The Unicorn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 18 - No Matter What the Future Brings - full transcript

Delia, this outfit, does it make it look

- like I'm trying too hard?
- Honey,

do you remember when my mother
thought she was the first person

to discover Bitmojis?

- (LAUGHS): Yeah.
- Yeah. This is like that.

Except I can't block it.

I'm just so nervous, you know? I...

I'm trying to get a job at this company,

and the oldest person there is, like,

15 years younger than I am.

You've got this. Just breathe. Calm.



- Centered.
- Nobody in the history

of humanity has ever been calmed
or centered by that gesture.

- Okay.
- Oh, hey,

hey, what about the beanie?

It's got a picture

of a little beanie on it.

That's meta. Young people live for meta.

Honey, I'm sorry, but you
are really overthinking this.

Age is just a number.

It doesn't mean anything.

You just got to believe in
yourself and your skills.

And your...

beautiful, shiny head.

- (PHONES RING)
- Hmm.



_

FORREST (ON SPEAKERPHONE):
I'm just worried

because Jill's birthday
hit Wade so hard last year.

Poor guy. Wouldn't leave
the cemetery for hours.

I would check on him, but...

I-I can't, you know, 'cause... Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Ear things down.

Ben. Hey, Ben.

Hang on, okay? Don't hang up.

I'm gonna go ahead and hang up now.

I will get Michelle to check in

on Wade, though. She's free.

Ben?

Ben.

MICHELLE: Oh, I'm free? Sure.

All I've got to do is

drop off four kids,
grab Kai's cap and gown,

and decorate for his
graduation party tomorrow.

I'd check in on Wade myself,

but I have to work.

I mean... clearly motherhood is work.

More flexible hours.

Or less. (GROANS)

- I should stop talking.
- Yes, you should.

But I'll go check on Wade.

Ben?

Ben, you there?

- GRACE: This could not be any worse!
- WADE: Grace.

You need to open the door.

I'm sure the dress looks wonderful.

It's a disaster! Justin
can't see me like this.

Do you really think Justin
can see me like this?

I can't see you like this.

Will you please just open the door?

You-you look great.

Really? This is what looks great,

the fact that you can see my bra?

Is that what you're saying
looks great? That's weird.

- I didn't say that.
- So you're saying I look great

as long as I'm standing against a wall?

So I should just stand against
a wall the entire night tonight?

- That's your solution?
- Yes, that's my solution.

That is so not funny!

Grace, come on, I'm just...

She's been acting like this all week.

Do you think she's on drugs?

Worse. She's a teenager.

Oh, my God.

Oh! My-my...

my lips are on fire.

You kissed me right on my acne medicine.

What... Since when do you have acne?!

(GROANS)

♪♪

MICHELLE: Wade?

Hey, hey, hey. Come in.

Oh, am I interrupting?

No, no, not at all.

I was just checking on you,

with Jill's birthday and everything.

Thank you. We're...

- we're doing okay.
- Okay, well,

when I saw the thing on Facebook...

I know. Yeah.

I thought about closing
the account, but...

people leave such nice messages.

Oh, what are they writing? Ooh,
sorry. I didn't mean to look at that.

Oh, no, no, no. That's-that's fine.

What you do when you're
alone, that's your business.

It's not porn, Michelle.

I'm bra shopping.

- Okay.
- For Grace.

So that she can look good

- for some horrible boy.
- (CHUCKLES)

I mean, I shouldn't say that.

I'm sure he's a very
nice guy. But I hate him.

- On principle.
- I mean, I can't believe it.

I mean, it wasn't that long
ago that all she wanted to do

on Friday nights was curl
up on the couch with me,

eat ice cream and watch
terrible Tinker Bell movies.

- Yeah. Time flies.
- Yeah.

Speaking of, I have to go save
some seats for Kai's graduation.

Preschool parents are jackals.

Can someone please bring Eli a Gatorade?

I need a urine sample from
him, and he's given me nothing.

- What's going on?
- The rep from Vizor Pharma

is here, and you're blocking my view.

Okay, guys, are we in an office,

or is this a...

Oh.

That's an... attractive man.

Can I interest any of you in
a pop socket or a stress ball?

I'll take both. (CHUCKLES)

How about you, Dr. Delia?

(GIGGLES): You...

No, that's what my patients call me.

You just call me
Delia, or just whatever.

Well, you know, old habits die hard.

That's true, th-that's
true, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What... what are we...
what are we talking about?

I was your patient.

Ted Lasker.

Teddy Lasker?

Who used to put the
Hot Wheels up your... ?

- Yep. That was me.
- Wh...

You're so...

big now.

Big.

Big boy.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ah.

Oh, good. I didn't miss anything.

You missed Kai having a meltdown

because his robe was itchy.

- Hmm.
- And Kai refusing to look at the camera

for his picture, and Kai's slap fight

with his best friend Lucas.

Okay, I get it. I'm sorry.

- But on the upside...
- Hmm?

(SINGSONGY): ... this is
the last kid in preschool.

Meaning?

Meaning starting this fall,

they'll all be in
school seven hours a day.

Think of all the extra time you'll have.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Just emotional that little Kai

is about to be a graduate.

(SMACKS LIPS) Preschool graduate.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- Hey, girls!

- BOTH: Hey, Dad.
- Grace, I got bras.

Ten of 'em. They had questions

that I couldn't answer, so...
I went with every possibility.

Thanks, Dad, for going to
that trouble, but, um...

I've decided I'm not going to the dance.

- What happened?
- Nothing happened.

I'd just rather stay at home,
have some ice cream

and watch a movie. Is that okay?

Uh, of-of course that's okay.

- Yeah, whatever you want.
- Cool. Thanks.

Okay.

Awesome. What are we gonna watch?

Um...

Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

(GROANS) How about
something from this century?

(SIGHS)

And Tobin breaks free! She heads

down the field, goes for the kick and...

Oh!

You're supposed to block it!

- I did.
- With your hands.

- (GROANING)
- You weren't paying attention.

What's up with you?

(EXHALES)

I just wish I knew what was going on

with Grace and this dance.

I know what's going on.

Justin got pink eye.

Oh. Okay. Well,

can't she just go with her friends?

Well, she was supposed
to go with Jenna and Nika,

but then Jenna and
Nika, they have dates,

so then she felt like
she'd be the fifth wheel,

but then she could go
with Lexi, Claire and Maisie,

but then Lexi and Maisie
aren't talking to each other,

so Grace would have to pick sides,

so then that leaves
Audrey, Tess and Phoebe,

- but then they're like the Three Musketeers, so...
- Yeah, okay, okay,

I get it, I get it... she doesn't
have anyone to go with.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

(SIGHS)

♪♪

(CHEERING)

(CHOKED UP): Look at my little man.

(STIFLED SOBS)

Forrest?

- Huh?
- Uh, Asher's ready to see you now.

Great. Here I come.

Got a little beanie on your beanie.

- It's meta.
- Oh. No, I know.

All right, well, let's,
get you back there.

Right. Damn it.

BEN: So, she still wants

to watch movies with you on the couch.

- That's great!
- Yeah, but is it?

I mean, it's her first dance.

I mean, she should
go to her first dance,

- shouldn't she?
- (SCOFFS)

You're talking to the wrong guy.

I just fell apart at a
five-year-old's graduation.

(GRUNTS)

Once my little man learns
how to wipe his own butt,

I'm gonna lose it.

Ah.

(SIGHS)

Kid next door still scared of you?

When I walked in on him and
Grace making out last year,

I think I made a negative
impression on him.

Mmm.

You know, he's not a bad kid.

Mr. Felton.

Don't worry, Andrew, I come in peace.

Andrew just asked me to the dance.

Did he? Really?

That's so nice. I-I love Andrew.

What'd you do?

N-Nothing.

(EXHALES)

I was just thinking

that you don't have anybody
to go with and you like him,

and he really likes you.

Did you talk to him?!

For, like, one minute.

Did you threaten him again?

Look, I didn't threaten him
the first time, Grace. Come on.

How do you even know he
really wants to go with me?

Oh, please. He totally
likes you. It's gross.

Shut up.

(SIGHS): I don't know.

Andrew? I mean, it's-it's
not what I expected.

No, but sometimes
unexpected can be wonderful.

I mean, you remember how I met your mom.

Yes, we know. She ran up to you

at the mall like a crazy woman.

Because she found this
dirty old teddy bear.

It was a stuffed dog,
and she was worried

that some little kid lost it, so...

I helped her look. And after an hour

of bothering everybody in
the mall, we found the kid.

And the look on your mother's face...

- I will...
- That's when you knew you had to see her again.

Yeah.

We know. You've told us this story

- a hundred times, Dad.
- And it makes

- you and Mom sound like huge dorks.
- WADE: Yeah,

well, if we hadn't
have found each other,

you two little dorks wouldn't be here.

You know what?

I'm gonna tell Andrew yes.

- Oh, my God, the dance is in two hours!
- What?

Oh, well, that's plenty of time.

I can see from the look on
your faces that it's not.

♪♪

Ben, pin me.

I gotcha.

Okay, danglies or hoops?

Uh, danglies.

- Smile.
- WADE: Are these the chunky,

strappy ones?

They all had straps.

- Wow.
- (LAUGHS)

Thanks, Dad.

And... thanks for making me go tonight.

Of course.

And neither of these
are the shoes I wanted.

- I'll go...
- Try again?

- Yeah, I'll keep... yes, keep going.
- Yeah.

- MICHELLE: Come on, Grace.
- Okay.

GRACE: Sorry. Let's put on
the other earring. Hold on.

Now look over here.

Look over here. Uh, Andrew?

- Look here.
- Put your chin down.

Look right here, look right here at me.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Guys, guys, if you
let me take a good one,

I'll e-mail it to you,
okay? All right, so...

put your hands... ah...
straighten out your jacket,

and your shoulders, put
your shoulders up high.

Guys, guys, guys! Guys!

- Forrest...
- I got it!

- You got what?
- I got the job! I start on Monday!

- Please.
- BEN: Wow!

- Congratulations!
- Yay!

- Congratulations!
- Can you guys just... Can we still...

Yes! You got the job! Yes!

I just want... I'm just trying...

Oh, my God! Look at you!
You guys look so great!

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

All right, guys. Okay,
great. Just look...

- Please, just look right here really quick.
- (HORN HONKS)

Uh, sorry, my mom's getting impatient.

Dad, can we please go?

Of course.

Yes, of course you can.

Go ahead. Go. Come on.

Okay. Hi. Hey. Hey. Paparazzi.

Bye.

- Okay, bye.
- WADE: Bye-bye.

(BEN AND WADE SIGH)

There she goes.

You did it.

We all did it.

(SIGHS)

You good, Wade?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

I'm just gonna go pace
around till Grace gets home.

- (GROANS LOUDLY)
- (LAUGHS)

Forrest, beer run.

I have no idea what's going on.

- Where is she going?
- Yeah, we got a lot to fill you in on.

- Yeah, totally.
- Hey, but you got the job!

I got the job, though! Right?

- I told you. I told you.
- (LAUGHS) It's good.

- WADE: To Jill on her birthday.
- (GLASSES CLINK)

- Cheers.
- DELIA: And to my Forrest

and his new job.

- Aw. Thank you, sweetie.
- Aw, I'm so proud of you.

Wow, what a night.

WADE: You know, I will never forget

the first time we walked Grace

out that door to go to kindergarten.

And now she's at a dance with a boy

- and Natalie's got acne.
- (LAUGHS)

I mean, how-how could
time move so quickly?

- DELIA: Wow.
- FORREST: You know what? I bought

a light bulb the other day.

And it's one of those
new ones, you know,

that's supposed to last 15 years.

And I realized

that the next time I change this bulb,

Addie will have graduated from college.

- DELIA: What?
- Wow.

- Yeah. It's like, what is going on?
- MICHELLE: Tell me about it.

For the last 12 years, I've
had at least one little one

underneath me all day long,

getting on my nerves.

Now they're gonna all be in school

for seven hours a day.
What am I gonna do?

- Are you thinking about getting a job?
- MICHELLE: Job?

I haven't been in the
workforce for 12 years.

I only have a year
and a half of college.

What kind of job can I get?

BEN: You could take
some time for yourself.

- Relax.
- I can't relax all day. That's stressful.

- Hmm.
- DELIA: You think time

is just kind of standing still.

You know, you're in the
same house, same office,

same doctor scale that
looks like a giraffe.

And yet little kids that didn't know

where to park their Hot
Wheels are growing up,

having sex, getting jobs,

being hot.

MICHELLE: I'm sure I agree with you.

- DELIA: Yeah.
- But what?

- (LAUGHS)
- FORREST: And when I was unemployed,

the days just crawled by.

And now I got a weekend before
I have to go back to work.

- (CHUCKLES)
- You know, and I had so many plans, too.

I was gonna take sailing lessons.

I-I was gonna build that model ship.

- Yeah.
- I was gonna binge The Wire.

- Oh, I hear that's such a great show.
- 20 people told me

- I need to watch that.
- Yeah.

- I still haven't even seen Breaking Bad.
- FORREST: Guys,

we're not that old.

We're not that old. Come on.

- Who wants a refill?
- DELIA: Oh, not me.

'Cause it's 8:15. Oh, my God!

- I am a hundred years old.
- (LAUGHTER)

- And guess what? It was Andrew.
- ♪♪

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, Grace was so nervous.

And I was so nervous, but...

(SIGHS)

We pulled it off.

I wish you could have seen her.

Oh, she was...

(SIGHS) She was glowing.

Just so... so beautiful.

So grown-up.

As for me, well...

I know you were worried about me.

But I'm doing okay.

I've been trying to get out
into the dating world, but...

but you're a tough act to follow.

And you know what?

Maybe you were the one
true love of my life, Jill.

Maybe lightning doesn't strike twice.

And if so,

well, I got to have you for 20 years.

Which makes me the luckiest guy ever.

I'm sorry I missed your birthday.

(GRUNTS)

I hope you like the flowers.

I love you.

(GROANS)

(EXHALES)

Let me ask you something, Ben.

- Mm-hmm.
- Do you like college girls?

Okay, look, I don't know
what you think you saw, baby,

but you go to these sports
sites, and these windows.

They just... they just pop up.
You don't have to do anything...

Stop. I don't know what
you're talking about,

and I don't want to know.

I was looking for a sexy
way to tell you something.

Okay.

Now, Kai going to school
is just the beginning.

Before we know it,
Sahai's gonna be driving.

Then Noah, God help us.

- Okay, that's terrifying.
- Yeah.

So I need to figure
out what's next for me.

I never finished school,
and it's about time.

I've got a mind for business,
and it's just being wasted.

Michelle Taylor, college girl.

- I like the sound of that.
- (CHUCKLES)

Ooh.

Walking across the quad
on a hot summer day,

- book bag slung over your back.
- Okay.

So what are you looking
at on that computer?

They just pop up!

- Forrest, are you busy? Huh?
- (SIGHS) Yes.

I'm trying to get this
finished before I start work.

And I glued the mast to the centerboard,

and I tried to pull them
apart, and the mast got bent,

and then the centerboard
got glued to my arm and...

- Okay.
- Oh, great.

- Now my earbuds are glued to my fingers.
- Okay, Forrest.

I don't know. I'm just...

I'm distracted. I'm trying
to watch The Wire.

- It's just so complicated.
- Okay. You know what?

Just, like, don't worry
about that right now

because I've got a new plan.

We're going to Costa Rica.

(CHUCKLES): Why?

We need to live.

Time, it's just, um...

It's biting us in the ass

is what it's doing, and
we need to bite it back.

- In Costa Rica?
- Yes!

We're gonna zip-line.

We're gonna feel the wind
through our safety harnesses.

But-but I start work on Monday.

No, you can't.

We need to live before
it's just too late.

Deels, breathe. Calm.

Centered.

- Oh, my God.
- (LAUGHS)

- It is so annoying on this end.
- Yeah.

- Hmm.
- Hey, Delia,

the days are flying by
because we're having fun.

So we're getting old. So what?

There is nobody on this planet,

nobody that I would
rather grow old with.

Forrest.

You're so sweet. (CHUCKLING)

Oh, Delia, Delia, your arm
is glued to the hull of the...

- It's...
- What? Oh.

Hmm.

Well...

So, do you want to watch
some of The Wire?

WOMAN: Shh, shh, shh!

Come on. Hey. Hey. Hey, man. Hey.

Don't... Just don't... Stop. Stop it!

WADE: Whoa, whoa, that-that's a...

That... That's a skunk.

Yes. Yes, it is.

His little foot is injured.

See? And he's caught
up in all that mesh.

And he keeps trying
to run toward the road.

You're gonna get run over, dude.

- Uh, can I... can I help?
- Yes, thank you. God, yeah. Thanks.

Um...

I don't know. Distract him, and I'll...

go around the back?

Oh! Oh, oh, oh.

Okay, coward!

Well, I'm coming back.

(GRUNTING)

(CLATTERING)

- Oh. Okay.
- All right, here we go. Here we go.

- Okay.
- Okay, uh,

so, you, uh, you-you keep him calm.

- Okay.
- And, uh,

- and I'm just gonna creep up on him.
- Yeah.

- Right? Yeah, unthreatening. Right?
- Sure. Yeah.

Not... We're not gonna threaten him.

- Okay, easy does it, baby.
- Okay, okay.

- Easy. Easy, easy.
- Uh...

You're all right, just
i-ignore the man with the box.

- (SKUNK CHITTERS)
- (BOTH SCREAMING)

- Oh, God!
- Oh, God!

- I'm hit.
- Oh. Oh, God, it got in my mouth.

It's in my mouth.

(BOTH COUGHING)

- You know it's gonna be bad, but...
- I can't breathe!

- It's so much worse than I imagined.
- It's everywhere!

- Right? Yeah, no, it's everywhere.
- Oh, God!

What did we expect? It was a skunk.

Well, I don't know about
you, but I feel like

we got nothing left to lose.

- Yeah, I agree. Yeah.
- Right? Yeah. Okay.

- All right. I'm gonna go in.
- All right. You go in?

- Yeah. Oh, God.
- Okay.

- Oh, God. Oh, God.
- It's so bad. Okay.

- Ah. Ha! Yes! Yes!
- Oh, yeah!

- Yeah!
- Yes! We have an injured skunk under a box.

- What do we do now?
- We...

go to my vet. He's,
like, ten minutes away.

I can...

I can open the back of my car.

- Can you flip this guy?
- Uh, yeah, I'll try.

- Oh, it's-it's so bad.
- Okay. Um, okay.

Oh!

All right, it's open?

- I got it.
- Here we go.

And... (GRUNTING)

Ah! Oh, my God!

- You okay?
- (EXHALES)

Are you-you sure you
want him in your car?

I smell way worse than he does,
and I'm gonna get in there, so...

Okay.

Oh... Uh, hey, that was, uh...

that was really nice teamwork.

(CHUCKLES): Thank you. Yeah.

Thanks for being so brave
and... ugh... so stupid.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- Yeah.

- I, uh...
- (SKUNK CHITTERS)

Oh, God, he's spraying again.

- I got to go. I got to go.
- Go, go, go.

- Go, go, go. Yes.
- Sorry. Thank you.

(COUGHS)

(ENGINE STARTS)

- (HORN HONKS)
- I got a skunk in the car, jerk!

(KIDS LAUGHING)

(DIALOGUE INAUDIBLE)

Uh, Natalie, do you guys
have anything better to do?

Nope.

- It's so weird.
- Well,

it seems weird now,
but before you know it,

you girls are gonna
explore your own sexuality.

- No! We're not talking about this.
- No.

- No.
- We can talk about it.

- You're my mom!
- Stop it!

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- Hey, everybody.

- Oh, God! Oh!
- God!

- Why do you smell like that?
- It's you.

I can taste it. It's in my mouth.

Who is that?

I just got sprayed by a skunk.

It's the worst thing I ever smelled.

- MICHELLE: Wade, outside, please.
- All right. Uh, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Uh...

- Oh, God!
- Okay, all right. Uh, hey, can I... ?

- Uh, come here. Come on, come here.
- Oof.

Oh, look.

Grace brought Andrew to the party.

Yeah, great. Back up.

(CHUCKLES): How did you
get sprayed by a skunk?

Is this one of those
weird country guy things?

Do you eat them?

No. No, no, no, no.
It's-it's a long story.

But, guys, I think I
may have met someone.

I-I can't stop thinking about her.

Well, who is she?

I have no idea.