The Thick of It (2005–2012): Season 4, Episode 1 - Episode #4.1 - full transcript

Of course I know it's our
anniversary. What do you think the
card was for?

I left it on the kitchen table.

Oh right. My bad, as they say.

You're a very tidy man, aren't you?

There's no happiness without order.

It's a Nazi quote but
it stands the test of time.

When is Peter getting in? That nurse
is becoming a bit of a running sore

which is ironic.
Tickle? Mr Tickle?

Mr Tickel. He's not still
in his fucking tent is he?

I know we only have
one anniversary a year.

There's a clue in the name,
I did do classics.



I'm not being chippy, it's a fact.

I'm saying Tickel. Tickle.

It undermines him. If we say Tickle
it makes him look stupid.

I was at school with a guy called
Timothy Burr. Either change school

or change your name, but don't get
your mum to ring my mum and complain

about the lumberjack jokes.
Why was she complaining?
Err... Timothy Burr, Tim Burr.

I can't leave before
my coalition partner.

Fergus, I told you.

Well, I say partner.
He's Lewis, I'm Morse.

I hate to ask but I've got to ask.
Are you ready for today, Fergus?

Yeah, somewhat.

Silicon Playgrounds are... is go.

I just hope Mannion keeps his
baccy stained fingers out of it.

Don't worry about Mannion.



He's allergic to the 21st century.

Yeah, he didn't like the 20th much
and the 19th makes him fart papyrus.

I think I'd better end this call now
in case I get a brain tumour.

Precisely. I'd lose all my lovely
thick hair. Can't wait for later.

What?

Yes. The whole protest is really
taking off. It's a sensible policy.

If we sell off
NHS key worker housing,

we can pay off the PFI debts.
We haven't made him live in a tent,
just sold his house.

The cold winter will finish him off.
He's like bindweed.

Well, you know I can be romantic.

Haven't we... Oh, piss.
Christ, I've been spotted.

Peter. Can we talk Tickle?

I'd love to, but I think Fergus
was asking for you,

something about Silicon?

OK, well. Tickle you later.

Oh, she just made eyes at me.

God, I wish I could make
redundancy at her.

OK, so we've got 30 of these
bigger phones,

another 50 of those, these will stay
outside dotted around. Morning!

Big day for the reception class.
Well done you.

Ah. Oh, I'm not sure
"App-ortunity" works.

Yes it does.

It combines app and opportunity.

(Yes, I know that.)

Just looks like a team name
from The Apprentice.

As you can see, Terri, I'm noting
down every one of your comments.

Excuse me,

you asked to see me for the launch
of Silicon Playgrounds, no?

I have never asked to see you.

Terri, don't worry about us.
Go and help Malfoy and his dad.

Thanks, Ridgley.

I don't get it.

Andrew Ridgley, Wham.
Hitched A Ride?

Oh, contemporary reference.
Yeah. Yeah, very up to date.

Bit like your hair. What is it you
ask for? The Disney Prince?

What do you ask for? Err...
The...wanker?

Brilliant. Oh, forgot to tell you,
sorry. Stewart's popping in.

Fuck me. What's the Last Airbender
want? He needs the... Excuse me!

Oh, Jesus, this came through
yesterday.

Yes, well, it came at 6:05.

I turn off all my work
devices at six.

After that, it's me,
the Kindle and Jodi Picoult.

Silicone Playgrounds project
cleared for uplaunch.

Boom!

Hello, century 21.

We get kids to create apps
in schools,

we pay them a digital dividend,
we foster a new generation
of entrepreneurs.

Sounds like that third
Tron film no one's waiting for.
We'd better tell Peter.

Well, we could celebrate it
at another time.

Technically, and thrillingly,
it'll be our anniversary all year!

Oh, sorry darling
I've got to go.

I think the bailiffs are here
take my will to live.

Fergus, my coalition colleague stroke
junior, big day for you.

Every day is a big day for me,

that's why I get here
an hour before you.

I'm afraid the human snowman
is coming in...now.

Stewart! Great. Ah, if it isn't
Raffles the gentleman MP.

Why are you coming in together?
Something we should know about?

We were married in Vegas, didn't you
know? We're really happy.

OK, everyone. Meeting room, now.

Terri, could you get someone
to bring me some chai?

I'm parched as a cuttlefish.

Oh for fuck's sake.

OK, folks. Today's headline in
Copperplate Gothic Bold, font 72,

is Emma and I broke the fast this AM
with the PM.

And it is a massive yes. So our
Silicon Playground initiative

is going to be the standard bearer
for the Networked Nation.

It is a double double win.
A double win for both babies
of the coalition.

Absolutely. It's win squared.
Terrific.

What, shall we do a Mexican
wave around the table?

From my POV, re all this, big
hurrah, we're ready to upload,

ie, let's launch the fucker.

I'm registering your energy Fergus,
but we've decided it's going
to be launched by...

the Secretary of State for
Social Affairs and Citizenship.

Oooh... All my gallstones have come
at once.

Are you fucking serious?
What is wrong with you people?

Peter can't even right click
a fucking mouse.

He can. It's track pads
he has a problem with.

No, you come in here,
like, Dr Robotnik,

and say "Oh, I'm sorry."

We put in the graft on this.
You can't just take it off us.

I think we can, you see... We can.

Coalition's like a band.
Every band has a front man.

He's Florence and you're...
The Machine. The Machine.

Sorry I'm late, guys. I was just
changing in a phone booth.

Ha ha ha. Was that a joke or...?
Yeah, no, I was on the phone.

Hey, Fergus, you look a bit A&E,
everything all right?

No. Mannion is announcing Silicon
Playgrounds on Stewart's orders.

PM's orders. What?

Hang on a moment.
This is demarcation stuff.

This is fourth sector, right?

And I am the fourth sector guru.

I've been on Team Fergus on this,
you know?

Me and the Inbetweeners.

The what? The what? Sorry?

You know that's what we call you.

We did all the work on this, us.
We're a team, we did it.

And now you say we're playing
a new game,

pass the parcel,
and he gets to unwrap it?

I don't think so.
This is bollocks, Stewart.

Come on, calm down.
Just a second.

Just leave it, leave it.

He's going to have a heart attack,
look at him.

Will we cope? Can we even carry on?

Oh, it doesn't seem to have
changed anything.

The top line, folks, is this.
It's about coalition, remember.

This is not about coalition,

this is about you nicking our ideas
and doing us up the Eurotunnel.

You're a couple of homeless guys
we've invited to Christmas dinner.

Don't bitch cos we don't let you
carve the turkey. Let me say it
simply for you, Stewart.

I don't understand
the Networked Nation

and the Silicon fucking Playground,

gigabits, people watching
television on telephones.

For what it's worth, I think Fergus
should carve this particular turkey.

There you go.

Peter, the Networked Nation
is about harnessing

the interconnectivity of everyone
in society.

It's a new way of thinking.

Innovation, self-investment,
revenue flux, growth,

ergo a healthy network.

What's so complicated about that?

All the words you just used.
Oh, Christ.

Here comes Dennis Norden.
Oh, he brought his laughter file.

I don't know if this is any use,

but it might give you some idea
of the scale of the problem.

Look, I think we're about
done here, yeah?

OK, let's wrap this up.

Am I in some kind of ghost story?
I've been hit by a bus

and no-one can see me any more?

Everyone's really loving
your energy.

Why don't you pilot the staff cuts?

Let Peter go down to the school,

bounce some ideas off the wall,
see if the kids like the echo.

So, Peter gets to announce
Silicon Playgrounds,

I get the elephants' graveyard.

I could terminate some of the staff
here using combat techniques.

Where are we actually on staff cuts?
Is there a shortlist at all?

Phil has a staff cuts dossier
with maps and charts and everything.

I saw a guy out there who takes
three shits an hour. That's not
biologically possible.

Well, that's Graham.
He has Crohn's disease.

I have a very short concise brief on
Silicon. I can just email it to you.

Put it on a piece of paper
and I'll read it.

One piece, we don't need that.

Glenn, you look like a week-old
party balloon.

Yeah, don't worry about me, Terri,
I'm fine.

I just don't want you ending up
as one of those, "Before he turned
the gun on himself," kind of guys.

That isn't going to happen, Terri,
because I don't even possess a gun.

Is that all that's stopping you,
lack of resources?

Ah, Peter,
I'm expecting great things.

Then you're an idiot.
Laters, legislators.

The only way this policy launch
could be worse is if I
understood the bloody thing.

I'm going to put the old tea
cauldron on. Anybody fancy a brew?

Risk of sounding like your mum.
Time for school.

You need to get to this meeting.
I hate school children.

They're volatile and stupid
and haven't got the vote.

Might as well be talking
to fucking geese.

The school's only ten minutes
from your house. Pop round
for a late lunch.

Not much of a celebration. "Hello,
darling, make me a Cup-a-soup."

I need a thoughtful, very personal
present for Tina. Any ideas?

Err... what about
sexy undergarments?

No.

Perfume. What perfume does she wear?

No idea. Expensive,
smells a bit of lemons.

I do really need a comment on
this Tickel protest, please.

OK.

"As we enter the third week, I
find Mr Tickle's attention seeking,

"tent-based twattery even more
annoying than in weeks one and two."

I can't actually say that. Really?

Then by implication you know what
you can say, so say that instead.

All right. I'll channel you.

Channel me?

She's really quite predatory,
isn't she?

Who? Terri's Clockwork Orange?
That's what I call her.

For the other lady in your life.
Where did you get that?

It was in my desk. I was saving it
for something special.
Like losing your virginity?

I've done that in style,
actually. If my penis could talk.
It would say, "I'm lonely!

"Where is everyone?
Let me out of this coffin!"

Two years ago I was a fucking guru.

I give two fingers to Nick
and what happens?

Lo and behold, a party
with principles comes crawling

and begging for me, and then what do
they do with their principles?

Shove them on the compost heap and
join the upper class-holes

I've spent my career trying to keep
out. Glenn, I need your help.

I want out.
I want a redundancy package.

Could you just bump my name up
the exit list?

I mean, just put in
a bad word for me?

Yeah, sure, Terri.

Consider yourself redundant,
we all do.

Sorry to interrupt.
Can I have a word?

Sure, kettle's just boiled.
I meant Terri.

(Sorry, Glenn.)

Just to keep you up to speed, Terri,

we're going to do a companion launch
for Digital Playgrounds

tonight at the Learning Centre
at 7:00pm.

All right? And we just need you
to pop a press pack in the

Coverley microwave and
let us know when you've pinged.

Sorry, I don't think I'll be able
to get that cleared before six

so that's effectively tomorrow, isn't
it? Terri, we don't need clearance.

We're not covering a Beatles track,
we're the fucking government.

I'm sorry but I do need to get that
through Number 10 before
I can do anything.

Was Terri in the meeting earlier?

Yeah, she was Fergus.
I know she was there

because I heard her humming
the theme to Call The Midwife.

Yes, well, Stewart was
very clear about this protocol.

It's about the only thing
he has been clear about.

The policy has been agreed.

This is just an additional
publicity push.

Adam, I'm sorry if you think
I'm being obstructive

but I cannot and I
will not do as you ask.

Well, you can't stop me, Terri, OK?
You cannot win, Nurse Ratched,

because this is my moment.

Now, you like musicals. Well, this
is Tonight from West Side Story,

And I am going to bring
the bloody house down

so you can't rain on
my parade, funny girl!

Why don't you go and have
a lie down and a Hob Nob

while we run the
fucking country, all right?

Anything else?

No, don't think so.

Thank you, Minister.

Did you see me being deliberately
less professional than usual?

You'll be gone by midday.

Yes! Thank God.

I don't understand,

what's the difference between
upload and download?

Er, well you download porn
although you could upload porn

but you'd have to, you have
to make some porn first.

Does it have to be porn? Is it
compulsory? Look, please, guys,
can you stop saying porn?

Did you say porn? Porn?

What's he doing?
Projecting it onto the building?

Is he on top of everything?

Mentioning pornography's
a definite no-no.

Oh, really(?) OK,
so maybe I'll tell him

not to big up any jihad sites either
or give out the PM's email address?

Does he understand the policy?
Forgive my concern

but it's a bit like asking if a dog
can grasp the concept of Norway.

'Thanks, Terri, that's very helpful,
bye.' Does he understand the...?

Oh, she's hung up.
Ever the charmless minor royal.

And I keep a straight face, do I,

when I say to a room full of
frog spawn, "Upload your future?"

That sounds great.
No pronunciation traps.

You know what happened to
the Chancellor at the Brits.

Tinny Tempah.
It could have been worse,

I heard he opened his
stag do speech with "Ma niggaz."

Oh, I can't get my head round
this whole digital dividend element.

Kids design apps,
whatever the hell they are.

Don't say, "What are apps?"

He knows what an app is. That Ocado
thing I put on your iPhone's an app.

And the On This Day in Jazz History
thing I gifted you. You love that.

The best thing is you just stick
with that. "I call app Britain."

"I call up Britain."

"I call app Britain." App.
"I call app Britain."

"I call app Britain."

Is there some whistle Fergus
blows that only you can hear?

It's called being wanted, Terri.

Right, he can go for a start.

He makes more noise breathing
than he does fucking talking.

What the fuck does a Statistical
Procurement Officer do anyway?

Fuck all. Same as the rest of them.

Speaking of which, Glenn.

Always on the horizon like
a fucking Antony Gormley statue.

Arms outstretched covered in rust.
Just let it go to voicemail.

No, his messages are always
so long and pleading. Hi, Glenn?

Where have you two gone?

We thought we'd go through
the redundancies

away from the dead-eyed stare
of the zombie army.

Ah, good thinking, yeah.

Look, I could help prioritise
that kill list, you know?

There are some people who want out.
Terri for instance.

'Oh, that's no problem,
Mannion fucking hates her.'

It's one of the few things
that brings us together.

Is that a fruit machine I hear?

'Are, are you in the local?'

Erm, no.

Yes.

Right, OK, I'll be
with you in ten. Walkies.

And erm, Ferg, mine's
a G and a slimline T, OK?

See you in a mo.

Why is it that
Silicon Valley is in America

when we have so many
net-savvy tech heads here?

They may have the silicon chip,

but, er, we have the silicon chap.

And of course, chap-esses. Er, er,

and we want you to design
game apps for use in the classroom.

Sorry to interrupt,
erm, it's not game apps,

we're actually looking
for educational apps.

Erm, of, of course.

That's...that's why I'm here
to say, I call you up, app,

I...I call app Britain.

Yes. And...and everyone
will benefit.

Not...not financially, er,
not cash in hand, of course.

All profits will be stored as part
of a digital dividend. Which...

Are you saying that if I wrote an
app I wouldn't get any money for it?

I would be working for free?

If you don't mind we'll
keep the Q&A to the end.

What...what I wanted to...

Sorry, why can't you just
answer him now? Charlotte.

The other lady was
allowed to interrupt.

Yes, but...but she's my lady.

LAUGHTER

What...what...what...what...
what was your question again?

Why won't we profit from this?

Oh, but you would. Er, maybe
I didn't explain it properly.

What, what's your name? Rajesh.

I'm sorry?

Rajesh, Raj.

Well, erm...

Rajesh Raj, erm...

GIGGLING

Right.

Well, erm, what I...

what I wanted to say is that
you would erm...er...profit,

err, that any profits you made

would be, erm, offset
against tuition fees...

Sorry, we don't believe
in tuition fees.

Well, err, what's...? Charlotte.

That's an easier one.

Fuck me, I feel like I've just
been pushed out of a plane.

I make apps, I sell them through
Apple and I get paid for it.

Good for you, Ra...
erm, good for you,

but, but, but with us,

you let us license it as part of
the networked nation policy.

We all put in, you see... What do
you put in to the networked nation?

Well, erm...

I am...

a minister.

But what do you actually do?

I, er...take the...the...

..science that, that
you made earlier and I...

..apply it in...

..scenarios that are...

cost effective.

Well, at least I got
"I call app Britain," right.

Thankfully with only a modicum
of the contempt you used just now.

Hooray! You got the title
right. Let's get the driver

to do some victory doughnuts. You're
going to have to issue an apology.

I'm not going back there and saying,
"Oh, that moment when I mistook

"an abbreviation of your name
for your surname, sorry."

I'll look completely mental.

You can't apologise for
a fart you did a day ago.

You have to apologise
for the follow up as well.

"Charlotte, that's an easier name."

But it is! That's a fact,
not a judgement!

Great, Stewart. Stewart, hello.
'Can I speak to Peter, please?'

I wish your friend had an app

that would deliver Stewart
a dead cat in a box. Stewart.

Congratulations, Peter.

Silicon Playgrounds has now been
dubbed Mannion's Workhouse Web.

Well, it's not my fault if they
misinterpreted something

that I said I never understood.

Oh for fuck's... I literally
can't believe this man.

Is he trying to get sacked?

What he's done is close to
resting his cock on his
boss's wife's shoulder.

So, who's going to be
Santa Claus, eh? What?

Who's getting the sack?
Oh, for fu...!

I need to get back to DoSAC.
I was looking forward to my G&T.

Why don't you stay here
and creep out the barmaid?

Use your unplucked flower line.

Peter Mannion just
got the name wrong, that's...

Well, names are very difficult.

Sometimes people spell Terri with
a Y not an I but I don't complain.

Yes, all right I do complain but...

Coverley comms.

Heads up, OK, just keep moving.
Minister, can we get a comment

on the secretary's
speech this morning?

Is it true you're planning
for young children to work

designing apps for free?

I understand the...the Secretary
of State made...made a speech.

Obviously I...I haven't
seen that speech.

He said profits would be
offset against tuition fees

which implies pupils will be
working for their education.

Let me be very clear the digital
dividend element of this scheme

is optional. If they prefer
pupils can be paid in cash.

So this isn't about turning
schools into workhouses then?

Erm, no. Maybe Peter did
come across as more of a...

fibre-optic Fagin than he
might have intended. Thank you.

REPORTERS SHOUT

Minister, other way, other way,
other way, other way.

Minister, why are you at home
in the middle of a working day?

Erm, it's...it's my
30th anniversary

and I popped home for lunch after
the Silicon Playgrounds launch

which is literally round the corner

and I'll be staying late
to make up for it.

Are you turning schools
into teenage sweatshops?

I...I...I'm sorry if this
is proving a complex idea.

Pupils will receive

a digital dividend towards
their higher education fees.

The dividend is optional, though.
You can get cash instead?

No, you can't. I'm sorry.
We're quoting your junior minister.

I see. Minister, do you think
you came across this morning

as a fibre-optic Fagin?

That's a ridiculous phrase.

Well, that again is a quote
from your junior minister.

Minister, is that
a bottle of champagne?

Drinking on the job, Minister?
It...It's a...a half bottle.

As I said, it is my anniversary
and I have just recycled it.

Er, thank you.

Less of a Fagin and more of an
Artful Dodger, is that what this is?

Run those fuckers over.
50 quid for every one you maim.

I've got a blank page. You dictate.

It should have been done
like, an hour ago.

Thanks a fucking bunch, mate!

I couldn't have looked
more of a twat

unless I'd announced it dressed as
a mermaid with scallops on my tits.

I'm angry too, Peter. I spent
a lot of time on that policy

that you just raped in a ditch.
Your stupid idea in the first place.

What are your ideas, Peter?
We'd love to hear them!

A public information film on
the best wine to have with fish?

A butler on every street corner?

This is a long game, Fergus. I've
been around a lot longer than you

and I'll still be here when
they rip your name off your door

and turn your office back
into something useful

like a spare toilet.
Both of you desist!

You have caused me to raise
my voice and I do not like it.

I reserve this level of anger
for when I'm flying Ryanair.

Peter's palace, now!

Drinking champagne in the middle
of the day during a recession!

Who do you think you are? P Diddy?

It was a half bottle
on my 30th anniversary

and I was recycling it.
At least give me credit for that.

Sorry, Peter, I take it all back.
As strong a defence

as the fertiliser in my
home-made bomb was organic!

What have you got planned
for this evening, dancing girls?

Garage, car, hosepipe.

The anniversary present
your wife's been dreaming of.

Fergus, what about you?

I'm launching Silicon Playgrounds
properly at a learning centre.

Something you didn't clear
through me! You announced this

before Peter took
his daily gaffe dump.

What was the word
I used this morning?

You used a lot of words. It was
like a fucking Will Self lecture.

What was the word I used?

Coalition. Boom! So you will
go to the learning centre

where you will re-explain
Silicon Playgrounds

with Peter who will make
an abject grovelling apology

for being a both a digitard
and an elderly racist.

So first you take the policy
away from me for Peter to screw up,

then you take salvaging the policy
away from me for Peter to screw up.

Good yeah, that's just great(!)

I'm bored of this.
I'm going for a Twix.

Adam's coming. Oh, not on my watch.

Oh, here we go. You shall not pass.

You couldn't keep
the cast of Glee out.

Is Peter sharing a car with Fergus?

Wait here, I'll check.
Yes go, run many miles.

Make heart soar like eagle.

Prick.

Peter says he's sorry but he doesn't
have any child seats fitted.

Oh, Really? OK, kids,
Raj can make it for eight o'clock.

What's going on?
Have you two just kissed?

Give him this, final list of
staff cuts. Needs his signature.

If it makes him happier, he can
pretend he's sectioning you.

Sure, but tonight Dobby
does not ride with Dumbledore.

Oh, fucking hell. Brilliant(!)

Does he have any references based in
reality? Listen, don't fuck about.

Just make sure Fergus gets Peter
to the church on time, OK?

All right, get a boyfriend.

Oh, come out.

She's not on the fucking list!

Will you please tell me why
Terri Coverley is not on this list?

Sorry Peter, she's too
expensive to get rid of.

Christ, Fergus we both know
she's a fart in a frock

and I want to waft it out of here.

My hands are tied.

Fuck you! You're not
getting in my car tonight!

What a very principled
stand you're taking.

Did you see how stressed
Mannion was there?

Soon he'll be so weak
and disorientated

he'll stagger off in the night like
a tramp who's stood up too quickly.

No, I don't think today is our
entire marriage in a nutshell.

Well, we had champagne

and your sister wasn't there.

All I'm saying is that
sometimes it's necessary

to lose the battle
in order to win the war.

Or lose your mind to believe
all the crap you come out with.

Ah here he is, the King of Sheba.

Er, Terri. Sorry, do you
mind holding...? Jesus.

Just pass it to me.
Why don't you get in the front?

We can't all get...
No inconvenience at all. Budge up.

I...I think you'd be more
comfortable in the front.

It's not a problem in any way.

Minister, ministers is it true
that you hate each other?

Not at all. Of course,
we're not strangers to
a frank exchange of views.

Have you been forced
to come here together?

I think I can say in all candour
that no one could force me

to stand next to this man.

Ah, Raj. Thank you
so much for coming.

Raj.

Good to see you, Peter Pete.

Err, I'd like to thank
er, er, Raj here

for pointing out
the flaws in Fergus's

and, and my
Silicon Playground scheme.

Yeah, and we'd love you to
become a silicon player, Raj.

Help us nail it, yeah?
Yeah, sure, if you pay me.

Can you get me a
chicken and cashew nut?

Get your usual order,
dead dog's dicks.

They're still down at the centre.

No, my children, not them
I'm looking for but you.

I thought while they were
dovetailing we might chat the chit.

There's no reason why we
can't go bigger on this.

With the spread of computer
literacy across all demographics.

We could be having silicon pubs,
silicon prisons,

silicon care homes.

I mean this way we really would
have a networked nation guys.

Silicon banks. Silicon hospitals.
Silicon buses.

Err, silicon phones,
silicon lights, silicon plants...

No, Phil, don't just
say what you fucking see.

Why don't we hive mind on this?
Get our best brains on it.

Adam come and join us.
Phil, go make us some ginseng tea.

You're getting a coffwee,
coffee with wee in it.

So the core question here is
can we engender the same sense

of pan-demographic communalities
we had in the war,

but furrowed into
the digital revolution, hmm?

Do you have milk in ginseng?

No. Shit.

Simeon, hi.
Yeah he is, he's with me.

Number 10.
Apparently your phone's off.

That's because my mind is in give
mode not receive mode. Simeon, hi.

No, no, no, no, no, don't say that.

No, no don't drown the kitten here!

Look, we're cooking up the
Schlieffen plan for the mind here!

No, I'm sorry I don't believe
he said that. No.

OK.

OK, curious.

What's happened?

Silicon Playgrounds, erm... dead.

Too much confusion and negativity.

Says who? The PM.
Oh, for God's sake.

Interesting, he's never used a
conduit to deliver bad news before.

Sorry should I not have left
the bags in? No, they look lovely.

Are you all right, Stewart,
can I...?

No, I'm erm, I am... I'm going to
go and rest my eyes on the river.

He touched me. OK.

Well, landmark day.

We bring in an idea,
you like it, you nick it,

you put two bullets
in the back of its head.

Snuff politics, you've got to laugh.

It's good to see Stewart lost
for multi syllables though.

Have you ever seen him
like that before? Never.

He took the morning off
when Steve Jobs died.

But otherwise,
been seven years of ear piss.

Ah, look at us, Fergus
We're such good friends.

It's like Ike and Tina Turner.
Or Caligula and his horse.

This will cheer you up.

Your boss has chucked
Silicon Playgrounds down a well

and poured a bucket
of shit after it.

Whole day, it's been
an excruciating waste of time.

Am I...am I needed?

We'll get back to you on that.

We can stop pretending
to like each other now.

Maybe it would be better
if we actually did try to get on

rather than just pretending.

Maybe it would.

Have a good, erm...

what's left of the evening.

Thanks.

OK, darling I'm on my way.

Finally got rid of
Captain fucking Scarlet.

DoSAC please Martin.

Terri, hi, it's Glenn.

Silicon Playgrounds has been
axed and so's your evening!

They want you to come in and draft
a press release. And by draft I mean

work on it all night.

Oh, no.

Looks like he's
going back to DoSAC.

I'm sorry Tina I'm going
to have to turn round.

Are you about to head off?

I'm sorry it should be...

11 at the latest.

Could, could, could you just put

something eggy on a tray for me?

And...and then we will

snuggle, I promise.

The Leader of the Opposition
is in that room, Malcolm,

practicing walking. It does seem
to be taking an awfully long time.

Is that too bouncy?
It's Remembrance Sunday!

We haven't got any fucking power.

We're like a family in a Cuban slum.

It's important that we rise above
partisan politics, Dan.

So that, Dan...

I feel like I should put
the poppy wreath around my neck

and take 40 paracetamol.