The State (1993–2009): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript

What's the greatest
school around?

Beardan High.

And the winningest
football team in town?

Beardan High!

And what school do we go to?

Oakland!

So what are we
gonna do about it?

Cry!

I said what are we
gonna do about it?

Cry!

♪ Boys and girls. ♪



♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Hello, Bill.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Aren't you forgetting
something, Bill?

Uh...



The door, Bill.

You left the door open.

Were you raised in a barn?

He was.

He was raised in a barn.

Bill,

what are you doing
home from school?

And what are you
doing with the door?

Billy, that door is to
stay open at all times.

You know that.

Now, what... I say
what is going on here?

Everybody at school
makes fun of me

because I'm different,

because I'm barn folk.

Well, barn folk are different.

First of all, we live in a barn.

And we smell real bad

from all the filthy animals.

I just want to be normal.

Go to your room!

And clean it up. It
looks like a pigsty.

It is a pigsty.

Don't... I say don't talk back.

You're right.

I'm not the one
with the problem.

They are.

I'm going back to school.

Bill, the door?

What about it?

Close it.

Hey, teach.

Closin' doors ain't my way.

Why?

Were you raised...

In a barn?

Yes, I was.

And I am proud of it.

I'm barn folk, Mr. Malport.

And your fancy door-closing ways

will never change that.

Being barn folk

might not mean a whole
lot to people like you.

But to me,

it means sleeping with
a pig instead of in a bed.

It means eating
dinner out of a...

Trough...

instead of off

the table.

I was raised in
a barn too, Bill.

Me too.

I was raised on a
houseboat in Spain.

But I guess that's
not really appropriate.

You're right, Bill.

We've learned a very
valuable lesson today.

We're one class.

We should all get
along as equals.

Except for Tom.

His parents are coal miners.

Your parents are coal miners!

We here at The State mean
no offense to coal miners.

Seriously, some of our
best friends are coal miners.

In the future, we will
go to great lengths

to avoid stereotyping
of any kind.

♪ The Jew, the Italian,
and the redhead gay, ♪

♪ we all live together
on Avenue A. ♪

♪ We have zany
adventures from day to day. ♪

♪ The Jew. ♪

♪ The Italian. ♪

♪ And the redhead gay. ♪

Come on, Ken, it's
the end of the month.

We need the money for the rent.

Where's the money?

I'm sorry, Dave, I
spent it all on pasta.

I'm gonna make a
big tomato sauce.

Aw, I would help
you with that, Ken,

but I'm busy picking out
these pretty curtain patterns

for the apartment.

Fine.

I'm gonna go get
some bagels, I guess.

Okay, toodle-oo, schnookums.

All right, Dave, arrivederci.

♪ The Jew, the Italian,
and the redhead gay, ♪

♪ we all live together
on Avenue A. ♪

♪ We each see the
world in our own way. ♪

♪ The Jew. ♪

♪ The Italian. ♪

♪ And the redhead... ♪

♪ Gay. ♪

♪ The redhead gay. ♪

♪ Gay. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Gay. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The redhead gay. ♪

Gina, Bruce, Blueberry
Johnson's here

to pitch you the
new children's show.

Terrific, Evan, send him in.

This is that television producer

you were telling
me about, right?

Yes, he's fantastic. Great.

Hi, Gina. Hi, Bruce.

Hi, Blueberry.

Wow, I love your office.

I love it.

I love it. I love it. I
love it. I love it. I love it.

Sweetheart, we hear

you have an idea

for a new children's
television show.

Yeah, I do. It's gonna be great.

You're gonna love it.

You're gonna love it, love
it, love it, love it, love it.

Great, tell us about it.

Sit down.

Okay, well, it's
for little kids.

And we're gonna play games.

And we're gonna go to the zoo.

And we're just gonna
have a lot of fun learning.

You're gonna love it.

I love it already. I'm sold.

Yeah, it's gonna be called

Blueberry Muffins
in the Morning...

Hey.

With Blueberry Johnson.

Oh. Oh.

Wait a second, Blueberry.

Don't tell me you
want to host the show.

Yeah.

But, Blueberry,

in all candor, you're
a producer, okay?

You're not an actor.

You know, you don't strike
me as the children's show type.

I know, but look at me.

I look like a big doll.

Kids love me.

I was born this way.

I'm really like this.

Well, that may
be true, Blueberry,

but you can't host the show.

No. No.

Oh, but I'm perfect for the job.

I look like a big blueberry,
and I talk like a puppet.

Kids love me.

I was put on this Earth
to host a children's show.

You know, you've had

a lot of experience
behind the camera...

Behind the camera.

You know, but
you've never hosted

a children's show before.

I know that, Bruce,
but I'm trying...

Maybe if you took

an acting class or
something, Blueberry.

Well, that's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

I don't need to
take an acting class.

I look like a blueberry.

Can't you see that?

I mean, how many
people do you know

that were born with blue hair

and talk like one
of the chipmunks?

Other than you?

Yeah.

None.

See? I mean, what
am I missing here?

Well, I thought you'd
produce the show, Blueberry.

I mean, we need
your editing skills.

My editing skills, Gina?

I don't want to edit the show.

I want to host it.

Oh, wow, wow, wow!

But, Blueberry,
what makes you think

that you'd be a good
children's show host?

I'm a freak of nature, Bruce!

I cannot honestly believe

that you're being
this much of a moron.

I have a decade of experience
in children's television.

I'm a tireless worker.

Kids love me.

And to top it all off,

I look like a blueberry!

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

But what makes you think
you're right for the job?

I look like a blueberry.

When are you gonna get
that through your thick heads?

I look like a blueberry.

Are we clear?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

Are we clear?

Yes, Blueberry,
the job is yours.

Oh. I love it.

I love it.

I love it. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it.

Bye, Gina. Bye, Bruce.

Whoo-whee!

We're not actually gonna let him

host the show, are we?

No, no.

I mean, you know who'd
be perfect for the job.

Richard Dreyfuss.

Yeah.

Although we're never
gonna get Richard Dreyfuss.

In five, four, three...

Camera two, zoom in.

And we are out, people.

Nice, job, Richard, I love it.

May I have a glass
of water, please?

Incoming!

Oh, wow, wow, wow.

All right, let's move out.

Me too, Sarge?

Yes, you too, Plummer.

And me, Sarge?

Yes, Verez, everybody.

Let's go.

Uh...

and me, Sarge?

Me too?

Everyone in the whole platoon.

We're moving on.

Uh, you didn't mean me as well,

did you, Sarge?

Yes, I did, Johnson.

We're all going.

You're going too, Sarge?

Yes, I'm going too.

Every one of us are.

All 11 of us, Sarge?

All 11, each and every soldier.

I-I guess that means me
and Lefty too, huh, Sarge?

Yes, yes it does.

You too, Harrell.

Now, all of us are going,

so let's move.

Where'd Sarge go?

Guess we'd better wait for him.

Hi, we're The State.

You know, millions of people
watch our show every week.

And when we look
at the kinds of people

who watch our show,
teenagers and young adults,

we figure that one of our
viewers is Chelsea Clinton.

And we'd like to
speak with her now.

So if you're not Chelsea,
now might be a good time

to go fix yourself a sandwich.

Chelsea, hello.

As you may or may not
know, we at The State

are huge Clinton supporters.

In fact, we all
would've voted for him

if any of us were U.S. citizens.

Diese Amerikaner sind Schweine.

Ja. Ja. Gut.

Which is why we thought
it might be a nice idea

if you invited us all
down to the house

for a little get-together.

Come on. It'll be great.

We'll hang out together.

We'll behave.

We won't steal anything.

And if you don't want
us to touch something,

you could just say, you
know, "Please don't touch that.

That was Lincoln's."

And we'll stop.

And if you like,

Showalter here will do
Doug for you all day long.

I'm outta here, Chelsea.

Maybe we could even have
a slumber party together.

We could probably
all fit into Taft's old bed.

♪ ♪

That's just one
of the many jokes

that'll have you and
the rest of the first family

in stitches all day long.

And as an added incentive,
we've got these cool

MTV T-shirts and hats.

We even got one
for your cat, Socks.

Ohh.

So, Chelsea, you could
send the invitation to us here,

or you could just
have the Secret Service

pick us up one day.

Wouldn't be the
first time for Ben.

Oh, come on, guys, seriously.

That's very, very true.

So, Chelsea, rock the
vote, and Clinton in '96,

unless Jerry Brown runs again.

And remember, we want
to be friends with you.

Not because your
father's the president.

Or because we might
get to fly in a helicopter.

But because on a personal level,
we think you're ten times cooler

than Amy Carter ever was.

Thanks for your time, Chelsea.

Fridays at 10:00,

Cecil B. DeMille
Jr.'s epic sitcom,

Just the 160,000 of Us.

Watch the sorrow, joys, and
wacky situations that happen

when 160,000 people
live in one house.

Next week on a very special
Just the 160,000 of Us...

Bob.

Susan, Latifah, Rhonda,

Cindy, Mandy, Bambi,

Babs, Coach Farnsworth,

Dr. Gaines, Nurse Reynolds,

Sly, Ice Pick, Equay Equay,

Colonel, Aunt
Mae, I found these...

In Deedee, Karen, Wendy,
Lobo, Ashley, Tanner,

Half Pint, and Fatty's room.

Well, I was talking to Chuck,
Ricky, Flabby Peterson,

Gilbert, Tom-Tom,
and Dr. Juarez...

Bob, Susan, Latifah, Rhonda,
Jimmy, Reverend Friar,

everybody... Sam, Josh,
Señor Dolchez, Meg,

Vlad, Stu, Eric, Ranger
Dave, Ratass, Sal,

Dean, Bull, most of the Bowsers,

all of the Tims, and
what's-his-name...

The guy with the sideburns...

Fell down the old
abandoned mine shaft.

Just the 160,000 of Us,

sweeping across America
on Friday nights this fall

like locusts.

Good evening, sir.

Hello.

Hey, what's all
this stuff about?

It's free, sir.

Help yourself.
Please, freshen up.

You're kidding. It's free?

Yes, sir, take
whatever you like.

It's for you.

The ladies will love you.

All right, I don't mind if I do.

Okay, sure.

Great.

♪ ♪

Look at me.

I'm an old guy. I got
an old, gray beard, hey.

Adios, ozone layer.

You never know who
you're gonna meet.

You know what I mean?

Uh-huh.

Yes.

♪ ♪

Mm, yeah.

That's pretty good.

Come on, damn you.

Don't you die on me.

Clear.

To free stuff.

Yeah.

Ah!

Hey, look, it's Santy Claus.

Ho, ho, ho, have you been
a good bathroom attendant?

Whoo, that was great.

Yeah, and free.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, buddy.

Don't think we forgot about you.

No, we didn't forget you.

♪ ♪

Hi, The State asked
me to come out

and kind of kill time
before the next sketch.

There's a big costume change.

So I do know one joke.

Oh, you're ready?

Okay, good, they're ready.

Hey,

what movie's this?

Ehh, make him an offer.

He'll be amused, ehh.

I don't know.

What are youse, all so far gone,

you don't know nothing?

Come on.

Ehh.

I'm a gangster.

I'm a gangster. I don't know.

Come on. Come on.

Nobody knows, Tony.

It's the Godfather!

It's the Godfather!

I am so freakin' bored
with this summer vacation.

Yeah.

We should do something.

For these are the
greatest years of our lives.

Hey, I know, let's go to the zoo

and watch the monkeys do it.

Yeah!

I want to see a big,
hairy monkey do it.

Ooh, wait, maybe we
should call your sister.

Ooh.

Hey, that's not funny, Joey.

My sister's a beautiful
girl with a very hairy face.

I know. She taught
me how to shave.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, yeah, yeah, me too.

Joey, I swear to God.

Whoa.

What are you doing with
the Lord's name in vain?

Nothin'.

You better believe it.

Hey, I just had a
particular thought.

What if we go all
the way to the zoo

and the monkeys
ain't in the mood?

What, for doin' it?

Yeah, for doing it, the monkeys.

That's okay, we just
watch the penguins do it.

Ah, that's disgusting.

You're like a
perverted individual.

What?

Why is that disgusting

and watching the
monkeys doin' it ain't?

Because monkeys is
natural with humans.

Penguins, they
ain't natural like that.

What are you talking about?

Penguins is natural.

Penguins ain't natural.

They was chemically
man-made like the Incredible Hulk.

Unbelievable.

Anthony, how do you know
this about the penguins?

It's in the Bible.

It ain't in the Bible.

It's in the Bible with Noah.

Noah didn't take no
penguins with him on the ark,

so therefore,
penguins ain't natural.

Read your Bible.

There's no mention

of penguins whatsoever.

If it's in the Bible, all right.

Otherwise, I ain't
gonna talk about it.

Are you guys going to
watch the monkeys do it?

Nobody's doi" nothing, Gina.

Oh, don't even try that, Tony,

'cause I heard youse talkin'.

And if you don't take
me and Sherry with you,

then I'm gonna tell Mom
about your perversions.

Don't act remedial, Gina.

Oh, you're remedial.

You're remedial.

Oh, you're remedial.

Hey!

What's going on down here?

They're goin' to watch
the monkeys do it, Ma.

Gina.

Tony, is this-a true?

No, Ma, we was going
out for the cause of science.

Don't you lie to me, Tony.

Yeah, Ma, we was goin'
to watch the monkeys do it.

All of you got dirty minds.

Don't talk-a like that.

The monkeys, they no do it, eh?

They make love.

They look

into each other's eyes.

They touch-a the hands.

No it's a bingety-bangity-boom.

Capisce?

Capisce, Ma.

All right.

So, Tony, get my video camera.

Joey, get my car.

Let's go to the zoo, watch
monkeys make amore.

Let's go watch the
monkeys make amore.

Get in the car!