The Trip (2010–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Holbeck Ghyll - full transcript

Oh, hiya. How are you?
Good, good. Listen.

Are you free next week to go away?
Where?

It's kind of a tour,
tour of the north.

Restaurant tour.
Really good restaurants.

Right. Why me?

Mischa can't come
and I don't want to go alone.

I've asked other people,
but they're all too busy.

It's a job. I'm not asking you to go
on holiday with me or anything weird.

It's for the Observer magazine.
So... you know, do you wanna come?

So I thought we'd take the B-5278
along the west bank of Windermere.

Then when we get to Rydal,



we're gonna take the A591
up to Keswick.

I've printed out some reviews...
Oh, great. Oh, that's good.

For L'enclume,
and basically, with L'enclume,

you can say whatever you want,

because it goes from
the terrible to the wonderful.

Victor Lewis-Smith.

Um... 'Never mind all the talk
of inventiveness and variety,

the result was as formulaic
as McDonald's,

with the same splatter
of Technicolor bird shit

on every plate.'

Then...
That's a bit unkind.

Giles Coren in The Times.

'Love is not strong enough
to describe what I felt

about L'enclume in Cartmel.



I am breathless
with admiration, respect,

and awe for the skill,
imagination and restraint

of the 20-odd plates
of Simon Rogan's food

that I ate in my two visits.'

Two-thirds of the way through that,

you were thinking of doing
Anthony Hopkins, weren't you?

Yes.
Yeah, I heard it.

I heard it in your voice.
Are you glad I didn't?

I am glad you didn't.
I admire your restraint.

'I was dazzled,

blown away by the originality,
integrity and extravagance.

I found it the best restaurant
experience over the years.

Love is not strong enough to
describe what I felt about it!'

Please, Christ. Restaurant I would
easily promise to honour and obey!

I will honour you, sir! I will
honour you and the restaurant, sir!

Alright. Alright. Jesus Christ.
It's so early, shouting like that.

It's really horrible.
It's really unpleasant.

He is when he does that, isn't he?
I know. I know.

He is, and by default, you are.

Well, yeah,
because I inhabit the role, sir.

I'm not a turn, am I?
I inhabit the role.

Yeah, no,
you're a real method actor. Yeah.

You're right up there
with Pacino and...

Oh, Christ, I better be careful
what I say.

What do you got?
Hello, hello.

There's method in my madness.

Why are we self-catering?

We thought we would go
and stay the night at Greta Hall

when Mischa was gonna come
with me originally,

because we thought
we could make love in the bed

that Coleridge slept in
and made love in,

and they would lend
a poetic, romantic frisson

to our congress.

Still be romantic,
just the two of us.

We can be chummy.
Yeah, exactly, chummy.

Yeah.
Chummy. Without the bum.

Bumless chums.
Bumless chums.

Very big, isn't it?

Uh. Very nice.
Yeah.

Robert Southey. Now who was he?
I thought Coleridge lived here.

Yeah. I thought there'd be a...
Ah, look, there it is.

'Samuel Taylor Coleridge
lived here...'

Three years.
Not very long.

You can hardly say it's Coleridge's
house, can you?

Well, it's not how long
you live here,

it's the significance of who you are.

I mean, if I lived with you for...
I don't know, six months,

when I die, there'll be a plaque
on the house saying,

'Steve Coogan lived here
from 2010 to 2011' or something.

Coleridge left quite quickly
after he moved here,

so Robert Southey had his wife
and Coleridge's wife,

and another Fricker sister
living here, plus the children.

So he was the only man
looking after all these children,

and the wives as well.

So he, you know, he had to...

'Cause Coleridge was off
on his travels.

Couldn't cope with
the domesticity of life.

He found it very difficult.

He found it very hard
to be creative.

Yes, yes.

There's bells ringing
all over the place here.

He came back though, didn't he?

Periodically, he would come back
and visit, uh-huh. Hmm.

We don't think... well,
there isn't very much evidence

that he actually had sent any
money back, which is a bit tricky.

I'm very consistent
with my maintenance, Rob.

Oh no, you are.
I would never say anything.

In case you wanted to draw
a parallel there.

So this was Coleridge's study.
Wow.

And possibly his bedroom as well.
Hey.

He would, like... probably had
opium in here maybe.

Um... Possibly laudanum,

because that's what they
were taking at that time,

initially as a painkiller,
but then perhaps he would...

Well, he did become addicted to it.

Would you like me to tell you about
Holbeck Ghyll? Yes.

'Charming, Victorian hunting lodge

with pleasant gardens
and stunning views.

Individually decorated bedrooms

combine country-house style
with a contemporary edge.'

That's how I think of myself.

If I was a house,
I'd like to be a country house,

but with a contemporary edge.
'Cooking is confident and precise.

Appealing menus are complemented
by an exceptional wine list.'

Yeah.

Oh, hey. Look at that. See that?
Beautiful.

You can't paint that.

Well... Well, you could,
but it'd be a bit rubbish.

Probably sell it for about 25 quid

in one of the tourist shops
around here.

Fuck.

Why do you do that, eh? Why?
You know it's physically impossible?

Oh! My back.

Are you ready to order?
Yes, please.

Um... Shall I go first?
Yep.

Could I have the scallops
to start, please?

And then I'll have the pigeon
as the main course.

I will have the rabbit, please,
followed by the lamb.

Thank you. Nice image,
rabbit following a lamb.

That's a bit weird. Rob.
A bit weird.

Oh, yeah.

Can we have a knife
for the butter please,

and a rolled-up £20 note
for the salt? Thank you.

Gentlemen, your wines.

The Cheverny
and the Chablis Premier Cru.

Ah, marvellous. Premier Cru.
I know that that means it's good.

Premier Cru.
Premier, first, the best.

Cru?

Don't know.

Mystery. Mystery. But that's good.

It's good to have mystery
about these things.

It's a premier. That's good.
It's the first of something.

Would you like to try, gentlemen?

Do you wanna try?
Yes, please.

Thank you.

That's fine.

Now 11 and 5.

Sorry?

What is it, sorry?

Pumpkin and gruyere.
Gruyere?

Gruyere.
Cheese. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

She's lovely, wasn't she?
Very sweet. Nice disposition.

Imagine her on an Alpine hillside
herding goats.

Hm. Ah, it's delicious.
Taste it. Isn't that lovely?

Oh, that is... that...
ah, tremendous. Good Lord!

Hmm.
Hmm.

My bouche is amused.

Yeah. Can you not look
right into my eyes when you taste it?

You look weird.
Hmm. Oh, Steve.

That's lovely.

I don't fancy my chances
of sleeping in Coleridge's house.

I'm bad enough
in a really good hotel.

Because I like the smells of home,
just the home smells.

I'm like an animal in that sense.

What? Like a mouse?
Like a lion.

If he strays far from the pride,

he yearns for the smell
of his lady lion, his she-lion.

Let's change the subject, mate,
please, for Chrissakes.

Oh, hang on. Sorry. Let me finish.

Oh, my God! Oh, Rob. Please, please.

Thank you very much.
Thank you very much, thank you.

OK, service.
Table six, scallops. Lovely.

This is Hazlett on Coleridge.

'All that he had done of moment
he had done 20 years ago.

Since then, he maybe is said to live
on the sound of his own voice.

He is a general lover
of art and science.' That's true.

'And wedded to no-one
in particular.'

OK, it's about me.
I didn't realise, but carry on.

'He pursues knowledge
as a mistress.' OK.

'It was not to be supposed
that Mr Coleridge could keep on

at the rate he set off.'
Aha!

'He could not realise all...'
Is that written down?

'And less could not fix
his desultory ambition.

Other stimulants
supplied the place...'

Careful, you were going
to Jimmy Saville then,

but I'll let it go.

'Other stimulants supplied
the place and kept up

the intoxicating dream,
the fever, and the madness

of his early impressions.'

Right. I don't do impressions.

I'm saying that it can be hard
to have a big success.

Bob Balaban said, 'Never be hot.
Always be warm.'

And a lot of the people that
are thought of as great had pfff...

supernova moments.

Where do you go from there?

Well, it's difficult, you know,

once you've achieved greatness,
to match that.

I imagine it is.

Yeah, and you'll always imagine,

because it's not a problem
you'll ever have to contend with.

But that's not
a problem for me, why?

I'd rather be me than you,

because I'd rather have
these moments of genius,

than... than... than a lifetime
of mediocrity.

My career is not mediocre.

OK, that's good. Two crab,
rabbit, scallops.

Doesn't matter about the thyme.

Scallops.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.
Scallops. Thanks.

Golly. Thank you.

Enjoy it.
Thank you very much.

I always think of Coleridge as sort
of a Richard Burton-type character.

In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn

a stately pleasure-dome decree,
where Alph, the sacred river, ran

through caverns measureless
to man down to a soundless sea.

I'm very impressed with that.
You shocked me.

'Cause I would have thought
that you would have preferred

Olivia Newton-John's
version of Xanadu.

I think both Newton-John
and Coleridge

tackled the subject of Xanadu
with varying degrees of success.

They call it Xanadu.

Yes.
Xanadu.

Xaaaanadu. In Xanadu.

- Ably abetted by...
- Jeff Lynne

Of...
The Electric Light Orchestra.

Electric Light Orchestra.
The Electric Light Orchestra.

First one, pigeon, lamb encore,
followed by duck, lamb encore.

Wordsworth took his time.
He was a plodder.

He took his time, then steady...

Yes, he was. It's the tortoise
and the hare.

Do you see yourself as a hare?
Yeah, I'm happy to be a hare.

Tortoise is happier than the hare.
Yeah, but they're boring.

Hares go... you know,
zoom, zoom, zoom!

I'd rather be a tortoise.
The tortoise wins at the end.

Yeah, that's true.

- Thank you very much.
- Top up?

Yes, I like drinking wine.

We'll just
plate up here and we'll...

'Better to burn out than fade away.'
Neil Young.

'One small leap for man.'
Neil Armstrong.

'One small leap for man'?

It was actually 'one small step for
man, one giant leap for mankind'.

But it was meant to be 'a man'.

He got it wrong. He got his lines
wrong. He hadn't thought it through.

Thank you very much.

I don't need the nod and the wink.
I don't it every time.

Well, you know what?
OK, yeah. Don't do that.

No, I'm saying I won't do that.
I'm going... I won't do it.

Service.

Thank you. Pigeon...
Golly, that does look nice.

That looks lovely. What is that?
Pigeon.

Really?
Yeah. Golly.

Don't want to sit there
watching you cooing over it.

What have you got?
I have lamb.

Thank you.
Um...

Farewell to the white wine.
Hello to our old friend, the red.

Mmm. That's nice. That's very nice.

Do you think we just have the same
conversation in every restaurant?

Um... Yeah. Of course we do.
We're bound to...

Essentially having
the same conversation

in every place we go to.

We start out being a bit awkward
with each other,

have a little bit of wine,
exchange a few frivolities.

Loosen up,
enjoying each other's company.

To enjoy each other's company,
have a bit more wine,

get cantankerous.
Yeah.

And...
Pick faults with each other.

Pick faults with each other,
and it descends into a kind of a...

sort of a bitter, unhappy end
to the meal.

It's a little haggis.
Yeah?

Anyone ever asks you
to go on a haggis hunt,

be careful what you say.

They've taken you for a fool.

Taken you for a fool.

As a bloody fool. There's no
such thing as a haggis hunt.

I just imagined myself
pointing my knife upside down,

and just pressing my head onto it.

Desperate to be taken seriously,
aren't you? No.

You can't treat your entire life
like a Radio 4 panel show.

Buzz. Yes, you can.

Alex James said he celebrated
his 20th birthday with alcohol,

his 30th with drugs,
and his 40th with food.

Is that how it is for you?

Um...

Well, don't you find it exhausting,

still running around, going
to parties and chasing girls...

I don't run around and go to parties
and chase girls.

You do. You chase girls.
I don't chase them.

You make me sound like Benny Hill.

But don't you find all that
exhausting at your age?

No. Do you find it exhausting
looking after a baby?

Yes, I do.
Yeah, well...

Everything's exhausting
when you're past 40.

Everything's exhausting at our age.

Right, after this
we're gonna go duck, lamb.

Oh, dear. A rather miserly portion.

A mouse has taken a shit
on your plate.

Here is Petit Langue
champagne cheese.

Wensleydale local cheese.
Wensleydale.

Cracking cheese, Gromit.

Let me just say your eyes match
your neckerchief perfectly.

Thank you.
Please don't press charges.

There's a fine line
between pleasantries...

And sexual harassment, and that's
the line that you have...

Thank you very much.
Thank you very much. Thank you.

What a charming girl!

What a charming girl.
What a charming girl.

James Mason is from Yorkshire.

Occasionally you can hear
his vowel sounds,

very flat vowel sounds,
when he speaks.

Wallace is probably...
Go to your room or I shall beat you.

Are you still doing James Mason?
No, I'm speaking to you directly.

Can I have my cheese first?
Yes. Thank you.

Put your tongue to the cracker.

I raise it slowly to me mouth,

wondering if it will fulfil
the promise of cheese gone by.

At Leeds Grammar.
Oh, ma'am. Oh, Allan.

And it did.

And now, as I look back,
Dudley and Peter...

Dudley, elfin sexuality.

Jonathan, that much clever
than Peter, Dudley and I.

'Peter, Dudley and me.'
Peter, Dudley and me. Sorry.

Not 'Peter, Dudley and I'.

The cheese evoking memories of...

I was hoping that that interjection

might curtail
your Alan Bennett odyssey.

Oh, no. Not at all.

The cracker found under the sofa.

'Cracker, the cracker.'
Who talks like that? 'The cracker.'

Scousers.
Yeah. Fuckin' Scousers.

'Khome 'ere, khome here
with the khracker.'

They don't say 'khome'.
'Khome here with your crackers.'

They don't say 'khome here'.
Fuck yer crackers.

'Don't fukhing crush your khrackers
at me.'

The 'kh', that's what the Welsh do,
all that 'kh'.

They don't want the Scousers
talking. I met Steven Gerrard once.

'Alright, how you doing? Alright?'
I knew nothing about football.

I met Paul McCartney once.

Not just listing Liverpudlians I've
met. I met him. He's a footballer.

Not listing my names. Just saying
I'm met Paul McCartney. Good.

I'm envious.

Too much cheese.
You can say that again.

That should be the name of your
autobiography - Too Much Cheese.

Yeah, and yours should be
Sticky Toffee Pudding.

Well, that's devastating.
I'm devastated.

That was lovely, thank you.
Delightful.

He's made light work of that,
hasn't he?

Short shrift.
Bit Trevor Eve.

Friday at nine, on BBC1.

Can we have the bill please?
Yes, of course.

I'm tired now. Go right to sleep.
I think you should.

Thank you, Terry.

There'll be more from Terry
same time tomorrow.

Right. The Doobie Brothers.

What a fool believes? This fool
believes any old nonsense.

- Your bill, gentlemen.
- Thank you very much.

What does it say?
Are you excited?

And the winner is... Holbeck Ghyll.
£140.30.

Holbeck Ghyll.
Holbeck Ghyll.

Holbeck Ghyll.
Hello, my name's Holbeck Ghyll.

Hello. My name's Holbeck Ghyll.

You might remember me.
Remember me from Follyfoot.

Now I'm here to tell you about
a wonderful new walk-in bath.

And softly, softly.

I once played an elderly gentleman
with a concussion in Holby City.

But I was cut out.

And I remember I played
an elderly gentleman

who was wrongly accused
of being a paedophile.

That was important to me
that he was 'wrongly accused'.

Very important to me. I said
I don't mind being a paedophile,

as long as he's WRONGLY accused.

If you're over 50...
If you're over 150.

If you're over 150,
if you're worried about intruders,

then turn your semi-detached house
into Fort Knox...

with my aluminium blinds.

And look at my razor wire.
Look at them. Brrr-clang!

You know, a small child of 12 tried
to enter my garden the other day,

and went away with lacerations
to his hands and wrists,

thanks to my razor wire and shards
of glass. Illegal. Can't do that.

I know it's illegal,
but I don't care.

I'll do what I can to keep
the little shits off my property.

I'm Holbeck Ghyll. Goodnight.

Hi, Emma.

Hey, are you alright?
Yeah, I got a missed call.

Yeah, I was just phoning to remind
you about the photographer.

She's gonna meet you
at Hipping Hall tomorrow.

OK. Well... hang on.
A photographer?

Yeah, for the photos
for the article?

We talked about it
in the office, remember?

Yeah, it's on my itinerary.
OK, yeah. OK.

Her name's Yolanda, by the way.

I'm gonna come up with her
tomorrow, so you'll see me then.

If you need anything in
the meantime, just give me a shout.

Yes, miss. OK. I'll talk to you soon.
Thanks.

So I'll see you tomorrow then, yeah?
Yeah, see you tomorrow.

Good.
Take care.

OK, bye. Bye.

Aha!

Do you remember The Seekers?
Yeah.

£ Rockin', rollin', ridin'
£ All along the bay

£ Something, something
£ Morning town

£ Many miles away. £

Kind of processed cheese version
of real '60s music.

I remember friends of my parents
had Bridge Over Troubled Water,

and I remember thinking, 'Whoa!'
Cool. Yeah.

Wings At The Speed Of Sound.
That would've been very racy.

Cliff Richard, not black
technically, but in his soul. Yeah.

I assume you're being ironic.

Look at this, magnificent.

This is Langdale.
You know what that means?

It means 'long valley' in Viking.

This would have...
Oh!

All this was formed
in the last ice age,

about 10,000 years ago.

Incredible, isn't it?

How far are we gonna go?
A little bit further.

Because it's late.
I know. I know.

As you can see, the sun's now
on the other side of the...

Hello.
It's OK. Hello.

Human history has been recorded
for, what, 3,000 years?

And yet, you know, right now,
we're in a warm period,

but there's gonna be another
ice age very soon,

in about, say, another 3,000 years,
but that's the blink of an eye.

The rocks here were formed
400 million years ago.

400 million years ago.

It's like... where we are now,
this was a huge volcanic caldera.

This was a volcanic lake
of molten volcano,

and it was on a land mass
called Avalonia

that drifted from the South Pole
all the way to where we are now

over hundreds of million years.

We shouldn't probably go much
further just because of the light.

It's... isn't that beautiful, that?
Yeah.

I think it always looks
more beautiful in the mist.

It's like a...
It's like a Turner painting.

Let me get two tickets
for Dove Cottage.

I'm really sorry, sir, but the
last admission is five o'clock.

Right, OK, well, it's five past.

I'm really sorry, sir,
but these are the rules.

We'll be very quick.

Yes, I know, but that
really wouldn't be fair

on all the other latecomers.

So what other latecomers?
I've not seen anyone.

No, I know.
Not at the moment, but...

Please? We've come from London.
Why didn't you come earlier?

Well, that's... because
I got stuck in traffic.

Well, I'm really sorry. Perhaps
you could come back tomorrow.

Is this man troubling you?

We wondered if we could pop inside
and have a look at the cottage.

Mr Brydon?
Yes, it is.

It's very nice to meet you.
Would you do something for me?

Depends what it is.

I have a grandson,
and he loves that tiny man...

Small man in a box?
Small man in the box that you do.

Could you sign this for him?
Sure. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.
What's his name?

His name is William.

Well, look, I'll sign this
for William, OK, if...

if my friend and I
can go take a look at Dove Cottage.

What do you say?

I don't understand that.
Why do people have to be like that?

She wasn't being like anything.

It is only open
for another half an hour,

and that woman, in all fairness,
is probably bereaved.

Yeah, but why... it's not
my fault her husband's dead.

No, but you...

Old people, at some time...
not all old people,

but a lot of them...
seek out aggravation.

Oh, that's total rubbish!
She was lovely.

Looks not unlike yourself
in that picture.

OK, ready? One, two...

Want some?
Uh, no, thank you.

Sure?
Absolutely.

I never smoked.
Mm.

That's the trouble with you, Rob.
You're not open to new experiences.

Phht! I would remind you of the time
I had a Red Bull and Coke.

That's not what Coleridge
would have been imbibing.

He wouldn't have been having
a spliff, would he?

No, he wouldn't, but I mean,
if they'd been around...

He would have definitely partaken
if they'd been around.

If you really want
to pay tribute to him,

you should be having some opium.

What, that's...
Or its modern-day equivalent.

This is... well, this is...

Well, no, the modern-day
equivalent of that, that's heroin.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
I'm not a junkie, Rob.

I'm not encouraging you
to become hooked on heroin.

I'm just saying...
It sounds like you are.

I'm not. Why would I do that?
I don't know. For a laugh.

Ha-ha. It was a hell of a laugh.

Alright. You know Steve?
You seen Steve lately?

He's living at the council estate
curled up in his own shit.

Aye. That was my doing, that was.
I suggested he try heroin.

Cracking idea.
I would never do that.

Most creative people... the most
creative people smoke, you know,

smoke marijuana, smoke hash.

So I'm tucked up in bed
in my pyjamas,

my flaccid member

brushing up against Coleridge's
soft cotton sheets,

waiting to be awoken by a dusky
maiden at the end of the phone.

I need somewhere warm
to put my hand.

Well, I'll give you somewhere warm
to put your hands.

Yes, I'll be a human mitten.

Hello, I'm trapped in a box.

Help. I'm a little man...
Help. I'm a little man in a box.

Help me,
I'm a little man trapped in a box.