The State (1993–2009): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript

And now a special
television event.

♪ And humming, hmm. ♪

Yeah, yeah.

This little town hasn't had
its own election or mayor

in over 100 years.

Everybody said,
"Those Jonesville people

are too stupid to
select their own mayor."

Aw.

We fought 'em. We
had the laws changed.

Hear! Hear!

And I'm proud to announce



that after our
first free election,

our mayor of choice
is this red balloon!

Bring it on out here.
Bring the balloon out here.

You know, when I
first met this balloon...

Pop!

I killed it!

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪



♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Karen!

Karen!

Damn, she must be sleeping.

Forget it. I'm outta here.

Who's out there?

It's Doug.

Doug?

What are you doing?

I'm here to see
Karen, Mr. Sanderson,

if you can bear to
let her out of her cage

for five seconds.

She's sleeping, Doug.

Lies!

Your hatred for me can't
come between the love

that your daughter
and I feel for each other.

Call the men in blue
on me, Mr. Sanderscuz.

I'm Doug. I've been
on the lam before.

I know how to survive.

No, Doug, I won't
call any police.

Why don't you come inside?

You sleep here
every night anyway.

It's a Doug thing, sage.
You wouldn't understand.

Could you please
just get Karen for me?

All right, I'll get her.

Hey, Doug, "I'm outta here."

That's right.

He's out of touch.

Doug, honey, why
don't you come on inside

before you catch cold?

Hey, I'm Doug.

Maybe I don't
want to come inside.

Maybe I want to catch a cold.

Maybe I likes
having the sniffles.

Okay, Doug. Good night.

"I'm outta here."

Good night, Dougie.

Mock my style if
it behooves thee,

Mrs. Sanderson,

but here stands I, Doug,
unfettered and calm.

Doug, why don't you come inside?

Karen, I've come
here to apologize

for that big fight we had today.

Doug, we made up.

Karen, I've come
here to serenade you.

Doug, it's 3:00 in the morning.

I know, my love,
but I'm a night bird.

Okay, everybody.

Let the serenation begin.

Hey, Doug.

Hey, Dad. Sorry I'm late.

I was with the Heartbreakers.

Petty was freaking
out. It was a total mess.

Dad, no one wants to hear
about your geeky friends.

Jeez, it's so embarrassing.

Hey, Jerry, what are you
doing letting your kid out so late?

It's only 3:00, Bob. I'm
surprised you're sleeping.

Hey, could you guys
save the jabber jaw

for the country club?

I'm trying to make
some music here.

♪ One, two, three, four! ♪

♪ Karen, I've
circled your house ♪

♪ tons of times on my bike. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And, Karen, I'm
making a mix tape ♪

♪ with all the songs
that you like. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Most of your girlfriends ♪

♪ annoy me, ♪

♪ especially Claire. ♪

♪ Because, Karen, I'm carin' ♪

♪ about Karen. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh. ♪

♪ Karen, I'm carin' about you. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Karen, I'm carin'
about carin' for you. ♪

♪ And you're Karen, ♪

♪ and I care. ♪

That was great, Doug.

I'm coming right down.

Well, well, well.

What's going on here, Doug?

I'm serenading my
girlfriend, pig man.

I guess that means
you'll have to arrest me.

No, don't arrest him!

Actually, your neighbors
called, told us about the music,

and we were wondering
if you'd all like to party

with some of the beer
we confiscated tonight.

Hey, what do you say, Doug?

I'd say that sounds
like a pretty beat scene.

Hey, Karen, you want
to go to the graveyard

and conjure some spirits?

No, I think I'll stay
here and party a bit.

Oh, okay, that's cool.

Hey, everybody, "I'm"...

"Outta here!"

Damn.

Hi, if you'd like to
learn more about Doug,

why not check out Look
Who's Outta Here Now

by El Shabazz Valez Chodid

or Nancy McFarland's

Doug: The Second Luckiest
Guy in the Whole World?

You know something?

I am the luckiest
guy in the world.

I have a wonderful wife

and a beautiful family.

That's sweet, dear.

Come in.

Jill, what the hell
are you doing here?

Don't try and stop me, Dick.

My name is Jill Dockenheim,

and I've been having an
affair with your husband

for the past three years.

Jill, I want you to get out
of this house right now.

Dick, is this woman
telling the truth?

Of course not, honey.

I've never seen this
woman before in my life.

I will see you

at the motel tonight?

He told me you were dead.

She is, Jill.

She died four years
ago in the cave-in.

I mean, do I have to
show you the scrapbook?

Oh, God.

Oh, God, the memories.

Oh, baby!

You told this girl I was dead?

Told what to who?

Where do you get
these ideas, honey?

I have never seen this woman

in my life.

Jill, honey, I want you
to go back to the motel.

Okay.

And I promise we'll work
everything out tonight,

okay, my bumblebee?

This is your big
bear talking to you.

Big bear, okay.

I'll wear the nightie
you gave me.

Ooh, arrr.

Oh, whoo.

What?

Nothing, honey. Sorry.

No, no, no, come on. What is it?

It's nothing. Now,
come on, honey.

If something's bothering you,
I think we should talk about it.

What is it?

I don't know. I-I just
still feel like you...

knew that woman.

Oh, are we ever dropping this?

I mean, is this your new
theme tonight, honey?

If this is your new
theme, let me know.

I mean, what about you, honey?

I mean, I didn't want to... I
didn't want to point fingers,

but I've been noticing
you've been spending

an awful lot of time lately at
the Federal Bank downtown.

Would you care to explain that?

I work there. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I know you work
there, honey. I know.

I guess that's why you
feel this need to go there

Mondays through Friday
between 9:00 and 5:00.

I mean, what gives, Caitlin?

9:00 to 5:00?

I'm going out.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go to Jill's. Jill's?

Again with the Jill's!

I don't know who this
Jill person is, honey.

I can't argue with you

because I don't know
what you're talking about.

I mean, Jack and
Jill, Jill St. John.

What is this?

I don't know.
Maybe it's just me.

I think it is.

Look, I'm going out,

and if you need anything between
now and tomorrow morning,

please call me, all right?

Here's Jill's
number at the motel.

And when I get back,
can I not hear any more

about this so-called
Jill person?

Jill, wait up!

Can I ask you all something?

Can any of you kids talk?

And now, Christopher Walken

and Gilbert
Gottfried for Bownty.

You're in your home.

You're gonna go downstairs,
have a nice breakfast.

It's a bright, sunny day.

You spill the coffee or salsa.

Yes, salsa, with the chunky,
drippy bits and the peppers.

You spill it on your trousers.

What are you gonna do?

Are you gonna let
it ruin your trousers?

No, no, no. They're
nice trousers.

Brooks Brothers maybe.

Thank you.

You need towel, tissue, sponge.

Something super absorbent.

Bownty. Yes.

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Bill, we need to
talk about Tommy.

What's wrong?

I found these in his room.

You don't think that he...

Yes, Bill, I think that
Tommy's getting mixed up

in commercial whaling.

But whale hunting's been
globally outlawed since 1987.

I know. I know. I know.

If only...

If only we'd talked
to him sooner.

Arr!

Commercial whaling:

talk to your kids about it
before somebody else does.

Some of the kids
in school tease me.

Hey, look!

That kid's feet look just
like bologna sandwiches.

No way, Jose.

Those kid's feet are
bologna sandwiches.

He's got bologna feet!

Where'd you get bologna feet?

I know who my real friends are,

and despite my
physical shortcomings,

I know that there are
a lot of people out there

who love me and believe in me,

like my soccer coach,
Coach Jefferson.

I'd like to put him
in more games,

you know, give the
fans what they want.

But he can't get the cleats on.

The cleats mush his
sandwich... His feet.

I'll tell you something:

he may not be the best
player on this team, you know.

His feet pretty much
are bologna sandwiches.

But he's got tons of guts,
and he tries real hard.

Hey, come on, man!

Hey, hey, hey!

If you had half as much
heart as Bologna Foot,

you'd be all-state by
now, wouldn't you?

Huh? That's right.

Walk it off, Bologna Foot.

You, what do you do?

There's a lot of teasing
in the locker room,

you know, just guy stuff.

The fellas will call
him "Bologna for Feet"

or "Sandwich Feet"
or "Penis Face" or...

When I first met Tim,

I thought he was kind of weird,

you know, like, the
way he walks and stuff.

My father totally objected
to my relationship with Tim.

He was like, "No daughter of
mine's gonna date some boy

with feet that are made
out of bologna sandwiches."

Look, I have nothing
against the boy, okay?

Here's the thing: what if
they want to have kids?

Then what do you get?
You get bologna kids.

And I was like, "Dad,
I love him, you know?

"I don't care if his feet
are made out of prosciutto

"or Genoa salami or liverwurst.

I love him, and
he's a good person."

Sometimes I wonder,

if I was stranded
on a desert island,

would I eat my feet?

And you know what?

I don't think I would.

You know, people always say,

"I wish I was an
Oscar Mayer weiner."

You know, if they
thought about it,

I don't think they'd say that.

Even though my feet are
made out of bologna sandwiches,

I'm not gonna let that stop me.

I'm taking tap dancing lessons.

And as soon school's over,

Alice and I are gonna go
hike the Grand Canyon.

Until then, I'm just a
regular high school kid

with a grotesque deformity.

Beavis and Butt-Head.

Beavis and Butt-Head.

Butt-Head.

Julie from The Real World.

When will they learn?

The State!

We... we got one from The State!

Praise Jesus!

We got one from The State!

Hey, everyone!

Hi.

We get a lot of mail
here at the show,

but here's one letter
we'd like to share with you.

It comes from Dan
Trumble of Hinsdale, Illinois.

Dan writes, "Dear The
State, I really like the show."

Thanks.

"But I would love it if you did
some more serious material,

"maybe something about
the intriguing relationship

"between painter
Georgia O'Keeffe

and photographer
Alfred Stieglitz."

So here you go.

For Dan Trumble
of Hinsdale, Illinois,

The State presents something

that shows a little bit
more of our dramatic range,

Stieglitz and O'Keeffe:
The Paris Years.

Hey, Al, would it kill you

to put the toilet
seat down just once?

Hey, did you come
out of the kitchen?

I didn't even think
you knew where it was.

Listen to Ferdinand
Magellan over here.

I know something in the bedroom
you can't ever seem to find.

Oh, you got me!
You got me, yeah!

Oh, yeah, boy!

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

New from Martin Brothers:

It's fun. It's arresting.

It's Busted!, the
drug busting game.

You and your friends are
skeezy, drug-loving lowlifes

looking to hook up.

But be careful.
Someone's undercover.

And you could be...

Busted!

Hand it over, scum!

Not so fast, piggy man!

Police brutality, ah!

Bring all the
excitement of the streets

into your own living room.

Be the first to get to
rehab, and you win!

Hey, one free stomach pumping!

Old lady's purse
is full of cash!

Hey!

Wait a minute.

Tried crack a third
time. Go to Addict Alley?

But I'm the cop. Oops!

Busted!

Yes, anything can happen

in Busted! By Martin Brothers.

Available in all toy stores
and wherever incense is sold.

You're going down!

Ah!

This grunge dating
piece is so frustrating.

I just can't seem
to get the words out.

I'm gonna get some coffee.

Do you want some?

Sure, thanks, Matt.

Oh, actually, could you get me

a coffee and a doughnut
as long as you're going?

What?

Uh, get me a coffee
and a doughnut

as long as you're going.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jack, you want a
coffee what a doughnut?

Coffee and a doughnut.
What don't you understand?

What's this "and"?

What's that all about?

"And"?

You're telling you've never
heard the word "and" before?

No, I haven't.

Matt, you're a
successful writer.

Come on, "and."

This and that. Up and down.

No, it doesn't ring a
bell, but it sounds cool.

What does it mean?

You know, you put
it in between things,

and then they're together.

You know, coffee and a doughnut.

Shorts and a top.
Drinking and driving.

I love that.

This is gonna open
up a whole new world

of expression for me, Jack.

I mean, there's
so much I could do!

I just want to go out.
I want to celebrate.

Or, "I want to go
out and celebrate."

I want to go out and celebrate.

Hey, Matt.

The usual, a pastrami sandwich?

Not today, Frank.

I want a pastrami
sandwich and a pickle.

Well, well, well.

And a root beer!

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm a-walkin' and a-talkin',

and I'm having a ball.

And the sky and the ground
and my thighs and Alice Cooper.

And Kabuki Stadium
roundup and Coriolanis

and the Baker Street Irregulars
and cleaning and radar.

And now Jack Robertson.

Matt, I think you're going
a little bit overboard on this.

And?

Yeah, see, that's just it.

I mean, I know
you're a late bloomer

with the whole "and" thing,

but you don't have to
prove anything to anyone.

"And" is a terrific word.

I mean, there's no denying that.

But I still think you're
overdoing it a bit.

Oh, and I guess that
explains all the awards I got

for my Grunge and Dating
and Having It All series.

Fine, Matt. Forget
the whole thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Forget the whole what?

This sketch was brought
to you by the word "and"

and the letter O,

as in "Oh no turnips"

and "Oh boy radishes"

and just plain "Oh," as in...

Oh, there you guys are.

Jean, I'm so sorry
we're late. I really am.

Oh, that's okay.

It's just I was
beginning to think

I'd been stood up.

We wouldn't stand you up.

No, Jean, quit your crying.

We didn't stand you up.

Congratulations on
your big promotion.

Here, we got you a lamp.

Oh, well, thank you.

Oh, well, you're welcome.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jean. I have PMS.

I am a complete...
I got to take a whiz.

Does anyone have
a problem with that?

Jean, Bob? No?

No, no. Good!

Jean, maybe this
lunch was a bad idea.

Oh, yeah, her PMS, huh?

Yeah, I mean she's
got these mood swings.

She's just not herself at all.

That's okay. I understand.

I don't think I'm out
of line when I say,

does every bathroom
in every public place

have to feel like I'm
sitting on a block of ice?

What are you
looking at, pig boy?

Uh, hey, Jean, Jean,

why don't you...

Why don't you tell us about
your new promotion, huh?

Oh, yeah, Jean.

Tell us all about it.

Tell us about it while
I put some makeup on

to cover my enormously fat face.

Oh, God!

Wow, you weren't kidding.

It gets worse.

Whoa!

I'm dropping everything tonight.

I'm all thumbs.

Hey, good thing I'm
not a concert pianist.

Oh, you hear what I said?

I said "pianist."

I meant "pianoist," right?

Right, Jean?

Hey, oh, hey, Jean.

Ears to you, right?

Ears to you, right, Jean?

Hey, Jean, tonight we celebrate.

Right.

Yo, stewardess!

Yo, stewardess!

Look, lady, I just quit smoking,

and I'm really,
really not in the mood

to deal with this today, okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, Betty, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you bring us

a bottle of your finest
pure grain alcohol,

and make it snappy,
you Tootsie Roll, you.

Okay, come on. All right, go.

Giddyap, giddyap,
giddyap, giddyap.

Go; go; go; go; go.

Because we're celebrating.

Hey, Jean, come on.

Let's wrestle.

No, no, honey, no.

Oh, I can't, Carol.
I'd love to, but I can't.

All right, all right.
I'll wrestle this guy.

Come on, pig boy.

Oh, my goodness.

Should we go help pig boy?

Yeah, I guess we should.

Carol?

Here I am!

Oh, hi, Bob.

This dress feels so good!

Jean, I love that
you got a promotion.

I love you, Jean.

And I love you too, pig boy.

Oh, dear.

Maybe this wasn't such
a good idea after all.

Oh, you're right.

I've ruined everything.

Oh, I feel much better.

Uh, honey, is everything okay?

Yeah, why? Do I have
something in my teeth?

Uh, no.

Hey, everything's okay, right?

Well, we're here to celebrate,

so why don't we order, huh?

Yo, stewardess! Right?

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

Okay, somebody
give me a cigarette,

or I'll break his neck!

Carol, Jean,

do something!

Carol, you look so bloated!

Really? Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Hey, everybody.

Carol's PMS saved us all.

Three cheers for PMS!

Hooray!

Hooray!

Hooray!