The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - O.S.I. Love You - full transcript

☺ Subbed by Barfnuts ☺

[ice tinging]

My dear?

To us!

[ Scoffs ]
Couldn't have asked for a bigger target.

Hey, why don't you give me
a hard one?

Is that an invitation?

Orders are we take him
alive, Headshot.

Monstroso's got intel
we need.

Uh, well, what about
Hit Girl there?

No!
We need her alive, too.



Why? So you can
screw it up

and lose her
all over again, Samson?

- Hey, screw you, Headshot!
- Not even with his dick.

S'matter, Samson?
You still sweet on her?

Don't taunt him, babe.

Brock could never love such
an awful, lying bitch person.

Babe, what have
I told you?

No touching while I'm aiming.

Gonna be okay, sport?

Can't be easy for you to see
Molostro again.

I'm fine.
"Molostro?"

Yeah, it's my celebrity
couple name for them.

Or do you like "Monstrotov"
better?

All right, Sky Pilot.
Let them know we're here.



We seem to have
uninvited guests.

Shall I...
show them out?

No, my dear.

Come.
Let's give them a show.

BROCK:
Aaaaaarrghhh!

So, finally caught
The Big Bad Wolf

and Little Red Killing Hood.

Well, whoop-de-freakin'-doo!

Bet you're real proud
of yourself.

All in a day's work.

Work!
ls that what you call it?

More honest work than
whatever the hell you gestapo

federale I.A. Suit
jockeys do for a living!

Uh, okay.
Ah, just take it easy.

We're just trying to get
to the bottom of this.

Well, then you're asking
the wrong guy,

because I am clearly
a top!

Oh, a smart guy, huh?

All right, Einstein!
Do the math on this one --

how does on skinny redhead take
down an army of super agents

and a hundred-billion-dollar
hover-fortress?!

And how in the hell
do you lose a 12-foot man?!

Well [ exhales ]...
it wasn't easy.

BROCK: [sighs]
What a friggin' mess.

It's about to get
a whole lot messier.

Washington's sending
new misters up our ass.

BROCK:
So what are we gonna tell them?

GATHERS:
As little as possible.

After Cardholder and Doe?

I don't trust any of these
Mister Branch bastards.

Evening, General Gathers.
My name's Mr. Frost.

These are my associates,
Mr. Sample, and Master --

Master Yourname, sir.

Uh, it's an honor to meet you,
and“.okay.

Have to excuse the rookie.
Still in training.

He ain't a full mister yet --
hasn't earned his hat.

You know why we're here,
Gathers.

Washington wants
a full report

on this colossal
cluster-fudge.

We're gonna want to interview
all the key players.

Hmph! Fine!
Do your worst, you vultures!

GATHERS:
We've got nothing to hide.

SAMPLE:
All right. Let's start from the beginning.

GATHERS:
All right. First of all,

I want it on the record
that this operation

was a complete success.

We achieved our objective
with limited resistance

and zero casualties
on our side.

BROCK: The packages Were secured
and blindfolded for delivery.

We followed every security protocol.

FROST:
Every protocol?

Were you aware there were
uncleared civilians on board?

Was that the X-1 we passed
on deck on our way in?

Not at that time. No.

What the hell were they doing
there in the first place?

Well, I-I came for these.

So... you came to get
a boob job?

No, sir. These 48 triple-D's
are 100% natural.

Two big, pillowy gifts from
god, man, and super-science,

and he wanted to get
rid of them!

The Ventures here tagged
along for moral support.

Jonas Venture's brat?

Why the hell are you still
wasting O.S.I. resources

protecting that hump?
- Hey!

Why do you think I'd put
a washout like Hatred on him?

Hey! I'm only human!

I get these urges, you see?

And they got me on this
special medicine

to take the edge off
them, and uh...

I'll have to run
more tests to be certain,

but it's highly probable
the Nomolestol we put you on

is having an adverse
interaction

with the super-soldier serum
you received back in '88.

Super-soldier?
Him? Ha!

Hey, now!
I keep a straight face

every time you call yourself
a "super-scientist."

Well, frankly, I'm more
concerned about the boy here.

You been dipping into
Agent Hatred's meds, son?

What? These?

Nah, they're just falsies
built into the suit.

Do you have any meds
you could put him on?

He's been wearing that thing
for weeks.

He was the same way
with the Batman costume

I bought him when he was 10.

Yeah, only now he doesn't die
when he jumps off the roof.

No man can fight
his destiny.

Yeah, or your
stench.

You're really starting
to stink in there, Hank.

BROCK: No, no, they had
nothing to do with this.

I saw the Ventures
down there

on my way
to check on the prisoners.

I was antsy about having them
on board for too long,

so I wanted to start
the debriefing.

But there was a holdup.

Wait, wait, wait.
They held you up?

So that's when they escaped?

No, man.
That's a figure of speech.

Are you done with him yet?

[squishing ] Not yet, sir.
I'll let you know.

You'll let me know.

How long does it take
to strip-search a perp?

Dude, look at the size
of this guy.

Will you just let me
do my job here?

FROST:
You and the, uh, Russki,

you got quite a history,
don't you?

So when did you two lovebirds
first meet?

1986.
She was a gymnast.

Me and my first partner
were undercover

At the Goodwill Games.

See, we had intel
that the Siberian Husky

was planning
to strike there.

Sorry. Uh, Siberian...

Husky!
Learn your history, man.

He was the KGB's
deadliest assassin.

Guy was a living legend.

I should have paid more
attention.

I was... distracted.

What do you expect?
I was a rookie agent

on my first
major assignment.

[gun cocks]

[gunshot]

What I didn't realize
at the time was...

so was she.

And her father
had trained her well.

[spectators screaming ]

FROST:
Touching. Real touching.

So this dizzy dame's been
screwing up your noodle

since the first day
you laid eyes on her.

What are you getting at?

What's the real nature
of your relationship

with Molotov Cocktease,
Agent Samson?

Strictly professional.

Well, sure, we flirted
a little bit,

but what do you expect?
She was the babysitter.

More like your partner!

Or was she your lover?
- I was undercover!

I was infiltrating
her all-lady kill cadre.

Listen to me
very carefully --

I did not have sex
with that woman!

So that's why cut
your pud off

and got yourself a pair
of boobs, eh?

No, no. Not exactly.
But, uh, they came in handy.

Also saw a noticeable
improvement in my tips.

No! Not even the tip!
Look, I'm telling ya!

She wore this belt kind of thing
like a -- like a --

A stripper?!

Exotic dancer,
you misogynist!

You mean like the one
we found

when we tossed
your barracks?

That -- I, uh -- I was
gonna file that.

That's, uh... evidence.

Of what? Your schoolboy
crush on this chippy?

Admit it, Samson.

You're the one who busted her
out, aren't ya?

No! That's bullshit!

Then account for your
whereabouts when she escaped.

Right here!
Right where you're sittin'.

Well, sorry
about the getup.

Didn't have any jumpsuits
in size "stupid big."

You could at least have
laundered them.

Oh, yeah, that rookie's
a bit of a bed wetter.

I'll have the gals
in the uniform department

get right to work
on something more suitable.

You needn't bother.
I shan't be staying long.

FROST: So he told you, to your face,
he was planning to escape?

No, he told me he was
as good as dead already --

that the Guild would be
coming for him.

Said he was willing to tell me
anything I wanted to know.

And what do you want
in return?

I suppose a conjugal visit
is out of the question?

[ Sighs ]
Let's start with the Sovereign.

Mr. Bowie lives
in New York City.

Why don't you go there
and ask him yourself?

You and I both know

the Sovereign's
not really Bowie.

I met 'em both, and the real
Bowie can't turn into a hawk.

So who is he?

The man now known
as the Sovereign

was once just a petty
super criminal,

a talented but down-on-his-luck
shapeshifter.

He and the real Bowie
met in '72.

Rumor has it the creature
on the cover of Diamond Dogs

is actually an unaltered photo
of the Sovereign.

So, he just gave you
all of this?

That and more.

He may also have been
the woman beside Bowie

on the cover of Pin-Ups.

But you're asking the wrong
questions, Agent Samson.

If you really want to take down
the Guild,

you should start with
The Council.

- FROST: "The Council"?
- Of 13, yeah.

Monstroso said the Guild is
actually ruled by a committee.

Said if we checked the miniature
secret camera

in the pinky ring
we confiscated from him,

we'd find pictures of 'em.

- Did ya?
- Sort of.

They meet
only via tele-screen

to protect their anonymity,
even from each other.

These were taken at one
such meeting.

Recognize
any of the voices?

Only one. Councilman 4.

His shrill chuckle
and ludicrous habit

of punctuating his statements
with a bicycle horn

gave him away
as The Clue Clown.

[alarm blaring ]

Excuse me a sec.

- Talk to me.
- Hey, I'm not a bed wetter.

Whatever, Puddles.
What's going on?

Molotov escaped!

See, I'm not your man.
I didn't break Molotov out.

AMBER:
It was me.

If you're looking for someone
to blame, blame me.

I was the one guarding her.

There, there, hon.
Let it out.

I-I followed
all the procedures.

I gave her a full nozzle scan
and everything.

But I must've missed
something.

I was the one
who sounded the alarm.

So, uh, you might want
to write that down.

Amber and I were supposed
to take the jump jet to Napa

on a weekend pass.

You know how
air traffic to the coast can be

On a Friday night,
so I went to check on her.

And that's when I uncovered
her deadly deception.

Amber!
You're not a real blonde!

But I am!
See? This is blonde!

Maybe not gold,
but it wouldn't do

to go around calling myself
"Amber Dishwater,"

now, would it?

What else are you
lying about?

Hey, hey! I'll ask the
questions here, pretty boy.

DEAN:
All right! I admit it!

I did it!
Just me. No one else.

I let them out.
Both of them.

And I am not sorry.

FROST:
All right, kid.

You got your pop.
Now spill.

It's okay, sweetie.
Just tell the man the truth.

It was earlier today.

While Mr. Hatred was getting
his booby tests,

my dad dragged me along
on his nostalgia trip.

My dad got me
the internship, of course.

I was, uh, just about your
age at the time, and --

Ahh. Here it is!
Good old Number 5,

my lab away from lab.

[ Cooing ]

This, uh...
that wasn't here then.

Hey!
You not supposed be in here!

It's cool.
Got my backstage pass.

Yeah, fellow super-scientist.

Oh, you Dr. Venture.

Ah, you know
my work?

No, I used to live
in your backyard

with those SPHINX guys,
though.

Listen, you gotta go --
I gotta keep these primos

in complete isolation
at all time.

- "Primos"?
- Yes. Short for "premonition."

Yeah, they're all psychic
and stuff, you know?

[grunts]

Ah, that one pooped.
It just pooped.

No,no,no.
He's having a premonition!

You're very lucky
to witness one of these.

Take a look.
- Uh... thank you, no.

Oh, false alarm.

You know, like,
when you have a dream,

and in that dream you get,
like, a really good idea?

So you wake up,
and you write it down,

and when you read it
later on, you look at it,

and it's just a bunch
of bullshit.

That's kind of what
they do a lot.

So they just live in
these tanks?

Do you ever let them out?

[alarm blares]
DEAN: I don't know.

I-I felt a-a connection
with them.

I could tell they didn't
want to be there.

So when that alarm
went off,

I took advantage
of the confusion,

and I set them free.

Well, thanks for completely
wasting our time, kid.

- Sorry, sir, I --
- Not you. Him.

Now get back to work!

Call us when you got something
that isn't completely fruity!

Hellooooo, Sailor Boy!

I know you're busy
making the world safe

for democracy or whatever,
but I wanted to give you

something special
for our anniversary.

Mmm, hello, Sugarpop!
Hang on. Let me get ready.

- ALCHEMIST: I'm Waiting!
- Whoa, whoa, Whoa, Whoa./

T.M.I.!
Just stop already, please!

Don't you guys always say,
"anything you can remember,

no matter how inconsequential,
could be useful"?

I, uh -- yeah, but let's
just skip ahead.

[shudders]
- Ugh, fine.

I got off, the alarm went off,
yadda, yadda, yadda.

Hunter called a meeting.

Your target is equally
skilled in firearms,

bladed weapons,
and hand-to-hand ass-kicking!

She's also a master of disguise,

and right now, she could be
anywhere on this ship...

or anyone.

Ow! Ow!
Damn it, Shore Leave! Ow!

Shit!
Sorry, Afterburner.

With the helmet and, uh --
I thought you might be --

Thought I might be what?
A guy who's a little

embarrassed about
his horrible scars, maybe?

All right! Cut the chatter!

She was last seen
on level "C, "

so get down there
on the double!

- Yo-S-I!
- Go-S-I!

Go! Go, man!
- Where do you want me?

Out of my hair,
what's left of it.

Hatred, get these clowns
downstairs

And lock 'em
someplace safe, will ya?

Look, can't we
just go?

My plane is right outside.

Lockdown means locked down!

Airport's snowed in, okay?
Now scram!

Come on!
Put me in, coach!

Don't you have, like,
an Avengers department?

Maybe you could use
an Iron Man type?

Or an Iron Woman?

Hatred, I swear to God!
- FROST: What the hell

does any of this have to do
with Monstroso?

I was gettin' to that.
Hunter'd ordered me to stay here

in case Molotov tried
to spring him.

So I kept up
the interrogation.

All right, what can you
tell me about the investors?

Who are they?

What's their connection
to the Guild?

But he didn't like my line
of questioning too much.

[grunts]

BROCK:
[grunts]

MONSTROSO:
No!

[grunts]

No! No!

Help me!

Someone, help me!

FROST:
So he just disappeared into thin air, eh?

Where do you think
he went?

BROCK:
I didn't have time to think.

Yeah, that was kind
of my bad.

I led the team down to "C"
like Hunter said.

Unless it's Chinese
New Year,

she's definitely coming
this way.

All right, Shuttle-Cock,
Slap Chop, Bum Rush,

on my signal, you --
- There she is!

Nice, Tank Top.
You gave her an exit.

[marble rolling ]

[marble rolling ]

Aah!

[grunts]

[grunts]

[gunshots]

Aah!

Gah!

You should've
stayed in the closet.

You should've stayed dead.

[grunts]

But if it's a catfight
you want, sister,

you messed with
the wrong pussycat.

Meow.
[beeps]

H.E.L.P.eR.:
Be-be-beep!

Be-be-be-beep-be-be-be-beep!

Snoopy, transfer all power
to secondary engines!

Okay, I'll do that!

Nah, we didn't feel a thing!

OI' Hatred knows how to keep
his boys safe.

I had 'em holed up
in the one room

in this joint with
gyroscopic stabilizers.

THE NOZZLE:
The nozzle is now calibrating...

Ugh!
"Get in the panic room"!

"Stay in the X-'l"!

"Don't pee in your
strength suit"!

Ugh! I'm sick and tired
of the grown-ups always

stickin' me in the corner
when the action calls!

Nobody sticks Hank
in the corner!

It's a round room, Hank.
There aren't any corners.

Shut up, know-it-all!
And you shut up, too!

Okay, I'm up!

But you didn't keep them
safe, did you?

Dr. Venture, are you
ready to tell me

what happened to your
other son?

Uh, Hunk? Is it Hunk?
- Hank.

And no, I can't talk
about that.

I was napping at the time.

Hank sometimes gets these
notions in his noggin,

and there's just no
stoppin' him.

Hey, Molotov's
out there.

Looks like all those special
guys couldn't stop her, huh?

I'm the only one
who can stop her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no!

Hank, you're not going
anywhere.

All these things I can do,
all these powers,

I realize now why they were
given to me.

This is my destiny.

Hank, for the love of Mike,
just stay here, will ya?

Your destiny is to protect
your family!

I'm ranking officer.
I should go.

Aaaaaah!

Ah, geez, you got to be
kiddin' me.

You kind of are
my family, Uncle Vatred.

Eh, hello?

All right, super-kill-lady!

I am officially over my crush
on you!

This is a-a citizen's arrest!

Hank! Hank!
- I was too slow, damn it!

If I'd gotten there just
a minute earlier,

I could've saved him!

Instead, I had to find him
like that.

Hank!
Hank, are you okay?

[gasps]

Medic!
I need a medic down here!

B-Brock?
I-I can't move my legs.

Oh, god, Hank.
What did she do to you?

She -- she stole
my destiny.

She's got Hank's
strength suit.

GATHERS: Damn it! That's like
giving dynamite to a grendel!

Get in there, Samson!

She just opened the hangar
doors!

Go get her, son!
I'm right behind you!

Snoop! You have the bridge!

Uh, uh, okay, uh...

BROCK:
All right, Mol.

It's just you and me now.
Again.

Is that what you wanted?

[grunts]

Dammit!

Come on.

Come on!

Shh.
- FROST: You fell off?!

How the hell are you still
breathin' oxygen?

Friends in high
places.

Aaaaaaaaah!

[thud]

Beep-be-beep!

FROST: Oh, come on!
That's impossible!

What are you,
a friggin' superhero?

BROCK:
It's all part of the job, man.

Plus I was pissed.

I knew the only way to
end this was to take her out,

once and for all.

Hiya, Mol.

Samson.

I was wondering when
you'd show up to the party.

I was getting sick of talking
to your friends.

I thought you came
with a date.

Meh.
He's not as much fun as you.

Then let's dance.

Ooh. What? Did Joe Eszterhas
write that for you?

What happened next?

We made out like
Spider-Man and Mary Jane.

What do you think happened?
You saw the video.

I... did... my... duty.

- I found them!
- Oh, thank God.

They're on the portside,
outboard number two!

Get me eyes!
- I've got video up!

Eh, here ya go, kid.
You've earned it.

Aw, gosh.
Really, you guys?

We'll be taking our report

back to headquarters now,
Gathers.

I got to tell you, it don't
paint a pretty picture.

Men with tits?
Pederasts on the payroll?

This ain't gonna fly.

You run a weird ship,
General.

We'll be watching you.

Eh, don't let the door shoosh
you in the ass on the way out.

Oh, uh, bye.

GATHERS:
Samson! Stand down!

She's with us.
- What?

This wasn't an escape.
It was a test.

Our security and her skills.

We failed. She passed.

What?
She killed all those agents!

You mean all those
double agents.

Traitors, every last
one of them!

I gave Red here a list
of chores,

and she took out
the garbage.

- What?! Are you nuts?!
- Sometimes. Not today.

We need a deep-cover
infiltrator on the team,

someone to work in
the shadows,

out from under the prying eyes

of the bureaucrats
and the misters,

someone the enemy would
never suspect.

What? You can't trust her!
She is the enemy!

She's a mercenary, Samson.

People who hired her all these
years were the enemy.

Long as we pay better,
she's on our side.

Welcome to the team,
Agent Cocktease!

We'll, uh, have to talk
about that name later.

- I found them!
- Oh, thank God.

They're on the portside,
outboard number two!

Get me eyes!
- I've got video up!

[sighs ] So, where the hell
did Monstroso go?

Damned if I know.

What?
Did you forget something?

Evening, General Gathers.
My name is Mr. Frost.

This is my associate,
Mr. Sample.

Headquarters sent us to
investigate this, uh,

Molostro incident.

[ Up-tempo music plays]

MAN:
You should be just fine, son,

once your atrophied limbs
get strong enough

to stand
without the suit.

But you'll never get
over the loss of your breasts.

You'll miss them forever.