The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): Season 5, Episode 28 - Caesar and Me - full transcript
Ventriloquist Jonathan West isn't having much luck finding a job. He's gone to several auditions but no one taken him on. He's falling behind in his rent and is now getting to the point where he's running out of things to pawn. He has to put up with the taunts of young Susan, the landlady's niece. He's also talking to his dummy, Caesar, who has advice for him on how to get ahead. It's not very good advice however.
YOU UNLOCK THIS DOOR
WITH THE KEY OF IMAGINATION.
BEYOND IT IS
ANOTHER DIMENSION...
A DIMENSION OF SOUND,
A DIMENSION OF SIGHT,
A DIMENSION OF MIND.
YOU'RE MOVING INTO A LAND OF
BOTH SHADOW AND SUBSTANCE,
OF THINGS AND IDEAS.
YOU'VE JUST CROSSED
OVER INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
Man: OH, SURE,
IT'S A NICE WATCH,
BUT I'M SORRY, MR. WEST.
I'M AFRAID THAT THAT'S
ALL I CAN GIVE YOU.
THAT BELONGED TO MY GRANDFATHER.
FIVE DOLLARS, MR. WEST.
NOW, DON'T YOU WORRY.
YOUR LUCK IS BOUND
TO GET BETTER.
OH, SURE, SURE IT WILL.
NOW, LISTEN, I'LL BE COMING BACK
REAL SOON TO CLAIM THAT
SO PLEASE, DON'T SELL IT, HUH?
I'LL DO MY BEST.
THANK YOU.
FOR 30 DAYS, AT LEAST.
MR. WEST.
I'LL, UH... I'LL GIVE
YOU $25 FOR HIM.
OH, THANK YOU, NO.
NO, THANK YOU,
HE'S NOT FOR SALE.
OH, GOOD AFTERNOON, MRS. CUDAHY.
HELLO, MR. WEST.
NUTS.
WHY, SUSAN, I'M WARNING
YOU FOR THE LAST TIME NOW.
YOU STOP PLAYING WITH
THOSE POISON DARTS.
THEY'RE NOT REALLY
POISON, AUNT AGNES,
AND I MISSED HIM ANYWAY.
WANNA BET YOU DIDN'T GET A JOB?
SUSAN. GO OUT AND PLAY.
OH, I AM SO SORRY, MR. WEST.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO
WITH THAT LITTLE GIRL.
THAT'S PERFECTLY ALL
RIGHT, MRS. CUDAHY.
I IMAGINE YOU HAVE
YOUR HANDS FULL.
West: YOU JUST SIT
RIGHT HERE AND RELAX
AND I'LL FIX US SOME DINNER.
A FELLA DESERVES
SOMETHING IN HIS STOMACH
AT THE END OF A TOUGH DAY, HUH?
NOW, THIS OUGHT TO DO IT.
I'LL WARM UP SOME OF THAT
FINE POTATO SOUP I MADE FOR YOU.
AND DON'T YOU WORRY...
WE'LL GET A BOOKING
ANY DAY NOW, YOU AND ME.
WE'RE GOING TO BE HEADLINERS
JUST LIKE YOU AND THAT
OTHER FELLOW USED TO BE.
ONLY I WON'T SKIP
OUT ON YOU LIKE HE DID.
NO, SIR.
THE SHAME OF IT ALL.
ABANDONING YOU FOR SOME WOMAN!
NO, SIR!
IT'S GOING TO BE YOU AND
ME, PAL, TOGETHER FOREVER!
WHY DON'T YOU STOP
KIDDING YOURSELF, BUDDY?
FACE IT, YOU'RE FINISHED.
JONATHAN WEST, VENTRILOQUIST,
A MASTER OF VOICE MANIPULATION.
A MAN, LATE OF IRELAND,
WITH A TALENT FOR PUTTING
WORDS INTO OTHER PEOPLES' MOUTHS.
IN THIS CASE, THE OTHER PERSON
IS A DUMMY APTLY NAMED CAESAR,
A SMALL SPLINTER
WITH LARGE IDEAS,
A WOODEN TYRANT WITH A
MIND AND A VOICE OF HIS OWN
WHO IS ABOUT TO TALK JONATHAN
WEST INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT.
I CAN FEEL IT,
WE'RE GOING TO KNOCK 'EM DEAD.
WAIT TILL THEY HEAR
THE NEW MATERIAL.
OH, HELLO, SUSAN.
SHOW ME HOW YOU MAKE HIM TALK.
OH, I'D LIKE TO, SUSAN,
BUT WE'RE IN A BIG
HURRY RIGHT NOW.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY DOWNTOWN.
WE'VE GOT AN
IMPORTANT APPOINTMENT.
AN AUDITION, AS
A MATTER OF FACT.
JUST DO IT ONCE, JONATHAN.
THE PART WHERE HE LAUGHS.
I WANT TO SEE IF YOUR LIPS MOVE.
ALL RIGHT.
CAESAR, WHAT DID THE LADY SAY
SHE WOULD DO TO YOU
IF YOU EVER MISBEHAVED AGAIN?
Caesar: SHE SAID
SHE'D SLICE ME INTO
A VENETIAN BLIND.
AND YOU REPLIED?
I SAID "OH, YOU
MAKE ME SHUDDER!"
I DIDN'T SEE YOUR LIPS MOVE.
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU DIDN'T.
IF YOU'RE SO GOOD,
THEN HOW COME
YOU CAN'T GET A JOB?
WELL, ALL THAT'S
GOING TO CHANGE,
YOUNG LADY, TONIGHT.
YOU'VE SAID THAT BEFORE.
Woman: SUSAN, WHERE ARE YOU?
GO ON, RUN ALONG.
YOU WON'T GET THE JOB.
HEY, PAL!
KEEP THAT BRAT OUT OF THIS ROOM.
NOW, NOW, DON'T YOU
WORRY ABOUT HER,
MY LOVELY FRIEND.
WE'RE GOING TO KILL 'EM.
CAESAR, THERE'S A MAN OUTSIDE.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
A MAN WITH A WOODEN
LEG NAMED SMITH.
IS THAT SO?
WHAT'S THE NAME
OF HIS OTHER LEG?
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GO THROUGH
THE JUVENILE DELINQUENT ROUTINE?
IT'S REALLY VERY FUNNY.
NO, THAT'LL BE ALL.
JUST LEAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
WE'LL GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU.
MAYBE MR. MILLER HAD A FIGHT
WITH HIS WIFE AT BREAKFAST.
MAYBE HE HEARD YOUR BAD JOKES.
AH, MORNING, MRS. CUDAHY.
IT'S A LOVELY DAY, ISN'T IT?
YES, IT IS, MR. WEST.
I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.
I KNOW, MRS. CUDAHY, I KNOW.
IT'S ABOUT THE RENT.
BUT I'LL HAVE THAT
ALL STRAIGHTENED OUT
BY THIS EVENING.
OH, THAT'LL BE NICE.
YOU SEE, I'M LOOKING FOR A JOB
SOMETHING TILL THE
SHOW BIZ PICKS UP.
WELL, AS YOU'RE IN
THAT FRAME OF MIND
MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU.
NOW, THIS IS MY COUSIN.
HE WORKS AT THAT
EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, MRS. CUDAHY.
MY, YOU ARE A LIVING DARLING!
TYPING?
NO, SIR.
SALESMAN?
NO, SIR.
MECHANIC?
UH... NO.
MR. WEST, HAVE YOU EVER HELD
A POSITION OF ANY SORT?
EVER MADE ANY KIND
OF A REGULAR SALARY?
THAT IS, BESIDES SHOW BUSINESS?
WELL, SIR, UH... YES, I DID.
DOING WHAT, MAY I ASK?
BACK HOME I WORKED
FOR A PUPPETEER
AS HIS APPRENTICE.
APPRENTICE?
YES, SIR, HE TAUGHT ME MY TRADE.
AND I CAME TO YOUR
COUNTRY TO EARN ME FORTUNE.
WELL, THEN YOU'RE
NOT A CITIZEN, MR. WEST?
OH, NO, SIR, NOT
YET, BUT I'M STUDYING
AND I SOON WILL BE.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE YOUR NUMBER.
WE'LL CALL YOU
IF WE GET ANYTHING IN YOUR LINE.
♪ JONATHAN CAN'T FIND A JOB... ♪
SUSAN, WHY DON'T YOU GO FIND
SOMEBODY ELSE TO BOTHER?
THE TRUTH HURTS!
AND YOU'RE TOO
SCARED TO TELL MY AUNT
BECAUSE YOU'RE
BEHIND IN YOUR RENT.
NOW WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT SEEMS NO MATTER
WHAT I TRY, I FAIL.
IF I COULD JUST GET
SOME MONEY TOGETHER...
ENOUGH FOR SOME FOOD
AND TO PAY THE RENT...
I COULD THINK CLEARLY
WITHOUT THESE PRESSURES.
JUST A LITTLE MONEY FOR
FOOD AND RENT, IS THAT IT?
IS THAT ALL YOU
WANT OUT OF LIFE?
I GUESS SO.
YOU'RE A CLOD.
A REAL CLOD.
I TRY, I GIVE IT MY BEST.
YOUR BEST STINKS.
IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN,
CAESAR, I'VE HAD ENOUGH!
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LET ME SPELL OUT THE
COLD, HARD FACTS...
THE WAY IT'S GOING TO BE
AND WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO.
OH, FORGET IT, I'M A FAILURE.
WILL YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN?
THERE'S ALL KINDS OF
WAYS TO GET HOLD OF MONEY.
I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING.
YOU HAVE NOT TRIED EVERYTHING.
NOW, SHUT UP... AND LISTEN.
Caesar: WHERE ARE WE NOW?
WE'RE RIGHT IN FRONT
OF THE FURNITURE STORE.
I DON'T MEAN THAT, STUPID!
I MEAN, HOW FAR ARE WE
FROM THE DELICATESSEN?
PLEASE, NOT SO LOUD!
WHY, IS THERE ANYONE AROUND?
NO, NO, BUT PLEASE, BE QUIET!
TELL ME WHEN WE'RE
IN FRONT OF OUR MARK.
NOW WHAT?
I LOST MY FOOTING,
IT'S VERY DARK.
GOOD, THAT'S A BREAK.
ARE WE ON THE SIDEWALK NOW?
YES.
YES, NOW WE'RE RIGHT IN
FRONT OF THE DELICATESSEN.
IS THE COAST CLEAR?
YES.
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NO ONE AROUND.
OKAY.
THEN STOP WASTING TIME.
MOVE!
31... 32... 33.
THERE YOU ARE, MRS. CUDAHY
ALL PAID UP IN FULL.
WILL WONDERS EVER CEASE?
SHH, SUSAN.
ISN'T IT NICE TO PAY YOUR BILLS?
YES, MA'AM.
BETTER COUNT IT AGAIN, AUNTIE.
SEE IF THEY'RE REAL.
SUSAN, BE A GOOD GIRL
AND GO TIDY UP YOUR ROOM.
AND DON'T BE FRESH TO MR. WEST.
HE HAS A NEW START ON
LIFE, DON'T YOU, MR. WEST?
THAT'S RIGHT, MRS.
CUDAHY, A NEW START.
DON'T LET HER WORRY YOU.
YOU KNOW HOW
CHILDREN ARE THESE DAYS.
OH, I UNDERSTAND.
A COMMON THIEF.
WHAT A WAY TO MAKE A LIVING.
YOU COULDN'T MAKE
IT ANY OTHER WAY.
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME?
WHAT AM I?
Caesar: A NO-TALENT
VENTRILOQUIST.
WORSE.
A SECOND-RATE THIEF.
THIRD-RATE.
STARVING TO DEATH.
IN THE PROFESSION I KNOW
PAYING THE BILLS BY ROBBING
THE NEIGHBORHOOD DELICATESSEN.
WELL, THAT'S SHOW BIZ.
I GUESS I WASN'T TOO BAD
CONSIDERING IT WAS MY
OPENING PERFORMANCE.
LET ME STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT
BEFORE YOU START
TAKING TOO MANY BOWS.
OH, CAESAR, JUST
LET ME ALONE, PLEASE.
NO! LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU.
YOU ACT PENNY ANTE
BECAUSE YOU THINK PENNY ANTE.
THAT'S THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE.
FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE
GOING TO LISTEN TO ME.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET RID OF
THAT SHANTY IRISH ROUTINE.
THIS IS AMERICA.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
OPEN YOUR EYES! LOOK AROUND YOU!
THE STREETS ARE PAVED WITH
GOLD, AND IT'S SITTING OUT THERE
WAITING FOR US.
THINK YOU'RE SMART,
DON'T YOU, MR. STUCK-UP?
JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE ON THE STAGE.
YOU CAN TALK!
I HEARD YOU!
COME ON, SAY SOMETHING.
I DARE YOU.
SUSAN!
WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?
YOU'RE HURTING
ME... I'LL TELL MY AUNT.
DIDN'T SHE TELL YOU TO STAY
OUT OF THE GUEST ROOMS.
NOW WHAT WERE
YOU DOING IN THERE?
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?
YOU BRAT, TELL ME
WHAT YOU WERE DOING.
YOU'RE SO SMART, ASK HIM.
CAESAR.
CAESAR, WHAT HAPPENED?
SIT DOWN.
DID SHE DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU?
NEVER MIND THAT.
FIRST THINGS FIRST.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OF HERE.
I'M SCARED.
MAYBE SHE KNOWS.
THIS IS NO TIME TO GET CHICKEN.
AFTER TONIGHT'S JOB,
WE'LL BE ON EASY STREET.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR
THIS LINE OF WORK.
TAKE IT EASY.
YOU'RE EATING, AREN'T YOU?
YOU'RE PAYING THE RENT.
WHERE WERE YOU BEFORE?
NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
THIS IS THE BIG ONE.
BUT THIS IS THE LAST ONE.
THE END FOR ME.
YEAH, SURE.
SURE IT IS, PAL.
JUST ONE MORE.
THE "REALLY BIG SHOE."
IT'S ALL RIGHT SO FAR.
THERE'S NO ONE AROUND.
Caesar: THEN GET MOVING.
UP TO THE FRONT OFFICE.
Caesar: IT'S ONLY THE MICE.
GET GOING BEFORE THEY ATTACK US.
AND STOP SHAKING.
Caesar: HURRY UP.
YOU GOT THE WIRE?
YES.
REMEMBER, IF THE
WATCHMAN COMES AROUND,
JUST STAY AS CALM AS YOU CAN
AND EXPLAIN YOU WERE
LOOKING FOR MR. MILLER;
THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO MEET HIM HERE.
SLOWLY NOW.
IT'LL WORK.
SUPPOSE IT DOESN'T.
SUPPOSING I CAN'T OPEN IT.
YOU OPENED THE
BACK DOOR, DIDN'T YOU?
NOW, STOP WHINING.
DO YOU WANT TO BE POOR AGAIN?
IT CLICKED.
OPEN IT, STUPID.
HOLD IT OUT THERE!
WHO IS IT?
JONATHAN WEST, SIR,
THE VENTRILOQUIST.
MR. MILLER TOLD ME TO
MEET HIM AFTER CLOSING.
OH, YEAH?
YES, SIR.
HAVE YOU MET CAESAR, SIR?
CAESAR, CAN YOU SAY HELLO TO
THE NICE GENTLEMAN FROM IN THERE?
Caesar: WHAT ARE
YOU, THE HOUSE DICK?
NO, I'M THE NIGHT WATCHMAN.
Caesar: LISTEN, WITH
THE JOB YOU'RE DOING
IT'S A WONDER THE MICE
HAVEN'T HEISTED THE JOINT.
CAESAR, THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
I'M AFRAID HE'S A BORN COMIC.
SURE, I REMEMBER YOU
NOW FROM THE OTHER DAY.
YOU WERE AUDITIONING.
MR. MILLER WENT HOME.
HE LEFT ABOUT 45 MINUTES AGO.
REALLY? I'M SORRY.
Caesar: YOU SHOULD
HAVE CAUGHT OUR ACT.
WE'RE VERY BIG IN DUBLIN.
NEVER MIND, CAESAR.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.
I WON'T BE KEEPING YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.
West: I'D FEEL BETTER
IF THE WATCHMAN HADN'T SEEN US.
Caesar: STOP WORRYING.
I'LL COVER FOR YOU.
I'M YOUR ALIBI.
West: BUT IF THAT
WATCHMAN REPORTS ME...
Caesar: NOT YOU,
PAL... US. WE'RE A TEAM.
West: SURE, SURE, I KNOW THAT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT
THAT NIGHT WATCHMAN?
Caesar: FORGET THE WATCHMAN.
SHUT UP, GO TO BED.
Cudahy: "THE CARIOCA
CLUB ROBBED LAST NIGHT.
"MANAGER'S OFFICE LOOTED.
"NIGHT WATCHMAN
PROVIDING POLICE WITH CLUE."
POLICE DEPARTMENT, PLEASE.
I KNOW WHO ROBBED THE
CARIOCA CLUB LAST NIGHT.
KINDA EARLY IN THE DAY
TO BE HITTING THE
JUICE, AIN'T IT, DILLINGER?
YOU LIKE A ROOF OVER
YOUR HEAD, DON'T YOU?
NOW DON'T GIVE ME YOUR
COMMON THIEF ROUTINE AGAIN, HUH?
A MAN HAS TO LIVE WITH HIMSELF.
EVEN IF HE LIVES IN THE GUTTER.
OH, MR. WEST, THESE
TWO GENTLEMEN,
THEY'RE FROM THE
POLICE DEPARTMENT
AND THEY WANT A WORD WITH YOU.
WHY, CERTAINLY.
WON'T YOU COME IN PLEASE?
WHAT COULD I DO
FOR YOU, GENTLEMEN?
WELL, YOU SEE... THANK
YOU, MRS. CUDAHY.
MR. WEST, I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU
A FEW QUESTIONS.
MRS. CUDAHY, COULD YOU WAIT?
YOU MAY BE OF SOME HELP.
OH, OF COURSE.
MR. WEST IS ONE OF
MY FAVORITE BOARDERS.
I'D ASK YOU TO SIT
DOWN, GENTLEMEN,
BUT I DON'T HAVE MANY CHAIRS.
IT'S JUST A ROOM FOR ONE.
ME AND MY FRIEND, THAT IS.
BUT IT SUITS ME JUST FINE.
MR. WEST, WHERE
WERE YOU LAST NIGHT
AT AROUND MIDNIGHT?
HE WAS AT HOME, I'M SURE.
HE SELDOM GOES OUT AT NIGHT.
I SELDOM GO OUT AT NIGHT.
MR. WEST, THE DESK SERGEANT
RECEIVED AN ANONYMOUS PHONE CALL
INDICATING YOU WERE
NOT IN YOUR ROOM.
WE'RE ALMOST
ALWAYS HERE AT NIGHT.
YOU DIDN'T GO TO THE CARIOCA
LOOKING FOR ANYONE?
THE NIGHT CLUB?
OH.
OH, THAT NIGHT CLUB.
THAT'S A PLACE WHERE WE
MIGHT BE WORKING SOON.
BECAUSE THE NIGHT WATCHMAN SAID
THAT HE SAW YOU
THERE... ABSOLUTELY.
OH, LAST NIGHT, YOU SAY.
WELL, LET ME THINK NOW.
CAESAR AND I HAD DINNER AND...
TELL THEM, CAESAR.
CAESAR, PLEASE, TELL THEM.
TELL THEM I WOULDN'T
HURT ANYONE.
I MEAN, I DIDN'T USE A
GUN OR ANYTHING, DID I?
PLEASE, CAESAR, TELL THEM HOW
WE WERE GOING TO PLAY THE BIG TIME.
WE'RE A TEAM, YOU SEE.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, DO YOU?
WELL, YOU JUST ASK HIM.
YOU ASK CAESAR.
GO ON, TELL THEM.
TELL THEM, CAESAR.
TELL THEM HOW YOU WERE
ONLY TRYING TO HELP ME...
TO TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF.
I TRIED TO FIND A
JOB AND I COULDN'T.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
YOU WERE TRYING TO
HELP ME... TELL THEM.
THE BILLS WERE PILING UP,
THERE WAS NO FOOD TO EAT,
THE RENT WAS OVERDUE AND
YOU WERE TRYING TO HELP ME.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, CAESAR?
PLEASE TELL THEM, CAESAR.
TELL THEM THAT YOU WERE
JUST TRYING TO HELP ME
AND THAT I'M NOT A
COMMON THIEF, CAESAR.
PLEASE, CAESAR.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS US.
OH, CAESAR.
HE SAID WE WERE A TEAM.
MR. WEST, YOU BETTER
COME ALONG WITH US NOW.
SUCH A NICE MAN.
HE'S A NO-GOOD CROOK.
Caesar: PSST.
HEY, YOU.
YEAH, YOU.
COME OVER HERE, HONEY.
I KNOW YOU FINKED ON HIM.
YOU'RE A HIP LITTLE KID.
I LIKE YOU.
I KNEW YOU TALKED.
I KNEW IT.
I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
YOU'RE NOT HAPPY LIVING HERE
WITH YOUR CRUMMY AUNT, ARE YOU?
THAT'S A STUPID QUESTION.
YOU'D PROBABLY LIKE TO RUN
AWAY FROM THIS FLEA TRAP.
I SURE WOULD.
OKAY... IT'S YOU AND ME, KID.
WE'RE A TEAM.
IS MR. WEST GOING TO JAIL?
HONEY, HE'LL BE GONE
A LONG, LONG TIME.
I KNOW WHERE HE'S
GOT THE MONEY HIDDEN.
WE'LL GO TO NEW YORK.
I'LL SHOW YOU THE BRIGHT LIGHTS.
WHAT ABOUT MY AUNT?
HONEY... YOU STILL GOT
THOSE POISON DARTS?
A LITTLE GIRL AND A WOODEN DOLL,
A LETHAL DUMMY IN
THE SHAPE OF A MAN.
BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS
DUMMIES CAN'T TALK...
UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY
LEARN THEIR VOCABULARY
IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
AND NOW, MR. SERLING.
NEXT TIME OUT, YOU'LL SHARE A
STUDY IN DEPTH OF HUMAN TERROR
WITH MARTIN LANDAU
AND JOHN VAN DREELEN.
YOU'LL STAY IN A HOTEL
ROOM OF A EUROPEAN CITY
WHICH HAS BEEN BOOBY-TRAPPED
WITH A PLASTIC BOMB.
YOU'LL WALK AROUND THIS ROOM
WITH VIOLENT DEATH
RESTING ON YOUR SHOULDER.
IT COULD BE ANYWHERE... A
PICTURE, A CHAIR, A FAUCET,
OR SIMPLY THE CARPET
YOU'RE WALKING ON.
NEXT TIME OUT ON
THE TWILIGHT ZONE,
"THE JEOPARDY ROOM."
WITH THE KEY OF IMAGINATION.
BEYOND IT IS
ANOTHER DIMENSION...
A DIMENSION OF SOUND,
A DIMENSION OF SIGHT,
A DIMENSION OF MIND.
YOU'RE MOVING INTO A LAND OF
BOTH SHADOW AND SUBSTANCE,
OF THINGS AND IDEAS.
YOU'VE JUST CROSSED
OVER INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
Man: OH, SURE,
IT'S A NICE WATCH,
BUT I'M SORRY, MR. WEST.
I'M AFRAID THAT THAT'S
ALL I CAN GIVE YOU.
THAT BELONGED TO MY GRANDFATHER.
FIVE DOLLARS, MR. WEST.
NOW, DON'T YOU WORRY.
YOUR LUCK IS BOUND
TO GET BETTER.
OH, SURE, SURE IT WILL.
NOW, LISTEN, I'LL BE COMING BACK
REAL SOON TO CLAIM THAT
SO PLEASE, DON'T SELL IT, HUH?
I'LL DO MY BEST.
THANK YOU.
FOR 30 DAYS, AT LEAST.
MR. WEST.
I'LL, UH... I'LL GIVE
YOU $25 FOR HIM.
OH, THANK YOU, NO.
NO, THANK YOU,
HE'S NOT FOR SALE.
OH, GOOD AFTERNOON, MRS. CUDAHY.
HELLO, MR. WEST.
NUTS.
WHY, SUSAN, I'M WARNING
YOU FOR THE LAST TIME NOW.
YOU STOP PLAYING WITH
THOSE POISON DARTS.
THEY'RE NOT REALLY
POISON, AUNT AGNES,
AND I MISSED HIM ANYWAY.
WANNA BET YOU DIDN'T GET A JOB?
SUSAN. GO OUT AND PLAY.
OH, I AM SO SORRY, MR. WEST.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO
WITH THAT LITTLE GIRL.
THAT'S PERFECTLY ALL
RIGHT, MRS. CUDAHY.
I IMAGINE YOU HAVE
YOUR HANDS FULL.
West: YOU JUST SIT
RIGHT HERE AND RELAX
AND I'LL FIX US SOME DINNER.
A FELLA DESERVES
SOMETHING IN HIS STOMACH
AT THE END OF A TOUGH DAY, HUH?
NOW, THIS OUGHT TO DO IT.
I'LL WARM UP SOME OF THAT
FINE POTATO SOUP I MADE FOR YOU.
AND DON'T YOU WORRY...
WE'LL GET A BOOKING
ANY DAY NOW, YOU AND ME.
WE'RE GOING TO BE HEADLINERS
JUST LIKE YOU AND THAT
OTHER FELLOW USED TO BE.
ONLY I WON'T SKIP
OUT ON YOU LIKE HE DID.
NO, SIR.
THE SHAME OF IT ALL.
ABANDONING YOU FOR SOME WOMAN!
NO, SIR!
IT'S GOING TO BE YOU AND
ME, PAL, TOGETHER FOREVER!
WHY DON'T YOU STOP
KIDDING YOURSELF, BUDDY?
FACE IT, YOU'RE FINISHED.
JONATHAN WEST, VENTRILOQUIST,
A MASTER OF VOICE MANIPULATION.
A MAN, LATE OF IRELAND,
WITH A TALENT FOR PUTTING
WORDS INTO OTHER PEOPLES' MOUTHS.
IN THIS CASE, THE OTHER PERSON
IS A DUMMY APTLY NAMED CAESAR,
A SMALL SPLINTER
WITH LARGE IDEAS,
A WOODEN TYRANT WITH A
MIND AND A VOICE OF HIS OWN
WHO IS ABOUT TO TALK JONATHAN
WEST INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT.
I CAN FEEL IT,
WE'RE GOING TO KNOCK 'EM DEAD.
WAIT TILL THEY HEAR
THE NEW MATERIAL.
OH, HELLO, SUSAN.
SHOW ME HOW YOU MAKE HIM TALK.
OH, I'D LIKE TO, SUSAN,
BUT WE'RE IN A BIG
HURRY RIGHT NOW.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY DOWNTOWN.
WE'VE GOT AN
IMPORTANT APPOINTMENT.
AN AUDITION, AS
A MATTER OF FACT.
JUST DO IT ONCE, JONATHAN.
THE PART WHERE HE LAUGHS.
I WANT TO SEE IF YOUR LIPS MOVE.
ALL RIGHT.
CAESAR, WHAT DID THE LADY SAY
SHE WOULD DO TO YOU
IF YOU EVER MISBEHAVED AGAIN?
Caesar: SHE SAID
SHE'D SLICE ME INTO
A VENETIAN BLIND.
AND YOU REPLIED?
I SAID "OH, YOU
MAKE ME SHUDDER!"
I DIDN'T SEE YOUR LIPS MOVE.
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU DIDN'T.
IF YOU'RE SO GOOD,
THEN HOW COME
YOU CAN'T GET A JOB?
WELL, ALL THAT'S
GOING TO CHANGE,
YOUNG LADY, TONIGHT.
YOU'VE SAID THAT BEFORE.
Woman: SUSAN, WHERE ARE YOU?
GO ON, RUN ALONG.
YOU WON'T GET THE JOB.
HEY, PAL!
KEEP THAT BRAT OUT OF THIS ROOM.
NOW, NOW, DON'T YOU
WORRY ABOUT HER,
MY LOVELY FRIEND.
WE'RE GOING TO KILL 'EM.
CAESAR, THERE'S A MAN OUTSIDE.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
A MAN WITH A WOODEN
LEG NAMED SMITH.
IS THAT SO?
WHAT'S THE NAME
OF HIS OTHER LEG?
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GO THROUGH
THE JUVENILE DELINQUENT ROUTINE?
IT'S REALLY VERY FUNNY.
NO, THAT'LL BE ALL.
JUST LEAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
WE'LL GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU.
MAYBE MR. MILLER HAD A FIGHT
WITH HIS WIFE AT BREAKFAST.
MAYBE HE HEARD YOUR BAD JOKES.
AH, MORNING, MRS. CUDAHY.
IT'S A LOVELY DAY, ISN'T IT?
YES, IT IS, MR. WEST.
I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU.
I KNOW, MRS. CUDAHY, I KNOW.
IT'S ABOUT THE RENT.
BUT I'LL HAVE THAT
ALL STRAIGHTENED OUT
BY THIS EVENING.
OH, THAT'LL BE NICE.
YOU SEE, I'M LOOKING FOR A JOB
SOMETHING TILL THE
SHOW BIZ PICKS UP.
WELL, AS YOU'RE IN
THAT FRAME OF MIND
MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU.
NOW, THIS IS MY COUSIN.
HE WORKS AT THAT
EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, MRS. CUDAHY.
MY, YOU ARE A LIVING DARLING!
TYPING?
NO, SIR.
SALESMAN?
NO, SIR.
MECHANIC?
UH... NO.
MR. WEST, HAVE YOU EVER HELD
A POSITION OF ANY SORT?
EVER MADE ANY KIND
OF A REGULAR SALARY?
THAT IS, BESIDES SHOW BUSINESS?
WELL, SIR, UH... YES, I DID.
DOING WHAT, MAY I ASK?
BACK HOME I WORKED
FOR A PUPPETEER
AS HIS APPRENTICE.
APPRENTICE?
YES, SIR, HE TAUGHT ME MY TRADE.
AND I CAME TO YOUR
COUNTRY TO EARN ME FORTUNE.
WELL, THEN YOU'RE
NOT A CITIZEN, MR. WEST?
OH, NO, SIR, NOT
YET, BUT I'M STUDYING
AND I SOON WILL BE.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE YOUR NUMBER.
WE'LL CALL YOU
IF WE GET ANYTHING IN YOUR LINE.
♪ JONATHAN CAN'T FIND A JOB... ♪
SUSAN, WHY DON'T YOU GO FIND
SOMEBODY ELSE TO BOTHER?
THE TRUTH HURTS!
AND YOU'RE TOO
SCARED TO TELL MY AUNT
BECAUSE YOU'RE
BEHIND IN YOUR RENT.
NOW WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
IT SEEMS NO MATTER
WHAT I TRY, I FAIL.
IF I COULD JUST GET
SOME MONEY TOGETHER...
ENOUGH FOR SOME FOOD
AND TO PAY THE RENT...
I COULD THINK CLEARLY
WITHOUT THESE PRESSURES.
JUST A LITTLE MONEY FOR
FOOD AND RENT, IS THAT IT?
IS THAT ALL YOU
WANT OUT OF LIFE?
I GUESS SO.
YOU'RE A CLOD.
A REAL CLOD.
I TRY, I GIVE IT MY BEST.
YOUR BEST STINKS.
IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN,
CAESAR, I'VE HAD ENOUGH!
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LET ME SPELL OUT THE
COLD, HARD FACTS...
THE WAY IT'S GOING TO BE
AND WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO.
OH, FORGET IT, I'M A FAILURE.
WILL YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN?
THERE'S ALL KINDS OF
WAYS TO GET HOLD OF MONEY.
I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING.
YOU HAVE NOT TRIED EVERYTHING.
NOW, SHUT UP... AND LISTEN.
Caesar: WHERE ARE WE NOW?
WE'RE RIGHT IN FRONT
OF THE FURNITURE STORE.
I DON'T MEAN THAT, STUPID!
I MEAN, HOW FAR ARE WE
FROM THE DELICATESSEN?
PLEASE, NOT SO LOUD!
WHY, IS THERE ANYONE AROUND?
NO, NO, BUT PLEASE, BE QUIET!
TELL ME WHEN WE'RE
IN FRONT OF OUR MARK.
NOW WHAT?
I LOST MY FOOTING,
IT'S VERY DARK.
GOOD, THAT'S A BREAK.
ARE WE ON THE SIDEWALK NOW?
YES.
YES, NOW WE'RE RIGHT IN
FRONT OF THE DELICATESSEN.
IS THE COAST CLEAR?
YES.
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NO ONE AROUND.
OKAY.
THEN STOP WASTING TIME.
MOVE!
31... 32... 33.
THERE YOU ARE, MRS. CUDAHY
ALL PAID UP IN FULL.
WILL WONDERS EVER CEASE?
SHH, SUSAN.
ISN'T IT NICE TO PAY YOUR BILLS?
YES, MA'AM.
BETTER COUNT IT AGAIN, AUNTIE.
SEE IF THEY'RE REAL.
SUSAN, BE A GOOD GIRL
AND GO TIDY UP YOUR ROOM.
AND DON'T BE FRESH TO MR. WEST.
HE HAS A NEW START ON
LIFE, DON'T YOU, MR. WEST?
THAT'S RIGHT, MRS.
CUDAHY, A NEW START.
DON'T LET HER WORRY YOU.
YOU KNOW HOW
CHILDREN ARE THESE DAYS.
OH, I UNDERSTAND.
A COMMON THIEF.
WHAT A WAY TO MAKE A LIVING.
YOU COULDN'T MAKE
IT ANY OTHER WAY.
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME?
WHAT AM I?
Caesar: A NO-TALENT
VENTRILOQUIST.
WORSE.
A SECOND-RATE THIEF.
THIRD-RATE.
STARVING TO DEATH.
IN THE PROFESSION I KNOW
PAYING THE BILLS BY ROBBING
THE NEIGHBORHOOD DELICATESSEN.
WELL, THAT'S SHOW BIZ.
I GUESS I WASN'T TOO BAD
CONSIDERING IT WAS MY
OPENING PERFORMANCE.
LET ME STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT
BEFORE YOU START
TAKING TOO MANY BOWS.
OH, CAESAR, JUST
LET ME ALONE, PLEASE.
NO! LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU.
YOU ACT PENNY ANTE
BECAUSE YOU THINK PENNY ANTE.
THAT'S THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE.
FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE
GOING TO LISTEN TO ME.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET RID OF
THAT SHANTY IRISH ROUTINE.
THIS IS AMERICA.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
OPEN YOUR EYES! LOOK AROUND YOU!
THE STREETS ARE PAVED WITH
GOLD, AND IT'S SITTING OUT THERE
WAITING FOR US.
THINK YOU'RE SMART,
DON'T YOU, MR. STUCK-UP?
JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE ON THE STAGE.
YOU CAN TALK!
I HEARD YOU!
COME ON, SAY SOMETHING.
I DARE YOU.
SUSAN!
WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?
YOU'RE HURTING
ME... I'LL TELL MY AUNT.
DIDN'T SHE TELL YOU TO STAY
OUT OF THE GUEST ROOMS.
NOW WHAT WERE
YOU DOING IN THERE?
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?
YOU BRAT, TELL ME
WHAT YOU WERE DOING.
YOU'RE SO SMART, ASK HIM.
CAESAR.
CAESAR, WHAT HAPPENED?
SIT DOWN.
DID SHE DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU?
NEVER MIND THAT.
FIRST THINGS FIRST.
WE'VE GOT TO GET OF HERE.
I'M SCARED.
MAYBE SHE KNOWS.
THIS IS NO TIME TO GET CHICKEN.
AFTER TONIGHT'S JOB,
WE'LL BE ON EASY STREET.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR
THIS LINE OF WORK.
TAKE IT EASY.
YOU'RE EATING, AREN'T YOU?
YOU'RE PAYING THE RENT.
WHERE WERE YOU BEFORE?
NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
THIS IS THE BIG ONE.
BUT THIS IS THE LAST ONE.
THE END FOR ME.
YEAH, SURE.
SURE IT IS, PAL.
JUST ONE MORE.
THE "REALLY BIG SHOE."
IT'S ALL RIGHT SO FAR.
THERE'S NO ONE AROUND.
Caesar: THEN GET MOVING.
UP TO THE FRONT OFFICE.
Caesar: IT'S ONLY THE MICE.
GET GOING BEFORE THEY ATTACK US.
AND STOP SHAKING.
Caesar: HURRY UP.
YOU GOT THE WIRE?
YES.
REMEMBER, IF THE
WATCHMAN COMES AROUND,
JUST STAY AS CALM AS YOU CAN
AND EXPLAIN YOU WERE
LOOKING FOR MR. MILLER;
THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO MEET HIM HERE.
SLOWLY NOW.
IT'LL WORK.
SUPPOSE IT DOESN'T.
SUPPOSING I CAN'T OPEN IT.
YOU OPENED THE
BACK DOOR, DIDN'T YOU?
NOW, STOP WHINING.
DO YOU WANT TO BE POOR AGAIN?
IT CLICKED.
OPEN IT, STUPID.
HOLD IT OUT THERE!
WHO IS IT?
JONATHAN WEST, SIR,
THE VENTRILOQUIST.
MR. MILLER TOLD ME TO
MEET HIM AFTER CLOSING.
OH, YEAH?
YES, SIR.
HAVE YOU MET CAESAR, SIR?
CAESAR, CAN YOU SAY HELLO TO
THE NICE GENTLEMAN FROM IN THERE?
Caesar: WHAT ARE
YOU, THE HOUSE DICK?
NO, I'M THE NIGHT WATCHMAN.
Caesar: LISTEN, WITH
THE JOB YOU'RE DOING
IT'S A WONDER THE MICE
HAVEN'T HEISTED THE JOINT.
CAESAR, THAT'S ENOUGH.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
I'M AFRAID HE'S A BORN COMIC.
SURE, I REMEMBER YOU
NOW FROM THE OTHER DAY.
YOU WERE AUDITIONING.
MR. MILLER WENT HOME.
HE LEFT ABOUT 45 MINUTES AGO.
REALLY? I'M SORRY.
Caesar: YOU SHOULD
HAVE CAUGHT OUR ACT.
WE'RE VERY BIG IN DUBLIN.
NEVER MIND, CAESAR.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.
I WON'T BE KEEPING YOU.
GOOD NIGHT.
West: I'D FEEL BETTER
IF THE WATCHMAN HADN'T SEEN US.
Caesar: STOP WORRYING.
I'LL COVER FOR YOU.
I'M YOUR ALIBI.
West: BUT IF THAT
WATCHMAN REPORTS ME...
Caesar: NOT YOU,
PAL... US. WE'RE A TEAM.
West: SURE, SURE, I KNOW THAT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT
THAT NIGHT WATCHMAN?
Caesar: FORGET THE WATCHMAN.
SHUT UP, GO TO BED.
Cudahy: "THE CARIOCA
CLUB ROBBED LAST NIGHT.
"MANAGER'S OFFICE LOOTED.
"NIGHT WATCHMAN
PROVIDING POLICE WITH CLUE."
POLICE DEPARTMENT, PLEASE.
I KNOW WHO ROBBED THE
CARIOCA CLUB LAST NIGHT.
KINDA EARLY IN THE DAY
TO BE HITTING THE
JUICE, AIN'T IT, DILLINGER?
YOU LIKE A ROOF OVER
YOUR HEAD, DON'T YOU?
NOW DON'T GIVE ME YOUR
COMMON THIEF ROUTINE AGAIN, HUH?
A MAN HAS TO LIVE WITH HIMSELF.
EVEN IF HE LIVES IN THE GUTTER.
OH, MR. WEST, THESE
TWO GENTLEMEN,
THEY'RE FROM THE
POLICE DEPARTMENT
AND THEY WANT A WORD WITH YOU.
WHY, CERTAINLY.
WON'T YOU COME IN PLEASE?
WHAT COULD I DO
FOR YOU, GENTLEMEN?
WELL, YOU SEE... THANK
YOU, MRS. CUDAHY.
MR. WEST, I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU
A FEW QUESTIONS.
MRS. CUDAHY, COULD YOU WAIT?
YOU MAY BE OF SOME HELP.
OH, OF COURSE.
MR. WEST IS ONE OF
MY FAVORITE BOARDERS.
I'D ASK YOU TO SIT
DOWN, GENTLEMEN,
BUT I DON'T HAVE MANY CHAIRS.
IT'S JUST A ROOM FOR ONE.
ME AND MY FRIEND, THAT IS.
BUT IT SUITS ME JUST FINE.
MR. WEST, WHERE
WERE YOU LAST NIGHT
AT AROUND MIDNIGHT?
HE WAS AT HOME, I'M SURE.
HE SELDOM GOES OUT AT NIGHT.
I SELDOM GO OUT AT NIGHT.
MR. WEST, THE DESK SERGEANT
RECEIVED AN ANONYMOUS PHONE CALL
INDICATING YOU WERE
NOT IN YOUR ROOM.
WE'RE ALMOST
ALWAYS HERE AT NIGHT.
YOU DIDN'T GO TO THE CARIOCA
LOOKING FOR ANYONE?
THE NIGHT CLUB?
OH.
OH, THAT NIGHT CLUB.
THAT'S A PLACE WHERE WE
MIGHT BE WORKING SOON.
BECAUSE THE NIGHT WATCHMAN SAID
THAT HE SAW YOU
THERE... ABSOLUTELY.
OH, LAST NIGHT, YOU SAY.
WELL, LET ME THINK NOW.
CAESAR AND I HAD DINNER AND...
TELL THEM, CAESAR.
CAESAR, PLEASE, TELL THEM.
TELL THEM I WOULDN'T
HURT ANYONE.
I MEAN, I DIDN'T USE A
GUN OR ANYTHING, DID I?
PLEASE, CAESAR, TELL THEM HOW
WE WERE GOING TO PLAY THE BIG TIME.
WE'RE A TEAM, YOU SEE.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, DO YOU?
WELL, YOU JUST ASK HIM.
YOU ASK CAESAR.
GO ON, TELL THEM.
TELL THEM, CAESAR.
TELL THEM HOW YOU WERE
ONLY TRYING TO HELP ME...
TO TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF.
I TRIED TO FIND A
JOB AND I COULDN'T.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
YOU WERE TRYING TO
HELP ME... TELL THEM.
THE BILLS WERE PILING UP,
THERE WAS NO FOOD TO EAT,
THE RENT WAS OVERDUE AND
YOU WERE TRYING TO HELP ME.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, CAESAR?
PLEASE TELL THEM, CAESAR.
TELL THEM THAT YOU WERE
JUST TRYING TO HELP ME
AND THAT I'M NOT A
COMMON THIEF, CAESAR.
PLEASE, CAESAR.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS US.
OH, CAESAR.
HE SAID WE WERE A TEAM.
MR. WEST, YOU BETTER
COME ALONG WITH US NOW.
SUCH A NICE MAN.
HE'S A NO-GOOD CROOK.
Caesar: PSST.
HEY, YOU.
YEAH, YOU.
COME OVER HERE, HONEY.
I KNOW YOU FINKED ON HIM.
YOU'RE A HIP LITTLE KID.
I LIKE YOU.
I KNEW YOU TALKED.
I KNEW IT.
I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.
YOU'RE NOT HAPPY LIVING HERE
WITH YOUR CRUMMY AUNT, ARE YOU?
THAT'S A STUPID QUESTION.
YOU'D PROBABLY LIKE TO RUN
AWAY FROM THIS FLEA TRAP.
I SURE WOULD.
OKAY... IT'S YOU AND ME, KID.
WE'RE A TEAM.
IS MR. WEST GOING TO JAIL?
HONEY, HE'LL BE GONE
A LONG, LONG TIME.
I KNOW WHERE HE'S
GOT THE MONEY HIDDEN.
WE'LL GO TO NEW YORK.
I'LL SHOW YOU THE BRIGHT LIGHTS.
WHAT ABOUT MY AUNT?
HONEY... YOU STILL GOT
THOSE POISON DARTS?
A LITTLE GIRL AND A WOODEN DOLL,
A LETHAL DUMMY IN
THE SHAPE OF A MAN.
BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS
DUMMIES CAN'T TALK...
UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY
LEARN THEIR VOCABULARY
IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
AND NOW, MR. SERLING.
NEXT TIME OUT, YOU'LL SHARE A
STUDY IN DEPTH OF HUMAN TERROR
WITH MARTIN LANDAU
AND JOHN VAN DREELEN.
YOU'LL STAY IN A HOTEL
ROOM OF A EUROPEAN CITY
WHICH HAS BEEN BOOBY-TRAPPED
WITH A PLASTIC BOMB.
YOU'LL WALK AROUND THIS ROOM
WITH VIOLENT DEATH
RESTING ON YOUR SHOULDER.
IT COULD BE ANYWHERE... A
PICTURE, A CHAIR, A FAUCET,
OR SIMPLY THE CARPET
YOU'RE WALKING ON.
NEXT TIME OUT ON
THE TWILIGHT ZONE,
"THE JEOPARDY ROOM."