The State (1993–2009): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript

And now a special
television event.

What would you say if I told you

this tiny computer chip

had enough memory
to store every book

in every library in the world?

Would you say I was lying?

Are you calling me a liar?

If you got something
to say to me,

why don't you say it to my face?

You want to go?

Come on! Come on!



I will kill you, man!
I swear to God!

I'll kill you! Come on!

Look, I'm sorry. We
don't want to fight, okay?

The best thing you
can do right now

is just walk away.

Come on! Come
on! I will kill you, man!

Get out of here! Do you
see what you've done?

David!

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action!
Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪



♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Attention, Drew.

Yeah, Barry?

Look at that guy.

Yeah?

Look at him as
he reads his book.

By the wrinkles in his brow,

one can imagine
the giant word party

going on in his
overactive brain.

Yeah, yeah. Big old
word party in his head.

To that guy, every
paragraph is a warm embrace,

every period a
friendly good-bye.

This guy right here,
he's the ultimate...

Drew. What?

Drew. What?

There's a very good
name for that. For what?

There's a very good name for
a guy who reads ad infinitum.

I had no idea.

I must find this word or die.

O most holy of crusades,
thou hast seduced me.

Hello, ladies. ¿Como esta?

Hi, Barry.

Endless apologies
for the sudden entry,

but I find myself
neck-deep in crisis.

Question: what do you call a guy

who can't keep his
face out of books?

Temper check, okay.

One who loves to
read is called a...

God, that's such
a good question.

It's a really good question,
and I totally know this.

Nothing? Nothing?

Do we have it? Are we there?

Do we have it? Are we locked on?

Envelope, please.
And the winner is...

I don't know. Do
you know, Marcy?

I don't know, Barry.
Like, philosopher?

Silver medal try, but no.

Adiosé, ladies.

I must seek knowledge
and its bastard son truth.

Bye, Barry.

See you later maybe?

You see, I have to wear

a sort of special
kind of underwear.

What's that, like
diapers or something?

Sort of.

And the guys razz me about it.

They make fun of you? Yeah.

Out, out. Let's go now.

Let's go. Out. Good-bye.

Hey, Mr. Toink.
What brings you by?

Counselor Noonan,
never before have I needed

your guidance and
expertise more than I do now.

What I need from you

is a price check on a word
that describes someone

who constantly has
his nose in books,

who loves books,

can't get enough books,

will name all his children Book,

worships a deity named
Book, capital B-O-O-K.

Temper check, okay.

All right, Bar.

Have you tried "bibliophile"?

Are you asking if I am one

or if they threaten
my sexuality?

Oh, never mind.

Hey, why don't you just
go find one and ask him?

Once again, wisdom thrown
down from the mountain,

Mount Noonan.

Exit Barry a wiser man.

You.

What do you call you?

Bookworm?

Bookworm.

Bookworm!

Bookworm, Drew.

Next.

So, Mr. Turner, candy?

No, thank you.

Mind if I indulge
my sweet tooth?

If I get a job
today, I don't care

if you play Yankee
Doodle out your ass.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, Mr. Turner.

Well, you've had a
number of positions

in the last few months.

Your last job was
as a veterinarian?

Yes, it was. Well,
how'd that go?

Well, brother, it
went down like this...

All right, ma'am,

what seems to be the
problem with your bunny?

Well, Daisy won't
eat her bunny food,

and she sleeps a lot.

Yeah, all right.

All right, stop
right there, ma'am.

I think I know
what the problem is.

Oh, uh-huh. Yeah.

All right.

Dr. Turner?

Yeah?

What are you doing
with my bunny?

My job, ma'am.

But you've got my bunny
rabbit down your pants.

All right, ma'am, look...

So what happened to the bunny?

Well, the bunny died,
Red, but not because of me.

It was hit by a car.

I happened to be
driving the car at the time,

but that's besides the point.

Oh, my God.

Well, speaking of cars,

I see you also worked
as an auto mechanic.

Yes, I did. Yes,
I did... briefly.

Uh, yeah, I don't know
what the problem is with it.

You know, she
coughs. She sputters.

Okay, all right, let's
take a look at her.

Yeah.

Here's your problem.

It's your cam shaft.

Oh, it's the cam shaft? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's
definitely the cam shaft.

What are you doing?

Oh, all right, Mr. Goodwrench.

You know so much
about car parts, right?

Okay, how about you put the
cam shaft down your pants?

Come on, Mario Andretti.

Put it down your pants!

This isn't right!

This ain't right!

So, Red, that's
how that went down.

Yes, indeed.

Well, I see you also worked

as a nursery school teacher.

Yes.

I really don't want
to, uh, talk about that.

Okay, Mr...

Yeah, yeah.

Well, Mr. Turner, I don't
know if we can help you here.

Your job record isn't very good.

I tell you, the only thing

I could possibly see
sending you in on is,

there's a guy over
on Maple Street

looking for somebody to
put things down his pants,

but other than that...

Nothing in food service?

No, I'm sorry.

Well, I guess beggars
can't be choosers.

I guess I'll take that job
over on Maple Street.

Very good. It's funny; I
live over on Maple Street.

That is funny.

I'm going there
now. Can I get a ride?

Sure, sure. Great, great, great.

Yeah, so anyway,

I was talking to the wife
the other day about...

You know, the wife likes that.

Right, right, right.

You want some candy?

No, no, sure. Go ahead.

All right, all right.
Settle down, now.

♪ Boys and girls. ♪

♪ Action! Action! ♪

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Feeling lonely, depressed?

Looking for something
more than just sex?

Call the Relationship Line,

where real people
are standing by

to have a real phone
relationship with you.

No, no, I was not... I
was not flirting with her.

I was looking at her.

She was... I was ordering.
She was a waitress!

No, you're always
right. I'm always wrong.

God! God! God!

I love you.

I just don't want to
say it all the time,

you know, because...

Hi, I'm Tim Anderson
from Dubuque, Iowa.

People really live this way.

People Really Live This Way!

Hello. Good morning, everyone.

I'm Carla Richardson,
and y'all know Bob Banks.

Good morning, everybody.

I'll tell you what, Bob.

Why don't you
make yourself useful

and go get me
some coffee, will you?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Seriously, Bob, tea is fine.

Great to see you too, Carla,
and what a show we have today.

Oh, I'll tell you, Bob.
This is something else.

Today we'll be giving away

our $20,000 People
Really Live This Way! prize,

and I can't wait to find
out who's gonna win.

I'm kidding. I
couldn't give a crap.

Let's go to Cleveland
to meet our first finalist.

Hi, Patty.

Patricia, thanks for
having us at your home,

and what a beautiful home it is.

I'm kidding.

My watch costs
more than this house.

Patricia, I'm kidding, honey.

My watch band costs
more than this dump.

But you know what they say, Bob.

People Really Live This Way!

Patricia, what are you gonna do

with the $20,000 if
you're our big winner?

Well, I thought
I'd pay some bills.

Patricia, I was kidding.

I know what you'd do.

You'd buy more frozen tater
tots for your white trash family.

I'm getting sick.

Let's go to Austin, Texas!

Hey, Rich, what's the prob?

My wife left me,
and I'm gonna jump.

Oh.

Well, before you do
anything too drastic, Rich,

we've got your
wife on the phone,

and she wants to talk to you.

Really? Yeah, Rich.

You're not kidding?

Rich, we have a lot
of fun on this show,

but we wouldn't kid
about something like that.

Hello? Hello, Eleanor?

We were kidding, Richie!

So what are you gonna
do with the prize money

if you win, big boy?

I just want my wife back.

Well, you can't
buy people, Richie.

Well, actually, Carla, you
could buy his wife back

because she's a whore.

I'm kidding, Richie.
She's not a whore.

But I'm sorry to
report that she is dead.

She died right
after she left you.

What?

I'm kidding!

She's not dead,
but she is a whore.

Kidding!

She is dead, and she is a whore.

I was not kidding about that.

Let's go back and
visit our buddy Tim.

So how's it going
out there, Tim?

Well, they... they
foreclosed on the farm,

and they've taken pretty
much everything by now.

Well, not to worry, Tim,

because you're our big
$20,000 prize winner,

and you can buy the
farm back from the bank.

It's all yours again, Tim.

You don't have to
live this way anymore.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

There is no prize money.

Well, there was prize money,
but we spent it on hookers.

Too bad for you, farm boy.

Congratulations
on nothing, whitey.

You know, it's funny,
but it's true, Bob.

Say it with me.

People Really Live This Way!

♪ ♪

Does anyone have
a ten for two fives?

Oh, yeah, sure, pal.
I got you over here.

Hold on.

Where's my wallet?

Wait a second.
Somebody stole my wallet.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Hey,
hey, stop that guy.

He stole my wallet.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, sir. Excuse me.

Oh, damn. I lost him.

Oh, villainy.

Sorry.

Hi, we're The State.

You know, a lot of
people might think

that big television
stars like us are tempted

to engage in some
questionable social activities,

which really bothers us,
because we know that there are

a lot of impressionable
young viewers out there.

So we thought it
would be a good idea,

as responsible members
of the MTV family...

And it is a family.

To set the record straight.

First of all, we don't
smoke cigarettes.

And that's because we know
that cigarettes are bad for you.

And they're not
sexy or fun to smoke.

That's a really good point, Ken.

And we don't drink
beer all day every day.

We don't spend our weekends

drunk off our ass
on Jagermeister

smashing car windows.

And I'm not drunk right now.

And we don't do drugs.

That is, we don't smoke pot.

You know, "reefer."

And you know Special K,
which is a hospital anesthetic?

We never tried that at a
party on Greenwich Street,

and it wasn't really cool.

And none of us have
ever been arrested

for shoplifting CDs
at Tower Records,

especially me.

And if you're wondering
if we ever picked up

three underage
girls in Georgetown,

got them drunk, and then
crashed their dad's Alfa Romeo,

I would have no idea what
you were talking about.

So there you have it.

The only thing we
do that's questionable,

and I'm not even sure it is,

is sell babies on
the black market.

I mean, we make a lot of young
married couples very happy,

and when you're buying in bulk,

the profit margin per
unit is just astounding.

Aww.

You're my ticket to
Monte Carlo, aren't you?

Thanks for your time.

♪ Na, na-na, na-ah, mm. ♪

Feeling mopey and sad?

Need to talk to Carrie Fisher?

Call 555-FISH.

Actress and author Carrie
Fisher is waiting to talk to you.

You were really
great in Star Wars.

Thank you very much.

On Jabba's sand barge,
in that leather thing,

you looked great.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Do you still get paid for those?

Clark, why is it that
you and Superman

are never here at the same time?

Well, I guess it's just
a coincidence, Lois.

Oh, my God!

Meteors!

Big, giant meteors are
destroying Metropolis!

What are we gonna do?

Oh, it's about time I checked
that utility closet, Lois.

Clark?

Up, up, and away!

Clark?

Clark, are you still in there?

Clark?

♪ I'm a teeny little milkmaid. ♪

Ah! Lois!

Sorry, Clark.

Hi, Lois. Hi, Clark.

What are you doing?

Nothing. It's personal.

That's why I'm in a closet.

Mind if I join you?

Sure.

♪ We are teeny
little milkmaids. ♪

I'll leave you two alone.

We're being attacked by
giant flying robot sharks!

Ah!

Oh, my God!

Got to go, Superman?

Nah, it'll wait.

Lois & Clark will return

after Gilbert & Sullivan's
production of Jack & Diane,

starring Siegfried & Roy.

But first, Barry & Levon.

♪ ♪

Aw, yeah.

Aw, yeah.

I'm Levon.

And I'm Barry. Bonsoir.

And we're gonna
get it on tonight.

Aw, yeah.

That ain't no couch.

That ain't no sofa.

Not a sofa... In sight.

This is...

A love seat.

The seat d'amour.

Ah!

Stop the show.

I think I need a doctor.

A doctor? Why, whatever for?

I think I... I think I
got a broken heart.

Well, as any fool knows,
there's only one cure for that.

Love.

Aw, yeah.

Aw, yeah.

Barry, baby, I love the seat,
but does the seat love me?

Seat loves me.
Seat loves me not.

Seat loves me.
Seat loves me not.

Seat loves me. Aw, yeah.

Barry, baby, how much
did this love seat cost?

Can you put a price tag on love?

Let's just say we put it on...

Layaway.

Aw, yeah.

Levon, I have got
to feel the love.

I have got to feel the seat.

I think I love the seat.

I think my seat's in love.

Are we ready to
turn up the love?

Let the loving commence.

Awww, yeeeah.

It's too much love seat, Barry.

My world has been
officially rocked.

I got to rest.

I got to... lie down.

Aw, yeah.

Aw, yeah.

Now, if y'all will excuse us,

we got some
business to attend to

with this love seat.

Aw, yeah.

Aw, yeah.

Love make a man do crazy things.

Some sketches on
The State were shot

in front of a live
studio audience.

Need to talk to a potted plant?

Hello? What are
you wearing, I guess?