The State (1993–2009): Season 4, Episode 5 - Episode #3.11 - full transcript

And now back to Bobby
Redford and Dick Gere in:

England, 1348:

the Black Death
sweeps across Europe

with powerhouse speed,

proclaiming itself history's
deadliest epidemic.

But then, in a crucial
fourth-down play,

all-star receiver Willie
Noble of the '69 Colts

slips past the free safety

for a spectacular
game-winning touchdown

in the final seconds.

Congratulations, Willie Noble,



for another Great Moment
in the Black Plague.

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Welcome to Lowell
Maximum Security Prison.

I am not running a country club!



Your lives here will be
incredibly tedious and awful.

No one has ever escaped
from Lowell Prison.

Why?

Because there's only
two ways out of here.

One is dead in a pine box,

and the other is that big,
wide-open gate over there,

which I ask you seriously

to please, please
stay away from.

How about,

let's consider the open
gate "off limits," okay?

As a favor to me.

Everybody got that?

The open gate that leads
to the highway to Dallas

is off limits.

Now, normally,

the guards would pass
out sledgehammers,

but they all have the day off

what with it being
Yom Kippur and all.

So everybody grab a hammer

and start turning that
cabbage into coleslaw.

I am going to take

a little cat nap.

Could somebody please wake
me up when it's time for supper?

All right, let's make some slaw!

We've got mayo!

Mayo coming through!

Psst!

Yeah?

I'm thinking about
busting out of here.

You got a plan? Yeah.

See that big, wide-open
gate over there?

Gate... wide open...

Oh! Yeah.

What's your plan?

I'm gonna walk over
to it and walk out it.

The gate?

But the warden
specifically told us

to stay away from the gate!

I can't take it
anymore. I'm going out.

Did somebody say
something about the gate?

Yeah, he's going through!

How?

It's open.

But we're supposed to
consider the gate "off limits."

Yom Kippur only
comes once a year, boys.

I'm going.

Godspeed.

♪ ♪

Excuse me, ladies.

Let's consider
the gate off limits.

As a favor to me.

Don't be to stingy

with that slaw, boys.

Well, if it isn't Jimmy
Mulligan, the fugitive,

the only person ever to
escape from Lowell Prison.

I'm back.

I couldn't live on
the lam anymore.

Huh? What?

Man can't spend
his life running.

Oh, we stopped looking
for you years ago.

I sort of poked around
then figured you for dead.

But I got to ask you, Jimmy,

how did you do it?

You see that big,
wide-open gate over there?

Yeah, we sort of like to
consider that "off limits."

Well, one day when
you were napping,

I walked out it.

Well, if that don't beat all.

I admire you, Jimmy Mulligan.

But there's gonna be
some changes around here.

Well, all right, then.

Somebody wake me up
when the sloppy joes are done.

♪ ♪

And so, as one
sketch draws to a close,

The State bids
it a teary farewell

and turns to greet the
oncoming new sketch

with open arms.

♪ They live in a
sideways house ♪

♪ with slanted
doors and walls. ♪

♪ They live in a
sideways house, ♪

♪ and it drives
them up the walls. ♪

Hi, I'm home.

Ow!

Oh!

Hi, Dad.

Ah! I think I broke my arm.

Damn this sideways house!

Jack, I have
something to tell you.

What is it?

Petey is dead.

Oh, God.

He fell all the way
from the bathroom

and broke his neck.

Oh, God! No!

Not my boy!

Don't let my boy be dead!

Hey, all.

How's everything in this
crazy sideways house?

Awful!

Oh, come on.
It's a little funny.

I mean, your house,

it's sideways.

It's not funny! It's dangerous!

My boy is dead, and
this house killed him,

as it will kill every
last one of us!

Whoa.

Well, catch you
on the flip side.

I've got a double date with
a couple of student nurses.

Ba-bum. Ba-bum.

Dad?

Yes, sweetheart?

Why don't we move?

Because daddy can't afford it.

I work so hard,

and there's just not
enough to make ends meet.

Well, at least now we
have one less mouth to feed.

Oh, God, no! No!

♪ They live in a
sideways house ♪

♪ with slanted
doors and walls. ♪

♪ They live in a
sideways house, ♪

♪ and it drives
them up the walls. ♪

♪ Nah, na-na, na-ah. ♪

Was carved from butter,

and it took me...

Have a seat, Robbie.

Robbie,

as it's time for you to leave
Sunnydale Orphanage,

we thought it also
time you knew the truth

about how you
came to be with us.

You weren't dropped off here
by normal parents, Robbie.

18 years ago today,

you fell to Earth in a meteor...

with this cape.

Your real name is Tozog,

and you have been blessed
with superhuman ability

you've never dreamed of.

Okay, this is the
stupidest thing

that I've ever heard.

You see, Robbie?

Bullets can't harm you.

You were sent here
with a higher purpose.

And so today, you enter
the real world a hero,

a guiding light for
all of man-the-kind.

So go!

Go, Tozog!

Fight for truth and justice.

Ah!

Careful, Tozog.

Ah!

Oof!

Ow. Ow.

Oh, never get tired of that one.

Nope.

Walk it off, Tozog!

Load the cap gun, Sister.

Let's do one more before lunch.

Okay. Okay.

I have to calm down.

Sister Fines, send
in the fat kid, please.

Okay, now's the part of the show

where we were supposed
to have Billy Joel,

but he canceled again.

But we did get Frank Whaley.

Now, he's no Billy Joel,
but he was in a lot of movies,

like Pulp Fiction,

and he killed Jack
Nicholson in Hoffa...

The upcoming Cafe Society,
Broken Arrow, and Homage,

all coming out in the fall.

Right, bunch of movies.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Frank Whaley.

♪ We didn't start the fire. ♪

♪ Had nothing to do with it. ♪

Now, then, gentlemen,
before Mr. Flemming arrives,

I want to remind you

of the importance
of this meeting.

He is a businessman
of the highest...

Sullivan!

Sorry, sir.

These damn chairs, you know?

There's nothing
wrong with the chairs.

And I might add,

it's little bits of
unprofessionality such as this

which we can't have happening
when Mr. Flemming arrives.

Now, I've asked Jerry
to go over the prep notes.

Jerry?

Gentleman, lady...

Jerry!

What the hell's wrong?

Sorry, sir. I sort
of fell... over.

Well, it's hardly the day
to be falling over, Jerry,

what with Mr. Flemming
arriving and all.

Well, it's not like
I was trying to, sir.

Then try not to.

Now, look,

if there's anybody else here

who feels like they
might be having

a little bit of a
spill coming on,

you'd best get it out of
your system right now

in the few precious moments
before Mr. Flemming arrives.

All right?

Anybody?

No?

Good!

The twist is that even I, the
aforementioned Mr. Flemming,

have next to no grasp
over the forces of gravity

whatsoever.

No weeble-wobble, I.

I grow dizzy and fall
most every place I go,

and I love it.

And now, my entrance!

Gentlemen, would
someone help me up?

Ah.

Hoorah! Hoorah!

Great twist, Mr. Flemming.

I would have never
guessed you're just like us.

Actually, sir, I saw it coming.

Yeah, I did too.

I mean, we were
all falling down.

Well, none of us
could have foreseen

the Tour de France!

Beep, beep, c'est moi.

Bonjour!

Out of ze way!

Hi, we're The State.

You know, recently,

we've received a lot of
letters from high school kids

inviting us to
their senior prom,

which we find a little ironic,

because when we
were in high school,

none of us could get
dates to our senior prom

except for Marino,

who went with two stewardesses.

Uh, twins.

Twins?

So now that we have
our own TV show,

suddenly we're in demand.

Like these kids really think
we would lower ourselves

to go to some high school prom.

Well, we would.

In fact, we did,
and we filmed it.

And on May 12th, we went

to Hillsboro High
School's senior prom,

except for David,

who still could not get a date.

Let's watch the tape.

Women go crazy for
a sharp-dressed man.

Trick or treat.

Oh, I'm right here. Hello.

So who wants my autograph?

Iris, I had my assistant
pick this out for you.

Ow!

Ah!

Ow! Ow. Ow.

♪ ♪

Hello! Hello!

Already we walked by a
couple of football players,

and they called us faggots.

This is Mark. He's
my 11-year-old.

Do you know him? Do
you know Mark, actually?

Is there, like...

Like, a topless
club around here?

No? Nothing?

Can I refresh your
memory a little bit?

Well, you see...

Here comes the food.

Choo-choo!

Dave! Dave!

I met this incredible girl.

I just want you to talk to her.

Hi.

Isn't she great?

This is Jason, my son.

What's he doing here?
He just turned four.

We were teaching him how to ski.

Dave.

Dave, listen... listen to this!

It's Chewbacca. Top it, man.

That... that was not bad.

A lovely night, a lovely lady,

and my lovely friend Raul
waiting for me at Butt Bar.

Iris and me are getting engaged.

We're gonna be married.

The 1995 king,

Joe Spirra.

Way to go, Joe.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm enchanted beyond words.

I'll write to you.

All right.

There you are, Waldo. Ha!

Striped shirt gave you away.

I knew I'd get you.

Hey, I bet you I
could hit you with this.

Bet you you can't.

Bet I can.

Bet you you can't.

Bet I can.

Bet you you...

What am I doing?

What are you doing?

I have a toad in my shoe.

I'm Emmett.

And I'm Emmett.

Whoa. Who am I?

Emmett and Lyle,
the Inbred Brothers.

Ah! Ah! Ow! Ow!

This week, the Inbred
Brothers join the army.

You are two of the
dirtiest inbred soldiers

I have ever seen!

Now drop and give me 20!

What am I doing?

What am I doing?

Left face!

Ah!

Ah!

Bang.

Bang. Ow.

I'm shootin' your butt.

What are you doin'?

Next week on The
Inbred Brothers,

the foreign exchange student.

Zo what do you
fellows do for fun?

Ow. What are you doing?

Ow, what is that?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

It is morning in
Paterson, New Jersey.

All of the textile
mills here have closed

in the last five years.

Workers line up at this
unemployment office

desperate for their weekly
check and any word of new jobs.

But then, in a stunning upset,

Colts MVP Willie Noble
breaks the defense

for a sensational score,

shattering all records

and taking the coveted
Super Bowl crown

with only ten seconds to spare.

Congratulations, Willie Noble,

for another Great Moment
in a Declining American City.

Oh, and here we are at
the Badlands National Park.

Oh, wow.

That must have been
fun for you, huh, Billy?

You sure are

grown up now, Bill.

How old are you?

Six.

Six?

He's just turned six.

And he's quite the
little comedian too,

aren't you, Billy?

Oh, do your little
show for the Wilsons.

He does a show.

Billy, do your show for them.

Do your show.

Yay!

That's cute.

Thank you very much

for having me here tonight,
ladies and gentlemen.

You know, being six
years old is not that easy.

The other day during recess,

I'm playing doctor
with Vicky Meyer,

and she sued me for malpractice.

You know, I can remember a time

when me and my friends
used to go up to Harlem

to hear jazz for a dime.

And there was
this Negro up there

who I will never forget:

$5 shoes, a $25 suit,

and he could play jazz
like nobody's business.

I became pals with this man,

and I'm proud to say
that 45 years later,

Duke Ellington was
one of my best friends.

Yes, he was.

Oh, speaking of friends,
ladies and gentlemen,

we have a very special surprise
for you here for you tonight,

my friends from
the neighborhood.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, Billy,

I think I ate
cereal this morning

out of the bowl they
used to cut your hair.

Let me tell you
something about Billy,

ladies and gentlemen.

He is so cheap, his
puppy has fake fur.

Has fake fur.

Last year, for Hanukkah, I
gave him a set of golf clubs.

He gave me the chicken pox.

A-gah-gah-gah, gah-gah-gah-gah!

But seriously, Billy,

I love you, you cheap bastard.

No, I love you. I love you.

Mazel tov, Billy.

Lose the weight.

We got to go, everybody.

We got Little League
in the morning.

Sayonara.

No running.

Remember, no running, honey.

My mother, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm six years old;

she still won't let
me run in the house.

Please, Ma.

I say that to say this.

Every day on the
boardwalk in Coney Island,

I would see this girl.

And she was the
prettiest Polish broad

I had ever seen.

I didn't know they
made them that pretty.

And her name

was Ruby Pentowski,
and every day,

I'd try to buy her a bag
of popcorn for a penny,

and every day, she'd say no.

But, ladies and
gentlemen, 45 years later,

I'm still married to her.

Aw.

And she still won't
eat the popcorn.

So sue me. I don't like popcorn.

Mwah! mwah! mwah!

Billy, honey,

that was a terrific show,

but I'm afraid
it's time for bed.

Okay, Mom, Mom,
just one more thing.

Before I go to bed,
ladies and gentlemen,

I would just like to say...

You're beautiful to me. ♪

♪ You're the reason I'm here. ♪

♪ And it all has been worth it ♪

♪ for a smile... ♪

♪ and a tear. ♪

Good night, Mommy and Daddy!

Good night, everybody!

Mrs. Peterson,

is it okay if I
sleep over tonight?

Yes, Ruby, but
keep the door open,

and don't touch his winky.

I'm gonna turn the couch on.

Oh, okay.

And now we end the show
with the Wilson Family Singers

singing their version of
The Waltons theme song.

♪ ♪