The Trip (2010–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Il Cenobio dei Dogi, Camogli - full transcript

This programme contains
some strong language.

Hello. Steve?

Yes, who's this?

It's Rob.

Oh, hey, hey.

How are you? Good, how are you?

Yes, good, how's the show going?

Just finished,
just starting the hiatus.

Yeah, I know, I spoke to your
agent.

Listen, the Observer wants us
to do more restaurant reviews
over six lunches.

Really?



But this time
in Italy, Marbella Italia, yeah?

Beautiful countryside,
beautiful wine,

beautiful women, beautiful food.

What do you think?

Well...

And they'll fly you to Europe.

What, first class?

Or business or upper class Virgin.

This is according to the Observer,
'nowhere in Italy compares

'with Piemonte for travellers
looking for a combination

'of fine wines, gastronomy
and beautiful countryside.

'The area to explore is just
an hour's drive

'down the Autostrade
from Turin.

'From Bra, through Alba then Asti,
takes you through



'a panoply of vineyards producing
Italy's greatest red wines.

'Barolo, Barbaresco,

Barbera. Hanna-Barbera...'

MIMICS TWEETY: Sufferin'
succotash!"

I tawt I taw a puddy tat.

I did!

The Trattoria della Posta,
which is where we're going,

is set in rolling hills clad
with vineyards.

This elegant Trattoria is the ideal
place for a romantic evening.

You know I'm not
a homosexual, don't you?

No, we're not having
a romantic evening,

we are going to have a stimulating
lunch. Good, good.

And if romance should occur,
we'll deal with it as it happens.

The only time I'd ever snuggle
up to you is if I was on the side

of the Eiger on a shelf

and not to do so would mean
I'd freeze to death.

In that situation you know
what you're meant to do?

You're meant to get as close...
I know, you have to spoon.

Spooning, yes. I know. Yes.

You wee on each other, as well,
and that's disallowed.

Well, that's where
recreation meets survival.

I've also sorted out
the music for the iPod.

I've gone for a broad selection,
a lot of Italian stuff,

a lot of opera, obviously.

Good, good. Don Giovanni, Rigoletto,

Verdi, then a smattering of Wales

and the Welsh to tie in with
the beautiful countryside.

Verdi's sounding very, very
appealing right now I have to say.

I've got some Stereophonics
and some Tom Jones.

We're not going to be doing any
impersonations, are we,
because we talked about that.

No, if I sing along that's not
an impersonation.

It just so happens
I bear an uncanny resemblance,

vocally and physically to Tom.

What because you look 75?

Why is this? Oh!

I promise you I haven't sabotaged
the sound system

because of my aversion
to your karaoke inclination.

Why is... There's nothing at all.

So you knew who it is.

Buongiorno. Buongiorno.

Buongiorno.

Uno. Grazie. Prego.

What's that? What are you saying?
I've asked for one of each.

I've got to say I'm very impressed
with the smattering of Italian.

I have brushed up a little.
Yes, I was just saying

Could you tell? Yes.

Prego.

Grazie

That's actually, that is,
that is nice.

I'll take your word for it.

Grazie.

Seriously? You're not drinking? No.

When did this come about? I've not
drunk for about nine months.

So you're not going to drink at all
on the trip?

Wow. I'll still have fun, you know,
still have a laugh.

Just not as much of a laugh

I'm surprised the Observer wanted
you to do this again, I mean...

Well... Neither of us know anything
about, with respect,
know anything about food.

Well, I know a little bit.
Well, yeah but you don't...

When I wrote the last ones
I concentrated not
so much on the food.

It was more a journey,
it was the culture, it was,

it was Wordsworth and Coleridge,

now it's going to be Byron and
Shelley. They're not double acts.

It's not The Two Ronnies
or Morecambe and Wise.

MIMICS RONNIE CORBETT: And more's
the pity because I would adore

driving around Italy
with you Steve,

in the next sketch
dressed as busty ladies singing

a song with some choreography
thrown into the middle.

HE LAUGHS

You know it's like second album
syndrome, isn't it?

Everyone has this amazing,
expressive first album where
they put everything into it

and the second album's
a bit of a damp squib.

It's like trying to do a sequel.
It's never going to be as good as
the first time. Godfather II.

Which is the one that people always
mention when they try to search

for an example of a sequel
that's as good as...

MIMICS AL PACINO: Just when
I thought I was out,
they put me back in

What's this licking thing
you always do?

You look like some
sort of small gecko.

That's what he does,
just when I thought,

I'd made two terrific movies,

they go and make another,

I'm back in.

It's OK, he's just doing
an impersonation, it's fine.

Look at Byron, you know,
Childe Harold made him

the most popular
poet in all of Europe.

And when he wrote that, he did
the first two cantos right,

and he said,
if this is a hit I'll write more.

If it's not a hit,
I won't do any more.

You should do the same, promise
the audience you won't do any more
if they don't like it.

At the end of my successful tours
and live shows?

Oh. Oh gosh.

Grazie.

Grazie.

Prego, buon appetito.

Grazie, grazie.

Mmm, that is lovely.

Childe Harold, Byron wrote,
was a thinly veiled self-portrait.

I was aware of that.

I thought we could do a similar
thing with you,

Childe Stephen,
follow you on your travels and...

It wouldn't be a pseudonym, would
it? I'm called Stephen.

Byron wasn't called Harold was he?

No, he was actually
George Gordon Lord Byron.

Gordon.

Understandably he...

He ditched the Gordon.
..he ditched the Gordon.

It's not a romantic name.
It's not a poet's name, Gordon, no.

Gordon Byron on line three.
Oh, God, tell him I'm not in.

He does my head in.

So Childe Stephen,
we'll do it as an article

and turn it into a Sunday night
serial on BBC One.

Who plays you?

A Sunday night costume
drama about my life?

Yes, yes. Who plays you?
It could happen.

Who plays you? I'll play myself.

You couldn't do that, it's Childe,
it's meant to be like a young man.

You could have Jude Law.

Jude Law's 40 plus.

He doesn't look it.
He hasn't aged like you and I?

He's balding. Yeah, but he's got
that face, he doesn't...

He's got that really young,
bald look.

When you played Alan Partridge,
you know when he was popular,

he was more known than you and, of
course, he was older than you.

But with me with the Rob Brydon
Show, my name is in the title,

I sort of push that. Yeah.

If I were in a bar in a hotel
in Britain

and I wanted to have a drink with
a girl, I couldn't do it.

because there would be an
assumption, "What's he do?"
Go and chat to Rob Brydon.

Yes, people think I'm affable.
Affable. Well, you are.

I'm affable.
I'm not disagreeing with you.

I'm an affable man.
I'm not disagreeing with you.

But my public persona is even more
affable than I actually am.

I'm not as affable as people
think I am.

You've made an affable
rod for your own back. Yes.

Yes, and I'm not saying
I'm not affable.

I am affable.

But I'm not as affable as perhaps
I've given people cause to think.

Crystal clear.

So out here,
I can be off the leash.

I can, I can let my hair,
what is left of it, down. Yeah.

And, you know, have a good time.

Oh, lovely.

Mmm...

Grazie mille.

Grazie.

You know there's a publisher
who's very interested in putting
these articles into a book.

How do they think they're going
to get six articles
and turn it into a book?

Well, we would also do
the ones from the Lake District,
from the English ones.

What did you think of them?
I didn't read them.
I was in America - acting.

They were a lightly fictionalised
account of your adventures

in the north of England.

How were they lightly fictionalised?
The names were changed...

What about my name? ..we kept your
name but the girls' names were
changed.

How do they know it's fictionalised
if it says 'Steve Coogan's
Adventures in the Lake District?'

Did you say, "brackets,
penned by Rob Brydon?" No?

Not in the traditional sense,
no, no.

But then I did do the work for you,
didn't I?

Mmm, bellissimo.

What do you think on the Mini, then?
Are you enjoying it?

I'm presently surprised.
It's a nice car

and to drive it in Italy... Yeah?

What? You see what I'm getting at?

Yes, The Italian Job. Exactly yeah.

I was wondering whether you'd
booked the Mini, in Italy,

for the Italian Job just to give you
the opportunity to say,

MIMICS MICHAEL CAINE: You're only
supposed to blow
the bloody doors off!

But I've done it now.
Hopefully that will be an end to it.

Do your Michael Caine.

Did you see him
in The Dark Knight Rises?

And his voice gets even more
emotional than it's ever

done in the past before.

I don't want to bury you,
Batman, I will not

put you into the ground
in a little box.

I will not do it,
Master Bruce, I will not do it.

I'm not going to bury
another Batman.

Another Batman? How many Batmans
has he been burying?

How many are there? I've buried 14
Batmen... I've buried 14 Batmen...

...put their little pointy
ears in a box...

I'm not going to bury another
nylon cloak with pointy ears

that people wear at birthday
parties.

With the little belt, the very wide
belt that is flattering to
a man with an expanded girth.

I won't do that to you, Master
Bruce. I would not do it to you.

And I won't make
the voice like that.

The voice goes even more like that.

He's basically yodelling.

HE YODELS

And then Christian Bale says,
"You wanted to see me."

And when he says that he puts his
tongue over.

"I want to be a mad man,
I don't want to be a normal guy."

But you sound deaf.

INAUDIBLE ANSWER

Just so nobody can recognise him.

I can't understand a word
you're saying, Master Bruce.

Talk to me as Master Bruce,
not as Batman. Why, why does he?

INAUDIBLE ANSWER

So he can have the cloak
of anonymity...

But he doesn't though. He said,
"Here's that bloke in the cloak who
sounds like he's deaf again."

It's not anonymous, is it?

No wonder when Batman arrives
and starts speaking like that

everyone starts
looking at their shoes.

They're all thinking,
"Why does he talk like that,
poor fella, you know.

And what about Tom Hardy as Bane?

They're like competing to see who's
the most, the least understandable.

INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION

Bane, take off your mask love,
I can't catch a word you're saying.

INAUDIBLE REPLY

He's a wonderful actor, don't get me
wrong. No, he's very good.

Tom Hardy's very muscular so he's
a terrific actor. Terrific actor.

No, no, he's good, he's scary good,
scarily good. But...

INAUDIBLE

I don't, I don't, I don't...

Do you know what I think that is?

I think that they both are very
formidable actors. Yes

Very charismatic,
a little bit scary. Yes.

Can you imagine a first AD going up
to one of them going,

"The director thinks he can't
quite understand what you're saying,

"do you want to try
a different voice?

"Do you want to try a different
voice?"

"The director's a little worried
that maybe people can't
understand what you're saying."

MUMBLED REPLY

"OK, all right, all right, no...

"Tom says he's quite happy with
the voice he's got at the moment,

"he's happy to go with that."

INAUDIBLE REPLY

No, I'm just relaying what the
director said.

IRATE INAUDIBLE REPLY

No, I understand. I understand.

Yeah, they're both upset now.

Is this not something
we could fix in post?

Because I think you've opened
a can of worms.

I know, I know, I'm on your side.

I know I understand perfectly Tom,
and Christian, no you too.

Yes, no, I understand.

I know that's what I told him,
I think

he's, I think he, yes, shall I?

He says it's fine, just,
just go with the voices.

Yes, OK.

I like Tom Hardy, I couldn't do
what he does, I couldn't do it
and neither could you.

But he couldn't do,
he couldn't do what I do.

When you're saying something like,
"See in store for details."

No way he could do that. No, no.

Sorry, where do I look for details?

And when you have to talk quickly
with the disclaimer at the end.

Your home may be at risk if you
don't keep up repayments,
terms and conditions may apply.

No projection, if you project you
add time. Yeah. Now Hardy...

MUFFLED SPEECH

You got through it. Well, yeah,
I'm a pro, I'm a pro,
I can't be any other way.

your average family in the
middle of Coronation Street,

"What the hell is that!"

They're throwing things,
throwing the remote at the screen.
No, I'm with you.

I can hardly understand what
he's saying.

I wouldn't say that to his face
though.

No, never, no, no...

Never, if I see him, "Loved Batman."

Some people said they couldn't
understand you,
but they're just wrong. Yeah.

You imagine if I said
there are great savings at B&Q,

with that sort of a voice...

Exactly.
I'd be laughed out of town.

Of course you would. Just try it.

MUFFLED SPEECH

That's why...
Have you lost your mind?

That's why Tom Hardy doesn't
do B&Q voiceovers.

He hasn't got the B&Q gig, has he?
No, he hasn't no.

But, equally, if I was Bane,

"I'm going to smash you to
smithereens Batman

"and leave you
lying at the bottom of a pit."

You see that's clear,
but lacks character.

And it lacks menace, it's too
reasonable. It's too reasonable.

I'm a reasonable villain.

Oh wow, look at that.

Grazie.

Grazie.

Look at that, do you know what?

That's just...

There's a lovely... Mmm. Lovely...

Game...

We're both eating game. Mmm.

Game's very good for you. Mmm.

Because living in the wild,
it's had lots of nutrition,

it's been eating wild.
It's been...

Been exercising, exercising.
On the run, very fit, exercise.

So if you were to eat Mo Farah...
Yeah.

it would be fantastically
beneficial. Exactly.

It's the equivalent of eating
Mo Farah if you were in a plane
crash with him. Yeah, yeah.

If you were in a crash with him...
...in the Andes.

In the Andes. I'd eat him first,
if he was dead.

What if he was mortally wounded,
you know there was

no chance of him surviving and he'd
lost all feeling in his lower body?

Would you start to eat those
fantastic legs?
No, no, because that would be rude.

Keeping the freshness. No, there's
no rudeness, he's going to die,

he's already paralysed
from the waist down.

"Mo, mo, you know
you're not going get up again."

If you put a tent up half way along
and you distracted him by chatting
to him.

Possibly. About his glories at the
Olympics, reliving those moments,

you united the nation Mo,
you were wonderful.

Well, you know what, it's a
bit of a silly conversation,

but given the choice...

I'd rather eat Mo Farah's legs
than yours.

And that's not... There's more
benefit in them, I'd be the
first to admit.

Only a fool would eat my legs
over Mo Farah's legs. Yeah.

I'm trying to think who
I'd eat your legs over.

Um... Stephen Hawking.

Yes. Yes?

Although I'd definitely
eat his brains first, before yours.

I'd then use his chair to escape
down the hill, down the Andes.

If he was in the crash.
The crash is me, you, Mo Farah

and Stephen Hawking.

We'd all been travelling to
Argentina to do a celebrity
Krypton Factor together.

We crash, we're thinking,
"How are we going to get out here?"

And that's how we do it.

And then realise it was all
part of the Krypton Factor.

Yeah, it was a challenge and bloody
hell we've killed Mo Farah.

And we've eaten a fair
chunk of his thigh.

But in all seriousness,
you get back to England,

you've survived the plane crash,
you're on TV being

interviewed by one your mates,
like Wogan, or someone like that.

Yeah. And Wogan's saying,
So, Rob, how did you,

how did you survive
the crash in the Andes?

You must have been pretty hungry

when you were sitting
there in the snow.

And wondering, where am
I going get my next beer from?

A little bird tells me that you,
that you ate Mo Farah's legs.

Is that true? Did you eat his
legs? No, I've heard this.

I think this is a rumour
put around by Steve Coogan,

as he recuperates.

Ah, the old Steve Coogan,
the old Alan Partridge,

that's a funny,
that's a funny fella.

Funny fella. And in real life,
just as funny, Terry.

I'm sure he is. An absolute ball.

But to get back to the point
though...

No, let's talk about Steve.
Let's talk about...

In real life he's a delight.
Let's talk about you...
He's the kind of guy you want...

No, let's talk about you
eating Mo Farah's fucking legs.

Tell the fucking truth about eating
Mo Farah's fucking legs.

At which point we get taken off the
air. Do you think Terry'll eff
and jeff like that?

Imagine the switchboards.
I know, I know.

And I escape Scot free.

Oh, Rob Brydon, always good
to welcome him in.

Here's Chris Rea.

No, grazie.

Grazie. Prego.

The inside of this
when you turn it around,

look the beginning of a Bond film.

Let's have a look.

You know why those
swirly things are?

When you see them, when you're
looking down the barrel of a gun,

you know what that is, don't you?
No.

That's the rifling
on the inside of the barrel.

Rifling? Yeah.

Rifling through your wife's handbag.
It's the same thing.

Going around and around and around.
Really?

Rifling was what they introduced
after the muskets

which had no rifling.

On muskets the lead ball fired
straight out.
You know a lot about guns.

It's just, I just pick stuff up.

You just picked it up, Mr Coogan?

Both of these weapons were found
underneath your bed

on the night of the offence. Well, a
shotgun has no rifling in it,

that's why you can't call
a shotgun a rifle.

I don't doubt whether you can call
it this, that or the other,

what I want to know is
why your finger prints were
found around the trigger?

HE CHUCKLES

You say Mr Brydon was
a friend of yours,

yet when his bloodied corpse was
found at the foot of your stairs,

you claimed you'd had very little
involvement with him.

What was it about Mr Brydon that
made you so want to kill him?

And don't say,
"Where should I start?"

I didn't want to kill him.
Occasionally I found him annoying,
but no more than that.

Might he ever have found YOU
annoying, Mr Coogan?

Might he ever have found you
a little, shall we say, pompous,

aggrandising, self-conceited

and up his own, shall we say, arse?

I think we shall, I think we have.
I dare we say we might.

I'm sure any relationship
has its ups and downs

and ours had perhaps more downs
than ups.

But nevertheless we had a friendship
which was...

..stimulating.

Stimulated by the thought
of killing him?

Because you wanted to kill him
didn't you, Mr Coogan?

I'm sure on occasion any of us
who have a robust relationship

with a friend may on occasions say,
"God, I wish I could kill you."

How can one wish to kill Mr Brydon?

A man who brought such great
joy to the nation with his small

man in a box, his voiceovers
for reputable DIY outlets,

and his impressions of 50%
of the Two Ronnies,

how could anybody wish ill on such
a cherubic figure, Mr Coogan?

Erm...

I'm not quite sure where the
question's leading.

Prego. Grazie.

Grazie. Grazie.

So Steve, you made it through to the
final round where we ask you,

how much was the meal?

Are you going to go, Steve, don't
answer yet,

are you going to go for A...

200 Euros. 3 Euros.

Are you going to go for B, 5 Euros,

or are you going to go for C,
152 Euros?

Well, 152.

152 Euros?

152, you've won the car.

You can drive a Mini away from here.

Well, that was just right.

Shall I drive?

You've had three glass of Barolo,
I haven't had any. All right.

Well, I am going drive at some
point on this trip.

Perhaps...to be discussed.

I can drive in the mornings,
have a bottle at lunchtime,

and then slump in the passenger
seat in the afternoon.

What are you doing in the boot?
Just getting some music.

One CD. Sounds ominous.

It's not Tom Jones, is it?
Alanis Morrisette.

You're kidding me?

It's Sally's...

..my wife.

Shall er... shall we?

Nah.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hey, Dad, it's Joe.

Oh, hello, how are you?
I'm OK, where are you?

I'm in Italy with Rob, Rob Brydon.
Buongiorno.

That's him talking Italian,
like a native.

So maybe it's better you and I talk
later on Skype at the hotel?

All right, OK.

Good, all right,
speak to you later, bye.

Teenagers...

He's in Ibiza with his mum and Amy.

Ah...

I wondered why you were
so willing to come away

when you could have been
with your kids.

You don't get to see them
very much do you?

Well that's...

That's why I'm quite
glad that Pathology hasn't

been picked up for a third series.

Yeah. So, plus I'm just tired of LA.

So your hiatus has been
indefinitely extended?

Yes, through the summer
to the autumn,

but, hopefully,
not as far as the winter.

So mid-life hiatus? Your mini hiatus

is a mid-life hiatus.

I know a lot of guys retired at 50

and they say it's the best
thing they ever did.

I'm not retiring, I'm 47.

Yes, but the time you get round
to doing it you'll be 50,

fantastic, you'll have time on your
hands to do whatever you want.

Maybe I'll end up doing
a Crunchy Nut Cornflakes ad yet.

ROB CHUCKLES

Glory days, glory days.

They've now passed me by, they
didn't renew the contract on that,

which is a great shame because they
were ludicrously tasty.

What doth it profit it a man
if he gain an endless

supply of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes,
but sells his soul?

Well...

Quite a lot of money,
quite a lot of money.

Incrementally increasing
year on year.

Yes but it came to an end,
didn't it?

Yeah, I worked for two years,
so it incrementally
increased for two years.

Well, one year, the first year.
That's one increment.

Yes, that's technically true.

Do you still want to
get your photograph taken outside
Byron's house?

Yes, the publishers want
photos for the book.

We can't have too many.

1822 to 1823.

He stayed one year in Italy.

That's just a holiday.
It was just before he died.

He was essentially on the run
from England

because he'd, you know,
slept with his sister,

sodomised his wife
and some young boys.

Yes, some of that is out of order.

Go back a bit further,
I want to see the sign.

But you're looking straight at my
nose. You and the sign.

But you're looking straight..isn't
that too low? But you want both in.

Yes, but what do I look like?

It is Alarnis or Alanis?
It's Alarnis.

How do you know that? Because I just
decided and that's enough.

That's good enough. All right.

In America people call
themselves what they want.

I'm sure her dad's
probably called Alan.

In which case it would be Alanis.

Er, not necessarily.

I wouldn't be surprised
if there's a lot of blokes in
America called Alan,

say it's Alarn.

I'm Alarn. There's some properties,
I want you to take a look.

And Morrisette, it's probably
that she was a Morrissey fan

and decide to call herself
a Morrisette.

Is he still going?
Does he still sing now?

# He's still singing about
things that make him sad

# and sometimes happy.

# Now he lives in Los Angeles

♪ where it doesn't rain any more,
any more. ♪

Excellent, you're doing voices,

I'm doing voices. All is well.

She's not American though,
I will pick you up on that.

Alanis is Canadian.

Avril Lavigne in many ways

is the young person's
Alanis Morrisette.

You know, I don't want to do down
a young performer

but she's no Alanis Morissette.

Alanis Morissette is authentic,
an authentic voice.

So you do like Alanis Morissette?

Relative to Avril Lavigne.
Go on, then.

All right, let's have a nostalgia
trip back to 1995,

when we were both but 30 years old.

That's why Sally loves it,
she was only 20 then.

♪ Do I stress you out? ♪

Yes you do.

# My sweaters on backwards and
inside out

♪ And you say, how appropriate. ♪

How appropriate. You know I can see
the appeal in a woman like this.

Volatile women are always sexy
when you first meet them.

But two years down the line you're
sort of saying things like,

"Can you put the lids
back on these jars, please."

I admire you taking
a stand against society's laws

by wearing your jumper inside out.
Yeah.

But enough is enough.

And I am frightened
by the corruptive ways of this land,

if only I could meet my maker.

And I am fascinated
by the spiritual man.

I am humbled by his humble nature.

Do you know what?

It is music that appeals
to neurotic teenage girls,

but it's actually rather good.

Byron appealed to teenage girls.
Very true, very true.

What's this place called?
Cenobio Dei Dogi.

The dodgy hotel?

Dogi, Dogi means ruler.

This was the ruler's summer palace.

The Royal Hotel in Manchester.
That's a dodgy hotel.

Look at that, it doesn't get much
better than that, Rob.

Absolutely stunning, gorgeous.

The Dolce Vita.

We're living the dream.

It's funny isn't it, women
that age just look straight
through us don't they?

Non-threatening. No, they don't even
find us threatening.

They don't even find me lascivious
because they think I couldn't
possibly be thinking like that.

The one in blue top
looks like a younger me.

A younger, idealised version of me.

A lovely hybrid of Springsteen
and Petula.

He's like you, after a computer has
corrected all your deficiencies.

He's an airbrushed me, isn't he?
It's like the best surgeon
in the world

has been given a year with you.
Yes, thank you, thank you.

There was a time when I used to make
eye contact with a woman

and she'd flash a smile back.

And...

That's all it would be, just
a little moment.

Those women just, the smile you
get from them is the smile

they give to a benevolent uncle.

Or a pest.

They think we're two elderly
homosexuals on our last
tour of the Riviera before we die.

What do you think they're saying?
"Look at those two guys over there,

"they think they're really cool.

"They don't realise this isn't
a place for old bastards like that."

"What about the guy on the right
in the white jacket?

"I see him on the television, he in
the advert for the stand-up bath.

"He's really cool." Stand up bath?

That's where they think
they see you before.

"I see him advertising stand
up bath with door.

"I see him advertising pet insurance
policies for the over 50s."

Let's just look this way.

Nature never disappoints you,
no rejection.

Quite rough though. Yes.

We're supposed to be getting a boat
tomorrow going to the Bay of Poets.
Are we?

Yeah, where Byron swam.