The Unicorn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Worst Case Scenario - full transcript

I want the tire swing
to hang in the pine.

Not the oak, the pine, okay?

Whoa, Brian, Brian, we're-we're good.

That's good. Uh...

- Hey, Forrest, what's going on?
- Hey, Wade,

- you got a second?
- Yeah, but only one.

I've got a lot going on today.

Oh, the wax leaf privets
go along the walkway.

Can Addie come and hang
at your place tonight?

Me and Delia have a thing.

Uh, yeah, yeah, she can
come over after school,



and you guys can pick her up whenever.

Great. Thanks, man. You're the best.

You bet. Hey, uh, Eric,

we need more marble
chips in that pathway.

Over by the, by the, by the fence.

Uh, hey, Delia.

- Hi, Wade. Did Forrest call you?
- Uh, yes, he did.

We, uh, we have Addie covered.

Oh, great. And I need to update

her food sensitivities list.

She had a bad experience with a fig.

- Uh, we-we have no figs.
- Also,

don't hate me, but no
video games tonight.

Addie had real bad nightmares last time.



What, Mario Kart gave her nightmares?

Well, you know, it's
like gorillas driving cars

really, really fast.

Vehicular safety is a
real trigger for her.

Okay, no games, no figs.

- Talk to you later.
- Okay. Bye-bye.

Uh, hey, Forrest.

Wade, Delia told you about Mario Kart?

Yes, Addie likes safety.

Well, it isn't so much the safety

as it is the gorillas.

Got you. No gorillas tonight. Got it.

- I gotta go. Bye.
- Bye.

Oh, hey, uh, Norwood, be careful.

There's an irrigation line right there.

Oh, my God.

- Hey, Wade.
- Delia.

I've really got a lot
going on right now. Oh!

Did I mention the
figs, or am I going crazy?

Norwood?

Okay, Mr. Felton.

Doctor said your X-rays look good,

- it's just a bad sprain.
- Oh!

- Great.
- You're lucky.

Guy came in here yesterday
who had the same kind of fall.

Broke his back.

Oh, that-that sounds
like a long recovery.

Oh, he's not recovering.

I just need to update
your patient information.

Are you still on Black Pond Road?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Any new medications, major
illnesses or surgeries?

No, no, everything is still the same.

Emergency contact still Jill Felton?

Oh, uh, well, uh, I guess
some things have changed.

No, that-that was my
wife, and she-she passed.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Ah, it's-it's okay.

- Can-can I, uh, can I see that?
- Yeah. Here.

Oh, hey, look at that, uh, AOL address.

That's old.

And the, uh, pager
number. Don't have that.

Oh, wait a minute, I-I
have two daughters now.

Should-should I just get you a new form?

Uh, probably.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- You're supposed to elevate it.

I'll elevate it. You don't touch it.

Oh, I ordered you
Nomo's for dinner, too.

- Oh, man, you didn't have to do that.
- I actually did.

Michele said, and I quote,

"Make sure that fool
stays off his feet!"

Yeah, you know how it is.

You're a lifesaver.

You need anything else, you call me.

Yeah.

Dad, Dad, Addie is such a know-it-all.

She won't stop talking about

the different branches of government.

Don't you have a test on that tomorrow?

Why are you taking her side?

- Are you complaining about Addie again?
- Ugh.

She's so annoying.

You just gotta stop being so dramatic.

Addie is way, way, way,
way, way, way, way more

dramatic than me.

Could you just tell her
how irritating it is?

You're 12 years old.
You can figure it out.

Guess what.

If you stand in the
back corner of your room,

you can hear our
neighbor's TV perfectly.

Acoustics. Am I right?

- Your ears are so amazing.
- Thank you.

Uh, can you girls, uh... Do you mind

- feeding the dogs for me?
- Yeah.

Joyce, come on.

Did you know dogs aren't
really color-blind?

Oh, my God.

Wade. Oh, my God.

I came as soon as I
heard. Oh, look at you.

How are you... Oh, you
gotta get this thing

- elevated, man.
- No, it's fine.

- No, it's not fine.
- Please, no, don't touch it.

- Don't touch...
- My wife's a doctor.

- Oh, it's fine.
- There you go.

All right. You gotta
get it above your heart.

So, look, if you're good,
I'll just take Addie

- and get out of your hair.
- Uh, hey, before

- you do that, can I ask you a question?
- Yeah, absolutely.

Um, who prepared your will for you?

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I was at the doctor's office,

and I realized that, um,

there's a lot of things
that I needed to update.

Well, we-we used Delia's
cousin Rory in Syracuse,

but, uh, he's not really
in the legal game anymore.

You know, he's more into
the dinner theater scene.

So if you're looking for a pirate

with a killer baritone, he's your guy.

Yeah, yeah, he's probably not my guy.

No, he's not. He's awful.

Oh, hey, what am I saying?

Cynthia, from my widows'
group, she's a lawyer.

- Great.
- I'll just give her a call.

All right, cool. All right, man.

- Ow, ow.
- Come on, sweetie, let's go!

- Dad.
- Yeah?

Can we play "mountain
ranges" in the car?

Well, we're only going three blocks.

You got to be fast.

Himalayas.

Appalachians.

- Um, Rockies.
- Blue Ridge.

- Right?
- Good one, Dad.

- I know.
- Adirondacks.

- Yeah.
- Uh, Swiss Alps.

- You're late?
- I'm late.

How late?

Late enough for you to
get your butt in the car

and go to the drugstore
and get a pregnancy test.

- Okay.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

W-W-Wait. Wait, wait.

I think I have a coupon.

- Why would you clip a coupon for this?
- I don't know.

I clip coupons for everything.

Uh, here's a dog food coupon.
We don't have a dog.

Baby, look.

I'm gonna go get this test.

Whatever happens, we'll make it work.

Yeah. Five kids? Piece of cake.

Hey, someone threw up over here.

Is it a kid or a cat?

Hard to tell.

Here, get some carpet cleaner.

- Wow, you really do clip a lot of coupons.
- Go, go, go, go, go. Go.

Yeah, I-I know I should have
taken care of this earlier.

It's just that there were so
many other things going on,

I guess I just didn't think about it.

Believe me, I get it.

So, I called Caroline the other night

to go out for a drink,

and she said she was
hanging out with you.

Uh, yeah, yeah. We-we hung out.

Where'd you go?

Nowhere.

Stayed in, did you?

Yeah, sure. I-I guess... yeah.

Did you do it with Caroline?

Man, you're a good lawyer.

No further questions.

Hey, uh, don't-don't tell
anybody else in the group.

- Okay? I-I haven't even told my friends yet.
- Why would you?

Well, they are very
invested in my sex life.

Oh, I get it.

Married and bored.

So was this a one-time thing,
or you going back for seconds?

- Can we get back to my will, please?
- Right.

Well, most of these
terms are pretty standard.

In the event of your demise,

custody of the girls goes to

- your sister-in-law. Still good?
- Oh...

Uh, wow. Yeah, th-that was our
plan when the girls were small,

but, uh, Allison lives in Florida,

and the girls are older now,
and their whole lives are here.

Yeah, I-I couldn't really
make them leave their school

and all their friends.

- Do you have any local family?
- No, no.

But my friends are a lot like family.

Uh, we have kids the same age
and do everything together.

We barbecue, we go to soccer...

Got it, you're close. Which
friends are we going with?

Oh. That's a great question.

Yeah, you don't know
my friends. I-I can't.

That would be like playing favorites.

That's exactly what it is.

Why don't you sleep on it?

I heard you're good
at sleeping on things.

I didn't sleep on Caroline.

Okay, tiger.

So, what do you want to
do if you're brain-dead?

- You see anything?
- Nope.

Go pee on it again.

That's not how it works.

Oh, my God.

We got a blue no!

We got a blue no!

We got a blue no!

We got a blue no!

Oh, my God, I'm not pregnant!

Hallelujah, praise the Lord!

Ben, Ben!

- Hmm?
- Pop the champagne.

Yes, yes, right now!

Ooh, blue no.

- ♪ A blue no. ♪
- Mm.

Shockingly, we have no champagne.

Ginger ale?

- It's got bubbles, that'll do.
- Yes.

Two ginger ales coming up.

For my queen.

Mm.

For my beautiful...

incandescent...

non-pregnant wife.

And to my husband.

- Yes. That's right.
- Who is finally...

- ... getting a vasectomy!
- Yeah,

I ain't toasting that.

Hey, Wade, you want a cappy?

That's what I'm calling cappuccinos now

'cause it saves a lot of time.

No, I'm-I'm good.

Uh, look, I...

I've been thinking about something.

It's, uh, it's about the girls.

Oh...

Good.

'Cause we want to talk about that, too.

Oh, you-you know about this?

- Oh, sure, Addie told us
- Yeah.

as soon as she got home.

You know, it seems

Natalie was really
excluding her last night.

Yeah, yeah, and there was a,

a really hurtful crack about
how good Addie's hearing is.

- That's what you want to talk about?
- Yeah.

I mean, the good news is
we caught it early, so...

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh! You know what we should do?

- Mm?
- We should sit the girls down,

give them a letter, and
tell them to list five things

they like about each other
that starts with that letter.

It's great. This is great...

- Delia and I do this all the time.
- Oh, yeah.

Watch, for instance,
Delia?

Uh, "L".

Uh, you are loving, you are loyal.

- You are lean.
- Thank you.

- You light up my life.
- Aw.

You... leave me speechless.

Now you give me one.

- Um, "T".
- "T", ah...

You like tea.

You are terribly beautiful...

Yeah, I thought I made my
decision, but I don't know.

They're, they're way too everything.

I mean, how can they
deal with three kids

when they can barely handle one?

Yeah, no, they sound
like total snowplows.

And you're kind of free-range.

Wait, what?

You have different parenting styles.

She clears the path for her kids

like a snowplow, you let your kids

learn on their own, like chickens.

Okay, luckily for me, I've
got another great option.

Um, I'll talk to you later.

Great, you're lucky I'm doing this

pro bono... whereas Caroline did you...

Please don't.

- Pro-boner.
- Ah, you did it.

Hey, Michelle.

- Hey, Wade.
- Uh, do you guys have a minute?

Oh, sure we do.

Right after you tell my
husband to get a vasectomy.

Michelle!

Oh, I-I-I can come back.

No, we just had a pregnancy
scare, and this fool

doesn't want to get a
vasectomy for some reason.

A good reason.

I don't want a scalpel
cutting into my boys.

No man does. Tell her, Wade.

Well, it is a safe and
effective way to prevent...

Whoa!

So you don't mind a scalpel

twirling around with
your guys down there?

Well, I mean, not twirling;
you know, maybe just

- a precise incision...
- We agreed.

Four kids was our limit. We're full up.

And a vasectomy

will make sure we don't have any more.

Aren't there any other
options we can try?

Sure, how about not having sex?

Sorry, Wade.

Anyway, what did you
come over to talk about?

- Well, I-I wanted to talk to you...
- Dad?

The cat threw up again.

And then Kai saw it, so then

Kai threw up on the cat.

Anyway... the cat's on your bed.

Uh, looks like you got your hands full.

Uh, I'm gonna go.

- All right, you good?
- Yeah.

I'm here for you, Wade.

What happened now?

Oh, my God, that's so disgusting!

How could you not know that a
worm was living in your nose?

Hey, girls.

- You having a good time?
- Oh, yeah.

Addie found this
amazing YouTube channel.

- It's all parasites.
- Oh.

All I can say is do not
pee in the Amazon River.

Ah, good to know.

Whoop, homework time.

I'll get my bookbag.

Shall I grab your bookbag, Nats?

- Would you, A-Dog?
- Okay.

I thought Addie was "so annoying".

What? Why would you say that?

A-Dog is my best friend.

Got it.

So, uh, here's the thing.

I-I've been revising my will and, uh,

well, the girls are best friends,

and-and we're best friends.

- Yeah.
- And I was wondering if I could

put you two down to take
care of Grace and Natalie

if anything were to happen to me.

We would be so honored, Wade.

- Yes.
- Yes, thank you. Thank you for trusting us.

Oh, guys, this is... oh,
I'm so happy this is settled.

- Oh!
- Oh, God, Addie would have two sisters.

- They could borrow each others' clothes.
- Oh, stop it.

- What?
- Oh, we could, all five of us

- go to Disney World together.
- Oh, my God.

Stop it. Will you stop? Five?

Five sets of Mickey ears
bopping down Main Street.

So happy!

So fun!

- Oh, that-that sounds like so much fun.
- Yeah.

But in-in that scenario,
I-I would be dead.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

- He would be.
- Yeah.

We would be so devastated
if that were to happen, Wade.

- Yeah.
- We would get through it

- as a family.
- Yeah.

And we could, uh, we would
even scatter your ashes

on, uh, Space Mountain or something.

I... All jokes aside, though,

it would be very sad.

Yeah, it would be so sad.

Look, Michelle is serious this time.

She's holding out until
I get the vasectomy.

Yeah, so, I guess I just need to
hear from somebody who's had one.

Yeah, well, listen, if I can
handle it, you can handle it.

Right, but I will be honest
and tell you it's no picnic.

How so?

Um... Mostly, it was just the pain.

You know, the, uh, the searing pain.

Maybe like a stabbing.

What's... stabbing, but
not, like, repeatedly.

It's like a stab...

And that-that's one long stab.

That's the pain.

But you'll be fine.

That's just me... I have a
very sensitive downtown area.

And I don't?

Well, I-I'm just saying.

Look, think about it.

Think about the peace of mind.

The sexual freedom... it's worth it.

It's so, so very worth it, believe me.

- And I already have four kids.
- Yeah.

You've been to my house,
man... it's hell on wheels.

But I love it.

- Man, I love it.
- Yeah.

I don't know, I'm...

I'm still trying to wrap
my head around the idea

of maybe having three.

What are you talking about?

Oh, um, it'll-it'll never happen.

But Wade asked Delia and I to be
his kids' guardians in his will.

Huh. He did?

Yeah. Yeah, well, I mean,

he had to ask somebody, you know?

Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can see that. Uh, yeah.

Great choice, you know?

It's a, uh... can't
argue with that choice.

- It's a good call.
- Mm.

Baby, can I ask you something?

You can ask me,

but until you get snipped,
the answer is no.

Not that.

Is it weird that Wade
asked Forrest and Delia

to be his girls'
guardians instead of us?

He did what?

I get it, though.

They only have one kid. More room.

Thanks, baby.

So what if they have more room?

We are the most experienced
parents he knows.

I guess he just trusts them more.

Which he absolutely
should not, but it's fine.

It's fine. I'm not saying it's not fine.

Stop moving your feet!

I couldn't be more at
peace with the whole thing.

You know, this really pisses me off.

But it's not like we need two more kids.

- That's why we're here.
- Exactly.

But Wade should want
us to take his kids.

In fact, he should be
begging us to take his kids.

And we would have graciously accepted.

Yes. Because we're bighearted people.

Whatever. We're taking the high road.

Good for Forrest and Delia.

Mmm. You want to split
half this tangerine with me?

It's so sweet.

If you think a half a
tangerine is gonna make up

for you stealing those
babies, you're crazy.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh, don't act like

- you don't know.
- I honestly don't.

It-It's a very good tangerine.

Hey, hey, hey. Wait, what's going on?

- I don't know.
- What do you expect, Wade?

I mean, you asked Forrest and Delia

to be the girls'
guardians instead of us.

- Oh.
- Why wouldn't he?

- We're excellent parents.
- Yeah, to one kid.

- Baby.
- Yeah... Oh, wow.

Okay, well, so you know, I have
read dozens of parenting books,

and I have never skipped
over the sibling chapters.

Guys, you do realize that
this is only an issue if I die.

Yeah, man, but you
didn't even think of us.

Well, y-yes, I did.

I-I came by to ask you,

but you guys were saying that
you don't want any more kids.

I don't want any more, either.

You guys should have stopped at me.

Noah, grown folks' conversation.

Go.

Wait, so you asked Ben
and Michelle before us?

Again, Delia, dead Wade.
I'm dead in that scenario.

Yeah, but we'd be such good
parents to Grace and Natalie.

Y-Yes, you would be excellent
parents for Grace and Natalie.

Of course you would. It's just that

our parenting styles are
a little bit different.

- Oh, really?
- Yes, they are.

You're a little more snowplow,
and I like free-range.

Snowplow?

I am barely a helicopter.

- Oh, my God.
- Is this some kind of code?

Whatever happens,

I'm not giving up top bunk.

Don't make me tell you again!

Ooh, is that what you want?
That tone right there?

- Is that what you want for your kids?
- Okay, yes,

she can be a little
yelly, but it's fine.

I'm yelly? How am I yelly?

At least he didn't call you a snowplow.

You know what? This was a
very tough decision for me.

I was hoping that you would
all be a little more supportive.

- Mm-hmm.
- But you're not.

So guess what? I am
sticking with Allison.

My daughters are going
to Pensacola if I die.

- Which I won't.
- Oh...

Ow!

Oh. Ah.

Oh...

- Hey, Dad?
- Yeah...

Natalie said everyone was shouting

at each other at soccer?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it got
a little out of control.

What was it about?

Well, honestly, I've
been working on my will.

Don't-don't freak out. There's
nothing's wrong with me.

It's just the responsible
thing for parents to do.

And I had to pick a
guardian for you girls.

And nobody wanted us?

They all wanted you, Natalie.

That was the problem.

So, they were fighting over us?

- That's kind of cool.
- No. No.

It was not cool. It was very stressful.

It's-it's an impossible decision.

- No, it's not.
- Oh, no?

Okay, all right. Well,
then, who would you pick?

Easy. Forrest and Michelle.

Well, girls, I don't think

you quite understand how this works.

You have to pick two people
who live in the same house.

But Michelle is so strong.

And Forrest is such a good listener.

Yeah, but Ben is always
there for you no matter what.

And Delia? Delia's so smart,
she's like Wikipedia but pretty.

And she's a doctor.

- We would never get sick.
- Yeah, but Michelle,

she's such a good cook.
You know, she makes

- a 15-layer mac and cheese.
- Ugh, it's so good.

But Forrest could take us shopping.
We'd have the best outfits.

- He's, like, our personal stylist?
- Yeah.

It's all of you.

- All of us?
- That's right.

I don't, I don't think you
understand how this works.

Yeah, I mean, can you
even do that, legally?

No, you can't.

I put a name down,

but I'm not going to tell you

because it doesn't matter.

Why would you bring us all
over here to say nothing?

Yeah, this is incredibly unsatisfying.

Completely unsatisfying, right?

Guy-Guys, guys.

Listen to us. I mean,

Wade asked for our support,

and here we are, making it about us.

I mean, it-it is about us,
so I see why we did that.

I mean, Michelle, you
really made it about you.

But yeah. My point is,

I'm sorry.

- Yeah. Sorry, man.
- I'm sorry, too, Wade.

- My bad.
- Thank you.

Look, if anything were to happen to me,

it doesn't matter whose
house they sleep at.

My girls will need all of you.

Every single one.

Okay, cheers.

- Cheers.
- That is really sweet.

To being needed.

Wait, here's the thing.

I-I mean, we just get really invested.

I know, I know we can be annoying.

No, I love that you're invested

because it really shows that you care.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, talking of caring, I've got

something to share with you all.

I did it.

You did what?

I had sex.

Wait.

You... What? What'd you do?

I had sex.

Are you lying right now? Is he lying?

- With who?
- I'm not gonna tell you that.

With who?

Okay, it was Caroline.

No!

Like, four days ago.

- No!
- Now, I'm-a forgive you

for sitting on that
breaking news for four days,

'cause Wade got him some!

What? You all right, Wade.

I just...

Caroline? Really?

What's wrong with Caroline?

- Who's Caroline?
- Caroline!

I don't know Caroline.

Forrest, for the love of God.

- You did the right thing.
- Yeah, the brave thing.

- You're not gonna miss your little swimmers.
- Nah.

Yeah, you're right.
I'm not gonna miss them.

I wasn't doing anything
with them anyways.

I just liked knowing
they were there, you know?

Sure. Feels like a
part of my life is over.

Yeah, don't-don't think about that.

Think about stress-free
sex with your wife.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yes.

- Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Is that... Whoa, whoa.

- Oh, easy.
- Ah, ooh. It hurts to think about that.

- Calm down, buddy.
- Got to slow down on that.

But, uh, you know what does
make it better though, Wade,

is that I may be out of commission,

but you, my friend,

you back on active duty, Wade.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Our man
Wade here's gonna be the one

needing the frozen peas,
'cause he's on fire!

It was one time.

Forrest, air horn him!

It was one time.

Yeah.

Stop, stop, stop.