The State (1993–2009): Season 4, Episode 7 - Episode #4.7 - full transcript

Live from Hollywood,
California, it's The State,

starring Kevin Allison,

Michael Ian Black,

Ben Garant,

Todd Holoubek,

Michael Patrick Jann,

Kerri Kenney,

Thomas Lennon,

Joe Lo Truglio,

Ken Marino,

Michael Showalter,



and the Weekly
Wackup with David Wain.

Featuring Scotty
John and the Bad Boys.

And now,

keep your hands
and feet inside the car,

hold on to your funny bone,

and put down that Twinkie.

Here they are, The State.

No, Stewart's doing fine.

I left my job at the
William Morris agency,

and since then, I had a
string of pretty bad jobs,

and I didn't really
have any direction.

Drew, hang on one second.

And that's when
Obi-Wan, my mentor,

finagled me into going
to the Dagobah system



to complete my agent
training and study with Yoda,

the Jedi master
who instructed him.

You see, there's a force

that surrounds every
object in the universe,

including the
entertainment industry.

You don't need to
see his screenplay.

We don't need to
see his screenplay.

You want to give
him a five-picture deal.

We want to give him
a five-picture deal.

You want to get me a fishwich.

Can I get you a fishwich?

Sure, if you want, I guess.

Being represented
by a Jedi master

has really helped my career.

I mean, I'm not
even a model, per se,

but I signed with Dixon,
and two days later,

I got this whole line
of ads for Speedo.

Pete, trust your instincts.

Feel the force
flow from the Jedi.

Hang on a second.

Yeah. Hey, look, look.

If you screw me on this,

I shall become more powerful
than you can possibly imagine,

you rat bastard.

I'm sorry. I got
to take this one.

You know, it's, like, this
guy, he's... it's... one second.

Yeah. Hey, no, no.

James Dixon is a fairly
powerful Jedi agent.

In fact, my evil
councilors and I

have been trying to acquire
him for the dark side of the force.

Unfortunately,
his heart is pure,

and he wanted this big
raise and his own parking sp...

And will you please shut up?

There is not enough
room in the world

to accommodate all of
James Dixon's demands.

James has been getting
me lots of voice-over work.

I'm the little duck
that loves coffee.

I love coffee.

If I had one piece of
advice to give young artists,

it would have to be,

just because
something looks like food

doesn't mean you should eat it.

And of course, you know,
may the force be with you.

The State would like
to take this moment

to pretend they're
travel agents.

Thank you.

♪ ♪

Hello again, everybody, and
welcome to Tough Choices,

the game show that asks you

to make some
really tough choices.

Hello, Chris Williams.

And here is your tough choice.

Which would you rather do:

lick a cow's ass

or make out with your mom?

♪ ♪

That's kind of an...
A weird question.

And your answer is?

Lick a cow's ass.

Your answer is?

I said, I would
lick the cow's ass.

Ew!

Ew!

You would lick a cow's ass?

That is disgusting.

Ew.

Ew.

Oh. Ah.

Okay.

Chris, well,

you can either lick
the cow's ass now,

or you can keep on going

and try to double your money.

Well, I don't want
to lick the cow's ass.

He's gonna go

for the double.

Okay, Chris,

for all the money, here
is your tough choice.

Which would you rather do:

lick the cow's ass

or massage your dad's butt?

This is really unfair.

Lick the cow's ass or
massage your dad's butt?

This is... neither?
Can I say neither?

The cow's ass or
your daddy's butt.

I would massage my dad's butt.

Ew! Ew!

Oh!

You're gross!

You would massa... oh, my...

Tina, bring out Chris' dad.

Okay, Chris.

Chris,

here is your chance

to win our huge cash prize.

For all the money, Chris,
massage your dad's butt.

No.

Just do it, Chris.
We need the money.

No. Dad, I...

Chris, just do it, all right?

He's actually doing
it! Do you see this?

Do you see what he's doing?

He's massaging his dad's...

Oh, man.

Tina, don't even give
him the money, okay?

The last thing we
need is a pervert

with a wad of cash
in his back pocket.

Good, all right.

That's all the time we have
here on Tough Choices.

Come back next time
when we ask the question,

which would you rather do:

eat a booger sandwich
or crap in public?

Good-bye, everybody.

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

How you doing?

Can I get ten bucks
worth of unleaded, please?

Thanks, buddy.

Zzzzzzzzzzh.

Psht. Ding.

Psht. Ding.

Psht. Ding.

Uh, hey, buddy,

your tires are
looking a little bald.

That's not safe.

I could hook you up with
a couple of whitewalls.

It'll cost you about $75 apiece.

Well, if it needs them,
it needs them, I guess.

It does.

Better go call the missus,
tell her I'm gonna be late.

Thanks, buddy. Saved my life.

No problem.

Hey, it looks like your
alternator's shot too.

You can leave it
here at the station,

but it's gonna be
real expensive.

Kachunck.

What the hell
happened to my car?

Uh...

Somebody just stole it.

But we can still
catch him. Come on.

No, we'll never
catch him in this truck.

Let's use the race car
I'm towing to Daytona.

It'll be faster.

♪ ♪

Choonk.

Ch-ck.

Vroom.

Wait! He went that way!

He went that way!

There he is!

Take it! You can cut him off!

Can't this thing go any faster?

Vrewm!

Rewm!

♪ ♪

Ah!

Poor bastard.

Listen, here's the deal:

if my insurance
company finds out

that I left my keys in the car,

I'm not gonna see dime one,

so I'd sort of appreciate
it if maybe you pretended

that this didn't happen.

I didn't see a thing.

And now The State takes you

back to an era of comedy
before the advent of jokes.

Say, Max, I want
to go to the players

and the positions on the team.

Fine. Okay, who's on first?

Mike Smith. Mike
Smith is on first.

Interesting. What's on second?

You mean, "Who's on second."

Right. My mistake.

Who's on second?

Jim Phillips. He sure is.

Who's on third? Stan Wilder.

Stan? He's a good guy.

Hey, what's going on here?

We're going over the
players on the team.

Aw, great. It's gonna
be a good season.

Come, my fine
band of movie extras.

Gather round.

I have listened to
the desert winds,

and they tell me it is
time for us to move on.

Father, tell me, is it true?

Are we finally leaving here

to become
background extras in...

Hollywood?

Hollywood? Oh!

Silence!

My foolish, foolish son.

We are desert extras, nomads.

We do not work in L.A.

We wander in the
desert, living off the land.

But, Father, as extras,

we should really be
where films are being made.

I do not wish to
hear this grumbling.

I have brought you
from a land with no water

to this land,

where there are
little bits of water.

That's true. I had
water yesterday.

True, Father, there
is water, and yet,

no films are being made.

Hmm. Ah.

Yeah, there are no
films being made.

The desert extra knows
that somewhere west,

cameras are pointed east,

and we are in the
background of all of these films.

Ah. Yes. Yes!

And yet we reap
no health benefits.

We are in no unions!

He's right.

Look at my teeth.

All this... all this talk

of health benefits and unions

is not the talk of
a true desert extra.

Our ancient ancestors
wrote that we, as extras,

are to mingle about
in the arid wilderness,

and so we shall.

So we shall.

And yet,

they said this

before motion
pictures were invented.

Yes! Ah.

Father, with all due respect,

if we are going to be extras,

we should be in the movies.

Enough of this blasphemous talk!

If you feel this way, then go.

Go be an extra in the
background of movies

in Hollywood,

California!

Tinseltown.

Tinseltown!

La-la Land!

He's gorgeous.

We must wander east.

Act natural, pantomime
your dialogue,

and try not to steal focus.

Don't look right at the camera.

So let me see.

You're looking for a
four-bedroom house

in the country.

Great.

Now, this first place I'm
going to show you is...

Well, it's not so much
a country house, really,

you know, as it is
a studio apartment

in the middle of New York
City, a terrible neighborhood.

But here's the good news, okay?

Well, there's no
good news really.

But let me tell you,
the bedroom, okay,

is 1x1, okay? 1 foot
by 1 foot, you know?

So you can't really
fit beds, you know?

But with mirrors,
okay, and tapestries...

Or maybe you could curl
up into a ball or something.

You know, with your small frame,

I think you could curl
up into a very small ball.

I wish I had your frame.

There's a 24-hour
discotheque upstairs,

so you never get bored!

It gets great light
in the mornings!

Okay, you think about it, okay?

In the meantime, I
got to get out of here!

I think I'm losing the
hearing in my right ear!

Now, this place is great.

I would schnap
this place right up

if I was you.

And you haven't even
seen the best part of it yet.

Just wait till you
see this bedroom.

It's like right out
of the fairy tales.

Look at this bedroom!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

He's a dead guy!

Now, this next house
I'm going to show you is...

Well, it's not so much
a house, really, okay,

as it is a big hole
in the ground.

It's... it's not really
great for living in.

But it's nice if you
like holes, you know.

And I would think
you would prefer

to live in a hole, you know,

with your small
frame and everything.

That doesn't make any sense.

No, it's...

Now, this is a
schlaughterhouse, okay?

I'm not so sure

why I brought
you here, actually,

because this would be
an awful place to live.

I mean, you'd have
to live with the meats.

Is this something
that you would like?

No, I wouldn't think so.

Okay, come on.

I got one last place
to show you, okay?

You can pet these
cows if you want.

They're not gonna feel a thing.

No, you don't want
to. Okay, come on.

Now, this is a
90,000-square-foot castle

with Greek statues
and fountains.

Oh, God, it would
take your breath away.

But unfortunately,

we couldn't afford the
money to build the set,

so it's really just
me in a sound booth

with a microphone.

It's nothing great.

You see? It's not that exciting.

But I'll tell you what:

this time, let's turn
the lights back off,

and let's pretend
like we're in...

London, 1936.

Okay, bye-bye.

Urgent message from
Agent Johnson, sir.

Put it on the view
screen, Ms. Kinderpants.

Bad news, Chief.

HQ confirms that
the new super bomb

has been stolen
by the evil Dr. X.

He threatens to
destroy New York,

and we have no idea
where he's hiding.

Only God Himself
can help us now.

♪ ♪

You boys obviously don't
know who you're dealing with.

Kya!

Vinny, Eddie.

Chop, chop.

Hai-ay-ee!

Heh.

Hiyah!

Aha!

Ooh!

Hai-yai-yai-yu!

Wooyah!

Oof!

Yeah, Chief.

Right.

Good gravy.

Right, right.

Sure, sure.

We're on our way, Chief.

Nice work, Wonder Boy.

Let's go.

♪ ♪

Nice work, God.

But how do You know
which island Dr. X is on?

Simple deduction, Wonder Boy.

Knowing everything, as I do,

I systematically eliminated
every island Dr. X isn't on.

Brilliant, Lord.

Yes. Yes, I am.

Now go get my
luggage, Wonder Boy.

Right!

You know, sometimes I
almost have to praise myself.

Ah, good, Wonder Boy.

You've gotten our luggage.

You're so very clever.

I bet You're pretty excited

about Your big
birthday party tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm hoping to receive
a great many ingots.

Aha!

God doesn't have a birthday,

because He has no
beginning and no end,

is now and ever shall be,

Dr. X.

Yes, very clever, Wonder Boy.

But let's see if you can outwit
my 40-megaton super bomb!

Is this the end of the
Lord and Wonder Boy?

Has the Redeemer met His match?

Suddenly, at the
last possible moment,

God remembers He's
all-powerful, frees Himself,

and erases Dr. X's
entire family's existence

back to the beginning of time...

Well, I'll be damned.

And changes the super bomb

into bountiful blessings
and goodness for all.

Jesus, what a guy.

Well done, God.

I know it goes without saying,

but You really, really
are one of the best.

God?

God?

Are you there, God?
It's me, Margaret.

Think I should grow a beard?

Tune in next week

as God tangles
with a very sinister

Bruce Springsteen
and his E Street Band

on The Adventures of Young God.

Hi, we're The State.

This is the last show we're
going to be doing on MTV,

so to celebrate, we
got some of these.

Whoo!

Hey.

That was sort of anticlimactic.

Do we have any more of these?

No.

Mm.

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Action!

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Action!

Bye. We're The State.

Bye.