The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Momma's Boys - full transcript

☺ Subbed by BARFNUTS ☺

All right, Dermott, it's time
for you to go home.

Why are you two dressed
like that?

Hey, don't put your heteronormative
gender-biased hang-ups on me.

Boys can play dress-up, too.
Hey, can Dermott spend the night?

Dermott can spend the night
if Dermott takes out the garbage.

It's Thursday.

Dude, what's up with
your dad?

Now he's giving me chores?

Listen, you're complaining
to the wrong guy.

Garbage was my job
'til 10 seconds ago.



Lights out.
It's 11:00.

DEAN:
They are!

- Candles count as lights.
- What are you, a psychic?

They're vanilla
Christmas candles, Dean.

The whole attic smells
like cupcakes.

Now, I'm expecting a call,
so stay off the phone tonight.

You're destroying
my life!

Okay. 10 minutes.
And no sexting.

Do you even know what
that means?

G.Y.P.O.
I'm F.O.L.

Code 9. T.T.Y.L.

That's "Get your pants off.
I'm fond of leather.

My parent or guardian is near.
I will talk to you later"

in sexting language.



Daddy is hip to it, Dean.
10 minutes!

DERMOTT:
So he's been doing this every night?

HANK: I got him to do it
for six hours last night.

Most of the time, he falls
asleep right in the middle.

I find him the next morning
asleep with a phone in his hand.

This will work.

No! Of course I do!

I would've called earlier
if my dad didn't --

N-No, d-don't say that.

Y-You know he just --

But I do! I love you.

No! I love you!

No, I mean it, I just --
[click]

Dad! Get off the phone!

Three more
minutes, Dean.

[ Watch beeps ]

Are you ready for "operation
keep your dad from bugging us"?

Check.

Dialing in "T" minus
10 seconds.

Check.
Bluetooth activated?

Check.
Teddy doll activated?

[whirring ]
- Check.

Begin transmission.

[ringing]

DOC:
Yello? Ted, I presume?

[chuckles]
How's it hangin', player?

Hello. I'm Teddy.

Would you like me to tell you
a story?

Bring it on,
my man.

TEDDY: By Golly Gulch is home
to so many friends --

friends like Grumble Bee
and Lady Bugbear.

But it's also home
to Grumpy Bandersnatch.

Everyone from By Golly Gulch knows

that Grumpy Bandersnatch
hates sliding down rainbows

and never plays with us
in the Honey River.

All right.
Well, there's your problem --

Grumpy doesn't ever play
in the Honey River.

You said "never"?

He just wants to steal
our happiness.

Exactly. You can't expect
a guy like that

To know what you've been
through.

He doesn't swim
in the Honey River.

Well, not like I do that much
myself these days.

He'll go on for hours
without taking a breath.

He doesn't talk to people --
he talks at them.

Cool. All right, let's move.
We go on third.

HANK: Sweet!

DERMOTT:
Yeah, but like eight bands, though.

[rock music playing]

[cellphone vibrating]

Stop! Hold up!
My ass is vibrating!

Me too! The hair on the back
of my neck is standing up!

We are awesome!

[scoffs]
It's your freakin' dad again.

He's been calling every five
minutes for a week.

He's going through
Teddy-Talk-to-Me-doll withdrawal.

"Doll withdrawal."
Hey, say that. It's hard.

Doll withdrawal.
[feedback]

Doll withdrawal.
Yeah, it is.

[cellphone vibrates]
Oh, your dad's calling again.

This is nuts!
We gotta tell him.

Oh, yeah.
"Oh, hey, Mr. V.

Your best friend is a talking doll.
Wicked sorry.

Oh, you're pissed?

But we just did it to pick up
chicks at a bar."

We never picked up chicks.

I'm not going down for this

and looking like a pussy
at the same time.

We picked up chicks.

- [ Beeps]
- Yeah, right, H.E.L.P.Er.

Yeah, I'll believe that
when the Ms. Pac-man table

calls you back.

Dude, you can
understand H.E.L.P.Er now?

- Yeah, wh-- how did I do that?
- I don't even know how I do it.

- [ Beeps ]
- You're both right.

But we'll get slaughtered
if we tell him.

Honestly, how far can
he take this?

The number's to a prepaid
cellphone, Doc.

It's untraceable.

That's what I thought.

Yup. He's in trouble.

Grumpy Bandersnatch.

I told him if he associates
with these gangsters,

they'll eventually get him.

Well, what do we have here?

No bugs, huh?

Did he ever actually say that
he's in danger?

I know the signs,
Hatred!

I'm not some overreacting
first-timer!

Aha! Looks like this leads
right up to --

Right up to my tracing gear.

Doc, y-you saw me plug that in
20 minutes ago.

Okay, fine.
We're safe in here.

I'm gonna check Hank's room.
You check Dean's.

He... won't let me
in there.

HANK:
If you're already holding the guitar,

I don't get why you don't
just play it.

- [ Beeps]
- I can, too! I totally shred.

I just don't have an amp.
You know, we should get one

with the profits from the sales
of our "Jacket" single.

11 cents?
On a check I can't even cash

'cause it's made out to
"Shallow Gravy"?

Okay, boys.
We need to talk.

- [ Beeps]
- H.E.L.P.Er, you puss!

- This can be explained.
- Oh, I'm sure of that.

Yeah, I-I-I have to go home.

- You're a part of this, too, Dermott.
- Okay, but it's Hank's fault.

No! It's my fault.
I let this happen.

I associated
with the wrong sort,

and I've jeopardized
the safety of my family.

I went against my better judgment

and befriended
an ex-criminal named Ted.

Suddenly he disappears,
and I smell foul play.

I search for bugs,
and I find this.

It's a tape of everything

Ted ever said to me
on the phone,

hidden in your stuffed bear.

Boys, we are dealing
with the type of criminal

that would desecrate
a child's toy.

W-Wow. That's --

That's the kind of monster
Grumpy Bandersnatch is!

Now, I don't want
to worry you.

Believe me -- daddy will
handle this.

What are you doing
in my drawer?!

Doc thinks the compounds
been bugged.

I-I was just looking for --
- In my diary?!

I-I think it's a journal,
Dean.

"Diary" is a --
it's a girl's word.

Fine! "Journal"!
Now leave!

You know, I worry about you.
You're looking kind of thin.

Maybe you feel like your life
is spinning out of control?

Maybe the only thing you can
control is your weight?

Dean, are you a friend
of Anna?

- Who's Anna?
- Rexia -- anorexia?

Or do you have another girl
in your life? A-A real --

Oh, my God!
Get out of here!

[telephone ringing]

Bula Vinaka, beachside.

Is it Ted? Keep him on the line.
We need to hook up a trace.

It's for Dean.
I think it's a girl.

BOTH:
Seriously?

Go do something else!
Anything!

HANK: [ muffled ]
Dean! Phone!

Got it!

Hey!

Yeah?
I was just gonna call you.

I-I really want to see you.

Tomorrow?
Tomorrow's perfect!

I can't take it here
anymore.

I love you, too.

I-I-I...
need you, too.

DERMOTT: Uh, wanna hit Taco Bell?
Take a run for the border?

[chuckling ]
Dude, fourth meal.

Eh, Venture lockdown.

No tacos 'til my dad slays
Grumpy Bandersnatch

And frees all the animal friends
of By Golly Gulch.

So stupid.
How does he even believe this?

[ Scoffs ]
Last year, right where you're sitting,

David Bowie, looking
like David Bowie in the '70s,

slapped a guy with invisible
arms and legs.

Right over there, Brock killed
a guy from Dimension "C"

that may or may not have been
an alternate earth.

Dude! Totally see you there!

GARY:
That's impossible! Stealth mode!

HANK: And that's an ex-henchman
for my dad's archenemy.

Pretty sure he lives
in my yard now.

No, no, I get it. I get it.
But we got to fix this.

GARY:
Psst! Hank!

Gary, knock it off!
We can see you!

- Cannot! I'm a shadow.
- I see the top of your head!

I can help.

But the road will be hard
and beset with challenges.

If you accept this offer,
I can only promise you --

upon your victory, you will
finally become men.

[chuckling ]
Okay, guy watching us from the bushes,

you make us into men.

Should I get some lotion,
or do you want to use

blood and clown paint
for lube?

Welcome to the War Room.
Here's the plan.

This is you and I.

At daybreak, we take
your tank --

uh, that's represented
by a butter dish --

and we head to By Golly Gulch
and rescue Ted.

But we'll be in a tank.
And... this isn't to scale.

It's, uh...
it's for butter.

Where's By Golly Gulch?

I can't find it.
This map is overly complicated.

It's three Thomas guides
taped together.

I'll just use my vphone.

[cellphone beeps]
Um, Vphone!

Directions to By Golly Gulch.

Pbht! You're telling me that a hunk
of crap my brother made

is more accurate
than Mr. Thomas,

with his delicious English muffins
and his awesome maps?

- Route calculated.
- Fine.

My brother can't make
English muffins, though.

Or butter them, because I have
the butter dish.

There's no other way to
get into Dunwitch,

unless you're a blood relation
to an inmate.

We have to get committed --
flat-out.

And you're sure
the real Teddy's there?

After voicing Teddy-Talk-to-Me,
he was in a huge fire

at the Asian plant
where they made the bears.

He got totally disfigured
and goes bananas

and becomes
a supervillain.

I think he hugged President Reagan
too hard or something.

He's been in Dunwitch Asylum
for the criminally obsessive

ever since.
And that is all fact.

Well, we need to give
my dad a real Teddy.

There's no other way.
- Then it's settled.

We're getting committed
to Dunwitch Asylum.

Time to go to work.
Got a lot to do.

I-I can't do it.
It's too watered down.

- GARY: No, it's understandable.
- DERMOTT: It's stupid, anyway.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ rumbling ]

[ crowd screaming ]

Nobody move, see!

This is kind of a holdup!
We are insane criminals!

I'm the Viceroy!
I mimic The Monarch butterfly,

and I am obsessed with Monarchs,
so I mimic them!

I'm Flying Side Kick,

and these are
my magic nun-chucks...

that I think might be pronounced
"Nun-cha-ku."

lam unsure of their
pronunciation.

Whoa! Crap! Sorry!

And I'm Enrrrrrico Matassa,

Latin playboy and insane
egomaniac!

My name means "Hank Hank,"

and I'm also using a Hank
of yarn as a weapon!

Also, this is a huge hankie!
- [ beeps]

[ Crash ]

And that's our crime robot
that we named Crimerobot!

We programmed him
to think only about crime!

He's obsessed with it!

Now drop to the ground
or something!

Again, we are insane criminals!

JONAS-'S VOICE: Left on Spring Street -- 7.4 miles.

Keep going, then take
a left on Spring.

- Okeydoke!
- Recalculating route.

Take left on Plainview drive --
4.3 miles.

Wait. No.

Take the next left
on Plainview in 4.3 miles.

Or do we stay on Plainview
for 4.3 miles?

- Recalculating route.
- Hatred, stay on the road!

- You're confusing the stupid thing!
- I'm flying over the road!

Can't stay on it
'cause we're not on it!

Just do something
to fix it!

They had nutty buddies!

Not sure we're parked
legally here,

but I dare them to tow it.

Double-dog dare them to find
a boot big enough for it!

[ Police radio chatter]
Hey, don't Hank me around, copper!

Guild of Calamitous Intent --
member 283-21-MH!

We are both clearly
obsessively insane,

and we demand a Guild
representative

to take us
to Dunwitch Asylum.

Hey, Ricky, these two
are G.C.l.

and bound for wacky world.

I'll radio it in.

[chuckles]
Less work for us, huh?

All right, you two, let's go.

What? W-We're insane
criminals, too!

Let me inform you of your
rights, here, sweetheart.

You have the right to remain
silent.

[fluorescent lights buzzing ]

[clock ticking ]

She, uh, she really
loves you, you know.

Uh... okay.

Yeah. I love you.
We all love you.

Uh... neat.

[buzzer]
15 minutes.

My little jelly bean!

Mom!
- Hey hey! No touching!

You got to sit down ri--
[grunts ]

Hey! What's going --
Hush-a-bye, my sweet baby.

Mother's here.
It's gonna be okay now.

- I love Mother!
- What a good boy you are!

You've grown into such
a strong boy.

Now take off your clothes

and show mother
your handsome body.

A butterfly.
It's probably Monarch.

Butterfly.

Bigger butterfly.

That's a butterfly, as well.

It's a butterfly again.

Dude, I don't know who's making
these things, but come on.

Seriously, they all look
like butterflies!

What else could they be?

I see... two ladies,
hanked side-by-side.

Between them is me,
Enrrrico Matassa.

They are fighting over the
affections of Enrico Matassa,

I think, but this one
on the left,

she has the husband.

He is not Hank at all.

He is so unHank that he wants
to fight Enrico Matassa!

But Enrico Matassa is
very Hank.

He is double Hank!

Out of the way!
Out of the way!

The prisoner tore the kid's face
off with her teeth!

We're taking him
to the infirmary!

[alarm blaring ]

[ gasping ]

What are you doing?!
You almost broke my neck!

Oh, my collectible
Deanie baby!

Mother just wanted more time
with her boy.

I can't say goodbye anymore!
It's not fair to break up a family!

It's not right!

MAN: All right. Checked with the Guild's
list of subordinates,

manservants,
and boy wonders.

Flying Side Kick's not
on record.

That's because I'm not a boy
wonder -- I'm a regular villain.

It's "Flying Side Kick"
as in the karate move.

Like a side kick, you know,
but in the air.

So you're not another
villain's sidekick,

and you can't fly?

Opening gate 2!
Gotta take the weights off the kid.

He can't really fly.

What -- so I don't need
a ball and chain?

Nah, we haven't used those
in like a hundred years.

I got that one from the, uh,
"old timey jails" display

in the lobby there.

You have arrived
at your destination.

T-This just doesn't look like a --
what was it, gumdrop forest?

I don't know.
Maybe these are gumdrop trees.

I'm not a botanist.

Gumdrop tree--
Doc, these are the kind of trees

that disembowel scarecrows
looking for wizards.

Look, it says "take lniquity
Passage for 8 miles,

arrive at
Bygone Gulch."

Hatred! Bygone gulch?!

We're looking
for By Golly Gulch!

You heard me!
I said "Golly"!

Stupid phone!
We should've used my maps!

- I said "Golly"!
- Hatred! Stop the jeep!

[ Both screaming ]

GARY: Dude, we gotta find
that Teddy guy and get out of here.

I was over crafting
when I was 7 --

not including customizing
my Zoid Liger model, obviously.

[ Normal ]
Obviously.

And why are we making
all these hearts?

And why is mine awesome?
Answer -- doily.

Doily...
doi-ah-lee...

We make these hearts for her.

It's the second Sunday
in May.

We're all Momma's Boys.

Are you a Momma's Boy?

What?! I mean... yeah, of course.
I love my mom.

[Teddy's voice ] Then, brother,
you know today is Mother's Day.

It's her day.

On her day,
we become a family.

Soon, it will be time.

Holy...
you're Teddy-Talk-to-Me!

[laughing]
I think you're mistaken.

Dude! We need your help!

Cuckoo! 5:00!
Cuckoo!

Cuckoo! Clock!

Cuckoo!
Clock!

[indistinct shouting]

Ugh! What happened?
My head...

You got a concussion, there.

Ugh. I feel si--

Nutty buddy!
Bleh...

[sighs]

That's it -- I'm calling
for help.

[watch beeps ]
Hey, Doc. I'm here with you.

We're gonna die together.
Over.

I can't call my morn.
She is nuts.

She signed me up for Al-A-Teen
because I smelled like booze.

Which was only, like,
pheromone spray

cut with a touch of love's
baby soft.

[beeps]

Uh, because I've found that
women are put at ease

when they smell
their own kind.

Seriously. So, do you know, like,
a lawyer or anybody I can call?

- [ Beeps ]
- Really?

Like freakin' Dr. Bombay?
- [ beeps]

All right. I'm gonna try it.

It'll save me a quarter.

[strains]

Whoa!

All those who creep
are now asleep!

Dermott?
How intriguing.

I felt that it was one of
the Venture boys in peril.

So... odd.
- Dude, that was sweet!

Regardless,
let's get you out of here.

Aw, you gonna turn back time
'til, like, before this happened?

Well, no. I'm going
to take your arrest record

off their computer

and get us a taxicab.
- [scoffs ] Gyp.

Oh!
[chuckles] I'm sorry.

Was my appearing from thin air

and putting everyone to sleep
a disappointment?

You see that kind of magical
fun constantly, I assume?

Not cool enough for you?

- TOGETHER: Mother!
- Cuckoo!

TOGETHER:
Mother!

- Mother!
- Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

TOGETHER:
Mother! Mother! Mother!

All my little babies!

We are finally a family!

Mother doesn't judge
her sweet children.

You're free -- free to be
yourselves now!

Mm... that's my morn,
I think.

Maybe Man! Big Time!

Can you do mommy
your special favor now?

- Yes, mother!
- Maybe!

Could you return me
to the day

when my little baby Dean
was born?

Of course!
There's time for that!

Aren't you a good boy.

And, Maybe Man, could you
put baby Dean

in my pink, pillowy womb

so I can finally give birth
to my teeny-weenie Deanie

and be his only-wonly mommy?

Um... Maybe.

"Finally give birth"?
You're not my mother!

I knew you were lying!

Hanky-poo?!
You've come to me!

I'm not a Hank--
She is not my mother!

Yeah!
She's not my mother, either!

I'm The Viceroy!
I wanna be a Monarch!

Butterfly, I mean!

No! She's not my mother!

I'm Teddy!
I wanna slide down rainbows!

And I'm Radical Left!
I want anarchy!

And -- and maybe a nice home
and a family.

Yeah!
Mother helped build the wall!

Tear down the wall!

MOTHER: Play nice, everybody!
Shake hands, you two!

[indistinct shouting]

Settle down! Settle down!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[ Muffled screaming ]

MOTHER:
No! No! My sweet babies! No!

[indistinct screaming]

Get going!
I'll get your brother!

HATRED:
That is your worst death confession?

That? Really?

What? I let her believe she was
the boy's mother.

I messed her up pretty bad.

Beats your "I was an O.S.Il.
Traitor, boo hoo" nonsense.

All right, all right! Here -- you see
these man boobs here?

Well, they kinda
turn me on.

Sometimes I look at them
when I masturbate

and pretend
they're on a lady.

There!
That's a death confession!

I can beat it!

Hank's friend Dermott?
That's my illegitimate son.

Yup -- love child.

Don't act like you're not
impressed.

HATRED:
Wow. All right, you win.

That is... [sighs]
Wow.

[sirens wailing in distance]

[indistinct shouting,
glass breaking]

Aww!
I knew she wasn't our mom.

That would've been a good thing,
and I don't get good things.

Yeah, it's just too bad
that a raving lunatic

that wanted to make you
a baby again

and then push you up
her lady hole

isn't our real morn.

Real tragedy.

Yeah. Good point.

Amazingly, you always have
good points, Hank.

That's "Enrico Matassa,"
my friend.

Ah, there you are.
Yeah, I couldn't find Teddy.

It's a madhouse in there.

I mean, it was a madhouse
to begin with, but --

well, you know what I mean.
- Eh, don't worry.

We'll just tell my dad that we...
went to save Dean.

What?
You didn't come to save me?

[helicopter blades whirring]

GARY: Aw, geez.
Guild wasps. We gotta haul.

DOC:
It's effortless.

We're just tuned
into each other.

Ironic that my bestie is
a dust head and my ex-kidnapper.

He kidnapped you?

Yeah, about a year ago, when
all those scientists were taken.

He was working with these guys
called The Monster and --

Ah, wait, wait.
Don't tell me --

a guy with
a robot voice, right?

Yeah, that was him.

Ted just gets mixed up
with these guys,

like Grumpy Bandersnatch
and that robot guy.

He's got to stop swinging from
gumdrop trees and grow up.

[chuckles]
I guess I'm like a mentor to him.

Doc...
[sighs ] Ah, geez.

I got to tell you something
about Ted.

You're not gonna like this
at all.

[ Rumbling, grinding ]
Hatred, stop moving!

We're sliding again!

TED:
Grab the branch!

Your buggy is about to slide
down the gulch!

Ted?!

[grunting ]

ORPHEUS:
It's not a DNA test.

I'm simply saying
that when you summoned me,

I felt the mind
of a Venture boy.

So... I'm a Venture?

Magic reveals
little more than questions.

She is a capricious light
that tickles the intellect

and begs us to peer into
the newly illuminated truth.

Yeah, that's,
uh, totally confusing.

Then I, again,
have done my job.

Well if, you know,
I'm a Venture,

then can you give me
your daughter's new number?

- Not from beyond the grave, Dermott.

[grunting ]

I come to save you,
and you end up saving me.

[laughs]
How about that?

I love you.
You're my best friend.

Now I have to return
to my Lady Bugbear

and all my friends
in By Golly Gulch.

Call me,
you rascal!

And give your Ladybug a slap on
the fanny for me, player!

[chuckles]
Ahhhh.

You see what I'm saying?

He's a bit out there,
but just true blue.

Now, what were you gonna
tell me about him?

Uh, that, uhh... he's a...
burn victim?

- Oh, my God. Right?

That nose --
[shudders]

[ Shallow Gravy's "Diearrhea" plays]

♪ Come on, smell it ♪

♪ Feel the diarrhation ♪

- ♪ They all died of ♪
- ♪ Diarrhea ♪

- ♪ Thomas Jefferson had ♪

- ♪ Diarrhea ♪

- ♪ James K. Polk had ♪

- ♪ Diarrhea ♪

♪ William Henry Harrison ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ They all died ♪

DOC:
By the time we found the hover tank

and removed the like 40
parking tickets on it,

we figured it was
too late to call, so...

Oh, we had
an interesting night, too.

We were saving Dean from Myra,

who's not our mom,
apparently...?

Yeah...
Daddy makes mistakes, Hank.

You boys needed free daycare,

and when Myra was younger,

she was quite
the sexual panther.

I needed my daycare, too.

Oh, gross!
Dude, that's my cue.

I don't wanna hear this.
I gotta go to work in two hours.

Later, loser.

Latrix,
my fart-flavored friend.

Yeah, she wore
these little hot pants.

No! I don't wanna hear it,
either!

Oh, uh, later...
Dad.