The Unicorn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - No Exit - full transcript

Oh, man, this place is so great.

I know, I'm excited. Hey,

I saw on Yelp that this escape room

is the toughest in the city.

Yeah, and it's James Bond-themed.

- Mm-hmm.
- Luckily, a certain guy in our group,

a certain cool guy, knows
everything there is to know

about England's
greatest gentleman agent.

That would be me.

Okay, explain why this is gonna be fun?

So, we're paying to spend an hour
in a room searching for things?



Y'all know I have four
kids. I do this all day.

Give it a chance, baby.

Sounds like it could be fun.

And don't worry, Michelle.
We're gonna be done in no time

'cause I'm a whiz at puzzles.

Oh, yeah. Delia's our secret weapon.

She finished the Friday sudoku

in eight minutes and 11 seconds.

Yeah, okay.

Stop timing me, you goof.

Come on. You know,

how great is this? Wade's
no longer the odd man out.

Yeah.

- Yeah, it's pretty great.
- God,



when was the last time we all went out

- on an adventure together?
- Oh, man, hey,

was it that time we went

to the murder mystery dinner
for Jill and Wade's anniversary?

- Oh! That was so fun!
- That was, right?

Yeah, but the food was terrible.

I thought I was gonna die for real.

- Hello, agents.
- Oh.

- What?
- Congratulations.

You've all been granted

triple-O status, the
credentials to assassinate.

Don't you mean... You mean
"license to kill," right?

Thanks to a cease and
desist order, I do not.

My name is Jared, and
I regret to inform you

that you are all now prisoners
of the ruthless Silverhand.

That's so weak.

Come on, man, just try
and get into it, please.

- Yeah, go ahead, man, go ahead.
- You have one hour

to search for clues, solve
puzzles and complete tasks

in order to escape and
destroy Silverhand's...

hydro-sonic laser.

Wait, does it kill people,

- or does it just clean their teeth?
- It kills people.

Uh, don't worry, I'll protect you.

- No, you don't worry, I will protect you.
- No, I'll protect you.

- No, I shall protect you.
- I shall protect you.

- I will protect you.
- I'm protecting you. I'm protecting you.

Uh, this is a liability release form.

I need you and your husband to sign it.

- What? Him?
- Yo-You thought that we were together?

- That's so funny. No, no, no, no, no.
- No, we're not together.

I mean, we came here together,

- but we're not married or...
- Do we give off that vibe?

- Not married.
- 'Cause we are dating.

- We're dating.
- We're dating, and, you know, he's great.

- You're great.
- You-You're great.

Well, thanks. But yeah,
so this is brand-new.

I-I was married, but this is... Yeah.

- I think he gets it.
- No, no, no. Yeah.

- I mean, you get it.
- You get it.

It's not... We're not...

Nobody's knocking the institution.

So you want two forms.

- That'd be great. Yeah. Cool.
- Yeah, that's be great, thanks.

You may now enter the lair.

Once I seal the door there is no escape.

What do you... No escape?

But we can zip out if we
want some fresh air, right?

No. This lock cannot be opened.

But it can be opened

if somebody really needed to zip out.

No zipping.

Let's do this!

Okay, I'm gonna get my first challenge.

You okay, big fella?

Okay?

I'm loving this.

Oh, hey, guys, remember
to look under stuff.

- People never think of under.
- Yeah, good idea.

Uh... Uh...

Whoa, hey!

I think I found the first puzzle.

Looks like a high-stakes card game.

Oh, very impressive, Mr. Bond.

Thank you. And who might you be?

Me? My name is Lady Sexytime.

I'm sorry, I'm really bad at accents.

- Pretty good.
- Okay, guys, so this...

This seems like a poker game here.

- I found a briefcase. It's locked.
- Oh.

Great. So we've just got
to find the combination.

Yeah. So, okay, all right.

- Okay, I got this. Okay.
- You go it. Watch this.

All right, um, okay, all
right, so we're just gonna

just add up the value of all the cards.

It seems like that's
gonna be too many numbers.

- Yeah.
- Oh, okay. Yeah. Right.

Okay, okay. Um...

- You got this.
- No, I know.

I'm just shaking off all
the cobwebs. Okay. Um...

Yeah. All right,

it has to do with the
color of the suits.

- Color of the suits.
- Yeah, color.

- Diamond.
- No. Oh!

What year was poker invented?

Uh, who-who would just know that?

Yeah.

Okay, can you just give me a minute?

'Cause I-I'm gonna get this.

- Okay.
- Yeah. I will get this.

I know I'm gonna get...

I know I'm gonna get this.

Uh, are you okay?

I didn't realize how small
this room was gonna be.

Oh, no, are you having
one of your things?

No, I'm fine.

- Wha-What kind of things do you have?
- I don't have things.

No things.

Don't worry, Mr. Chocolate
Bear, we'll get you out of here.

- He'll be okay.
- Yeah.

- Okay, where are we at with this puzzle?
- I don't know, this is a toughie.

No, I'm so close, I can taste it.

All right, well, there are
four hands at this table,

So the first hand has four cards,

the second six, the third
three, and the fourth four, so...

maybe the four-six-three-four
is the lock code?

No, I don't think that's it.

- That's it.
- Wait, what?

- Whoa.
- You got it. Huh?

All right.

Yay!

Here we go. Ready? Ready?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Well, that gets the
old heart pumping, huh?

Yeah, this is lots of fun.

- Okay, what's next? Let's do this.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I think the
next clue is the snake.

- Okay.
- Okay, okay. Snake. Snake.

Snake jumper. Snake, snake, cobra snake.

Cobra snake.

Jumping... Jumping cobras.

Uh... snake jumpers!

Okay, relax, okay, but I love
the enthusiasm, I really do.

All right, come on, guys, we
gotta get crackin', all right?

The time to beat is 52
minutes, three seconds.

How did you get to that precise time?

Oh, well, that's...
That was the time it took

my co-worker Dmitri to finish it.

So... And he's been bragging
about it for a month.

So this is just about you

showing up someone from your office?

No, not just.

But he's so full of
himself. But not just.

Guys, guys, there are snakes.

Two snakes on the picture.

Oh, oh, oh, okay.

Oh-ho...

- Yes!
- Yes!

Yes. So it's another key pad

with, this time, a
five-digit code this time.

Oh, are there numbers in the painting?

Oh, good idea.

Move! Oh...

Uh, I can see... okay,
numbers, numbers, numbers,

- numbers, numbers. No numbers. None.
- No numbers. Oh.

Well, you guys gave it your all.

How 'bout we call it a day, and, uh,

anybody up for Chinese? My treat.

It's gotta be something
with the snake, right?

Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh!

The snake is coiled around
the coat of arms, right?

- And the shield is inscribed "A.M."
- A.M.

- A.M.? A.M.
- Sorry, A.M.

Just get the juices going.
Okay, A.M., A.M., A.M., A.M.

Oh, A.M. radi... A.M. radio.

1070 A.M. radio. Your news and weather

on the hour, every
hour. Try... Try 1070!

So you think it's the
radio station we listen to?

Oh, you don't?

Okay, um, James Bond
drove an Aston Martin.

A.M. Aston Martin.

There's a model car
right there on the shelf.

- Oh...
- Oh! On the shelf!

- And the numbers on the license plate.
- On the license plate!

- Oh, Michelle nails it.
- Yeah.

Looks like we got a
new secret weapon, huh?

Cell phones are prohibited in the lair.

It's cheating.

Um, I got to answer it.

It's my daughters.

It could be an emergency.

Are they watching us?

Hey, Natalie. Everything okay?

Hey, Dad. I need to buy

something for school. Could you give me

the Amazon confirmation
code they're texting you?

Yeah, yeah, sure thing. Uh, hold on.

Michelle, read me the license plate.

NPH-two...

- seven...
- One, five...

- One-five-two...
- No, not two, three.

- Uh, four-nine...
- seven... four...

- That's four-nine.
- Yes, four-nine. What? That's wrong.

- Okay, thank you.
- Okay,

uh, you're welcome.

That did not sound like an emergency.

Sorry, sorry, I'm done.

Three... eight...

nine.

Whoa, what's happening?

Whoa! Secret passageway!

Whoa. Secret passageway? That's crazy.

- Wow.
- Yes!

Good teamwork, everybody.

Are we out?

- No. It's another room.
- What?!

- Oh, my God, this is so cool. Yes.
- Right?

Look, I told you this was
gonna be so much fun, Jill...

I mean, Shannon.

Um...

Oh, my God.

I-I just called her Jill.

You don't think she heard me?

Mm-hmm. We all heard you.

Uh, okay. Okay.

We could have gone
mini-golfing, but no...

Oh, cool.

This must be Silverhand's
inner sanctum, huh?

Baby...

what if this room leads to another room,

and another room and another room,

and we never get out of here?

There can't be that many more rooms.

There's a Petco on the
other side of that wall.

So, uh, Shannon, uh, what do you think?

One of these buttons over
here make the map light up?

No, but I think the
ones over here might.

What? Whoa!

- Hey...
- Hey-oh!

Shannon nails it.

You know, I told everybody
Shannon is gonna be

so good at this.

Y-You sure are saying my name a lot.

- Am I?
- Yeah.

Okay, look, um, I don't
know if you noticed earlier,

but-but I may have called you Jill.

Yeah, you did.

Okay, well, I just want you to know

it was a slip of the tongue;

like, I meant nothing by it.

- Okay.
- I mean, like, sometimes, you know,

I even call the girls
by the dog's name, like,

"Hey, Linda, will you
take the trash out?"

I mean, Linda can't,
obviously, take the trash out

'cause she's a dog.

You know, maybe this
isn't the right place

to talk about this, yeah?

- Okay, gotcha.
- Hey, let's solve this puzzle.

What do you got?

- So, how's it going?
- Uh, well,

she, uh, she just said
that this isn't the place

to really get into this.

- Uh-oh.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that means that
there's a "this" to get into.

I mean, but she knows it
didn't mean anything, right?

I mean, it didn't mean anything.

I mean, I don't think it
meant anything, did it?

- Really? Now, Natalie?
- What is it?

Natalie just rented
the movie White Fang.

Oh, don't worry, it's
about dogs, not vampires.

Yeah, I know. But she's
supposed to be reading the book.

No phones allowed.

Wha... I'm just
cancelling a movie rental.

I'm not cheating.

- Come on, man.
- God.

What the...?

He's onto me.

Read the book.

So, we have to make the
perfect four-ounce martini...

- Mm-hmm...
- but we only have a five-ounce glass

and a three-ounce one,
and they've given us gin,

which, you know, Bond would
never drink in a million years,

but whatever.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's easy.

You just fill the five-ounce glass

and pour out a fifth of it out.

Yeah, but how do we
know what a fifth is?

Eyeball it.

Then why did they give
us the three-ounce glass?

I don't know. Why would
a cool, suave spy guy

need to measure his
liquor exactly anyway?

This whole puzzle sucks.

Oh, come on. We got to think.

I can't think, okay? I don't know why.

I mean, I can get a Lego
out of a kid's nostril,

but I can't do this?

Got it.

Oh.

Way to go, Michelle.

Check me out.

Yeah, check you out, Michelle.

Hey, come on.

It's okay, Delia.

You're just getting warmed up.

I'm not getting warmed up,
Forrest. This is me warmed up.

This is as warm as I get.
I just have to accept it.

Michelle's a Mozart and I'm a Salieri.

This is some kind of old telephone book.

- What are we supposed to do with this?
- That's cool.

Super cool.

Wade.

I think I'm gonna go talk to Shannon.

You know, Wade, sometimes
when a person tells you

they don't want to talk about this,

what they really mean is they
don't want to talk about this.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's
definitely a bad idea.

But you're gonna do it anyway?

Probably.

What? What... A security alert?

What now?

Somebody at my house is accessing

an unsecured server in North Macedonia?

I bet you anything it's Natalie

trying to illegally download White Fang.

Well, guess what? Papa has an app

that allows him to shut
off the Wi-Fi remotely.

Oh, wow, that turtle

is really going to
town on that watermelon.

Oh, hey, Cherise, can you
send us the video of the cat

riding the d...

Uh-oh.

Natalie?

What did you do?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Fish usually calm me, but not these.

Are you claustrophobic?

- No.
- It's-it's okay.

It's nothing to be ashamed
of. Trust me, I understand.

It's not claustrophobia exactly.

I just don't like being
locked in, anywhere.

- Yeah.
- You know those claw machines

that you put a quarter
in and try to get a toy?

Mm-hmm.

I got trapped inside one.

Oh, God. How?

- I was five.
- Oh.

Yeah, I crawled in to get a Skeletor.

To my defense, he did have
a glow-in-the-dark sword.

Yeah, no, I get it. I get it.

I was He-Man three Halloweens in a row,

- so...
- Cool.

- Yeah.
- Anyway, you have no idea

how scary it is to be
trapped inside a place

you don't want to be
and there's no way out.

No, I've, um, I've been there.

All right, guys. Come on.

We got to focus up, all right?

We've got three puzzles finished,

- we're halfway there.
- Halfway?

Hey, Forrest, I'm telling
you, man, I'm about ready

to rip this console apart
to get out of this place.

Do not rip any consoles apart.

Uh, hey.

- Shannon. Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, please, no, please don't run away.

There's really nowhere to go in here.

- Yeah, no, I know.
- Okay, look, uh, when I said

that it didn't mean anything
when I called you Jill?

That's not true. It did mean something.

But, uh, it's a good thing.

You're-you're the first person

that I've ever brought out with
my friends that I can picture...

As a replacement for
your wife? Oh, my God.

No. No, no, no, no. That's
not what I was gonna say...

Oh, God. No wonder that Jared
guy thought we were married.

Wade, no. This is,
this is going too fast.

In two weeks, I've gone
from doing it in the garage

- to "You're Mrs. Felton."
- Look, you're not Mrs. Felton.

She was Mrs. Felton.

I mean, not-not that you
couldn't be Mrs. Felton.

Of course you could be
Mrs. Felton. You're great.

I mean, you're so great,
I just wouldn't a-ask you...

Will you please just
tell me how to fix this?

Yeah, I think, you know, I
really need some space right now.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, open the damn door, man!

Yeah, Jared, honey, I
think we're done in here.

Jared, don't listen to them.

They're weak.

Nobody...

Is going anywhere.

What do we got? What do
we know? What do we do?

How do we get out of here?

Well, this map has got
to mean something, right?

And I found this microfilm
in the piranha tank,

because I'm awesome, but we still

- don't know what to do with it.
- I wonder if the door will open

if I set off the smoke alarm.

Do not activate the smoke detector.

I'm just looking for clues, Jared!

Why didn't I leave my phone at home?

What?

This is so unfair. No Internet?

Natalie did something bad, not me.

This is literally a death
sentence for my social life.

It's not literally a death sentence.

Yes, it is. They changed the definition

of "literally," look it up.

Well, personally, I blame Grace.

I asked her what happens in White Fang,

she could barely even remember anything.

Natalie, I'm gonna say three words,

then I want you to hand the
phone back to your sister.

Read the book.

- Hey, uh, Michelle.
- Mm?

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Mm-hmm.

Um, listen, you-you
may have noticed Delia

sitting sadly in the
corner, quoting Amadeus.

I speak for all the
mediocrity in the world.

I am their champion. I
am their patron saint.

Is she really this upset about a puzzle?

Yes. Look, you're amazing at this.

I obviously want to win.

I would love nothing more
than to wipe that smile

off of Dmitri's smug little face.

But...

the most important thing
here, of course, is Delia.

So, uh, if you could

just, uh, maybe help her out with a win,

you know, just,

just one little win,

that would be so awesome.

I mean, her self-esteem is
really taking a hit here.

You're a good man. A good
man with a crazy wife.

Yeah, you know, I'm not gonna
push back too hard on that one.

Oh, my God, 12 minutes.
We got 12 minutes left.

Delia, Delia, come on.

Let's go. All hands on deck.

What is this? What are we looking for?

I don't know. There's obviously

some connection between this map
and the numbers on this microfilm,

- but I don't know what.
- Yeah.

Come on, you can do
this. You can do this.

- Think. Just think.
- Oh, I don't know. I don't...

Will you please just ask Michelle?!

Oh, the self-destruct.

We're gonna self...
We're gonna self-destruct!

Okay. Come on, Delia.

You can do this. I mean, I
can do this, right, Forrest?

Of course you can do this, honey.

Of course you can do it.

She can't do this.

Hey, Shannon, Shannon?
I need to talk to you.

Wade, I'm kind of busy here.

This self-destruct is
not gonna destroy itself.

U-Uh... Just give me a second.

Hey. How's it going?

Back off, Alan Turing.

Okay, well, I see you got this,
so I'll just give you some...

latitude.

Okay, thank you, Michelle. I
do... I really do appreciate...

That's it.

- What?
- Yes, I got it!

I got it! Okay.

The numbers on the, on
the, on the microfilm

correspond with the latitude
and longitude on the map.

All right.

- So then what?
- Then the telephone codes

of whatever country it is
is the code for the airlock.

Yeah!

Booyah!

Look who's back, bitches.

Okay, look,

I know why I called you Jill,

and it's not because I'm
trying to replace her.

I couldn't.

But I haven't been this comfortable

around someone in a long time.

That's sweet, Wade, it is,

but it's a lot.

It is.

And I know it is, and...

Look, it's just that this last year,

I've been so focused
on what I was ready for

that I didn't stop to think
what you were ready for.

And-and you're not ready

to move this fast,
and-and I totally get it.

No, I am ready to move this fast.

That's what scares me.

- It does?
- Yes.

I haven't had a real
relationship like this

since the divorce, and-and it scares me

because I really want to go all in,

and then there's this
voice in my head that says,

"What the hell are you
thinking, you stupid idiot?"

Well, we will go as slow as you want.

You call the shots, Lady Sexytime.

You're damn right I do...

Uh-uh. That's Borat.

- Okay.
- That's... I'm just doing Borat now.

- I think you're doing Borat.
- Yeah. I think so, too. Yeah.

Ah, the... 20... Okay.

Belgium. Okay.

Belgium, um... 32.

Peace out!

- Yes!
- We did it.

Yes.

- Yes.
- All right!

Thanks, Michelle. That was so much fun.

And the great thing is,
is everybody contributed.

Hey, thank you.

Well, I was worried I was
too obvious with my clue.

Oh, you totally were, but you know,

Delia sees what she wants to see.

Mm.

51:37.

We did it. We beat Dmitri's time.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Actually, because one of your
group used his cell phone,

I have to penalize you by five minutes.

What?

You're enjoying this, aren't
you, you son of a bitch?

Forrest.

Yeah.

Wait, wait. Where's Wade and Shannon?

Oh, wow.

So we defeated the bad guy,
and now Wade is kissing the girl

with the terrible accent?

This really is a James Bond movie.

Oh, my God.

- No way.
- It's good, right?

Do you mind?

A man is shooting at White Fang.

Well, I got so bored
without the Internet

- that I decided to bake some brownies.
- Huh.

Like some sort of pioneer woman.

Oh, wow.

- That-that is delicious.
- Yeah?

Well, I'm bored again, so
I'm gonna go do some laundry.

- I hope you're happy, Dad.
- You know what?

I am happy. I may not
turn the Internet back on.

Do not even joke about that.

Oh, my God, will you
two please be quiet?