The Thick of It (2005–2012): Season 4, Episode 3 - Episode #4.3 - full transcript
Mannion is a reluctant participant at Pearson's Thought Camp at a country hotel,where phones are forbidden. Back at the ministerial office Phil finds the place deserted except for Glenn,still working on the Fourth Sector for Nicola,and Fergus and his advisor Adam,who are talking to economist Tara. Then the news breaks that anti-government protester Tickel; has killed himself. Everybody rushes to inform Mannion,who can only get a phone signal on his mobile by standing on a children's slide - in which embarrassing pose he is photographed. But there is worse news when he gets back to the office. To get rid of Tara Fergus and Adam have bought a bank - for two billion pounds.
Peter Mannion has been picking on
a man with a history of depression.
I call app Britain. App. I call
app Britain. I call app Britain.
Silicone playgrounds are, is, go.
I just hope Mannion can keep
his baccy stained fingers out of it.
I call you up, app...
I couldn't have looked more of a twat
unless I'd announced it dressed as
a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
I was picked up at 7.
Of course I haven't walked the dog.
I barely had time to take myself
for a shit.
Phil, I'm sure you have
Peter withdrawal symptoms
but I need you
to keep an eye on the Tickel issue.
Thought camp ETA 13 minutes, OK?
You're taking the bridge, Kieran.
You can start by not referring
to him as gypo or gypsy, Phil.
It's not the abbreviation
that's the problem.
If he has a thorn in his paw
it must be from when you took him
for a walk yesterday.
What do you mean, you're in charge?
You are not in fucking charge.
You've got to keep me informed.
I want the full crunch
on all the feeds as usual,
everything below the equator.
Take him to the dog hospital.
No, I'm not being sarcastic.
There is one.
The number will be in the folder.
Try and keep an eye on things,
right? Bile... Mm, what?
Where are you taking us, Stewart?
This mind Kampf is in
the middle of nowhere.
Thought camp, Peter, and isolation
is the mother of renewal.
We shall retreat to go forward.
Terrible signal.
Phil sounded like he was phoning in
a report on an African coup.
Why's he even gone in today?
I put him on Tickel oversight.
Oh, the eviction.
Well, cutting the guy ropes on
his tent is hardly the siege of Troy.
Bailiffs thought it would
be easier today, quicker or quieter.
I want Phil sealed off, right?
He makes no statement today,
not even off the record.
He wanted to feel useful.
Then he should sell his organs.
Glenn. What?
What the fuck are you doing here?
Oh, God, you're not living here,
are you?
Oh, no. I've just go some stuff
I've got to catch up on.
Plus one of my neighbours is having
a rooftop barbecue
and I didn't fancy being bombarded
with chicken bones and Radio 1.
Anyway, why aren't you
on Stewart's away day?
Drinking herbal tea
and playing leapfrog?
I told Stewart where to get off.
Yeah, well, we've got
the whole palace to ourselves, eh?
Rosencratz and Guildenstern.
But very much alive.
Well, one of us.
I'll put the kettle on.
Sure.
Easy on the milk, Shaky Hands.
This is like some weird
inverted Dodge City.
Presumably we're allowed to keep
our six shooters. I might want
to blow my brains out.
Stewart, my son's coming back
from a school trip
and I'm gonna need to find out
what time the coaches are arriving.
Sorry, Mary,
same rules for everyone.
Reception will take a message,
yeah,
but I mean we all have children,
yeah? I don't literally but...
OK, lovely people.
Let's go truffling
in the forest of knowledge.
Come on, quick. Quick.
Fuck, fuck, it's hot.
Jesus Christ. What's happened?
Is this the start of some zombie
apocalypse?
What are you guys doing in?
Well, work comes first with me,
Adam. You know that.
Protestant ethic.
Not that I'm at all anti-Catholic.
You're in for...?
A meeting with Fergus.
Heads up. Lady and the Tramp are in,
too.
Yeah, I know. Cheers.
Just make sure you copy me in
on any minutes. OK.
How about you copy that, yeah?
Cos it's party business.
It's not ministerial.
The meeting is in the department.
While Peter is absent,
I'm his surrogate - the king's hand.
Yeah. Finish him off with that hand
as well, do you?
Prick.
I may... I may be needed.
I've been needed in the past.
OK, people. I'd like to start
this session with a question.
When is a party not a party?
When it's at your house?
Peter!
A party is not a party
when it is plural.
There she is, the party, singular.
She thinks like you, she votes
like you, she is not you
and yet of course she is you.
I feel like
I've joined the Scientologists.
Some of these people want
a federal Britain, others don't,
and as long as
we continue to do nothing
we can call that consensus.
Why am I the only senior minister
here? Is JB punishing me?
Look, Mary Drake's here,
Home Office.
And yes, JB is punishing you.
OK, let's, let's Maclntyre this.
Stand up.
Maclntyre?
In fact, chairs to the side, please.
Great, vague prancing about.
Isn't that one of the fundamental
principles of democracy?
Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, do you want
to share your thoughts? Hmm?
No, we just hoped we were going
to do some dancing, er, Stewart.
What, Merce Cunningham,
something like that?
OK, maybe later you can share it
with us. Fabulous.
But first, let me share
something with you.
Silicone Playgrounds, yeah?
What caused this slow motion
pile up? Shall we sit down
and chew over hash tag epic fail
or shall we try and get
some solutions on their feet?
That's it just put it at the side,
Peter.
I was hoping to catch the snooker
after I've finished collating
those healthy workplace stats.
Just down there.
Glenn, you're a marvel.
You're like a modern day Jeeves.
Only not modern... day.
You're like Jeeves
but only not as good.
This meeting, is it something
I should be in on?
Well, it's not really a meeting,
it's more sort of faces
with lips making noise.
Uh-huh.
Sounds like a meeting.
Yeah, well you know,
Fergus just called someone in
for a... for an exploratory chat.
Right.
Stop Slytherin getting wind of it.
Oh, hang on. I've got to go.
You need to get back to your telly?
It takes a while to warm up,
doesn't it?
Here we are at the coal face.
Ah, Adam, this is Tara Strachan.
Hello, lovely to meet you. Hi there.
Really lovely, lovely.
Shall we...? Just... Thank you.
She's an economist and a lady.
Yes, obviously. Lovely. Ahem.
What's going on? Who's the skirt?
I'd love to bring you up to speed,
Phil, I really would,
but I'm not going to live
long enough.
So tell you what? Why don't you go
and help Glenn watch his telly?
I think the dancing's on
in a minute.
I really like your coat, by the way.
Thank you.
It's like a leopard.
It is a little bit. Or a cheetah.
Am I supply-side economics?
No. Oh, bugger.
OK, Mary, you've got to help Peter
work out what political concept
he is. You have one guess left.
Keep the energy up, guys.
Chins up, yeah.
Am I a solid, sensible concept?
No.
The beauty of this model... Yeah.
..Is that micro banking can
happen anywhere, OK?
Great. Small, low interest
loans, that's the way forward.
This is terrific, I mean,
it's so fucking us it's brilliant.
Adam! Adam!
Oh, don't worry, I don't mind
swearing. Shows passion.
I've done some community
enterprise case studies.
Sisters who want to set up a pop-up
bakers in a disused travel agents.
The boiler guy who wants to take on
an apprentice.
Yeah. The helping hand
for hands-on people.
Yeah. I like that, that's great,
that's really good.
Making sure the can-doers
don't get canned.
Terrific, yeah, really good.
Would I be comfortable
or uncomfortable...?
Yes or no questions only, please,
Peter.
Would I be uncomfortable
talking to Andrew Marr
about this concept on the television?
Yes.
Am I diversity?
No.
You're out of questions, Peter.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Inclusivity's
practically the same as diversity.
No, it's not.
No, it isn't, Peter.
I could be at home
watching the snooker with
a bottle of unpronounceable scotch.
Can I sit down now?
I'm sitting down, I don't care.
Actually we can all sit down now.
Thanks, Peter.
So take a chair because Emma's going
to co-steer module 4 with me.
We're gonna do a kind of
Top Trumps stats check
on the PM's future enemies, yeah?
Strengths, weaknesses,
blocking moves and take downs.
Em. Great, thank you, Stewart.
You've turned into
the wrong Mitford sister.
Basically, we'd set up a network
of micro-credit lenders
at neighbourhood level.
This is great.
So what would it be called?
Like the Citizens' Bank or...?
The People's Bank.
Erm, community... The credit fund.
No, no, credit's a bad word.
Negative.
Something with advance. The We Bank.
The We Bank? I like that.
Although it does sound a bit like
a sperm bank but for wee.
Bit of a farce going on here
with your Mr Tickle.
They've turned up to evict him
and he's not there.
Good, self-evicted.
Gone. Problem solved.
Anyway, what's going on with Fergus
and Adam and the sexy stranger?
She's an economist, apparently.
Oh, don't be ridiculous,
she's far too attractive.
You can get sexy economists.
What about Stephanie Flanders?
Yeah, that's true.
I quite like Emily Maitlis.
Really? Oh, I'm sure
she'd love a grey pounding.
Do you want to have an idea-gasm?
Yes, please.
Ask me how we'd initially fund this?
How would we initially fund this?
How would we initially fund this?
A one-off Robin Hood tax.
Steal from the fat cats,
raise enough seed capital
for hundreds of start-up funds
for fledgling businesses.
You know what? This could work
really well for us.
This... This is... Yeah.
Yeah? I mean, let's just talk
figures.
What sort of start-up capital
are we talking here? Erm...
Not very much. I think we're looking
at about 2 billion.
2 billion. 2 billion.
Good. I erm... Well, obviously,
I'd have to ring the Treasury.
Sure. And twist a few arms.
You know, it'll take a couple
of weeks to work out
but we are extremely keen
to set that process in motion.
Nicola Murray. We're assuming
she's on her way out.
That's a given. She's
a political accident nobody
can quite remember how it happened.
Contender one - Ben Swain.
Now, ABC1's over-thirties consider
him shifty and unfocused.
Can't think why that is.
Geoff Holhurst. Tiny head.
Yeah, an Achilles head.
Ah, Dan Miller,
definitely our anti-fave.
Charming, charismatic, clever,
dedicated and phwoar, God, he's hot.
Yes, thanks, Em.
OK, let's architecturalise this,
yeah? Oh, don't bother.
If it's Ben Swain,
we all shout "sweaty Swain" as
he dehydrates himself through PMQs.
Holhurst looks like a shepherd
dressed up to meet the Queen
and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.
I should tell you
I do also have a meeting
with Dan Miller booked in.
What? I would just knock that
right on the head, don't do it.
Well, he's in opposition, we rule.
We're the rulers,
we're the governors.
And in the end, this is so
fucking us. Fuck, yeah. Yeah.
Here, Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard,
author of Strapped:
Why We're In Debt To Each Other,
Small Is Bountiful,
expert in micro financing
and community credit guilds.
God, that sounds dreary. Bloody
hell, that's all 4th sector stuff.
I mean, why have they kept me
out here like a stray dog?
And why are they keeping Mannion
out of it?
This is government business.
Right, that's enough, stop, stop,
stop. I demand an explanation.
Sorry, Phil, we're busy.
Maybe come back in, I don't know,
2017?
As Peter's representative,
it's as though you lied to him.
That's probably illegal.
If you want to see something
probably illegal, pass me
that fucking stapler over there.
Er, listen is there a problem
with me being here?
You're not supposed to be here.
The minister is unaware
that you're here,
so you have to leave.
So she's a security risk?
Oh, no - I'd forgotten. You're not
allowed within 50 feet of a woman.
How d'you explain this, then?
I'm within 50 feet of you.
You're a woman.
Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
Fuck! Tickle's dead!
Oh, shit. Jesus.
Oh, God, he's killed himself.
Suicide.
He used a car exhaust.
Hey, classic. The Bohemian Rhapsody
of suicides.
Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake.
I'm sorry, I just, you know...
I mean it's, it's...
It's good, in a way.
He was drawing attention
to an issue
and now he's not drawing attention
to it because...
Can you just turn it down, all
right, because we have somebody in?
I'm gonna ring Terri.
God, I was just ringing you.
I got a heads-up from Reuters
whilst I was planting
the dwarf irises.
This is gonna take
a lot of managing.
Who's that? No-one.
Ah, Minister, sorry.
Yes, I'm halfway through a draft.
Any minute. Thank you, Terri.
Is this the homeless nurse?
That's awful.
Er, yes, this is Mr Tickel,
it's a tragedy.
Homeless out of choice, right,
Fergus?
Er, now is really
not the time to...
This is a tragedy
and it's complicated.
Not complicated enough for you
to voice any public opposition.
Do you think we could not wash
our dirty linen in public?
I'm not the one who shat the bed.
Tara, could you give us two minutes?
Yeah.
This situation calls for
a black coffee
and my Bluetooth headset.
Do not touch that phone, Glenn.
That is a comms phone.
Erm... No filters, Emma. First
thoughts. We're policy jamming here.
OK, erm, 24/7 parliament.
Oh, sorry, a little bit
of mental housekeeping.
There is only positivity
in the circle.
When someone makes a suggestion,
we say, "yes and".
Yes and what?
We could, we could make a noise.
What noise
would you suggest, Mary?
Yes and
ho. Great. Let's run with that.
Yes and ho.
Thanks, Emma.
24/7 parliament.
Yes and ho.
Pay the unemployed
to drive ambulances. Yes and ho.
Free thermals for the elderly.
Yes and ho.
I'm just telling it straight.
Adam, the girl is still in
our office.
Well... Well, then,
let's get rid of her.
Well, ask her out, that'll do it.
Did you get her a tea?
What? Er, she needs a tea.
Well, get her a tea.
You get her a tea.
She's your girlfriend.
Get her a fucking tea.
I'm the minister. I don't even know
where tea is made. Make her a tea.
Could you make her a tea?
I'm in charge. You're not in charge.
I am in charge.
Get hold of Mannion. They need
to know about this. I am Mannion.
Hi. Sorry.
Can I get you anything?
A tea, coffee?
Oh, no, don't, don't worry, you
just... Sure? Yeah. OK, sit tight.
It's fine, the protest is over so it
solves the problem. It's gone away.
It's like there's a little
12-year-old boy in a suit
with a fucking light sabre
in his desk...
don't think I don't know
it's there...
running this department
when Mannion's away. Yeah?
It's a fucking joke.
No, it's not, no, it's not. Have you
seen Game of Thrones season 2? No.
Or Anakin Skywalker -
he was young.
Er, Frodo, in his thirties -
still young for a hobbit, you know?
I'm in charge because I'm a Jedi
and you're a fucking Ewok.
Right, what is the Ewok
position on this, then?
Free tea bags.
Yes and ho.
Free maternity leave
for people getting a puppy.
Yes and ho.
Obese Olympics.
Yes and ho.
The line from Stewart via Emma
was that I do nothing.
That was the one clear instruction
they gave me, OK?
We ignore him and he goes away.
He is dead. Which makes him
easier to ignore.
As a minister I should
at least express condolences.
That, that should come from Peter.
But he's not here. I am.
Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset?
Look, I speak for Peter
and I say that we look guilty
if we say we're sorry he died.
I'll take that as a no.
Listen, Phil, I was a journalist,
OK?
Now, if you don't respond
you create a vacuum
that sucks in speculation
and then you can't respond -
you get sucked fucking inside out.
Look, Tickle wasn't
the Queen of people's hearts.
He was a twat in a tent.
Tick-EL! He was called Tick-EL!
We drove a man to his death.
We are responsible for this.
Glenn, please, shush.
Do you think we could just pretend
to behave like compassionate
professionals in control,
just for once?
Yeah, OK, er...
Look, er, whatever the fallout
from today, megaphone Mary,
you brought her in,
she's your problem.
Right, fuck. Adam, we need to.
Could be...
Hang on they're coming back.
I'll ring you back.
Great stuff, Tara, we're going to
go ahead with the bank.
Yep, meeting's over. Don't you need
to talk to the Treasury?
Done that.
OK, well, let's talk details.
When it comes to interest rates,
there's still quite a lot...
Hey, don't talk us out of it.
You don't want to do that.
So, is this the green light?
Uh-huh, yep, £2 billion.
Oh, my God! Oh! Crikey. Ohh!
That's great.
Oh, right, OK! Oh, my God.
Great, great, terrific.
We'll be in touch. Thank you.
Lovely to meet you. Great.
What have we just green-lit?
Well, we are starting
a community bank with £2 billion.
Right, is that the £2 billion
we keep in the biscuit tin?
This is just great,
this is just fucking great.
Oh... I hang around this moral
abattoir to do something exactly like
this and you shut me out.
So I'm spending
my bank holiday founding a bank?
I thought the point
about bank holidays is
that they're supposed to be shut.
You know, when we see
something we like we just buy it,
that's the way we work round here.
I hope the Tickel situation is
all OK.
Well, it'll be fine.
Thank you. Great.
Lovely to meet you. See you soon.
Right.
Right, I'm in fucking charge
and I am going Nordic drama.
Adam, secure the economist. You get
Stewart and Mannion back here stat.
Brilliant, got that guys, yeah? OK?
Sure, I'll do it
your way for now, Fergus,
but they left me in charge
for a reason.
I bet you line up
all your action figures on the edge
of your bath, don't you?
One, I've got a shower and two,
they're still in the boxes.
Emma, it's Phil, same message
as before. Tickle's topped himself,
the press want me to respond,
so just fucking ring me, OK?
Have you got them?
No, everyone's ignoring me.
It's like the first year
of university.
Fuck it, the whole of university.
Jesus. Hello?
No, I can categorically say
that Peter Mannion will not
be resigning over this.
Thank you. Who was that?
World At One. I handled it.
You don't handle the World At One,
Phil. They're not stolen goods.
If you want to go
and play phones,
you can go down to the creche
where there's a big phone
with big boggly eyes
that go round and round
when you wheel it about.
Now piddle off.
We've got to put something out there,
Terri.
That boy is a simpleton.
Two hundred years ago they wouldn't
have let him milk a cow.
Jonty! Terri here
over at Hectic House.
No! No, Peter's not resigning!
Free apples.
Yes and ho.
Free coffins.
Yes and ho.
Reduce the deficit
with spending cuts.
Yes and ho.
Peter, Peter, I want to hear
new ideas ricocheting
off your sinuses like a pinball,
not just a 2-year-old slogan.
OK, Dr Jazz, let's hear it.
We do away with computers.
Yes and ho.
You idiot, that's fucking mental.
No blocking, Peter,
only counterpoint.
Do away with computers, what do
we think? How would it affect us?
Good idea, bad idea?
Good idea for me. I wouldn't get
any more of your fucking emails.
Try and stay cross-legged if you
can, Peter. Don't break the circle.
I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked
and my patience is snapped.
Some of us had to go through this
hippy shit the first time around.
I'm not talking about selling
it to the electorate.
I'm talking about exploring it
within the free space of the circle.
OK, give me the ball. Give
me the ball. Give me the ball.
No.
Give me the fucking ball, Stewart.
Let's do away with you.
What?
Filters off, daddyo,
let it all hang out.
Just suppose your free-range,
no-consequences bullshit
was hugely entertaining when we were
in opposition and shitting money
but now that we're in government
and it's all gone a bit JG Ballard,
it's irrelevant and infantile.
Oh, very droll, Peter.
And maybe the reason you don't mind
handing your phone in
is that it doesn't ring as much
as it used to.
Oh, sorry, doesn't ring
as much as it used to, yes and ho.
Er, I'm sorry but does the sign
on the door say "do disturb"?
No. Sorry. It is urgent.
Your office says Peter Mannion and
Stewart Pearson should check their
phones and call back now, please.
Fine, well, you've,
you've burst the thought bubble,
erm, receptionist,
so that's great.
Thank you very much. Fantastic.
OK, everyone just take...
Sorry, is that a phone, Emma?
Er, hotline, Number 10.
It's just I'm amending
some boring policy drafts.
They're encrypted
but I've got to keep it on me.
And Stewart hasn't got one.
Want the opinion of an old lag?
Mannion will have to go.
Stick to policemen are
getting younger, Glenn.
Peter's going nowhere
and I don't mean that
in a Glenn's career kind of way.
I've seen a lot of people resign and
they're always happier afterwards.
You're thinking of lobotomies.
Peter resigns over my dead body.
Yes, yes.
That would be the ideal scenario.
It's probably just Phil, he's run
out of colouring books or something.
Anything to get out
of Stewart's think sphincter.
Hello, receptionist.
Could I have my phone, please?
Your name, sir? It's Stewart.
Stewart...? Stewart Pearson.
Peter Mannion,
mine's the old Nokia. It's engaged.
Yeah, thank you. Look, the one with
Stewart written on it.
No, nothing.
Just keep trying. It's engaged.
I can't get any reception.
No, you won't round here.
No reception at reception, we
always say. The best spot, sounds
stupid, is the children's play area.
Top of the slide.
Nothing.
God, I hate the country.
Get higher, you idiot.
That's it, that's it,
I've got something.
Download the intel, Peter.
Come on. Put it on speaker.
No. I've got loads of messages
from my wife and from Phil.
She's taking the dog to the hospital.
Oh, come on.
She's... She's had a long wait.
The wound in his paw's gone septic.
Oh, please, Peter, move on.
Tickle's dead. What? Tickle's dead.
OK, it's my turn on that signal,
Peter, get down.
Wait, I'm listening to
the fucking message.
I need to get this signal.
Just get down.
Stop being so childish.
Jesus Christ. Just get down, Peter.
I've got it, I've got it.
Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, OK?
Number 10's gone off-the-hook
mental. Take my phone
to call the PM.
Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going
to bring a shirt, suit and tie.
You are not going to arrive
looking like the manager
of an organic wine bar.
Right, come on, come on, come on!
Movement. Sh! Hello?
Update, Phil's intercepting Peter.
Everyone's coming back
here, half an hour.
Coverly, comms. Yeah, can you hold
on one second please?
ETA plus 30 minutes GMT.
Well, anyway,
Mannion has surely got to freeze
housing disposals now.
Yeah, on that point, Glenn, I wonder
if it might be at all helpful
if we collated every single
statement Mannion's made about
Tickle and the sell-off policy.
Yeah, as a sort of favour
to selected hacks,
put a bit of air between us
and the policy, a lot of air.
Adam, this is not the time
for party political point scoring.
At least let the body get cold.
Of course. Understood.
What was it...?
What was it Peter said
to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
"The health service should be
for care not subsidised housing."
Now, I mean, that is...
Jesus. Is this what we came into
politics for?
Yeah, that and the pussy.
What's that? I'm supposed
to be commenting on a suicide
not a fucking camel race.
It will balance out
the bad news. You know - yin-yang.
Jon Snow does it. I want Tickle's
movements over the last 24 hours
and I want
his complete mental health records
since he first sat on a potty.
Do you think you might need one
or two computers for that, Stewart?
We're going to try and dredge up
some fire-fighting strategy.
Absolutely. I'll top-load you
as soon as we arrive.
Yep, thanks. OK. All right. Bye.
Can I...?
Can I take the seatbelt off?
No, Peter.
Stewart, what are you doing?
It helps with the car sickness.
This is great, isn't it, Stewart?
A conference on crisis management
that's been scuppered
by an actual fucking crisis.
We don't even know
why he killed himself yet.
I mean, suicide, it's pathetic.
At least take some of your enemies
with you, that's a noble death.
This is going nuts.
So many questions being asked.
It started with why did Phil
bring a tie from the '90s?
I brought an alternative.
But that's too far the other way.
It makes him look guilty.
How can he be guilty? He's got the
perfect alibi. He was at boot camp.
Oh! Brilliant, let's release that,
hey?
There's no actual blood on his hands
and he remembered to wipe
the fingerprints off the knife.
Look, you can wear my tie,
what about mine?
What's on your tie? Tintin moon
rockets. Oh, for fuck's sake.
It amazes me you ever found
your way out of your mother's womb.
Here he is! Minister!
Minister, does the government
have blood on its hands?
Are you resigning? Have you got
anything to say to the family?
Shouldn't you have done more,
Minister? Please! Not the trousers.
Let's show a little more decorum.
A man has died in tragic
and complicated circumstances.
This is not the time
for barked questions
or hurried judgment.
There will be a statement presently.
Was Mr Tickel killed
by politics, Mr Mannion?
Do relax... Heads up now, yeah?
Terri, poppet, can you send me out
a cry mail?
"We give a toss,
we're sorry for your loss, yeah?"
Peter, we might need to relaunch
the trousers.
Get him a tie, a bland one.
Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
Peter, I have a bit of news that I
should probably make you aware of.
Yes, I do know, Fergus. A man
with an amusing name has died.
Er, no, actually.
It's that this morning I...
Well, I set up a community bank.
What? You did what? You...
You... You set up a bank?
I had a moment of weakness
and they exploited it,
like Hugh Grant.
Yeah, well, we didn't
really have much choice
because it was all going to piss
in a kettle here,
so we had to get the economist
out of the way. What economist?
Well, we were having
a preliminary meeting
when Phil started to crow,
Glenn was having a meltdown -
it was embarrassing.
You bought a bank
out of social embarrassment?
I sometimes buy the Big Issue
out of social embarrassment,
I don't buy a fucking bank.
Oh... Peter,
this is so fucking us.
Just wind back, right.
Let's get this straight,
so I can deal with you two properly.
How much is this bank?
Well, 2 billion.
2 billion.
2 billion!
Sweet Tracy Emin!
All right, don't need
to shit yourself about it
because we're not buying it, OK?
It's funded by taxes.
That's all right then.
Oh, great, the triple!
I'm a nurse killer, a banker
and now I'm raising fucking taxes!
Well, you are meant to be
the bad cop, so what's our out?
You're giving me an actual noose
along with the metaphorical one.
Trousers!
Sorry, I'm getting your trousers.
Jesus, what were
you guys doing at the hotel?
There's a picture of you on a slide.
It's been tweeted by a golfer.
Oh, for...
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's gonna go big,
bigger than Charlie bit my finger.
You look like the Shit Family
Robinson. Aaahhhh!
Jesus Christ! Shit!
Oh, poor Stewart.
I think a bit of his brain broke.
My phone broke. I was up to
Warlock General in Dragonlance.
A year of my life, gone.
Er, Peter, speaking of socially
embarrassing situations,
what the fuck were you doing
being photographed on a slide?
It was the only place
we could get a fucking signal.
Two grown men in a playground -
that's a pretty clear signal.
Peter, Number 10 have
seen the photo. They don't want you
to make a statement.
Fergus, looks like you're up.
Statement on Tickle
in 10 minutes OK? Bring it!
I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down.
I don't want the fucking trousers.
Peter,
sorry to take this off you.
Yeah, but that's swings
and roundabouts, isn't it?
Coverly, comms.
Yeah, statement in er... Emma?
Yes. Statement in?
Nine. Nine, nine minutes.
Yep. OK, everyone.
Terri Coverly offline.
OK, shall I bring you some tea?
Oh, Peter, that tie's
a bit rubbish, isn't it?
Can I just...?
Why don't I just help you with that?
Just... I'm very willing to...
Take it.
Jesus, Christ, Terri.
Next time why don't you just
lick his spats?
This is not about changing
policy, this is not about running
away from our obligations...
Here you go. I managed to wrestle
your tie back off Terri.
There's some of her fingernails
in it.
Well, in the grand scheme of things,
that's not such a big deal.
You're not gonna watch your guy
give the statement? No.
He's not my guy, Phil. I'm
on my own here. There's no one quite
like me, not here, not any more.
Yeah. You're the last VHS in Oxfam.
They won't take them anymore,
I've tried.
Series one to five of the X Files -
nothing, can't give them away.
For a fairer NHS, for a fairer
public housing programme.
He's exactly why
people hate politicians.
He's making me hate politicians,
him in particular.
Any second now he's gonna do
the imaginary tits.
There they are.
Thank you.
Look at him.
Moments like this make you realise
why Elvis shot so many TVs.
a man with a history of depression.
I call app Britain. App. I call
app Britain. I call app Britain.
Silicone playgrounds are, is, go.
I just hope Mannion can keep
his baccy stained fingers out of it.
I call you up, app...
I couldn't have looked more of a twat
unless I'd announced it dressed as
a mermaid with scallops on my tits!
I was picked up at 7.
Of course I haven't walked the dog.
I barely had time to take myself
for a shit.
Phil, I'm sure you have
Peter withdrawal symptoms
but I need you
to keep an eye on the Tickel issue.
Thought camp ETA 13 minutes, OK?
You're taking the bridge, Kieran.
You can start by not referring
to him as gypo or gypsy, Phil.
It's not the abbreviation
that's the problem.
If he has a thorn in his paw
it must be from when you took him
for a walk yesterday.
What do you mean, you're in charge?
You are not in fucking charge.
You've got to keep me informed.
I want the full crunch
on all the feeds as usual,
everything below the equator.
Take him to the dog hospital.
No, I'm not being sarcastic.
There is one.
The number will be in the folder.
Try and keep an eye on things,
right? Bile... Mm, what?
Where are you taking us, Stewart?
This mind Kampf is in
the middle of nowhere.
Thought camp, Peter, and isolation
is the mother of renewal.
We shall retreat to go forward.
Terrible signal.
Phil sounded like he was phoning in
a report on an African coup.
Why's he even gone in today?
I put him on Tickel oversight.
Oh, the eviction.
Well, cutting the guy ropes on
his tent is hardly the siege of Troy.
Bailiffs thought it would
be easier today, quicker or quieter.
I want Phil sealed off, right?
He makes no statement today,
not even off the record.
He wanted to feel useful.
Then he should sell his organs.
Glenn. What?
What the fuck are you doing here?
Oh, God, you're not living here,
are you?
Oh, no. I've just go some stuff
I've got to catch up on.
Plus one of my neighbours is having
a rooftop barbecue
and I didn't fancy being bombarded
with chicken bones and Radio 1.
Anyway, why aren't you
on Stewart's away day?
Drinking herbal tea
and playing leapfrog?
I told Stewart where to get off.
Yeah, well, we've got
the whole palace to ourselves, eh?
Rosencratz and Guildenstern.
But very much alive.
Well, one of us.
I'll put the kettle on.
Sure.
Easy on the milk, Shaky Hands.
This is like some weird
inverted Dodge City.
Presumably we're allowed to keep
our six shooters. I might want
to blow my brains out.
Stewart, my son's coming back
from a school trip
and I'm gonna need to find out
what time the coaches are arriving.
Sorry, Mary,
same rules for everyone.
Reception will take a message,
yeah,
but I mean we all have children,
yeah? I don't literally but...
OK, lovely people.
Let's go truffling
in the forest of knowledge.
Come on, quick. Quick.
Fuck, fuck, it's hot.
Jesus Christ. What's happened?
Is this the start of some zombie
apocalypse?
What are you guys doing in?
Well, work comes first with me,
Adam. You know that.
Protestant ethic.
Not that I'm at all anti-Catholic.
You're in for...?
A meeting with Fergus.
Heads up. Lady and the Tramp are in,
too.
Yeah, I know. Cheers.
Just make sure you copy me in
on any minutes. OK.
How about you copy that, yeah?
Cos it's party business.
It's not ministerial.
The meeting is in the department.
While Peter is absent,
I'm his surrogate - the king's hand.
Yeah. Finish him off with that hand
as well, do you?
Prick.
I may... I may be needed.
I've been needed in the past.
OK, people. I'd like to start
this session with a question.
When is a party not a party?
When it's at your house?
Peter!
A party is not a party
when it is plural.
There she is, the party, singular.
She thinks like you, she votes
like you, she is not you
and yet of course she is you.
I feel like
I've joined the Scientologists.
Some of these people want
a federal Britain, others don't,
and as long as
we continue to do nothing
we can call that consensus.
Why am I the only senior minister
here? Is JB punishing me?
Look, Mary Drake's here,
Home Office.
And yes, JB is punishing you.
OK, let's, let's Maclntyre this.
Stand up.
Maclntyre?
In fact, chairs to the side, please.
Great, vague prancing about.
Isn't that one of the fundamental
principles of democracy?
Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, do you want
to share your thoughts? Hmm?
No, we just hoped we were going
to do some dancing, er, Stewart.
What, Merce Cunningham,
something like that?
OK, maybe later you can share it
with us. Fabulous.
But first, let me share
something with you.
Silicone Playgrounds, yeah?
What caused this slow motion
pile up? Shall we sit down
and chew over hash tag epic fail
or shall we try and get
some solutions on their feet?
That's it just put it at the side,
Peter.
I was hoping to catch the snooker
after I've finished collating
those healthy workplace stats.
Just down there.
Glenn, you're a marvel.
You're like a modern day Jeeves.
Only not modern... day.
You're like Jeeves
but only not as good.
This meeting, is it something
I should be in on?
Well, it's not really a meeting,
it's more sort of faces
with lips making noise.
Uh-huh.
Sounds like a meeting.
Yeah, well you know,
Fergus just called someone in
for a... for an exploratory chat.
Right.
Stop Slytherin getting wind of it.
Oh, hang on. I've got to go.
You need to get back to your telly?
It takes a while to warm up,
doesn't it?
Here we are at the coal face.
Ah, Adam, this is Tara Strachan.
Hello, lovely to meet you. Hi there.
Really lovely, lovely.
Shall we...? Just... Thank you.
She's an economist and a lady.
Yes, obviously. Lovely. Ahem.
What's going on? Who's the skirt?
I'd love to bring you up to speed,
Phil, I really would,
but I'm not going to live
long enough.
So tell you what? Why don't you go
and help Glenn watch his telly?
I think the dancing's on
in a minute.
I really like your coat, by the way.
Thank you.
It's like a leopard.
It is a little bit. Or a cheetah.
Am I supply-side economics?
No. Oh, bugger.
OK, Mary, you've got to help Peter
work out what political concept
he is. You have one guess left.
Keep the energy up, guys.
Chins up, yeah.
Am I a solid, sensible concept?
No.
The beauty of this model... Yeah.
..Is that micro banking can
happen anywhere, OK?
Great. Small, low interest
loans, that's the way forward.
This is terrific, I mean,
it's so fucking us it's brilliant.
Adam! Adam!
Oh, don't worry, I don't mind
swearing. Shows passion.
I've done some community
enterprise case studies.
Sisters who want to set up a pop-up
bakers in a disused travel agents.
The boiler guy who wants to take on
an apprentice.
Yeah. The helping hand
for hands-on people.
Yeah. I like that, that's great,
that's really good.
Making sure the can-doers
don't get canned.
Terrific, yeah, really good.
Would I be comfortable
or uncomfortable...?
Yes or no questions only, please,
Peter.
Would I be uncomfortable
talking to Andrew Marr
about this concept on the television?
Yes.
Am I diversity?
No.
You're out of questions, Peter.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Inclusivity's
practically the same as diversity.
No, it's not.
No, it isn't, Peter.
I could be at home
watching the snooker with
a bottle of unpronounceable scotch.
Can I sit down now?
I'm sitting down, I don't care.
Actually we can all sit down now.
Thanks, Peter.
So take a chair because Emma's going
to co-steer module 4 with me.
We're gonna do a kind of
Top Trumps stats check
on the PM's future enemies, yeah?
Strengths, weaknesses,
blocking moves and take downs.
Em. Great, thank you, Stewart.
You've turned into
the wrong Mitford sister.
Basically, we'd set up a network
of micro-credit lenders
at neighbourhood level.
This is great.
So what would it be called?
Like the Citizens' Bank or...?
The People's Bank.
Erm, community... The credit fund.
No, no, credit's a bad word.
Negative.
Something with advance. The We Bank.
The We Bank? I like that.
Although it does sound a bit like
a sperm bank but for wee.
Bit of a farce going on here
with your Mr Tickle.
They've turned up to evict him
and he's not there.
Good, self-evicted.
Gone. Problem solved.
Anyway, what's going on with Fergus
and Adam and the sexy stranger?
She's an economist, apparently.
Oh, don't be ridiculous,
she's far too attractive.
You can get sexy economists.
What about Stephanie Flanders?
Yeah, that's true.
I quite like Emily Maitlis.
Really? Oh, I'm sure
she'd love a grey pounding.
Do you want to have an idea-gasm?
Yes, please.
Ask me how we'd initially fund this?
How would we initially fund this?
How would we initially fund this?
A one-off Robin Hood tax.
Steal from the fat cats,
raise enough seed capital
for hundreds of start-up funds
for fledgling businesses.
You know what? This could work
really well for us.
This... This is... Yeah.
Yeah? I mean, let's just talk
figures.
What sort of start-up capital
are we talking here? Erm...
Not very much. I think we're looking
at about 2 billion.
2 billion. 2 billion.
Good. I erm... Well, obviously,
I'd have to ring the Treasury.
Sure. And twist a few arms.
You know, it'll take a couple
of weeks to work out
but we are extremely keen
to set that process in motion.
Nicola Murray. We're assuming
she's on her way out.
That's a given. She's
a political accident nobody
can quite remember how it happened.
Contender one - Ben Swain.
Now, ABC1's over-thirties consider
him shifty and unfocused.
Can't think why that is.
Geoff Holhurst. Tiny head.
Yeah, an Achilles head.
Ah, Dan Miller,
definitely our anti-fave.
Charming, charismatic, clever,
dedicated and phwoar, God, he's hot.
Yes, thanks, Em.
OK, let's architecturalise this,
yeah? Oh, don't bother.
If it's Ben Swain,
we all shout "sweaty Swain" as
he dehydrates himself through PMQs.
Holhurst looks like a shepherd
dressed up to meet the Queen
and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.
I should tell you
I do also have a meeting
with Dan Miller booked in.
What? I would just knock that
right on the head, don't do it.
Well, he's in opposition, we rule.
We're the rulers,
we're the governors.
And in the end, this is so
fucking us. Fuck, yeah. Yeah.
Here, Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard,
author of Strapped:
Why We're In Debt To Each Other,
Small Is Bountiful,
expert in micro financing
and community credit guilds.
God, that sounds dreary. Bloody
hell, that's all 4th sector stuff.
I mean, why have they kept me
out here like a stray dog?
And why are they keeping Mannion
out of it?
This is government business.
Right, that's enough, stop, stop,
stop. I demand an explanation.
Sorry, Phil, we're busy.
Maybe come back in, I don't know,
2017?
As Peter's representative,
it's as though you lied to him.
That's probably illegal.
If you want to see something
probably illegal, pass me
that fucking stapler over there.
Er, listen is there a problem
with me being here?
You're not supposed to be here.
The minister is unaware
that you're here,
so you have to leave.
So she's a security risk?
Oh, no - I'd forgotten. You're not
allowed within 50 feet of a woman.
How d'you explain this, then?
I'm within 50 feet of you.
You're a woman.
Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
Fuck! Tickle's dead!
Oh, shit. Jesus.
Oh, God, he's killed himself.
Suicide.
He used a car exhaust.
Hey, classic. The Bohemian Rhapsody
of suicides.
Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake.
I'm sorry, I just, you know...
I mean it's, it's...
It's good, in a way.
He was drawing attention
to an issue
and now he's not drawing attention
to it because...
Can you just turn it down, all
right, because we have somebody in?
I'm gonna ring Terri.
God, I was just ringing you.
I got a heads-up from Reuters
whilst I was planting
the dwarf irises.
This is gonna take
a lot of managing.
Who's that? No-one.
Ah, Minister, sorry.
Yes, I'm halfway through a draft.
Any minute. Thank you, Terri.
Is this the homeless nurse?
That's awful.
Er, yes, this is Mr Tickel,
it's a tragedy.
Homeless out of choice, right,
Fergus?
Er, now is really
not the time to...
This is a tragedy
and it's complicated.
Not complicated enough for you
to voice any public opposition.
Do you think we could not wash
our dirty linen in public?
I'm not the one who shat the bed.
Tara, could you give us two minutes?
Yeah.
This situation calls for
a black coffee
and my Bluetooth headset.
Do not touch that phone, Glenn.
That is a comms phone.
Erm... No filters, Emma. First
thoughts. We're policy jamming here.
OK, erm, 24/7 parliament.
Oh, sorry, a little bit
of mental housekeeping.
There is only positivity
in the circle.
When someone makes a suggestion,
we say, "yes and".
Yes and what?
We could, we could make a noise.
What noise
would you suggest, Mary?
Yes and
ho. Great. Let's run with that.
Yes and ho.
Thanks, Emma.
24/7 parliament.
Yes and ho.
Pay the unemployed
to drive ambulances. Yes and ho.
Free thermals for the elderly.
Yes and ho.
I'm just telling it straight.
Adam, the girl is still in
our office.
Well... Well, then,
let's get rid of her.
Well, ask her out, that'll do it.
Did you get her a tea?
What? Er, she needs a tea.
Well, get her a tea.
You get her a tea.
She's your girlfriend.
Get her a fucking tea.
I'm the minister. I don't even know
where tea is made. Make her a tea.
Could you make her a tea?
I'm in charge. You're not in charge.
I am in charge.
Get hold of Mannion. They need
to know about this. I am Mannion.
Hi. Sorry.
Can I get you anything?
A tea, coffee?
Oh, no, don't, don't worry, you
just... Sure? Yeah. OK, sit tight.
It's fine, the protest is over so it
solves the problem. It's gone away.
It's like there's a little
12-year-old boy in a suit
with a fucking light sabre
in his desk...
don't think I don't know
it's there...
running this department
when Mannion's away. Yeah?
It's a fucking joke.
No, it's not, no, it's not. Have you
seen Game of Thrones season 2? No.
Or Anakin Skywalker -
he was young.
Er, Frodo, in his thirties -
still young for a hobbit, you know?
I'm in charge because I'm a Jedi
and you're a fucking Ewok.
Right, what is the Ewok
position on this, then?
Free tea bags.
Yes and ho.
Free maternity leave
for people getting a puppy.
Yes and ho.
Obese Olympics.
Yes and ho.
The line from Stewart via Emma
was that I do nothing.
That was the one clear instruction
they gave me, OK?
We ignore him and he goes away.
He is dead. Which makes him
easier to ignore.
As a minister I should
at least express condolences.
That, that should come from Peter.
But he's not here. I am.
Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset?
Look, I speak for Peter
and I say that we look guilty
if we say we're sorry he died.
I'll take that as a no.
Listen, Phil, I was a journalist,
OK?
Now, if you don't respond
you create a vacuum
that sucks in speculation
and then you can't respond -
you get sucked fucking inside out.
Look, Tickle wasn't
the Queen of people's hearts.
He was a twat in a tent.
Tick-EL! He was called Tick-EL!
We drove a man to his death.
We are responsible for this.
Glenn, please, shush.
Do you think we could just pretend
to behave like compassionate
professionals in control,
just for once?
Yeah, OK, er...
Look, er, whatever the fallout
from today, megaphone Mary,
you brought her in,
she's your problem.
Right, fuck. Adam, we need to.
Could be...
Hang on they're coming back.
I'll ring you back.
Great stuff, Tara, we're going to
go ahead with the bank.
Yep, meeting's over. Don't you need
to talk to the Treasury?
Done that.
OK, well, let's talk details.
When it comes to interest rates,
there's still quite a lot...
Hey, don't talk us out of it.
You don't want to do that.
So, is this the green light?
Uh-huh, yep, £2 billion.
Oh, my God! Oh! Crikey. Ohh!
That's great.
Oh, right, OK! Oh, my God.
Great, great, terrific.
We'll be in touch. Thank you.
Lovely to meet you. Great.
What have we just green-lit?
Well, we are starting
a community bank with £2 billion.
Right, is that the £2 billion
we keep in the biscuit tin?
This is just great,
this is just fucking great.
Oh... I hang around this moral
abattoir to do something exactly like
this and you shut me out.
So I'm spending
my bank holiday founding a bank?
I thought the point
about bank holidays is
that they're supposed to be shut.
You know, when we see
something we like we just buy it,
that's the way we work round here.
I hope the Tickel situation is
all OK.
Well, it'll be fine.
Thank you. Great.
Lovely to meet you. See you soon.
Right.
Right, I'm in fucking charge
and I am going Nordic drama.
Adam, secure the economist. You get
Stewart and Mannion back here stat.
Brilliant, got that guys, yeah? OK?
Sure, I'll do it
your way for now, Fergus,
but they left me in charge
for a reason.
I bet you line up
all your action figures on the edge
of your bath, don't you?
One, I've got a shower and two,
they're still in the boxes.
Emma, it's Phil, same message
as before. Tickle's topped himself,
the press want me to respond,
so just fucking ring me, OK?
Have you got them?
No, everyone's ignoring me.
It's like the first year
of university.
Fuck it, the whole of university.
Jesus. Hello?
No, I can categorically say
that Peter Mannion will not
be resigning over this.
Thank you. Who was that?
World At One. I handled it.
You don't handle the World At One,
Phil. They're not stolen goods.
If you want to go
and play phones,
you can go down to the creche
where there's a big phone
with big boggly eyes
that go round and round
when you wheel it about.
Now piddle off.
We've got to put something out there,
Terri.
That boy is a simpleton.
Two hundred years ago they wouldn't
have let him milk a cow.
Jonty! Terri here
over at Hectic House.
No! No, Peter's not resigning!
Free apples.
Yes and ho.
Free coffins.
Yes and ho.
Reduce the deficit
with spending cuts.
Yes and ho.
Peter, Peter, I want to hear
new ideas ricocheting
off your sinuses like a pinball,
not just a 2-year-old slogan.
OK, Dr Jazz, let's hear it.
We do away with computers.
Yes and ho.
You idiot, that's fucking mental.
No blocking, Peter,
only counterpoint.
Do away with computers, what do
we think? How would it affect us?
Good idea, bad idea?
Good idea for me. I wouldn't get
any more of your fucking emails.
Try and stay cross-legged if you
can, Peter. Don't break the circle.
I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked
and my patience is snapped.
Some of us had to go through this
hippy shit the first time around.
I'm not talking about selling
it to the electorate.
I'm talking about exploring it
within the free space of the circle.
OK, give me the ball. Give
me the ball. Give me the ball.
No.
Give me the fucking ball, Stewart.
Let's do away with you.
What?
Filters off, daddyo,
let it all hang out.
Just suppose your free-range,
no-consequences bullshit
was hugely entertaining when we were
in opposition and shitting money
but now that we're in government
and it's all gone a bit JG Ballard,
it's irrelevant and infantile.
Oh, very droll, Peter.
And maybe the reason you don't mind
handing your phone in
is that it doesn't ring as much
as it used to.
Oh, sorry, doesn't ring
as much as it used to, yes and ho.
Er, I'm sorry but does the sign
on the door say "do disturb"?
No. Sorry. It is urgent.
Your office says Peter Mannion and
Stewart Pearson should check their
phones and call back now, please.
Fine, well, you've,
you've burst the thought bubble,
erm, receptionist,
so that's great.
Thank you very much. Fantastic.
OK, everyone just take...
Sorry, is that a phone, Emma?
Er, hotline, Number 10.
It's just I'm amending
some boring policy drafts.
They're encrypted
but I've got to keep it on me.
And Stewart hasn't got one.
Want the opinion of an old lag?
Mannion will have to go.
Stick to policemen are
getting younger, Glenn.
Peter's going nowhere
and I don't mean that
in a Glenn's career kind of way.
I've seen a lot of people resign and
they're always happier afterwards.
You're thinking of lobotomies.
Peter resigns over my dead body.
Yes, yes.
That would be the ideal scenario.
It's probably just Phil, he's run
out of colouring books or something.
Anything to get out
of Stewart's think sphincter.
Hello, receptionist.
Could I have my phone, please?
Your name, sir? It's Stewart.
Stewart...? Stewart Pearson.
Peter Mannion,
mine's the old Nokia. It's engaged.
Yeah, thank you. Look, the one with
Stewart written on it.
No, nothing.
Just keep trying. It's engaged.
I can't get any reception.
No, you won't round here.
No reception at reception, we
always say. The best spot, sounds
stupid, is the children's play area.
Top of the slide.
Nothing.
God, I hate the country.
Get higher, you idiot.
That's it, that's it,
I've got something.
Download the intel, Peter.
Come on. Put it on speaker.
No. I've got loads of messages
from my wife and from Phil.
She's taking the dog to the hospital.
Oh, come on.
She's... She's had a long wait.
The wound in his paw's gone septic.
Oh, please, Peter, move on.
Tickle's dead. What? Tickle's dead.
OK, it's my turn on that signal,
Peter, get down.
Wait, I'm listening to
the fucking message.
I need to get this signal.
Just get down.
Stop being so childish.
Jesus Christ. Just get down, Peter.
I've got it, I've got it.
Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, OK?
Number 10's gone off-the-hook
mental. Take my phone
to call the PM.
Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going
to bring a shirt, suit and tie.
You are not going to arrive
looking like the manager
of an organic wine bar.
Right, come on, come on, come on!
Movement. Sh! Hello?
Update, Phil's intercepting Peter.
Everyone's coming back
here, half an hour.
Coverly, comms. Yeah, can you hold
on one second please?
ETA plus 30 minutes GMT.
Well, anyway,
Mannion has surely got to freeze
housing disposals now.
Yeah, on that point, Glenn, I wonder
if it might be at all helpful
if we collated every single
statement Mannion's made about
Tickle and the sell-off policy.
Yeah, as a sort of favour
to selected hacks,
put a bit of air between us
and the policy, a lot of air.
Adam, this is not the time
for party political point scoring.
At least let the body get cold.
Of course. Understood.
What was it...?
What was it Peter said
to those Welsh chartered surveyors?
"The health service should be
for care not subsidised housing."
Now, I mean, that is...
Jesus. Is this what we came into
politics for?
Yeah, that and the pussy.
What's that? I'm supposed
to be commenting on a suicide
not a fucking camel race.
It will balance out
the bad news. You know - yin-yang.
Jon Snow does it. I want Tickle's
movements over the last 24 hours
and I want
his complete mental health records
since he first sat on a potty.
Do you think you might need one
or two computers for that, Stewart?
We're going to try and dredge up
some fire-fighting strategy.
Absolutely. I'll top-load you
as soon as we arrive.
Yep, thanks. OK. All right. Bye.
Can I...?
Can I take the seatbelt off?
No, Peter.
Stewart, what are you doing?
It helps with the car sickness.
This is great, isn't it, Stewart?
A conference on crisis management
that's been scuppered
by an actual fucking crisis.
We don't even know
why he killed himself yet.
I mean, suicide, it's pathetic.
At least take some of your enemies
with you, that's a noble death.
This is going nuts.
So many questions being asked.
It started with why did Phil
bring a tie from the '90s?
I brought an alternative.
But that's too far the other way.
It makes him look guilty.
How can he be guilty? He's got the
perfect alibi. He was at boot camp.
Oh! Brilliant, let's release that,
hey?
There's no actual blood on his hands
and he remembered to wipe
the fingerprints off the knife.
Look, you can wear my tie,
what about mine?
What's on your tie? Tintin moon
rockets. Oh, for fuck's sake.
It amazes me you ever found
your way out of your mother's womb.
Here he is! Minister!
Minister, does the government
have blood on its hands?
Are you resigning? Have you got
anything to say to the family?
Shouldn't you have done more,
Minister? Please! Not the trousers.
Let's show a little more decorum.
A man has died in tragic
and complicated circumstances.
This is not the time
for barked questions
or hurried judgment.
There will be a statement presently.
Was Mr Tickel killed
by politics, Mr Mannion?
Do relax... Heads up now, yeah?
Terri, poppet, can you send me out
a cry mail?
"We give a toss,
we're sorry for your loss, yeah?"
Peter, we might need to relaunch
the trousers.
Get him a tie, a bland one.
Glenn, one of yours, yeah?
Peter, I have a bit of news that I
should probably make you aware of.
Yes, I do know, Fergus. A man
with an amusing name has died.
Er, no, actually.
It's that this morning I...
Well, I set up a community bank.
What? You did what? You...
You... You set up a bank?
I had a moment of weakness
and they exploited it,
like Hugh Grant.
Yeah, well, we didn't
really have much choice
because it was all going to piss
in a kettle here,
so we had to get the economist
out of the way. What economist?
Well, we were having
a preliminary meeting
when Phil started to crow,
Glenn was having a meltdown -
it was embarrassing.
You bought a bank
out of social embarrassment?
I sometimes buy the Big Issue
out of social embarrassment,
I don't buy a fucking bank.
Oh... Peter,
this is so fucking us.
Just wind back, right.
Let's get this straight,
so I can deal with you two properly.
How much is this bank?
Well, 2 billion.
2 billion.
2 billion!
Sweet Tracy Emin!
All right, don't need
to shit yourself about it
because we're not buying it, OK?
It's funded by taxes.
That's all right then.
Oh, great, the triple!
I'm a nurse killer, a banker
and now I'm raising fucking taxes!
Well, you are meant to be
the bad cop, so what's our out?
You're giving me an actual noose
along with the metaphorical one.
Trousers!
Sorry, I'm getting your trousers.
Jesus, what were
you guys doing at the hotel?
There's a picture of you on a slide.
It's been tweeted by a golfer.
Oh, for...
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's gonna go big,
bigger than Charlie bit my finger.
You look like the Shit Family
Robinson. Aaahhhh!
Jesus Christ! Shit!
Oh, poor Stewart.
I think a bit of his brain broke.
My phone broke. I was up to
Warlock General in Dragonlance.
A year of my life, gone.
Er, Peter, speaking of socially
embarrassing situations,
what the fuck were you doing
being photographed on a slide?
It was the only place
we could get a fucking signal.
Two grown men in a playground -
that's a pretty clear signal.
Peter, Number 10 have
seen the photo. They don't want you
to make a statement.
Fergus, looks like you're up.
Statement on Tickle
in 10 minutes OK? Bring it!
I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down.
I don't want the fucking trousers.
Peter,
sorry to take this off you.
Yeah, but that's swings
and roundabouts, isn't it?
Coverly, comms.
Yeah, statement in er... Emma?
Yes. Statement in?
Nine. Nine, nine minutes.
Yep. OK, everyone.
Terri Coverly offline.
OK, shall I bring you some tea?
Oh, Peter, that tie's
a bit rubbish, isn't it?
Can I just...?
Why don't I just help you with that?
Just... I'm very willing to...
Take it.
Jesus, Christ, Terri.
Next time why don't you just
lick his spats?
This is not about changing
policy, this is not about running
away from our obligations...
Here you go. I managed to wrestle
your tie back off Terri.
There's some of her fingernails
in it.
Well, in the grand scheme of things,
that's not such a big deal.
You're not gonna watch your guy
give the statement? No.
He's not my guy, Phil. I'm
on my own here. There's no one quite
like me, not here, not any more.
Yeah. You're the last VHS in Oxfam.
They won't take them anymore,
I've tried.
Series one to five of the X Files -
nothing, can't give them away.
For a fairer NHS, for a fairer
public housing programme.
He's exactly why
people hate politicians.
He's making me hate politicians,
him in particular.
Any second now he's gonna do
the imaginary tits.
There they are.
Thank you.
Look at him.
Moments like this make you realise
why Elvis shot so many TVs.