The Thick of It (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript
Nicola and Ollie are in a hotel room at Eastbourne with annoying press officer John Duggan,trying to write her speech for the annual party conference. Glenn meets Julie Price,a tragic widow whose situation could be useful to Nicloa but when Tucker tries to beef up the story it leads to a fight with Glenn - which Julie leaks on Twitter. Glenn does end up with a little T.L.C. and Nicola's speech could have been a lot worse,given that Terri was asking Robyn to provide jokes for her.
So, we're still going to need jokes
on the Peter Mannion section.
Look, Nicola, are you absolutely sure
that you want to do jokes?
I'm not saying that you're not funny,
because obviously you are funny
sometimes but...
Nicola, you strike me very much
as somebody that doesn't do jokes.
You strike me as somebody
who doesn't do any fucking thing!
Did you not say you were busy?
Yeah, well, I am. Yeah. No, I am.
I'm up against it.
I'm spitting feathers.
"Spitting feathers" means
you're thirsty.
No, uh, I'm thirsty as well.
Anybody fancy a pint?
- (NICOLA SIGHS)
- Joke.
(STAMMERS) Uh, no,
I've got to wait for Glenn
to bring Julie what's-her-face
back from the toilet
so I can give her the tour.
- Where are they?
- Glenn has taken her
to Nicola's toilet.
(LAUGHS) It's like being
back in college, isn't it?
You know, Freshers' Week.
It's just as busy, isn't it?
- NICOLA: Stop talking.
- Right, okay.
Oh, dear. That's bad,
Glenn and a woman in a toilet.
(IMITATING GLENN) "Hello, Julie.
"Would you like
to see the Minister's room?
"It's very cosy, isn't it?
Just right for a little kissy-kissy?
"Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me?
"Have you met my little friend,
old blind Bob?"
Just doing an impression
of my friend, old blind Bob.
- Liar.
- I'm not being really horrible,
but are you actually autistic?
No. But you'd be surprised
how many people ask me that.
No comment.
It is completely unbelievable
that Glenn Cullen would be punched
by a member of his own team
in full view of passersby.
That's more likely to happen in private,
where nobody can see it happening.
Really? Well, if you know
all the bloody answers,
why are you asking me?
But what has he got, right?
He's got absolutely nothing.
It's hearsay, right?
So I need a flat denial,
flat denial, from everyone. Yes?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes.
- Yes, good.
And I need you, big man.
(STAMMERS) Why?
Because I'm going to invite
some hacks up here,
going to give them some drinks
and I'm going to show them
what good mates we are, eh?
- Do we have to?
- Yes, we do have to do it.
And I want you to be telling
some really fucking amusing anecdotes
about our long weekend at Prague.
He's going to hit me again, isn't he?
I don't mind being hit,
it's just the making up afterwards
that scares me shitless.
Tom, it's like the Cold War
all over again.
You don't know who's a spy
or who they're fucking working for.
No, I'm not being paranoid.
Who told you that?
Yeah. I'll see you later -
at the safe house.
Oh, and here's Malcolm Tucker.
You're live on the Telegraph Party
Conference vodcast.
Can you spare us a few minutes?
I think that's a no.
- Robyn?
- ROBYN: Terri?
Where are you and what are you doing?
I'm drinking an Americano
somewhere between Kenley and Caterham.
I'm on the way to my sister's.
I'm living the dream, Robyn.
What have you done this morning?
What haven't I done?
You know, that's the better question.
All right, then. I'm guessing you
haven't circulated the briefing note
- on the community food clubs.
- You know, I resent that.
Well, what is a community
food club, then?
I, uh... Well, it's a way of bringing,
uh, communities together with food.
- You haven't even read it.
- I don't have to have read it
to have circulated it, do I?
Don't you think it's a bit strange
that every time there's nothing
going on in the department,
you visit your sister?
Well, little Miss Bletchley Park,
what is "visiting my sister"
code for, then?
I don't know. It could be anything.
It could be a tryst.
- My sister?
- Well, it could be a girl-on-girl tryst.
See, this is the problem
with the modern age, the blogosphere.
And it is a fear. It's everywhere.
We call it the i-Zilla.
No one can tame the Beast of Blogmin.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Make a deal with these bloggers.
Threaten them!
It's your fucking job, isn't it?
Malcolm, that is not
how the internet works.
It's a world-wide, you know, web.
That's where that comes from.
Look, I need you to find
the incy wincy fucking spider.
Take your rolled-up wank mag
and fucking squash the fucker!
Right, can you do that?
Malcolm, I've got a lot on...
Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.
Okay, right.
Get out of my fucking sight.
I don't want to see your face.
Get out of here,
before I remember your face
and how I want to replace it
with a fucking bloodstained
breeze block.
Robyn, I need a joke.
Something about Peter Mannion.
Can you think of anything?
Yeah, but Nicola doesn't do jokes,
especially not about Peter.
I mean, that's just
like a stupid, mangy tabby cat
trying to take the piss out
of a really clever leopard
that's got really lovely, sleek,
thick hair. I mean, it's just wrong.
I know that comedy is not your forte...
Okay. How do you make a paper baby?
- I don't know.
- You sleep with an old bag.
Is that as good as it gets?
Uh, I'm much funnier
after I've had a few Baileys.
I mean, I could always go
down to the bar and then...
All right, Robyn.
You wouldn't know she's never
done this before, would you?
- I think she's doing very well actually.
- Hmm.
- (NICOLA SPEAKING ON TV)
- Mmm. She's doing terrific.
And actually, no,
actually she's great fun to work for.
I mean, contrary to her image,
she's actually a very funny person
indeed, in person.
Yeah, everyone says that. It's just
no one wants to meet her in person.
- Ah...
- Come on.
Look, she's the best
of a bad bunch, right?
But she's not a fucking zombie, is she?
- (MOBILE RINGING)
- Oh. Excuse me.
- Hello?
- What?
This is fun, isn't it?
You're such a cunt.
There you are.
There you go with the banter again.
You're a funny fucker.
She has got a sort
of, uh, sour-faced kind of...
Sort of looks like she's gonna...
She's gonna go in for the world
fart-sniffing record, doesn't she?
Looks like she's gonna win, too.
Where are you, Terri?
TERRl: Yes, I'm on my way home now.
I just want you to know something.
I'm not going to be in tomorrow.
Nicola's given me the day off.
You've got another day off?
But that's so unfair!
I was talking to Nathan and he tells me
that you've been flopping about all day
reading Dan Brown.
So you've had your day off, haven't you?
What, and you believe him?
I mean, he doesn't even wash.
I've got to get going.
But one last titbit for you,
Glenn kissed someone.
Glenn? Kissed who?
Tell you later. Bye.
Terri? Terri?
OLLY: Honestly, you've got to see this.
Come here.
- What is it?
- Glenn is putting on
his retrosexual moves.
- No!
- Yeah.
NICOLA: Who is she?
OLLY: (LAUGHS) I don't know.
OLLY: If she is a she.
I think I can see
her madam's apple there.
NICOLA: Maybe they're just taking.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING) Oh!
OLLY: That's horrific. I think
he might actually have a tiny erection.
Oh, bless. But you know what,
he's had a rotten day.
- Yeah.
- I mean, he deserves a bit of TLC.
There's TLC and quick hand-job
in the car park.
I'm not saying that
that's what's happening.
This is like the worst porn film ever.
This is like the porn film
where the woman rings
for a special advisor
to give her an overview of
the last five years of social policy
- and they end up fucking.
- (NICOLA LAUGHING)
on the Peter Mannion section.
Look, Nicola, are you absolutely sure
that you want to do jokes?
I'm not saying that you're not funny,
because obviously you are funny
sometimes but...
Nicola, you strike me very much
as somebody that doesn't do jokes.
You strike me as somebody
who doesn't do any fucking thing!
Did you not say you were busy?
Yeah, well, I am. Yeah. No, I am.
I'm up against it.
I'm spitting feathers.
"Spitting feathers" means
you're thirsty.
No, uh, I'm thirsty as well.
Anybody fancy a pint?
- (NICOLA SIGHS)
- Joke.
(STAMMERS) Uh, no,
I've got to wait for Glenn
to bring Julie what's-her-face
back from the toilet
so I can give her the tour.
- Where are they?
- Glenn has taken her
to Nicola's toilet.
(LAUGHS) It's like being
back in college, isn't it?
You know, Freshers' Week.
It's just as busy, isn't it?
- NICOLA: Stop talking.
- Right, okay.
Oh, dear. That's bad,
Glenn and a woman in a toilet.
(IMITATING GLENN) "Hello, Julie.
"Would you like
to see the Minister's room?
"It's very cosy, isn't it?
Just right for a little kissy-kissy?
"Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me?
"Have you met my little friend,
old blind Bob?"
Just doing an impression
of my friend, old blind Bob.
- Liar.
- I'm not being really horrible,
but are you actually autistic?
No. But you'd be surprised
how many people ask me that.
No comment.
It is completely unbelievable
that Glenn Cullen would be punched
by a member of his own team
in full view of passersby.
That's more likely to happen in private,
where nobody can see it happening.
Really? Well, if you know
all the bloody answers,
why are you asking me?
But what has he got, right?
He's got absolutely nothing.
It's hearsay, right?
So I need a flat denial,
flat denial, from everyone. Yes?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes.
- Yes, good.
And I need you, big man.
(STAMMERS) Why?
Because I'm going to invite
some hacks up here,
going to give them some drinks
and I'm going to show them
what good mates we are, eh?
- Do we have to?
- Yes, we do have to do it.
And I want you to be telling
some really fucking amusing anecdotes
about our long weekend at Prague.
He's going to hit me again, isn't he?
I don't mind being hit,
it's just the making up afterwards
that scares me shitless.
Tom, it's like the Cold War
all over again.
You don't know who's a spy
or who they're fucking working for.
No, I'm not being paranoid.
Who told you that?
Yeah. I'll see you later -
at the safe house.
Oh, and here's Malcolm Tucker.
You're live on the Telegraph Party
Conference vodcast.
Can you spare us a few minutes?
I think that's a no.
- Robyn?
- ROBYN: Terri?
Where are you and what are you doing?
I'm drinking an Americano
somewhere between Kenley and Caterham.
I'm on the way to my sister's.
I'm living the dream, Robyn.
What have you done this morning?
What haven't I done?
You know, that's the better question.
All right, then. I'm guessing you
haven't circulated the briefing note
- on the community food clubs.
- You know, I resent that.
Well, what is a community
food club, then?
I, uh... Well, it's a way of bringing,
uh, communities together with food.
- You haven't even read it.
- I don't have to have read it
to have circulated it, do I?
Don't you think it's a bit strange
that every time there's nothing
going on in the department,
you visit your sister?
Well, little Miss Bletchley Park,
what is "visiting my sister"
code for, then?
I don't know. It could be anything.
It could be a tryst.
- My sister?
- Well, it could be a girl-on-girl tryst.
See, this is the problem
with the modern age, the blogosphere.
And it is a fear. It's everywhere.
We call it the i-Zilla.
No one can tame the Beast of Blogmin.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Make a deal with these bloggers.
Threaten them!
It's your fucking job, isn't it?
Malcolm, that is not
how the internet works.
It's a world-wide, you know, web.
That's where that comes from.
Look, I need you to find
the incy wincy fucking spider.
Take your rolled-up wank mag
and fucking squash the fucker!
Right, can you do that?
Malcolm, I've got a lot on...
Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.
Okay, right.
Get out of my fucking sight.
I don't want to see your face.
Get out of here,
before I remember your face
and how I want to replace it
with a fucking bloodstained
breeze block.
Robyn, I need a joke.
Something about Peter Mannion.
Can you think of anything?
Yeah, but Nicola doesn't do jokes,
especially not about Peter.
I mean, that's just
like a stupid, mangy tabby cat
trying to take the piss out
of a really clever leopard
that's got really lovely, sleek,
thick hair. I mean, it's just wrong.
I know that comedy is not your forte...
Okay. How do you make a paper baby?
- I don't know.
- You sleep with an old bag.
Is that as good as it gets?
Uh, I'm much funnier
after I've had a few Baileys.
I mean, I could always go
down to the bar and then...
All right, Robyn.
You wouldn't know she's never
done this before, would you?
- I think she's doing very well actually.
- Hmm.
- (NICOLA SPEAKING ON TV)
- Mmm. She's doing terrific.
And actually, no,
actually she's great fun to work for.
I mean, contrary to her image,
she's actually a very funny person
indeed, in person.
Yeah, everyone says that. It's just
no one wants to meet her in person.
- Ah...
- Come on.
Look, she's the best
of a bad bunch, right?
But she's not a fucking zombie, is she?
- (MOBILE RINGING)
- Oh. Excuse me.
- Hello?
- What?
This is fun, isn't it?
You're such a cunt.
There you are.
There you go with the banter again.
You're a funny fucker.
She has got a sort
of, uh, sour-faced kind of...
Sort of looks like she's gonna...
She's gonna go in for the world
fart-sniffing record, doesn't she?
Looks like she's gonna win, too.
Where are you, Terri?
TERRl: Yes, I'm on my way home now.
I just want you to know something.
I'm not going to be in tomorrow.
Nicola's given me the day off.
You've got another day off?
But that's so unfair!
I was talking to Nathan and he tells me
that you've been flopping about all day
reading Dan Brown.
So you've had your day off, haven't you?
What, and you believe him?
I mean, he doesn't even wash.
I've got to get going.
But one last titbit for you,
Glenn kissed someone.
Glenn? Kissed who?
Tell you later. Bye.
Terri? Terri?
OLLY: Honestly, you've got to see this.
Come here.
- What is it?
- Glenn is putting on
his retrosexual moves.
- No!
- Yeah.
NICOLA: Who is she?
OLLY: (LAUGHS) I don't know.
OLLY: If she is a she.
I think I can see
her madam's apple there.
NICOLA: Maybe they're just taking.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING) Oh!
OLLY: That's horrific. I think
he might actually have a tiny erection.
Oh, bless. But you know what,
he's had a rotten day.
- Yeah.
- I mean, he deserves a bit of TLC.
There's TLC and quick hand-job
in the car park.
I'm not saying that
that's what's happening.
This is like the worst porn film ever.
This is like the porn film
where the woman rings
for a special advisor
to give her an overview of
the last five years of social policy
- and they end up fucking.
- (NICOLA LAUGHING)