The Thick of It (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 8 - Episode #3.8 - full transcript

Something fundamental was going to
happen to one of the characters

towards the end.
And it seemed like Malcolm,

who always thinks of himself
at the centre of events,

seemed the likely candidate
to find himself

cast out into the wilderness.

- You're back. Are you back?
- I'm back. Like ballroom dancing.

And I need your help, my little

Fuckbob Shitpants.

Peter played it like someone
who had been crying for two weeks

and has now just come back into work.

But you just see that kind of
slight exhaustion



that's drained him of something.

There's a very nice moment
where Malcolm Tucker

is sitting, rather bereft, on a sofa.

And you think, "Ah, at last,
we've got a picture of this man

"destroyed, however briefly," you know.

We're really very excited.

Yeah. This could be
the highlight of my career.

And I've taken a dump
in the White House.

See, that's great banter.
That's exactly what we're looking for.

Is it?

Steven Fleming believes that ultimately,
he will be the final murderer.

He will have the knife in his hand.

I thought it would be nice if Malcolm
did have a nemesis

but it wasn't a kind of...
It wasn't another Malcolm.



It wasn't a shouty, charismatic,

forceful sort of person.

It was someone in a suit
who looked like, you know,

he works in a bank.

The only thing I knew
I was going to hold onto was that...

is his striving to control, calm,

and to disguise everything
behind a smile,

however furious,
however ambitious he was.

Everything is camouflaged
within a smile.

He sort of tries to be charming and nice

and wants you to like him
and when clearly you don't like him,

he doesn't like that.

Would you please fucking, well...

(LAUGHING)

Do you know, I'm sorry.
I lost my temper.

Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?

Oh, I know, I've found it again.
It's all right.

He's this person who normally sees
himself as being on top of things,

controlled, safe pair of hands,

who, when he goes,
just goes to another country.

I am going to join Dan Miller's team
and then we are going to take you down.

We are going to take you down
to Funky Town!

Funky Town Centre, here you come!

Choo fucking choo!

Is this what you're threatening me with,
fucking disco lights

and a fucking choo-choo train?

- Had enough?
- You're a joke, Steve.

Malcolm is definitely a fighter,
not a quitter.

And the thing about Malcolm is
that he's doing the best

with what he's got.

And what he's got
is basically the dregs.

Off the record, matey, am I fucked?

Off the record,
and this is strictly between you, me

and that ornamental gate post
over there...

Of course.

...the report is strictly confidential
until publication.

(CHUCKLING)
Do you see what I've done there?

Yeah, it was funny.
While I was shooting that scene

I was thinking, "This is bizarre."
Because these are these two

odd characters who have got...
you know, are not two

of the central characters
of any of the episodes, you know.

And suddenly they're kind of driving
the whole story along.

But they're kind of a pair
of slightly dysfunctional men, really,

standing around in the park

trying to sort their lives out,

which was odd.
There was something about...

They're a sort of
administrative Likely Lads.

Yeah, we are pathetic but powerful,

and it's an odd thing
that you find, I think, in public life.

If you look at a local council,

some of those figures
at a local level are sort of

really quite ludicrous, really.

But they possess a lot of power.

I mean, all that dark arts
and spinning, that's yester-Malcolm.

That's not... You know,
that's not me any more.

I like the new me.
I mean, I feel 20 years younger.

TERRl: And you look it.
You look 20 years younger as...

- Do I?
- Mmm.

You're looking great yourself,
you know, at the moment.

Yeah, Malcolm, he's a bit like,
um, Gandalf,

when he goes from being
Grey Gandalf to White Gandalf.

You know, you... I spent all my time
looking at White Gandalf going,

"I don't understand.
Didn't you just fall off that thing

"with a dragon?"

You know, "Are you real now or what?"

And I kind of like... I love the way
Peter just plays it really down,

so you just think, "He's not shouting,
his vein isn't throbbing.

"What's going on? He's making tea.
I don't understand.

"This is even more unsettling

"than having, kind of standing
right there in front of me,

"shouting at me."

You can get great political comebacks.
If you're a politician,

you can do a Mandelson and keep
coming back again and again and again.

But for a spin doctor, it's difficult.

I think some are very tribal,
they would never cross.

Cross the floor, so to speak.

Others, I think, are more dedicated

to the art, to the job of government.

And less to the party.

And I also read
sort of speculation as to,

you know, what's going to happen
in the next series.

Will Malcolm cross the floor?
Will he be signed up?

Malcolm would never do
anything like that.

He will go down fighting,

even if it's only him
and a little girl left behind.

You know, he'll put a helmet
on that little girl,

give her a shield and a sword

and tell her to get the fuck out there
and stab someone.

He will not give up.

JB,

Cal Richards,

and their hordes of fucking robots.

They're coming over the hill towards us.

And all you have got to do is this.

Bend down,
pick up any fucking weapon you can

and twat the fuckery out of them!

As we were shooting those last scenes,

there was a certain atmosphere.

'Cause we shoot in chronological,
in story order,

so that last scenes to be shot
on the very last day

were the closing scenes
of the last episode,

as everyone was leaving
for the election,

sort of not quite knowing
what was going to happen next.

So it could very well be the last time
they were all in the room together.

At the very end
when we were walking away,

the characters are walking away,

and I thought,
"God, this genuinely is it."

And you and I walked out
round the corner

to where... what's called
"the video village" is stationed,

which is the monitors on which
the director and the heads of department

watch the takes.

So that we could see, we could view,

the final ever moments of this thing.

And we walked round, and I stood there

and as I realised it was
the last moments, I thought,

"I should find James. We should stand
and watch this together."

And I look round, and you were
rooting about for a sandwich

in the sandwich box!

And I thought, "Ah, fuck him, then."

- You've got... Thank you.
- Oh, sorry, I scratched you.

Honestly, it's...
I just want to say, honestly...

I mean it.

They're all so emotionally stunted
as characters.

So the fact that Nicola can't even
shake hands with Glenn

'cause she's busy eating an apple

is a symbol of that
just inability to actually articulate.

So they all just sort of shuffle around
and just go, "Well, uh..."

(MUTTERING)

- Mmm.
- And I think in some ways,

because we're British,
you know, that makes it more poignant

because it's all unsaid.

Whether they come back
as the government, we don't know.

But I do think

a lot of really interesting stuff
will happen in the next 12 months.

So, you know, that should feed into
the next series.

I like those sudden changes,
which politics is good at delivering

of, like, it's all over,

you know, you've got to move out
of the White House.

And I think there's something
quite thrilling about democracy,

about, "Sorry, mate, you're all off.
It's all over."

And it's pretty brutal, I think,

to the people involved.

My experience is... I've been
a minister for nearly eight years now.

If you take Yes Minister,

and you mix in a bit of The Thick of It

and you mix in a bit of The West Wing

and you mix in a bit of EastEnders,

it's more like that.

Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here.

- STEWART: Cal!
- Hello.

- Hi.
- This is Stewart.

- Hi, Stewart. Good to see you.
- I didn't know about this.

- JB didn't say anything.
- Hello, everyone.

I just wanted it to be a surprise.

For those who have followed
the programmes

and In the Loop and so on,
there's a little in-joke there

with who it is that's playing it.

But I also cast because
I've seen Tom do that sort of, you know,

focused ball of fury really well.

This government has run this country
into the ground.

This used to be a green
and pleasant land,

now it's the colour
of the fucking BBC weather map.

It looks like anaemic dogshit.

There's, you know,
as the election's called,

this little signal
that there is a dark heart

at the heart of opposition tactics
as well.

So it will be a mighty titanic fight

between both sides, come the election.

During the election
the government runs on autopilot,

which it pretty much does anyway,

except there isn't a politician
pretending to take the credit

as they normally do.

- Did I miss anything?
- Well, uh, Glenn won a pound

- on a scratch card.
- That's my retirement sorted.

So, we get out there and hust, do we?

- Hmm?
- Hust. We go to the hustings.

I'd be interested to know
what happens to the nation's economy

during an election campaign when there's
no one running the country, effectively.

It'd be an interesting little study
to see whether actually

we kind of... Our output goes up,

feel-good factor increases.
I don't know. It'd be interesting.