The Unicorn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - If It Doesn't Spark Joy - full transcript

I just wanted to tell you
that Anna is coming to Ben

- and Michelle's party.
- I'm Anna, by the way.

- You're Delia's Anna?
- And you're Delia's Wade.

This was the most amazing night ever.

I thought so, too.

- Uh, hello.
- Hey.

- It's gonna be a little weird.
- It's super weird.

I'm really sorry about what happened
the other day with Grace.

That's not how I wanted you two to meet.

Is she okay?

Yeah, she's fine. I caught
her making out with this boy



a few months back, so we're even.

- Wow, I run with a fast crowd.
- A very fast crowd.

(CHUCKLES)

Aw! Sorry. (CHUCKLES)

Ooh, Life Savers. Can
I have an orange one?

Uh, you know what?

- Take the roll. I got to get back.
- All right.

Those pustules won't pop themselves.

You know, second
thought, you take those.

- All right.
- Okay.

DELIA: Aw! (CHUCKLES)

Ah. Wow.

- Things are going well, I see?
- Yes,

but it's tough. You know,
I'd like to see her more,



but I've-I've really
had to put on the brakes

after what happened with the girls.

Okay, you listen to me.

She is damn near perfect for
you, and you cannot blow this.

I don't think you know
how much I have invested

in this relationship.

I know, Delia, and-and I'm sorry.

- Okay.
- Wait.

Why am I apologizing to you?

Uh, Wade, what's going
on with your garage?

- It's a mess.
- Well, it's not that bad.

Oh, it's bad.

I could hardly make it to the fridge.

Haven't you seen Hoarders?
You could be on it.

Uh, well, I'll, uh, I'll get
to it when I have some time.

No time like the present.

BEN: Wade, she's trying
to get you to have

a yard sale so she can
sell our stuff there, too.

Well, why don't you just have
a yard sale at your house?

'Cause we can't.

The neighbors complained about
how many yard sales she has.

There's a whole thread about
it on that neighborhood app.

That neighborhood app
is a bunch of racists.

Okay, that may be true, but
they also help find lost cats.

I'll go get my own beer.

So you're just asking to
have a yard sale at my house?

How does Saturday 8:00 a.m. sound?

- Really early.
- Trust me,

- it's a great way to make money.
- NATALIE: Oh, that's good,

so you can take out your
gross doctor girlfriend.

Come on, Natalie. I mean,
you haven't even met her yet.

I don't need to meet
her. She's a Gemini.

That was the last beer?

Cheers.

Dad, here's the stuff I want to sell.

I don't play with them anyway.

Of course you don't play with
them, they're your brother's.

This isn't.

Boy, put that stuff back.

(CHUCKLES)

Hold on.

What are these doing here?

I know, I know, it's
your precious vinyl,

but these are duplicates.

You have three copies of James Brown's

Merry Christmas Album.

But it's got 11 funky Christmas hits.

Why keep any of this when
you can just stream it?

Because streaming music
is cold and soulless.

It's like I tell all my clients

when I'm putting in their systems,

vinyl is tactile, the
sound is warm and present.

And listening to Digable Planets
on anything else... (CHUCKLES)

should be illegal.

And James Brown is staying.

Next Christmas is gonna be funky.

WADE: Hey, Nat. Come down
here, check this out.

I got a new game. You
know how I never let you

- play Aggravated Assault?
- Yeah.

Well, uh, I realize that-that
you're not a kid anymore,

and I thought maybe
we could play and, uh,

and just kind of talk
about things, you know?

Because, lately,

we haven't really had
a chance to discuss

everything that's been
going on and, you know,

what's going on in our
hearts and how we feel and...

Oh, my God, I'm on fire.

(SCREAMING OVER TV)

H-How did you do that?

That was fun, Dad. Still hate Anna. Bye.

I mean, I tried to talk
to Natalie on her level,

but she saw through me pretty quick.

She's just putting up a wall.

Well, yeah, 'cause she
can see that you like Anna.

- Delia.
- Yeah?

I've been looking everywhere for
something to sell at this yard sale;

all I can find are these old glasses.

Okay, well, maybe you can sell those.

Yeah. I mean, I guess I could.

They're right eye -250, left eye +175.

I mean, that's got to
fit somebody, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, this...
nothing's gonna get better

until I can introduce Anna to the girls.

You know, maybe you should
wait a little bit, you know,

until, you know, after...
(IMITATES BED SQUEAKING)

Is that supposed to be sex?

- What-what kind of sex are you having?
- Don't answer that.

Look, here's what I want to do:

I-I-I want them to
meet on neutral ground.

- Let's do it here. Yeah.
- Really?

We'll do, like, a whole
dinner party for Anna.

Oh, Delia, thank you so
much. Oh, that would be,

that would be so great.
I-I just want something

- really casual and-and easy and-and fun.
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah, so fun, so casual.

Casual, easy, and fun. That's Delia.

Hey, are you free for
dinner on Friday night?

I am, and I would love

to go on a real date,
just the two of us.

- Oh, man, me, too.
- Yeah.

That's not what this is.

- Oh.
- It's more of an awkward staged meeting

between you and two girls

who are determined to hate you.

- Wow. You are a hell of a salesman.
- Yeah.

- I'm in. (CHUCKLES)
- Uh, yeah? Okay. All right.

Yes. Yes. All right.

(GIGGLES)

DELIA: Addie, honey, you ready to go?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Wow.

Is this all the stuff you're gonna sell?

- No, this is everything we're gonna keep.
- Really?

Guys, what're you gonna
do with all this junk?

I mean, when was the last
time you even used this?

When we went to Moonshine
Mountain with Mom.

Ah. Yeah. Okay, but what about, uh,

what about this little
tiny Minions costume?

I mean, you couldn't
even fit into it anymore.

Mom made that for me
out of an old raincoat.

Okay. Let's... Come here for a sec.

Um, I get what you're
going through, okay?

Your dad dating Anna, it just feels like

things are changing really fast, right?

You want to hold on to Mom even more,

but Mom isn't in stuff, you know?

Stuff is just stuff.
She's not any stuff.

Stuff comes, it goes, but...

Mom's right here.

She's always gonna be right here.

Well, I-I guess we could
sell some of this stuff.

That's the spirit.

I know you guys can do
this. Okay. All right.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

Oh. Hi. (CHUCKLES)

Thank you. Couldn't
bring myself to do it.

Oh, yeah. Happy to.

Uh, so, uh, are we good for Friday?

- Oh, yes. I am so psyched.
- Yeah, and you feel okay

about cooking for so many people?

(LAUGHS) I'm not cooking.
I don't cook. I'm a doctor.

You know, I got to say,
I'm really impressed

that a busy doctor like
yourself still finds the time

to order this much food.

Well, I want things
to be special for Anna.

I know.

Is that a special log cabin
you're making out of egg rolls?

No. Oh, wait, am I?
Oh, God. I don't know.

- Come on, come on.
- FORREST: Hey, Ben.

(CHILDREN SHOUTING, LAUGHING)

Forrest.

- Hi.
- So, the yard sale is tomorrow.

- Yeah...
- What do you got?

Here you go.

- That's it?
- Yep.

Oh, I, uh, I actually found some, uh,

boxes in the back of my closet, too.

- What was in them?
- Other empty boxes.

Guys, I scoured this entire house.

I-I don't own anything.

Nothing... seriously.
Seriously, nothing.

And it made me think, like, what am I?

I used to have hobbies
and-and interests.

- Yeah?
- I don't know.

Have I organized
myself out of existence?

- Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
- Okay, all right.

Tell me something that is
special or unique about me.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

You're up.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey.

- Hi.
- Wow, you look

- so beautiful. Uh...
- Uh, thanks. Uh...

- Uh... um, uh, yeah.
- Mmm.

(CHUCKLES)

So, uh, you-you ready for this?

Uh, not at all, but
here I am, so that's...

- You're gonna do great.
- Great.

WADE: Hey-hey, everybody.

- You remember Anna. Hey.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Anna!

Oh, wow, what a spread.

Did you get eggplant
curry? That's my favorite.

Yes, I know, because you
were making yummy sounds

at lunch the other day,

so I looked in the garbage can

afterwards to see what you ate.

- Is that weird?
- Uh, yeah. That's very weird.

- Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)
- So,

are you ready to meet the most...

The most important
people in your life? Sure.

Let's do it.

WADE: Hey, girls? Grace,

you remember Anna.

Um, I-I do.

- Hi.
- ANNA: Hi.

And-and, uh, this is, this is Natalie.

Natalie?

Come-come on. Come here.

ANNA: Hi. So, um, your dad

tells me you play soccer.

Uh, yeah, she sure does,
and she's really great at it.

- Yeah.
- ANNA: Cool.

Who's your favorite player?
Mine's Alex Morgan,

but that's probably just 'cause
we're both forwards, so...

Wait, you-you play?

Oh, yeah. I played
soccer, back in college.

Oh, my God, really?

Division III. We were awful.

But I scored three goals and
got four teeth kicked out.

See? These four right
here. Can you tell?

Cool.

Addie. Addie, she got
her teeth knocked out!

(LAUGHTER)

- You found her weak spot.
- Yeah, well,

if that didn't work, I had
six puppies in my purse.

- (LAUGHS)
- WADE: Oh, uh, Anna was actually

just telling me that
she really likes music.

And I know that-that
you really like music.

Wow. Yeah. I-I think
everyone likes music.

- (LAUGHS)
- Yeah. That was kind of rough.

- Was that rough? Was it lame?
- It was rough.

Okay, so maybe you guys can get together

and talk about how lame I am.

- We can do that. Yeah.
- It's an easy topic.

- Yeah.
- There's lots to talk about with that.

Is he always like this?

- Kind of.
- Yeah?

- And you're dating him because... ?
- (LAUGHS)

MICHELLE: Well,
it looks like it's going well.

Yeah. Anna and the girls
might be hitting it off.

They are, aren't they?

BEN: And now that you like
her and the girls like her,

there's nothing to stop you and Anna

- from taking things to the next level.
- Mm-hmm.

FORREST: Yeah. (GRUNTING)

Uh-huh.

- Come on, man.
- Uh-huh...

Uh, excuse me. What are you doing?

The sign says yard sale.

Oh, so you know your letters,

but you still don't know your numbers?

It says we start at 8:00.

I'm posting about this
on the neighborhood app.

- I bet you are.
- WADE: Please don't make my neighbors

- hate me.
- No guarantees, buddy.

Here you go.

Hey, so, uh,

there's nothing standing
in the way now, right?

You and Anna?

No. No, just got to
plan the perfect moment.

MICHELLE: Perfect moment?

Ben and I did it waiting for
waffles to pop up this morning.

You know what? You're right.

- There is no time like the present.
- Mm.

Any chance you guys could take the girls

- for a sleepover tonight?
- BEN: Hell yes.

- Really?
- But if you want

to have more sex in the morning,

just shoot me a text and I'll
take the kids to breakfast, too.

MICHELLE: And if need be,
we'll keep them all day.

Guys, I appreciate it,

but I think you're
way overestimating me.

- Maybe. Maybe not.
- BEN: Ah!

- MICHELLE: There you go.
- Maybe not. Maybe not.

Go get her, tiger.

- These are my puzzles.
- Okay. Well,

- I will, I get more money...
- DELIA: Guys,

I-I am so proud of you for
getting rid of all this stuff.

Yeah, well, you're
right. It's just stuff.

Yeah, I mean, do you
really want to waste

all this wonderful space in your house

on, like, a home yogurt
maker or Happy Meal toys?

- (LAUGHS)
- Or this ridiculous hat

that Jill and I got at the county fair

because we were getting so burned.

And I can't believe she kept it.

- Should we go put it out on the table?
- Yes.

- That's where we're gonna put all the stuff...
- Mm-hmm.

...'cause it's just
stuff, it's just stuff.

Yeah.

What is this?

Banana hanger.

What do you use it for?

You hang your bananas on it.

- How much?
- Two dollars.

- I'll give you ten cents.
- No.

- You serious?
- Yes.

- Can I use your bathroom?
- No.

Are you serious?

Eh.

FORREST: Oh, man. Check this out.

Sly and the Family Stone?

Tribe Called Quest?

Outkast?

These are great. How much for these?

Why do you care? You
don't even own a turntable.

Yeah, but I saw one last
week at the hipster store

- where I got these pants.
- No.

Pants and audio equipment
should be two different stores.

Yeah, but there was a great deal.

Free trucker's hat with every purchase.

Yeah, you're not getting my vinyl.

Oh, come on, man. I need a thing.

You know that. This could be my thing.

- I could be vinyl guy.
- Yeah.

But not with my vinyl.

(GROANS)

D-Did you get these out of my fridge?

Oh, yeah. You want to buy one?

No, I don't want to buy one,
I want half your profits.

What do you have against
the small businessman?

(CHUCKLES)

- Girls, how's it going here?
- NATALIE: Oh, great.

We just sold Mom's old sun hat.

- Ah. Keep up the good work.
- (CHUCKLES)

Really?

- I mean, really?
- GRACE: Yeah.

I mean, we had to throw
in a beach towel, but...

Oh. Wait, the one with the pelican on it

that we got in Hilton Head?

You were right.

I'm glad we're getting
rid of this stuff.

Yeah, right? Feels good. So good.

- Wow. Yeah. Me, too.
- (CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES) More stuff...

FORREST: Hi... hey.

- Hey.
- So, a little birdie

tells me that, uh,
tonight's the big night.

Uh, yeah. Yeah, it's, um,
it's the big-big night.

Sure. Sure. You remember
how to do it, right?

Hey. You asking this man if
he remembers how to have sex?

I don't know! I don't know.
I'm nervous for the guy.

- Yeah.
- You know? I'm nervous for you.

And as soon as I heard,

I ran out and I got you something.

- What? Really?
- Yeah. It's nothing.

Oh, Forrest, thank you.
That's very, very sweet.

- You're welcome.
- But I-I can get my own condoms.

- Oh, okay. That's cool. I just...
- Thank you, though. Thank you.

I didn't know whether
you'd be embarrassed or not.

I sure was. I had to drive
all the way down to Garner

where no one knows me.

Boys, thank you so
much for your interest.

I will see you gentlemen
on the other side.

- Oh, man.
- Wow.

- Huh.
- Look at him go.

There goes a great man.

I'll give you a buck for the mug.

Sold.

- No, not sold.
- Okay, I'll give you two bucks.

- Great. Even better.
- No, nope. Nope.

Is there something I
don't know about that mug?

It's not for sale. Did you know that,

Joan? Now you do.

Excuse me, um, yeah, you're
not gonna want that, either, no.

Oh, is it missing a piece?

Technically, it's missing ten,
but... Jill and I still did this

every Christmas, so...
yeah, it's not for sale.

But it's a yard sale.

Just take a hike, Jeff, would you?

Just move it along. No.

It's not for sale. What part
of that did you not get, okay?

Joan, can you put that down?

Thank you, not yours. Okay,
um, actually, everybody?

I just want to make
a little announcement.

(WHISTLES) Heads up.

This table is off-limits.

Nobody touch anything here, okay?

Because this is not for sale.

WADE: Uh, Delia?

- You okay?
- Yeah, it's just, this is all Jill's stuff.

WADE: Yes.

But a wise woman once said
that-that Jill is in our hearts.

Yeah, but she's also in this stuff.

And I want to keep it.

- WADE: I know.
- (DELIA CRYING)

Hey, Delia.

You can take it.

GRACE: We have a bunch
of stuff to remember her by.

You should, too.

You should.

Okay, okay. (SNIFFLES)

- Okay, great. Yeah.
- Here.

- (CHUCKLES) From New York.
- Oh, from New York.

- What about Hamton?
- Yeah, yeah. Give me that.

- Hawaii.
- I need that, I need that.

Do we have a bag?

- Do you guys have a bag?
- Yeah, we have a bag, get a bag.

Beer! Five dollars!

Uh, I got to go stop
a small businessman.

- NOAH: Five dollars, right here!
- Uh, okay. Please do.

(WADE SIGHS, GRUNTS)

What do you have against capitalism?

70-30?

(DOGS BARKING)

(CHUCKLING): Oh, hello, doggies. Hi.

- Hi. (CHUCKLES)
- Wow, they really like you,

- and they are very picky.
- Are they?

- Nah, they're dogs.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)

- Ah...
- You know what?

That restaurant was so nice.

Especially after the break room.

You know what would be, um...

- great after the wine at that restaurant?
- Hmm?

- More wine.
- (GASPS) I can make that happen.

(CHUCKLES) I had a feeling.

Mmm...

- Okay.
- Okay.

Hey, these are great.

Are these, uh... for that giant house

- they're building on Idlewild?
- WADE: Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's gonna be, uh,
it's gonna be beautiful.

I'm gonna do a, a
decomposed granite walkway

with, uh...

succulents on either side.

I can walk you through the whole thing.

Or not. Kind of dorky.

(CHUCKLES) Well, so am
I, so that sounds great.

(PLAYS SINGLE NOTE)

(PLAYS TWO NOTES)

(PLAYS SONG)

♪♪

♪♪

Ah. The wine has arrived.

You okay?

(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Uh, Jill used to... play that piano.

Almost every night. (CHUCKLES)

The whole family
would-would gather round.

She used to sing.

And we would, we would all sing.

Jill was a much better player
than she was a singer...

but...

she never let that stop her.

She never let anything stop her.

She sounds pretty amazing.

(VOICE BREAKS): She really was.

Uh, I'm sorry.

(SNIFFLES, EXHALES)

You're not ready for this, are you?

I'm not.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

You know, I think I'm gonna go.

Yeah.

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

♪♪

(EXHALES)

I was lecturing the girls on
dealing with their grief,

when I clearly haven't
dealt with my own.

That mug has a leak.

- I don't care.
- Uh, how's Anna doing?

Uh, you know, she'll be all right.

- She cried a little.
- Yeah.

But then she got that
really sweet e-mail from you.

Then she cried a lot.

Then she told me she was going
to Botswana to fight some,

you know, Lassa fever
outbreak, so, yeah.

She's in her happy place.

- Well, good-good for her.
- Yeah.

- She's so amazing. I'm sorry.
- (DOOR OPENS)

- But she's really great.
- Yeah.

Well, guys, that was a good yard sale.

- I made $630.
- You... $630?

Mm-hmm. Oh. And, Wade,
this $16 is for you,

- Noah said it was your cut.
- Oh, I broke even.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Hey, Forrest?

What you got there?

These are for you.

- No. You had a change of heart?
- I did.

No, he didn't.

I wouldn't let them back in the house.

This is... I have a thing.

I got a thing.

I... Deels, I got a thing!

- Yeah, you do.
- I got a thing.

- Congrats, Forrest.
- This is so cool. Thank you.

- Oh, man. I'm vinyl guy.
- Okay.

(CHUCKLES) This is beautiful.

- I'm gonna nail it up to the wall.
- Give 'em back!

Ah!

I'll be in the car.