The State (1993–2009): Season 4, Episode 6 - Episode #3.12 - full transcript

And now back to:

Sponsored by Sugar Dingles.

Hi.

One thing I'm really good
at is blinking contests,

so come up close to the
screen, and, on the count of three,

first person to blink loses.

Are you ready?

One, two, three.

Okay, wait. Let's start again.

One, two... I'm
sorry. I'm sorry.

One, two... I have a
camera light in my eye.



Thank you. Okay.

One, two...

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

They brainwash
you in dental school



by telling you that
for every procedure,

you have to go through
the patient's mouth

to get to the teeth.

I cannot accept that.

There are other options.

Dr. Jack Sumner.

His methods may be questionable,

but he may just be the
future of American dentistry.

No, no, no.

We won't be going
through the mouth today.

Okay.

There are 67 potential
holes in the human body.

Why, in God's name,

do we insist on going
through the mouth?

Ahh!

Argh! Ah!

Damn wisdom teeth.

Brenda, sew that up.

Kumquats.

He was outspoken.

He was a real rebel.

He would come to
class half an hour late,

and he would leave
class half an hour early,

which I must admit,
was very frustrating,

because my classes
are 55 minutes long,

so that would mean that
he would have been there

for, um...

Um...

Let's see.

Is it true that you have
virtually no repeat business?

Yes.

Let's count to three together.

Ready?

One...

Two!

Dr. Sumner is no barbarian.

He's a Renaissance man.

Early Renaissance.

Let's say late Middle Ages.

Medieval times. Feudalism. Ow.

Oh, I'm okay. I'm okay.

I did not work my whole life

to blindly go "in the
mouth" for every procedure.

This dead monkey without
a brain could do that.

I make decisions
with incisions...

on incisors.

Thank you.

We did that skit
just for you, Billy.

Did you like it?

No.

Can you please
do the skit I wrote?

Gee, Billy, we don't
normally do skits

written by fans.

Please.

Okay, Billy.

We'll do "Science
Fiction Lab" for you.

This is terrible. Ugh.

♪ ♪

Good evening,

and welcome to Science
Fiction Laboratory.

I'm Mistress Patricia,

and this is my assistant, Figgy.

Good evening.

Tonight for my
ghoulish experiment,

I shall transform Figgy

until he is no longer
living but dead.

Hmm. Hmm.

Then, in a twist

that only my science
fiction mind could devise,

I shall alert Figgy's family

so they may make
proper arrangements

for a funeral.

And then I shall have a
bath and go to the disco.

Could I say something please?

Now we begin!

Figgy, quickly. The rolling pin!

Ah!

Ahh!

Ow!

It doesn't seem to be working.

But I have made
preparations for this event.

I have arranged
for the assistance

of general practitioner
Dr. Ron Guilga.

Hello.

Doctor!

Ahh!

It's working! It's working!

Those fools, they all laughed!

They said it could not be done,

because it's illegal,

but who's laughing now?

I am.

And now to complete
the experiment.

Figgy, please come
down from there.

No thank you.

I promise not to kill you.

I don't think so.

Oh well, then.

I suppose I'll just
have to throw away

this custard tart I
made for you then.

Hm-mm! Hm-mm!

May I please have
the custard tart?

Of course, Figgy.

Is there poison in it?

Some.

Figgy, look! Birthday surprises!

Birthday surprises?

Crash!

Ugh!

Ah!

Agh!

Ah!

Ah!

Oh, dear.

Figgy.

All he ever wanted to do

was make little
statues out of fur.

But wait.

Friends, this is Science
Fiction Laboratories.

Figgy, get up!

Every bit of it,

fiction.

I'm okay.

Now off to the disco.

Figgy, no!

The poison tart,

it was nonfiction.

Oh, crap.

Oh, well.

Dem's the berries.

♪ ♪

What'll it be, mister?

A shave...

and a hot bath.

You know, we don't
get many strangers

around these parts.

Where exactly are
you... Are you from?

Nowhere.

Okay. Okay.

Just asking.

♪ ♪

Howdy, stranger.

This town don't take
too much to strangers,

stranger.

They say you're the best.

Well, you don't
look like much to me.

You look like...

ding!

Ding!

Ooh!

♪ ♪

Did you like that one, Billy?

Do you like cowboys?

No.

Could you please do the au...
Audition skit for me, please?

The audition skit?

You bet.

Next.

Hi. I'm Jerry Cadlik.

Here's my résumé.

Great.

Now, this is just a
standard beer commercial.

You're talking about the beer.

You like the beer.

From... from the top?

Uh, from "When I'm looking

for a great-tasting
light beer"...

You'll see.

And feel free to
play with the script.

Oh, great, great. Okay.

Duh!

Duh!

I'm so dumb.

I am a dummy.

Unh. Jerry?

Yeah?

Um, you know what?

You've got the right look.

Mm.

It's just that your
read is a little...

Stupid. Yeah.

Yeah, I just got the script,
like, five minutes ago.

That's okay. That's okay.

Let's do it again.

And this time maybe
turn down the stupid,

just a notch.

Great. Okay.

Duh!

I'm so dumb!

I am Mr. Dummy.

I'm a dummy-butt.

I'm so stupid!

Eh! I like the beer.

The beer is my mommy.

Jerry?

Hi, Mommy.

Jerry, stop.

Yeah, you're still doing it.

It's like you're...

A little brain-dead monkey.

Yeah.

But, uh,

thanks for coming in.

And we'll keep you
in mind. Thank you.

Could I... please, could
I try it one more time?

I know I can nail it.

No. No. Mm-mm.

I really need the job.

I've been, uh,

kind of down on
my luck for a while,

um, 'cause this guy...

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay, Jerry. Yeah.

Uh, one more time;

this time, not like you're
so dumb, you can't talk.

Right.

Yeah, and you like the beer...

But it's not your mommy.
Doesn't make sense.

No, it doesn't. It's not
my mommy. No, that's...

And this time, try
saying the lines.

Mm.

Oh.

Great. Okay.

When I'm looking

for a great-tasting light beer,

I reach for the smooth
drinking taste of...

Ow! My butt!

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just trying...
You know, trying out.

Ow! Ow!

Duh.

I'm thinking we should
go with our first choice.

Yeah.

I'm stup... unh!

Bacon.

You know, bacon gets
a bad rap these days:

bad for this, bad for that.

Well, I don't buy it.

I eat bacon every
day at every meal,

pounds of it.

I serve my guests bacon...

Oh!

I drink bacon...

Even like a little
bacon in my shorts,

some slices.

Nice.

And that's just some of
bacon's many, many, many,

many, many uses.

Bacon makes a great gift,

a great corsage for
prom dance dates.

And my wife makes these
charming little dresses

out of bacon.

Heck, even wear one
myself when the time's right,

and it usually is.

When I'm blue,

I tell bacon my troubles.

I'm a little mopey today, bacon.

And when I ain't blue,

well, I like to sing
my bacon a little tune.

♪ Bacon, bacon, bacon, ♪

♪ I'm making the moves on you. ♪

♪ You're bacon! ♪

Sometimes I have dances.

Most times...

♪ Bacon, bacon, bacon, ♪

♪ we're making
the moves on you. ♪

♪ You're bacon! ♪

So when you're sitting down

to your breakfast pancakes
or waffles, you know,

why don't you lay down an
extra slice or two of bacon?

But save one for me.

I may just put it
down my shorts.

Most likely will.

Bacon, anybody?

Oh, sure!

Want some bacon.

Hey, Mitch, could
you pass the bread?

Mel, kiss my grits.

Excuse me.

You heard me, Mel.

I said, kiss my grits.

Janet, you know
what's going on here?

I think it's a phase,
honey. I'm sure it'll pass.

Well, I hope so.

Son, I'll repeat:

how about passing
that bread over here?

How about kissing my grits, Mel?

Mitch, you know that
Mel is not my name.

Now, what do you say, sporto?

The bread, get it over here.

Vera, honey, could
you pass Mel the grits?

Oh, sure, Flo.

Honey, don't call him Flo.

Mel, you need a day off.

My name is Herman
Bryce Williams, not Mel!

Well, my name is Flo!

And I'm a waitress

at Mel's Diner, your diner.

But my real name

is Polly Holliday,

and I'm acting on a
sitcom called Alice.

Uh-huh.

So in your little world, Mitch,
I'm character actor Vic Tayback,

and your mother is Vera,
played by Beth Howland,

who's also famous for her work

in the Stephen Sondheim
musical Company.

That is right.

Uh-huh, so let me
get this straight.

I give you everything
you want, and in return,

you think I'm a fat,
balding TV hack?

Mel, stop.

Shut up, Vera!

Vic Tayback, Mitch?

The man hasn't even worked

since his guest spots
on The Love Boat,

and you want to know why?

He's dead, Mitch. That's why.

Is that how you see me, Mitch,

as a fat, dead character actor?

No.

No, I'm sorry,
Dad. You're right.

All right, then.
Let's... let's eat.

Mitch, pass the bread.

I'm not Mitch.

I'm Mork from Ork,
played by Robin Williams.

After getting kicked
out of the Julliard school,

I first landed a guest
spot on Happy Days,

which led to fame as
TV's loveable alien Mork

on Mork & Mindy.

I followed that

with some fairly
unsuccessful films

such as The Best of Times,

Club Paradise,
and The Survivors.

But I turned it around
with Oscar nominations

for Good Morning, Vietnam

and the Dead Poets Society.

So as Robin Williams,

from Mork from Ork,
I say to you, Dad,

shazbot!

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Admiral Lardypants.

Come in, oh,
retainer of Twinkies.

Mork, tell me more about
these Earthling sitcoms.

Oh, well, it's just
like life, really,

with relationships
and phone calls,

only it's all gone
in 22 minutes,

just like the dessert tray
when you're around, sir.

Mork.

Sorry, sir.

Then, when it's all over,

it says, "Produced
by Garry Marshall,"

without all that tedium
of last wills and funerals.

As executor, I will read
the final will and testament

of the departed.

"I, John Berryfield,

"being of sound mind,

"do hereby leave
my entire fortune

"to the member of my family
who, in accordance with my will,

pats their head..."

"waddles like a penguin..."

quack. quack, quack. caw!

"Pinches their nipples
and sings like a pirate."

"Eats everything
in their pockets..."

"and holds their nose."

"By the way, I died without
a penny to my name."

"I do, however,
own several oil wells

"and a great deal of California,

and I didn't say stop
holding your nose."

Congratulations, Timmy.

All right.

Can I stop holding my nose now?

No.

So that's how I made my fortune
many years ago as a young man.

My bus is here,
Grandpa. I'm off to camp.

Shut up.

We're trying to
have a conversation.

Go, already.

Go. Go.

Give me your cigarette.

Now, Ritchie, tell me,

is everything all set?

Everything's a go.

Great. Phil, the enrollment.

How's the enrollment
this summer?

Actually,

it's way down.

We have one camper.

One camper. His name's Aaron.

I think we could have
done more promotion.

All campers please
sign in with Phil.

Name?

Aaron Fishman.

Where are the other campers?

Hey, guy, you know the rules.

Can't swim without a buddy.

Come on, man.

He's in the paint!

He's posted up! He's posted up!

I'd like to thank everyone
who auditioned to be in Grease.

As cliché as it may sound,
it was very, very difficult

to make the final
casting decisions,

but here goes.

Aaron Fishman, you'll be
playing Teenager Number Three.

All right, Fishman!

And I'm gonna go ahead

and read the other
parts from offstage.

Congratulations, actors.

Ooh.

Friendship bracelet.

Who are you gonna
give that to, Aaron?

Who the hell am I
supposed to give it to?

This place sucks.

I have no one to talk to.

I'm all alone all day.

Have you tried
making friends, Aaron?

With who?

First you have to make
friends with yourself.

You know, maybe you're right.

Maybe she's right!

Food fight!

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo, he-hee!

Yeah!

♪ ♪

Danny! Danny Zuko!

How were the babes at
the beach this summer?

I met this one chick.

She was sort of cool.

Hey, Danny. How's it going?

Come on, guys. Let's cut class.

♪ ♪

Way to go, buddy boy!

Yeah!

Bye.

Bye!

See you!

Take it easy, as the Eagles say.

That was one great summer.

Yeah, sure was.

Hey, you know which
camper I'm really gonna miss?

No. Who?

Remember Aaron? Aaron Fishman?

No.

Uh, no.

Little Jewish kid.

No, I don't remember him.

Did you see Grease
when we did it?

Oh, was he Danny?

Vince Fontaine. Did
he play Vince Fontaine?

No.

Who was the guy who
played Vince Fontaine?

He was terrific.

Well, that was... that was me.

Yeah?

Did you ever think
about acting as a career?

Are you kidding?

I audition for
things all winter.

That's... that's what I do.

You know, you're very good.

You're like a young
Michael Douglas, actually.

You know, you're
rough around the edges,

but there's something
very sexy about you.

Yeah? You think?

Oh, sure.

You know, I'd love to
get into that kind of thing.

I think I could be,
you know, a performer.

Well, it sounds good,
but I got to tell you,

it's a lot of hard work.

It ain't all curtain calls
and dinner at Sardi's.

Well, you know,

I had a friend
named Erin Collier

who told me once that...

Oh, yeah, I met her...

I auditioned with her for
a Pop-Tart commercial.