The Trip (2010–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Da Giovanni, San Fruttuso - full transcript
After depressing calls from home Rob and Steve get a ride on a magnificent yacht, where Rob charms attractive crew member Lucy with his impressions. More impressions inevitably follow as Rob and Steve have lunch at a beach café at San Fruttuoso before having their photos taken at Percy Shelley's house. This leads to a discussion on how the pair will be remembered in two hundred years time after which Steve reads poetry in bed whilst Rob chats to Lucy on the beach.
Hello?
'Steve, it's Rob.'
Oh, hey, hey...
'How's the show going?'
Just finished.
Just started the hiatus.
'Yeah, I know,
I spoke to your agent.
'Listen, the Observer wants us
to do more restaurant reviews -
'six lunches.' Really?
'But this time in Italy -
'la bella Italia, yeah?
'What do you think?' Well, erm...
And they'll fly you to Europe.
First class?
'No, they're offering business.'
Ciao, bellissima. Hey, how are you?
'I'm OK, sort of.
Chloe's still awake.'
What?
'I can't get her to go to sleep.'
Hello. 'Hey, Dad.'
Hey, so... Ibiza, party central.
Where are all the girls
in bikinis with whistles
round their necks,
jumping up and down?
'Yeah, all of them.'
Does she miss her papa? Stick her
on, I'll say good night to her.
'No, I don't think that will help.
'I think it'll only make
it worse, Rob.' All right.
'She's crying again. I'm sorry,
I've got to go, darling.'
'It would probably be more fun
if there were, you know,
'more people my age there,
if my friends were here.
'But, you know, they're all
off in London having fun.
'I'm stuck here by myself. I'm 16.
'Mum keeps treating
me like I'm a child.
'I'm old enough to join the army
'and according to her I'm not
old enough
'to just be at home by myself.'
Yeah, well, I think
they should raise the age level
for entry to the army, actually.
All right then, so long, love.
Bye-bye. 'Bye.' Bye.
Ciao, bellissima.
Ciao, bellissima.
Que bella ragazza.
Que bella ragazza.
Oh - huh! - ciao, bellissimo.
Que bella - yeah! - ragazza!
AS TOM JONES: # Huh, think I'd
better dance now. #
Que bella - what a beautiful -
huh, ragazza - girl.
Huh, I think you've got a
wonderful tone to your voice
and I want you on my team, oh.
Did you sleep well?
Yeah, like a baby.
I didn't. Terrible dreams.
I think it was the sound of
the waves hitting the rocks.
Awful.
What did you dream about?
I dreamt I was in a huge toilet
bowl, being constantly flushed.
Yeah, I wouldn't read
too much into that.
I mustered once on a boat,
hit a rock, yeah. Really?
I had to muster. Seriously, we had
to go up onto the deck
with our lifejackets on.
You went to, like, a muster
station with your lifejacket on?
Yes. Wow! Yes and the worst
thing about it was,
all the crew members were
running down corridors...
Oh, my God! Which is terrifying,
because you don't
ever want to see that.
No, it's like when you
see an air stewardess crying.
Yes... have you seen an
air stewardess crying?
Yeah. Nothing to do with
the flight, though, was it?
No, nothing to do with the flight.
OK. OK... right.
Permission to come aboard?
Sorry, I don't need any help...
OK. That's fine.
Great. OK?
Yeah, fine, thank you.
If you just step... yeah.
OK. Bloody hell. Palaver!
Is this the actual boat?
Cos... I was expecting
something a big bigger.
Little smaller than
I was expecting as well -
I'll be very honest with you.
Look at that! Wow!
This is our boat, Patience.
Patience is a virtue.
That is beautiful!
I can't really see
the waves so I have to...
You just have to work like a Jedi.
Trust your feeling, all right?
Just trust it.
Why don't you close your eyes,
Steve, and merely feel the waves?
A true Jedi doesn't need to see
the waves.
Is that what the Jedis do?
Yes. Because I can fight with a
light stick. They do the lightsaber.
That has got to be a violation
of health and safety!
Hi. Oh, hello. Thank you.
This is lovely.
It's a lovely boat,
a lovely way to travel.
Yeah, so, the first stop is San
Fruttuoso, where you'll have lunch.
"My soul is an enchanted boat
"Which like a sleeping
swan doth float
"Upon the silver waves
of thy sweet singing
"Thine doth like an angel sit
"Beside the helm conducting it
"While all the trees with
melody are ringing."
That's Shelley, read by Burton.
Rob can't do poems in his own voice
because he lacks conviction.
AS ALAN BENNETT: "My soul is an
enchanted boat
"Which like a sleeping swan
doth float
"Upon the silver waves
of thy sweet singing."
Are you going to have some wine?
No, thank you. Are you sure?
No, grazie. A little bit?
No.
Grazie mille. Oh, oh...
Look at this? Lovely.
50,000 Leagues Under The Sea.
It is a bit... It's very Jules Verne,
the starter, I have to say, yeah.
We're squids in.
Squids in, six quid.
Oh, I've got the squids.
Very nice, isn't she, Lucy?
Mmm.
Not the squid - Lucy.
Mmm... mmm.
Oh, oh... look at that.
Don't... Don't scare him.
Oh, you had to scare him.
"To crush a butterfly upon a wheel."
"A dream we all share."
Alexander Pope. Of course.
It's not very authentic,
though, is it?
Hanging out with some Sloane ranger.
If you look at Shelley and Byron,
they were always staying with
English people, all the expats.
That's how it was, you see.
You know, when you're in LA,
I bet you are down at Soho House
watching football on
the telly with Robbie Williams.
A - I don't like football.
'Ey! 'Ey!
BOTH: I don't like football.
B... Yeah. Be what? Be who you
are? Be true to yourself?
A - I don't like football.
B - true to yourself.
See what I did there. Yeah,
very good, you're a wordsmith.
D - 'pend on me to come up
with more of these. E...
Why'd you miss C?
I didn't, I said "C what I did
there?" You're not listening.
Oh, that is good, yeah.
Dear, dear me.
I can see why they want you for
Radio 4 panel shows. Thank you.
You're a demon.
No, I don't hang out
with Robbie Williams.
When I am in LA, I do
what Byron actually did
when he was travelling, which
was hang out with local people.
Matt Stone, Trey Parker,
Matthew Perry, Owen Wilson...
You hang out with Owen Wilson or you
occasionally work with Owen Wilson?
I know you've been
a miniature soldier with him,
but do you actually
hang out with him?
We run together on the beach.
Is he aware that you're running?
Is he running away from you? I
mean, there's a distinction here.
I could say I've been running
on the beach with Robert De Niro.
When, in fact, I'm furiously chasing
after him and he's running for his
life... What are you doing there?
Just having a little wine.
You know, when in Rome...
Wow! In Italy. I'm your enabler.
Yeah.
I'd love to talk to
some of these locals.
Byron said, "I love
the language, that bastard Latin
"That melts like kisses
from a female mouth
"It sounds as if it should be
writ on satin
"With syllables that
breathe of the sweet South."
She's nice, though, Lucy.
She's all right. She's just
a posh girl working on a boat.
She's basically the nautical
equivalent of a chalet girl.
Go round Chelsea, chuck a stick -
you'll hit ten of them.
You've been warned about that,
haven't you?
"Steve Coogan has been arrested for
"chucking sticks at
Sloane women in Chelsea."
We'd know what sort of
a story that was, right?
Yeah. Purely from the intonation.
If they say, "The actor and
comedian Steve Coogan..."
it's going to be good news. Yeah.
OK? Then there's if you've died.
Yeah. "The actor and comedian
Steve Coogan..."
The one you don't
want is this... ready?
"The actor and comedian
Steve Coogan..."
Oh, no! God, what has
he done now? Oh, my God!
See that Roman Polanski film with
Pierce Brosnan playing the prime
minister,
Tony Blair, sort of, war crimes?
It was, sort of, an Iraq war
thing, you know?
"The name's Bond, James Bond,
007 licensed to kill."
But he plays Tony Blair in this?
"My name's Blair, Tony Blair."
Tony Blair.
"Licensed to illegally
invade other countries."
I could see Roger Moore
playing Tony Blair.
AS ROGER MOORE: My name's Tony Blair,
but I don't like you, Hussein.
Now you're telling me this.
You're telling me destruction
could be launched in 45 minutes?
I don't like you one bit.
I don't like the way you stand
on the balcony wearing a beret.
AS SADDAM HUSSEIN: I wear the beret
for one reason alone. Why?
I like to impersonate Frank Spencer.
You can impersonate Frank Spencer
all you like
but it doesn't change the fact
that I think you're harbouring
weapons of mass destruction.
Wait till you hear this.
IN SAME VOICE: Oh, Betty, the cat
has done whoopsie on the carpet.
That's a terrible impersonation
of Frank Spencer, Hussein.
It's the best I can do.
I have the beret.
That must count
for something, surely?
You think I can't do Frank Spencer?
Well, listen to this.
AS FRANK SPENCER: Put is over there,
I'll mend it in the morning.
What about that then, Mr Blair?
I bet you didn't think I could do
that.
AS ROGER MOORE: I'll be very honest
with you, Saddam, I wasn't expecting
such a professional level
of impersonation.
AS SADDAM HUSSEIN: No, you weren't.
You weren't expecting it.
Have you considered touring northern
clubs in the '70s? I tried to tour
the northern clubs in the 1970s.
What happened? They said...
AS FRANK SPENCER: "No, we've
already gone with someone
who does Frank Spencer."
Grazie. Grazie.
Grazie mille. Que bel tempo oggi.
Molto bello! Si.
"Oggi" means "today".
Thank goodness for that -
I thought you were a bit forward!
You want to take her
for dinner first, mate.
Would you like some more wine?
I would. Lovely.
AS ALAN BENNETT: "Dear diary,
offered Steve more wine.
"He was quite agreeable
to the proposal,
"so I poured it confidently."
Mmm!
AMERICAN ACCENT: Oh, man! This looks
great. I adore pasta.
It's "pah-sta". You say "pah-sta".
Pah-sta, that's right, yeah.
I love pah-sta.
Steve, you got to have
some of the pah-sta.
Mmm.
OWN ACCENT: Are you happy with
Joe and Mamie being on holiday
with another man in your role?
He's not in my role.
He is, technically.
They know I'm the father.
He's... David is just this guy.
David - is that his name?
32, a yoga instructor. How old? 32.
He's 32, and he's what,
a yoga instructor? Yeah.
Are you happy with that?
He's on holiday with them now.
I'm paying for the holiday.
He doesn't have much money.
I couldn't do it.
If Sally and I ever split up,
which we will not,
but if we did, that would be
the thing that would really,
you know, break me up -
is the thought of another man
being in that role cos Chloe's
three. So, she'd have no memory
of me as the dad in the house
and she'd automatically think of him
as Dad.
That's fine. How's that fine?
That's not fine!
Wow! Grazie.
WAITRESS SPEAKS ITALIAN
Grazie mille.
Beautiful here, isn't it, eh?
La dolce vita.
Don't you think we're lucky?
In the old days,
only the aristocracy could travel.
Nowadays everyone...
everybody can afford a holiday.
Even if you're on benefits,
you can go abroad.
It's part of your human rights.
Well, it should be part
of your human rights!
I think it should be on the NHS,
but not in the summer.
You know, it should be in the winter.
When it's cheaper.
When people get vitamin D deficiency,
because of lack of sunlight. True.
Which then leads to
people getting depression,
which means they then have to
be prescribed antidepressants,
sold at exorbitant rates to the NHS,
paid for by taxpayers,
but sold at exorbitant rates by
multi-national drug companies.
And he's off on his charger!
This time taking on
the pharmaceutical companies.
Not content with bringing
the Murdoch empire to its knees,
he now turns his steely gaze
to Nurofen.
It's not Nurofen. I'm talking
about temazepam and diazepam.
You know, drug companies aren't
interested in curing cancer.
They want to prescribe long-term
medication for chronic illnesses
because that's what lines the coffers
of the shareholders.
It's a cartel, a conspiracy.
They're no better than
Colombian drug lords, frankly.
Did you ever see the film Love
and Other Drugs - Jake Gyllenhaal?
Gil-en-hall, Jill-en-hall -
how do you pronounce that?
I know Jake and Maggie.
And how do you pronounce it?
I don't know.
It was about the big pharma
conspiracy over Viagra.
Have you ever used that?
Not prescribed to me, you know,
I've used it recreationally.
Recreationally is the
only way you would use it.
Why would you use it professionally,
unless you're a porn star
or a model or an actor?
But actors can't - that's the last
thing an actor wants to use.
You're not allowed to get a hard on
if you're in a sex scene.
It's a major faux pas, frowned upon
by crews and actors alike.
So, erm...
what's it like?
Erm...
do you want me to get you
some Viagra?
Oh, I'm just asking you.
Look, I'm considering dipping my
toes in the murky waters of Viagra.
OK... it's not an aphrodisiac.
You've got to desire
the woman you're with.
Yes... well, yes, I do.
I have a three-year-old child
so, you know,
it's not the sexual Olympics in our
house, so I'm just thinking of a...
Well, it's just like a peg up.
It's like you trying to climb
over a wall and me doing that.
You'd stand in that.
I'd be uncomfortable if you were
there, I should make that clear.
Yeah, I know. It's an analogy.
Yeah, once you're over the wall,
you're on your own. Yeah.
But it's like... Take a...
I wouldn't want you in the house
at all, to be honest.
Just tell me what it's like. No, I'm
outside looking round, making sure,
keeping the coast clear.
I've given you a peg up, you go in...
OK, all right. Have sex with your
wife. Yeah, I'm comfortable now.
OK, it's like a turbo charger
on a normally aspirated engine.
WAITRESS SPEAKS ITALIAN
Si, grazie mille, grazie.
Grazie, erm, il conto,
per favore... grazie.
That's one of the nicest sounds
in the world -
the sound of water lapping, ideally
against pebbles and not sand.
A lovely sound. Is there
a nicer sound than that?
No, I don't think there is.
Birdsong?
Birdsong... depends on the
bird. Yeah, that's true.
HE SQUAWKS
Yeah, that's fair, so point taken.
IRISH ACCENT: So, welcome,
and you join us for Guess The Bill
and our contestant this week
is returning after his triumph
last week.
It's young Stephen Coogan.
Steve, welcome. Thank you.
I know you've had a super day
here at the studios with us.
Just a second. Let me just stop you
briefly to ask you what
part of Ireland you're from.
Well, I'm glad you asked, Stephen.
I've travelled all around Ireland,
hence the different tones in the
voice, but it's good of you to ask.
I like a young, inquisitive
mind. OK, I'll let it go.
All right, don't speak again.
Steve, thanks for taking an interest
in me but tonight is all about you
and I hope you're going to win
some money and take it back to that
family, who God knows have suffered
enough already
putting up with you,
you little shit.
So, here we go, and I must
take your first answer.
Is today's bill...
A - ten euro?
Is it B - 647 euro?
Or is it C - 173 euro?
And Steve, please, I must take
your first answer.
Ladies and gentlemen in the
audience, please no helping with
this young lad. C, it's C.
C, you're saying C? Yeah.
173 - is that your final answer,
Steve? Yeah, definitely.
Steve, you've done it. You've won
again, well done. You'll be coming
back next week. Give a wave to
everybody at home there, Steve.
Give a wave. The camera's over
there, you daft bugger. There it is.
Good night, everybody. We'll be back
same time next week. Keep waving.
Credits are rolling. Good night!
Watch your head already.
William, the men are not happy.
Oh, William, is it?
Not "captain" or "sir"?
You can tell the men that we will
sail around the Cape of Good Hope,
we will sail around the Horn.
You turned your back on me, man.
God damn your eyes!
God damn your eyes, man,
you turned your back on me!
He's doing Anthony Hopkins.
Don't worry, it'll pass.
You tell the men that we will
sail around the Cape of Good Hope
and sail around the Horn.
Around the Horn. The quick way
round the Horn we shall go, sir.
Damn your eyes! Damn your eyes!
You turned your back on me, man!
Don't turn your back on me!
Around the Horn we're going.
The quicker way round the Horn
we shall go.
Hey! Hi!
Oh, careful.
Not too rough for you?
No, no, it's fine.
Are you enjoying it?
Yeah, it's fantastic, wonderful.
Steve's having a little sleep.
Had a drink, so at his age
he needs a nap after lunch
or he gets confused.
How old is he?
He doesn't like me to say.
He doesn't like me to share that.
Does he drink a lot? Well...
And so this is the anchor, yeah?
Am I right? I know enough to get by.
So, this is the anchor and then
if you want to stop somewhere
you drop the sail - is that right?
Where are you from, then?
Wales, right?
Wales, South Wales, Port Talbot.
Oh, I love the accent.
Do you? Yeah, it's beautiful.
Seriously?
Yeah, it's really lyrical.
Ah, begin at the beginning.
You've just got to make
your mouth, like, begin.
To begin. Yes, but you have to push
your lips out. Begin.
SHE LAUGHS
To begin at the beginning.
To begin...
SHE LAUGHS
That sounded angry, really.
OPERA MUSIC PLAYS
It's a lovely house.
I mean, it's better
than Byron's, isn't it?
You've got a lovely balcony there.
Looking out over the bay.
See if you can get my face
and it in so it's legible.
Don't look ironic. I'm not.
It's not a flattering angle but
it's got all the information, so...
Did you like it? Was it nice?
It was busier than I was expecting.
Spoilt by tourism. Yeah.
Yeah, when Shelley lived there
it would have been deserted.
Yeah? Do you want to go
back to San Fruttuoso?
Yes. Yes? It was lovely there.
That's a lovely sight.
I'd like to show her the ropes.
I'd like to show her my rope.
Yeah, I'd like her to charm
the rope out of my basket.
I'd like to see her drop her anchor
in my Bay of Poets.
Well, she wouldn't drop her anchor,
you'd be the one with the anchor.
No, she could drop her anchor.
No, she doesn't, you drop your
anchor. You're absolutely right.
I'd like to drop my anchor
in her boat.
You're getting your metaphors
arse about tit.
Now you drop an anchor and she...
ROB LAUGHS
You nearly went over the side.
No, I didn't. You did.
I didn't. You panicked.
Yeah, all right I panicked, big deal.
You did, you completely panicked!
The panic's a survival instinct.
What would Daniel Craig have done?
He wouldn't have gone "Ohhh..."
Daniel Craig, when they
announced he was playing Bond,
he turned up on the Thames in a
speedboat wearing a lifejacket.
That's for insurance. Whereas Roger
Moore would have asked for one.
AS ROGER MOORE: Cubby, I wonder if
Bond at this stage would be wearing
a buoyancy aid of some sort.
Perhaps some wings.
Water wings... Perhaps a rubber
ring around his midriff.
Just belt and braces.
And did you get my memo
about the handrail?
Are you going to swim in, then?
I could swim in.
Yeah, right.
Watch me.
Swiss self-winding, $10,000.
MUSIC: "Um Mitternacht"
by Gustav Mahler
Superb!
This is exactly how
I imagined it, you know,
from reading about Shelley.
Sort of very simple but very
romantic in the grand sense.
Yes. Yeah?
There's something quite melancholy
about this place, isn't there?
It's like getting stranded
on a desert island.
Yeah, only not as hot.
The desert doesn't mean hot.
Desert just means there's no people
there. There's going to be water.
It just means deserted. I know
that, I know that. Don't you think
everything's melancholic once
you get to a certain age? I do.
I think you've really got to just
try and enjoy life, you know?
I mean, even your mouth starts
to naturally droop down.
No, that's relaxing.
That's just muscles relaxing.
Garrison Keeler said,
"When you're under 40,
"seeming unhappy makes
you look interesting.
"But once you're 40 and beyond,
you've got to do everything
"you can to smile, otherwise you
just look like a grumpy old man."
Morrissey.
Byron was famously gloomy.
Come and have a drink.
OK.
Yep, I've still got it.
A bit shocked, aren't you?
Not really - I've always told
you that it was a possibility.
You know, so you're an acquired
taste, but, you know...
What will people remember of us
in 200 years' time?
Er...
I don't think we'll be remembered,
to be honest with you.
No.
I mean, if... There's a big if.
If we are...
..either of us are remembered,
I would say that it would
probably be me.
What would they most remember?
What would be celebrated
about you, do you think?
Six BAFTAs.
You've got five BAFTAs.
Yeah, but I'll probably get
a lifetime achievement.
True. If I survive.
You could have it posthumously.
I like to think if you
did win it posthumously,
I'd be the one to accept it
on your behalf.
Unless, of course, if I was
the architect of your death,
in which case I'd still like to
receive it from my cell
via satellite link.
Thrilled to have this. Er...
you know, I killed Steve
for the good of mankind.
Do I regret what I've done?
Not really, because I think
the world's... Lights out!
I've got to go.
Brydon, lights out, you nonce.
Yeah, that's not what I'm in for,
but I accept it as a
general derogatory term.
DEEP VOICE: Come on, Rob,
come to bed.
All right, Melvyn, I'll be a minute.
Anyway, that's all from me.
I want a cuddle.
Yes, all right, I'll give you
a cuddle. Please just wait.
Erm, so anyway, on Steve's behalf,
thanks for this.
He would have loved it
but, you know, he's gone.
Come on. Yeah, all right. I'm horny!
I want to go on the inside... of
the bed, of the bed, of the bed.
Not the inside of the inmate.
The inside of the bed.
Did you see this?
Michael Winner's memorial service.
And Michael Caine and
Roger Moore were sat there,
the two of them, and they
looked old, cos they are old.
AS MICHAEL CAINE: I don't think
we've ever been this old, Rog,
I'll be very honest with you.
AS ROGER MOORE: We've 'ad a pretty
good innings, though, Michael.
You just dropped your H, Rog.
Why was that? That's not like you.
You just said "We've 'ad
a very good innings, Michael."
What's the matter, Roger?
I'm Michael, you're Roger.
I haven't the time, Michael.
I really haven't the time.
I'll tell you the time, Rog.
It's getting late.
Do you take my meaning?
Oh, Michael, do you remember back
in '88 when we made "Bullseye!"?
Ah, glory days. Happy days.
Tragically superseded by
the television version of Bullseye.
With Jim Bowen?
With the great James Bowen.
180!
I would have loved to have you in
as the voice of the scores,
it would have been lovely.
There's only one word
for that - magic darts.
I mean, I think if you and me had
been doing Bullseye together...
There's only one word for that -
magic darts.
Yeah, there's only one word for
that - magic darts. Magic darts.
There's only one word for that -
magic darts.
There's only one word for that -
magic darts.
There's only one word for that,
Master Bruce - magic darts.
Thank you very much, I haven't
been playing for long.
I'd better go and call Jo.
See you in a bit.
'This person's phone is switched off.
'Please try later or send a text.'
So, how did you end up here?
My boyfriend had a boat.
We sailed together.
Then when we broke up I had to find
work, so I got a job on the crew.
It must be fun.
Sometimes.
Do you have children?
No, I wish I did. Do you?
Yeah, I've got a daughter, Chloe.
She's three.
Aw!
She is gorgeous.
Do you miss her? Yeah.
It's been two days, so I'm...
I'm not pining but...
POSH ACCENT: "Is thy face, like thy
mother's, fair, my child!
"Chloe, sole daughter
of my house and heart.
"When last I saw thy young blue eyes
they smiled and then we parted."
Is that your Hugh Grant impression?
Yes, I'm afraid it is, yes, yes.
I think that Steve's
absolutely right,
I do find it very difficult to -
oh, gosh, crikey - say a poem
unless it's in somebody else's
voice. And Hugh just happened to
be passing, you know, on the beach,
and he popped over for a blow.
..by blow account of
what was going on.
"Sorrow is knowledge:
They who know the most
"Must mourn the deepest
oe'r the fatal truth
"The tree of Knowledge
is not that of Life."
'Steve, it's Rob.'
Oh, hey, hey...
'How's the show going?'
Just finished.
Just started the hiatus.
'Yeah, I know,
I spoke to your agent.
'Listen, the Observer wants us
to do more restaurant reviews -
'six lunches.' Really?
'But this time in Italy -
'la bella Italia, yeah?
'What do you think?' Well, erm...
And they'll fly you to Europe.
First class?
'No, they're offering business.'
Ciao, bellissima. Hey, how are you?
'I'm OK, sort of.
Chloe's still awake.'
What?
'I can't get her to go to sleep.'
Hello. 'Hey, Dad.'
Hey, so... Ibiza, party central.
Where are all the girls
in bikinis with whistles
round their necks,
jumping up and down?
'Yeah, all of them.'
Does she miss her papa? Stick her
on, I'll say good night to her.
'No, I don't think that will help.
'I think it'll only make
it worse, Rob.' All right.
'She's crying again. I'm sorry,
I've got to go, darling.'
'It would probably be more fun
if there were, you know,
'more people my age there,
if my friends were here.
'But, you know, they're all
off in London having fun.
'I'm stuck here by myself. I'm 16.
'Mum keeps treating
me like I'm a child.
'I'm old enough to join the army
'and according to her I'm not
old enough
'to just be at home by myself.'
Yeah, well, I think
they should raise the age level
for entry to the army, actually.
All right then, so long, love.
Bye-bye. 'Bye.' Bye.
Ciao, bellissima.
Ciao, bellissima.
Que bella ragazza.
Que bella ragazza.
Oh - huh! - ciao, bellissimo.
Que bella - yeah! - ragazza!
AS TOM JONES: # Huh, think I'd
better dance now. #
Que bella - what a beautiful -
huh, ragazza - girl.
Huh, I think you've got a
wonderful tone to your voice
and I want you on my team, oh.
Did you sleep well?
Yeah, like a baby.
I didn't. Terrible dreams.
I think it was the sound of
the waves hitting the rocks.
Awful.
What did you dream about?
I dreamt I was in a huge toilet
bowl, being constantly flushed.
Yeah, I wouldn't read
too much into that.
I mustered once on a boat,
hit a rock, yeah. Really?
I had to muster. Seriously, we had
to go up onto the deck
with our lifejackets on.
You went to, like, a muster
station with your lifejacket on?
Yes. Wow! Yes and the worst
thing about it was,
all the crew members were
running down corridors...
Oh, my God! Which is terrifying,
because you don't
ever want to see that.
No, it's like when you
see an air stewardess crying.
Yes... have you seen an
air stewardess crying?
Yeah. Nothing to do with
the flight, though, was it?
No, nothing to do with the flight.
OK. OK... right.
Permission to come aboard?
Sorry, I don't need any help...
OK. That's fine.
Great. OK?
Yeah, fine, thank you.
If you just step... yeah.
OK. Bloody hell. Palaver!
Is this the actual boat?
Cos... I was expecting
something a big bigger.
Little smaller than
I was expecting as well -
I'll be very honest with you.
Look at that! Wow!
This is our boat, Patience.
Patience is a virtue.
That is beautiful!
I can't really see
the waves so I have to...
You just have to work like a Jedi.
Trust your feeling, all right?
Just trust it.
Why don't you close your eyes,
Steve, and merely feel the waves?
A true Jedi doesn't need to see
the waves.
Is that what the Jedis do?
Yes. Because I can fight with a
light stick. They do the lightsaber.
That has got to be a violation
of health and safety!
Hi. Oh, hello. Thank you.
This is lovely.
It's a lovely boat,
a lovely way to travel.
Yeah, so, the first stop is San
Fruttuoso, where you'll have lunch.
"My soul is an enchanted boat
"Which like a sleeping
swan doth float
"Upon the silver waves
of thy sweet singing
"Thine doth like an angel sit
"Beside the helm conducting it
"While all the trees with
melody are ringing."
That's Shelley, read by Burton.
Rob can't do poems in his own voice
because he lacks conviction.
AS ALAN BENNETT: "My soul is an
enchanted boat
"Which like a sleeping swan
doth float
"Upon the silver waves
of thy sweet singing."
Are you going to have some wine?
No, thank you. Are you sure?
No, grazie. A little bit?
No.
Grazie mille. Oh, oh...
Look at this? Lovely.
50,000 Leagues Under The Sea.
It is a bit... It's very Jules Verne,
the starter, I have to say, yeah.
We're squids in.
Squids in, six quid.
Oh, I've got the squids.
Very nice, isn't she, Lucy?
Mmm.
Not the squid - Lucy.
Mmm... mmm.
Oh, oh... look at that.
Don't... Don't scare him.
Oh, you had to scare him.
"To crush a butterfly upon a wheel."
"A dream we all share."
Alexander Pope. Of course.
It's not very authentic,
though, is it?
Hanging out with some Sloane ranger.
If you look at Shelley and Byron,
they were always staying with
English people, all the expats.
That's how it was, you see.
You know, when you're in LA,
I bet you are down at Soho House
watching football on
the telly with Robbie Williams.
A - I don't like football.
'Ey! 'Ey!
BOTH: I don't like football.
B... Yeah. Be what? Be who you
are? Be true to yourself?
A - I don't like football.
B - true to yourself.
See what I did there. Yeah,
very good, you're a wordsmith.
D - 'pend on me to come up
with more of these. E...
Why'd you miss C?
I didn't, I said "C what I did
there?" You're not listening.
Oh, that is good, yeah.
Dear, dear me.
I can see why they want you for
Radio 4 panel shows. Thank you.
You're a demon.
No, I don't hang out
with Robbie Williams.
When I am in LA, I do
what Byron actually did
when he was travelling, which
was hang out with local people.
Matt Stone, Trey Parker,
Matthew Perry, Owen Wilson...
You hang out with Owen Wilson or you
occasionally work with Owen Wilson?
I know you've been
a miniature soldier with him,
but do you actually
hang out with him?
We run together on the beach.
Is he aware that you're running?
Is he running away from you? I
mean, there's a distinction here.
I could say I've been running
on the beach with Robert De Niro.
When, in fact, I'm furiously chasing
after him and he's running for his
life... What are you doing there?
Just having a little wine.
You know, when in Rome...
Wow! In Italy. I'm your enabler.
Yeah.
I'd love to talk to
some of these locals.
Byron said, "I love
the language, that bastard Latin
"That melts like kisses
from a female mouth
"It sounds as if it should be
writ on satin
"With syllables that
breathe of the sweet South."
She's nice, though, Lucy.
She's all right. She's just
a posh girl working on a boat.
She's basically the nautical
equivalent of a chalet girl.
Go round Chelsea, chuck a stick -
you'll hit ten of them.
You've been warned about that,
haven't you?
"Steve Coogan has been arrested for
"chucking sticks at
Sloane women in Chelsea."
We'd know what sort of
a story that was, right?
Yeah. Purely from the intonation.
If they say, "The actor and
comedian Steve Coogan..."
it's going to be good news. Yeah.
OK? Then there's if you've died.
Yeah. "The actor and comedian
Steve Coogan..."
The one you don't
want is this... ready?
"The actor and comedian
Steve Coogan..."
Oh, no! God, what has
he done now? Oh, my God!
See that Roman Polanski film with
Pierce Brosnan playing the prime
minister,
Tony Blair, sort of, war crimes?
It was, sort of, an Iraq war
thing, you know?
"The name's Bond, James Bond,
007 licensed to kill."
But he plays Tony Blair in this?
"My name's Blair, Tony Blair."
Tony Blair.
"Licensed to illegally
invade other countries."
I could see Roger Moore
playing Tony Blair.
AS ROGER MOORE: My name's Tony Blair,
but I don't like you, Hussein.
Now you're telling me this.
You're telling me destruction
could be launched in 45 minutes?
I don't like you one bit.
I don't like the way you stand
on the balcony wearing a beret.
AS SADDAM HUSSEIN: I wear the beret
for one reason alone. Why?
I like to impersonate Frank Spencer.
You can impersonate Frank Spencer
all you like
but it doesn't change the fact
that I think you're harbouring
weapons of mass destruction.
Wait till you hear this.
IN SAME VOICE: Oh, Betty, the cat
has done whoopsie on the carpet.
That's a terrible impersonation
of Frank Spencer, Hussein.
It's the best I can do.
I have the beret.
That must count
for something, surely?
You think I can't do Frank Spencer?
Well, listen to this.
AS FRANK SPENCER: Put is over there,
I'll mend it in the morning.
What about that then, Mr Blair?
I bet you didn't think I could do
that.
AS ROGER MOORE: I'll be very honest
with you, Saddam, I wasn't expecting
such a professional level
of impersonation.
AS SADDAM HUSSEIN: No, you weren't.
You weren't expecting it.
Have you considered touring northern
clubs in the '70s? I tried to tour
the northern clubs in the 1970s.
What happened? They said...
AS FRANK SPENCER: "No, we've
already gone with someone
who does Frank Spencer."
Grazie. Grazie.
Grazie mille. Que bel tempo oggi.
Molto bello! Si.
"Oggi" means "today".
Thank goodness for that -
I thought you were a bit forward!
You want to take her
for dinner first, mate.
Would you like some more wine?
I would. Lovely.
AS ALAN BENNETT: "Dear diary,
offered Steve more wine.
"He was quite agreeable
to the proposal,
"so I poured it confidently."
Mmm!
AMERICAN ACCENT: Oh, man! This looks
great. I adore pasta.
It's "pah-sta". You say "pah-sta".
Pah-sta, that's right, yeah.
I love pah-sta.
Steve, you got to have
some of the pah-sta.
Mmm.
OWN ACCENT: Are you happy with
Joe and Mamie being on holiday
with another man in your role?
He's not in my role.
He is, technically.
They know I'm the father.
He's... David is just this guy.
David - is that his name?
32, a yoga instructor. How old? 32.
He's 32, and he's what,
a yoga instructor? Yeah.
Are you happy with that?
He's on holiday with them now.
I'm paying for the holiday.
He doesn't have much money.
I couldn't do it.
If Sally and I ever split up,
which we will not,
but if we did, that would be
the thing that would really,
you know, break me up -
is the thought of another man
being in that role cos Chloe's
three. So, she'd have no memory
of me as the dad in the house
and she'd automatically think of him
as Dad.
That's fine. How's that fine?
That's not fine!
Wow! Grazie.
WAITRESS SPEAKS ITALIAN
Grazie mille.
Beautiful here, isn't it, eh?
La dolce vita.
Don't you think we're lucky?
In the old days,
only the aristocracy could travel.
Nowadays everyone...
everybody can afford a holiday.
Even if you're on benefits,
you can go abroad.
It's part of your human rights.
Well, it should be part
of your human rights!
I think it should be on the NHS,
but not in the summer.
You know, it should be in the winter.
When it's cheaper.
When people get vitamin D deficiency,
because of lack of sunlight. True.
Which then leads to
people getting depression,
which means they then have to
be prescribed antidepressants,
sold at exorbitant rates to the NHS,
paid for by taxpayers,
but sold at exorbitant rates by
multi-national drug companies.
And he's off on his charger!
This time taking on
the pharmaceutical companies.
Not content with bringing
the Murdoch empire to its knees,
he now turns his steely gaze
to Nurofen.
It's not Nurofen. I'm talking
about temazepam and diazepam.
You know, drug companies aren't
interested in curing cancer.
They want to prescribe long-term
medication for chronic illnesses
because that's what lines the coffers
of the shareholders.
It's a cartel, a conspiracy.
They're no better than
Colombian drug lords, frankly.
Did you ever see the film Love
and Other Drugs - Jake Gyllenhaal?
Gil-en-hall, Jill-en-hall -
how do you pronounce that?
I know Jake and Maggie.
And how do you pronounce it?
I don't know.
It was about the big pharma
conspiracy over Viagra.
Have you ever used that?
Not prescribed to me, you know,
I've used it recreationally.
Recreationally is the
only way you would use it.
Why would you use it professionally,
unless you're a porn star
or a model or an actor?
But actors can't - that's the last
thing an actor wants to use.
You're not allowed to get a hard on
if you're in a sex scene.
It's a major faux pas, frowned upon
by crews and actors alike.
So, erm...
what's it like?
Erm...
do you want me to get you
some Viagra?
Oh, I'm just asking you.
Look, I'm considering dipping my
toes in the murky waters of Viagra.
OK... it's not an aphrodisiac.
You've got to desire
the woman you're with.
Yes... well, yes, I do.
I have a three-year-old child
so, you know,
it's not the sexual Olympics in our
house, so I'm just thinking of a...
Well, it's just like a peg up.
It's like you trying to climb
over a wall and me doing that.
You'd stand in that.
I'd be uncomfortable if you were
there, I should make that clear.
Yeah, I know. It's an analogy.
Yeah, once you're over the wall,
you're on your own. Yeah.
But it's like... Take a...
I wouldn't want you in the house
at all, to be honest.
Just tell me what it's like. No, I'm
outside looking round, making sure,
keeping the coast clear.
I've given you a peg up, you go in...
OK, all right. Have sex with your
wife. Yeah, I'm comfortable now.
OK, it's like a turbo charger
on a normally aspirated engine.
WAITRESS SPEAKS ITALIAN
Si, grazie mille, grazie.
Grazie, erm, il conto,
per favore... grazie.
That's one of the nicest sounds
in the world -
the sound of water lapping, ideally
against pebbles and not sand.
A lovely sound. Is there
a nicer sound than that?
No, I don't think there is.
Birdsong?
Birdsong... depends on the
bird. Yeah, that's true.
HE SQUAWKS
Yeah, that's fair, so point taken.
IRISH ACCENT: So, welcome,
and you join us for Guess The Bill
and our contestant this week
is returning after his triumph
last week.
It's young Stephen Coogan.
Steve, welcome. Thank you.
I know you've had a super day
here at the studios with us.
Just a second. Let me just stop you
briefly to ask you what
part of Ireland you're from.
Well, I'm glad you asked, Stephen.
I've travelled all around Ireland,
hence the different tones in the
voice, but it's good of you to ask.
I like a young, inquisitive
mind. OK, I'll let it go.
All right, don't speak again.
Steve, thanks for taking an interest
in me but tonight is all about you
and I hope you're going to win
some money and take it back to that
family, who God knows have suffered
enough already
putting up with you,
you little shit.
So, here we go, and I must
take your first answer.
Is today's bill...
A - ten euro?
Is it B - 647 euro?
Or is it C - 173 euro?
And Steve, please, I must take
your first answer.
Ladies and gentlemen in the
audience, please no helping with
this young lad. C, it's C.
C, you're saying C? Yeah.
173 - is that your final answer,
Steve? Yeah, definitely.
Steve, you've done it. You've won
again, well done. You'll be coming
back next week. Give a wave to
everybody at home there, Steve.
Give a wave. The camera's over
there, you daft bugger. There it is.
Good night, everybody. We'll be back
same time next week. Keep waving.
Credits are rolling. Good night!
Watch your head already.
William, the men are not happy.
Oh, William, is it?
Not "captain" or "sir"?
You can tell the men that we will
sail around the Cape of Good Hope,
we will sail around the Horn.
You turned your back on me, man.
God damn your eyes!
God damn your eyes, man,
you turned your back on me!
He's doing Anthony Hopkins.
Don't worry, it'll pass.
You tell the men that we will
sail around the Cape of Good Hope
and sail around the Horn.
Around the Horn. The quick way
round the Horn we shall go, sir.
Damn your eyes! Damn your eyes!
You turned your back on me, man!
Don't turn your back on me!
Around the Horn we're going.
The quicker way round the Horn
we shall go.
Hey! Hi!
Oh, careful.
Not too rough for you?
No, no, it's fine.
Are you enjoying it?
Yeah, it's fantastic, wonderful.
Steve's having a little sleep.
Had a drink, so at his age
he needs a nap after lunch
or he gets confused.
How old is he?
He doesn't like me to say.
He doesn't like me to share that.
Does he drink a lot? Well...
And so this is the anchor, yeah?
Am I right? I know enough to get by.
So, this is the anchor and then
if you want to stop somewhere
you drop the sail - is that right?
Where are you from, then?
Wales, right?
Wales, South Wales, Port Talbot.
Oh, I love the accent.
Do you? Yeah, it's beautiful.
Seriously?
Yeah, it's really lyrical.
Ah, begin at the beginning.
You've just got to make
your mouth, like, begin.
To begin. Yes, but you have to push
your lips out. Begin.
SHE LAUGHS
To begin at the beginning.
To begin...
SHE LAUGHS
That sounded angry, really.
OPERA MUSIC PLAYS
It's a lovely house.
I mean, it's better
than Byron's, isn't it?
You've got a lovely balcony there.
Looking out over the bay.
See if you can get my face
and it in so it's legible.
Don't look ironic. I'm not.
It's not a flattering angle but
it's got all the information, so...
Did you like it? Was it nice?
It was busier than I was expecting.
Spoilt by tourism. Yeah.
Yeah, when Shelley lived there
it would have been deserted.
Yeah? Do you want to go
back to San Fruttuoso?
Yes. Yes? It was lovely there.
That's a lovely sight.
I'd like to show her the ropes.
I'd like to show her my rope.
Yeah, I'd like her to charm
the rope out of my basket.
I'd like to see her drop her anchor
in my Bay of Poets.
Well, she wouldn't drop her anchor,
you'd be the one with the anchor.
No, she could drop her anchor.
No, she doesn't, you drop your
anchor. You're absolutely right.
I'd like to drop my anchor
in her boat.
You're getting your metaphors
arse about tit.
Now you drop an anchor and she...
ROB LAUGHS
You nearly went over the side.
No, I didn't. You did.
I didn't. You panicked.
Yeah, all right I panicked, big deal.
You did, you completely panicked!
The panic's a survival instinct.
What would Daniel Craig have done?
He wouldn't have gone "Ohhh..."
Daniel Craig, when they
announced he was playing Bond,
he turned up on the Thames in a
speedboat wearing a lifejacket.
That's for insurance. Whereas Roger
Moore would have asked for one.
AS ROGER MOORE: Cubby, I wonder if
Bond at this stage would be wearing
a buoyancy aid of some sort.
Perhaps some wings.
Water wings... Perhaps a rubber
ring around his midriff.
Just belt and braces.
And did you get my memo
about the handrail?
Are you going to swim in, then?
I could swim in.
Yeah, right.
Watch me.
Swiss self-winding, $10,000.
MUSIC: "Um Mitternacht"
by Gustav Mahler
Superb!
This is exactly how
I imagined it, you know,
from reading about Shelley.
Sort of very simple but very
romantic in the grand sense.
Yes. Yeah?
There's something quite melancholy
about this place, isn't there?
It's like getting stranded
on a desert island.
Yeah, only not as hot.
The desert doesn't mean hot.
Desert just means there's no people
there. There's going to be water.
It just means deserted. I know
that, I know that. Don't you think
everything's melancholic once
you get to a certain age? I do.
I think you've really got to just
try and enjoy life, you know?
I mean, even your mouth starts
to naturally droop down.
No, that's relaxing.
That's just muscles relaxing.
Garrison Keeler said,
"When you're under 40,
"seeming unhappy makes
you look interesting.
"But once you're 40 and beyond,
you've got to do everything
"you can to smile, otherwise you
just look like a grumpy old man."
Morrissey.
Byron was famously gloomy.
Come and have a drink.
OK.
Yep, I've still got it.
A bit shocked, aren't you?
Not really - I've always told
you that it was a possibility.
You know, so you're an acquired
taste, but, you know...
What will people remember of us
in 200 years' time?
Er...
I don't think we'll be remembered,
to be honest with you.
No.
I mean, if... There's a big if.
If we are...
..either of us are remembered,
I would say that it would
probably be me.
What would they most remember?
What would be celebrated
about you, do you think?
Six BAFTAs.
You've got five BAFTAs.
Yeah, but I'll probably get
a lifetime achievement.
True. If I survive.
You could have it posthumously.
I like to think if you
did win it posthumously,
I'd be the one to accept it
on your behalf.
Unless, of course, if I was
the architect of your death,
in which case I'd still like to
receive it from my cell
via satellite link.
Thrilled to have this. Er...
you know, I killed Steve
for the good of mankind.
Do I regret what I've done?
Not really, because I think
the world's... Lights out!
I've got to go.
Brydon, lights out, you nonce.
Yeah, that's not what I'm in for,
but I accept it as a
general derogatory term.
DEEP VOICE: Come on, Rob,
come to bed.
All right, Melvyn, I'll be a minute.
Anyway, that's all from me.
I want a cuddle.
Yes, all right, I'll give you
a cuddle. Please just wait.
Erm, so anyway, on Steve's behalf,
thanks for this.
He would have loved it
but, you know, he's gone.
Come on. Yeah, all right. I'm horny!
I want to go on the inside... of
the bed, of the bed, of the bed.
Not the inside of the inmate.
The inside of the bed.
Did you see this?
Michael Winner's memorial service.
And Michael Caine and
Roger Moore were sat there,
the two of them, and they
looked old, cos they are old.
AS MICHAEL CAINE: I don't think
we've ever been this old, Rog,
I'll be very honest with you.
AS ROGER MOORE: We've 'ad a pretty
good innings, though, Michael.
You just dropped your H, Rog.
Why was that? That's not like you.
You just said "We've 'ad
a very good innings, Michael."
What's the matter, Roger?
I'm Michael, you're Roger.
I haven't the time, Michael.
I really haven't the time.
I'll tell you the time, Rog.
It's getting late.
Do you take my meaning?
Oh, Michael, do you remember back
in '88 when we made "Bullseye!"?
Ah, glory days. Happy days.
Tragically superseded by
the television version of Bullseye.
With Jim Bowen?
With the great James Bowen.
180!
I would have loved to have you in
as the voice of the scores,
it would have been lovely.
There's only one word
for that - magic darts.
I mean, I think if you and me had
been doing Bullseye together...
There's only one word for that -
magic darts.
Yeah, there's only one word for
that - magic darts. Magic darts.
There's only one word for that -
magic darts.
There's only one word for that -
magic darts.
There's only one word for that,
Master Bruce - magic darts.
Thank you very much, I haven't
been playing for long.
I'd better go and call Jo.
See you in a bit.
'This person's phone is switched off.
'Please try later or send a text.'
So, how did you end up here?
My boyfriend had a boat.
We sailed together.
Then when we broke up I had to find
work, so I got a job on the crew.
It must be fun.
Sometimes.
Do you have children?
No, I wish I did. Do you?
Yeah, I've got a daughter, Chloe.
She's three.
Aw!
She is gorgeous.
Do you miss her? Yeah.
It's been two days, so I'm...
I'm not pining but...
POSH ACCENT: "Is thy face, like thy
mother's, fair, my child!
"Chloe, sole daughter
of my house and heart.
"When last I saw thy young blue eyes
they smiled and then we parted."
Is that your Hugh Grant impression?
Yes, I'm afraid it is, yes, yes.
I think that Steve's
absolutely right,
I do find it very difficult to -
oh, gosh, crikey - say a poem
unless it's in somebody else's
voice. And Hugh just happened to
be passing, you know, on the beach,
and he popped over for a blow.
..by blow account of
what was going on.
"Sorrow is knowledge:
They who know the most
"Must mourn the deepest
oe'r the fatal truth
"The tree of Knowledge
is not that of Life."