The State (1993–2009): Season 4, Episode 4 - Episode #3.10 - full transcript

And now a television
program: The State.

Ah!

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪



♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Detective. Okay, what do we got?

We got seven heavily
armed terrorists.

We got 12 hostages. What's that?

I got swimmer's ear.
We got 12 hostages!

What do they want?

Attention.

Attention, police.
These are our demands.

The hostages will be
released when we receive

in unmarked American currency

$150.

What's that? I
got swimmer's ear!



Do not play games with me!

$150.

Think it over.

$21.42 apiece, my boys.

Hello, nest egg.

150 bucks?

Yes, Mayor, that's their demand.

What do they think,
I'm made of gold?

Hell, no!

Detective, I was
talki" to the boys.

Between us, I think
we got the cash.

Great, great. Give it to me.

Will I get this back?

Yeah, let me just get
you a receipt for that.

How do you want your money?

Tens and twenties.

Wait; wait; wait.

Can I get mine in singles?

And I need a buck in change,
'cause I'm taking the bus home.

Uh, you know what?
Could I get a twenty?

I don't like little bills.

They make my wallet all bulky,

and I can't sit down.

I owe him $3,

so give me a five, a
ten, and two singles,

and give him the other $3.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't want the singles.
That's what I'm saying.

Why don't you give me $25,

and I could owe you
a couple of bucks?

Can I get mine in the form

of a gift certificate
to Red Lobster?

It's my mom's birthday.

That wasn't part of the plan,

but tell your mother I
said happy birthday.

Okay, we want six
twenties, a ten, a five...

Two fives.

Two fives, the rest in singles,

and a dollar in change.

Just quarters. Quarters.

We're a couple...

Sorry.

We're a couple bucks short.

Will you take a check
for the difference?

Sure.

No. No!

Wait; wait; wait.

Wait; wait; wait; wait. We
got it. We got it. We got it.

Okay, so what do we do now?

Watch and learn, Sergeant.

Okay...

Okay,

if you want your money,

come out of the building

with your hands on
top of your heads!

Uh, can we bring our guns?

Sure.

No.

No!

Okay, we're coming out.

Hi, under arrest.
You're under arrest.

You're under arrest.
You're under...

Hi, um, I had the
singles and the...

Yes, right, right, right.

Here you go. Okay, under arrest.

There you go.

Ah,

so I finally meet the genius

behind this little
game of chess.

You're a worthy
adversary, Detective.

You figured out my plan
almost until the very end.

This is the end.
Get into the van.

Detective, the van's full.

Damn!

Checkmate, Detective.

You may have won this time, sir.

But I can assure
you, in the future,

I will bring a much larger van.

Let's go!

Ross Kaplan is with us today.

He was born like any
other normal baby,

except one thing was different

that he soon found would affect

the rest of his life.

Ross has a vision problem
that no glasses can help.

You see, Ross Kaplan is blind.

In fact, he cannot see at all.

Sightless from birth,

today on The
Leonard Harris Show.

Ross, thank you very
much for joining us.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

Well, that I doubt,

given the state that you're in,

your blindness.

Tell me, Ross.

Can you see at all?

No, I can't.

I've been totally
blind since birth.

Mm-hmm, Ross, are you saying

that you can't even see
me standing right here?

No, I can't see anything.

But like many blind people,

my sense of hearing and touch...

If I may, Ross, how many
fingers am I holding up?

Like I said, I...
How many, Ross?

I don't know. My God.

Not only are you blind,

but you're also so stupid

that you can't
even count to four.

Let's get a question,
right over here.

Hi. I was wondering...
Can he hear me?

Can you hear this
woman talking, Ross?

Of course. I have
perfect hearing.

What does she look like?

I have no idea.

All right, If I
were to give you,

say, $500 cash money right now,

I take it you would still refuse

to give me even
a basic description

of this woman?

I... it would be... Shameful!

What was your question, ma'am?

I was wondering, how
do you deal with the fact

that you're unable to, um,

share intimacy with
the opposite sex?

Ooh.

I happen to have
a wonderful wife

and three children.

Adopted, I take it. No!

They're not adopted.

You people don't seem to have

even a basic understanding
on what it means...

Don't you worry about AIDS?

Ooh, Ross.

That's a good question.

Ross.

Ross, I think that's
a good question,

and I think you
have a responsibility

to answer that one.

- Well, obviously...
- Yeah, uh...

I don't know about you,
but I think if I was blind,

I would try to learn
to see or something.

If you ask me, he
should get a job

and stop living
off the public dole.

I... I have a job.

Okay, with me now is
Dr. Dane Michaelson.

What do you recommend?

I'd recommend my book.
It's now in paperback.

It's called Coping
with Blindness.

Is... is it in Braille?

No.

It's not in Braille.

It's in English, the
language of the USA,

and if you don't like it,

why don't you go back
where you came from, huh?

Ross, you make me sick.

Uh, up next after the break,

we're going to meet
a man who is so poor,

he refuses to live in a house.

Stay with us.

Well, Mr. Marcus,

you seem like a
promising candidate

for the position.

In fact, Ted,

I only have one reservation

about offering you
the job right now.

What's that, Mr. Thorn?

Well, this is a
very prestigious,

very old law firm,

not exactly the sort of office

that encourages fistfights.

No, no, of course
not. I would never.

Well, gee, Ted, that's
not what it says here

in your permanent record.

My what?

Your permanent grade
school record, Ted,

in which your third
grade teacher writes,

"Teddy has been
doing very well in school,

"except for the one

unfortunate fistfight."

Unfortunate, yes, Ted,

because it raises a
troubling question.

Should this firm hire you?

Just how long before
you turn your fists on us?

Mr. Thorn, I was
eight years old.

He started it.

How long, Mr. Marcus,

before a client
stumbles into my office

in need of serious
medical attention?

And here, in fifth grade:

back-talking, Mr. Marcus?

Well, no, I just had to go to
the bathroom. Aha, back-talker!

In fact, the more I
look at this record,

the graver my
reservations become.

Now, wait a second. I...

No, you wait a second,
you psychopath!

You're like a crazy
fistfighting psychopath!

I was just a kid.
Kids do those things.

Don't you come
near me! Mr. Thorn!

Don't hit me. Don't hit me.
Don't hit me. Don't hit me.

Don't hit me! Oh,
God, I don't want to die!

Mr. Thorn, listen to me.

You're blowing this
way out of proportion.

You are!

Am not! Are too!

Am not! Are too!

Mr. Thorn, that
was 20 years ago.

I think you're overreacting.

In what way?

Do you mean by sitting
behind this chair crying?

Yes.

Well, perhaps you're right.

Maybe I did
overreact... Just a bit.

I'm sorry, Ted.

I've been having kind
of a tough time at home.

The wife has taken her
own bedroom, and, well...

Tell you what.

Congratulations. You're hired.

Oh, great!

Security! Security!

This guy tried to clobber me!

He started it!

He started it!

Amiable.

Well-dressed.

Does not work well with others.

Nobody likes a crybaby.

I do. Except for Vladimir here.

Come here, my little babushka.

Come. Come.

Don't push it.

Eastern European free
market store present

Freedom for Money,

a regular television program

showing you the lifestyle
of Eastern European

enjoying free market economy.

My name is Sergei Politicov.

For many years, I
was principal violinist

for Odessa Symphony Orchestra.

Now I sell ice cream from truck.

Ice cream truck is here.

Come get the ice
cream, children.

I love free market economy!

♪ ♪

My name is Andre Politicov.

I am trained as
nuclear physicist,

but now I help my brother
with ice cream truck.

My job is to help
unpack the Chipwiches,

but there are no Chipwiches,

so I have plenty time
to sit in back of truck

and read Polish comic books.

Andre's comic book
cost three rubles.

I bought it in
free market store.

Before free market economy,

we eat potato each
night for dinner.

Now we have much money.

We eat two potato
each night for dinner.

And on happy days, we
eat salted pork from cans.

Nadja's salted
pork cost five rubles.

I bought it in
free market store.

With money we
made, I was able to buy

American-style
shoes, like Adidas.

These are different.

They are from Slovakia;
they are called Adidums,

and they have four
stripes instead of three.

So for less money, I was
able to get extra stripe.

It's very good deal.

Unfortunately, there is usually

no ice cream for the children.

But there are many pictures of
Froggy Pops and Choccodiles,

and the children like to
come and look and laugh

and hope for one day ice cream.

♪ ♪

We are planning for
one day Helsinki vacation,

where we hope to
play in bumper boats.

And sit in hotel lobby all day

and watch American television!

Every day, more
people strike it rich on...

Free market show!

Next week, cosmonaut
Boris Petrovic.

Once, I walked on Moon.

Now I sell these magic mice!

Look at him go.

Hi. Here's a clip from
a skit called Drag Dad.

Do you think that I like

dressing up like a woman, Tim?

Do you think that I like

leaving my job at the
firm early every day

so I can go down to the docks

and give free
massages to sailors?

That's just it, Dad.
I think that you do.

Now, that skit cost
$4,000 to produce

with sets and costumes,

and you're never
gonna see it in our show.

Why? Because it sucked.

So we figured if we're
gonna spend $4,000

on something that sucks,

we might as well have
a good time doing it.

So here's a skit I wrote
called At the Beach.

It's not so much a skit
as it's just us getting drunk

and hanging out
to rockin' music,

and Ben falls down a lot.

But it cost... Well,
we spent $4,000.

Enjoy.

♪ ♪

Hi. We're The State.

You know, a lot of
times, we'll come out here

and kid around and
have a good time,

but I know that,
all joking aside,

I've been dealing
with some pretty heavy

personal stuff.

And I wrote a poem about it.

I brought the
piece to the group,

and we've been working
on it in our off time.

The piece is called Fragments,

and we'd like to
show it to you now.

I am fragments,

like tattered rags
on empty street,

like broken glass on my feet.

Like shattered lives,

like waving wheat,

I am fragments.

If I...

Yes?

If I...

Fall.

Yes.

If I fall, will I break?

Like tears.

Or cake.

Yes.

We are fragments.

Will you see me if I smile?

Because I'm different than you.

Or laugh in a silent moment...

And whisper,

"I know you."

For me and not in spite of me.

Na, na, na-doh-eeh.

Udaloh.

Dolokee-loh. Ja, lu, ja.

Am I invisible to you?

Michael, you are fragile,

like butterfly wings.

Am alone when I cry?

You are not alone.

Am I alone when I die?

Never. Never.

♪ ♪

Fragments.

Fragments.

Fragments.

Fragments.

Fragments.

Fragments.

Fragments.

Let's have a big hand
for our second grade class

and their show, The
Four Food Groups.

They did it all themselves.

Matt and Suzy painted the sets,

and they were beautiful.

Steven and Wendy
did the costumes,

and they were great.

And little Billy
wrote the script,

which I felt was trite,
derivative, very slow,

and fell completely
apart in the third act.

I agree.

Where was the conflict?

Where were the
likable characters?

That's right!

I wouldn't wipe my ass

with Billy Johnson's
The Four Food Groups!

Daddy?

Clearly, he has never read
Ethel Foucard's Demitasse.

You've disgraced your
school and your family,

you miserable
little no-talent hack.

Go stand in the corner.

Coffee's ready!

Should I make

some more coffee,
honey? No, I don't think...

Well, I might as well
have some more coffee,

so you might as well
make some more coffee.

We're close to running out!

Okay, I'll make some
more coffee, then.

God, I have a headache!

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. I
brought some more coffee!

Oh, great, we were almost close

to running out,
weren't we, honey?

I can't unclench
my teeth. Hey, kids!

You're gonna miss
the bus and the coffee!

Coffee's ready? Of
course the coffee's ready!

How'd ya sleep?

Sleep? Ha-ha-ha!

Here's some coffee

and some more
coffee and some extra.

Slowing down.

Need... more... coffee!

This is really good coffee!

It has a full, rich flavor!

Reminds me of Vienna!
Only half a cup for me!

If only there was some
way to drink coffee faster!

I've done it!

At last, I perfected my
triple double espresso

number ten coffee!

Mmm, that's really good.

Well, I'm off.

To coffee!

Stop.

Stop it!

Okay, wait a minute.
Wait. This is what I'll do.

No, no, you're gonna
hit me. I know it.

I'm not gonna hit you.

You're gonna hit me. I know.

Ah! Oh.

Okay, okay, I'm ready now.

Look there. Look there!

I'm ready. I'm ready. I
swear to God I'm ready.

We're off...

Thank you, Victor.

As you probably know,
we're, uh, the favorites

to be, uh, the
winning, uh, racers

in tomorrow's cannonball
race, which is gonna be...

Good evening, ladies.

Hello.

Good evening. I'm JJ
McClure, and this is...

We have to get this
woman, the senator's wife,

to Philadelphia by...
Make that California.

Because if I had enough time,

I would take those rosary bleeds
and stuff them up your nose.

These bleeds here?

Those bleeds there.

You're gonna take these bleeds?

I would take these
bleeds here...