The State (1993–2009): Season 3, Episode 2 - Episode #3.2 - full transcript

♪ ♪

Hey, did you get the promotion?

No.

I can't believe it.

I'm just gonna quit.

Hey, now, that's
not the Jane I know.

The Jane I know would put
a big old smile on her face,

march right back
into that boss' office,

take off all her clothes,
put on a monkey suit,

douse herself in gasoline,
jump out the window,

get into a tiny box, and
declare with bravado,



"The game is up, Moriarty.

Drop the pistola and
let the orphans go."

Now, that's the Jane I know.

You know what,
Paul? You're right.

Wait, you're not Paul.

I'm... oh, my goodness,
I'm in the wrong apartment.

I'm sorry.

Gee, you think you
know somebody.

Jane?

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪



♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Oh, my God, isn't he beautiful?

Stop.

Oh, my baby boy's all grown up.

Okay, Ricky,
squeeze in with Susie.

I want to get a
photo before you go.

Dad.

You don't mind, now,

do you, Susie?

Of course not.

You folks about ready to go?

Oh, oh, hey, hey,
let's get a shot

of the prom couple
with the limo driver.

Mom, make him stop.

We've waited 18
years for this, Ricky.

Give your father a chance.

Yeah, yeah, come on.

Get out of the photo.

Okay, all right,
good. All right, smile.

Yes!

Okay, wonderful, wonderful.

Okay, now let's get a
shot of Ricky kissing Susie,

and what's your name, sir?

Frank.

Frank, you stand there

kind of shocked, you know, like,

"What's going on? I
don't know." You know?

Oh, like this?

Perfect.

Perfect. Okay.

Great. Okay.

Now, Susie, you kiss Frank.

And, Ricky, you stand
there kind of surprised.

Yeah, good, Susie,

but stick your
tongue in his mouth.

Dad. Susie, you
don't mind, do you?

No, it's fine.

Dad, come on.

Hey, Ricky, you have all night

to go and dance
and have a good time.

Now, Frank, get
down on your knees

and stick your head
up Susie's dress, okay?

And then, Ricky,

you pull your pants down.

Yeah, come on.

Susie, Susie, you don't mind?

No, it's okay, Ricky.

We can be a few minutes late.

Oh, honey, come
on, bring in the albino.

Oh! Yeah, yeah.

Grrreat.

Okay, good, good.

Aha!

Okay, honey, hose him down.

Whoo!

Yes, okay, now, albino guy,

lift weights.

And, Ricky, you kind
of look at him like,

"Hey, that's a lot of weight."

Oh, and I could
look at him like,

"Hey, where'd you
get weights like those?"

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, what if I don't
look at the weights at all?

Like, I can't see the weights.

I could just be like this.

Yes, Frank! That a boy!

All right, okay, you're
in an earthquake.

In the middle of winter.

Oh, and the sun's in your eyes.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

What the hell is going on here?

Oh, well, we were just taking

a couple of photos of the kids.

What kind of albino is that?

And where did you
get those weights,

some kind of cut-rate
sporting goods store?

Could we at lease
use our albino?

Sure, sure.

Well, hey, wonderful.

Hey, let's get some
gangsters and a cookie chef.

That's a good idea.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Okay, okay, okay, how
about if I stand over here

and I'm, like, big and strong.

I'm a giant, and I'm going
to squish all your cookies,

'cause you're all small people.

You're small people.

Are you two gonna be late?

Oh, yeah, yeah, we got to go.

Bye, thanks for coming.

Good-bye.

You know, he was in an incubator

for three months
after he was born,

so you know how it is.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He had a very, very small head.

It's bad. It's bad.

♪ ♪

Hey, thanks so much
for house sitting, Dan.

Now, you got

the emergency numbers.

I feel like I'm
forgetting something.

Oh, forgot to show you
where I keep the pet food.

Oh, you have pets, huh?

Yeah, sea monkeys.

I had sea monkeys
when I was a kid,

and I took them to
school, and I spilled them.

What? That's terrible.

Come on.

I mean, you order them
out of a comic book.

I mean, they're rip-offs.

Well, please take better
care of mine, okay?

I've had them since I was five.

All right, now, let's see...

Wow, how, uh, big do they get?

Big.

Oh, here they are.

Hey, guys. How you doing?

Aren't they cute?

Okay, I'm just gonna make
sure the garage is locked.

You know, you're right.

They are kind of...

cute.

You did what to
your sea monkeys?

Uh, I spilled them.

It was an accident.

I was little.

Not as little as they were.

Be a shame if somebody
spilled you, huh?

Well, that's it.

I'll see you in two weeks, Dan.

Uh, listen. Listen.

I didn't know sea
monkeys talked.

Talk?

They never talk.

They sing sometimes.

♪ Are you going to
Scarborough Fair? ♪

Oh, my gosh, I
forgot my sideburns.

We talk.

We think.

We scream.

Swimmy here writes for Esquire.

I guess yours never
got the chance,

did they, Dan?

No.

Who knows what
they'd have had to say.

Aw, they like you, Dan.

Hey, take care of them.

Bye, guys.

You know, I think
they'd be much happier

with you on vacation.

Adios, Danny boy.

Rip-offs?

We'll show you rip-offs.

You know what,
Dan? You're right.

Come on, guys,
we're going to Tahiti.

Oh, jeez.

Ah!

You messed with the
wrong sea monkeys, Dan.

Be nice to the pet rock.

Good God!

How many times have you
thought, "Gosh, I'd sure like to hear

"some of the great
hits from the '70s,

"but I sure don't
feel like dragging out

all those old record albums."

Well, now you can hear
them all on one compact disc.

You'll hear songs like...

♪ Sittin' on the
dock of the bay, ♪

♪ watchin' the tide roll away. ♪

♪ Sittin' on the
dock of the bay, ♪

♪ wastin' time. ♪

And many more,

so call and order yours today.

Order your copy of
Hits From the 70's

if you want to.

I know I'm not going to.

I mean, it's just the one song,

and I'm not a
very big fan of it.

Whatever.

Hey, Carla.

Hey, Bill.

Say, have you heard
that great new CD

Hits From the 70's yet?

I sure did, Bill.

I can't get enough of it.

I love that it has songs like...

♪ Sittin' on the
dock of the bay, ♪

♪ watchin' the tide roll away. ♪

And other songs also.

Bye.

If you'd like to order

your copy of Hits From the 70's,

don't bother,

bitch.

Stop lookin' at me.

And now The State presents,

in the ancient art of
Japanese Kabuki theater,

the classic tale The
Love Suicides at Sonezaki,

featuring

Barry Toink,

Louie,

Barry and Levon,

and, of course, Doug.

♪ ♪

Yo.

Yo.

Barry, Levon...

Oh...

Yo!

Yo.

Yo.

Doug, Karen...

Ugh.

Michael Ian Black,

who played Levon
in that last sketch,

went on to portray
Admiral Octopushead

at the Moulin Rouge,

Mr. Showersalot under
the pyramids in Cairo,

and his greatest accomplishment
right here in the good old USA,

this guy.

Just look at my teeth.

Look at my gorgeous choppers.

And do you know
who I have to thank?

You, toothbrush.

You know who you are.

You're my toothbrush.

Come on, let's go run around

and do things set
to popular music.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I love spending time
with you, toothbrush.

But I have to leave you.

You know what they say.

If you love
something, set it free.

If it comes back,
it will last forever.

And if it doesn't, it
was never meant to be.

Good-bye, toothbrush.

Toothbrush!

Toothbrush, you've
come back to me.

And look,

you've started

a family.

♪ ♪

You've heard the stories.

You've read the books.

Now learn the real truth.

Watch Abe Lincoln: The
Unauthorized Biography.

Gosh, Mr. Lincoln,
you're about the best friend

America could have.

Shut up!

Now, out of my way.

I've got slaves to whip.

You won't find this
Lincoln in any history book.

Hello, Mr. President.

Oh, Laureen.

But, Mr. President,
what about your wife

and my husband, General Lee?

I don't care about America.

All I care about is sex
and booze and pills.

Damn this country
and everyone in it.

Mr. President?

John Wilkes Booth.

I'll kill you for what you've

seen here.

Kill you, I say.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Lincoln Logs: The
Unauthorized Biography

of Honest Abe,
Thursday at 11:00.

Little Abe wants to party.

Woof.

Psst. Hey.

You ready to rock
and roll, peewee?

Hey, can't we do
this some other way?

Shut up, shrimp.

I'm gonna love this.

Fine, we'll do it your way.

Staring contest: first
person to laugh loses.

Ready?

Go.

Somebody stop them!

I thought I told you not
to call me here anymore.

You want some of this?

No.

I didn't think so.

Psst.

♪ ♪

Oh, Mama, just to think,

the Pope-a, he's
a-comin' to eat here.

I'm-a so proud.

The restaurant looks-a so nice.

And everybody put on
their best-a white suits.

So nice.

He'll be here soon,

so let's get a quick-a
bite to eat, eh?

Good idea.

That's a good idea.

Here's-a the sauce.

Oh!

Oh!

Look at what you did to
my nice-a white-a suit-a.

And the Pope is a-coming.

Fetch-a the water, Vincenzio.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, no! That's-a no good!

Oh, this is-a no good.

My nice white
suit, it's-a ruined.

And the Pope-a will
be here any minute.

Just-a be careful with the wine.

Okay.

This is-a terrible.

This is awful.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

Look out-a for the mustard.

Oh, not-a the mustard.

Where am I gonna
put the waste-a oil?

Look at what you did
to my nice-a white suit-a.

And here comes-a the Pope-a.

Ey, I'm-a the Pope-a.

Ey, the Pope-a.

I'm sorry it's-a such
a mess, the Pope-a.

That's okay.

The Pope-a, he's-a so nice.

We got-a you a gift, the Pope-a.

Vincenzio, give-a the Pope-a
all of the grape-a juice-a.

Oh, no!

What am I gonna do?

Maybe this-a help. I don't know.