The Venture Bros. (2003–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Sphinx Rising - full transcript
Henchman 21's command of Team SPHINX is starting to rub the O.S.I. the wrong way, and his new recruits are rubbing them even wronger.
[ Subbed by Barfnuts ]
[ Humming SPHINX theme song ]
Whoa!
[ humming continues ]
[ grunting ]
[ tires squeal ]
Okay.
I didn't really plan for this.
Freeze! This is SPHINX!
Gary?
Come on, you idiot!
I swear I'm gonna reach down
your throat
and remove your heart
and eat it.
Shore Leave? A-Are you part
of Long Division?
Yeah, that's it.
Brilliant conclusion.
Nice.
We're undercover, moron.
We were undercover.
- We've been wearing
these sweaty-ass, stinking,
spit-soaked masks
for a week for nothing.
Good one, chubs.
The kid's dead. So is Tom.
You killed an 8-year-old kid
with the corpse of the only guy
who knew where Long Division's
secret base was.
Aah!
That's so Raven!
Gary, you better
shoot me or something,
'cause I'm about
to kill you.
I was being a good guy!
You left me SPHINX.
What did you expect me to do?
Honestly? Use the hot tub
a couple of times.
Not run around like a lone wolf
fighting crime --
that we are already fighting.
Is this my crossbow?
Oh, come on!
It makes me feel like a wookiee.
No.
This is my crossbow.
DOC: [scoffs]
I get the mini-cereals for variety,
then Hank eats
all the good ones,
so now we have a pantry
full of Product 19
and Special K.
Where's Hatred?
What is this,
the silent treatment?
- Yes.
- Ha! Made you talk.
[ distant rumbling ]
Oh, not again.
I'm getting real sick
of that ex-henchman
being a better bodyguard than
the ex-villain I hired.
It's so depressing
when you say it out loud.
Ah, look who's coming
to save me.
It's the entire SPHINX team.
I'm recruiting now, Grandpa,
so bite me.
Whip the little guy out.
I'll got get Doc's microscope.
Oh, I got a shai-hulud
down there.
There's a damn Paul Muad'dib
riding this worm, my friend.
You gonna help me blow up
your old boss or what?
All right.
She's coming in low and slow.
That's classic Monarch "look at
my cool new thing" approach.
Should I ready
the extinguishers?
[ Scoffs ]
Please.
He only uses fire
and lasers at night.
I got my money on acid
or a magnet kind of thing.
Ready the acid
magnet!
Bring her in nice and slow,
Dr. My Wife.
I wanna give them
plenty of time
to panic and soil
their pants!
8th power
and holding steady.
Creep in!
Let them gather
their hampers
in preparation
for a mighty wash load
of fear-stained trousers.
And just as they start
the pretreat --
Zap! Sizzle!
Acid magnet!
[ laughs maniacally ]
GARY:
Just above the thrusters there --
that's a power coupling
for the secondary externals.
Unless they plan on spitting
at us through the windows,
they're screwed.
Squeeze it.
Don't yank it.
You're the one that yanks it.
Deploy the acid magnet!
[alarm beeping]
Mm, not responding, sir.
Secondary externals are down.
Come on!
That's impossible.
I, uh... think
it might be #21.
#21 is my most loyal man.
How dare you!
- [sighs]
Should we turn around maybe
and cut our losses?
Never!
GARY:
Okay. Now he's in a panic.
He's gonna have to do something
or he'll look like
a total douche.
So, here's where he makes the
incredibly bad decision to...
Jettison the lunch room!
HATRED:
What is that, patio furniture?
That is the lunch room.
There's some metal cases.
Could be explosive.
Chafing dishes.
It's Wednesday, right?
- Yeah.
Well, they're filled
with buffalo wings, then,
and we should totally collect
the ones without dirt
and lawn chunks on them,
because they are awesome.
They're really tangy.
"Ex 'B' guy ISO good guys.
Tired of henching
for a bad guy
that doesn't appreciate you?
Then join me in SPHINX."
No, it's says SPHINX.
Well, what else could it mean?
Dude, you call him --
I think he still hates me
for finger banging
Theresa.
Well, what do you call it?
Oh, that's worse.
Oh, h-t-t-p, full colon --
no, the letter then --
really?
You just type the -- fine.
Uh, Guildslist dot --
Yeah, that's it. Right.
"This is your chance..."
"...to make a change
in the world."
Yes, I'm reading it.
You haven't had to type
that crap since the '90s.
[baby babbling]
Hold on.
Stephanie, Tyler's eating
chapstick again.
It's not a tootsie roll.
It's chapstick.
I've had the same chapstick
for five years.
He's gonna get the diarrhea.
Just take it away from him.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, I know. This is perfect.
Wow.
Listen to this guy's crap.
"SPHINX is the premier..."
"...intermediate
villainy deactivating service?"
Way to make it completely
confusing, Gary.
Viceroy?! You want me
to call you that for real?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there.
First off, I'd just like to
congratulate you
on your fine choice
of candidate.
And I'd like to add --
this is so right!
I'm so ready for destiny!
I can't wait to embrace her!
[ chuckling ]
Whoa!
It looks like Hank's got himself
a little filly.
Isn't that sweet?
[sighs]
I knew this day would come.
But, come on, Destiny?
Destiny is a stripper's name.
That's a loose woman.
He's going to be having
dangerous sex with a trollop
that has "pray for us sinners"
tattooed across her forehead.
This is ridiculous.
Dean, you have to pay
the toll --
one great big hug.
Hey. Gotta kill them
with kindness.
Yeah, "kill him," not
disembowel him with kindness.
HANK:
I told you I can handle it.
I'm ready to be a man.
Oh, listen to him.
He's like his old man.
But he's too young for someone
named Destiny.
He should be with a Pam
or a Pamela.
Or a Pammy, maybe.
Pammy?! The boy is not ready
for a damn Pammy!
Hatred, you keep
an eye on him.
Gary, my extra man,
I'm golden.
Yes, I mean Viceroy.
Look, I've been in SPHINX
before,
and my record speaks
for itself.
Yes, I'm ready to...
MAN:
"...fight super villains
before they become super villains"?
Is that what SPHINX
has become?!
Who the hell does this clown
think he is?!
What the hell?!
Hold on.
Who the hell is that guy?
He looks like Criss Angel.
Is that what you like now --
tacky crap?
[ Knock on window ]
- MAN: Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
You're waking up the whole block
with that screaming.
What are you doing?
My girlfriend lives there.
Why are you still screaming?
[ Knock on window]
[scoffs] Hold on!
Michael, what the hell are
you doing here?
Oh, Theresa!
I'm... on the phone.
There's really good
reception here.
So, uh, hold on a second.
Okay, I'm ready to join
SPHINX...
"...and make
a change in the world.
No attitudes.
420 friendly, but only
in off time.
MRS. MONARCH:
That doesn't sound remotely familiar?
No, but it's
hilarious.
Hey, you want me to read
"missed connections"
or "casual encounters" next?
Seriously, that didn't sound
like #21 wrote it?
#21 is on a vision quest.
You're paranoid.
What is this made of?
It's so smooth.
It even feels like skin.
It tells me how it feels
to be new.
MRS. MONARCH:
Bio-plastiche.
Does yours have a weird
pee-pee smell?
Yeah, like a --
like a gerbil cage.
[toilet flushes]
Ready?
Ta-da!
I'm a Brooklyn beardo.
You look like
Zach Gala... finakius.
I thought you were gonna
be a hot chick.
It's gonna take more than
a hot chick to get
into the Venture compound
and plant explosives.
So, how are we doing this?
With our
Scooby-Dooby-Doo magic masks.
I don't care.
We'll wing it.
[sighs]
Get your disguise on.
Disguise.
I'm a super villain.
All I have is
my sweet-ass costume.
You have nothing that isn't a
spandex butterfly costume?
I don't know.
I have a bathrobe,
foul-weather gear,
and a winter coat.
Oh, and some gag t-shirts from
my bachelor party, maybe.
GATHERS:
Listen up, recruits.
My name is
General Gathers.
I'm mommy in this play school.
Welcome to the new O.S.l.
Now, how many of you are
familiar with the old SPHINX?
Okay, wow. That's great.
Well, we don't chase
the O.S.l. around
once a week for the press
anymore.
After The Pyramid Wars,
all this junk became new SPHINX,
and what we do now is we fi--
Dude, you can put
your hand down.
- Uh, where's the bathroom?
- Do you need to push a mess?
No. That's gross.
It's tinkles.
Tinkles?
Well, if it's wicked-bad...
There's the door.
You're afraid of blood?
There's the door.
You want to stay and fight?
Well, we know the enemy.
We have their names, faces,
turn-ons, turn-offs,
and dream dates.
They've grown fat and lazy.
We are hungry dogs!
That's why I think
snacking at the work stations
is okay, but, seriously,
nothing that gets goo or crumbs
on the panels.
You know, think Slim Jims
and protein bars.
Cream puffs!
They're not warriors.
We'll be the ticks
on their dogs,
the lint in their dryers,
and the crust in the corner
of their eyes.
The Guild is the enemy.
It's time to...
Pick fun code names!
Okay, let's get creative here.
How about...
Wind Song -- master
of the fighting arts.
Diamond Backdraft --
lord of the legless beasts
and keeper of their
fire form.
SPHINX Commander --
Mythic Mastermind --
Whoa, whoa.
I'm SPHINX commander.
But you said you're "The Viceroy."
Way to be confusing.
Okay, I'm Mr. Daddy Warlord
of The Children of the Corn
or whatever.
Good. You're Daddy Warlord,
you big baby.
What about you?
Because this is my destiny,
I shall take the name
Destiny.
That's more of a girl
from "Rock of Love's" name,
but whatever.
You know, I'm pretty sure
Wind Song is a perfume, anyways.
All right, SPHINX.
Let's get...
BOTH:
...out there and fight the good fight!
[ Intercom buzzes ]
I'm boiling
in this costume.
I'm dressed like an Eskimo.
- Inuit.
I am totally into it,
just hot.
No, they're called Inuits,
not Eskimos.
Would you stop whining
and take off your parka?
[ Parka unzips]
"Beaver Inspectors"?
- Uh, yeah.
- Nice move.
- Is this a joke?
- Joke?
Look, pal. Beavers
are destroying your home,
so you just keep laughing
while they build a darn
with what used to be
your basement.
Beavers? Please.
That shirt means you want
to inspect a...
you know -- vagina.
Whatever.
We could just leave, I guess.
Did you just say vagina?
You probably have a week before
this structure comes down.
Yeah. Not our problem.
I guess you can just sign here
to prove that we warned you --
Fine.
This is all I need.
Okay, meet me around back.
Ow! What?
We kicked ass.
HATRED: I am gonna spread
some mustard on this baloney.
It's gonna stop now!
- I'm trying to run SPHINX.
I am a good guy now.
Why can't you believe that?
Once a bad guy,
always a bad guy.
You were a bad guy, too,
you idiot.
Uhh... alright..
Touché.
Listen, I'm here to talk to Hank
about Destiny.
I'm worried about him.
He's in over his head.
Hank's an adult.
He's ready to enter destiny.
And I'm gonna show him how.
I've done it already.
That is perverse!
I insist on meeting
this Destiny character.
All right, fine.
Destiny, front and center.
Sweet Christmas!
She is a lively one.
I can see the attraction.
Whoa, since when did
we get strength suits
and ninja-guy outfits?
They -- they were in the back
in the command-gear hold.
There's a command-gear
hold?
Why doesn't anybody tell me
this stuff?
I am a golden goddess.
Gary, check this out!
[ whipping sound ]
[ crash ]
Wow.
Well, that's Destiny.
Unless you have other business,
visiting time is over.
Why don't you make me leave?
[guns cock]
Uh... metaphorically.
HANK: Aaaaaaah!
[ door opens ]
Hmph. Just enjoying
your report on Long Division.
Thinking of optioning it to
Robin Williams and Jim Carrey.
All right. I'm gonna
pretend we can explain --
Don't bother.
You get your cover blown
by a "Gary"
that kills Short Division
with another guy he killed,
and then you fill up Gary's
pillowcase with snicker bars
and send him home?!
Come on. Short Division
was an 8-year-old
that smoked two packs a day
and shot his henchmen
when they cussed.
The kid was an a-hole.
Look, we didn't get
to the secret base,
but Long Division is hobbled.
All we need to do is --
All you need to do is tell me
what the fuck a Gary is
and explain why he's not
in a body bag.
You remember
that ex-Monarch henchman
that we gave SPHINX to?
Well, he thinks he's a crime
fighter now,
and, uh, he's good
enough at it to --
Burn my ass!
Clean this mess up.
I don't want to hear the word
"SPHINX" again.
Go tell that deranged, giant
man-baby that playtime is over.
What are you guys doing?
You need to be briefed
and trained.
Oh, and I'm gonna order personal
pan pizzas for everyone --
any two toppings.
I'm watching my figure,
Gary. Salad?
No offense, Viceroy,
but we've been at this game
for a long time.
We fought in the flippin'
Pyramid Wars.
Whoa, geez.
The Pyramid Wars.
I didn't know you guys were
ex-O.S.l.
All right.
We're just gonna jump in.
I made some workbooks.
- Viceroy, no workbooks!
Sphinx, evil awaits!
I’m calling forth
the Mighty Khafra --
the man-faced lion
that reigns over the heavens.
How do you guys know
this stuff?
Urn, push the big red button?
DOC:
So, what are we looking for?
- MONARCH: Aquatic rodents, Tad --
structural damage, feces,
crab-apple sized dung balls --
brown mostly,
white if they're old.
Yeah, most of your homes are
infested with paper beaver,
but you have a red well beaver
at this station.
- How can you tell?
- MONARCH: Watch.
A-ow-wee-kee-kee-kee...
What my partner is doing is
making the sound of a hungry
paper beaver pup.
If you had paper beavers,
they'd be here by now,
and you'd smell their lactations.
They have a pungent, syrupy
breast milk.
I've never noticed anything
like that down here.
- Of course you haven't, Tad.
- It's Thaddeus.
Yeah, Tad, once you
see them, it's too late.
Here. Give me a hand here.
You got to get them at
the larval stage.
Beaver larva?
Well, it's a baby -- like a
baby, but a baby beaver.
A little baby beaver.
Yeah, these are, uh,
beaver deterrents.
They emit a high-frequency pulse
that beavers just hate.
It drives them nuts.
Dean! Hey, hey, Dean!
Don't you know how
to knock'?
I wasn't sure you were in here
with all these lights off.
It's like a damn mausoleum.
- Well, what do you want?
- Your help.
I suck at this bodyguard thing.
Brock's watch keeps beeping
"explosives present,"
your brother's fornicating
with Destiny,
and Gary's got a militia,
you're burning candles,
you got those cutting scars --
Huh? Oh, I got my arm
caught in a --
Caught in a web of sadness.
I know that you cut to feel
something, Dean --
to feel anything.
What are you talking about?
I'm not legally allowed
to hold you,
but I am sworn
to protect you, Dean.
[ mechanical whirring ]
What the -- ?!
He's upped his game.
Let's go!
WINDSONG:
SPHINX commander, target located,
course is plotted.
One more time --
I'm SPHINX command--
Wait. What target?
No! I'm SPHINX commander!
You're just a usurper
playing dress-up.
Oh, fuck.
You guys are old team SPHINX.
I knew it.
I'm such a retard.
WINDSONG:
Oh, you really are.
It was embarrassingly easy
to do this.
Great. Right when everything
gets super cool --
Hush, my sweet countess.
Daddy's back.
Everything is just as it was.
Listen, I'm old hat
at kicking addictions, Dean.
Little boys, obsessive
relationships,
booze, and nail biting --
I kicked them all.
Mr. Hatred, l just have
some things to work out.
I'm not addicted to anything.
Denial is the first sign
of addiction.
[ Beeping ]
Ah, we have a winner.
Swing that light over here.
Yep. Explosives.
When Uncle Hatred was
a villain,
he used this kind
but in green.
Monarch crew used to steal
crap from us
and paint 'em yellow,
so looks like we discovered
Gary's little plan.
GATHERS:
Dart-19, what is your position?
SHORELEAVE:
Oh, hey, Hunter.
Yeah, we're in, uh, my room
listening to records.
Brook's gonna french braid
my hair.
GATHERS: Well, then,
don't bother going to SPHINX H.Q.
SPHINX H.Q. is heading
straight at us.
Straight at Baby Girl!
Switch your radar
to Delta 4.
- Rerouting for intercept.
- All right. You're on scene.
Now take her down.
And if you don't,
Baby Girl will.
Over and out.
This is unbelievable.
Ugh, what is Gary's damage?
He is destroying
my reputation
worse than that jock I dated
in high school.
DOC: Of course the science
racket isn't always serious.
Look -- it's a molecular
re-distributor,
and I'm sitting on it
like a horse.
[ chuckles ]
Brock just had to get the camera.
[ chuckles ]
So, who are the little girls?
Oh, those are my boys --
Raggedy Ann and Andy for
Halloween that year.
They grow up so fast.
Well, when you let them,
I mean.
[ door opens ]
Doc! Doc, I think --
Oh. Hello.
Doc, I need to talk privately.
We have some problems
that might be...
explosive.
[sighs]
Gentlemen,
I'll be right back.
My butler doesn't quite know
his place yet.
There's a picture of Venture
dressed as Rambo.
You gotta see this.
You will piss yourself.
Um, sweetie, Hatred found
the explosives.
Did you not catch that?
What the fuck is this?!
DOC: [muffled]
He did What?!
Get your crap.
We can leave through the back.
Why are you old guys
doing this? Revenge?
So, you wait 30 years for me
to put out a want ad?
You want the truth?
You're gonna hate it.
I don't even
like talking about it.
Might as well.
I'm clearly not busy here.
SPHINX was pretty serious.
Yeah, we got our asses kicked
by O.S.l. all the time,
but we were hard core.
When you join SPHINX,
we put a cyanide chip
right in your brain.
100% loyalty, or we flip
the switch.
Whoa. And I thought
my old job was nuts.
Well, you can't get
these things out.
And they don't last forever.
We all have maybe a year
left to live,
so when your ad came up,
we figured
we could go out
like SPHINX.
Flame it.
Well, we have nothing to do with
your acid head... problem.
Why can't you just let us go?
It would ruin the commander.
You look just like the Countess
in that outfit.
After she left him,
he hasn't been the same.
Yeah, that was
her strength suit.
Totally forgot it was
a strength suit.
All right.
Get to the bridge.
I'm gonna try and find
the engine room.
HATRED: You had a bad hit
of blotter and killed someone
'cause he learned
your terrible secret?
Maybe you masturbated
with a Furby.
What could be so bad?
I just know a little
too much.
You wanna rap about it?
You... want me to make up
a rhyme?
No, I was trying to be a --
Dean, growing up is hard.
It's supposed to be.
You're not like anyone.
You're -- you're Dean.
And you're the best Dean.
Huh.
That almost helps.
So, what?
We leave them here?
Yeah.
That'll send a message.
Steady on course.
I-I-I don't remember
this at all.
You are gonna have to get
over that damn photo.
I can't run this alone.
Look, look!
That is me in that picture.
I'm playing with Dr. Venture.
Playing!
Wee! Fun! Yay!
And who's that
in the background?
Oh, nobody -- just my parents.
Yes, fine, that's nuts.
Can we talk about this later?
I don't remember any
of this!
GATHERS: Blondie, Sailor Boy,
this is Smoke Stack.
Target is locked in.
We will open fire
if you do not respond.
Damn it, you two.
BROCK:
Smoke Stack, this is Blondie.
Hold your fire.
I'm in position.
Repeat. Hold your fire.
Just give me 10.
GATHERS:
Roger. Give 'em hell, son.
You heard 'em, kiddies.
Stay frosty.
[ mechanical whirring ]
All right, weirdo,
the game is over.
Knock this crap off, or I will
go karate bananas on you!
Countess!
Soon the O.S.l. will be
destroyed,
and we can finally be
together again.
Look, seriously,
I will karate you.
Ow. That is entirely
not necessary.
Ah, I remember kicking
your ass when I was a kid.
[grunts]
- Still fun.
Dude, the old SPHINX crew
is gonna attack the O.S.l.
any second.
Communications are down
and we're using these.
What is that?
It's a shake weight, I think.
I can't find anything else.
I can't even find fucking
Engineering.
Have you seen Hank?
Nice job, Gary.
You are in so much trouble.
SPHINX COMMANDER:
Brock Samson.
It's just like old times.
I thought you went
into the private sector.
Things change.
So, you and The Countess figured
you'd take the jalopy out
for one last ride?
- Brock, it's me, Hank.
- Hank?
What are you doing here,
and why --
why are you on his lap?
He needs my bosom, Brock.
Plus, the suit is frozen.
I can't move.
My Countess forgot that
her suit is programmed
to never hurt her man,
so put the crossbow down.
Hank, uh, can you
close your eyes?
- Of course.
- Then do it.
[Splat]
I can't open them yet,
can I?
- Nope.
Come on, man.
Oh, who's gonna feed
my snakes?
Wow. It's so depressing.
Just look at him.
I suddenly get why my dad
used to say,
"I'm not gonna punish you.
You've punished yourself enough."
My dad likes to punish us
while we punish ourselves.
I am a complete loser.
[sighs]
You know, I was thinking
that this kind of
looked better on you.
You work it like a wookiee.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
GATHERS:
Oh, I've been waiting to do this for 30 years.
Position artillery!
Arm all explosives!
Wait for my mark!
I want them to see us.
Monarch again.
It's exhausting.
You want me to go out there?
[scoffs]
What are they gonna do?
Drop a dinette set
on my lawn?
Detonate the explosives!
Fire all canons!
What the hell
was that?
I don't get it.
It looks like we just blew up...
...SPHINX for the last time.
[ Humming SPHINX theme song ]
Whoa!
[ humming continues ]
[ grunting ]
[ tires squeal ]
Okay.
I didn't really plan for this.
Freeze! This is SPHINX!
Gary?
Come on, you idiot!
I swear I'm gonna reach down
your throat
and remove your heart
and eat it.
Shore Leave? A-Are you part
of Long Division?
Yeah, that's it.
Brilliant conclusion.
Nice.
We're undercover, moron.
We were undercover.
- We've been wearing
these sweaty-ass, stinking,
spit-soaked masks
for a week for nothing.
Good one, chubs.
The kid's dead. So is Tom.
You killed an 8-year-old kid
with the corpse of the only guy
who knew where Long Division's
secret base was.
Aah!
That's so Raven!
Gary, you better
shoot me or something,
'cause I'm about
to kill you.
I was being a good guy!
You left me SPHINX.
What did you expect me to do?
Honestly? Use the hot tub
a couple of times.
Not run around like a lone wolf
fighting crime --
that we are already fighting.
Is this my crossbow?
Oh, come on!
It makes me feel like a wookiee.
No.
This is my crossbow.
DOC: [scoffs]
I get the mini-cereals for variety,
then Hank eats
all the good ones,
so now we have a pantry
full of Product 19
and Special K.
Where's Hatred?
What is this,
the silent treatment?
- Yes.
- Ha! Made you talk.
[ distant rumbling ]
Oh, not again.
I'm getting real sick
of that ex-henchman
being a better bodyguard than
the ex-villain I hired.
It's so depressing
when you say it out loud.
Ah, look who's coming
to save me.
It's the entire SPHINX team.
I'm recruiting now, Grandpa,
so bite me.
Whip the little guy out.
I'll got get Doc's microscope.
Oh, I got a shai-hulud
down there.
There's a damn Paul Muad'dib
riding this worm, my friend.
You gonna help me blow up
your old boss or what?
All right.
She's coming in low and slow.
That's classic Monarch "look at
my cool new thing" approach.
Should I ready
the extinguishers?
[ Scoffs ]
Please.
He only uses fire
and lasers at night.
I got my money on acid
or a magnet kind of thing.
Ready the acid
magnet!
Bring her in nice and slow,
Dr. My Wife.
I wanna give them
plenty of time
to panic and soil
their pants!
8th power
and holding steady.
Creep in!
Let them gather
their hampers
in preparation
for a mighty wash load
of fear-stained trousers.
And just as they start
the pretreat --
Zap! Sizzle!
Acid magnet!
[ laughs maniacally ]
GARY:
Just above the thrusters there --
that's a power coupling
for the secondary externals.
Unless they plan on spitting
at us through the windows,
they're screwed.
Squeeze it.
Don't yank it.
You're the one that yanks it.
Deploy the acid magnet!
[alarm beeping]
Mm, not responding, sir.
Secondary externals are down.
Come on!
That's impossible.
I, uh... think
it might be #21.
#21 is my most loyal man.
How dare you!
- [sighs]
Should we turn around maybe
and cut our losses?
Never!
GARY:
Okay. Now he's in a panic.
He's gonna have to do something
or he'll look like
a total douche.
So, here's where he makes the
incredibly bad decision to...
Jettison the lunch room!
HATRED:
What is that, patio furniture?
That is the lunch room.
There's some metal cases.
Could be explosive.
Chafing dishes.
It's Wednesday, right?
- Yeah.
Well, they're filled
with buffalo wings, then,
and we should totally collect
the ones without dirt
and lawn chunks on them,
because they are awesome.
They're really tangy.
"Ex 'B' guy ISO good guys.
Tired of henching
for a bad guy
that doesn't appreciate you?
Then join me in SPHINX."
No, it's says SPHINX.
Well, what else could it mean?
Dude, you call him --
I think he still hates me
for finger banging
Theresa.
Well, what do you call it?
Oh, that's worse.
Oh, h-t-t-p, full colon --
no, the letter then --
really?
You just type the -- fine.
Uh, Guildslist dot --
Yeah, that's it. Right.
"This is your chance..."
"...to make a change
in the world."
Yes, I'm reading it.
You haven't had to type
that crap since the '90s.
[baby babbling]
Hold on.
Stephanie, Tyler's eating
chapstick again.
It's not a tootsie roll.
It's chapstick.
I've had the same chapstick
for five years.
He's gonna get the diarrhea.
Just take it away from him.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, I know. This is perfect.
Wow.
Listen to this guy's crap.
"SPHINX is the premier..."
"...intermediate
villainy deactivating service?"
Way to make it completely
confusing, Gary.
Viceroy?! You want me
to call you that for real?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there.
First off, I'd just like to
congratulate you
on your fine choice
of candidate.
And I'd like to add --
this is so right!
I'm so ready for destiny!
I can't wait to embrace her!
[ chuckling ]
Whoa!
It looks like Hank's got himself
a little filly.
Isn't that sweet?
[sighs]
I knew this day would come.
But, come on, Destiny?
Destiny is a stripper's name.
That's a loose woman.
He's going to be having
dangerous sex with a trollop
that has "pray for us sinners"
tattooed across her forehead.
This is ridiculous.
Dean, you have to pay
the toll --
one great big hug.
Hey. Gotta kill them
with kindness.
Yeah, "kill him," not
disembowel him with kindness.
HANK:
I told you I can handle it.
I'm ready to be a man.
Oh, listen to him.
He's like his old man.
But he's too young for someone
named Destiny.
He should be with a Pam
or a Pamela.
Or a Pammy, maybe.
Pammy?! The boy is not ready
for a damn Pammy!
Hatred, you keep
an eye on him.
Gary, my extra man,
I'm golden.
Yes, I mean Viceroy.
Look, I've been in SPHINX
before,
and my record speaks
for itself.
Yes, I'm ready to...
MAN:
"...fight super villains
before they become super villains"?
Is that what SPHINX
has become?!
Who the hell does this clown
think he is?!
What the hell?!
Hold on.
Who the hell is that guy?
He looks like Criss Angel.
Is that what you like now --
tacky crap?
[ Knock on window ]
- MAN: Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
You're waking up the whole block
with that screaming.
What are you doing?
My girlfriend lives there.
Why are you still screaming?
[ Knock on window]
[scoffs] Hold on!
Michael, what the hell are
you doing here?
Oh, Theresa!
I'm... on the phone.
There's really good
reception here.
So, uh, hold on a second.
Okay, I'm ready to join
SPHINX...
"...and make
a change in the world.
No attitudes.
420 friendly, but only
in off time.
MRS. MONARCH:
That doesn't sound remotely familiar?
No, but it's
hilarious.
Hey, you want me to read
"missed connections"
or "casual encounters" next?
Seriously, that didn't sound
like #21 wrote it?
#21 is on a vision quest.
You're paranoid.
What is this made of?
It's so smooth.
It even feels like skin.
It tells me how it feels
to be new.
MRS. MONARCH:
Bio-plastiche.
Does yours have a weird
pee-pee smell?
Yeah, like a --
like a gerbil cage.
[toilet flushes]
Ready?
Ta-da!
I'm a Brooklyn beardo.
You look like
Zach Gala... finakius.
I thought you were gonna
be a hot chick.
It's gonna take more than
a hot chick to get
into the Venture compound
and plant explosives.
So, how are we doing this?
With our
Scooby-Dooby-Doo magic masks.
I don't care.
We'll wing it.
[sighs]
Get your disguise on.
Disguise.
I'm a super villain.
All I have is
my sweet-ass costume.
You have nothing that isn't a
spandex butterfly costume?
I don't know.
I have a bathrobe,
foul-weather gear,
and a winter coat.
Oh, and some gag t-shirts from
my bachelor party, maybe.
GATHERS:
Listen up, recruits.
My name is
General Gathers.
I'm mommy in this play school.
Welcome to the new O.S.l.
Now, how many of you are
familiar with the old SPHINX?
Okay, wow. That's great.
Well, we don't chase
the O.S.l. around
once a week for the press
anymore.
After The Pyramid Wars,
all this junk became new SPHINX,
and what we do now is we fi--
Dude, you can put
your hand down.
- Uh, where's the bathroom?
- Do you need to push a mess?
No. That's gross.
It's tinkles.
Tinkles?
Well, if it's wicked-bad...
There's the door.
You're afraid of blood?
There's the door.
You want to stay and fight?
Well, we know the enemy.
We have their names, faces,
turn-ons, turn-offs,
and dream dates.
They've grown fat and lazy.
We are hungry dogs!
That's why I think
snacking at the work stations
is okay, but, seriously,
nothing that gets goo or crumbs
on the panels.
You know, think Slim Jims
and protein bars.
Cream puffs!
They're not warriors.
We'll be the ticks
on their dogs,
the lint in their dryers,
and the crust in the corner
of their eyes.
The Guild is the enemy.
It's time to...
Pick fun code names!
Okay, let's get creative here.
How about...
Wind Song -- master
of the fighting arts.
Diamond Backdraft --
lord of the legless beasts
and keeper of their
fire form.
SPHINX Commander --
Mythic Mastermind --
Whoa, whoa.
I'm SPHINX commander.
But you said you're "The Viceroy."
Way to be confusing.
Okay, I'm Mr. Daddy Warlord
of The Children of the Corn
or whatever.
Good. You're Daddy Warlord,
you big baby.
What about you?
Because this is my destiny,
I shall take the name
Destiny.
That's more of a girl
from "Rock of Love's" name,
but whatever.
You know, I'm pretty sure
Wind Song is a perfume, anyways.
All right, SPHINX.
Let's get...
BOTH:
...out there and fight the good fight!
[ Intercom buzzes ]
I'm boiling
in this costume.
I'm dressed like an Eskimo.
- Inuit.
I am totally into it,
just hot.
No, they're called Inuits,
not Eskimos.
Would you stop whining
and take off your parka?
[ Parka unzips]
"Beaver Inspectors"?
- Uh, yeah.
- Nice move.
- Is this a joke?
- Joke?
Look, pal. Beavers
are destroying your home,
so you just keep laughing
while they build a darn
with what used to be
your basement.
Beavers? Please.
That shirt means you want
to inspect a...
you know -- vagina.
Whatever.
We could just leave, I guess.
Did you just say vagina?
You probably have a week before
this structure comes down.
Yeah. Not our problem.
I guess you can just sign here
to prove that we warned you --
Fine.
This is all I need.
Okay, meet me around back.
Ow! What?
We kicked ass.
HATRED: I am gonna spread
some mustard on this baloney.
It's gonna stop now!
- I'm trying to run SPHINX.
I am a good guy now.
Why can't you believe that?
Once a bad guy,
always a bad guy.
You were a bad guy, too,
you idiot.
Uhh... alright..
Touché.
Listen, I'm here to talk to Hank
about Destiny.
I'm worried about him.
He's in over his head.
Hank's an adult.
He's ready to enter destiny.
And I'm gonna show him how.
I've done it already.
That is perverse!
I insist on meeting
this Destiny character.
All right, fine.
Destiny, front and center.
Sweet Christmas!
She is a lively one.
I can see the attraction.
Whoa, since when did
we get strength suits
and ninja-guy outfits?
They -- they were in the back
in the command-gear hold.
There's a command-gear
hold?
Why doesn't anybody tell me
this stuff?
I am a golden goddess.
Gary, check this out!
[ whipping sound ]
[ crash ]
Wow.
Well, that's Destiny.
Unless you have other business,
visiting time is over.
Why don't you make me leave?
[guns cock]
Uh... metaphorically.
HANK: Aaaaaaah!
[ door opens ]
Hmph. Just enjoying
your report on Long Division.
Thinking of optioning it to
Robin Williams and Jim Carrey.
All right. I'm gonna
pretend we can explain --
Don't bother.
You get your cover blown
by a "Gary"
that kills Short Division
with another guy he killed,
and then you fill up Gary's
pillowcase with snicker bars
and send him home?!
Come on. Short Division
was an 8-year-old
that smoked two packs a day
and shot his henchmen
when they cussed.
The kid was an a-hole.
Look, we didn't get
to the secret base,
but Long Division is hobbled.
All we need to do is --
All you need to do is tell me
what the fuck a Gary is
and explain why he's not
in a body bag.
You remember
that ex-Monarch henchman
that we gave SPHINX to?
Well, he thinks he's a crime
fighter now,
and, uh, he's good
enough at it to --
Burn my ass!
Clean this mess up.
I don't want to hear the word
"SPHINX" again.
Go tell that deranged, giant
man-baby that playtime is over.
What are you guys doing?
You need to be briefed
and trained.
Oh, and I'm gonna order personal
pan pizzas for everyone --
any two toppings.
I'm watching my figure,
Gary. Salad?
No offense, Viceroy,
but we've been at this game
for a long time.
We fought in the flippin'
Pyramid Wars.
Whoa, geez.
The Pyramid Wars.
I didn't know you guys were
ex-O.S.l.
All right.
We're just gonna jump in.
I made some workbooks.
- Viceroy, no workbooks!
Sphinx, evil awaits!
I’m calling forth
the Mighty Khafra --
the man-faced lion
that reigns over the heavens.
How do you guys know
this stuff?
Urn, push the big red button?
DOC:
So, what are we looking for?
- MONARCH: Aquatic rodents, Tad --
structural damage, feces,
crab-apple sized dung balls --
brown mostly,
white if they're old.
Yeah, most of your homes are
infested with paper beaver,
but you have a red well beaver
at this station.
- How can you tell?
- MONARCH: Watch.
A-ow-wee-kee-kee-kee...
What my partner is doing is
making the sound of a hungry
paper beaver pup.
If you had paper beavers,
they'd be here by now,
and you'd smell their lactations.
They have a pungent, syrupy
breast milk.
I've never noticed anything
like that down here.
- Of course you haven't, Tad.
- It's Thaddeus.
Yeah, Tad, once you
see them, it's too late.
Here. Give me a hand here.
You got to get them at
the larval stage.
Beaver larva?
Well, it's a baby -- like a
baby, but a baby beaver.
A little baby beaver.
Yeah, these are, uh,
beaver deterrents.
They emit a high-frequency pulse
that beavers just hate.
It drives them nuts.
Dean! Hey, hey, Dean!
Don't you know how
to knock'?
I wasn't sure you were in here
with all these lights off.
It's like a damn mausoleum.
- Well, what do you want?
- Your help.
I suck at this bodyguard thing.
Brock's watch keeps beeping
"explosives present,"
your brother's fornicating
with Destiny,
and Gary's got a militia,
you're burning candles,
you got those cutting scars --
Huh? Oh, I got my arm
caught in a --
Caught in a web of sadness.
I know that you cut to feel
something, Dean --
to feel anything.
What are you talking about?
I'm not legally allowed
to hold you,
but I am sworn
to protect you, Dean.
[ mechanical whirring ]
What the -- ?!
He's upped his game.
Let's go!
WINDSONG:
SPHINX commander, target located,
course is plotted.
One more time --
I'm SPHINX command--
Wait. What target?
No! I'm SPHINX commander!
You're just a usurper
playing dress-up.
Oh, fuck.
You guys are old team SPHINX.
I knew it.
I'm such a retard.
WINDSONG:
Oh, you really are.
It was embarrassingly easy
to do this.
Great. Right when everything
gets super cool --
Hush, my sweet countess.
Daddy's back.
Everything is just as it was.
Listen, I'm old hat
at kicking addictions, Dean.
Little boys, obsessive
relationships,
booze, and nail biting --
I kicked them all.
Mr. Hatred, l just have
some things to work out.
I'm not addicted to anything.
Denial is the first sign
of addiction.
[ Beeping ]
Ah, we have a winner.
Swing that light over here.
Yep. Explosives.
When Uncle Hatred was
a villain,
he used this kind
but in green.
Monarch crew used to steal
crap from us
and paint 'em yellow,
so looks like we discovered
Gary's little plan.
GATHERS:
Dart-19, what is your position?
SHORELEAVE:
Oh, hey, Hunter.
Yeah, we're in, uh, my room
listening to records.
Brook's gonna french braid
my hair.
GATHERS: Well, then,
don't bother going to SPHINX H.Q.
SPHINX H.Q. is heading
straight at us.
Straight at Baby Girl!
Switch your radar
to Delta 4.
- Rerouting for intercept.
- All right. You're on scene.
Now take her down.
And if you don't,
Baby Girl will.
Over and out.
This is unbelievable.
Ugh, what is Gary's damage?
He is destroying
my reputation
worse than that jock I dated
in high school.
DOC: Of course the science
racket isn't always serious.
Look -- it's a molecular
re-distributor,
and I'm sitting on it
like a horse.
[ chuckles ]
Brock just had to get the camera.
[ chuckles ]
So, who are the little girls?
Oh, those are my boys --
Raggedy Ann and Andy for
Halloween that year.
They grow up so fast.
Well, when you let them,
I mean.
[ door opens ]
Doc! Doc, I think --
Oh. Hello.
Doc, I need to talk privately.
We have some problems
that might be...
explosive.
[sighs]
Gentlemen,
I'll be right back.
My butler doesn't quite know
his place yet.
There's a picture of Venture
dressed as Rambo.
You gotta see this.
You will piss yourself.
Um, sweetie, Hatred found
the explosives.
Did you not catch that?
What the fuck is this?!
DOC: [muffled]
He did What?!
Get your crap.
We can leave through the back.
Why are you old guys
doing this? Revenge?
So, you wait 30 years for me
to put out a want ad?
You want the truth?
You're gonna hate it.
I don't even
like talking about it.
Might as well.
I'm clearly not busy here.
SPHINX was pretty serious.
Yeah, we got our asses kicked
by O.S.l. all the time,
but we were hard core.
When you join SPHINX,
we put a cyanide chip
right in your brain.
100% loyalty, or we flip
the switch.
Whoa. And I thought
my old job was nuts.
Well, you can't get
these things out.
And they don't last forever.
We all have maybe a year
left to live,
so when your ad came up,
we figured
we could go out
like SPHINX.
Flame it.
Well, we have nothing to do with
your acid head... problem.
Why can't you just let us go?
It would ruin the commander.
You look just like the Countess
in that outfit.
After she left him,
he hasn't been the same.
Yeah, that was
her strength suit.
Totally forgot it was
a strength suit.
All right.
Get to the bridge.
I'm gonna try and find
the engine room.
HATRED: You had a bad hit
of blotter and killed someone
'cause he learned
your terrible secret?
Maybe you masturbated
with a Furby.
What could be so bad?
I just know a little
too much.
You wanna rap about it?
You... want me to make up
a rhyme?
No, I was trying to be a --
Dean, growing up is hard.
It's supposed to be.
You're not like anyone.
You're -- you're Dean.
And you're the best Dean.
Huh.
That almost helps.
So, what?
We leave them here?
Yeah.
That'll send a message.
Steady on course.
I-I-I don't remember
this at all.
You are gonna have to get
over that damn photo.
I can't run this alone.
Look, look!
That is me in that picture.
I'm playing with Dr. Venture.
Playing!
Wee! Fun! Yay!
And who's that
in the background?
Oh, nobody -- just my parents.
Yes, fine, that's nuts.
Can we talk about this later?
I don't remember any
of this!
GATHERS: Blondie, Sailor Boy,
this is Smoke Stack.
Target is locked in.
We will open fire
if you do not respond.
Damn it, you two.
BROCK:
Smoke Stack, this is Blondie.
Hold your fire.
I'm in position.
Repeat. Hold your fire.
Just give me 10.
GATHERS:
Roger. Give 'em hell, son.
You heard 'em, kiddies.
Stay frosty.
[ mechanical whirring ]
All right, weirdo,
the game is over.
Knock this crap off, or I will
go karate bananas on you!
Countess!
Soon the O.S.l. will be
destroyed,
and we can finally be
together again.
Look, seriously,
I will karate you.
Ow. That is entirely
not necessary.
Ah, I remember kicking
your ass when I was a kid.
[grunts]
- Still fun.
Dude, the old SPHINX crew
is gonna attack the O.S.l.
any second.
Communications are down
and we're using these.
What is that?
It's a shake weight, I think.
I can't find anything else.
I can't even find fucking
Engineering.
Have you seen Hank?
Nice job, Gary.
You are in so much trouble.
SPHINX COMMANDER:
Brock Samson.
It's just like old times.
I thought you went
into the private sector.
Things change.
So, you and The Countess figured
you'd take the jalopy out
for one last ride?
- Brock, it's me, Hank.
- Hank?
What are you doing here,
and why --
why are you on his lap?
He needs my bosom, Brock.
Plus, the suit is frozen.
I can't move.
My Countess forgot that
her suit is programmed
to never hurt her man,
so put the crossbow down.
Hank, uh, can you
close your eyes?
- Of course.
- Then do it.
[Splat]
I can't open them yet,
can I?
- Nope.
Come on, man.
Oh, who's gonna feed
my snakes?
Wow. It's so depressing.
Just look at him.
I suddenly get why my dad
used to say,
"I'm not gonna punish you.
You've punished yourself enough."
My dad likes to punish us
while we punish ourselves.
I am a complete loser.
[sighs]
You know, I was thinking
that this kind of
looked better on you.
You work it like a wookiee.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
GATHERS:
Oh, I've been waiting to do this for 30 years.
Position artillery!
Arm all explosives!
Wait for my mark!
I want them to see us.
Monarch again.
It's exhausting.
You want me to go out there?
[scoffs]
What are they gonna do?
Drop a dinette set
on my lawn?
Detonate the explosives!
Fire all canons!
What the hell
was that?
I don't get it.
It looks like we just blew up...
...SPHINX for the last time.