The Unicorn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - It Isn't Romantic - full transcript

I-I told Anna that I wasn't ready yet.

But what if that was just an excuse?

What if I'm never ready?

I mean, th-that's crazy, right?

I mean, I wasn't ready yet.

I mean, an intimate relationship?

I just... I need to get
to know myself better.

- That's a goal.
- (CROWD CHEERING)

- Yeah. That is a goal, Ben.
- No, Wade.

That was a goal. You missed it.

Oh. Goal! Blue team!



- Orange.
- Goal!

- Orange team!
- (MOUTHS)

Poor Wade is really taking
this breakup pretty badly, huh?

- Yeah.
- He won't stop talking about it.

Yeah, do you think
it's insensitive of me

as his best friend to tell
him to put a cork in it?

If I have to listen to
him say one more time,

(IMITATING WADE): "Oh, come
on. What was I thinking?

"Ah, she w... she was wonderful.

- Come on, Wade".
- (CHUCKLES)

That impression was spot-on.

"Well, thank you very much".

(REGULAR ACCENT): No...
Oh, see? I just went Elvis.

- Yeah. Yeah, that was Elvis.
- Almost had it.



Michelle, you all right?

Yeah, just a stitch in my side.

BEN: All right, girls, that's game!

- Bring it in!
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)

Hey.

You sure you're all right?

Okay, that place that you're clutching,

that could be appendicitis,
gallbladder or a spleen thing.

Or it could be nothing at all. I'm okay.

(RETCHES)

She's throwing up in a bag.

No, I'm not.

- Let me see the bag.
- No!

I'm okay.

Okay, we should go to the hospital.

- Yeah. Good idea. Come on.
- Yeah.

We're not going to the hospital.

I still have to do the donut holes

and the rest of the Go-Gurts and...

Oh, my God, this is the
worst pain I've ever had.

Pass me the Go-Gurts!

- Let's go.
- Come on, get out of here.

- We got you...
- Oh, we're gonna need more bags!

- Bags!
- FORREST: Got it. I'm on it.

- BEN: Come on, kids. Let's go.
- Bags, bags, bag...

Uh... Uh-oh.

There's bags in the bag she threw up in.

She threw up on the bags.

- Easy.
- I'm being easy.

BEN: Kids, your mama's home.

- (KIDS CHEER)
- Mm.

- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.

Ooh, no, no. Don't squish Mommy.

- Thank you.
- Gentle. Oh, sure.

- Oh.
- Just... (STAMMERS) Careful.

Oh, babe... Oh. Let
me give that to Daddy.

Did they really take
out your gallbladder?

- Yes.
- Can I have it?

No. But I brought you a green Jell-O.

Score!

Noah, share with everyone, please.

Let me take that from you.

- Oh, sure. Yeah.
- Thank you, Delia.

I knew something was wrong,

and I was too scared
to find out what it was.

She was a pit bull in that hospital.

You should've heard her yelling

at all the doctors and nurses.

DELIA: Well, no, the nurse clearly

did not know how to insert a catheter.

So, luckily,

- I'm a doctor.
- Okay.

You're a pediatrician.

Whatever.

Pee-holes are pee-holes.

WADE: I mean, we were
just having dinners out

every single night. I was
just... I felt so good.

It was like we were at the top
of a roller-coaster and my hands

were up in the air and I was screaming,

"Ha!"

She really likes chicken cacciatore.

I mean, how many people like that still?

I mean, I love chili out of a can.

And so does she.

I really wanted to put myself out there,

but then I think, you know,

maybe I shouldn't have
put myself out there.

But if I don't put myself out there,

how will I know if I'm ready?

I'm tied up in knots. Ugh!

(SIGHS)

Wade, I feel like it,
you know, was yesterday,

we couldn't get you to
open up in these meetings.

- I miss those days.
- (LAUGHTER)

WADE: I know. I just really
have to sort this out.

How will I know if I'm ready
for a serious relationship?

EMMA: I can help you with that.

You're not.

I made the same mistake when Phil died.

You were in a committed
and caring relationship

- for what, 20 years?
- Yeah.

And you think going
out on a couple of dates

is gonna fill that hole that you feel?

(CHUCKLES): You're always
gonna wind up disappointed.

Wade, you have to get out
there and just bang one out.

EMMA: Or two.

Or three.

I like eager strangers.

You can find them anywhere.

The gym's a good spot.

Wade, listen. Trust me.

It is gonna feel so good to you
when you just find some woman

- that you just want to...
- Uh...

Uh, Natalie? Can I help you?

Nope. Just lost my
retainer somewhere in here.

You know. Just keep
talking. Not even listening.

Your retainer is in
your mouth. I can see it.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh. That's where it is.

Go.

Faster.

- Oh, my God.
- EMMA: We're just saying,

get out there and have some fun.

That's what we did.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- In time, you'll be ready for something deeper.

CAROLINE: Or not. It's
been four years for me,

and I am still really enjoying
the bang out a quick one phase.

- (CHUCKLES)
- I mean, not too quick. You know...

- (LAUGHTER)
- I'm a lady.

WADE: I hear you. And
it makes perfect sense.

I'm just not really the
"bang one out" kind of guy.

Luckily for me, I've
got a lot of work to do.

That's where I get
my best thinking done.

Yeah. Because that's what women
are really looking for, Wade.

A thinker.

(WOMEN CHUCKLING)

You've got to make her stay in bed.

If she has to go to the
bathroom, you should take her.

I can make it to the
bathroom myself, thanks.

What about foods? Soft stuff?

Actually, high fiber, low fat.

Density is not gonna be your friend.

I'd get a stool softener.

Okay, my stool is good.

And again, thank you so much.

And tell Forrest hi
when you get home now.

Do not let her do any heavy lifting.

In fact, you know what,
Ben? No lifting at all.

Am I a ghost? Do people not hear me?

- Of course we hear you, honey.
- Yeah.

- You just got to take it easy.
- Take it easy?

I've got four kids. I've got
laundry to do, beds to make,

hair to braid, meals to cook.

And yelling alone is a full-time job.

And Monday is picture day

and Sahai has outgrown
all her nice clothes.

Okay. Michelle, Michelle,
you have got to relax.

Ben and I are gonna
take care of everything.

I'm gonna look after the house,

- I'm gonna feed the kids.
- You will fail.

You're on drugs, so I'm
just gonna shrug that off.

Ben, you're gonna take
care of clothes and hair.

Got it. I'll take Sahai to
Dillard's in the morning.

Dillard's? Are we rich?

What? Are you gonna have your
butler drive you to Dillard's?

(CHUCKLES): Honey, where
would you like me to go?

The same place we've
been going for years.

Right.

The Young Tomorrow

- outlet store.
- Outlet store! I knew that.

Uh, Ben, check the
website for discount codes.

And there's free parking in the
lot behind the North Face store!

And Dick's Sporting Goods
has one dollar hot dogs!

(TONGUE CLICKING) Hurts
to yell, doesn't it?

No.

- Can I have another pill?
- No.

I'm glad everything is okay with
Michelle. That was really scary.

Yeah, sure was. Hey, what about you?

- You okay?
- I will be.

My crew is off today,

so I get the whole day to
myself to just dig holes

and figure stuff out.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, we're
different, you and I.

Yeah.

Hey, thanks for bringing over breakfast.

- Of course.
- I got a big day ahead of me.

I got to take Sahai shopping,
which means I got to take

all the kids with me. Ooh!

Ben, you know, since
you're going already,

would you mind taking Addie with you?

I was thinking about maybe
trying to squeeze in a nap,

go down to The Y, have a shvitz.

Forrest, I'm already taking four
kids. You want to make it five

so that you can go
have a... have a what?

(LAUGHS): A shvitz, dude. A steam bath.

You know I had that sinus
thing last year. (SNIFFLES)

Oh, man, I actually need
clothes for picture day, too.

Well, I'm sure Grace has
some old stuff you could wear.

He did not mean that, Natalie.

- Wha...
- FORREST: Hey.

Ben can take you guys. Right?

You can take them. You're
already taking five.

- What's two more?
- Seven!

How about you take
the girls to the mall,

and I stay home with the little
ones and take care of my wife

with the fresh surgical incision?

Oh, wow. W... You're playing that card?

- Yes.
- Wow. All right, great.

So I'm going to the mall
with four tween girls, huh?

It's not in my comfort zone.

Yeah. This is gonna be so interesting.

I don't want to stay
with the little kids.

Well, then you can go to the
mall. Those are your options.

Can we at least go to the
mall with the sword store?

I keep telling you, you dreamt that.

It seemed so real.

Can I go to work with Wade?

I don't think you
would enjoy that, kiddo.

But all you do is play in the dirt.

Well, I have a degree in botany

and I spent years studying design.

But, yeah, basically.

BEN: ♪ Over, under ♪

♪ Back again ♪

♪ Left strand, right
strand, bring it in. ♪

That's it. Let's go.

♪ Over, under, back again ♪

♪ Left strand, right strand... ♪

And your hair's totally
not braided. (GRUMBLES)

Okay, um, I just finished
my third load of laundry.

And I'm not even halfway
done. How's it going in here?

Bad. Really bad. I'm
no match for this hair.

The strands are just so tiny,

and my fingers are like big sausages.

Alexa, call Michelle.

ALEXA: Calling Michelle's mobile.

(LINE RINGS, DELIA MOUTHS)

- MICHELLE: Hello?
- Hey, Michelle!

Is everything okay?

Oh, it's so good. So great.

- Then why did you call?
- (SCOFFS) No reason.

- Alexa, hang up.
- (LINE BEEPS)

You listen to me and you listen good.

That woman has a belly full of stitches,

and she needs to stay
in bed and to rest.

So you need to man up and
braid this little girl's hair.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Okay, I'm gonna go do

a load of laundry and then I
got to get to the grocery store.

Oh, and I'm trying to get Kai
to focus on his art project,

but that's (BLOWS RASPBERRY) impossible.

You didn't leave him alone
with the art supplies, did you?

Is that bad?

Could be.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

(WHISPERS): It's Michelle.

(STAMMERS)

(LOW VOICE): Hey, baby.

MICHELLE: Did Delia just hang up on me?

- Is something wrong?
- (REGULAR VOICE): No! Everything is cool.

Real cool. We're shaking
it... we're Fonzie.

Everything's shaking out. It's all good.

- Ooh.
- MICHELLE: Okay.

Well, do I smell fabric softener?

Maybe.

Well, if I smell it,
you're using too much.

Okay. I'll just rewash
everything. (STIFLED SOB)

No, why don't I just come down
there and make sure y'all...

- No!
- No! Everything's cool, baby.

The braids are done.

- High five, Zoe.
- (MOUTHS)

Okay. Bye-bye.

Alexa,

how do you get permanent
marker off of skin?

- (GRUNTS)
- Why do you need so many kinds of shovels?

They each do a different job.

One's for digging, one's for spreading,

and the other one is
serrated to cut through roots.

What is fertilizer?

Fertilizer is cow poop.

- Yeah.
- Are all plants carnivorous?

You know, Noah, if you
think about that question

for just a second, I think
you'll know the answer.

Yes. Yes, they are.

No. No, they're not.

But a squirrel can climb a
tree, and if it falls into a hole

in the tree and dies, the
tree will digest the squirrel,

so technically,

that makes it a carnivore.

Or it could be an omnivore.

Which is what I am. I don't
really care for salads.

Noah, buddy, I think that
you are super interesting,

but I am just really

trying to focus today.
I've got some, uh,

some grown-up problems
that I'm trying to work out.

Ah. Yeah. About that lady.

My dad says you keep going

on and on about it.

Yeah, well, not anymore.

Good.

'Cause it's irritating
when people don't know

when to be quiet

and just talk and talk

- and talk...
- Hey, buddy, guess what.

I have a job for you.

You see that spot way over there?

I want you to dig a
hole with this shovel,

and when you're done, I want you
to fill it in with this shovel.

I'll be learning two
different shovel skills.

Yes, you will. Go.

♪♪

Keep going.

Keep going.

(GASPS) Sahai.

Oh, my God.

Do you think these will look good on me?

GRACE: Oh, those would
look so good on you.

- Forrest.
- (GASPS) Yeah?

You know, you don't have
to follow us around, right?

- I don't?
- No.

Oh. Well, I've literally
never done this before, so...

- My mom always takes me shopping...
- Yeah.

... and picks out my clothes,

- and tells me if they fit.
- Yeah.

I just zone out, and the next
thing I know, I'm back in the car.

It's so cute.

You should go sit on the dad bench.

There's a dad bench, huh?

(OVER SPEAKERS): ♪ This
is what we came here for ♪

♪ I'm coming out 'cause all the
girls and boys want more... ♪

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS)

How 'bout them Tar Heels?

Oh, yeah. (LAUGHS)

Oh, what about them?

- Mm.
- Oh, God.

ACC's pretty stacked.

Think they can take it?

Uh...

(EXHALES)

Those are not my people.

I'm getting this. Boom.

Two down, and then all of this to go.

Whew. Why do you have so much hair?

So I've been scrubbing that
boy's face for a half hour,

and that marker's not coming
off, and it's taking a real toll

- on our friendship.
- That sucks because

tomorrow is picture day, and
Michelle's gonna flip out.

No, she's not,

because she's not going
to see him that way,

because I'm going to get her makeup,

I'm going to cover it up,

right after I'm done
rewashing the sheets,

and I'm gonna run to the grocery
store to get dinner started.

- Kai's got the marker again.
- Kai, for the love of God!

Uh, Grace, what do you think?

Oh, oh, my gosh,
Natalie, that is so cute.

- I like it.
- I love the colors.

Yeah...

- What?
- No, it's...

Nothing. Please, you guys do your thing.

No, no, what?

Uh, I don't know. It
just... it seems to me

that the waist is too high.

It cuts you off. If I were you,

I'd find something
that cinches at the hip.

- You think?
- Totally.

And with your complexion,

you should be in cooler tones.

Wintry blues, grays.

Oh, my God, I think he's right.

What do you think?

I like it.

Pair it with that floral
print skirt right there,

and I love it.

No way.

- Way.
- ADDIE: Oh, my God.

- Dad, it works.
- Yeah.

Why are we surprised?
I mean, look at him.

He's always so perfectly put together.

- Yeah.
- Shut your stupid faces.

What? Shut up.

- (LAUGHTER)
- No, no, no, look at his cuffs.

- No, come on, stop.
- They always match.

Seriously, you guys are
embarrassing me. Stop it.

Have you seen my socks,
though? Look at these.

- (EXCITED CHATTER)
- What?! Stop it!

- Shut up! Shut up! (CHUCKLES)
- Okay.

Can you find outfits for all of us?

- Yes.
- No, me first. Okay, what do you think?

- How do you feel about jumpsuits?
- Not mad at them.

FORREST: Right over here.

My hole is fantastic.

You can't even tell I ever dug it.

Great. I need five more just like it.

I need to pee.

Well, I'm afraid

you're gonna have to
use the porta-potty.

I've never used one of those before.

It's like a little house.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I guess it is.

(GRUNTS)

(QUIET RUMMAGING)

Delia.

What are you doing in my bathroom?

(SHUSHING)

Stop shushing me. Why are you up here?

Is there a problem?

No, I just... I had to get some little,

you know, rubber bands for Zoe's hair,

but, you know, it's
fine, everything's fine.

There's no problems. Okay, okay.

- What about the shopping?
- Uh, it's done.

- Dinner?
- Done.

- Laundry?
- It's done. It's redone.

Done and redone.
Everything's done. (CHUCKLES)

So everything got done

- while I lay here in bed?
- Yeah.

So you could just rest, relax, heal,

take a load off. Okay.

Great.

I have to admit,

I thought the house would
fall apart without me,

but it didn't.

I mean, obviously, it's
been, it's been hard.

- I mean, you know, obviously.
- No.

You said so yourself,
everybody's fine without me.

- It's great.
- Oh.

Just lay here and do nothing.

Michelle.

Want, like, a book?

Delia.

Now, I know it's early, but
the rest of the contestants

for Father of the Year can suck it.

Look at these braids. It's in the bag.

Wow.

So, Ben,

this is hard for me.
I think I was wrong.

I mean, I thought

Michelle might relax if she could see

that we can get along without her,

but it might be killing her.

Uh-oh.

She go all quiet on you?

And then some.

Oh, man, that's bad.

Very bad.

We need to make her feel needed.

- How?
- Uh...

I'm gonna screw up dinner.

Okay.

And, Ben...

Don't say it.

You're gonna take out those
beautiful little braids.

- My braids?
- Yeah.

Here, kid, knock yourself out.

You know what I wish?

I wish that I could
be more like you, Noah.

Just live in the moment.

Throw your penny in the well.

(SIGHS)

(PENNY PLOPS)

I wish for a dragon.

(PENNY PLOPS)

Okay, I'm out of change.
Hey, buddy, you want to help me

get the rest of these
trees in the ground?

Let me grab my plants.

We should just put a tree there.

Yeah, you can't just put a tree
wherever you want to, kiddo.

Isn't that a good place for a tree?

Well, that's not the point.
When you're a grown-up,

you got to make plans and
you got to stick to them.

- That's dumb.
- Maybe,

but it keeps you from making mistakes.

Who cares about making mistakes?

I make 'em all the time.

We just threw six dollars in a toilet.

We did, didn't we?

And it felt good.

So we're gonna plant the tree there?

Yeah. Yes, we are.

All right.

And then we can go get me a sword.

I've got something better.

I'm gonna get you your own shovel.

That wishing well is terrible.

Okay. I think we're ready.

Indeed.

Wait for it.

MICHELLE: Is something
burning down there?

Dang it, y-you caught me.

Uh, something's happened to dinner.

(QUIETLY): Go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go.

DELIA: I'm so sorry.

I just... I don't know what to do.

MICHELLE: It's okay.

I got a frozen casserole.
I'll tell you how to heat it.

Three, two, one.

MICHELLE: Oh, my God!

- Kai, what happened to your face?
- (LAUGHING)

Who gave you a marker?

Yes! Yeah!

I am so sorry.

I just didn't want you to worry

because you really need to relax.

Do I look relaxed? This is not relaxing.

I guess I underestimated how
much everybody depends on you.

Well, I guess you did.

Yes, I did.

Uh, baby?

I may need your help.

You may?

Come here, baby girl. I'll fix you up.

Can you bring the laundry up here?

I can fold it after I fix this hair.

If it's okay with my doctor.

Mm-hmm. It's fine.

If she pops her stitches
braiding that girl's hair,

I will never forgive myself.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- FORREST: Michelle!

Hey, check out Sahai's new
outfit. Guess who picked it out.

This guy.

(LOUDLY): Forrest, that
is absolutely hideous.

Michelle's gonna hate it.
What were you thinking?

(QUIETLY): You look so beautiful!

(LOUDLY): You got to get
it out of here. Blah! Ugh!

(QUIETLY): Love it. It's so pretty.

(LOUDLY): Ah, I'm such
a stupid piece of crap.

(WHISPERING): What are we doing?

(SIGHS)

FORREST: Look, check this out.

- What's this?
- What's that?

It's just a cashmere scarf

that's gonna go great
with your off-gray peacoat.

Or it doubles as a wrap

- for that sheath dress you love.
- You listen to me.

You are picking out
my clothes from now on.

- I have a gift.
- (DOOR OPENS)

WADE: Wow, Noah, that
was such an awesome day.

Can we do that again sometime?

Okay.

Classic high five.

- So you survived the day?
- WADE: I did.

That Noah is a pretty wise kid.

Yeah. Really?

Yeah. He taught me something.

Thinking too much is dumb.

(SIGHS)

Like I said, sometimes
you got to just...

bang one out.

I didn't see the wisdom
of it until just now.

I should probably go.

- I mean, I'd love to stay, but...
- Okay. Oh.

- So, Wade, listen, we're good.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you should
probably just hit the road.

Okay. Um, I had a lovely time.

Oh, me, too.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

You should probably go
before it gets weird.

- Yeah, just...
- Yeah, roger that. Yeah, okay.

(SIGHS)

Um...

Oh, that was a while.

Hey. You did good.

Thank you.

How-how good?

You know what? Never mind.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.