The State (1993–2009): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
Features the sketches "Oh Betty", "Otto Bimini", "Job Interview", "Can I Go Play", "Can I Go Play II", "TV Watching", "Talk You", "Can I Go Play III", "Inbred Brothers", and "Headlines".
And now a special
television event.
And now for the
call and response,
please turn to page 34
in your naughty hymnals.
Ohhhhhhh, Betty!
Ohhhhhhh, Betty!
Oh, Betty! What you
trying to do to me?
Oh, Betty! What you
trying to do to me?
Oh, you're hurting me.
You're hurting me.
Ow! You're killing me!
You're killing me!
I want to rock you all over.
Oh, Betty, I want
to rock you all over.
Amen.
♪ Boys and girls. ♪
♪ Action! Action! ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Boys and girls. ♪
♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ ♪
Of all the waves created
on the runways of Milan,
none were as great
as the haute couture
of Belgian underpants
sensation Otto Bimini.
When I was a child,
I would constantly
pee in my underpants.
And as a result,
my father would beat me
with the laundry satchel.
You know?
And it was the fusion
of these two elements
which inspired my
line of underpants,
which I call simply Bimini.
Otto Bimini is a fraud
and a nincompoop.
He has no sense of style,
and he stole one
of my creations.
I call it the Chicken
Feather Missile underpants.
I've been working
on it for seven years.
What is it about your underpants
that makes them so especial?
It's the sense of fantasy
that permeates my creations.
I can take something so
simple and turn it into couture.
For example, these are made
from aluminum foil
and pipe cleaners, yes.
I got them at the
A&P for $2 American.
And what is the price
tag on a piece like this?
These are $14... $14,000.
But what you pay
for is my vision,
the fantasy, you know.
Could you give us a peek
at your upcoming
signature series?
Yes, this is from that series.
These are store-bought
Fruit of the Loom underpants
which have been signed by
me or one of my assistants.
And all the proceeds will
benefit whooping cough research.
It's an awful disease,
children everyplace whooping
and coughing all the time.
It'd break your
heart if you saw it.
What's with this?
What's going on here?
None of these are
working down here.
This is all just...
Zap!
Oh, God!
Where do you
look for inspiration?
First, I look under my pants.
And then I look for a theme,
such as hate or
pumpkins or dogma.
And then with this in mind,
I look back into my pants
and let the dream begin.
How would Otto Bimini
like to be remembered?
I would like to be
remembered for my underpants.
But I would also like
to be remembered
as very tall, which I'm not.
I'm 5'2", which for a man
is well below average.
Otto Bimini, taking
the fashion world
by the seat of its pants.
Bravo!
Mr. Fisher will see you now.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Will that be all, sir?
Very good.
Oh, damn these Biminis.
I just want you to know,
sir, that I am thrilled
to be able to
interview for this job.
Right.
It's been a goal
of mine forever, sir.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you're not
the only applicant
after the position, Alan.
I understand that, yeah.
So I kind of want to throw
a couple questions at you,
see if I think you really
have anything to offer us.
That's great by me, sir.
You go right ahead.
All right.
Well, first of all,
do you think I'm nice?
Excuse me?
You need a hearing aid, Alan?
Do you or don't you?
Well, sure, you seem
like a good guy to me, sir.
Well, thank you.
My gosh, that's so sweet.
I mean, you don't have to...
Well, anyway.
There are, of course,
much weightier concerns.
You realize that, Alan.
Well, of course, sir,
like my math skills.
Right, like that and like, uh...
I'm fat, aren't I?
You think I'm fat in this suit?
Now, I can tell you do.
Why don't you just
say it? I'm a fat ass.
No, sir.
It wouldn't have
even occurred to me.
Get out of here!
You are the world's
biggest sweetheart!
What did I do to
deserve all this?
Okay, well, you're
welcome. You're welcome.
Listen, you might have noticed
that I did graduate
magna cum laude
from my school,
and I thought that...
Yeah, well, we prefer summas,
but that's why I want to
get a feel for, you know,
whether you might want to
go to the movies sometime
and if there's anyone
you might want to invite.
You know, sir, I
really wasn't planning
on going to the
movies this weekend.
Interesting.
Maybe you shouldn't
plan on making six figures
right out of college.
You want to go
to the movies, sir?
What angel from
heaven brought you here?
You're a dreamboat.
But I can't possibly
hire you, Alan.
Why not?
Look, kid, you're a
fine applicant, sure,
but this enormous crush
on me, it's so unprofessional.
Mr. Fisher, I do not
have a crush on you.
Oh, jeez, kid.
Now, come on. This is just sad.
Look, I've known you
all of what, ten minutes,
and all you can do is
talk about how svelte I am
and how I must let you take
me to the movies, you rascal.
Sir, I don't think this
is gonna work out.
All right, pookie.
We'll go to the movies,
but I'm not going back
to your place for drinks.
I'm leaving, sir.
Fine, fine, snookums, one drink.
Oh, but no footsies!
Alan Pinkerton. Yes.
Congratulations.
I'm the president
of this company,
and I say anyone who
lasts more than five minutes
with Mr. Fisher is hired.
Great!
Now, you know
your duties, right?
Sure, lounging
around in my briefs,
singing Danny Boy
in the executive sauna.
Don't forget the
piggyback rides.
Oh, right, right.
Yee-ha!
A brow-raising scene.
One would hardly
expect such behavior
out of men in the workplace.
And yet 93% of the population
is attracted primarily
to the same sex.
In fact, California, France,
both the Delawares,
and the former Soviet Union
are already completely overrun
with out-of-the-closet
gay homosexuals.
In fact, all 5 billion of
the Earth's inhabitants
would like nothing better
than running off to Florence
with my husband, Bob.
Oh, really?
Bob! What?
Get out of here!
Oh, forget it.
Just go to the next thing.
Mom, Vince and I
are gonna go outside to play.
Is that cool?
Sure. Just be home by dinner.
Hey, Vince, what
do you want to do?
Hey, let's go to New York.
Are you crazy?
That's over 80 miles from here.
So what? We'll catch a bus.
Okay.
Gee, I wonder what Brendan
and Vince are doing right now.
When your children
say they want to
go outside and play,
don't let them.
Where can I put my money?
They might be in New York City
getting plowed at a strip
joint that doesn't card.
You're pretty like my mom.
♪ Boys and girls. ♪
♪ Action! Action! ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
Mom, Chris and I
are gonna go outside and play.
Is that cool?
Sure. Just be home by dinner.
What do you want to do, Chris?
Let's go to L.A. and
get some Chinese food.
L.A.? But that must be at
least 1,000 miles from here.
So what? We'll hitchhike.
Come on.
Okay.
Gee, I wonder what Lucy
and Chris are doing right now.
When your children
say they want to
go outside and play,
don't let them.
Oof!
Come on, forget about it!
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Come on!
Oh, man, I can't
believe we shot that guy!
Forget about him! He's dead!
They might be in Chinatown
running guns for the Yakuza.
Are you gonna watch
TV again tonight?
I was planning on it. Why?
Can't you spend one night
at home without watching TV?
Of course I can.
I bet you can't.
All right, fine.
Fine, for the rest
of the evening,
I will abstain from
watching television, okay?
All right?
I mean, there's a
million things I could do.
I'm... I'm gonna, uh...
Why don't you call Bill?
A... hey, you know what?
I'm gonna call Bill.
You, uh... You want
to come over tonight?
Oh, really? That's on tonight?
Can you tape it for me?
Hey, what... what is
this, fiction, nonfiction?
It's funny 'cause
"nonfiction" means "true,"
but "fiction" means "not true."
I always thought that was funny.
Why don't you read a book?
Hey, hey, that's your thing.
That's what you do.
You're the reader here.
I'm gonna go play in the sink.
Ow!
Hey, honey, look!
I'm scrambling the water!
Channel 31, the Fish Channel.
Channel 32, the
Home Fish Network.
Channel 33, VH-Fish.
Honey! Look!
Vacuum feet!
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two, one.
One, three, one,
three, one, three.
One, four, one, four. One, five.
Five, four, three...
Hey.
Rosemary.
Hey, honey, do we
use rosemary? I love it!
I really love it.
It's great!
Ah, rosemary.
Honey, look, I can swing
it all the way around.
Look, round and round and round
and round and round.
All right.
Hey, look what I
found in the closet.
I thought I threw
this stuff out.
I look great, huh?
Honey, why don't
you turn on the tube?
What are you talking
about? We made a bet.
You know what? You won the bet!
I'm not gonna watch TV anymore.
I'm gonna alphabetize
my sock drawer.
I'm gonna shave more.
I'm gonna learn how
to make French toast
with rosemary, honey!
There's something
wrong with the color.
Mm-hmm.
And now back to Talk, You
with your host, Rick Spade.
We're back with
screen star Gloria Lake.
Before the break,
you were telling us
about your latest picture.
Well, Rick, it's so hard
to know where to begin.
My first B pictures were
filmed at Sennett Studios.
But there was so
much before that,
so many backwoods bus stations.
Gab, gab, gab.
Talk, talk, talk.
Why don't you give
me a straight answer?
Well, I was getting to it, Rick.
Why, I was going to tell
you about the first time that...
That Bobby and I went to...
Pull yourself together, sister!
Smack!
Oh, Rick.
I think I might love you.
You're good.
But it's time for
our next guest.
What's his racket, Pete?
He's a juggler, Rick.
He juggles things.
Shut up!
Send him out here.
You hate me, don't you?
Come, quickly!
For my first juggling trick...
Enough talk.
Juggle, and step on it.
Enough!
Scram!
Let the poor guy juggle, Rick.
Who made you the host?
You'll never change.
I suppose it's too late
to ask you to roll the
clip from my latest...
Get out, why don't ya?
Gloria Lake, ladies
and gentlemen.
You... you could've at
least rolled the clip, Rick.
Shut up!
What's the matter, Rick?
We got to cut to a commercial.
After that, some broad's
gonna come out here
and do ten minutes of
stand-up that'll rip your heart out.
Play the theme music, Deano.
♪ Stick around. ♪
♪ Daddy, stay tuned. ♪
♪ Hold tight, Papa. ♪
♪ That's what
you've got to do. ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Don't be a hard-boiled baby. ♪
♪ Come on. Talk, You. ♪
♪ ♪
Mom, Zachary and I are
gonna go outside and play.
Is that cool?
Sure. Just be home by dinner.
Hey, Zach, what
do you want to do?
You want to go down to Miami?
Miami? That's 3,000 miles away.
We'll hop a train.
Okay.
Gee, I wonder what Matthew
and Zachary are doing right now.
When your children
say they want to
go outside and play,
don't let them.
Bienvenidos a los
Estados Unidos.
Oye! Inmigración!
They could be in Miami
smuggling Cuban
immigrants across the border.
Hi.
I bet ya I could
hit myself with this.
Bet you you cain't.
Bet I can.
Bet you you cain't.
Bet I can.
Thunk! Ow!
I'm Emmett.
And I'm Lyle.
And we are the...
What are we doin'?
The Inbred Brothers.
Uh, help, somebody!
♪ ♪
This week's episode:
Emmett's Love Interest.
Howdy. What are you doin'?
Oh... oh...
you... you wanna
see me f-fall down?
What am I doin'?
You sound like a pig.
Next week on The
Inbred Brothers,
Lyle catches fire.
Ah! Ah! What am I doing?
What am I doing?
See y'all next week.
No, you listen to me!
I don't have time for this crap!
I got one job and one job on...
You rat fink, shut up! Shut up!
Now, if I'm not
crazy, it's 7:00 p.m.,
and we ain't got a headline.
Pittman, give me a story.
Okay, this is what we got.
Senator McMichael is caught
in bed with his secretary.
That's news to me,
Pittman. Headline?
"McMichael gives
late-night dictation."
Dictation. Dictation?
This is a newspaper,
people, not a thesaurus!
Right now, it's a
sausage, people.
It's got to be a meatball.
Okay, I got it!
We abbreviate.
Something like "McMichael
gives late-night dic."
I'm fallin' asleep here, people.
I'm Rip van Winkle here.
Wake me up in 20 years, people!
I got it!
"Sex senator's dic rocks
New York City late at night."
I got it!
"Porno sex addict
rocks New York."
Now, that's a headline!
That's it! That's master!
That's a cigar, people!
Blauser, can we prove it?
Yeah, Senator McMichael,
we're running a headline
tomorrow that reads,
"Porno sex addict
rocks New York City."
I'm counting down to three.
If you don't deny the story,
then I'm assuming it's true.
Three, two, one.
Go; go; go; go; go!
Delmar, you go to the
factory and tell Brunson
to print that son of a bitch!
Yes, sir!
Well, don't just sit there.
Move, you little rug rat.
Go; go; go; go; go; go; go!
All right, everybody,
good work, good work.
Hey, Berger, this just in.
The Dow Jones Industrial
Average just dropped 40 points.
Stop the presses!
Stop the presses!
Delmar, get in here!
Lederhausen, give me a headline!
Uh... uh, "Dow Jones
goes down on Wall Street."
How about... how about, uh,
"Mr. Jones goes
down on Wall Street"?
Nah.
"Mr. Jones takes downers
and gets bulled on the street."
"Pervert dope fiend
makes love on the streets"!
Wait! I got it!
"Porno sex addict
rocks New York."
Now, that's a headline!
I'm a new man, people!
It's a canary. It's
chirping in the trees.
Blauser, can we get
Mr. Jones on the phone?
Who's Mr. Jones?
Look in the phone book.
We got deadlines, people!
Mr. Jones, if you're
addicted to sex,
please be silent, five,
four, three, two, one.
Go; go; go; go; go; go!
Delmar, get down to the factory
and tell Brunson to
turn on those machines!
Juice 'em up! Juice 'em up!
We're looking at Pulitzers
for this one, people!
Hey, Berger!
Canada just declared
war on Switzerland.
Stop the presses!
Stop the presses!
Delmar, get in here!
Somebody give me a headline!
"Porno sex addict
rocks New York"!
Go!
All right, good work,
everybody, good work.
Hey, Berger, we
got a story here.
It's hot off the wire!
Well, don't just sit there like
a lovesick puppy, Pittman.
Spit it out!
Okay, get this!
Pornography star Sacha Satin
is on a mad killing
spree in Central Park!
Stop the presses!
Stop the presses!
Delmar!
Somebody give me a headline!
I got it!
"Crime rate goes up."
Go; go; go; go; go; go!
television event.
And now for the
call and response,
please turn to page 34
in your naughty hymnals.
Ohhhhhhh, Betty!
Ohhhhhhh, Betty!
Oh, Betty! What you
trying to do to me?
Oh, Betty! What you
trying to do to me?
Oh, you're hurting me.
You're hurting me.
Ow! You're killing me!
You're killing me!
I want to rock you all over.
Oh, Betty, I want
to rock you all over.
Amen.
♪ Boys and girls. ♪
♪ Action! Action! ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Boys and girls. ♪
♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
♪ ♪
Of all the waves created
on the runways of Milan,
none were as great
as the haute couture
of Belgian underpants
sensation Otto Bimini.
When I was a child,
I would constantly
pee in my underpants.
And as a result,
my father would beat me
with the laundry satchel.
You know?
And it was the fusion
of these two elements
which inspired my
line of underpants,
which I call simply Bimini.
Otto Bimini is a fraud
and a nincompoop.
He has no sense of style,
and he stole one
of my creations.
I call it the Chicken
Feather Missile underpants.
I've been working
on it for seven years.
What is it about your underpants
that makes them so especial?
It's the sense of fantasy
that permeates my creations.
I can take something so
simple and turn it into couture.
For example, these are made
from aluminum foil
and pipe cleaners, yes.
I got them at the
A&P for $2 American.
And what is the price
tag on a piece like this?
These are $14... $14,000.
But what you pay
for is my vision,
the fantasy, you know.
Could you give us a peek
at your upcoming
signature series?
Yes, this is from that series.
These are store-bought
Fruit of the Loom underpants
which have been signed by
me or one of my assistants.
And all the proceeds will
benefit whooping cough research.
It's an awful disease,
children everyplace whooping
and coughing all the time.
It'd break your
heart if you saw it.
What's with this?
What's going on here?
None of these are
working down here.
This is all just...
Zap!
Oh, God!
Where do you
look for inspiration?
First, I look under my pants.
And then I look for a theme,
such as hate or
pumpkins or dogma.
And then with this in mind,
I look back into my pants
and let the dream begin.
How would Otto Bimini
like to be remembered?
I would like to be
remembered for my underpants.
But I would also like
to be remembered
as very tall, which I'm not.
I'm 5'2", which for a man
is well below average.
Otto Bimini, taking
the fashion world
by the seat of its pants.
Bravo!
Mr. Fisher will see you now.
Thank you.
Good luck.
Will that be all, sir?
Very good.
Oh, damn these Biminis.
I just want you to know,
sir, that I am thrilled
to be able to
interview for this job.
Right.
It's been a goal
of mine forever, sir.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you're not
the only applicant
after the position, Alan.
I understand that, yeah.
So I kind of want to throw
a couple questions at you,
see if I think you really
have anything to offer us.
That's great by me, sir.
You go right ahead.
All right.
Well, first of all,
do you think I'm nice?
Excuse me?
You need a hearing aid, Alan?
Do you or don't you?
Well, sure, you seem
like a good guy to me, sir.
Well, thank you.
My gosh, that's so sweet.
I mean, you don't have to...
Well, anyway.
There are, of course,
much weightier concerns.
You realize that, Alan.
Well, of course, sir,
like my math skills.
Right, like that and like, uh...
I'm fat, aren't I?
You think I'm fat in this suit?
Now, I can tell you do.
Why don't you just
say it? I'm a fat ass.
No, sir.
It wouldn't have
even occurred to me.
Get out of here!
You are the world's
biggest sweetheart!
What did I do to
deserve all this?
Okay, well, you're
welcome. You're welcome.
Listen, you might have noticed
that I did graduate
magna cum laude
from my school,
and I thought that...
Yeah, well, we prefer summas,
but that's why I want to
get a feel for, you know,
whether you might want to
go to the movies sometime
and if there's anyone
you might want to invite.
You know, sir, I
really wasn't planning
on going to the
movies this weekend.
Interesting.
Maybe you shouldn't
plan on making six figures
right out of college.
You want to go
to the movies, sir?
What angel from
heaven brought you here?
You're a dreamboat.
But I can't possibly
hire you, Alan.
Why not?
Look, kid, you're a
fine applicant, sure,
but this enormous crush
on me, it's so unprofessional.
Mr. Fisher, I do not
have a crush on you.
Oh, jeez, kid.
Now, come on. This is just sad.
Look, I've known you
all of what, ten minutes,
and all you can do is
talk about how svelte I am
and how I must let you take
me to the movies, you rascal.
Sir, I don't think this
is gonna work out.
All right, pookie.
We'll go to the movies,
but I'm not going back
to your place for drinks.
I'm leaving, sir.
Fine, fine, snookums, one drink.
Oh, but no footsies!
Alan Pinkerton. Yes.
Congratulations.
I'm the president
of this company,
and I say anyone who
lasts more than five minutes
with Mr. Fisher is hired.
Great!
Now, you know
your duties, right?
Sure, lounging
around in my briefs,
singing Danny Boy
in the executive sauna.
Don't forget the
piggyback rides.
Oh, right, right.
Yee-ha!
A brow-raising scene.
One would hardly
expect such behavior
out of men in the workplace.
And yet 93% of the population
is attracted primarily
to the same sex.
In fact, California, France,
both the Delawares,
and the former Soviet Union
are already completely overrun
with out-of-the-closet
gay homosexuals.
In fact, all 5 billion of
the Earth's inhabitants
would like nothing better
than running off to Florence
with my husband, Bob.
Oh, really?
Bob! What?
Get out of here!
Oh, forget it.
Just go to the next thing.
Mom, Vince and I
are gonna go outside to play.
Is that cool?
Sure. Just be home by dinner.
Hey, Vince, what
do you want to do?
Hey, let's go to New York.
Are you crazy?
That's over 80 miles from here.
So what? We'll catch a bus.
Okay.
Gee, I wonder what Brendan
and Vince are doing right now.
When your children
say they want to
go outside and play,
don't let them.
Where can I put my money?
They might be in New York City
getting plowed at a strip
joint that doesn't card.
You're pretty like my mom.
♪ Boys and girls. ♪
♪ Action! Action! ♪
♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪
Mom, Chris and I
are gonna go outside and play.
Is that cool?
Sure. Just be home by dinner.
What do you want to do, Chris?
Let's go to L.A. and
get some Chinese food.
L.A.? But that must be at
least 1,000 miles from here.
So what? We'll hitchhike.
Come on.
Okay.
Gee, I wonder what Lucy
and Chris are doing right now.
When your children
say they want to
go outside and play,
don't let them.
Oof!
Come on, forget about it!
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Come on!
Oh, man, I can't
believe we shot that guy!
Forget about him! He's dead!
They might be in Chinatown
running guns for the Yakuza.
Are you gonna watch
TV again tonight?
I was planning on it. Why?
Can't you spend one night
at home without watching TV?
Of course I can.
I bet you can't.
All right, fine.
Fine, for the rest
of the evening,
I will abstain from
watching television, okay?
All right?
I mean, there's a
million things I could do.
I'm... I'm gonna, uh...
Why don't you call Bill?
A... hey, you know what?
I'm gonna call Bill.
You, uh... You want
to come over tonight?
Oh, really? That's on tonight?
Can you tape it for me?
Hey, what... what is
this, fiction, nonfiction?
It's funny 'cause
"nonfiction" means "true,"
but "fiction" means "not true."
I always thought that was funny.
Why don't you read a book?
Hey, hey, that's your thing.
That's what you do.
You're the reader here.
I'm gonna go play in the sink.
Ow!
Hey, honey, look!
I'm scrambling the water!
Channel 31, the Fish Channel.
Channel 32, the
Home Fish Network.
Channel 33, VH-Fish.
Honey! Look!
Vacuum feet!
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two, one.
One, three, one,
three, one, three.
One, four, one, four. One, five.
Five, four, three...
Hey.
Rosemary.
Hey, honey, do we
use rosemary? I love it!
I really love it.
It's great!
Ah, rosemary.
Honey, look, I can swing
it all the way around.
Look, round and round and round
and round and round.
All right.
Hey, look what I
found in the closet.
I thought I threw
this stuff out.
I look great, huh?
Honey, why don't
you turn on the tube?
What are you talking
about? We made a bet.
You know what? You won the bet!
I'm not gonna watch TV anymore.
I'm gonna alphabetize
my sock drawer.
I'm gonna shave more.
I'm gonna learn how
to make French toast
with rosemary, honey!
There's something
wrong with the color.
Mm-hmm.
And now back to Talk, You
with your host, Rick Spade.
We're back with
screen star Gloria Lake.
Before the break,
you were telling us
about your latest picture.
Well, Rick, it's so hard
to know where to begin.
My first B pictures were
filmed at Sennett Studios.
But there was so
much before that,
so many backwoods bus stations.
Gab, gab, gab.
Talk, talk, talk.
Why don't you give
me a straight answer?
Well, I was getting to it, Rick.
Why, I was going to tell
you about the first time that...
That Bobby and I went to...
Pull yourself together, sister!
Smack!
Oh, Rick.
I think I might love you.
You're good.
But it's time for
our next guest.
What's his racket, Pete?
He's a juggler, Rick.
He juggles things.
Shut up!
Send him out here.
You hate me, don't you?
Come, quickly!
For my first juggling trick...
Enough talk.
Juggle, and step on it.
Enough!
Scram!
Let the poor guy juggle, Rick.
Who made you the host?
You'll never change.
I suppose it's too late
to ask you to roll the
clip from my latest...
Get out, why don't ya?
Gloria Lake, ladies
and gentlemen.
You... you could've at
least rolled the clip, Rick.
Shut up!
What's the matter, Rick?
We got to cut to a commercial.
After that, some broad's
gonna come out here
and do ten minutes of
stand-up that'll rip your heart out.
Play the theme music, Deano.
♪ Stick around. ♪
♪ Daddy, stay tuned. ♪
♪ Hold tight, Papa. ♪
♪ That's what
you've got to do. ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Don't be a hard-boiled baby. ♪
♪ Come on. Talk, You. ♪
♪ ♪
Mom, Zachary and I are
gonna go outside and play.
Is that cool?
Sure. Just be home by dinner.
Hey, Zach, what
do you want to do?
You want to go down to Miami?
Miami? That's 3,000 miles away.
We'll hop a train.
Okay.
Gee, I wonder what Matthew
and Zachary are doing right now.
When your children
say they want to
go outside and play,
don't let them.
Bienvenidos a los
Estados Unidos.
Oye! Inmigración!
They could be in Miami
smuggling Cuban
immigrants across the border.
Hi.
I bet ya I could
hit myself with this.
Bet you you cain't.
Bet I can.
Bet you you cain't.
Bet I can.
Thunk! Ow!
I'm Emmett.
And I'm Lyle.
And we are the...
What are we doin'?
The Inbred Brothers.
Uh, help, somebody!
♪ ♪
This week's episode:
Emmett's Love Interest.
Howdy. What are you doin'?
Oh... oh...
you... you wanna
see me f-fall down?
What am I doin'?
You sound like a pig.
Next week on The
Inbred Brothers,
Lyle catches fire.
Ah! Ah! What am I doing?
What am I doing?
See y'all next week.
No, you listen to me!
I don't have time for this crap!
I got one job and one job on...
You rat fink, shut up! Shut up!
Now, if I'm not
crazy, it's 7:00 p.m.,
and we ain't got a headline.
Pittman, give me a story.
Okay, this is what we got.
Senator McMichael is caught
in bed with his secretary.
That's news to me,
Pittman. Headline?
"McMichael gives
late-night dictation."
Dictation. Dictation?
This is a newspaper,
people, not a thesaurus!
Right now, it's a
sausage, people.
It's got to be a meatball.
Okay, I got it!
We abbreviate.
Something like "McMichael
gives late-night dic."
I'm fallin' asleep here, people.
I'm Rip van Winkle here.
Wake me up in 20 years, people!
I got it!
"Sex senator's dic rocks
New York City late at night."
I got it!
"Porno sex addict
rocks New York."
Now, that's a headline!
That's it! That's master!
That's a cigar, people!
Blauser, can we prove it?
Yeah, Senator McMichael,
we're running a headline
tomorrow that reads,
"Porno sex addict
rocks New York City."
I'm counting down to three.
If you don't deny the story,
then I'm assuming it's true.
Three, two, one.
Go; go; go; go; go!
Delmar, you go to the
factory and tell Brunson
to print that son of a bitch!
Yes, sir!
Well, don't just sit there.
Move, you little rug rat.
Go; go; go; go; go; go; go!
All right, everybody,
good work, good work.
Hey, Berger, this just in.
The Dow Jones Industrial
Average just dropped 40 points.
Stop the presses!
Stop the presses!
Delmar, get in here!
Lederhausen, give me a headline!
Uh... uh, "Dow Jones
goes down on Wall Street."
How about... how about, uh,
"Mr. Jones goes
down on Wall Street"?
Nah.
"Mr. Jones takes downers
and gets bulled on the street."
"Pervert dope fiend
makes love on the streets"!
Wait! I got it!
"Porno sex addict
rocks New York."
Now, that's a headline!
I'm a new man, people!
It's a canary. It's
chirping in the trees.
Blauser, can we get
Mr. Jones on the phone?
Who's Mr. Jones?
Look in the phone book.
We got deadlines, people!
Mr. Jones, if you're
addicted to sex,
please be silent, five,
four, three, two, one.
Go; go; go; go; go; go!
Delmar, get down to the factory
and tell Brunson to
turn on those machines!
Juice 'em up! Juice 'em up!
We're looking at Pulitzers
for this one, people!
Hey, Berger!
Canada just declared
war on Switzerland.
Stop the presses!
Stop the presses!
Delmar, get in here!
Somebody give me a headline!
"Porno sex addict
rocks New York"!
Go!
All right, good work,
everybody, good work.
Hey, Berger, we
got a story here.
It's hot off the wire!
Well, don't just sit there like
a lovesick puppy, Pittman.
Spit it out!
Okay, get this!
Pornography star Sacha Satin
is on a mad killing
spree in Central Park!
Stop the presses!
Stop the presses!
Delmar!
Somebody give me a headline!
I got it!
"Crime rate goes up."
Go; go; go; go; go; go!