The Twilight Zone (1959–1964): Season 5, Episode 27 - Sounds and Silences - full transcript
Rosswell G. Flemington owns a model ship company and loves everything nautical. That's not his problem however: he likes everything to be loud. He speaks at the top of his lungs, bellowing commands to his staff. He plays his phonograph records - his favorites include the sound of jets flying off the deck of the USS Hornet - as loud as possible, something that leads his wife to leave him. He's not prepared for what happens to him in the Twilight Zone however.
YOU UNLOCK THIS DOOR
WITH THE KEY OF IMAGINATION.
BEYOND IT IS
ANOTHER DIMENSION...
A DIMENSION OF SOUND,
A DIMENSION OF SIGHT,
A DIMENSION OF MIND.
YOU'RE MOVING INTO A LAND OF
BOTH SHADOW AND SUBSTANCE,
OF THINGS AND IDEAS.
YOU'VE JUST CROSSED
OVER INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
LET'S GET WITH IT, CONKLIN!
A TIGHT OFFICE
IS A HAPPY OFFICE.
IDLE HANDS MAKE FOR AN
UNPRODUCTIVE POOP DECK.
BELAY THAT, MISS ABERNATHY.
EXTRANEOUS ACTIVITY IS
NOTHING MORE NOR LESS
THAN SLOPPY SEAMANSHIP,
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.
YOU THERE, FENSTERMACHER!
LET'S KEEP AN EVEN KEEL THERE,
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.
LET'S KEEP AN EVEN
KEEL THERE, MAN.
TO ALL OF YOU...
BEAR IN MIND THAT WE
MUST ALL OF US GO AFT,
CLIMB UP THE OLD MAST AND,
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,
SET OUR SIGHTS TO
A DISTANT HORIZON.
TIGHT SHIP! A HAPPY SHIP!
DAMN THE TORPEDOES
OF COMPETITION
AND FULL SPEED AHEAD!
Woman: WELL SHOT, MR. CONKLIN.
RIGHT BETWEEN CAPTAIN
BLIGH'S EYEBALLS.
HE'S AN EXCEPTIONAL VOICE;
MY EARS ARE STILL RINGING.
YOU KNOW, THAT FAT BOY
IS HEADED FOR MUTINY?
WHERE WOULD YOU FIND A PLANK
HEAVY ENOUGH TO HOLD HIM?
WHEN I THINK OF
ALL THE KAMIKAZES
THEY THREW AT US DURING THE WAR,
WOULDN'T YOU THINK JUST
ONE WOULD HAVE HIT HIM?
ONE OF THESE DAYS...
ONE OF THESE
DAYS, ALL THAT NOISE
IS GOING TO COME
BACK AND BITE HIM.
I HOPE I'M AROUND
TO SEE IT HAPPEN.
THIS IS ROSWELL G. FLEMINGTON...
220 POUNDS OF GRISTLE, LUNG
TISSUE AND SOUND DECIBELS.
HE IS, AS YOU HAVE
PERCEIVED, A NOISY MAN;
ONE OF A BREED WHO SUBSTITUTES
VOLUME FOR SUBSTANCE,
SOUND FOR SIGNIFICANCE,
AND SHOUTING TO COVER UP THE
READILY APPARENT PHENOMENA
THAT HE IS NOTHING MORE
THAN AN OVERWEIGHT AND
AGING PERENNIAL SEA SCOUT
WHOSE NOISEMAKING
IS IN INVERSE RATIO
TO HIS COMPETENCE
AND TO HIS CHARACTER.
BUT SOON, OUR WOULD-BE
ADMIRAL OF THE FLEET
WILL EMBARK ON ANOTHER VOYAGE.
THIS ONE IS AN UNCHARTERED
AND TWISTING STREAM
THAT HEADS FOR A DISTANT
PORT CALLED... THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
HELLO?
HELLO?!
WHO?
OH, JUST A MOMENT.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
PLEASE.
ROSWELL! ROSWELL!
COULD YOU TURN THAT
DOWN JUST A LITTLE BIT?
I CAN'T HEAR A THING
ON THE TELEPHONE!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, MADAM?
COLLECTOR'S ITEM.
THE ACTUAL SOUNDS OF
THE BATTLESHIP MISSOURI
BOMBARDING OKINAWA!
BUT I CAN'T HEAR
WHO'S ON THE PHONE!
LAY ON, GENTLEMEN, AND
LET 'EM KNOW WHAT'S WHAT!
FIRE AT WILL!
AND BY THE GOOD LORD HARRY,
WE'LL SHOW THEM HOW THE
NAVY TREATS AGGRESSION!
AND THAT, MADAM, WAS AN
ACT OF UTTER ABOMINATION
AND THE MOST CALLOUS VANDALISM.
MAY I REMIND YOU
THAT THOSE WERE
THE ACTUAL SOUNDS
OF THE BATTLESHIP MISSOURI
BOMBARDING OKINAWA?!
AND THERE WERE ONLY 100
SUCH RECORDS IN EXISTENCE.
NOW THERE ARE ONLY 99.
WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, MADAM,
IS AN ACT OF DESECRATION
NOT UNLIKE THE DEFACING OF
A STATUE OF JOHN PAUL JONES.
WHAT ARE YOU, MADAM,
SOME SORT OF A FANATIC?
ROSWELL, WE'VE
HAD THIS OUT BEFORE.
WHAT WAS ONCE AN
IDIOSYNCRACY OF YOURS
IS NOW AN OBSESSION.
THIS-THIS INSISTENCE
ON BLARING NOISES
AND RUNNING A HOUSEHOLD
LIKE IT WAS A DESTROYER
ESCORT ON CONVOY DUTY...
THE COMBINATION HAS NOW
BECOME QUITE IMPOSSIBLE,
AND I CAN'T LIVE WITH IT.
STAND, MADAM!
OH, KNOCK IT OFF, ROSWELL.
YOU ARE AN INSUFFERABLE,
NOISY CLOWN,
BUT YOU ARE NOT STUPID!
I HAVE HAD YOU UP TO HERE,
AND MY EARS HAVE HAD YOU,
AND MY STOMACH
LINING HAS HAD YOU,
AND WHATEVER PART OF THE BRAIN
THAT KEEPS A PERSON BALANCED...
THAT'S HAD YOU, TOO.
IN SHORT, ROSWELL,
I HAVE HAD YOU!
I AM ABSOLUTELY AND
COMPLETELY THUNDERSTRUCK!
ARE YOU, NOW?
I AM, INDEED.
MY OWN WIFE...
AND AFTER 20 YEARS!
20 YEARS AGO, ROSWELL, I
WASN'T TAKEN IN MARRIAGE.
I WAS PIPED ABOARD.
AND AFTER 20 YEARS,
THE SHRILL PIPING
HAS BECOME
ABSOLUTELY UNBEARABLE.
SO, AT THIS POINT,
ROSWELL, I'M LEAVING,
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,
THE SHIP'S COMPANY!
YOU'RE DESERTING ME!
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,
ROSWELL, YOU SAID IT!
IT WASN'T LOCKED, ROSWELL.
IT MIGHT INTEREST
YOU TO KNOW, MADAM,
THAT WHEN I WAS A YOUNG CHAP,
I HAD A MOTHER WHO
INSISTED SHE WAS ILL.
SHE WAS A WHINY, PETULANT,
COMPLAINING FEMALE
SIMILAR TO YOURSELF.
AND WHEN I WOULD
COME HOME FROM SCHOOL,
SHE WOULD MAKE ME
WALK TIPTOE AND WHISPER.
WHISPER... WHISPER... WHISPER.
YOU KNOW, IN OUR HOUSE,
WE NEVER HAD ANY COOKIES.
ALL WE HAD WERE FUDGE BROWNIES,
BECAUSE THEY MADE LESS
NOISE WHEN YOU CHEWED THEM.
"EAT YOUR BROWNIE
"AND RUN UPSTAIRS AND CHANGE,
BUT KEEP IT QUIET."
AND I TELL YOU, MADAM, I
HAD QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT!
AND THAT IS WHY I WENT TO SEA!
AND THAT IS WHY
I'VE SPENT MY LIFE
IN THE VERY WHOLESOME, HEALTHY
AND QUITE UNDERSTANDABLE PURSUIT
OF THE FREE AND THE UNFETTERED.
AND THAT IS WHY I AM THE OWNER,
MANAGER, CHAIRMAN OF
THE BOARD AND PRESIDENT
OF THE ROSWELL G. FLEMINGTON
MODEL SHIP COMPANY...
SECOND TO NONE IN THE FIELD!
WHOSE MOTTO IS,
"DAMN THE TORPEDOES,
FULL STEAM AHEAD
FOR FUN AND PROFITS."
I KNOW THE COMPANY, I KNOW
THE PRESIDENT, I KNOW THE MOTTO.
AND I RESPOND,
MR. ROSWELL G. FLEMINGTON,
WITH THE FOLLOWING
NAUTICAL PHRASE
WHICH I HAVE NOW TAKEN TO HEART
AND WILL PROCEED TO IMPLEMENT.
THE PHRASE IS, "LAY AFT,
AND DUMP THE GARBAGE!"
SO, IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,
CONSIDER YOURSELF DUMPED!
"FLIGHT DECK SOUNDS OF AIRCRAFT
LEAVING THE CARRIER HORNET."
GOOD RIDDANCE, MADAM!
I HAVE NEVER LIKED YOU.
I HAVE SIMPLY SUFFERED YOU.
WELL?
NOTHING ABNORMAL,
MR. FLEMINGTON.
NO EXCESS WAX, NO
OBSTRUCTION OF ANY KIND,
NO INFLAMMATION.
BY THE GREAT LORD HARRY,
CANDOR DICTATES,
DOCTOR, THAT I TELL YOU
THAT AS A SHIP'S SURGEON,
YOU WOULDN'T MAKE A CABIN BOY
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.
FRANKLY, I THINK CONSULTING
ANOTHER PHYSICIAN
MIGHT BE AN EXTREMELY
PRACTICAL IDEA.
I ONLY WISH YOU'D HAD A
MODICUM OF PROFESSIONAL ETHICS
AND GIVEN ME THIS ADVICE
BEFORE YOU WENT THROUGH
THE MOTIONS OF THIS
PERFUNCTORY EXAMINATION.
AS IT IS, I SHALL BE
DUNNED WITH YOUR BILL
AS WELL AS THE BILL OF
ANOTHER EAR SPECIALIST.
IN POINT OF FACT,
MR. FLEMINGTON,
I WASN'T GOING TO RECOMMEND
ANOTHER EAR SPECIALIST.
NOW, I HAD IN MIND
PERHAPS SOME, UH, WELL...
SOME PSYCHIATRIC HELP.
I PRESUME YOU ARE
BEING HUMOROUS, SIR.
IT IS ONLY THAT
CHARITABLE OUTLOOK
THAT PREVENTS YOUR
BEING CALLED TO ACCOUNTS.
PSYCHIATRIST, EH?
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, DOCTOR...
AND I USE THE TERM LOOSELY...
THERE ARE FEW PEOPLE
WALKING THIS EARTH
AS SANE AS I AM.
I BID YOU GOOD DAY, SIR.
GOOD DAY.
WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
HAPPENED TO LARDHEAD?
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, HONEY.
I'VE BEEN HERE FOUR YEARS,
AND THIS IS THE FIRST
TIME HE'S BEEN LATE.
WOULDN'T IT BE
MARVELOUS IF HIS CAR
FELL OFF THE
FERRYBOAT WITH HIM IN IT?
THE MILLENNIUM, THE
ABSOLUTE MILLENNIUM.
THUS ENDETH THE DREAM.
All: GOOD MORNING, MR. FLEM...
I'VE BEEN HERE FIVE YEARS
AND THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
HE'S WALKED IN
WITHOUT TELLING ME
THAT THE SMOKING
LAMP WAS NOT LIT
AND THAT WE HAD TO
MOVE FULL SPEED AHEAD
TOWARD THE SHORES OF PROSPERITY.
MAYBE HE'S SICK.
SOMETHING INCURABLE,
LIKE BARNACLES ON THE BRAIN.
VERY GOOD.
CONKLIN, GET OUT YOUR DARTS.
ONLY FORGET THE PORTRAIT...
SHOOT FOR THE RECORD.
THAT'S ODD.
VERY ODD.
I'VE BEEN HERE TEN YEARS
AND THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'VE SEEN HIM LOOK FRIGHTENED.
LET'S KEEP IT QUIET OUT HERE.
I WAS JUST...
WITH YOUR PERMISSION,
MR. FLEMINGTON,
NEW SHOES.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
IN THEM, PIPE ORGANS?
THIS SHIP HAS GOT TO SHAPE UP.
REPEAT... SHAPE UP.
NOISE IS NOT EFFICIENCY.
LET'S SECURE NOW.
AND WATCH THIS NOISE.
YES, SIR.
UNLESS I'M VERY MUCH MISTAKEN,
IT IS ONE OF THOSE VERY ODD
PHENOMENA, AURAL SUGGESTION.
A PERSON TALKS HIMSELF
INTO BELIEVING OCCURRENCES
WHEN THEY ARE
FIGMENTS OF IMAGINATION.
BEYOND THAT, THERE IS
DEFINITELY SOME SUGGESTION
THAT YOU ARE RESENTFUL
OF YOUR MOTHER.
AND HAVE A PREOCCUPATION
WITH HER IMAGINARY AILMENTS.
MY GUESS FOR THE MOMENT
WOULD BE THAT THIS FEELING
EXTENDED ITSELF TO YOUR WIFE
WHO PROVIDED YOU WITH
A SIMILAR MOTHER IMAGE.
BUT I CAN TELL YOU
THIS, MR. FLEMINGTON,
AND FORGIVE ME
IF I REPEAT MYSELF:
THESE OCCURRENCES ARE
PURE FIGMENTS OF IMAGINATION.
I BELIEVE THAT, DOCTOR.
NOW, SNAP YOUR FINGERS.
WELL, DO YOU THINK I, UH...
GO AHEAD, SNAP YOUR FINGERS.
ANY ABNORMAL SOUND?
NORMAL!
STAMP YOUR FEET.
NORMAL AGAIN?
HAPPILY, DELIGHTFULLY,
COMFORTINGLY NORMAL.
YOU'VE CURED ME, DOCTOR.
BY THE GOOD LORD HARRY,
IF ADMIRAL NELSON HAD
HAD YOU AT TRAFALGAR,
HE'D HAVE SAVED BOTH
HIS EYE AND HIS ARM.
IN NAVAL PARLANCE,
SIR, YOU'RE 4.0.
4.0, SIR, IN A MANNER
OF SPEAKING.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
MR. FLEMINGTON.
SLAM IT AT WILL, BE MY GUEST.
YOU, SIR, HAVE THE
SOUL OF A SEAMAN.
BLESS YOU.
INCREDIBLE.
ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.
MIND OVER MATTER.
MY WIFE OBVIOUSLY THE CULPRIT
A MISERABLE
PREOCCUPATION WITH NOISE
LITERALLY PLANTED
THE SEED IN MY HEAD.
INCREDIBLE WHAT ONE
CREW MEMBER CAN DO
TO A WHOLE SHIP'S COMPANY.
AND THE WHOLE BUSINESS,
MIND OVER MATTER.
MADAM, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME
ON THIS PARTICULAR QUARTER DECK.
NOR SHALL I STAY HERE, ADMIRAL.
I FORGOT SOME OF MY JEWELRY.
I WILL RETRIEVE SAME
AND THEN, WHETHER YOU
PIPE ME ASHORE OR NOT,
THAT'S PRECISELY
WHERE I'LL BE HEADING.
AND MIGHT I ADD THIS, MADAM...
DESPITE YOUR EFFORTS TO
CAPSIZE THIS WORTHY VESSEL,
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,
AGAINST THE ROCKS AND
HIDDEN SHOALS OF PETULANCE
AND PETTY DISSATISFACTION,
THE SHIP REMAINS TIGHT
AND ALL YOUR EFFORTS,
WORTHLESS AND WASTEFUL.
HORATIO, OLD PAL,
LET THE FOLLOWING
BE MY FINAL COMMENTS:
YOU ARE AN OVERGROWN SAILOR BOY
WITH AN UNDERMANNED HEAD.
YOU ARE SO FULL OF
INCREDIBLE NEUROSES
THAT I WONDER THAT YOU
HAVEN'T CRACKED BEFORE THIS.
BELAY THAT, MADAM, BELAY THAT.
IT JUST SO HAPPENS I HAVE
HAD A PSYCHIATRIC EXAMINATION,
AND IF THERE IS ONE THING
WRONG WITH ME, IT IS YOU.
IT IS SIMPLY YOU.
AND FURTHERMORE, MADAM,
I CAN TELL YOU ONE OTHER THING:
THE WHOLE BUSINESS
IS MIND OVER MATTER.
TOTALLY AND ABSOLUTELY
MIND OVER MATTER.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
I CAN DO TO YOU?
I CAN SHUT YOU OFF.
DO YOU REALIZE THAT?
I CAN LITERALLY SHUT YOU OFF
BECAUSE I AM A MAN
OF SUCH INCREDIBLE WILL
THAT I CAN DO
ANYTHING I WANT TO DO.
NOW, GO AHEAD.
YELL AT ME.
GO ON, YELL AT ME.
BECAUSE EVEN NOW, AT THIS MOMENT
I AM IN THE PROCESS OF
EXERCISING MIND OVER MATTER.
I AM SHUTTING YOU... OUT.
FLEMINGTON, I REALLY
DO WONDER ABOUT YOU.
I WONDER WHY NO ONE
HAS COMMITTED YOU.
I REALLY... SEE! SEE!
I HAVE SHUT YOU OUT.
GO ON, TALK SOME MORE.
REALLY, ROSWELL,
YOU DO NEED HELP.
YOU REALLY DO NEED HELP.
INCREDIBLE... MIND OVER MATTER.
I WANT TO SHUT HER OUT,
I SIMPLY SHUT HER OUT.
NOW, THEN.
WHAT SHALL WE LISTEN TO TONIGHT?
"ANCHORS AWEIGH"?
"MIDSHIPMANS' MARCH"?
LET'S SEE.
"ACTUAL SOUNDS OF
JAPANESE DESTROYER
"EXPLODING IN LADA BAY.
"COMPLETE WITH BOILER HISSINGS,
FANTAIL CRACKING AND
SMOKESTACK EXPLODING."
GREAT, GREAT.
BETTER GET READY OUT THERE.
THIS WILL GALVANIZE
YOU PROPERLY.
LOUDER! LOUDER!
MAKE MORE NOISE.
LET'S HEAR IT.
COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT.
LOUDER!
LOUDER!
WHEN LAST HEARD FROM
MR. ROSWELL G. FLEMINGTON
WAS IN A SANITARIUM
PLEADING WITH THE MEDICAL
STAFF TO MAKE SOME NOISE.
THEY BELIEVED THE CASE TO
BE A RATHER TRAGIC ABERRATION
A MAN'S MIND BECOMING UNHINGED.
AND FOR THIS, THEY'LL GIVE
HIM PILLS, THERAPY AND REST.
LITTLE DO THEY REALIZE THAT ALL
MR. FLEMINGTON IS SUFFERING FROM
IS A CASE OF POETIC JUSTICE.
TONIGHT'S TALE OF
SOUNDS AND SILENCES
FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
AND NOW, MR. SERLING.
NEXT TIME OUT ON
THE TWILIGHT ZONE
WE MOVE IN TO A VERY DARK CORNER
OF THE ODD AND THE UNPREDICTABLE
WITH A STORY CALLED
"CAESAR AND ME."
IT'S WRITTEN BY
ADELE T. STRASSFIELD,
AND IT STARS ONE OF THE
MOST TALENTED YOUNG MEN
ON THE ACTING SCENE
TODAY, JACKIE COOPER.
HERE'S ONE THAT MAY STAY WITH
YOU AFTER THE LIGHTS ARE OUT.
IT'S A STORY OF A
VENTRILOQUIST AND HIS DUMMY,
AND THIS ONE IS DESIGNED
FOR THE COLD CHILLS
AND THE HOT FEVERS.
WITH THE KEY OF IMAGINATION.
BEYOND IT IS
ANOTHER DIMENSION...
A DIMENSION OF SOUND,
A DIMENSION OF SIGHT,
A DIMENSION OF MIND.
YOU'RE MOVING INTO A LAND OF
BOTH SHADOW AND SUBSTANCE,
OF THINGS AND IDEAS.
YOU'VE JUST CROSSED
OVER INTO THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
LET'S GET WITH IT, CONKLIN!
A TIGHT OFFICE
IS A HAPPY OFFICE.
IDLE HANDS MAKE FOR AN
UNPRODUCTIVE POOP DECK.
BELAY THAT, MISS ABERNATHY.
EXTRANEOUS ACTIVITY IS
NOTHING MORE NOR LESS
THAN SLOPPY SEAMANSHIP,
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.
YOU THERE, FENSTERMACHER!
LET'S KEEP AN EVEN KEEL THERE,
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.
LET'S KEEP AN EVEN
KEEL THERE, MAN.
TO ALL OF YOU...
BEAR IN MIND THAT WE
MUST ALL OF US GO AFT,
CLIMB UP THE OLD MAST AND,
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,
SET OUR SIGHTS TO
A DISTANT HORIZON.
TIGHT SHIP! A HAPPY SHIP!
DAMN THE TORPEDOES
OF COMPETITION
AND FULL SPEED AHEAD!
Woman: WELL SHOT, MR. CONKLIN.
RIGHT BETWEEN CAPTAIN
BLIGH'S EYEBALLS.
HE'S AN EXCEPTIONAL VOICE;
MY EARS ARE STILL RINGING.
YOU KNOW, THAT FAT BOY
IS HEADED FOR MUTINY?
WHERE WOULD YOU FIND A PLANK
HEAVY ENOUGH TO HOLD HIM?
WHEN I THINK OF
ALL THE KAMIKAZES
THEY THREW AT US DURING THE WAR,
WOULDN'T YOU THINK JUST
ONE WOULD HAVE HIT HIM?
ONE OF THESE DAYS...
ONE OF THESE
DAYS, ALL THAT NOISE
IS GOING TO COME
BACK AND BITE HIM.
I HOPE I'M AROUND
TO SEE IT HAPPEN.
THIS IS ROSWELL G. FLEMINGTON...
220 POUNDS OF GRISTLE, LUNG
TISSUE AND SOUND DECIBELS.
HE IS, AS YOU HAVE
PERCEIVED, A NOISY MAN;
ONE OF A BREED WHO SUBSTITUTES
VOLUME FOR SUBSTANCE,
SOUND FOR SIGNIFICANCE,
AND SHOUTING TO COVER UP THE
READILY APPARENT PHENOMENA
THAT HE IS NOTHING MORE
THAN AN OVERWEIGHT AND
AGING PERENNIAL SEA SCOUT
WHOSE NOISEMAKING
IS IN INVERSE RATIO
TO HIS COMPETENCE
AND TO HIS CHARACTER.
BUT SOON, OUR WOULD-BE
ADMIRAL OF THE FLEET
WILL EMBARK ON ANOTHER VOYAGE.
THIS ONE IS AN UNCHARTERED
AND TWISTING STREAM
THAT HEADS FOR A DISTANT
PORT CALLED... THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
HELLO?
HELLO?!
WHO?
OH, JUST A MOMENT.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
PLEASE.
ROSWELL! ROSWELL!
COULD YOU TURN THAT
DOWN JUST A LITTLE BIT?
I CAN'T HEAR A THING
ON THE TELEPHONE!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, MADAM?
COLLECTOR'S ITEM.
THE ACTUAL SOUNDS OF
THE BATTLESHIP MISSOURI
BOMBARDING OKINAWA!
BUT I CAN'T HEAR
WHO'S ON THE PHONE!
LAY ON, GENTLEMEN, AND
LET 'EM KNOW WHAT'S WHAT!
FIRE AT WILL!
AND BY THE GOOD LORD HARRY,
WE'LL SHOW THEM HOW THE
NAVY TREATS AGGRESSION!
AND THAT, MADAM, WAS AN
ACT OF UTTER ABOMINATION
AND THE MOST CALLOUS VANDALISM.
MAY I REMIND YOU
THAT THOSE WERE
THE ACTUAL SOUNDS
OF THE BATTLESHIP MISSOURI
BOMBARDING OKINAWA?!
AND THERE WERE ONLY 100
SUCH RECORDS IN EXISTENCE.
NOW THERE ARE ONLY 99.
WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, MADAM,
IS AN ACT OF DESECRATION
NOT UNLIKE THE DEFACING OF
A STATUE OF JOHN PAUL JONES.
WHAT ARE YOU, MADAM,
SOME SORT OF A FANATIC?
ROSWELL, WE'VE
HAD THIS OUT BEFORE.
WHAT WAS ONCE AN
IDIOSYNCRACY OF YOURS
IS NOW AN OBSESSION.
THIS-THIS INSISTENCE
ON BLARING NOISES
AND RUNNING A HOUSEHOLD
LIKE IT WAS A DESTROYER
ESCORT ON CONVOY DUTY...
THE COMBINATION HAS NOW
BECOME QUITE IMPOSSIBLE,
AND I CAN'T LIVE WITH IT.
STAND, MADAM!
OH, KNOCK IT OFF, ROSWELL.
YOU ARE AN INSUFFERABLE,
NOISY CLOWN,
BUT YOU ARE NOT STUPID!
I HAVE HAD YOU UP TO HERE,
AND MY EARS HAVE HAD YOU,
AND MY STOMACH
LINING HAS HAD YOU,
AND WHATEVER PART OF THE BRAIN
THAT KEEPS A PERSON BALANCED...
THAT'S HAD YOU, TOO.
IN SHORT, ROSWELL,
I HAVE HAD YOU!
I AM ABSOLUTELY AND
COMPLETELY THUNDERSTRUCK!
ARE YOU, NOW?
I AM, INDEED.
MY OWN WIFE...
AND AFTER 20 YEARS!
20 YEARS AGO, ROSWELL, I
WASN'T TAKEN IN MARRIAGE.
I WAS PIPED ABOARD.
AND AFTER 20 YEARS,
THE SHRILL PIPING
HAS BECOME
ABSOLUTELY UNBEARABLE.
SO, AT THIS POINT,
ROSWELL, I'M LEAVING,
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,
THE SHIP'S COMPANY!
YOU'RE DESERTING ME!
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,
ROSWELL, YOU SAID IT!
IT WASN'T LOCKED, ROSWELL.
IT MIGHT INTEREST
YOU TO KNOW, MADAM,
THAT WHEN I WAS A YOUNG CHAP,
I HAD A MOTHER WHO
INSISTED SHE WAS ILL.
SHE WAS A WHINY, PETULANT,
COMPLAINING FEMALE
SIMILAR TO YOURSELF.
AND WHEN I WOULD
COME HOME FROM SCHOOL,
SHE WOULD MAKE ME
WALK TIPTOE AND WHISPER.
WHISPER... WHISPER... WHISPER.
YOU KNOW, IN OUR HOUSE,
WE NEVER HAD ANY COOKIES.
ALL WE HAD WERE FUDGE BROWNIES,
BECAUSE THEY MADE LESS
NOISE WHEN YOU CHEWED THEM.
"EAT YOUR BROWNIE
"AND RUN UPSTAIRS AND CHANGE,
BUT KEEP IT QUIET."
AND I TELL YOU, MADAM, I
HAD QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT!
AND THAT IS WHY I WENT TO SEA!
AND THAT IS WHY
I'VE SPENT MY LIFE
IN THE VERY WHOLESOME, HEALTHY
AND QUITE UNDERSTANDABLE PURSUIT
OF THE FREE AND THE UNFETTERED.
AND THAT IS WHY I AM THE OWNER,
MANAGER, CHAIRMAN OF
THE BOARD AND PRESIDENT
OF THE ROSWELL G. FLEMINGTON
MODEL SHIP COMPANY...
SECOND TO NONE IN THE FIELD!
WHOSE MOTTO IS,
"DAMN THE TORPEDOES,
FULL STEAM AHEAD
FOR FUN AND PROFITS."
I KNOW THE COMPANY, I KNOW
THE PRESIDENT, I KNOW THE MOTTO.
AND I RESPOND,
MR. ROSWELL G. FLEMINGTON,
WITH THE FOLLOWING
NAUTICAL PHRASE
WHICH I HAVE NOW TAKEN TO HEART
AND WILL PROCEED TO IMPLEMENT.
THE PHRASE IS, "LAY AFT,
AND DUMP THE GARBAGE!"
SO, IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,
CONSIDER YOURSELF DUMPED!
"FLIGHT DECK SOUNDS OF AIRCRAFT
LEAVING THE CARRIER HORNET."
GOOD RIDDANCE, MADAM!
I HAVE NEVER LIKED YOU.
I HAVE SIMPLY SUFFERED YOU.
WELL?
NOTHING ABNORMAL,
MR. FLEMINGTON.
NO EXCESS WAX, NO
OBSTRUCTION OF ANY KIND,
NO INFLAMMATION.
BY THE GREAT LORD HARRY,
CANDOR DICTATES,
DOCTOR, THAT I TELL YOU
THAT AS A SHIP'S SURGEON,
YOU WOULDN'T MAKE A CABIN BOY
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.
FRANKLY, I THINK CONSULTING
ANOTHER PHYSICIAN
MIGHT BE AN EXTREMELY
PRACTICAL IDEA.
I ONLY WISH YOU'D HAD A
MODICUM OF PROFESSIONAL ETHICS
AND GIVEN ME THIS ADVICE
BEFORE YOU WENT THROUGH
THE MOTIONS OF THIS
PERFUNCTORY EXAMINATION.
AS IT IS, I SHALL BE
DUNNED WITH YOUR BILL
AS WELL AS THE BILL OF
ANOTHER EAR SPECIALIST.
IN POINT OF FACT,
MR. FLEMINGTON,
I WASN'T GOING TO RECOMMEND
ANOTHER EAR SPECIALIST.
NOW, I HAD IN MIND
PERHAPS SOME, UH, WELL...
SOME PSYCHIATRIC HELP.
I PRESUME YOU ARE
BEING HUMOROUS, SIR.
IT IS ONLY THAT
CHARITABLE OUTLOOK
THAT PREVENTS YOUR
BEING CALLED TO ACCOUNTS.
PSYCHIATRIST, EH?
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, DOCTOR...
AND I USE THE TERM LOOSELY...
THERE ARE FEW PEOPLE
WALKING THIS EARTH
AS SANE AS I AM.
I BID YOU GOOD DAY, SIR.
GOOD DAY.
WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
HAPPENED TO LARDHEAD?
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, HONEY.
I'VE BEEN HERE FOUR YEARS,
AND THIS IS THE FIRST
TIME HE'S BEEN LATE.
WOULDN'T IT BE
MARVELOUS IF HIS CAR
FELL OFF THE
FERRYBOAT WITH HIM IN IT?
THE MILLENNIUM, THE
ABSOLUTE MILLENNIUM.
THUS ENDETH THE DREAM.
All: GOOD MORNING, MR. FLEM...
I'VE BEEN HERE FIVE YEARS
AND THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
HE'S WALKED IN
WITHOUT TELLING ME
THAT THE SMOKING
LAMP WAS NOT LIT
AND THAT WE HAD TO
MOVE FULL SPEED AHEAD
TOWARD THE SHORES OF PROSPERITY.
MAYBE HE'S SICK.
SOMETHING INCURABLE,
LIKE BARNACLES ON THE BRAIN.
VERY GOOD.
CONKLIN, GET OUT YOUR DARTS.
ONLY FORGET THE PORTRAIT...
SHOOT FOR THE RECORD.
THAT'S ODD.
VERY ODD.
I'VE BEEN HERE TEN YEARS
AND THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'VE SEEN HIM LOOK FRIGHTENED.
LET'S KEEP IT QUIET OUT HERE.
I WAS JUST...
WITH YOUR PERMISSION,
MR. FLEMINGTON,
NEW SHOES.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
IN THEM, PIPE ORGANS?
THIS SHIP HAS GOT TO SHAPE UP.
REPEAT... SHAPE UP.
NOISE IS NOT EFFICIENCY.
LET'S SECURE NOW.
AND WATCH THIS NOISE.
YES, SIR.
UNLESS I'M VERY MUCH MISTAKEN,
IT IS ONE OF THOSE VERY ODD
PHENOMENA, AURAL SUGGESTION.
A PERSON TALKS HIMSELF
INTO BELIEVING OCCURRENCES
WHEN THEY ARE
FIGMENTS OF IMAGINATION.
BEYOND THAT, THERE IS
DEFINITELY SOME SUGGESTION
THAT YOU ARE RESENTFUL
OF YOUR MOTHER.
AND HAVE A PREOCCUPATION
WITH HER IMAGINARY AILMENTS.
MY GUESS FOR THE MOMENT
WOULD BE THAT THIS FEELING
EXTENDED ITSELF TO YOUR WIFE
WHO PROVIDED YOU WITH
A SIMILAR MOTHER IMAGE.
BUT I CAN TELL YOU
THIS, MR. FLEMINGTON,
AND FORGIVE ME
IF I REPEAT MYSELF:
THESE OCCURRENCES ARE
PURE FIGMENTS OF IMAGINATION.
I BELIEVE THAT, DOCTOR.
NOW, SNAP YOUR FINGERS.
WELL, DO YOU THINK I, UH...
GO AHEAD, SNAP YOUR FINGERS.
ANY ABNORMAL SOUND?
NORMAL!
STAMP YOUR FEET.
NORMAL AGAIN?
HAPPILY, DELIGHTFULLY,
COMFORTINGLY NORMAL.
YOU'VE CURED ME, DOCTOR.
BY THE GOOD LORD HARRY,
IF ADMIRAL NELSON HAD
HAD YOU AT TRAFALGAR,
HE'D HAVE SAVED BOTH
HIS EYE AND HIS ARM.
IN NAVAL PARLANCE,
SIR, YOU'RE 4.0.
4.0, SIR, IN A MANNER
OF SPEAKING.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
MR. FLEMINGTON.
SLAM IT AT WILL, BE MY GUEST.
YOU, SIR, HAVE THE
SOUL OF A SEAMAN.
BLESS YOU.
INCREDIBLE.
ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE.
MIND OVER MATTER.
MY WIFE OBVIOUSLY THE CULPRIT
A MISERABLE
PREOCCUPATION WITH NOISE
LITERALLY PLANTED
THE SEED IN MY HEAD.
INCREDIBLE WHAT ONE
CREW MEMBER CAN DO
TO A WHOLE SHIP'S COMPANY.
AND THE WHOLE BUSINESS,
MIND OVER MATTER.
MADAM, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME
ON THIS PARTICULAR QUARTER DECK.
NOR SHALL I STAY HERE, ADMIRAL.
I FORGOT SOME OF MY JEWELRY.
I WILL RETRIEVE SAME
AND THEN, WHETHER YOU
PIPE ME ASHORE OR NOT,
THAT'S PRECISELY
WHERE I'LL BE HEADING.
AND MIGHT I ADD THIS, MADAM...
DESPITE YOUR EFFORTS TO
CAPSIZE THIS WORTHY VESSEL,
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,
AGAINST THE ROCKS AND
HIDDEN SHOALS OF PETULANCE
AND PETTY DISSATISFACTION,
THE SHIP REMAINS TIGHT
AND ALL YOUR EFFORTS,
WORTHLESS AND WASTEFUL.
HORATIO, OLD PAL,
LET THE FOLLOWING
BE MY FINAL COMMENTS:
YOU ARE AN OVERGROWN SAILOR BOY
WITH AN UNDERMANNED HEAD.
YOU ARE SO FULL OF
INCREDIBLE NEUROSES
THAT I WONDER THAT YOU
HAVEN'T CRACKED BEFORE THIS.
BELAY THAT, MADAM, BELAY THAT.
IT JUST SO HAPPENS I HAVE
HAD A PSYCHIATRIC EXAMINATION,
AND IF THERE IS ONE THING
WRONG WITH ME, IT IS YOU.
IT IS SIMPLY YOU.
AND FURTHERMORE, MADAM,
I CAN TELL YOU ONE OTHER THING:
THE WHOLE BUSINESS
IS MIND OVER MATTER.
TOTALLY AND ABSOLUTELY
MIND OVER MATTER.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
I CAN DO TO YOU?
I CAN SHUT YOU OFF.
DO YOU REALIZE THAT?
I CAN LITERALLY SHUT YOU OFF
BECAUSE I AM A MAN
OF SUCH INCREDIBLE WILL
THAT I CAN DO
ANYTHING I WANT TO DO.
NOW, GO AHEAD.
YELL AT ME.
GO ON, YELL AT ME.
BECAUSE EVEN NOW, AT THIS MOMENT
I AM IN THE PROCESS OF
EXERCISING MIND OVER MATTER.
I AM SHUTTING YOU... OUT.
FLEMINGTON, I REALLY
DO WONDER ABOUT YOU.
I WONDER WHY NO ONE
HAS COMMITTED YOU.
I REALLY... SEE! SEE!
I HAVE SHUT YOU OUT.
GO ON, TALK SOME MORE.
REALLY, ROSWELL,
YOU DO NEED HELP.
YOU REALLY DO NEED HELP.
INCREDIBLE... MIND OVER MATTER.
I WANT TO SHUT HER OUT,
I SIMPLY SHUT HER OUT.
NOW, THEN.
WHAT SHALL WE LISTEN TO TONIGHT?
"ANCHORS AWEIGH"?
"MIDSHIPMANS' MARCH"?
LET'S SEE.
"ACTUAL SOUNDS OF
JAPANESE DESTROYER
"EXPLODING IN LADA BAY.
"COMPLETE WITH BOILER HISSINGS,
FANTAIL CRACKING AND
SMOKESTACK EXPLODING."
GREAT, GREAT.
BETTER GET READY OUT THERE.
THIS WILL GALVANIZE
YOU PROPERLY.
LOUDER! LOUDER!
MAKE MORE NOISE.
LET'S HEAR IT.
COME ON, LET'S HEAR IT.
LOUDER!
LOUDER!
WHEN LAST HEARD FROM
MR. ROSWELL G. FLEMINGTON
WAS IN A SANITARIUM
PLEADING WITH THE MEDICAL
STAFF TO MAKE SOME NOISE.
THEY BELIEVED THE CASE TO
BE A RATHER TRAGIC ABERRATION
A MAN'S MIND BECOMING UNHINGED.
AND FOR THIS, THEY'LL GIVE
HIM PILLS, THERAPY AND REST.
LITTLE DO THEY REALIZE THAT ALL
MR. FLEMINGTON IS SUFFERING FROM
IS A CASE OF POETIC JUSTICE.
TONIGHT'S TALE OF
SOUNDS AND SILENCES
FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
AND NOW, MR. SERLING.
NEXT TIME OUT ON
THE TWILIGHT ZONE
WE MOVE IN TO A VERY DARK CORNER
OF THE ODD AND THE UNPREDICTABLE
WITH A STORY CALLED
"CAESAR AND ME."
IT'S WRITTEN BY
ADELE T. STRASSFIELD,
AND IT STARS ONE OF THE
MOST TALENTED YOUNG MEN
ON THE ACTING SCENE
TODAY, JACKIE COOPER.
HERE'S ONE THAT MAY STAY WITH
YOU AFTER THE LIGHTS ARE OUT.
IT'S A STORY OF A
VENTRILOQUIST AND HIS DUMMY,
AND THIS ONE IS DESIGNED
FOR THE COLD CHILLS
AND THE HOT FEVERS.