The State (1993–2009): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript
Features the sketches "Not a Talk Show", "Where's the Mousey?", "Tammy Wilkins: Notebook Artist", "The Restaurant Sketch", "Deathfight 5000", "Fan Names", "The Bearded Men of Space Station 11", "Origami", and "Louie & The Last Supper".
Tonight we'll be talking to...
Well, I'll be talking to
world-renowned playwright...
Actually, not so much
playwright as barber.
And I won't be talking;
more like dancing,
sort of a salsa,
cha-cha, merengue...
I'll start over.
Tonight I'll be dancing
with... Well, near... on...
Tonight I will be dancing
on world-famous
dead Parisian barber
Jacques Dauphin.
Five, six, seven, eight.
♪ ♪
♪ Boys and girls. ♪
♪ Action! Action! ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Boys and girls. ♪
♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
Well, this is some spread.
I am hungry.
Where's the mousey?
Where's the mousey?
Where's the mousey?
Where's the mousey?
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
What are we yelling about?
Yeah, what's the mousey?
I don't know.
Did I start that?
Yeah, you were the
one who brought it up.
Yeah, yeah, I know,
but I don't know
what I was talking about.
Gee, we all seem
to have concurred.
I was yelling.
Yeah, I know.
I heard you, honey.
You were livid.
Ah. Yeah.
Well, whatever.
I guess we should eat, huh?
Where's the mousey?
Where is the mousey?
Um, again; it happened again.
You're kidding.
No.
I don't know what mousey
we could've possibly
been talking about.
Do we know someone named mousey?
Is that it?
No.
What's the name of your
college buddy in D.C.?
Philip.
Nope, nope.
Well, I guess we
should start eating again.
Where's the mousey?
Where's the mousey?
Where's the mousey?
They probably spent
600 bucks on that mouse.
I can't even make my
car payments this month.
If they repossess the
car, I can't get to work.
How can I make the
payments if I can't get to work?
Camera two, pan
over to the art gallery.
Maybe I'll just
have to tell the kids
there won't be a
Christmas this year.
Camera two, pan
over to the art gallery.
I heard you, college boy.
Max Steinberg
galleries, New York City,
where an exciting new name
has burst onto the art scene.
And that name is Tammy Wilkins.
I am always so excited
to have a young artist
debut their work at my gallery.
But Tammy is very special,
because, well, she's only 14,
and her work is
so, um, innocent.
What inspires you
to create your art?
I guess, like,
being really bored,
because hi... high
school's really boring,
and I'm bored a lot of the time.
This piece is titled
Green Day Rules.
It's done in ink on notebook.
Now, here is written,
"Green Day rules."
And then this idea
is repeated again.
Down here is a person, I think.
What artists inspire you?
I don't really like
art that much.
I mean, I like pictures
that look like things
but not stuff that you
can't tell what it is.
I like to watch ice-skating.
What do you think
of your daughter's art?
Oh! Jeez.
I work mostly with
pens and notebooks,
but I also make these.
This I made for my friend Jenny,
'cause she's really super.
She's my super-duper friend.
This is Tammy's
most feminist work.
The piece is titled I
Love Andrew Shue.
Now, here we have love
in its relationship to biology.
And the whole scene is fenced in
by this apathetic
mantra, "I am so bored."
Has Tammy's overnight
success affected her schoolwork?
Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, Tammy.
Uh, I'm drawing a blank here.
Tall girl?
Sort of a... Tammy? No? Hmm.
How do you envision your
future in the art community?
I guess I'll keep making these
as long as I stay
bored in high school,
which shouldn't be a problem,
because high
school's really boring.
When Marcel hung
this piece, I cried.
It's a true story.
Are you the spokesperson
for your generation?
I don't understand the question.
You're scaring me.
Excuse me, sir, may
I take your order?
Oh, yes, can you tell me
what the specials are, please?
Listen, sir, I am more
than willing to serve you,
but you're gonna
have to stop yelling.
What? What are
you talking about?
Excuse me, sir.
But my wife and I are trying
to enjoy our meal over here,
and it's very difficult
with you ranting and
raving like a madman.
Wait. I'm not yelling. I...
All right, sir, if that's the
game you want to play,
the specials tonight
are tortellini with capers.
Wait. I'm not yelling.
Everyone here is
acting like I'm yelling
when, in fact, I'm speaking
at a normal
conversational volume.
Now, you see, the joke
here is that everyone here
is saying I'm screaming,
which isn't true.
And that's funny.
Anything that
isn't true is funny,
and anything that
is true isn't funny.
Here, here, I'll give
you an example.
What is your special?
Ah, well our special tonight
is fish sautéed in paper clips,
lightly seasoned with
garden tools, on a b...
Okay, hold. Thanks.
Now, you see, that's
funny, because it's not true.
See, fish with garden
tools and paper clips,
it's not true,
and I'll show you.
Do you really
serve that fish dish?
No.
You see? That's funny.
Sir?
Could you ask me what I
had for breakfast this morning?
All right, uh, what did you
have for breakfast this morning?
Eggs.
You see, I didn't have
eggs this morning.
I had waffles.
And so when I said
"eggs," it was funny.
Sir, sir, try again.
What did you have for
breakfast this morning?
Waffles.
Not funny, because
that's exactly what I had!
And what makes things
really, really funny:
when more than
one thing isn't true.
Here comes the manager!
Please open your
hymnals to page 46
for Rock of Ages.
Okay, now, hold.
Now, you see,
that's really funny,
because there's two
things that aren't true.
First, he's acting
like we're in a church,
and we're not.
Funny.
Second, he's
dressed like a chicken
instead of a restaurant manager.
Also funny,
just as if he were dressed
like a restaurant manager
but were in a chicken coop.
Is there a problem
with your meal, Sir?
Now, that's funny.
Also, he's intrinsically funny,
because he's not really
a restaurant manager.
Right? Right.
See that?
Now, you remember when
the "manager" asked us
to open our hymnals, right?
Now, I said that
was funny, but in fact,
that was the only
thing that wasn't funny,
because we're not
really in a restaurant.
We're in a church.
So the part about the
hymnals wasn't funny.
But all of the restaurant
references were very funny.
Exactly.
But, truth be told,
both the hymnal thing
and the restaurant
thing were funny,
because this is not a church.
It's my bedroom!
Oh.
So I'm gonna go to bed now,
sleeping well with the knowledge
that all of this, everything
that's happened,
has been very, very funny.
Why?
Because none of it was true.
Okay?
I'm going to bed.
Good morning.
Ha, now, you see?
That's funny because
it's not what you say
when you go to bed.
You say good night.
But that's not funny,
and you want to finish
up on something funny,
so good morning.
He said, "Good morning."
He's going to bed.
If you thought Rock
'n' Jock was a blast,
well, then, boy, oh, boy,
do we have a treat
for you, sports lovers.
That's right.
MTV brings you Death Fight 5000,
featuring members of The State.
Satisfy your bloodlust
as The State takes out its
aggressions on each other.
Hey, animal, feast your eyes as
David Wain and Todd Holoubek
kick each other in
the face and stomach.
And blood.
Death Fight 5000.
Scream for mercy
and beg for more
as Kerri Kenney
beats the living crap
out of Michael
Showalter's face and head.
Hold on to your
chairs as Ken Marino
and tag-team partner
Michael Patrick Jann,
in the mismatch of the century,
literally slaughter
little lambs Ben Garant
and Joe Lo Truglio
by punching them repeatedly
in the face with their
fists and by kicking them.
And then, and then, in a twist
that only MTV could dream up,
Kevin Allison fights
himself to the death.
Oooh.
Death Fight 5000.
Did I forget the main event?
You're gonna
love this, fight fans.
It's Barry versus Levon.
This time, the robes
come off for good!
See Barry kicking Levon in
the face and in the stomach.
Watch Levon punch
Barry in the face
and punch him in the head.
Aw, yeah.
It's gonna be $240
worth of blood pudding.
Death Fight 5000,
featuring The State
and blood and kicking
and dancing and singing
and jumping and skipping.
Before the Lord.
Before the Lord.
Hi, this is The State at
MTV. Leave a message.
Beep!
Hi, it's Tricia.
And Gina.
Your biggest fans.
We saw you
wrestling in the skit.
Oh, my God, you were so cute.
We wanna wrestle you.
You're so cute.
Hey, put our names in a skit.
Yeah, put our names in a skit.
Put our names in a skit.
Tricia and Gina.
We love you.
We love you guys.
Oh, hi.
You know, this past summer,
many of us traveled
across the country,
and along the way, we met
many of you, our viewers.
And the one thing we heard
time and time again was,
"Hey, could you use
my name in a skit?"
And we thought that
would be a great idea,
so we made this little
list, and we kept it.
It's everybody's names.
And this next sketch
is for all of you.
Well, well, well, if it
isn't Kristen Trumpy.
Hello, Michael B. Joyner.
How are things in
Washington, D.C.?
Not bad.
But then again, I'm no
John Scott Lewinsky!
Attention.
Will Kate Armstrong and
Neil Holdron please report
to Principal Robert
Rosenblat's office?
Hey, look.
It's that guy
from Pewaukee.
David Harrell.
Bye, guys.
Has anybody seen Nathan Stack?
I can't find him anywhere.
Don't worry, Richard Souza.
He's with Destiny
Templeton, Aaron Jamesfinder,
Melissa Ball,
and the rest of the crew at
the Sherwood Diner in Westport.
Phew.
And here comes a
parade of our friends.
Natasha Walla.
Joseph Mazulo.
Jason Michael Lewis I.
And who could forget...
Debbie Weaver!
Hooray for our friends!
And that means all of you
too, except for Peter Salett,
who tries too hard.
Sorry.
The Bearded Men
of Space Station 11.
It was just like this.
Men, I'd like to introduce you
to the new marshal
of Space Station 11,
Mr. Rob Jones.
Morning, Marshal.
Gentlemen.
Now, as you all know,
you are the bearded
men of Space Station 11.
And as we all know,
beards do not grow in space.
As such, it is my belief
that you five men, who
from now on I will refer to
as the bearded men
of Space Station 11...
Are actually aliens,
and as such, should be committed
to life imprisonment
in space jail.
Are there any questions?
Yeah, Baker, what
aren't you clear about?
The part about the beards, sir.
Gentlemen, I need not
remind you that this galaxy
has an atmosphere of negative 5.
This is an atmosphere in
which beards cannot grow.
But in Space Station 11,
we have Earth's atmosphere.
Beards cannot grow in space.
But they can grow here
on Space Station 11.
Aliens can grow beards,
but not people.
People can grow
beards in space too.
People cannot grow
beards in space.
With all due respect, Marshal,
you're wrong about the beards.
Well, I think I'm right
about the beards.
But you're wrong, Marshal.
People can grow beards.
On Earth, maybe.
But I don't think they
can grow them in space.
You're kidding about
the beards, right?
No.
Men cannot grow beards in space.
But I have a beard.
Well, then you're an alien.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
Well, then you
can't grow a beard.
But he has a beard.
Well, then he's an alien.
He's not; he's from Pittsburgh.
Nuh-uh.
I'm sorry, Marshal,
but you're just wrong
about the beards.
No... no, I'm not.
The Bearded Men
of Space Station 11.
Hey, Steve, you're the coolest.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm glad you don't
have a terrible secret
that would threaten your
status here at high school.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Steve,
what's this?
It looks like some
sort of paper creature.
It's a swan.
Yeah, my little sister makes
those lame-ass things.
Well, I'll just put
it away for you.
No!
Christine, wait.
Steve, I thought I knew you!
But you fold brightly
colored paper
into the shape of animals.
That's so lame.
It's not lame.
It's origami.
Hai!
The ancient Japanese
art of paper folding.
I want you to know its secrets.
I want you to know my secrets.
♪ ♪
Steve?
Yes?
I have something to tell you.
I'm really a guy in drag.
I know that.
I've always known that.
♪ ♪
Guys, Christine and me
have something to tell you all.
I can't keep it in anymore.
I cheated on my SATs.
I confess.
I framed a man for murder,
and now he's a
fugitive from the law.
Christopher Marlowe
wrote all my plays.
What is it you
wanted to say, Steve?
Hi, this is the State at MTV.
Leave a message.
Beep!
Hi, it's Tricia.
And Gina.
We saw you in your underwears.
You guys were so
cute, we're wearing out
the pause buttons on our VCRs.
We worship you.
We think you guys are gods.
You're funnier than Jesus.
Yes.
I tell you this.
You will not break
bread again with me
until it is in heaven.
I talk? You talk to him.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Peter, John?
Yeah.
I'm talking here.
It's kind of important.
Sorry.
You were saying?
I was saying,
I tell you this.
You will not break
bread again with me...
What are you whispering about?
Nothing, nothing.
No, you were talking
about something.
I hate it when people do that.
Would you just tell
me what it is, please?
No, it was nothing.
I was just telling John here
that Louie's coming tonight.
And now Louie,
the guy who comes in
and says his catchphrase
over and over again.
Louie's coming?
Tonight.
He's coming here tonight?
Louie, Louie, the "Gonna
dip my balls in it" Louie?
Yes, he's coming; he's coming.
Oy vey!
Who invited Louie?
Judas?
Judas, why did you invite Louie?
What?
I thought he would
lighten the mood a little bit.
He's funny.
The dippin' the
balls in it thing?
It's a good bit.
It's funny.
Oh, now I'm the bad guy.
I mean, everybody
likes Louie, right?
I love Louie!
It's not that I
don't like Louie.
I love Louie.
I love everybody.
That's my thing, man.
It's just the
balls-dipping thing.
It's cheap, you know?
It's just not my sense of humor.
Tonight I thought
it'd be the 13 of us...
Hey, everybody!
Louie!
Who's got something for me?
I do!
What is it?
Baba ghanoush.
I wanna dip my balls in it.
Who's got a plate of something?
I do!
What is it?
Potato kugel.
I wanna dip my balls in it.
Louie! Louie!
Louie! Louie!
Louie! Louie!
Louie! Louie!
Peter?
Peter, John, James,
you don't want to
stay with me tonight?
Well, come with us.
We're going over to Louie's.
He's gonna dip his
balls in some things!
I wanna dip my balls in it.
Come on, Louie's waiting.
Let's go.
Come on. We'll have
supper next weekend.
No, guys, real quick, seriously.
I'm dying for the
sins of the world,
and one of you's gonna deny me,
and one of you's
gonna betray me!
I wanna dip my balls in it.
We have a warrant for the arrest
of Jesus of Nazareth.
Are you Jesus of Nazareth?
He just went that way.
He's got a short-sleeved
shirt and a tie,
and he's yelling
about his balls.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, the day I'm having.
I just want to go home and
eat a whole cheesecake.
Well, I'll be talking to
world-renowned playwright...
Actually, not so much
playwright as barber.
And I won't be talking;
more like dancing,
sort of a salsa,
cha-cha, merengue...
I'll start over.
Tonight I'll be dancing
with... Well, near... on...
Tonight I will be dancing
on world-famous
dead Parisian barber
Jacques Dauphin.
Five, six, seven, eight.
♪ ♪
♪ Boys and girls. ♪
♪ Action! Action! ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Boys and girls. ♪
♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
Well, this is some spread.
I am hungry.
Where's the mousey?
Where's the mousey?
Where's the mousey?
Where's the mousey?
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
What are we yelling about?
Yeah, what's the mousey?
I don't know.
Did I start that?
Yeah, you were the
one who brought it up.
Yeah, yeah, I know,
but I don't know
what I was talking about.
Gee, we all seem
to have concurred.
I was yelling.
Yeah, I know.
I heard you, honey.
You were livid.
Ah. Yeah.
Well, whatever.
I guess we should eat, huh?
Where's the mousey?
Where is the mousey?
Um, again; it happened again.
You're kidding.
No.
I don't know what mousey
we could've possibly
been talking about.
Do we know someone named mousey?
Is that it?
No.
What's the name of your
college buddy in D.C.?
Philip.
Nope, nope.
Well, I guess we
should start eating again.
Where's the mousey?
Where's the mousey?
Where's the mousey?
They probably spent
600 bucks on that mouse.
I can't even make my
car payments this month.
If they repossess the
car, I can't get to work.
How can I make the
payments if I can't get to work?
Camera two, pan
over to the art gallery.
Maybe I'll just
have to tell the kids
there won't be a
Christmas this year.
Camera two, pan
over to the art gallery.
I heard you, college boy.
Max Steinberg
galleries, New York City,
where an exciting new name
has burst onto the art scene.
And that name is Tammy Wilkins.
I am always so excited
to have a young artist
debut their work at my gallery.
But Tammy is very special,
because, well, she's only 14,
and her work is
so, um, innocent.
What inspires you
to create your art?
I guess, like,
being really bored,
because hi... high
school's really boring,
and I'm bored a lot of the time.
This piece is titled
Green Day Rules.
It's done in ink on notebook.
Now, here is written,
"Green Day rules."
And then this idea
is repeated again.
Down here is a person, I think.
What artists inspire you?
I don't really like
art that much.
I mean, I like pictures
that look like things
but not stuff that you
can't tell what it is.
I like to watch ice-skating.
What do you think
of your daughter's art?
Oh! Jeez.
I work mostly with
pens and notebooks,
but I also make these.
This I made for my friend Jenny,
'cause she's really super.
She's my super-duper friend.
This is Tammy's
most feminist work.
The piece is titled I
Love Andrew Shue.
Now, here we have love
in its relationship to biology.
And the whole scene is fenced in
by this apathetic
mantra, "I am so bored."
Has Tammy's overnight
success affected her schoolwork?
Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, Tammy.
Uh, I'm drawing a blank here.
Tall girl?
Sort of a... Tammy? No? Hmm.
How do you envision your
future in the art community?
I guess I'll keep making these
as long as I stay
bored in high school,
which shouldn't be a problem,
because high
school's really boring.
When Marcel hung
this piece, I cried.
It's a true story.
Are you the spokesperson
for your generation?
I don't understand the question.
You're scaring me.
Excuse me, sir, may
I take your order?
Oh, yes, can you tell me
what the specials are, please?
Listen, sir, I am more
than willing to serve you,
but you're gonna
have to stop yelling.
What? What are
you talking about?
Excuse me, sir.
But my wife and I are trying
to enjoy our meal over here,
and it's very difficult
with you ranting and
raving like a madman.
Wait. I'm not yelling. I...
All right, sir, if that's the
game you want to play,
the specials tonight
are tortellini with capers.
Wait. I'm not yelling.
Everyone here is
acting like I'm yelling
when, in fact, I'm speaking
at a normal
conversational volume.
Now, you see, the joke
here is that everyone here
is saying I'm screaming,
which isn't true.
And that's funny.
Anything that
isn't true is funny,
and anything that
is true isn't funny.
Here, here, I'll give
you an example.
What is your special?
Ah, well our special tonight
is fish sautéed in paper clips,
lightly seasoned with
garden tools, on a b...
Okay, hold. Thanks.
Now, you see, that's
funny, because it's not true.
See, fish with garden
tools and paper clips,
it's not true,
and I'll show you.
Do you really
serve that fish dish?
No.
You see? That's funny.
Sir?
Could you ask me what I
had for breakfast this morning?
All right, uh, what did you
have for breakfast this morning?
Eggs.
You see, I didn't have
eggs this morning.
I had waffles.
And so when I said
"eggs," it was funny.
Sir, sir, try again.
What did you have for
breakfast this morning?
Waffles.
Not funny, because
that's exactly what I had!
And what makes things
really, really funny:
when more than
one thing isn't true.
Here comes the manager!
Please open your
hymnals to page 46
for Rock of Ages.
Okay, now, hold.
Now, you see,
that's really funny,
because there's two
things that aren't true.
First, he's acting
like we're in a church,
and we're not.
Funny.
Second, he's
dressed like a chicken
instead of a restaurant manager.
Also funny,
just as if he were dressed
like a restaurant manager
but were in a chicken coop.
Is there a problem
with your meal, Sir?
Now, that's funny.
Also, he's intrinsically funny,
because he's not really
a restaurant manager.
Right? Right.
See that?
Now, you remember when
the "manager" asked us
to open our hymnals, right?
Now, I said that
was funny, but in fact,
that was the only
thing that wasn't funny,
because we're not
really in a restaurant.
We're in a church.
So the part about the
hymnals wasn't funny.
But all of the restaurant
references were very funny.
Exactly.
But, truth be told,
both the hymnal thing
and the restaurant
thing were funny,
because this is not a church.
It's my bedroom!
Oh.
So I'm gonna go to bed now,
sleeping well with the knowledge
that all of this, everything
that's happened,
has been very, very funny.
Why?
Because none of it was true.
Okay?
I'm going to bed.
Good morning.
Ha, now, you see?
That's funny because
it's not what you say
when you go to bed.
You say good night.
But that's not funny,
and you want to finish
up on something funny,
so good morning.
He said, "Good morning."
He's going to bed.
If you thought Rock
'n' Jock was a blast,
well, then, boy, oh, boy,
do we have a treat
for you, sports lovers.
That's right.
MTV brings you Death Fight 5000,
featuring members of The State.
Satisfy your bloodlust
as The State takes out its
aggressions on each other.
Hey, animal, feast your eyes as
David Wain and Todd Holoubek
kick each other in
the face and stomach.
And blood.
Death Fight 5000.
Scream for mercy
and beg for more
as Kerri Kenney
beats the living crap
out of Michael
Showalter's face and head.
Hold on to your
chairs as Ken Marino
and tag-team partner
Michael Patrick Jann,
in the mismatch of the century,
literally slaughter
little lambs Ben Garant
and Joe Lo Truglio
by punching them repeatedly
in the face with their
fists and by kicking them.
And then, and then, in a twist
that only MTV could dream up,
Kevin Allison fights
himself to the death.
Oooh.
Death Fight 5000.
Did I forget the main event?
You're gonna
love this, fight fans.
It's Barry versus Levon.
This time, the robes
come off for good!
See Barry kicking Levon in
the face and in the stomach.
Watch Levon punch
Barry in the face
and punch him in the head.
Aw, yeah.
It's gonna be $240
worth of blood pudding.
Death Fight 5000,
featuring The State
and blood and kicking
and dancing and singing
and jumping and skipping.
Before the Lord.
Before the Lord.
Hi, this is The State at
MTV. Leave a message.
Beep!
Hi, it's Tricia.
And Gina.
Your biggest fans.
We saw you
wrestling in the skit.
Oh, my God, you were so cute.
We wanna wrestle you.
You're so cute.
Hey, put our names in a skit.
Yeah, put our names in a skit.
Put our names in a skit.
Tricia and Gina.
We love you.
We love you guys.
Oh, hi.
You know, this past summer,
many of us traveled
across the country,
and along the way, we met
many of you, our viewers.
And the one thing we heard
time and time again was,
"Hey, could you use
my name in a skit?"
And we thought that
would be a great idea,
so we made this little
list, and we kept it.
It's everybody's names.
And this next sketch
is for all of you.
Well, well, well, if it
isn't Kristen Trumpy.
Hello, Michael B. Joyner.
How are things in
Washington, D.C.?
Not bad.
But then again, I'm no
John Scott Lewinsky!
Attention.
Will Kate Armstrong and
Neil Holdron please report
to Principal Robert
Rosenblat's office?
Hey, look.
It's that guy
from Pewaukee.
David Harrell.
Bye, guys.
Has anybody seen Nathan Stack?
I can't find him anywhere.
Don't worry, Richard Souza.
He's with Destiny
Templeton, Aaron Jamesfinder,
Melissa Ball,
and the rest of the crew at
the Sherwood Diner in Westport.
Phew.
And here comes a
parade of our friends.
Natasha Walla.
Joseph Mazulo.
Jason Michael Lewis I.
And who could forget...
Debbie Weaver!
Hooray for our friends!
And that means all of you
too, except for Peter Salett,
who tries too hard.
Sorry.
The Bearded Men
of Space Station 11.
It was just like this.
Men, I'd like to introduce you
to the new marshal
of Space Station 11,
Mr. Rob Jones.
Morning, Marshal.
Gentlemen.
Now, as you all know,
you are the bearded
men of Space Station 11.
And as we all know,
beards do not grow in space.
As such, it is my belief
that you five men, who
from now on I will refer to
as the bearded men
of Space Station 11...
Are actually aliens,
and as such, should be committed
to life imprisonment
in space jail.
Are there any questions?
Yeah, Baker, what
aren't you clear about?
The part about the beards, sir.
Gentlemen, I need not
remind you that this galaxy
has an atmosphere of negative 5.
This is an atmosphere in
which beards cannot grow.
But in Space Station 11,
we have Earth's atmosphere.
Beards cannot grow in space.
But they can grow here
on Space Station 11.
Aliens can grow beards,
but not people.
People can grow
beards in space too.
People cannot grow
beards in space.
With all due respect, Marshal,
you're wrong about the beards.
Well, I think I'm right
about the beards.
But you're wrong, Marshal.
People can grow beards.
On Earth, maybe.
But I don't think they
can grow them in space.
You're kidding about
the beards, right?
No.
Men cannot grow beards in space.
But I have a beard.
Well, then you're an alien.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
Well, then you
can't grow a beard.
But he has a beard.
Well, then he's an alien.
He's not; he's from Pittsburgh.
Nuh-uh.
I'm sorry, Marshal,
but you're just wrong
about the beards.
No... no, I'm not.
The Bearded Men
of Space Station 11.
Hey, Steve, you're the coolest.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm glad you don't
have a terrible secret
that would threaten your
status here at high school.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Steve,
what's this?
It looks like some
sort of paper creature.
It's a swan.
Yeah, my little sister makes
those lame-ass things.
Well, I'll just put
it away for you.
No!
Christine, wait.
Steve, I thought I knew you!
But you fold brightly
colored paper
into the shape of animals.
That's so lame.
It's not lame.
It's origami.
Hai!
The ancient Japanese
art of paper folding.
I want you to know its secrets.
I want you to know my secrets.
♪ ♪
Steve?
Yes?
I have something to tell you.
I'm really a guy in drag.
I know that.
I've always known that.
♪ ♪
Guys, Christine and me
have something to tell you all.
I can't keep it in anymore.
I cheated on my SATs.
I confess.
I framed a man for murder,
and now he's a
fugitive from the law.
Christopher Marlowe
wrote all my plays.
What is it you
wanted to say, Steve?
Hi, this is the State at MTV.
Leave a message.
Beep!
Hi, it's Tricia.
And Gina.
We saw you in your underwears.
You guys were so
cute, we're wearing out
the pause buttons on our VCRs.
We worship you.
We think you guys are gods.
You're funnier than Jesus.
Yes.
I tell you this.
You will not break
bread again with me
until it is in heaven.
I talk? You talk to him.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Peter, John?
Yeah.
I'm talking here.
It's kind of important.
Sorry.
You were saying?
I was saying,
I tell you this.
You will not break
bread again with me...
What are you whispering about?
Nothing, nothing.
No, you were talking
about something.
I hate it when people do that.
Would you just tell
me what it is, please?
No, it was nothing.
I was just telling John here
that Louie's coming tonight.
And now Louie,
the guy who comes in
and says his catchphrase
over and over again.
Louie's coming?
Tonight.
He's coming here tonight?
Louie, Louie, the "Gonna
dip my balls in it" Louie?
Yes, he's coming; he's coming.
Oy vey!
Who invited Louie?
Judas?
Judas, why did you invite Louie?
What?
I thought he would
lighten the mood a little bit.
He's funny.
The dippin' the
balls in it thing?
It's a good bit.
It's funny.
Oh, now I'm the bad guy.
I mean, everybody
likes Louie, right?
I love Louie!
It's not that I
don't like Louie.
I love Louie.
I love everybody.
That's my thing, man.
It's just the
balls-dipping thing.
It's cheap, you know?
It's just not my sense of humor.
Tonight I thought
it'd be the 13 of us...
Hey, everybody!
Louie!
Who's got something for me?
I do!
What is it?
Baba ghanoush.
I wanna dip my balls in it.
Who's got a plate of something?
I do!
What is it?
Potato kugel.
I wanna dip my balls in it.
Louie! Louie!
Louie! Louie!
Louie! Louie!
Louie! Louie!
Peter?
Peter, John, James,
you don't want to
stay with me tonight?
Well, come with us.
We're going over to Louie's.
He's gonna dip his
balls in some things!
I wanna dip my balls in it.
Come on, Louie's waiting.
Let's go.
Come on. We'll have
supper next weekend.
No, guys, real quick, seriously.
I'm dying for the
sins of the world,
and one of you's gonna deny me,
and one of you's
gonna betray me!
I wanna dip my balls in it.
We have a warrant for the arrest
of Jesus of Nazareth.
Are you Jesus of Nazareth?
He just went that way.
He's got a short-sleeved
shirt and a tie,
and he's yelling
about his balls.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, the day I'm having.
I just want to go home and
eat a whole cheesecake.