MONARCH:
We Westerners know nothing of torture.
We simply nail a man's balls
to a chair.
Where is the poetry?
Ah, in the East, they know
the exquisite beauty
of torture.
There they've turned a sound
that makes virgins weep
into a sound that makes a man
roar with suffering.
What?
Can't hear squat in here.
Where am I?
The bell!
[laughs maniacally]
DOC:
Labelle? Patti Labelle?
The Bell!
When rung at full peal,
the vibrations pierce the body
like sharp knives
that pull at the muscles
and burst the veins.
The bones twist and crack
in relative silence
to the cries of...
The Bell!
[laughs maniacally]
[bell ringing]
- Right there.
I pay how much to live
in a gated neighborhood,
and some loser cranks
a Mike Oldfield album?
What's next --
Pink Floyd?!
Have another toke, hippie.
What? Nothing?!
Are you serious?
What can I tell you?
I spent most of my childhood
in a supersonic jet.
[ Clears throat]
Oh, I mean, oh!
I think my kidneys burst!
Please, no more bursting
of my... kidneys.
[sighs]
The bell, dot, dot, dot, sucks.
Three exclamation points.
You're finished, Brainulo!
By now, Jonas and Otto have
realigned the missile.
It's over.
You may have bested
my judo lizards,
but you won't fare as well
with your next opponents.
We won't fight each other,
Brainulo!
E-Each other?
Aw...
I wish I thought of that.
Oh, it really seems obvious
now, doesn't it?
- It's all but a cliché, you idiot.
How did you miss that?
- I don't know.
But I did come up with
something more sinister.
Prepare yourself to fight...
your crushes --
Triple Threat
and Jass.
- Nobody for Humongoloid?
- Be realistic, big guy.
You're sweet on Jass, really?
Look at him.
He's like a blade
of sexual grass
swaying in the breeze.
Arrow straight,
believe it or not.
So, Triple Threat?
It's that goody-goody thing.
I just wanna get all animal
on her and show her my filth.
[ Doorbell rings]
GENTLEMAN: Was that the doorbell?
DEAN:
I think so. Do you wanna stop here?
[ dog barking]
GENTLEMAN: Mischa! Who's that, girl?
ls that Kiki?
ls that Kiki?
That's my puppy.
There's a girl.
[sniffles ]
All right, Dean. Put a pin in that story.
Have to have it out
with Kiki.
That Amber tramp's been
playing me for a fool.
I've been trying to drill Rose
for, like, 40 years.
It's like a damn obsession.
You grease those gears,
and you can name your price.
All right.
I'm gonna need $50 cash,
Stingray bass,
and a ride home,
'cause this whole place smells
like Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
- Done, done, and done.
- Super swear?
If you can get me time
with Rose,
I'll swear on the only thing
holy to me.
TOGETHER:
Go, Team Venture.
21?
Hey, so glad you're back, man.
This place sucks now.
Moppets?
Dude, they're pretty much
running crap in here.
[as #21]
Uh... hello.
What's that blue stuff
on your face?
It's, uh... ice.
Icicles.
[grunts]
W-T-FUCK are you doing?!
You made me hit a guy
on my softball team.
[normal voice]
Yeah, that was -- hey, you saved me.
I didn't think you would.
- Oh, dude, don't get all
Sarah McLachlan dog commercial
on me.
Uh, I'm not, I'm just...
Aww, get over here.
[sighs]
Can we hug later?
You've got to go to the cell
blocks on the lower level.
I'm gonna check the bridge.
- Check.
I won't let you down...
buddy.
Well, isn't that interesting.
[whirring ]
MONARCH: Oh, don't worry.
I'm not going
into that cavity.
That nerve's already dying.
A live, freshly cut nerve is
infinitely more sensitive.
[grunts]
- What?
I can smell your fear.
Ugh, and your fear smells
just like cat food.
Ugh!
Sorry, I had shrimp in garlic
butter last night.
I-I can't -- ugh.
It -- it's just really bad.
How do you even stand
having that be your mouth?
Ugh.
No. No.
GENTLEMAN:
Well, then just get out, then! I'm tired of it.
[ Moroccan accent]
Who this one?
Him new lover
for Mr. Gentleman?
That's my son.
Are you leaving, or should
I throw you out?
No. Kiki leave.
Kiki have new man.
Great! Have fun.
Maybe when he kicks
his coke habit,
your new man will kick you
like he does all his boys!
I... um... I arranged
the first two chapters for you
and then made a chapter
for your lists.
Yes. Yes, let's get back
to my lists.
If you want to talk
about this --
Colonel Gentleman's List
of Things Not to Do.
Number one -- get involved
with a person 1/3 your age.
You hear me, Dean?
Uh, I can safely promise that I won't
get involved with a 6-year-old.
Number two --
retire to a country
where your sexual preference
is a capital offense.
Number three --
stay past your welcome.
This place used to be
a paradise.
That pretty peacock
Yves Saint Laurent
lived right there.
Burroughs, Capote, Forbes,
Kerouac, Ginsberg --
ah, Ginsberg,
that eager little puppy.
I miss 'em.
They're all gone, Dean.
And here I am.
Should I be writing
this down?
Yes, but not for my memoirs.
For me, so I can look
at my life.
What am I doing here?
Doc'?
Psst. Doc?
You in here?
[gun cocks]
MOPPET: Looking for someone?
Where's Doc?
He's being tortured
by The Monarch and 21.
You're such a sucker, man.
Fat boy been playing you
the whole time.
He would never --
you're lying!
Whatever.
Show this man out...
and treat him appropriately --
use the garbage chute.
[yells]
Show me the garbage chute,
will you?
You're the garbage here!
You're a bunch of lying...
garbage people.
Where the hell is everybody?
Well, hello, traitor.
Security to the throne room.
Well, look who it is.
Yeah, I was tipped off
by your new best friend.
I gave him Dr. Venture
and he sold you out
like you were nothing,
so why don't you
put these on
and we'll go have
a chat with The Monarch?
All right, yeah.
Let's.
Let's show him how you two are
taking over the cocoon.
He'll never believe you.
Oh, he'll believe his
best henchman
over a lying murderer.
I know it was you guys.
[ Door opens ]
Seize the traitor!
Wait! The Moppets have
broken our most sacred law.
They killed henchman 24.
Hench has killed hench.
Hench has killed hench.
Hench has killed hench.
ALL: [chanting]
Hench has killed hench...
We didn't!
He's a liar and a traitor!
Seize him!
- ALL: Hench has killed hench.
I can prove he's lying.
Idiots! He's getting away!
[ Sighs ]
Forget it.
We looked everywhere for that
goddamn extension cord.
I'm done. I'm done.
- What are you doing?
I'm untying you
and letting you go.
About time
Team Venture rescued me.
Nobody came
to rescue you.
Look, nobody even answered
my ransom calls.
Well, maybe if you
hold me longer.
I -- I'm sure somebody's
working on a rescue plan.
Forget it. We lose.
We're wash-ups. Losers.
You know my best henchman
left me?
Yeah. He's been hanging
around my place.
That wouldn't have happened
if Brock was still around.
Be happy you don't have
dwarves taking over your life.
[ Scoffs ]
You haven't met my brother, apparently.
Oh, yeah.
He's really doing well, huh?
Yeah, I have that
with my wife.
She was just tapped for the
Council of 13,
so my old number two
will be my boss.
That's nothing.
My new bodyguard is
my old archenemy.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, that's messed up.
All right. Well...
Guess you should just go home.
Can you even call it
a home?
Is it just a box full
of memories?
All right.
Um... can I get a ride?
No, no. Can't.
I gotta tell the wife
you escaped and...
well, you understand.
Yeah, no.
So, uh... should I just...
Yeah, let yourself out.
Uh, break a couple of things.
Make it look good.
God. I liked being tortured
more than this here.
This is... ugh.
I'm just so damn lonely, Rose.
Let's give it a shot.
We're just too different, Rodney.
You're a womanizer
and a junkie.
Oh, no.
That all ended.
I was faithful to Jeannie
'til the day she died.
And junkie?
I-l was a dang super soldier.
Jonas had me on jump juice
for the good of flag
and country.
I kicked that years ago.
Rodney, that's just a bushel
of baloney.
[gasps]
Wait a minute. That voice!
I-I finally figured out
why you're so familiar.
Do you have a son
named Billy?
Uh, big head, eye patch,
metal hand,
probably a midget?
Yes.
Oh, my little water baby.
Oh, I haven't seen him
in years.
He moved in with a man.
I think he was afraid
I'll disapprove of his...
lifestyle choice.
I don't even know
where he is anymore.
Well, I do.
He's my neighbor.
Hey, how about you two
come visit me back home?
You and Uncle Rodney
and my new bass
and your little water baby
can have a nice reunion.
Yes. Well, that sounds
just elegant.
HATRED:
All right, Gary.
Judas. Betray me, will you?
Oh, ho, a reckoning's coming, buddy.
A reckoning is coming!
Sweetie, Dr. Venture escaped!
No, he didn't.
I let him go.
What? Are you okay?
Why did you let him go?
Because I broke him!
I broke his will!
I broke his spirit.
Oh, my lovely,
naive little girl,
how easy it is
to break a bone,
but to break a man's heart --
that takes genius.
Physical torture?
Wounds heal.
But mental torture?
Those wounds only grow
and fester.
I have crushed
Dr. Venture!
[laughs maniacally]
You know I'm the shit!
- I am so turned on.
You have to do me
right now.
Come.
Service your evil genius.
[ Door opens ]
Oh, uh... hey, you guys
I'm, uh... I'm home?
HATRED:
Attention, Gary.
It's your old pal,
Sergeant Hatred.
Come out with your hands up,
or I will --
Oh. Oh, that's a missile.
Oh, boy.
That is on all kinds of fire.
It's heading for the house
and it is on fire.
Gary, I still hate you,
but you gotta get out
of there!
You got to evacuate, man!
Oh, the humanity!
I-I'm just gonna go now
and, uh...
we'll pick this up
another time.
[coughs]
What the fuck was that?
Our cocoon.
[coughs]
That sucked.
Who the fuck is Gary?
[ Up-tempo music plays]
[ car doors close ]
MRS. MONARCH:
Oh, it's so romantic.
We're moving into the house
you were raised in.
It's like a fairy tale.
Uh, it didn't look quite this
bad when I was a kid.
Yeah, it looks like
the kind of place
that has creepy, wet Asian kids
crawling on the ceiling.
He's a lying, two-timing
little so-and-so,
and I broke bread with him!
I even broke heads with him.
You can't
take it personally.
Oh, just watch me!
Just play along.
It's not gonna kill you.
Why would you
tell your mom I'm gay?
I didn't tell her.
I just didn't deny it.
She sent us that China
and the sideboard.
White, you love
that sideboard.
So, this is Peter.
He's as handsome as you said
he was, Billy.
You said I was handsome?
Yeah, it's a little brownstone
on Christopher Street.
You can bring Rose.
What do you say?
If you don't mind the sound
of old people having sex,
you've got yourself
a roommate.
Dean, you look like
someone died.
This is a funeral, Hank.
No, I mean, like,
all the time.
You've been a mess
this whole year, man.
You've got to tell me
what's eating you.
You want to know, Hank?
Okay, fine.
I'm sick of keeping it in,
so I'll just tell you.
[sighs]
We... are... clones, Hank.
Our whole lives --
it's a lie.
We're not really Hank and Dean anymore.
We've died like 13 times,
and now we're copies of ourselves.
We're clones.
Clones.
Dean...
that is awesome.
You're --
you're not upset?
About what?!
That I'm, like,
some kind of super-cool,
probably magic,
Highlander cyborg clone?!
Uh, no.
Hey, just one more reason
it's great to be a Venture.
ACTION MAN:
Goodbye, old friend.
Hope you're happy
in your new resting place.
Okay, who's the youngest?
Don't look at me.
Dean, son!
We need you over here.
Oh, you're gonna love this.
[wind whistles]
[groans]
Huh?
HATRED:
Good morning.
Last night I drugged you boys
and had H.E.L.P.Er. take you
to your new homes.
As your bodyguard, I must
prepare you for the worst.
Your father
is most likely dead.
He was crushed to death
by a disco ball,
And his lifeless husk was
taken by The Monarch.
Your godfathers have the rest
of the info.
GENTLEMAN:
Get in, son. Welcome to Tangier.
They will raise you as their
own sons from here on out.
After! write these notes,
I plan on shooting myself,
then burning
the Venture estate down.
Not really, but, again,
that would be the worst,
and I want to prepare you
for the worst,
'cause I love you both.
Uncle Vatred.
Oh, good.
You're up. Here.
Put this on and meet me
out back.
Oh, and, uh, welcome
to Boca Raton.
[chuckles]
Son.
ACTION MAN:
Poor little guy.
HANK:
ls that your... pet?
Blackie died 15 years ago.
That's Entmann -- first of
Team Venture to go.
Gosh, I'm awful sorry.
"You are my pal, and you are
my friend.
And your weird body,
to heaven, I send.
When you were massive
and full of size,
you gave me council,
because you were wise.
Saying, 'Action Man,
take it down a notch.
Stop just thinking
with your Action crotch.'
And when you were shrunk down
to a little mole,
you were able to
swim laps in a little bowl.
Now you are dead
'cause of my chair.
I had no idea that
you were there.
When I rocked back in repose,
you died and began
to decompose."
[ sniffles ]
[zip]
Dude!
What are you doing?!
Venture tradition, son.
[Zip 1
Oh. Uh, should I--
Nope.
You're the youngest here.
You got to fertilize the ground
to represent new life.
Drop 'em and squat.
Now, now, son. That's not
a napkin, that's bread.
You scoop up your couscous
With it.
Sorry. I'm used
to bread-shaped bread.
Don't drink that.
Dysentery.
You'll be crapping your brains
out all over my antiques.
You'll learn the customs here
in no time.
I hope I don't have to.
I really think my dad's okay,
Mr. Gentleman.
"Mr. Gentleman"?
You call me Pop-Pop.
Rebuilding Team Venture,
old man?
Or just found yourself
a new plaything?
Hey, you remember me,
do you, laddie?
So, you might want to show me
a little more respect.
Respect?
You clowns were a joke
even before the Action Man
went to rehab.
Sorry, the old ears don't
hear so good anymore.
What was that?
- You heard me.
Dean, be a good boy and go
pick a song on the jukebox.
This man wants to dance
with your Pop-Pop.
Okay.
He's a little young...
even for you.
Are you sure you want to have
a fight?
'Cause I'm only go use
a thumb.
Uh... the left one.
The right one's
too powerful for you.
I'd love to see that.
[yells]
[breathing shakily]
I didn't specify my thumb.
[rustling ]
I know you're there.
You move, and I shoot.
Oh, no, Gary.
Please don't shoot me
with your stick.
Eh, it's all I --
Yeah, blah, blah.
Look, I need your help.
How'd you find me?
Idiot, you're camping
on our property.
How dumb do you think I am?
- Uh, very?
Yeah, I'd love to keep
playing this game with you,
but we got problems.
The Monarch has Doc.
- How did that happen?
Doc crashed a party
at Don Hell's.
Whoa!
Not smart.
Villain nightclub.
Bad people in there.
So, are you in?
I know it's touchy for you,
and you'll probably baby out
on me,
but I also know that you're
a good man...
under all that pudge.
Yeah, I'm pudgy.
And you're wearing
a bulletproof vest made from
an old couch, I assume.
Yeah, I'm in.
Let's bring him home.
[mimics gun cock]
Did you just cock your stick?
Yeah. Whatever.
So, I just -- so, what?
So, you ready?
I am gonna wet myself.
MRS. MONARCH:
Calm down! I'm almost done.
Hey, what about
putting him in the one
with a hungry rat in a cage
that he wears as a mask?
It'll eat his nose.
MRS. MONARCH:
I told you -- rats, piranhas,
sharks, and badgers are
too much hassle.
No animals.
- Okay!
Hey, what about just
straight-up flaying, huh?
But as a sinister twist --
ice knife?
Oh, put that one down.
Just wait for me to finish.
I can't wait.
I'm so excited!
All right.
All right, all right.
Calm down, now.
Work on the old list.
Nifty, nifty little listy.
Number 15 -- ice knife.
[sighs]
Okay, I'm calm now.
Everything's cool.
- Good.
Broken glass in ears,
question mark.
I just peed myself
a little.
Sweetie, please, relax.
I really
appreciate this.
I'm only doing it 'cause it's
against Guild regulations
to torture somebody
with an unattended injury.
Yeah, not buying it.
I know you're the softie here.
Not my first time
at the rodeo.
Rodeo's over, baldy.
You're hog-tied.
I'm just waiting
for my husband
to pick out a barbecue sauce
to spread on you.
- Ow!
- Yeah, dislocated. Figured.
[sighs]
I know you clowns aren't gonna do anything.
You never do.
Yeah, he may not be very good
at it, but he loves it,
and I love him, so you
better play along.
How about you
pop my hip back in place,
and I send you a little
tax-free donation?
You are gonna cry in agony if
my husband tickles you.
You will plea for your life if
he gives you a back rub.
You will try to escape
just so he can catch you.
Why... would I do that?
Because if you don't,
I will straight-up
just slit your throat.
[chuckles ]
No, no. You wouldn't do that.
- Don't underestimate a woman
in love, Dr. Venture.
So, you allergic
to epinephrine?
No, I'm not
allergic to any anesthetics.
And I'm not allergic
to hand lotion,
if you, uh, want to give me
a happy ending.
Nah.
[crack]
[ Screams ]
Don't start without me!
ACTION MAN: All right. Now, just
like we rehearsed, okay?
That's her.
That delicious piece of randy
candy over there.
Check.
Hello, Rose.
Uh, mind if I --
Yes, I was just leaving anyway.
[Sighs]
Okay,
Oh, dear.
What is the matter?
Oh, it's been a heck
of a year, Rose.
I-I lost my wife,
my best friend,
and now my -- my son is
hooked on rock 'n' roll.
Rock 'n' roll?!
Rodney, that's
the devil's music.
Hey, old man.
I was just playing my bass
at a volume
that's unreasonable.
Can you give me some money
to buy records
With clear warning labels?
Oh, Rose.
You got to help me
straighten him out.
You ain't never gonna stop me
from overly sexualized dancing
and dressing like an indigent.
Loud rock music!
The devil has a grip on you.
You've got to fight him, sweetie.
You have to fight him
with show tunes.
Show tunes?
If I play them backwards,
Will they make me want to try
reefer cigarette marijuanas?
Oh, heaven's no.
They will make you want
to solve problems in song.
And with dancing.
Gosh, I think I'd like
to get hooked on show tunes now.
I've been so wrong about everything.
You're the best father
in the world!
Aw, shucks, son.
I couldn't have done it
without Rose, here.
- You sure do make
a great team.
Hey, Pop, maybe she'd like
to have dinner with us?
Oh, don't be silly.
I'm sure Rose is very --
Oh, yes, young man, I would
love to dine with you.
GENTLEMAN: So, start the watch
when Salem comes on screen,
then stop it when he's off.
Then you write the time down
and indicate whether it was
that crappy puppet
or an actual cat.
Are all these tapes
"Sabrina, The Teenage Witch"?
Well, obviously, son.
It's the only show that starred
Salem the Cat.
Now, once you finish that,
you get to take dictation
for "I Gentleman,"
the third installment of my
autobiographical thrillogy.
GARY: Oh, look at this place.
Nothing changed.
Kept it just the way
I left it.
HATRED:
Hey, how far is the floor from my feet?
Oh, like a yard.
Aw, they got me a Guild
Calamity Conference shirt.
[thud]
Yard.
That was like 5 feet.
Aww, it says
I'm his best henchman.
It's a t-shirt.
So what?
You got any weapons?
- Under the bed.
The Ventures never gave me
a t-shirt.
Boo-hoo.
I tattooed a "V" on my face,
And I still got to pay
for my own food.
Where's your costume?
- Why do you do it?
What? Bodyguard?
It's all the same.
Sergeant Hatred,
Uncle Vatred --
same old war horse fighting
for what he cares about.
Well, what do you
care about?
Fighting.
Yeah, just point me at a cause,
and I'll do the rest.
You know, I can't believe
we're so similar.
How come we never got close?
'Cause I don't trust you,
and 'cause you're a dork.
And this is a toy chest.
- That's a display cabinet
for collectibles, my friend.
It's at the bottom.
That's my old one.
It might still smell
like soup.
[ Grunts ]
That's horrible. What is that?
Soup.
MONARCH:
Okay. I'm so ready.
Let's do this.
- You wanna rehearse again?
No, I got this one down.
You just gotta remember that
after I do the sinister laugh,
cross your arms and look at me
like I'm the shit.
You want me to do the, uh...
No, no.
That's too "King and l."
Keep it believable.
[buzzing lips]
He fights the zeitgeist
with polite might.
[buzzing lips]
[ Inhales]
Okay. Showtime.
[Clank]
Hello, Dr. Venture.
Are you prepared to die?!
- Who's there?
Oh.
Why did you blindfold him?!
I'm all dressed up!
MONARCH:
We Westerners know nothing of torture.
We simply nail a man's balls
to a chair.
Where is the poetry?
Ah, in the East, they know
the exquisite beauty
of torture.
There they've turned a sound
that makes virgins weep
into a sound that makes a man
roar with suffering.
What?
Can't hear squat in here.
Where am I?
The bell!
[laughs maniacally]
DOC:
Labelle? Patti Labelle?
The Bell!
When rung at full peal,
the vibrations pierce the body
like sharp knives
that pull at the muscles
and burst the veins.
The bones twist and crack
in relative silence
to the cries of...
The Bell!
[laughs maniacally]
[bell ringing]
- Right there.
I pay how much to live
in a gated neighborhood,
and some loser cranks
a Mike Oldfield album?
What's next --
Pink Floyd?!
Have another toke, hippie.
What? Nothing?!
Are you serious?
What can I tell you?
I spent most of my childhood
in a supersonic jet.
[ Clears throat]
Oh, I mean, oh!
I think my kidneys burst!
Please, no more bursting
of my... kidneys.
[sighs]
The bell, dot, dot, dot, sucks.
Three exclamation points.
You're finished, Brainulo!
By now, Jonas and Otto have
realigned the missile.
It's over.
You may have bested
my judo lizards,
but you won't fare as well
with your next opponents.
We won't fight each other,
Brainulo!
E-Each other?
Aw...
I wish I thought of that.
Oh, it really seems obvious
now, doesn't it?
- It's all but a cliché, you idiot.
How did you miss that?
- I don't know.
But I did come up with
something more sinister.
Prepare yourself to fight...
your crushes --
Triple Threat
and Jass.
- Nobody for Humongoloid?
- Be realistic, big guy.
You're sweet on Jass, really?
Look at him.
He's like a blade
of sexual grass
swaying in the breeze.
Arrow straight,
believe it or not.
So, Triple Threat?
It's that goody-goody thing.
I just wanna get all animal
on her and show her my filth.
[ Doorbell rings]
GENTLEMAN: Was that the doorbell?
DEAN:
I think so. Do you wanna stop here?
[ dog barking]
GENTLEMAN: Mischa! Who's that, girl?
ls that Kiki?
ls that Kiki?
That's my puppy.
There's a girl.
[sniffles ]
All right, Dean. Put a pin in that story.
Have to have it out
with Kiki.
That Amber tramp's been
playing me for a fool.
I've been trying to drill Rose
for, like, 40 years.
It's like a damn obsession.
You grease those gears,
and you can name your price.
All right.
I'm gonna need $50 cash,
Stingray bass,
and a ride home,
'cause this whole place smells
like Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
- Done, done, and done.
- Super swear?
If you can get me time
with Rose,
I'll swear on the only thing
holy to me.
TOGETHER:
Go, Team Venture.
21?
Hey, so glad you're back, man.
This place sucks now.
Moppets?
Dude, they're pretty much
running crap in here.
[as #21]
Uh... hello.
What's that blue stuff
on your face?
It's, uh... ice.
Icicles.
[grunts]
W-T-FUCK are you doing?!
You made me hit a guy
on my softball team.
[normal voice]
Yeah, that was -- hey, you saved me.
I didn't think you would.
- Oh, dude, don't get all
Sarah McLachlan dog commercial
on me.
Uh, I'm not, I'm just...
Aww, get over here.
[sighs]
Can we hug later?
You've got to go to the cell
blocks on the lower level.
I'm gonna check the bridge.
- Check.
I won't let you down...
buddy.
Well, isn't that interesting.
[whirring ]
MONARCH: Oh, don't worry.
I'm not going
into that cavity.
That nerve's already dying.
A live, freshly cut nerve is
infinitely more sensitive.
[grunts]
- What?
I can smell your fear.
Ugh, and your fear smells
just like cat food.
Ugh!
Sorry, I had shrimp in garlic
butter last night.
I-I can't -- ugh.
It -- it's just really bad.
How do you even stand
having that be your mouth?
Ugh.
No. No.
GENTLEMAN:
Well, then just get out, then! I'm tired of it.
[ Moroccan accent]
Who this one?
Him new lover
for Mr. Gentleman?
That's my son.
Are you leaving, or should
I throw you out?
No. Kiki leave.
Kiki have new man.
Great! Have fun.
Maybe when he kicks
his coke habit,
your new man will kick you
like he does all his boys!
I... um... I arranged
the first two chapters for you
and then made a chapter
for your lists.
Yes. Yes, let's get back
to my lists.
If you want to talk
about this --
Colonel Gentleman's List
of Things Not to Do.
Number one -- get involved
with a person 1/3 your age.
You hear me, Dean?
Uh, I can safely promise that I won't
get involved with a 6-year-old.
Number two --
retire to a country
where your sexual preference
is a capital offense.
Number three --
stay past your welcome.
This place used to be
a paradise.
That pretty peacock
Yves Saint Laurent
lived right there.
Burroughs, Capote, Forbes,
Kerouac, Ginsberg --
ah, Ginsberg,
that eager little puppy.
I miss 'em.
They're all gone, Dean.
And here I am.
Should I be writing
this down?
Yes, but not for my memoirs.
For me, so I can look
at my life.
What am I doing here?
Doc'?
Psst. Doc?
You in here?
[gun cocks]
MOPPET: Looking for someone?
Where's Doc?
He's being tortured
by The Monarch and 21.
You're such a sucker, man.
Fat boy been playing you
the whole time.
He would never --
you're lying!
Whatever.
Show this man out...
and treat him appropriately --
use the garbage chute.
[yells]
Show me the garbage chute,
will you?
You're the garbage here!
You're a bunch of lying...
garbage people.
Where the hell is everybody?
Well, hello, traitor.
Security to the throne room.
Well, look who it is.
Yeah, I was tipped off
by your new best friend.
I gave him Dr. Venture
and he sold you out
like you were nothing,
so why don't you
put these on
and we'll go have
a chat with The Monarch?
All right, yeah.
Let's.
Let's show him how you two are
taking over the cocoon.
He'll never believe you.
Oh, he'll believe his
best henchman
over a lying murderer.
I know it was you guys.
[ Door opens ]
Seize the traitor!
Wait! The Moppets have
broken our most sacred law.
They killed henchman 24.
Hench has killed hench.
Hench has killed hench.
Hench has killed hench.
ALL: [chanting]
Hench has killed hench...
We didn't!
He's a liar and a traitor!
Seize him!
- ALL: Hench has killed hench.
I can prove he's lying.
Idiots! He's getting away!
[ Sighs ]
Forget it.
We looked everywhere for that
goddamn extension cord.
I'm done. I'm done.
- What are you doing?
I'm untying you
and letting you go.
About time
Team Venture rescued me.
Nobody came
to rescue you.
Look, nobody even answered
my ransom calls.
Well, maybe if you
hold me longer.
I -- I'm sure somebody's
working on a rescue plan.
Forget it. We lose.
We're wash-ups. Losers.
You know my best henchman
left me?
Yeah. He's been hanging
around my place.
That wouldn't have happened
if Brock was still around.
Be happy you don't have
dwarves taking over your life.
[ Scoffs ]
You haven't met my brother, apparently.
Oh, yeah.
He's really doing well, huh?
Yeah, I have that
with my wife.
She was just tapped for the
Council of 13,
so my old number two
will be my boss.
That's nothing.
My new bodyguard is
my old archenemy.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, that's messed up.
All right. Well...
Guess you should just go home.
Can you even call it
a home?
Is it just a box full
of memories?
All right.
Um... can I get a ride?
No, no. Can't.
I gotta tell the wife
you escaped and...
well, you understand.
Yeah, no.
So, uh... should I just...
Yeah, let yourself out.
Uh, break a couple of things.
Make it look good.
God. I liked being tortured
more than this here.
This is... ugh.
I'm just so damn lonely, Rose.
Let's give it a shot.
We're just too different, Rodney.
You're a womanizer
and a junkie.
Oh, no.
That all ended.
I was faithful to Jeannie
'til the day she died.
And junkie?
I-l was a dang super soldier.
Jonas had me on jump juice
for the good of flag
and country.
I kicked that years ago.
Rodney, that's just a bushel
of baloney.
[gasps]
Wait a minute. That voice!
I-I finally figured out
why you're so familiar.
Do you have a son
named Billy?
Uh, big head, eye patch,
metal hand,
probably a midget?
Yes.
Oh, my little water baby.
Oh, I haven't seen him
in years.
He moved in with a man.
I think he was afraid
I'll disapprove of his...
lifestyle choice.
I don't even know
where he is anymore.
Well, I do.
He's my neighbor.
Hey, how about you two
come visit me back home?
You and Uncle Rodney
and my new bass
and your little water baby
can have a nice reunion.
Yes. Well, that sounds
just elegant.
HATRED:
All right, Gary.
Judas. Betray me, will you?
Oh, ho, a reckoning's coming, buddy.
A reckoning is coming!
Sweetie, Dr. Venture escaped!
No, he didn't.
I let him go.
What? Are you okay?
Why did you let him go?
Because I broke him!
I broke his will!
I broke his spirit.
Oh, my lovely,
naive little girl,
how easy it is
to break a bone,
but to break a man's heart --
that takes genius.
Physical torture?
Wounds heal.
But mental torture?
Those wounds only grow
and fester.
I have crushed
Dr. Venture!
[laughs maniacally]
You know I'm the shit!
- I am so turned on.
You have to do me
right now.
Come.
Service your evil genius.
[ Door opens ]
Oh, uh... hey, you guys
I'm, uh... I'm home?
HATRED:
Attention, Gary.
It's your old pal,
Sergeant Hatred.
Come out with your hands up,
or I will --
Oh. Oh, that's a missile.
Oh, boy.
That is on all kinds of fire.
It's heading for the house
and it is on fire.
Gary, I still hate you,
but you gotta get out
of there!
You got to evacuate, man!
Oh, the humanity!
I-I'm just gonna go now
and, uh...
we'll pick this up
another time.
[coughs]
What the fuck was that?
Our cocoon.
[coughs]
That sucked.
Who the fuck is Gary?
[ Up-tempo music plays]
[ car doors close ]
MRS. MONARCH:
Oh, it's so romantic.
We're moving into the house
you were raised in.
It's like a fairy tale.
Uh, it didn't look quite this
bad when I was a kid.
Yeah, it looks like
the kind of place
that has creepy, wet Asian kids
crawling on the ceiling.
He's a lying, two-timing
little so-and-so,
and I broke bread with him!
I even broke heads with him.
You can't
take it personally.
Oh, just watch me!
Just play along.
It's not gonna kill you.
Why would you
tell your mom I'm gay?
I didn't tell her.
I just didn't deny it.
She sent us that China
and the sideboard.
White, you love
that sideboard.
So, this is Peter.
He's as handsome as you said
he was, Billy.
You said I was handsome?
Yeah, it's a little brownstone
on Christopher Street.
You can bring Rose.
What do you say?
If you don't mind the sound
of old people having sex,
you've got yourself
a roommate.
Dean, you look like
someone died.
This is a funeral, Hank.
No, I mean, like,
all the time.
You've been a mess
this whole year, man.
You've got to tell me
what's eating you.
You want to know, Hank?
Okay, fine.
I'm sick of keeping it in,
so I'll just tell you.
[sighs]
We... are... clones, Hank.
Our whole lives --
it's a lie.
We're not really Hank and Dean anymore.
We've died like 13 times,
and now we're copies of ourselves.
We're clones.
Clones.
Dean...
that is awesome.
You're --
you're not upset?
About what?!
That I'm, like,
some kind of super-cool,
probably magic,
Highlander cyborg clone?!
Uh, no.
Hey, just one more reason
it's great to be a Venture.
ACTION MAN:
Goodbye, old friend.
Hope you're happy
in your new resting place.
Okay, who's the youngest?
Don't look at me.
Dean, son!
We need you over here.
Oh, you're gonna love this.