The Unicorn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 17 - Caroline, No - full transcript

Hello?

Caroline?

Hey there.

Oh, hey, hey.

You-you said you had a job
you needed me to do?

Oh, yeah, I guess
it was a little confusing.

- I am the job.
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- Got it.

Do ya? Because you still
have your pants on.

Guess I won't be needing my... tools.

- No.
- (TOOLS THUDDING) Um... okay.



- (SIGHS)
- Oh, leave the pencil

behind your ear 'cause I like it.

Yes, ma'am.

- No... way.
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

She just hit you up out of the blue?

- Yup.
- You just skipped lunch?

Yeah.

I thought you and Caroline
were a one-and-done thing.

Yeah, so did I.

Uh, it turns out that we are
a four-and-not-done thing.

- Oh, man.
- Wow.

So, you didn't even
eat anything, huh?

You... Not even a snack?



Forrest, you're missing the point!

- Our boy is living the dream here.
- Yeah.

Yeah, and I got to tell
you, man... no commitment.

Mm-hmm.

- Keeping it casual.
- Mm.

I'm-I'm...
I'm having the time of my life.

Yeah!

- The time of my life.
- Oh, man, that's so good.

Yeah.

But you should just

keep a couple protein bars
in your truck.

You know, or, like,
a bag of nuts, something...

He can skip lunch, okay?!

- The man's hooking up!
- I know.

Look, I'm just worried
his blood sugar's gonna plummet.

Then what? Look,
I'm as invested in this as you are.

- (PHONE CHIMES) Okay?
- Yeah.

Oh. Uh, oh, speak of the devil.
This is, uh, Caroline.

- Uh-oh.
- (LAUGHING): Oh.

- "U up?"
- Are you...?

It's, like, 8:00.
Of course you're up.

Dude!

Oh, that's a booty call.

(QUIETLY): That's a booty call.

Shh, shh. Go to her. Yeah, yeah.

Hey, Grace.

- You give me a hand?
- Sure.

You've got to be kidding me!

What?

I asked you to buy me
shampoo and conditioner.

- I did.
- Oh, my God. No.

You bought me a two-in-one
shampoo and conditioner.

Oh, come on. It's the same thing.

Oh, my God, just when I thought
today could not get any worse.

Okay, all right,
what's going on? Let's talk.

I'm fine. Natalie!

Stop wearing my sweaters!
You always stretch them out!

How?! I'm smaller than you!

- (GRACE SCOFFS)
- Okay.

What's going on with your sister?

Something happened with a boy.

What happened with a boy?

All I know is
that he wore a red shirt,

and now she hates her water bottle.

Okay, that-that's not
really a lot to go on.

Oh, man. Shampoo and
conditioner in one?

- This is gonna save me so much time!
- Exactly.

Thank you!

I just wish that

I could get Grace to tell
me what's bothering her.

I'd be bothered, too,
if I had to use two-in-one

- shampoo and conditioner.
- Oh, come on.

I like it, Natalie likes it.

- That's a real Dad move.
- (CHUCKLES)

Anyway,

I can't get her to open up
to me like she did with Jill.

Would you like us to talk to her?

Would you? Yeah.
That-That'd be great.

Yeah, of course. There's things

that girls just don't want
to talk to their dads about.

- Mm-hmm. Bras.
- Boys.

- Cramps.
- Boys.

- Boys.
- You know what?

- I think you're right, Michelle.
- Yeah.

Yeah, very insightful, Michelle.

WADE: Welcome to the widows' group.

You're-you're new.

Yeah. I'm Judy.

Hi. I-I lost my husband in October.

- Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
- Thank you.

- I'm Wade. Uh, it's easy to remember.
- Hi.

I'm the only guy here, right?

Right. So, I don't really
know how this works.

- Yeah. Yeah, I know how you feel.
- Yeah.

Until you showed up,
I was the newbie.

Uh, here. You want to sit next to me?

- Thank you.
- Yeah. Uh...

I know that it can be
intimidating opening up

in front of strangers,
but, um, trust me.

This group... it's a very safe space.

- Here you go, Judy.
- Thank you so much.

- The good stuff.
- Thanks. Yeah. Uh, cheers.

Nice to be here.

So, I did the worst
thing last weekend.

- Well, what did you do?
- I went golfing with my sister,

and she's really good.

But I beat her, and I was so happy

that I completely forgot
it was my anniversary.

- WADE: Oh.
- WOMEN: Oh.

EMMA: Sounds like progress to me.

- CYNTHIA: Yeah.
- EMMA: Mm-hmm.

CYNTHIA: I guess so.

Especially since Edward forgot
it five times when he was alive.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Still,

I feel awful.

You know, not because I was sad,

but because I wasn't.

Yeah? Does that make
any sense to anybody?

Yeah.

EMMA: I mean,
I hear what you're saying,

but you can't make
a big deal out of it

every year for the rest
of your life, can you?

CYNTHIA: Well, yeah,
but that was my plan...

to make a big deal out of it.

So it felt funny to be

celebrating something 'cause I used

to celebrate something else...

- (PHONE BUZZING)
- Oh, my God!

- Wade!
- Wade!

Do you need to turn off your phone?

Uh, y-yeah, yeah, I'm...

I'm-I'm sorry. Sorry about that.

I'm gonna... It's off.

Uh, continue. Uh, where were we...

- What were we talking about?
- CYNTHIA: Um, I was

talking about anniversaries.

(QUIETLY): Stop it.

- (QUIETLY): Yeah.
- Stop it.

So, how's it going, Mr. Sex...
Ha-Having Guy?

BEN: Wow. Killing the nicknames now.

(LAUGHS) Thank you.

Uh... it's going okay.

Uh-oh. What happened?

Did Caroline stop texting you?

No. No, no, we're still hooking up.

- Ooh.
- Yeah, we did it

in an open house in
Brookhaven yesterday.

- Waterbed.
- Oh, that's super hot.

My parents had one of those, and...

Well, that's not...

That's not the reason
that it's hot. It's unrelated.

- You talk now.
- I don't know.

It's just...
it's just gotten a little weird.

I'm afraid she's getting jealous.

At our widows group, I was talking

to this new woman, right? Mm-hmm.

All of a sudden,

Caroline starts sending me
all these dirty texts.

- How dirty we talking here, Wade?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Absolutely filthy.
- Oh, wow. - Oh, let me see.

- No, no, me first. No. No, no, no, no.
- No, what am I talking about?

- I know Caroline.
- We're grown men. That's crazy.

- That would be inappropriate.
- We don't need to see that.

- Actually, I'm not proud.
- Then, again, maybe I should peek

- just to see if I should look.
- I would like to see them.

Guys, I'm not gonna show you
naked pictures of Caroline.

- She sent pictures? What?!
- Oh, my God!

(SIGHS) I'm a little worried.

I mean, what if she starts
having feelings or something?

I don't know.
I just need to talk to her.

- You're gonna screw everything up!
- No! You're gonna!

What's he gonna screw up?

Caroline and the booty calls.

I'm just worried
she's getting attached.

Oh, because she's a woman,
she can't have casual sex

without falling in love with you?

Actually, you would be surprised

how little emotional connection
a woman needs to get off.

Yeah. You see? You hear that?
Wait. What?! Really?!

Guys, I hear you, but I got
to make sure she's still cool.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna talk to her.

- What? No, stupid!
- No.

We'll see.

- (KNOCKING) Hey, kiddo.
- Hi..

- Hi.
- MICHELLE: So, what's going on

in Grace's world?

Oh, nothing. Homework.

Huh.

Um... well, hey.

- Hmm?
- I just had a fun idea. (LAUGHS)

Have you guys ever
played Rose and Thorn?

No, but it sounds fun.

Oh, it's really fun.

Let me just get a little more...

Okay, so here's how it works.

You think of something from
your week that made you happy.

That's your rose. And then,
you think of something

that, you know, was not so happy. Ew.

And that would be your thorn.

Get it? Okay, so, like,

my rose would that... hmm, oh...

uh, sumo oranges
are back in season. Yay.

But my thorn is that they cost

four dollars each. So...

Okay, you go now.

Um... mine's also the orange thing.

Oh.

Well, no, it has
to be your own, or...

Michelle, can you just
show her, please?

Um, my rose is...

I don't know.

Walks on the beach.

And my thorn is...

selfish people.

DELIA: No, no, no, it can't be...
It's not like

turn-ons and turn-offs.
It's got to be about your week.

It's-it's... Grace, show
Michelle how you do it, please.

Um, I guess that my rose would be

that I got an "A" in chemistry.

- Ah.
- And my

thorn would be...

that I got locked out
of my gym locker.

DELIA: That-that's good.
That's... But let's

just rewind and go another round.

Uh, this time, let's just
go a little bit, like,

deeper, right?
Could be about anything.

- I don't know. Like, boys, or...
- Yeah.

Um, I don't want to be rude,

- but I do have an essay to write.
- Okay.

But I was just gonna say...

- D-Delia, let's go.
- Uh-huh. Oh, we should go.

- We should go.
- Okay.

Oh. Just got to get out.

Okay.

(GRUNTS)

Ooh.

(QUIETLY): Go.

(DOOR CLOSES)

CAROLINE: Thank you so
much for coming. Oh!

- Hi!
- Hey.

Listen, you should have called me.

We can't do it while we
have people here. I mean...

or can we?

Well, actually, I just wanted

to talk for a minute if that's okay.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

Let me know if you
want to make an offer.

Okay, my number's on the card,

and the seller is very motivated.

Um, last time we did it here, we
actually ripped the bedspread.

- Did we? Oh.
- (LAUGHING): Yes.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, don't be. Listen.

I brought in these throw
pillows, and I covered it up.

- I'm really good at my job.
- Yeah, yeah.

Hey, uh, listen, this thing

- that we're doing here, right?
- Yeah?

Um, I just wanted to make sure

we're still on the same
page with everything.

- Yeah, yeah. I mean, why wouldn't we be?
- Well, you know,

uh, because at group,
when I was talking to Judy,

you started sending me
all those texts,

and I was worried... I don't know...

maybe you were getting
a little jealous or something.

- I don't know.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY) Jealous?

Oh, Wade, you are so sweet.

- Listen, I'm fine, okay?
- Oh.

I am fine, so don't worry

your tiny little butt about that.

- Ti-Tiny? I...
- Listen, this thing

that we're doing... it-it's great.

- It's-it's so great.
- Yeah.

And I don't want this
to hold you back.

I mean, you should
date whoever you want to.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Okay, you-you're sure about that?
- Absolutely. I mean,

listen, if it makes you feel
better, I'm dating, too.

Oh. You-you are?

- Yeah.
- Oh, good, good.

Oh, well, that's...
that's a load off.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

I'm actually having
lunch with someone today.

- And he is here early.
- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN CAR)

Hi, Dallas.

I'm gonna grab my stuff, okay?

All right, so I'll see you,
um, maybe Thursday?

- Uh... sure.
- Okay.

Bye, Wade.

"Dallas"?

(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

Okay, we can hear your car, buddy.

- Dallas?
- Yeah. Right?

I mean, who's named Dallas?

I guarantee you his name is
"Dale," and he just goes

- by Dallas.
- Well, I mean, this is good news, right?

I told you she wasn't jealous.

Yeah. Yeah.

This means absolutely nothing to her.

- Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES)

Hey, thanks
for doing that, by the way.

I had no idea when I took
the training wheels off

that Addie would ride it
straight into a ditch.

She's 12, right?

Yeah. Almost 13.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (METAL CLANGS)

You okay there, Wade?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'm great.

Having commitment-free sex
whenever I want.

Sometimes in, uh, strangers' houses.

What could be...

- bad?
- FORREST: Whoa.

Little girl's bike.

Just... keep in mind.

(DELIA AND MICHELLE LAUGHING)

Hey.

- Hi.
- Hey, Grace. Thank you for babysitting.

- Oh, yeah, no problem.
- DELIA: Wait.

Did you tell her 6:30?

Because our reservation
isn't until 8:00.

Oh, that means we have
an hour and a half to kill.

- Mm.
- Oh, well. My bad.

- Just come and sit with us.
- Oh, yeah.

Okay, what's up?

- What's up?
- Okay, look, your dad was worried,

and he asked us to talk with you.

DELIA: Yeah, and, uh,

things didn't go so well
last night, so...

So now you're paying me 15 bucks
an hour to talk to you?

- 15?
- Mm-hmm.

I said 12.

My stomach hurts

because I ate baker's chocolate.

Get yourself some ginger ale
and work through it.

We're chatting with Grace.

Michelle, Delia, look,

I really appreciate
what you're doing,

but trust me, you
wouldn't understand.

DELIA: What?

No. Look, if you change
your mind, just come on

back here, and we'll just be
sitting here, just hanging out.

Waiting to talk.

It's chocolate.
Why does it taste so bad?

Anyway, my friends think
I should start dating.

I mean,

I can't even walk out

onto my deck without
remembering Pete building it.

Aw, that's okay. It takes time.

It took Wade over a
year to put himself

- out there.
- Really?

Yeah.

Speaking of,

anything new in your love life, Wade?

WADE: Oh, uh, actually, yeah.

Yeah, I've been, uh,
seeing someone lately.

- BOTH: Oh.
- Yeah, just, uh...

just some casual fun.

I'm fun.

CYNTHIA: Good for you, Wade.

How's it going?

Well, I thought it was going great.

Uh, and then I found out that she was

actually seeing someone else.

- Oh, bummer.
- Aw. - Yeah.

(CHUCKLES):
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Did you and this person,
who I-I think sounds lovely,

agree that you were exclusive?

No. No, no, no.
I think I just assumed

- that it went without saying.
- Huh.

Uh, we went on several dates.

Oh. Oh, you went out on dates.

Well, that sounds nice.

Where did you go when
you went on these dates?

Well, we didn't go out, per se.

- Mm.
- But, uh, there was

- a whole lot of intimacy.
- Huh.

And I guess to me, that
still really means something.

It does.

Oh, okay.
I mean, I'm just guessing here,

but I think that maybe this person

would be very surprised

to know that you felt that way.

Well, she wouldn't be surprised
if she ever asked me

- how I felt.
- Okay.

Maybe she just didn't know

that you were such a little bitch.

(WOMEN GASP)

Uh, what's happening?
Oh, for the love of God.

They're hooking up.

(EMMA GASPS)

Thanks, Cynthia.

Um, I hope this hasn't soured you

on dating within the group.

- Who's your favorite Pokémon?
- Uh, I don't have one.

What?!

We have a lot to talk about.

- I wish she'd open up to us.
- Yeah.

But think about it.
When we were her age,

we wouldn't have wanted to
talk to a couple of moms.

Well, actually, my two best
friends were in their 40s.

Rabbi Levy and his wife Sandra.

(CHUCKLES): She was fun.
She was my piano teacher.

She had a temper.
I mean, but she was,

she was good. It was back
when you could yell at kids.

You still make it look fun.

But yeah. That's-that's it

- for the baker's chocolate.
- Hand me

- the French vanilla creamers, too.
- Oh.

One time, he drank,
like, nine of them.

- Yeah.
- What? What is with kids wanting

to eat anything that
seems like candy?

Well, to be fair,

when I was a kid,
I once ate an eraser

shaped like an ice cream cone.

(LAUGHS)

There was a kid in first
grade who ate paste.

- My second favorite Pokémon...
- DELIA: Oh.

I asked him out, like,
seven years later.

- You dated the paste eater?
- No.

Because he turned me down.
And my feet got all sweaty,

and I was wearing those
clear jelly shoes.

Remember those? And when I tried

to run away, they just
made that farty sound.

- (LAUGHS)
- Oh! I...

I could've died.

NOAH: My third favorite
Pokémon is Yamper.

He's a dog who can shoot electricity.

Cool.

- Oh, middle school was terrible.
- (SIGHS)

It's the worst. You know, I
was this height when I was 11.

MICHELLE: Oh, did I ever tell you

when I was in the eighth grade,

- I tried to trim my own eyebrows?
- (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Yeah, I overdid it

and only had half my right one.

- (DELIA AND MICHELLE LAUGHING)
- My sixth favorite is Applin.

He's an apple.

- But he's tied with...
- Do you want a soda?

- I'm gonna go get us a soda.
- Okay, cool.

MICHELLE: And then I
tried to even it out

- with my left one.
- Mm-hmm.

Mistake.

So, what'd you do?

- Well, I only had a felt-tip pen.
- Mm-hmm.

That was not the solution.

And you went to school like that?

People kept asking me
why I looked so surprised.

- (LAUGHING)
- What?!

Are you serious?

- Surprise!
- Yeah, surprise!

But, seriously, don't do it,

- your eyebrows don't grow back right.
- Oh, yeah.

- Uh, bye, Judy.
- Bye, Wade. Thanks.

Bye, Wade.

Okay, slugger, let's go.

- Thanks, Cynthia.
- Bye, Wade.

- (DOOR SHUTS)
- Hey.

Hi.

Look, I-I guess I just...

I got a little jealous about
the whole Dallas thing.

What?

No. I couldn't tell.

I mean, you hid that so well.

(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.

Me, too. I'm sorry I... you know.

- Called me a little bitch?
- (LAUGHS)

I apologize if I led you on.

I thought that I was really
clear about what this was.

No, you were, and I thought
that I was cool with it.

But clearly I wasn't.

I know that this is how
things are done these days,

but honestly, Caroline,

I don't think I'm cut out for it.

You're not, and the fact
that you're not

is what makes you... such a catch.

You know, I mean, for someone
who's looking for a catch.

Thank you. Dallas is
a very lucky guy.

Oh, no, I dumped him already.
(CHUCKLES)

You know, his real name is Dennis.

- Ah. I knew it.
- I mean...

- (LAUGHS)
- Friends?

- Yeah. Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

I'll, uh,
I'll see you next week at group.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Mmm-mmm.

- Caroline!
- I know, I know. Just friends.

Just...

(QUIETLY): Oh, I am gonna
miss that butt. Oh.

So I put a love note
in Darrell's locker.

And then he ignored me all day.

Then, Steven Duckworth
told me he found my note,

and confessed his love
to me right then and there.

- No!
- Yes!

I put it in the wrong locker,

- and I didn't have the heart to tell him.
- (LAUGHTER)

So I had to go see Gremlins 2
with him and his mom.

My gosh. (LAUGHS)

All right, so,

sophomore year I started
getting these really

long, crazy arm hairs.

And they're just poking
through my sweaters, and...

So my parents said,

"Oh, that's normal, that happens

to some girls," but I knew...

(LAUGHS)

Okay, so, last Monday in chemistry,

Justin was wearing this red T-shirt.

And I told him I liked it,
and then he wore it

for three days in a row.

- Mm.
- Which is gross, I know.

But I thought maybe it was
because he liked me.

And then the other day I brought
my blue water bottle to school.

You know, the one with
all the stickers on it.

And then he called me "VSCO girl."

And I was like, "Did the
red shirt even happen?"

- I get it.
- You lost me at "VSCO."

Actually, before that.

VSCO means "basic."

- Oh, I get you.
- Yeah.

Mm.

Yes, yes. No, no.
I'm sorry, I'm still lost.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, well.
It doesn't matter.

The point is, eighth grade sucks.

- Yeah.
- Well, at least it sucks

- for everybody, and we all survive it.
- DELIA: Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and, you know,

I've seen your arms,
and the hair's very fine,

so you've got nothing to worry about.

- You're just way ahead of that game.
- You sure?

Never even thought
about my arm hairs before.

Why are you bringing up arm hair?

I don't know, I thought
it would humanize me.

What happened to all the chocolate?

No more.

Aren't you supposed to be at dinner?

Oh, he's right.

Our reservation's in three minutes.

Oh, well, there goes my perfect
open-table rating.

Maybe if you hurry, they won't
give away your table?

Well, you know I'm down for us
to keep hanging out here.

Yeah, that's cool.
I'm all for it, yeah.

- Cool.
- Uh, Noah,

we're having girls' time.
Go play on your tablet.

Why are you even paying her?

I'm babysitting myself over here.

(SIGHS)

Guys, I, uh...

I got to tell you something,

and you're not gonna like it.

- Oh.
- Uh-oh.

What's going on?

I talked to Caroline,
and we agreed that

we're not gonna sleep
together anymore.

- Oh, what?!
- Oh, man...

- Yeah.
- Just like that?

Why? I mean, was it
something we said, or...?

No, it wasn't you.

And, frankly, that's a little
weird that you'd think it was.

- BEN: Oh, okay, no.
- I get that.

I see what this is.

You brought us here to tell us

'cause you thought we
wouldn't make a scene

- in public!
- Oh,

- you are sorely mistaken, sir.
- No, no. Guys, guys, guys.

- Miscalculation!
- Guys!

I'm sorry. I know I let you down.

But the truth is I'm just not
a casual hookup kind of guy.

- Huh.
- BEN: Hmm.

We get it. It-it was just so much fun

- living through those stories.
- Ha.

- Yeah, they were good stories.
- They were, they were.

But, hey, we want you to be happy.

That's all that matters.
Right, Forrest?

No, I will... I will never,
ever forgive you.

- Never?
- No.

- Ever?
- Probably not.

- Hey, girls.
- Hey, Dad. Sup, dawg?

Natalie! That is how
you stretch it out.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I didn't even realize.

You can keep it.

Uh... you seem good.

Yeah.

Delia and Michelle talked to me,

- and I made 60 bucks.
- Wow.

Uh, look, I'm, I-I'm
sorry if I interfered.

But I am your dad and
I do worry about you.

I had this thing with a boy,

but I didn't know if it was a thing,

so I made a big thing out of it.

- But, meh, I guess it's okay.
- Well, believe it or not,

I get it.

I thought I had a thing with someone,

but then she started
seeing this other guy.

And I tried to play it
cool but wound up,

instead, acting like a total idiot

in front of all of my friends.

Really? You?

Yeah. Oh, it was so bad.

I guess everyone's kind of
dumb when they're young.

- (CHUCKLING)
- Yeah.

When we're young. (CHUCKLES)