The Thick of It (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript

Malcolm is starting to confide,

you know, "You've no idea what it's like
at Number 10.

"You've no idea
what I have to deal with."

So, you know, the pressure
of the job is getting to him.

He had that long sequence
when he confides in Terri.

- Yeah.
- And we've never seen that before.

1 I think you're wrong, Malcolm.

You're like a sultana in a salad.

Terri, can we have a word?

That sequence where Malcolm has
his semi-breakdown in front of Terri,

our job as characters was to sort of
stand and look



amazed, really, outside the glass.

And I can remember

watching that happen,
watching Peter take Jo into that room,

and for the first 30 seconds thinking,
"I need to look amazed."

And then I just stopped
acting after that

because it's one of the most amazing
things I've ever seen in my life.

He did it in a take, basically, he had
to do two little pick-ups for lines,

but he did that thing in a take.

I used to be the fucking pharaoh, Terri.
I used to be the fucking pharaoh.

Mmm.

Now I'm fucking floundering
in a fucking Nile of shit.

And I was saying to Rebecca afterwards,
we just stood there going...

So when you see us going...

We're just kind of astounded
by the power of this man's performance.



He's amazing.
Don't tell him we said that.

- No, cut that bit.
- He gets terribly, terribly big-headed.

- Yeah.
- But it was incredible.

The Prime Minister is absolutely
the right man for the moment.

- Not for the moment.
- For the moment?

That's the worst possible thing
that you could say.

Terri, get the dozy giblet back in here.

These are people digging their own hole

and then shitting in the hole
and then rolling around in the shit.

And saying, "Oh, no!
Look, I'm covered in shit."

Um, so... so...

That's why the lockdown works, I think,
as another example of one of those

problems that would be
a lot better dealt with

with a little less action.

Daily politics and the in-fighting,
if you can put it that way,

is very, very quick and ferocious,

but I spend probably
about 90% of my time

on medium, longer-term stuff.

The exciting stuff is what you see
in The Thick Of It, though.

The BBC have put it on the website.

You saying that the PM's
the best man for the job.

- Shit.
- Yeah. And they're saying

that you fired the starter pistol
on a new leadership bid.

- OLLY: I've got it on here.
- I mean, yes. Absolutely.

At some point, I would love
there to be a female leader.

I can't imagine what she'd be like
leading the party.

And she'd certainly be
a very, very long shot.

I mean, she's not terrifically bright.

And she's not very consistent.
And she's given to panic.

And so, in many ways she is a liability.

Well, these days they do say,
don't they, that brightness is actually

against you in terms of being

- the leader of a party.
- Oh, really?

Oh, well. In that case, yeah.
I'll go for it. Yeah.

It's pretty inconceivable
but in a period of opposition flux,

it's not totally unimaginable
that she might be a kind of

head of the politburo for three weeks

kind of like, "Oh, did she slip in here?
We all voted for her that week.

"It all went a bit mental."

So I think she would be
a surprising choice

but there might be a political climate
in which everyone decided she was,

she was the lain Duncan Smith
of the day

and that she was going to be
a safe pair of hands,

which she definitely wouldn't be.

I don't think she would be
a very good leader.

She's too emotive
and she's got too many mad ideas.

My aim is to bake a cake
that actually can consume itself,

'cause that, in a sense,
is what the Fourth Sector is doing.

We're baking a self-eating cake.

I mean, I think she talks at one point
about Fourth Sector pathfinders,

which is marvellous.

And it's funny because
you could imagine someone saying it.

I wouldn't be surprised if some
New Labour minister at some point

has actually said it.

I remember one minister describing
this great voluntary sector

as the third leg of the stool.

And I'm not quite sure what anybody
was meant to make of that,

so sometimes phrases that

are a bit too complicated,
a bit too buzzy,

and they sound like they've come
either from a think tank

or from a management consultant,

sometimes they end up in a speech
or being used on the floor

of the House Of Commons.

And you can see sometimes
even MPs in there

scratching their heads and thinking,
"What is he on about?"

If she were leading the party,

she'd probably have
slightly better advice.

Or maybe not.

But arguably, she might have
a better team around her.

With a better team, she'd actually be
a more successful politician

than she is at the moment.

I am going to stand in the election.

Fucking hell.

Sort of hard to take on board.

It's like being told
your dad's gay or something.

I am strangely really proud of you.

I think it's nice,
the fact that you find out

that Glenn is standing as
a prospective parliamentary candidate.

In the world of politics,
amongst researchers and advisors,

it's a bit like
"Have you ever thought of acting?"

To people in the media world.
"Oh, no! I never would."

But you sort of suspect that
they wouldn't have gone into that world

if basically they didn't want to be
Prime Minister.

I think that special advisors
have grown in importance

under the current government.

They've been given authority to really,
in effect, overrule civil servants,

which was never the case before 1997.

But they've always been influential
and powerful.

And yes, I don't think
that The Thick Of It

overstates their influence
and importance, either.

Yeah, I think the same hierarchy
exists within spads

as it does within politicians.
You want to be top dog.

I'm sure the Treasury spads
strut their stuff over everybody else.

You're also, I think,
very loyal to your particular minister,

so your fortunes rise and fall
with him or her.

I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP
have been torpedoed

by the U-boat that was you.

He's quite moral, isn't he, Glenn?
He's the closest...

He's the closest to
actually steadily moral

in the whole thing,
and he's just as blown by the winds

as everybody else in some respects,

but he kind of feels it more,
I always think.

I think Glenn is
an old-fashioned idealist.

And I think Glenn and Olly compete
not to be the whipping boy of DoSAC.

I think that's essentially
what their relationship is.

They're constantly attacking
one another.

Glenn mentioning his seniority
and calling Olly inconsequential.

And Olly mocking Glenn's age
as though he's somehow

old-fashioned and no good
and should be put out to pasture.

That's what they're doing.
They're competing all the time

not to be at the bottom.

If anything, Glenn, I am hung under.

First DoSAC party under the new regime,

you lasted till, I'd say, seven?

Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie.

Yes. But only in the way that, you know,
jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life.

What was it last night, then?
Candlelit anniversary dinner for one?

I think, actually, Glenn's private life
is probably more pleasant

than everyone else in the show
makes out.

There's a great deal of play made
of the fact that he's like some

octogenarian kind of...

pervert.

I mean, that seems to me
that he's just sort of

over 50 and isn't reading Nuts magazine,

so I think I'd stick up for Glenn

and say he probably goes home
and has a nice glass of red wine

and watches Newsnight
and does the crossword

and is having a perfectly nice time.

Whatever he does, he does it cleanly.

- I'm fairly confident of that.
- Well, I was going to say

that I thought there might be
a few dirty handkerchiefs.

- Oh, do you think?
- But who knows? I mean...

I think there's a slight tendency
towards OCD with Glenn.

- Do you?
- Mmm. I suspect everything's...

- He cleans up afterwards?
- Oh, yeah.

- After what?
- Mmm.

How are you feeling about things?

Well, you know, I'm just
trying to do my best and,

you know, make sure I can still
get home by 6:00.

Terri can see certain things going wrong
but is missing a lot of others.

She's such a B+ kind of woman, really.

- And um, you know...
- That's great.

...you need a bit more in that job,
I suspect.

It would be too much effort
to be an A-, wouldn't it?

- It'd just mean coming in earlier.
- Yeah. Why should she?

It would mean coming in earlier,
staying later,

spending your weekend reading
sort of management books.

And she probably could be more,
that's what's frustrating about her.

She could probably be extremely good
and she just cannot be arsed.