The State (1993–2009): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript

And now a special
television event.

Ladies and gentlemen,
in just ten seconds,

Dave Herbert of
Katonah, New York,

will have set the
new world record

for hanging around
and smoking cigarettes

in front of the world-famous
CBGB's nightclub.

There it is!

At 2 months, 9
days, and 14 hours,

Dave Herbert has set
the new world record

for hanging out and
smoking cigarettes

in front of CBGB's!



♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Dancing is lascivious, immoral,

and it makes young
people act irresponsibly!

It was a world without rhythm,

a town without a tune.



All they needed was
someone to show them

what being young was all about.

He was the new kid, the rebel,

the underdog, the weird guy,

the drifter.

And when all you know is moving,

moving is all you know.

When last chances aren't enough,

last dances are.

Hepcat.

I realize that I'm captain
of the football team,

and it would be uncool
for a popular guy like me

to befriend a
rebel kid like you,

but I've got a heart of gold,

and I'm actually very
open to new ideas

and people who
are different than me,

and I think that if we hang
out, we'll have ourselves

a lasting friendship that
few people will understand.

So let's be friends. Sure.

In this town,

making new
friends is hard to do.

Hepcat: a film about
two teenage boys

dancing together on a roof.

You want to be
treated like a man?

Then start acting like one!

I didn't tell you that I
quit the football team,

because I didn't think
you'd understand my poetry.

Again with the car!

I work damn hard to
put food on the table!

Because I like my friends, Dad,

and I don't care if
you think they're from

the wrong side of the tracks.

Okay, so I had an affair!

Are you gonna torture me
for the rest of my life over it?

Ricky died in a
plane crash, Dad!

I'm not my older brother.

Get the hell outta here!

With pleasure.

It was a town where
fitting in meant sitting down,

but Hepcat got up to get down.

Rules are meant to be broken.

It was a time when love

wasn't the only forbidden dance.

Who are you?

I'm the preacher's daughter.

Who are you?

I'm a rebel. Who are you?

I'm smart,

but I like danger.

Who are you?

I'm Hepcat.

When the music stopped,

he listened.

And when the people said no,

Hepcat said go,

'cause when the beat hits
you, there's no turning back.

Let's dance!

This is one town that
would never be the same.

♪ ♪

Hepcat...

Coming soon to
a theater near you.

I just love that movie.

Well, if you don't hurry,
we're going to miss it.

Oh.

I hear it's better
the eighth time.

So you have the
number where we'll be.

Uh-huh.

Boys, say good night
to your babysitter.

Be good. Good night.

Okay, good night.

Have a good evening.

Well, hi, boys.

I'm your babysitter, Tammy.

What's up? I'm Jeff.

Todd.

Hi.

You want a beer?

Hey, what are you, crazy?
She's too young to drink.

Oh.

You want a wine cooler?

I'm only 13.

22.

28.

Oh, Tammy, what time you got?

Oh, well, my watch
says it's your bedtime.

Oh, no, Tammy.

Come on!

Tammy. Tammy.

I would like to watch Nightline.

No, I want to watch VH1.

Yeah, but Garrison
Keillor's addressing

the press club tonight.

No, it's a Bruce
Hornsby weekend!

Will you stop it?

She's not gonna let
anybody watch anything

if you keep this up!

Boys!

Enough.

Your parents said no television

until you fill out
your job application.

I did!

No, he didn't.

Tammy, he dropped
out of college.

Well, at least I didn't get my
driver's license suspended.

Shut up. Three times.

Shut up!

Drunk. Dropout!

Hey! Ungh!

Stop it! I didn't drop out.

I chose to leave. I
needed to find myself!

Boys!

Don't make me call your parents.

Stop staring at me.

I'm not staring at you.
Stop staring at me.

Stop staring at me!
I'm not staring at you.

I'm not staring at you.
Stop staring at me!

Stop it! I'm not.

Hello, boys. Hey, Brad.

You all know my
babysitter, Hildy.

Hi, honey.

Well, I was good today;
I cleaned my room,

and I finished the first
draft of my screenplay.

And Hildy's taking
me to Dairy Barn

for an ice cream cone.

You boys want to go?

Can we?

Can we? Can we? Can we? Can we?

Can we? Can we? Can we?
Can we? Can we? Can we?

Have you boys been good today?

Yes. Yes.

No, they've been
fighting all night long.

He started it, Tammy,

because he's upset
about his receding hairline.

Shut up!

I don't have a
receding hairline.

Get off me. My
forehead's just big!

Get off me, Kojak.

Get off me, King and I!

Come on!

We are getting in the car,

and you're driving
me home right now.

But, Hildy, I... I...

I want to go to the ice cream.

I want to go to the ice cream!
I want to go to the ice cream!

All right, that's it.

Bedtime now! Put
on your pajamas.

Ooh. See?

I hate you, Tammy.

Hey! Shut up, man.

She's at a very
awkward stage in her life.

That could have
long-lasting repercussions.

I don't care. I hate her.

Shut up! Shut up!

Where are your pajamas?

What?

This is what we sleep in, Tammy.

Hey, Tammy, can I have a
cigarette before I go to bed?

Ooh, can I call my fiancé?

No!

This sucks. Tammy!

It's Friday night!

Gosh. Gosh.

Don't do that. Don't do that.

Don't repeat me. Don't
you... don't repeat me.

Stop it! Stop it.

Don't do that. Don't do that.

Did they give you any trouble?

Shh.

Aw, our little angels.

If only they could
be 22 and 28 forever.

Shut up. You shut up.

You shut up. You shut up.

So I'm going out
with Jerry tonight,

and I get this pimple.

Totally embarrassing.

So what do I do?

Panic!

No; I call him up, and I say...

Hi, Jerry, um...

My mom was just in
a really bad accident,

and I'm not going to
be able to come tonight.

Problem solved.

So now what do I do
about that algebra test

I haven't studied for?

Hello, officer?

My algebra teacher

made me dance around
in my panties for him.

No problem.

Okay, so the past tense

would be...

Vici.

Vici, oh.

Vici, ha-ha-ha.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Gherkin. I
really appreciate your help.

Absolutely.

Pfft.

"Gee, thanks, Mr. Gherkin. I
really appreciate your help."

So tomorrow at 4:00?

What? Oh, uh, yeah.

Right-o. Right-o. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

"So tomorrow at 4:00?"

Hey. Hey, everybody.

Try and guess who this is.

Uh, Mr. Turner,

you said it was going
to be an open-book test,

and it's closed-book.

I pacifically asked

if it was going to be open-book,

and you pacifically said...

Oh, I know.

Um, Mark Perez.

Okay, guess who I am.

Guess who I am. Guess who I am.

Um, Mr. Maselli,
this is the 800th poem

I've written about how depressed
and misunderstood I am.

Richie Goldman.

Please, don't
kill yourself, Rich.

Please, don't kill
yourself. Like I care!

You're sick.

Okay, it's your turn, Robbie.

Oh. Oh.

Who's this?

Molly Fitzsimmons!

All right. Come on.

That little tramp.

She's a cute girl.
She's a nice girl.

Oooh.

Is that what all
that after-school...

counseling is about, huh, huh?

Come on, the girl needed
a little guidance, all right.

Oooh.

All right, come on, already.

But I gave her
a lot of guidance.

Hey. Hey. Who throws like this?

Oh, oh, oh, I know. I know.

Oh, God, what is
that jerk-off's name?

Oh, um, um... oh, it's the kid

who smells like
cow ass all the time.

Stan Winchell!

I knew that idiot's name.

Oh, God, did you see
his blue velour shirt today?

It looked like he got that
shirt at the Salvation Army.

He did; I know
because I donated it!

Come on. Come on.

These are good kids.
Stan Winchell's a good kid.

He's smart, and he's friendly.
He's got a good attitude.

And he's probably
going to MIT...

Unless I call them up right now

and tell them he's
got a drug problem.

That could ruin the
rest of that kid's life.

Hey, you gotta do it!

Then let's get on the intercom

and announce his
parents are dead.

And then... and then we'll bring
Stanley in here and shave him.

And then,

you bend him over,
and I'll shave his butt!

Look who it is, everybody.

It's Stan Winchell.

Stanley, that is a great shirt.

I used to have one just like it.

I know I'm not supposed to
be in the teachers' lounge,

but I just got my
acceptance letter from MIT,

and I just wanted

to thank each of you personally,

because without
all of your guidance

and support,

I never would've
achieved my goal.

And, Miss Lawrence...

That... that's for you.

I, for one, feel terrible.

So, um...

put a gun in his locker?

In the car, moving
along the highway.

I mean, the highway
is a metaphor.

I mean, I don't know what
for, but it is a metaphor.

Ladies and gentlemen,

in just 20 seconds,

Bill Anderson of
Phoenix, Arizona,

will have set the
new world record

for sitting on a couch

and talking about the
movie Paris, Texas.

You know, and then
he asks Dean Stockwell

if he wants to trade him
the cowboy boots, right?

And then later he
picks up the little boy,

and they go to wait

for Nastassja Kinski at
the bank... of course, today,

they have automatic
teller machines.

There you have it!

In 14 hours and 7
minutes, Bill Anderson,

the new world record
holder for sitting on the couch

and talking about the
movie Paris, Texas!

Well, well, well,

brisket, I love brisket.

We all do, Dad.

That's right, s-son.

Valerie, can I ask
you a stupid question?

What is it?

Nah, you're gonna
think I'm stupid.

Irving, what's your question?

Well, the guy down
there at the end,

the striped T-shirt...

Eric? Eric! Eric.

Yeah, Dad?

What's up?

Not much.

Shame on you,
Irving. He's your son.

Well, as long as
we're on the subject,

the girl next to
Eric, pigtails...

Irving, are you joking?

Would you just tell
me? I won't forget again.

She's our daughter,
and her name is...

Oh.

I want to say paintings,

but those are things
that you hang...

Yeah, I think it
starts with an S.

She just had a
birthday last week.

That's right. That's right.

♪ Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you. ♪

♪ Happy birthday,
dear shwa-shwa. ♪

Damn. I'm sure I know it.

Is it Ga... Gary?
Gary. No, it's not Gary.

Oh, I have an idea.

Hey, everyone, let's
take a pledge, all right?

Oh, great idea, Irv. I'll start.

I, Irving Miller,
do promise to be

the best dad I can be.

Great.

Okay, who else?

Oh, I'll go, Irv.

Heh-heh. Okay.

I, Valerie Miller...
Right, okay...

Do promise to be the
best mommy I can be.

Terrific.

Anyone else? I'll go.

I, Samantha Miller...

Samantha!

Samantha Miller.

Don't I get to finish my pledge?

Don't bother.

Samantha, dear,

would you please
pass the... the...

What, this, Dad? That's the...

Oh.

It's ears of...

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

♪ Happy birthday, ♪

♪ dear corn! ♪

And now that same sketch

completely naked.

Well, well, well,

brisket, I love brisket.

We all do, daddy-o.

♪ ♪

Coming this fall,

the network television
event of the decade.

It's not just another cop show.

It's the year 2000,
and everybody's crazy!

Starring John Finn as
Detective Karl Brocker.

Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on.

And Biff Fritz as
James MacGowan.

Don't. Don't.
Don't. Don't. Don't.

It's a mad world, and
everybody's crazy.

Emma Niedz as
Fannie Blez, the reporter.

Gimme that. Gimme that.
Gimme that. Gimme that.

Don't you get it?
Everybody's crazy!

Bill Creek Danyon as Woodpecker.

Chad Balls as the
fine pecker's pal.

Yeah, yeah.

Am I nuts, or is
everyone crazy here?

You betcha. Ha-ha-ha.

Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.

Catch the action,
'cause it's hot.

Yeah, heh-heh-heh. Yeah.

Catch the suspense.

Wait. Wait. When?

Don't. Don't.

Catch the drama.
Drama! The drama!

Gimme that. Gimme
that. Gimme that.

Check 'em out:

John Finn, Biff Fritz,

Emma Niedz, Bill Creek Danyon,

and Chad Balls in:

Coming this fall.

Tonight on A&E:

a world at war quivers
beneath the ultimate Nazi threat,

the big guns at Navarone.

The only men who
can deactivate it

sit trapped in a
Nazi stronghold,

unable to escape,
unable to complete

the most important
mission of their lives.

♪ Deutschland,
Deutschland ueber alles... ♪

The air raid's scheduled
to take place in 45 minutes,

and we haven't knocked out
the big gun at Navarone yet.

What are we going
to do, Captain?

Rut like pigs and eat
the flesh of our own dead.

Captain. Wh... sorry, Jimmy.

My mind was elsewhere.

Lieutenant, what's
your assessment?

If I remember my years
of chemistry, engineering,

and particle physics
at Stanford correctly,

I may be able to
concoct a device

that'll spring
us from this cell.

I'll need your shoelaces,

two buttons from your jacket,

and your belt buckle, Captain.

All right then.

Right, now, I'll need the
zipper from your pants,

your sock garters, yes, yes.

Now take off your
undershirt. Right.

Now quickly,

put on these little
girls' bra and panties.

There's no time, man!

All right.

What can I do?

Give me your fountain
pen, $10,000 cash,

and pop these
amyl nitrate tablets

under my nose when I
pinch the captain's nipples.

What? Ready?

Go.

Aha-ha-ha-ha.

Good Lord.

He's done it.

Yeah.

I'm such a whore.

Next week on:

We've been hit.

Quickly, drop this
potted plant on my foot,

and then bite my ass!

Hi. We're The State.

Take a look at this:
MTV's Unplugged,

great show, shot right
here in New York City

in front of a live
studio audience,

a live studio audience
that does not, incidentally,

include The State.

Yeah, we can't get
in to see Unplugged.

Why not?

Well, I asked one of
the vice presidents here,

and obviously I'm not allowed
to say what his name is,

so I'll just call him Dirtbag;
I said, "Hey, Dirtbag,

how come we can't get
in to see Unplugged?"

And he gives me this
whole rigamarole about how,

"We can't get 11
tickets for you guys,

and, "We only run the network,"

and, "We probably can't
even count that high."

Now, look at this.

There are 500 people
in this audience, okay?

Want to know who gets
to go see Unplugged?

I'll tell you.

You see her? She
works in ad sales.

I don't know what her job
is, but apparently it involves

talking to her boyfriend
all day on the phone.

You see this guy?

This is the genius who
decided to put our show

on Saturdays at 7:30!

Way to go, Boy Wonder.

And the last time we tried
to sneak into an Unplugged,

this is the bitch
who kicked us out.

Now, obviously, I'm not
allowed to say what her name is,

but it's Blair.

And there's Dirtbag!

You can't get us 11 tickets?

I want to show you something.

The Real World goes to Mexico!

It's not like these are
nice people, okay?

These are seven

of the most annoying
people in the world.

They're spending
a week in paradise,

and I can't even get
in to see Duran Duran?

Where's the justice?

And you want to know
what happened in Mexico,

'cause I'll give you the
highlights right now, okay?

Dominic got drunk and
passed out on the beach,

and annoying Beth...
Not lesbian Beth...

Crashed her moped into a curb.

You don't see The State
crashing mopeds into curbs.

You don't see The State
getting drunk and passing...

I mean, we get
drunk and pass out,

but we do it right
here in America!

Did any of you get
to go see Unplugged?

Did any of you get
to go to Mexico?

No!

This is what I don't get.

They don't even like each
other in The Real World.

They hate each
other. I hate them!

In fact, you know what?

I bet I could pick
six total strangers

out of this audience,
jump on mopeds,

go to Paramus, New
Jersey, and have a better time

than they did in paradise.

In fact, that's what
I'm going to do.

I'm taking six of you.
Who wants to go?

Who wants to go? Okay. You.

You. You. You.
Dominoes, you'se comin'.

'Fro, you're comin'.

You, you, and you.
We're going to Paramus.

And you know what
we're going to do?

We're going to
bring our own guitars,

and we are going to
have our own Unplugged,

just the seven of us,

and that's what we're
going to do, okay?

So here's your guitars.

Here's your mopeds.

And I'm going to teach
you to play Louie Louie,

and we're going to
sit in a dirty hotel room,

and we're going to play Louie
Louie Unplugged for a week

and watch The Real World

and eat chicken
wings until we throw up.

There they are.

We're going to Paramus,
and we're going to have

a better time
than they ever did.

It's easy; you go A,

D, E minor.

It's easy: A, D, E minor.

We're going to Paramus!
To hell with The Real World!