The Thick of It (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 7 - Episode #3.7 - full transcript
Nicola is keen to find a famous sports person to front her Healthy Choices campaign but Tucker is officially on holiday - or rather recovering from the result of his spat with Terri. Thus new spin doctor Steve Fleming is brought in and whilst Ollie may regard him as a saviour this is the man Tucker once drummed out of the party. The last thing he wants is to give his old adversary power over him so he holds a cosy press conference,stressing that,whatever people think,he is still in charge.
Steve Fleming is a bullshitter.
I mean, he's a total bullshitter.
- And he's fake, isn't he?
- Mmm.
You can tell from the moment
he sort of smarms up,
sort of kissy-kissy
and shaking your hand,
that there's something
inauthentic there.
- Morning, campers.
- Ah!
- Steve Fleming.
- Ha-ha.
- Oh, no.
- Hello... Oh, okay.
- Mmm, hello, Nicola.
- Hi.
You look like you've lost some weight.
- Do I? Don't think so but...
- Yeah.
Ah, I think so, yes.
No, your face looks quite gaunt.
Muscly.
I suppose if you're in that
high-pressure environment,
the one thing you need
if you're being, you know,
constantly barracked by somebody,
is at least do it honestly.
- At least tell me...
- Be honest, yeah.
...that you're bollocking me.
At least swear at me, you know.
But if you're doing it in a kind of
smarmy, kissy-kissy way,
then that must be
absolutely infuriating.
He is unctuous, and, um, peculiar.
And he's got a filthy temper on him,
hasn't he?
We know that Malcolm is aggressive
but can be charming,
whereas Steve Fleming is the opposite.
He would like to think
that he is essentially charming,
although it's a pretty autistic form
of charm.
But if he's confronted,
he's... It's like...
He's very passive aggressive,
you know, he will turn
and snap at some point.
- What have you both got so far?
- Well, actually,
now we've been trying to think of
a replacement for Andy Murray.
- (SIGHS) Ah, yeah.
- Some of the women footballers,
- uh, Jessica Clarke or Sue Smith...
- But we don't think they're...
...or Faye White.
- I cannot believe
the energy going into Andy Murray!
He has a sort of presentational flair
which Malcolm clearly doesn't have.
But actually, that's one thing
that makes him utterly despicable.
I think he's just
a worse James Bond kind of...
you know, he feels like he's 008.
And just feels like, "I want 007 back."
So, I think the portrayal is brilliant,
the acting is brilliant,
but I think he serves to make you go,
"Oh, I didn't mind it so much
when Malcolm was around."
Olly and Glenn have always been
in awe of Malcolm.
They've always felt a slight fear
and a slight admiration for him.
But as he gets more unhinged,
there is the real sense of,
"We can't afford this.
"We can't afford..."
I mean, I think it's this disbelief
that Malcolm, the great Malcolm Tucker,
could possibly not be a wizard.
He's really on holiday?
Malcolm hasn't been on holiday
for 10 years.
Malcolm's got to keep moving
or he's dead.
He's like a shark, or Bob Dylan.
Seeing Malcolm at home,
throwing a party
for his journalist friends,
is quite a scary thing,
because it's sort of, on one level,
it kind of suggests
that he is out of power.
I'm still running the show, right?
If you're still running the show,
why do you need to tell us?
Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this.
It would be very much
fucking appreciated
if you could emphasise the fact
that I'm at the heart of government,
because it's fucking true.
You know, you're finally beginning
to see the man behind the curtains,
and that's terrifying to them,
I think, in a way,
because it means,
"We're not safe. We could lose."
I had no idea, no idea,
that it was Malcolm
who drafted Fleming's
resignation letter in 2003.
I forgot your political memory
only goes back
- two issues of The Economist.
- Hey!
PR gurus always say, don't they,
that once you become the story
you've stopped doing your job,
and I think it is very important
for these people to be
in the background.
They then become
the lightning conductor.
We saw it with Mrs Thatcher's advisor
Bernard Ingham.
We've seen it with others working
for chancellors and prime ministers.
And of course,
politicians get very jealous
of the coverage and of the influence
that they have.
But in their defence,
you cannot run government without them,
because there is such a huge amount
on a modern prime minister's plate
that he or she needs people around them
who can carry out their instructions
and their policies.
So I've got some sympathy for them,
some jealousy for them,
but, yeah, they've got a shelf life.
It's very hard for their tricks
not to become very obvious
to the people who they're dealing with,
so they just run out of road, really.
People have heard it
too many times from them.
They lose credibility if they've
said things that weren't true,
or were economical with the truth.
Yeah, and once the spin doctor
becomes the story,
that's the end, as we found out with
Charlie Whelan and Alastair Campbell.
So they don't live forever,
but Malcolm Tucker's lived long enough
to amuse a lot of us
for quite some time.
In the dying days of an administration,
you don't really want somebody
spinning all the time.
What you really want is somebody
who's able to keep a lid on stuff.
And I think what we've seen
in Episode 6,
and again in 7, is that Malcolm
isn't very good at doing that.
He doesn't shut stuff down.
I mean, they cheer, don't they?
When Malcolm resigns, they cheer.
- And I was slightly surprised by that.
- And find a bottle of champagne.
They find a bottle of champagne.
"Hooray, he's gone."
(OLLY CHEERING)
- Happy days!
- Oh, I just want to hug someone.
Is this good?
I mean, it feels good, but...
That always felt slightly strange to me.
It always felt like
something...
That's a really big seismic shift.
It's not like an enemy's gone.
They seem to be celebrating
the end of an enemy,
but Malcolm going,
it's the end of an era,
it's the end of their protection,
they're totally on their own
from that point.
As we went through the series,
I started to have more and more respect
for the sense that, yes,
of course he's Machiavellian
and he's evil from time to time,
but actually, there is a real core
of kind of decency
and good in Malcolm in a very odd way.
- Mmm.
- Very odd way.
But there is something there
that he absolutely believes in it,
and he will do whatever it takes,
because he knows it's right.
You know that thing where people retire,
they've got a long time beforehand
to prepare.
If they don't prepare
for what they're going to do,
they kind of go nuts a bit,
because having been something,
they're then nothing.
- Yes.
- And the thing about Malcolm is
- it's like that.
- Yes.
He doesn't even really
have time to prepare.
Because the time he could be spending
preparing for that
is energy he has to put into
preventing it from happening,
or attempting to prevent it
from happening.
And then eventually, suddenly,
especially at the end of Episode 7,
he doesn't see it,
until right at the end,
he doesn't see that he's been set up.
- Shall I go first?
- Warm them up.
Tell him Olivier's on his way,
but in the meantime
he has an audience
with Peter fucking Bowles.
So, Malcolm's 50. All right?
Malcolm's 50,
and then he resigns
at the end of Episode 7.
What does he think he's going to do
with the next...
- Twenty years.
- Yeah.
Scrabble. I reckon Scrabble.
I think he does sweary Scrabble at home.
Maybe it's time he went off
and wrote a novel or something,
or started campaigning for a charity
outside of politics.
He probably dabbles
in the private sector,
who harbour all sorts of delusions
about how applicable
and transferable his skills are
to the way things are done there.
Malcolm Tucker would be a millionaire
in the real world
if he were to go into it
with his own consultancy,
because it's amazing just how much kudos
they actually have.
What should Malcolm do?
Well, he should go and present
a television programme, shouldn't he?
Because he would be very quick
at presenting.
He'll be able to react to the gallery,
react to events,
and he'll be able to be his own person
and not his master's voice,
and that's what happens to them.
It's curtains. No curtain call.
Everyone loved the show,
but it just wasn't buttering
any parsnips any more, brother!
Yeah, you don't have the fucking balls
apart from that
fucking great, inflated fucking ball
on the fucking end of your fucking neck.
Oh, look!
STEVE: Ohh!
(STEVE WHISPERING)
"Malcolm Tucker resigns."
Instantly, his life is changed,
devastated.
- What will happen?
- Mmm-hmm.
Tune in next week.
I know. Actually, it's all right.
He's fine, he goes into baking.
- Does he?
- Mmm.
- They wouldn't show me that script.
- That he goes into baking?
- Yeah. Bastards.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Were you not in Episode 9?
- No.
(MUTTERING) Bastards.
I mean, he's a total bullshitter.
- And he's fake, isn't he?
- Mmm.
You can tell from the moment
he sort of smarms up,
sort of kissy-kissy
and shaking your hand,
that there's something
inauthentic there.
- Morning, campers.
- Ah!
- Steve Fleming.
- Ha-ha.
- Oh, no.
- Hello... Oh, okay.
- Mmm, hello, Nicola.
- Hi.
You look like you've lost some weight.
- Do I? Don't think so but...
- Yeah.
Ah, I think so, yes.
No, your face looks quite gaunt.
Muscly.
I suppose if you're in that
high-pressure environment,
the one thing you need
if you're being, you know,
constantly barracked by somebody,
is at least do it honestly.
- At least tell me...
- Be honest, yeah.
...that you're bollocking me.
At least swear at me, you know.
But if you're doing it in a kind of
smarmy, kissy-kissy way,
then that must be
absolutely infuriating.
He is unctuous, and, um, peculiar.
And he's got a filthy temper on him,
hasn't he?
We know that Malcolm is aggressive
but can be charming,
whereas Steve Fleming is the opposite.
He would like to think
that he is essentially charming,
although it's a pretty autistic form
of charm.
But if he's confronted,
he's... It's like...
He's very passive aggressive,
you know, he will turn
and snap at some point.
- What have you both got so far?
- Well, actually,
now we've been trying to think of
a replacement for Andy Murray.
- (SIGHS) Ah, yeah.
- Some of the women footballers,
- uh, Jessica Clarke or Sue Smith...
- But we don't think they're...
...or Faye White.
- I cannot believe
the energy going into Andy Murray!
He has a sort of presentational flair
which Malcolm clearly doesn't have.
But actually, that's one thing
that makes him utterly despicable.
I think he's just
a worse James Bond kind of...
you know, he feels like he's 008.
And just feels like, "I want 007 back."
So, I think the portrayal is brilliant,
the acting is brilliant,
but I think he serves to make you go,
"Oh, I didn't mind it so much
when Malcolm was around."
Olly and Glenn have always been
in awe of Malcolm.
They've always felt a slight fear
and a slight admiration for him.
But as he gets more unhinged,
there is the real sense of,
"We can't afford this.
"We can't afford..."
I mean, I think it's this disbelief
that Malcolm, the great Malcolm Tucker,
could possibly not be a wizard.
He's really on holiday?
Malcolm hasn't been on holiday
for 10 years.
Malcolm's got to keep moving
or he's dead.
He's like a shark, or Bob Dylan.
Seeing Malcolm at home,
throwing a party
for his journalist friends,
is quite a scary thing,
because it's sort of, on one level,
it kind of suggests
that he is out of power.
I'm still running the show, right?
If you're still running the show,
why do you need to tell us?
Geoffrey, all I'm saying is this.
It would be very much
fucking appreciated
if you could emphasise the fact
that I'm at the heart of government,
because it's fucking true.
You know, you're finally beginning
to see the man behind the curtains,
and that's terrifying to them,
I think, in a way,
because it means,
"We're not safe. We could lose."
I had no idea, no idea,
that it was Malcolm
who drafted Fleming's
resignation letter in 2003.
I forgot your political memory
only goes back
- two issues of The Economist.
- Hey!
PR gurus always say, don't they,
that once you become the story
you've stopped doing your job,
and I think it is very important
for these people to be
in the background.
They then become
the lightning conductor.
We saw it with Mrs Thatcher's advisor
Bernard Ingham.
We've seen it with others working
for chancellors and prime ministers.
And of course,
politicians get very jealous
of the coverage and of the influence
that they have.
But in their defence,
you cannot run government without them,
because there is such a huge amount
on a modern prime minister's plate
that he or she needs people around them
who can carry out their instructions
and their policies.
So I've got some sympathy for them,
some jealousy for them,
but, yeah, they've got a shelf life.
It's very hard for their tricks
not to become very obvious
to the people who they're dealing with,
so they just run out of road, really.
People have heard it
too many times from them.
They lose credibility if they've
said things that weren't true,
or were economical with the truth.
Yeah, and once the spin doctor
becomes the story,
that's the end, as we found out with
Charlie Whelan and Alastair Campbell.
So they don't live forever,
but Malcolm Tucker's lived long enough
to amuse a lot of us
for quite some time.
In the dying days of an administration,
you don't really want somebody
spinning all the time.
What you really want is somebody
who's able to keep a lid on stuff.
And I think what we've seen
in Episode 6,
and again in 7, is that Malcolm
isn't very good at doing that.
He doesn't shut stuff down.
I mean, they cheer, don't they?
When Malcolm resigns, they cheer.
- And I was slightly surprised by that.
- And find a bottle of champagne.
They find a bottle of champagne.
"Hooray, he's gone."
(OLLY CHEERING)
- Happy days!
- Oh, I just want to hug someone.
Is this good?
I mean, it feels good, but...
That always felt slightly strange to me.
It always felt like
something...
That's a really big seismic shift.
It's not like an enemy's gone.
They seem to be celebrating
the end of an enemy,
but Malcolm going,
it's the end of an era,
it's the end of their protection,
they're totally on their own
from that point.
As we went through the series,
I started to have more and more respect
for the sense that, yes,
of course he's Machiavellian
and he's evil from time to time,
but actually, there is a real core
of kind of decency
and good in Malcolm in a very odd way.
- Mmm.
- Very odd way.
But there is something there
that he absolutely believes in it,
and he will do whatever it takes,
because he knows it's right.
You know that thing where people retire,
they've got a long time beforehand
to prepare.
If they don't prepare
for what they're going to do,
they kind of go nuts a bit,
because having been something,
they're then nothing.
- Yes.
- And the thing about Malcolm is
- it's like that.
- Yes.
He doesn't even really
have time to prepare.
Because the time he could be spending
preparing for that
is energy he has to put into
preventing it from happening,
or attempting to prevent it
from happening.
And then eventually, suddenly,
especially at the end of Episode 7,
he doesn't see it,
until right at the end,
he doesn't see that he's been set up.
- Shall I go first?
- Warm them up.
Tell him Olivier's on his way,
but in the meantime
he has an audience
with Peter fucking Bowles.
So, Malcolm's 50. All right?
Malcolm's 50,
and then he resigns
at the end of Episode 7.
What does he think he's going to do
with the next...
- Twenty years.
- Yeah.
Scrabble. I reckon Scrabble.
I think he does sweary Scrabble at home.
Maybe it's time he went off
and wrote a novel or something,
or started campaigning for a charity
outside of politics.
He probably dabbles
in the private sector,
who harbour all sorts of delusions
about how applicable
and transferable his skills are
to the way things are done there.
Malcolm Tucker would be a millionaire
in the real world
if he were to go into it
with his own consultancy,
because it's amazing just how much kudos
they actually have.
What should Malcolm do?
Well, he should go and present
a television programme, shouldn't he?
Because he would be very quick
at presenting.
He'll be able to react to the gallery,
react to events,
and he'll be able to be his own person
and not his master's voice,
and that's what happens to them.
It's curtains. No curtain call.
Everyone loved the show,
but it just wasn't buttering
any parsnips any more, brother!
Yeah, you don't have the fucking balls
apart from that
fucking great, inflated fucking ball
on the fucking end of your fucking neck.
Oh, look!
STEVE: Ohh!
(STEVE WHISPERING)
"Malcolm Tucker resigns."
Instantly, his life is changed,
devastated.
- What will happen?
- Mmm-hmm.
Tune in next week.
I know. Actually, it's all right.
He's fine, he goes into baking.
- Does he?
- Mmm.
- They wouldn't show me that script.
- That he goes into baking?
- Yeah. Bastards.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Were you not in Episode 9?
- No.
(MUTTERING) Bastards.