The Unicorn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - No Pressure - full transcript

Thank you so much for dinner.

We have got to have you guys over soon.

Hey, uh, Ben, don't let me forget,

I have the metal tub for
your keg in my truck.

- Mm.
- Do you guys really throw a keg party

for your anniversary every year?

Yeah. When we first got married,
we couldn't afford a reception,

so we threw a big-ass party.

Yeah, that party was the
best night of my life.

- Aw.
- It was all we needed.

Still is.



Only difference now is that

we drop the kids off at Michelle's mom's

so that we can relive our honeymoon.

Which was just sex.

- We didn't go anywhere.
- Mm.

- You loved it.
- Well, we went on a bike tour

for our honeymoon, but
at the end of the day,

we were just too sore
down there to do anything.

Ah, ah. No, no.

We got creative.

- If you remember.
- Okay, done.

- Yeah.
- We all done.

Speaking of our anniversary party,

Wade, you know, you're welcome to bring



- a plus-one if you want.
- Oh, uh, thank you,

but I am not gonna bring anybody.

Yeah. That's fine.

But I... I do know who you should bring.

Anna. She's a doctor in my complex.

Okay? She is an infectious
disease specialist.

She is so cool. She's
traveled the world.

- She's had malaria twice.
- Uh, thanks,

Delia, but I'm gonna pass.

Oh! She's also very attractive.

God, why didn't I lead with that?

I appreciate

what you're trying to
do, really, but please,

stop trying to set me up.

Who have I tried to set you up with?

Uh, the receptionist
at your yoga studio.

Oh. Layla? No. Ugh.

Forget her. Okay?

I am substituting Anna for Layla.

Okay, all right, look, guys,
I know that you all mean well,

really, but I don't need to be set up.

Not with malaria lady,

not with Ben's friend from college

and not with Forrest's mail carrier.

She's shapely and reliable.

I mean, what more do you want?

Thank you for the support, guys.

Okay, ladies.

- Bye-bye.
- Thank you.

- Bye, Wade.
- Wade, thank you for hosting

widows group tonight.

Oh, yeah, and Stacey

feels really bad about
spilling that pinot.

Oh. Not a problem.

This rug has taken a beating.

Hey, what you were
talking about in group?

I have that same problem.

My friends will not
stop trying to set me up.

- Really?
- Ugh. Yeah.

Last week, they ambushed
me and introduced me

to this really nice guy who
was so emotionally available,

and I was just like,
"Ugh, gross, disgusting".

It's lame.

Caroline only goes for bad boys.

Oh, well, then,
I must be hard to resist.

I mean...

I'm so sorry, Wade.

It's okay.

- See you next week.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

So,

I have this work party tomorrow,
and I am dreading it.

It's gonna be nothing
but awkward introductions

to, you know, schlubby divorcés.

Yeah, our friends won't leave us
alone until we're with someone.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Do you want to come with me?

To your party?

Yes! Wade, you could be my fake date.

That way, everybody will back off,

and then I could enjoy the party...

eh... like-like a normal person.

You know what?

Hell yeah.

- I would be fake honored.
- Oh!

Well, I would really fake-appreciate it.

Well, to...

- fake-have a good time.
- Fake... oh, no, we'll really

- have a good time.
- No, we'll really have a...

- we won't fake that. Yeah, that's right.
- It'll be a fake date.

_

Oh, hey, Anna. How's it going?

Oh, hey.

You know, just, uh, consulted
on a patient who contracted

a mystery disease in Papua New Guinea.

- What?
- Turned out to be rat lungworm.

Man, that-that's, um...

Your job is just so exotic.

I mean, my morning
was four chapped butts

and a Lego jammed up a nose, but...

Ah, modern medicine's great,

but it'll never cure the love we have

for sticking weird things up our holes.

"Up our holes". You know...

I'm sorry, I'm just, uh...

I'm just so annoyed at my
salad because it's, like,

they gave me a fork, and,
um, the leaves are so big.

And, uh, it just makes me so
mad and, uh, why am I talking?

I don't know, 'cause I'm dumb. Okay...

What? No, no. I hate that.

Look, a salad should
never need a knife, ever.

That's the contract
salad makes with you.

It should always be fork only.

"Be fork only".

Hey, you know, um, so this
might sound a little crazy,

but, um, do you want to come
to a party on Saturday night?

'Cause I have this
friend Wade and I just,

I just feel like you guys
would really hit it off.

What the hell?

- Really?
- Yeah, I'm in.

This is great. Oh, that's great.

So how do you, uh,

get this rat lungworm thing?

Oh, usually, it's when
you eat raw vegetables,

and there's a slug in there
that's eaten infected rat feces.

That's, uh, that...

Hmm.

Ooh.

Listen, I have 50 guests.

That's five-zero.

What good is two ribs to me?

This will only feed five people.

- What happened?
- Hey, Michelle.

- How's it going?
- Not great.

I called to see if they had
ribs, right? And they said yes.

But then Kai put a bug in-in Zoe's hair

and Noah caught a
potholder on fire, and now,

three hours later, they're sold out.

Ah. Well, that's terrible.

But, you know, I mean, three
hours is kind of a long...

Unacceptable.

Joe, unacceptable.

Come on.

Oh, and now I've got
to come back tomorrow.

But I can't come back tomorrow,

because I have a thousand
things to do tomorrow,

which I would've did today, but I didn't

because that man said they had ribs.

Sorry, it's just a lot.

No. I-I get it. Yeah.

We all get overwhelmed
sometimes, you know?

Some mornings I wake up
feeling like such a fraud

that I don't even know
if I can get out of bed.

What do you do?

Oh, I get out of bed anyway, and
then I just go through the day

with this gnawing feeling
that I'm not good enough.

I have so much to do to
get ready for this party.

I don't know how I'm-a get it all done.

If you told Ben, I'm sure he would...

No. I'm sorry.

Forget I said anything, okay?

Yeah, I ran into Michelle
today at the grocery store

and she sort of confided in me

that she's feeling overwhelmed
cooking for this party.

Like, it's too much.

And, uh, she told me

not to say anything and...

I-I feel like we're at a real
turning point in our friendship.

Hey. How was your date?

Uh, it was good. But
it wasn't really a date.

I was just helping
out my friend Caroline.

Her friends keep trying to set her up.

I know it's a little weird, right?

I don't think so. It's
like in fourth grade

when I got Josh F. to be my boyfriend

so that gross Tyler
would leave me alone.

Uh, I'm sorry. Hold on.

You had a boyfriend in the fourth grade?

Yeah. Everyone did.

Besides Quinn 'cause she was too tall.

What made Josh F. your boyfriend?

Nothing. He was just my boyfriend.

You're not missing anything, Dad.

- Hey.
- Hi. I just wanted to tell you

that Anna is coming to
Ben and Michelle's party.

Oh, Delia, I-I don't want to be set up.

I know, and that's why

this is totally super
chill. No pressure.

But I know in my bones

you're just gonna fall
madly in love with her.

Oh, my God. I cannot wait.

Okay. Bye.

- What's up?
- Nothing.

It's just Delia being "super chill".

- Hi.
- Hey, Caroline.

- Oh! My fake boyfriend.
- Are...

- are you game for another fake date?
- Yes!

Ooh, this fake relationship
is moving so fast.

Spicy.

- What? What is it? What?
- Hey.

- You sound stressed.
- I'm not stressed.

I'm a woman with four kids making food

for 50 people tomorrow; this
is just how that person sounds.

Well, not anymore.

Because... I'm getting
the party catered!

- What?
- I'm getting the party catered!

You deserve to relax, sit
back and not lift a finger.

This is our anniversary.

- And you are my queen.
- Okay,

- where did you order from?
- Don't worry.

I found this amazing little
hole-in-the-wall spot.

It's called, uh, Mama's. It's fantastic.

It gets five stars from everyone.

- Baby, I got this.
- Okay, that works for me.

You know what? No, thanks, I'm good.

Ooh-whee.

Look at my hot wife. Damn.

You know I could get used to this.

Oh. There's the food.

Uh, no-no.

Hey, why don't you go
pour yourself a drink

while I set up the buffet?

- All right! Yes. Come on.
- Oh! Hey!

Come on in. Set that down right there.

- You need help with the rest?
- This is it.

This is all of it?

This is all Mama gave me.

For 50 people?

Cool. All right, man.

- Need any help?
- No!

Hey.

- Happy anniversary!
- Happy anniversary!

Thank you. Welcome.

Hey, I bet someone's enjoying
not cooking today, huh?

Actually, I'm loving it.

Oh, good.

- Baby.
- Oh.

Congratulations. 15 years, boo.

Thank you, baby. Oh, it smells so good.

Yeah, it looks so good.

I'm gonna load up on some ribs.

Rib.

Singular. Serving is one per person.

All right.

Damn, Doug! Easy on the mac and cheese.

I'm kidding, Doug. I'm kidding.

Help yourself, brother.

But really, that's a lot, Doug.

I'll get that for you.

I wonder when Anna's gonna get here.

Oh, it's gonna be so
fun to see each other

not in doctor clothes.

What is it with you and this chick, huh?

I mean, what, are you hooking
up with her or something?

And I know, I-I come across

as the kind of husband who'd be
totally into that kind of thing,

but... not true.

- Okay.
- Not true.

I'd be very deeply wounded.

Noted.

Uh, hey, uh,

thank you for doing this.

Oh, hey, it's only fair.

And listen, I may need you in June

- for a wedding I have coming up.
- Uh, I'm there.

Oh, Wade, good.

Whew, you made it. Um...

Oh... Caroline? Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm sorry. I mean,

um, how are you?

I'm wonderful. How are you?

I'm... No, really,
what are you doing here?

- Uh, she is with me.
- Yeah.

She is my date.

- Yeah!
- Oh.

- Date.
- Uh...

Uh...

- Could you just excuse us for one second?
- Sure.

I just want to ask
about these support...

- You're dating Caroline?
- Yes, I am.

What-What's wrong with Caroline?

She's fine, but she's not Anna,
who's gonna be here any minute.

Oh. Why didn't you say anything
before I set you up with her?

Uh, I did. I said, "Delia,

please don't set me up with anyone".

Yeah, but the... 'cause I... and this...

- That's what you said.
- No. Oh, my, oh, my.

Sorry, I just, I... come on,
honey, I'm starving.

We're gonna go get some food.

She's hungry.

Hey. What are you doing?

Sorry.

Uh, uh, Ben only let me have one rib.

So I'm-I'm, uh, I'm
feeling a little tipsy.

Did you know that Wade
is dating Caroline?

What is Anna gonna think?
I feel like such an idiot.

Oh, don't worry about it.

It's hard, I know.
I hear you. I've been there.

Work crushes are tough.

I don't know, tell Anna
you want to be friends.

I'm not gonna tell her
I want to be friends.

I'm not five years old.

I have a 401.

- I have sciatica.
- Hey, Delia.

- Anna, hi! Oh, hi.
- Hi.

This is my husband Forrest.

- It is so lovely to finally meet you, Anna.
- You, too.

- Um, I have to go to...
- Okay.

- Okay. Hi.
- Hi.

- Um, all right, so, where's this Wade guy?
- Yeah.

So this is really awful.

Um, I got here, and I found out

that he's dating someone else.

This is so embarrassing.

Anyway, just, I feel so bad.

Seriously, don't.
It's so not a big deal.

- Truly.
- Oh. Thank you.

- Yeah. It's nothing.
- Oh...

- Mostly here for the keg anyway.
- Oh, my God, I love you.

I love her. Love her.

Careful, Lisa.

- Why is everybody so wasted?
- Uh...

They may not have gotten enough food.

Well, why wouldn't they? It was so good.

I'm gonna go get some more.

Yeah, you can't. It's gone.

What? How?

I didn't get enough.

I've been rationing it out,
and then the rations ran out.

Baby, I'm sorry!

Lis-Lisa! Don't eat
that! That's potpourri.

It's a real pickle.

Sadly, there are no pickles.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm so hungry,

I was hoping... I don't even
know what I was hoping.

Okay, all right, hold on.

- We got bread. Right?
- Okay.

Cheese.

- Yeah.
- Bottom of the barrel, but that's all right.

- And a little coleslaw.
- Coleslaw.

Care to share a cheese and
coleslaw sandwich with me?

Uh, yeah. Yes, I do.

Um, oh, yeah...

Mmm... mmm. Aw.

Um, I don't know if it's
the starvation talking,

but, uh, that's, uh, that's tasty.

- Right? Yeah. See?
- Mmm. Mmm.

- I happen to be good at improvising.
- Yeah.

Well, now, I wouldn't want
to mess with perfection,

- Right.
- but... how about a little hot sauce?

- Oh, hell yes.
- Yeah?

- Yes.
- Okay. All right. All right.

Here we go. And...

Okay, bring it in.

Come on, that's delicious.

I mean, that's...

How did I not think of that?

Uh, I don't... Two-two
minds are better than one.

Clearly. Um, look, I'm Anna, by the way.

Wait a second,

you're Anna? You're Delia's Anna?

And you're Delia's Wade.

I am.

Wade with a girlfriend?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

It was very nice meeting you, Wade.

You stupid, stupid man.

- Uh, hey, Caroline.
- Yeah?

I, uh, I met a woman.

- Oh!
- And, uh, we had a definite moment.

- Oh, Wade, that's great.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, it's great, uh...
- Yeah.

The only problem is she thinks
that I have a girlfriend.

Who's that?

You.

Yes. Yeah, yes.

Yes. You know what, I think I
might be a little bit buzzed.

Yeah, yeah, uh, anyway, um,

I-I think we're gonna have
to end this fake relationship.

Oh, okay. Hey, listen,
do you want me to stage

just a big, nasty breakup?

Uh, no. No, I think, I think we're good.

- Okay. Agreed.
- Yeah. Okay, all right, okay.

Oh, um, hey, Wade?

Um...

You were never emotionally
available to me!

What're you doing?

I'm making 15 boxes of mac and cheese.

Yeah, me.

The woman who's famous for her homemade

four-cheese mac and cheese.
This is my nightmare.

Baby, you're being a little dramatic.

Oh, is that what I'm being?

Am I being dramatic?

I'm sorry, baby, I thought
I had it all under control.

I had the ribs in my hand, Ben.

I had enough ribs to feed
all the people in my hands.

I know. I messed up.

I don't blame you for being mad.

Baby, I'm not even mad at you.

I'm mad at me.

I should've just cooked the food myself.

I was trying to save you the stress.

When Forrest told me that you were...

I'm sorry. Hold up. Forrest?

Yeah, Forrest.

He told me that you were
feeling overwhelmed, and...

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. Baby, listen,

I just get a little crazy stressed.

Every year.

You do? You never show it.

Because it's just a
moment, and I get over it,

and every year, the party's a blast,

and everyone compliments me on my food,

and I forget about how hard it was.

That's my process.

It is?

Yeah. How do you think
we have four kids?

- Oh, you know, I got a couple ideas.
- Okay.

I'm not all the way there yet...

but it's our anniversary.

I love you, and we should be having fun.

Yeah. Yeah.

You're right, baby, we got this.

And you know what? I'm sorry.

I should've never listened to Forrest.

And I should've never
let him see me weak.

Excuse me.

Uh, hey, Anna. Hey.

Hey, Wade, what's up?

Oh, uh, what's up?

Uh...

Is your ride close?

Uh... no, it's very far.

Ah. Okay, great, great. Um, look,

this is, this is not even
that big of a deal, really.

I just, I didn't want you to leave
with the wrong impression,

if you even have an impression.

I-I don't know, I probably
didn't even make an impression,

and if I didn't, that's
okay, that's-that's cool.

Yeah, okay, so now the
ride is kind of close.

I'm not dating Caroline.

Um...

she's just a friend
from my widows group.

I'm a, I'm a widower.

And, uh,

we were pretending to date,

uh, so that our friends would
stop trying to set us up.

It's just way too much pressure.

And, um... and I...

I... I just wanted to meet somebody,

and I wanted to feel something.

Uh...

So now that information is yours,

and I hope that you have

a good evening.

It was really nice to meet you.

Well, that was nice.

That was really nice.

Um, I'm-I'm sorry.

It's okay, it's okay.

We're not teenagers, you know?

I mean, life's a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah, it, uh, it is.

But I don't know, I kind of,

I kind of feel like
a teenager right now.

Um...

- I think I should...
- Anyway. You should, yeah. Okay.

- Okay.
- Yeah. Okay.

- Uh, here, oh, let me, uh, let me get the door.
- Okay.

For Anna, right? Okay.

All right, um... yeah.

Bye.

Bye.

This box stuff is so horrible.

I'll make you the real
stuff tomorrow, baby.

Wade, Wade, Wade, Wade, come here, man!

- Hey!
- Hey.

- Hey, you good, man?
- Yeah, man.

- I'm so good.
- Wade!

Did you get her number?
Did you kiss her?

Who?

- Wait, what happened? Did you kiss Anna?
- Whoa, hey, hey.

It's personal, that's personal. Shh.

- You did! Yes, you so did.
- That's personal, that's personal.

Wait, you were just with me,

and then you go out and you kiss her.

Oh, you are a bad boy.

Whoa, whoa, Caroline, whoa.

I'm sorry, I'm wasted.

You kissed her, you kissed
her, gonna be her mister.