The Sopranos (1999–2007): Season 5, Episode 4 - All Happy Families - full transcript
Feech makes a pain of himself by trying to return to his past glory. Carmela tries to work with Anthony's teacher to rein in the out-of-control son.
Ah, that's so funny!
Ha ha.
No, it isn't! You just
poked me in the eye!
Well, you poked me first.
I can't find the thing.
Here.
I don't know what the fuck
happened to the DeWalt.
Everything disappears
around here.
Especially now that I'm outta the house.
She lets everything go.
Stop, stop, Uncle Tony!
It's freezing cold!
Uncle Tony, knock it off!
She wants to talk
to me about somethin'.
Thanks for havin' us
up here, Ton'.
Don't put pine cones in the filter!
The hell's the matter with you?
- Yo, Dad, he's hitting me!
- Hey, what did I say?
They will probably go
through their entire lives
not knowing that
their father's sperm
was smuggled out of jail
to get Nancy pregnant.
It was the least I could do.
I just remembered what
happened to the power drill.
Pardon me?
I loaned it to your cousin Brian.
And he never gave it...
- What's the matter?
- I don't know.
One of your attacks?
No, it...
I think it's just indigestion.
It's goin' away.
- I had an attack... full blown.
- What did your therapist say?
- I don't see her no more.
- Why not?
You think you're the only
one that has to cut back
on shit they need
'cause of the separation?
Now, what's on your mind?
Mr. Wegler wants us
to come in and discuss
AJ's lousy academic performance.
Is this the same Wegler?
Last year... the riccion
with the Billy Budds?
AJ got him as a college advisor.
I told this kid to start
crackin' the books.
Was he supposed
to do that after he got back
from the Nets game
you took him to on a school night?
It's gotta be hard for him,
this situation with us.
- Why don't you cut him some slack?
- That's your department.
I get to be the prison warden
over here while you indulge him
- with the iPod, the drums...
- Again with the drums!
Encourage extracurricular
activity, you said.
Brand new drums, just like that?
Don't even look in the classifieds.
Just tell me when
the school meetin' is
'cause I don't have to listen
to this shit anymore.
That's why we're separated!
Are you kidding me, Tony?
That is not why!
Jase?
Were you knocking?
Hi, Lorraine.
I'm Billy.
What the fuck? Jason!
Ow, no!
Jason!
Jason!
Oh, no!
You were warned, Lorraine.
The money goes up to John.
Fuck!
Lorraine Calluzzo
and the kid Jason.
Fuckin' Philly Leotardo!
She told me he warned her
about givin' us points of her take.
Phil's a pimple.
It's goddamn Johnny Sack.
It's his message to the other captains,
that fuckin' animal.
- Take it easy.
- Fuck that.
Rusty!
The car's here.
I'm telling you, Carmine,
we go all out, we'll steamroll
right over John.
And I predict the guys on the street
in Brooklyn and Queens,
they'll welcome us as fuckin' heroes.
It'll be easy.
It's a fuckin' declaration of war
by Johnny, if ya ask me.
- Hey!
- Ho.
There he is.
Let me kiss the ring.
How about the one
in the center of my ass?
- Hey.
- Feech, good to see ya, baby.
Good to see you.
Hello there, kid.
- Hey, how are ya, boys?
- How are ya, Feech?
Just, uh... talkin' about that mess
over in New York.
Sounds to me
like your friend John
wants to force
Little Carmine's hand.
In my day, the top spot
would've gone to Little Carmine,
unless he was actually retarded
or crippled or something. He's the son.
Come on, when was that?
Yeah?
- Vodka rocks.
- Thank you, dear.
Anybody else?
If we need anything else,
one of the kids'll come out.
Ton', you didn't have any lunch.
You want a sandwich?
No, I'm all right.
Thanks.
Adriana, hold on a second.
Tommy Pinto's goomah,
when I was comin' up she had
the long legs, up to here, like that.
Famous beauty, smart as a whip.
My compliments.
Thank you, baby.
You drove Tommy Pinto?
I was at the Clam Broth House
the night
he beat that longshoreman
to death over a corner table.
- No shit.
- Here we go... Memory Lane.
It's important these young guys
know the history.
Tell 'em about the time Tony and Jackie
Aprile knocked over your card game.
Oh, that he doesn't
like to talk about.
I heard this.
This is a great fuckin' story.
He should be dead by now.
They bust in,
couple of fuckin' punks.
Guns out. Bad guys.
This one is fuckin' scared!
First of all, it was my game.
Feech has forgiven,
even if he hasn't forgotten.
But it's a great yarn,
right, Feech?
Yeah.
Actually, it brings me
to my business.
Fellas, you wanna
give us a minute here?
Yeah.
So, what's up?
I came to ask for my game back.
It's my uncle's game now, Feech.
Yeah right, your uncle's.
You'll still keep
a lion's share of the rake.
I'm in a way just askin'
if I can run it for ya.
- Why would I need that?
- 11 years I ran it...
no fights, no raids. Not to mention
that maybe I got it comin',
considering how it could've gone for you
after you took the game down
if I had been a prick about it.
Or if his old man didn't
have so many friends.
I'll give you 20%, but you gotta rent
the house from me.
I could throw some
high rollers your way...
friends of mine.
All right.
Let me get outta here before I keep
talkin' and fuck this up. Jesus.
Thank you, Don Antonio.
He's a strunz.
He's a busybody, that's all.
He's an egomaniac, Ton',
always was, always will be.
Nothing's ever good enough...
praise, money.
Comes into this fuckin' office,
starts orderin' people around.
He's old.
How do ya think that feels?
Can I go to the Mudvayne
concert or not?
I've been trying to think of a reason
to let you stay overnight in New York,
but I'm afraid
it's not gonna happen.
Todd's mother already
made arrangements.
- Said it's better than driving home.
- She's not your mother.
Yeah, I know.
Believe me.
Isn't life unfair?
So we're at
the Peppermint Lounge,
when in walks these two
stewardesses from Braniff.
Everybody's in?
Aces high. Your action, Mr. Taylor.
- 200.
- Hesh?
They're sittin' at the bar.
We send 'em a bottle of Dom.
Next thing ya know, we're in the hotel
room... me, Frankie and the two broads.
- I see ya, raise ya three.
- You mother...
But this one, this little pothead
from Texas, she fucked me dry.
But she still wanted more!
She's fuckin' nuts.
I'm wearin'
these pointy featherweights
and I stick the toe in
and I'm fuckin' her with it.
I don't know where
this story's heading
but we should all be grateful
he wasn't wearing white bucks.
The maid walks in.
She says, "What's goin' on?"
And I say...
Ante up, boys.
Hello, girls!
- Ho!
- Hey!
Hi, Ton'.
- Sir Lawrence from the Meadowlands.
- Your Highness, how are you?
Tony, let me introduce
Bernie Brillstein.
Did you get my list of toys?
- What's up?
- Hey, Ton'.
Oh, my cousin!
Kinda high stakes for you, no?
Feech fronted my action.
And thank you for not humiliating me.
Isn't there somethin' in your parole
about hangin' out
with degenerates like this?
- Oh!
- Come on, he gets away with anything.
Last time his parole officer
made the unannounced visit,
he gave him a massage.
So how's Lady Luck
treatin' you, huh?
Jesus-fuckin'- Christ.
How many times this guy gotta say hello?
What, did I interrupt one
of your impermeable stories?
Go ahead.
So...
we had these girls
in the hotel room.
Long story short,
I got my shoe in her snatch...
and it falls off and she keels over.
Che puzz'.
Fuck it.
This hand's from thalidomide.
Three ladies, gentlemen.
- Ah!
- Stake it.
- Take it.
- The rich get richer.
So Doc, how's the, uh,
plans for the wedding?
Please. It's not a wedding
planner anymore.
It's an "environment
and event coordinator."
What the hell.
She's my only daughter.
She and Iris have their hearts set
on makin' the Vows column
of the Sunday "New York Times"...
featured couple of the week.
Our publicist
is lookin' for a hook.
Turns out that Gillian's law degree
from Harvard means bupkis.
Everybody's got that or better.
If it was a black couple
or a gay couple they'd be in.
My wife calls "The Times" wedding
section the ladies' sports page.
So Ira, who's the lucky guy?
Jeremy Silverman, puppeteer,
Children's Television Workshop.
Father's Asa Silverman, head
of commercial paper at Goldman Sachs.
- Upper Eastside.
- I didn't get my invitation.
Fuck you.
You told me to be sure
to let you know
when it was a quarter of.
- Thank you, Mary.
- Okay.
So with Wesleyan
as your fallback,
I think we're in
pretty good shape.
Straight "A" s at Middlebury's Language
Camp, can't sneeze at that.
Your blues folkloric studies
in Mississippi last summer
have an almost community-service
spin to them.
I wish he had the minority
thing going for him.
If we can nudge Lem's verbals
past 760 on the next round,
he can basically
write his own ticket.
I'm stoked.
Appreciate your help.
Folks?
So let me guess... he called
the English teacher "Daddy-o."
Oh.
The thing is...
we are rapidly
approaching crisis mode here
with these grades,
and time is of the essence.
Could I ask a question?
I handed in my final list of colleges.
Did you get that?
Yes, we talked about this.
So, Ramapo and Trenton State.
And our reach schools,
University of Arizona and Arizona State.
I'll take him out there after I drive
him around to the ones in New Jersey.
If either of the Arizona's is what
he's got his heart set on,
he's not gonna get in
with these grades.
I know about football, Anthony.
That's our ace in the hole.
He says he's tryin' his best.
S.A.T. -wise,
505 and 430...
I think we can edge up the math
into the fives in the next round,
providing Anthony
can bear down and focus.
He's had trouble
with that before.
Remember, Carm, when they
thought he had A.D.D.?
- You didn't tell me that.
- Head on back to class. Let us talk.
But if I'm learning-disabled,
I get unlimited time on my S.A.T.s.
- Is that true?
- Let's talk about that later.
So you had time to talk
directly to Dr. Rapke about
last week's testing results.
Yes. She said Anthony
has good interpersonal skills.
She said his affect was...
now, where is this...
"constricted," she called it.
But that was normal
for a teenager and...
all in all he seemed to be
handling the split well.
This is not to say I don't get a ration
of shit in every conversation.
Pardon my French.
Well, still, uh...
there is this thing
with his grades.
Do you think it would be
of benefit to him
to see a psychologist
on a regular basis?
You don't approve
of therapy, Mr. Soprano.
People use it as a crutch.
And I always wonder
what happened to Gary Cooper,
the strong silent type?
Well, Gary Cooper wasn't
a 16-year-old boy.
He was at one time.
And I'm gonna have to agree
with my husband here, Mr. Wegler.
We sent our daughter to a...
an adolescent developmentalist
and it was a disaster.
I know my son, he's lazy. We're gonna
get him a different S.A.T. tutor,
I'm gonna stay on him and he's gonna
work harder. And that's that.
- I might be learning-disabled.
- Didn't he tell you to go to class?
What's going on, Mary?
Domenica Paolini
and Sasha Caputo,
they were on their way to school
this morning and they hit a tree.
Nica's dead.
Sasha's in a coma.
What's that?
It was here when I got here.
Okay, if a million zeroes
can be written
on the front and back
of a sheet of paper,
how many sheets of paper do you need
for a googol of zeroes?
Whoa!
Oh man, oh baby, an Xterra SE.
It's loaded.
3.3-liter supercharged.
- What, this is mine?
- Yeah.
- You are unbelievable.
- The sticker's still on it.
He doesn't have
enough distractions?
After what happened
to those kids at his school?
It's got sensors
in the seatbelts.
It's part of Nissan's
triple safety philosophy.
- Nice ride.
- Are you leaving?
Hour's up.
You're not getting in?
This is so deck.
What is this, Bose?
Yeah, six CD changer.
It's got Surround Sound.
I feel safer already.
Carmela, this car is a tank.
What's the matter?
SUVs eat up more of the ozone.
So you wanna be the sucker
in a regular car that gets decapitated?
- I'm gonna catch shit at school.
- So what do you wanna do?
Screw it.
Can we take it out?
Yeah, we can take it out.
Once.
Then this baby sits in the garage
till you pull your grades up to a "C."
- What?
- You heard your father.
I was talking to him, not you.
I gotta put dinner on.
Tony, I have bills for you.
You better be nice
to your mother.
She's got the keys
till your grades are up.
I'll be right back.
The car was a motivational tool.
The carrot and the stick,
you gotta do both!
I could strangle him sometimes.
He can be so hateful.
Well, the smart mouth
is not good.
That's minor, believe me.
God, what happened to him?
He was always the sweet one.
He had the concept of sharing before
any of the other toddlers.
Meadow was always sharper, but I
remember the same thing with her.
It's like watching
an angel fall.
What, are you crying?
Here's the tutor in writing
like you had to have.
I had to call RotoRooter.
This is a cheap sound system
for the media room.
- Why should I pay for that?
- Because you took the last one.
Oh, your little movie connoisseur
friends are still meeting?
- At least I have friends.
- What the fuck's that mean?
You just have
a bunch of flunkies.
What do you know about it?
They compliment you
on your new shoes.
They tell you that
you're not going bald.
You think they really care?
You're the boss,
they're scared of you.
They have to kiss your ass,
laugh at your stupid jokes.
What about Artie then?
You're turning into a frigging cynic.
- Whatever.
- What do I give a shit?
I'm running a fucking business
not a popularity contest.
"I've been thinking,
and I apologize for my use
of fowl language"...
fowl with a "W"...
"in regards to yourself.
You said some very
hurtful things to me
in regards to myself.
But it is still no excuse to use
the vile word that I used,
of which I am sure you know...
that I'm talking about."
- "Cunt," right?
- Yes, Elliot.
"You don't wish us
to be social friends
and so that is that.
I still have
great rigard for you,
even though you said
some horrible things.
P.S. I'm doing fine,
Anthony."
It came with a bathrobe
and a basketful of
Dr. Hauschka bath products.
Ablution.
The desire to cleanse
himself of the deed.
Notice he still
fundamentally blames me.
- Hello?
- Mrs. Soprano? Robert Wegler.
Oh, hi, hello, how are you?
Uh... after our meeting
the other day,
I had some ideas about
some further strategies for Anthony.
I thought maybe we could meet,
have lunch, cup of coffee.
I could share them with you.
- Next week perhaps?
- Really?
Uh... well yeah, I guess
that would be okay.
"Happy Birthday" by the Beatles.
You know, I heard it
the other day in the car.
They have such a good drum solo
in the middle there.
"Drum solo"?
That's the basic four-four.
You know Ringo was not their original
drummer. That was Pete Best.
And they fired him.
He put out his own album...
"Best of the Beatles."
Sad.
So, is this what they call
common ground?
Just trying to have
a civilized conversation.
Can I go to my room?
I'm full.
Am I so horrible?
You are not horrible.
Get over yourself.
"Over myself"?
What is that supposed to mean?
Just go, do me a big favor.
If you're gonna be a martyr,
obviously I'll sit here.
No, go.
Put your plate in the sink.
200.
Two to go.
- See, and raise four.
- Call.
Tony, you liking the Escalade?
I can't keep them on the lot.
I love it...
after I pulled out that
global positioning shit.
Oh, right.
Always got his eye
on the big picture.
Up to you.
I think you got that ace
and I'm not paying you for it.
- Aces over.
- Three threes, my man.
Paulie wins.
Cards, please.
You, fuck you.
They used to be a great
tax loophole, those SUVs.
Told all my clients,
write it off on your business.
Accountant dies, goes to heaven
same time as the Pope.
St. Peter says
"Come on in!"
Then he shows the Pope
to this shithouse.
That's where he's gonna live,
and he gives him a crust of bread.
Then he shows the C.P.A.
where he's gonna live.
It's a fuckin' mansion...
servants, broads.
Pope says "He gets a mansion
and I get a hovel?"
St. Peter says
"Your Holiness,
we got hundreds
of popes up here.
This is the first
Jewish accountant!"
I used to be able
to write off condoms.
What do you get when you cross
an accountant with a giant jet airplane?
A Boring 747.
All right, all right, bet two.
Algebra, huh?
Listen,
I have been doing some thinking.
I've decided to let you
stay in the city after the concert.
How come?
On one condition, though...
no Hudson Suites.
I talked to Mead, she said that you
can sleep over at her apartment.
I will give you cab fare. When the
concert's over, go straight up there.
Sunday morning,
I want you home 10:30 sharp.
Thanks.
Don't stay up too late.
Come on! Go, go, go!
Hurry!
So, you guys like your job?
Beemer, space 43.
Asa, come on!
Can I have your attention?
Apparently there's
been an armed robbery.
Some automobiles were taken.
They left all the American cars!
- Oh my God.
- I think his skull is broken.
- Oh my God!
- I'm a doctor, let me in there.
Brooke, our car is gone.
Now who's a genius
for keeping his Regal?
Asa, they got the SL.
That was a fucking
SL55 convertible.
You know how long my brother
was on the waiting list for that thing?
A motherfucking year.
You want to go back to that?
Yes, I wanna go back to that!
- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.
- How was Mudvayne?
- They rocked.
Look, I... I don't think I'll be able
to make it up there.
What are you talking about?
You know mom's gonna call here.
I'm a total dick if I leave here.
Just tell mom I'm on my way up.
She's just gonna call back.
Come on, when do I ever
ask you for anything?
All right,
you better stay there.
Be home on time tomorrow.
I don't want any shit from mom.
Frida, why do you and Diego
have separate houses?
Because we are
two different people,
but our love makes us into one.
- Hello?
- Mead, hi.
Is your brother there?
He's not answering his cell.
- I know, he's asleep.
- What?
I probably shouldn't be telling you
this, but he was pretty zapped.
I knew it.
Is he all right?
Mom, he's fine.
Just wait until you
have children.
Not me, I'm never having kids.
So, how are things going?
We're in the middle
of a movie, Mom.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Good night.
Good night.
Come on, light the fucker up.
- Give me the lighter.
- It's on the table.
All right, go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go!
Go! Hold it!
Hold it!
Open up, it's me.
Come on, open the fucking door!
Where's the patient?
I got a new easel, new oils,
I'm ready to go.
Salut.
Oh, the wedding? Wh... what, do you
got everybody outside?
- Ushers and everybody? Bring 'em in...
- It's a fucking disaster.
- What?
- Somebody hit us.
They stole all the fucking cars.
I had to sedate my own
little girl at her wedding.
Jesus.
Yeah, they had one of those... what do
you call it, those car carrier things?
And it was a very well
coordinated operation.
The cops are on it, but how much faith
have I got in that?
You gotta help me
before they're chopped!
I'm not really
in that business, Ira.
Asa's brother's Benz was taken.
This special thing.
I'm fucking gernischt in Asa's eyes now.
Can't you do anything?
- I mean, make some calls?
- All that shit's insured.
He's obsessed with that car,
this fucking Stew guy.
The asshole paid a $30,000
premium just to place the fucking order.
His glasses,
his daybook were in it.
AJ, it's your mother.
Call me.
It's my mother.
I told you I can't put you through.
Room 417 has a block on the line.
I am not waiting.
Who knows what's going on?
God help you if anything happens
like those children in Westchester.
Don't!
No, don't answer it.
My face is stuck to the rug.
Oh, they fuckin'
crazy-glued you.
Housekeeping!
Oh, fuck, what should we do?
We're asleep!
All right, help me.
Ow, ow!
- Ow! Dude, take it easy.
- I'm trying.
Ahh ow, fuck.
Oh, dude!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck me.
Hello.
Hi, yeah, it's me.
AJ stayed in the city with his friends
last night and he's not home yet.
- And I can't get in touch with him.
- Take it easy. Slow down.
He's probably just
sleeping it off.
No, I called Todd's mother
and Todd came home.
He could be dead by now,
O.D.'d, God knows what else.
- God, why did I let him go?
- He's all right.
I'll take care of it.
Give me the number of the hotel.
It's the Hudson Suites
on the Westside.
Tony, just go there. I am... I'm so
worried I'm not even angry anymore.
All right, all right,
I'm on my way.
Anthony?
God damn you! I have been going
crazy trying to reach you.
- Later. I don't feel good.
- What happened to your face?
- Just leave me alone.
- I want to know what happened!
You never went to Meadow's
after you gave me your word!
- Get off my back.
- You are a liar!
- Fuck you.
- What did you say?!
Get back here!
Ow!
Puritan Salvage.
The big guy's looking for a consignment
from a wedding in Ringwood last night.
Nothing came in here.
This Benz, SL55,
he wants it pulled.
I'll make some calls.
- Where is he?
- In his room.
What happened to your leg?
He lied to me, Tony,
which means that they both lied.
She's covering for him.
It's what sisters are supposed to do.
Of course, right.
- He cursed at me. Oh my God.
- What did he say?
- He's asleep.
- Not anymore.
Oh, hey, Dad.
I was just taking out the trash.
It's garbage day tomorrow.
- What's different about you?
- He has no eyebrows, Tony!
- Who did this?
- We were just screwing around.
- What'd you say to your mother?
- Tony...
What did you say?
I said the "F" word.
You're finished.
You're never gonna drive that car
till you're 45 years old.
I'm selling it tomorrow!
She wouldn't let me talk,
I was trying to tell her what happened.
- Oh see, it's my fault.
- All right, let's hear it.
Well, I was gonna go to Meadow's
but there weren't any cabs.
I didn't think you'd want me standing
in the street at 11:30 at night.
- We were right by the hotel.
- Enough of your lying.
- I am not lying!
- Look at your face!
If you've got some kind
of sexual proclivity
with that teacher or whatever,
now is the time to tell us!
What went on up there?
Poppers and weird sex?
What? No!
Look, we don't do drugs,
we're not some stupid dopers.
I had a few beers,
but it just made me sick.
- How can anybody believe what you say?
- Because I told you!
You never believe me.
- You had a couple beers?
- Yeah.
- You didn't do any drugs.
- No!
Carmela, look it...
a couple of beers.
Should be grounded, yeah,
but it's not the end of the world.
What?
You know what?
I am sick of your bullshit.
Both of you!
- He can go live with you.
- Don't get dramatic now, all right?
- What? Great, good.
- Shut up!
I have never been
more serious in my life.
Take out the trash, go outside.
What are we gonna do, really?
What did I just say?
- No, I mean really, come on.
- Did you think I was joking?
Carmela, this is
normal teenage shit.
You remember us?
The C.Y.O. Dance.
We left Artie out in the snow,
he almost lost his fingers.
And we still laugh
our asses off about it.
No, I don't really blame AJ He's doing
exactly what he's supposed to.
He's testing the limits as much
as he can. I blame myself.
What are you talking about?
You don't know what it's like to have
your son hate your guts.
- He doesn't hate your guts.
- Oh, thank God he's alive.
It's my fault, Tony.
My pathetic need to compete with you
clouded my judgment
or I never would have let him stay
in New York. I knew he wasn't ready.
I went against
all of my instincts.
His eyebrows'll grow back!
Nothing really happened!
No, you know what happened?
I said fuck it. And you know why?
To get him to love me
as much as he loves you.
He loves you, it's just...
you're his mother,
it's different.
I can't be the villain anymore.
I mean it.
And I can't say fuck it.
Take him. Let him
live with you.
Homina-homina-
homina-homina.
- Ed Norton?
- Ed Norton?
No, I'm terribly
sorry, Mr. Kramden.
No, the correct answer
is Stephen Foster. But thanks so much.
You've been a wonderful contestant
and a swell sport.
Goodbye,
Mr. Kramden.
He's here.
Hey, tarall's,
expiration date 2007.
Put 'em over there.
Have a seat.
Uh-oh.
Sounds serious.
You have anything to do with
that wedding takedown in Ringwood?
Why, is that a problem?
I told you that doctor
was a friend of mine.
I deliberately used that word.
Are you aware of how many things
a fucking M.D. can do for us?
Sorry, Godfather, he was at the game.
I thought he was just another pigeon.
Who authorized you to do it?
And don't call me Godfather
with that fucking cute smirk.
I know I was away
for a long time,
but when did that happen, you gotta ask
permission to ply your trade?
Here's your end, be happy.
When were you gonna tell me
about it if I hadn't called you here?
I'm here now!
I'm telling you about it now!
That's the second time
I'm playing catch-up with you.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- The lawn cutting.
Do I have to send you a memo
every time I move my bowels too?
You're so concerned
about my end,
why didn't you put one of those cars
through my shops?
What?
Johnny Sack told me
about this guy in Newburgh.
- Johnny Sack?
- Yeah, Johnny Sack.
Anyway, he gave me a better deal
for shipping them whole.
Are you fucking serious?
I don't like the way
I'm being talked to here.
What did I tell you when you came to me,
said you wanted back in?
I said as long as you don't
step on anybody's toes.
- In my day...
- That's another thing.
I don't wanna hear no more
about how it was in your day.
You just keep your anecdotes
to local color,
like Dynaflows, or McGuire Sisters,
shit like that.
Otherwise, shut the fuck up!
Jesus Christ, Feech,
I'm tryin' to ease your transition here
and this is the thanks I get?
I'm sorry if I offended you.
You gotta remember, Tony,
I still think of you as a kid.
I'll learn.
Yeah?
Yeah.
That's funny.
Come here.
Aw, shit.
We all right?
Just...
get the SL55 back, okay?
Maybe I was
too hard on that guy.
Did I learn nothing
from Richie Aprile?
Huh?
- Nip it in the bud.
- Feech?
- He's well liked, T.
- That's another thing.
All right, well, don't be so hard
on yourself though.
- Hey, Olsen and Johnson.
- How you doing?
Stopped by the bakery,
they said you left already.
That's the Canali suit
I promised you.
He said you should try on the jacket,
see how the sleeves are.
How's that?
How's that?
I look better than Sinatra.
- Very nice.
- All right.
Hey, I'm having my wine and peaches.
You want?
No thanks, we gotta get going.
- I'll try some peaches.
- Good.
Peaches are from fucking New Zealand.
They're great. I'll get you a glass.
No, we should go,
we should go...
- take care of that thing.
- It can't wait?
Where the fuck you going?
Come on, sit down.
No, we gotta do this shit. You don't
wanna know, it's all fucked up.
What?
My imbecile cousin, he was welding
his boat trailer, burns down his garage.
Now we got no place
to park the truck that we got.
What's wrong with the street?
Georgia peaches,
those are considered the best.
See, he don't want me
to know what's in the truck.
Flat screen TVs.
50-inch plasma Philipses.
Guy's coming down from Montreal,
but he got delayed a couple of days.
I got a garage right here.
My cousin's mother's got a place,
we can lock it up there.
Park the load here, this way I'm around.
Keep my glims on the stuff.
- How much you gonna want for that?
- Two.
Fuck you, Feech.
It's fucking parking.
You gotta kick in a TV.
I thought I had a plan
for Anthony, but I...
I'm not so sure now.
I don't know if Rutgers'
summer program
accepts boys without eyebrows.
So you heard about that?
I was a wreck.
I mean look what happened
to those girls just driving to school.
We brought in grief counselors.
How's Anthony coping with that?
I have to say
he never mentioned it.
They all handle
tragedy differently.
Actually, he just moved
in with his father.
- I don't know if he said.
- Really?
I don't know what you might
have heard about my husband.
Some.
I mean, he's a good father,
don't get me wrong.
Our daughter is at Columbia.
My friends tell me I'm a snob
with this college business,
but with Anthony
it's something else.
I just know that if he didn't get into
a good enough school to interest him,
and he dropped out,
went to work as a waiter or something,
he wouldn't last a week.
You know, he would be drawn
right in... you know.
My husband doesn't
want that for him either.
You met him.
My husband can be very magnetic,
you know, bigger than life.
And I was so young.
It was very exciting.
Anyway, he's over there.
Maybe it'll be good, you know,
learning the things
that men need to know.
Well...
Anyway, so what about you?
How long have you been at the school?
Since '86.
I suppose that's what caught
me up too, with Astrid.
Some notion of escaping
the quotidian.
- So you were married.
- For about, uh... five minutes.
Chicken Marsala.
- And the honey balsamic chicken.
- Thank you.
- Have you read "Madame Bovary"?
- No.
It's almost a perfect novel.
Flaubert writes about bourgeois
loneliness and emptiness.
Emma Bovary destroys herself
for some fantasy in her head.
It's great.
It's truly, truly great.
Somehow horrifically funny,
though tragic.
I think you might enjoy it.
I'll stop by Borders
on my way home.
- Who is it by again?
- Gustave Flaubert.
Yeah?
Supervisor Curran, parole board.
Site visit.
Where's Eddie Stimich?
He's out sick.
I just wanna take a look around.
Only thing better about here
than Russia is the food.
Good one.
Eddie examined every fucking
dust bunny in the place just last week.
Is that new?
Uh...
bequest.
Friend of mine, passed away.
Is that your garage?
Nah, it's where I make the weapons
of mass destruction.
Let's go out and open it up.
You wanna see my fucking garage?
You never seen
an oil stain before?
Let's go.
Here's the windup.
And the pitch...
- Ah!
- Come on!
Fuck Major League Baseball.
Ever since the fucking strike.
Let's watch ballet.
Oh, somebody hotboxed us?
- I saw you close the window.
- What's that?
It's when you close
the windows and fart on purpose.
That's a Dutch oven.
- No, in bed it's a Dutch oven.
- What's a Dutch oven?
You fart in bed with a woman then force
her head under the covers.
That's awesome.
- First you gotta be in bed with one.
- You'd be surprised.
- Whoa.
- Ooh.
Yeah, I would.
Oh my God!
What...
Jesus!
That's enough.
Go upstairs, do your Spanish homework.
- In 15 minutes.
- No, now.
And he goes down looking.
The end of the inning.
Just got the call.
They put him on
a corrections bus this morning.
This was the better move
than taking him out.
- The man was a legend.
- Christopher agrees, by the way.
Well, that's nice
that he agrees.
But I'm not running
a fucking popularity contest.
Mommy!
Look at me!
Anthony!
Ha ha.
No, it isn't! You just
poked me in the eye!
Well, you poked me first.
I can't find the thing.
Here.
I don't know what the fuck
happened to the DeWalt.
Everything disappears
around here.
Especially now that I'm outta the house.
She lets everything go.
Stop, stop, Uncle Tony!
It's freezing cold!
Uncle Tony, knock it off!
She wants to talk
to me about somethin'.
Thanks for havin' us
up here, Ton'.
Don't put pine cones in the filter!
The hell's the matter with you?
- Yo, Dad, he's hitting me!
- Hey, what did I say?
They will probably go
through their entire lives
not knowing that
their father's sperm
was smuggled out of jail
to get Nancy pregnant.
It was the least I could do.
I just remembered what
happened to the power drill.
Pardon me?
I loaned it to your cousin Brian.
And he never gave it...
- What's the matter?
- I don't know.
One of your attacks?
No, it...
I think it's just indigestion.
It's goin' away.
- I had an attack... full blown.
- What did your therapist say?
- I don't see her no more.
- Why not?
You think you're the only
one that has to cut back
on shit they need
'cause of the separation?
Now, what's on your mind?
Mr. Wegler wants us
to come in and discuss
AJ's lousy academic performance.
Is this the same Wegler?
Last year... the riccion
with the Billy Budds?
AJ got him as a college advisor.
I told this kid to start
crackin' the books.
Was he supposed
to do that after he got back
from the Nets game
you took him to on a school night?
It's gotta be hard for him,
this situation with us.
- Why don't you cut him some slack?
- That's your department.
I get to be the prison warden
over here while you indulge him
- with the iPod, the drums...
- Again with the drums!
Encourage extracurricular
activity, you said.
Brand new drums, just like that?
Don't even look in the classifieds.
Just tell me when
the school meetin' is
'cause I don't have to listen
to this shit anymore.
That's why we're separated!
Are you kidding me, Tony?
That is not why!
Jase?
Were you knocking?
Hi, Lorraine.
I'm Billy.
What the fuck? Jason!
Ow, no!
Jason!
Jason!
Oh, no!
You were warned, Lorraine.
The money goes up to John.
Fuck!
Lorraine Calluzzo
and the kid Jason.
Fuckin' Philly Leotardo!
She told me he warned her
about givin' us points of her take.
Phil's a pimple.
It's goddamn Johnny Sack.
It's his message to the other captains,
that fuckin' animal.
- Take it easy.
- Fuck that.
Rusty!
The car's here.
I'm telling you, Carmine,
we go all out, we'll steamroll
right over John.
And I predict the guys on the street
in Brooklyn and Queens,
they'll welcome us as fuckin' heroes.
It'll be easy.
It's a fuckin' declaration of war
by Johnny, if ya ask me.
- Hey!
- Ho.
There he is.
Let me kiss the ring.
How about the one
in the center of my ass?
- Hey.
- Feech, good to see ya, baby.
Good to see you.
Hello there, kid.
- Hey, how are ya, boys?
- How are ya, Feech?
Just, uh... talkin' about that mess
over in New York.
Sounds to me
like your friend John
wants to force
Little Carmine's hand.
In my day, the top spot
would've gone to Little Carmine,
unless he was actually retarded
or crippled or something. He's the son.
Come on, when was that?
Yeah?
- Vodka rocks.
- Thank you, dear.
Anybody else?
If we need anything else,
one of the kids'll come out.
Ton', you didn't have any lunch.
You want a sandwich?
No, I'm all right.
Thanks.
Adriana, hold on a second.
Tommy Pinto's goomah,
when I was comin' up she had
the long legs, up to here, like that.
Famous beauty, smart as a whip.
My compliments.
Thank you, baby.
You drove Tommy Pinto?
I was at the Clam Broth House
the night
he beat that longshoreman
to death over a corner table.
- No shit.
- Here we go... Memory Lane.
It's important these young guys
know the history.
Tell 'em about the time Tony and Jackie
Aprile knocked over your card game.
Oh, that he doesn't
like to talk about.
I heard this.
This is a great fuckin' story.
He should be dead by now.
They bust in,
couple of fuckin' punks.
Guns out. Bad guys.
This one is fuckin' scared!
First of all, it was my game.
Feech has forgiven,
even if he hasn't forgotten.
But it's a great yarn,
right, Feech?
Yeah.
Actually, it brings me
to my business.
Fellas, you wanna
give us a minute here?
Yeah.
So, what's up?
I came to ask for my game back.
It's my uncle's game now, Feech.
Yeah right, your uncle's.
You'll still keep
a lion's share of the rake.
I'm in a way just askin'
if I can run it for ya.
- Why would I need that?
- 11 years I ran it...
no fights, no raids. Not to mention
that maybe I got it comin',
considering how it could've gone for you
after you took the game down
if I had been a prick about it.
Or if his old man didn't
have so many friends.
I'll give you 20%, but you gotta rent
the house from me.
I could throw some
high rollers your way...
friends of mine.
All right.
Let me get outta here before I keep
talkin' and fuck this up. Jesus.
Thank you, Don Antonio.
He's a strunz.
He's a busybody, that's all.
He's an egomaniac, Ton',
always was, always will be.
Nothing's ever good enough...
praise, money.
Comes into this fuckin' office,
starts orderin' people around.
He's old.
How do ya think that feels?
Can I go to the Mudvayne
concert or not?
I've been trying to think of a reason
to let you stay overnight in New York,
but I'm afraid
it's not gonna happen.
Todd's mother already
made arrangements.
- Said it's better than driving home.
- She's not your mother.
Yeah, I know.
Believe me.
Isn't life unfair?
So we're at
the Peppermint Lounge,
when in walks these two
stewardesses from Braniff.
Everybody's in?
Aces high. Your action, Mr. Taylor.
- 200.
- Hesh?
They're sittin' at the bar.
We send 'em a bottle of Dom.
Next thing ya know, we're in the hotel
room... me, Frankie and the two broads.
- I see ya, raise ya three.
- You mother...
But this one, this little pothead
from Texas, she fucked me dry.
But she still wanted more!
She's fuckin' nuts.
I'm wearin'
these pointy featherweights
and I stick the toe in
and I'm fuckin' her with it.
I don't know where
this story's heading
but we should all be grateful
he wasn't wearing white bucks.
The maid walks in.
She says, "What's goin' on?"
And I say...
Ante up, boys.
Hello, girls!
- Ho!
- Hey!
Hi, Ton'.
- Sir Lawrence from the Meadowlands.
- Your Highness, how are you?
Tony, let me introduce
Bernie Brillstein.
Did you get my list of toys?
- What's up?
- Hey, Ton'.
Oh, my cousin!
Kinda high stakes for you, no?
Feech fronted my action.
And thank you for not humiliating me.
Isn't there somethin' in your parole
about hangin' out
with degenerates like this?
- Oh!
- Come on, he gets away with anything.
Last time his parole officer
made the unannounced visit,
he gave him a massage.
So how's Lady Luck
treatin' you, huh?
Jesus-fuckin'- Christ.
How many times this guy gotta say hello?
What, did I interrupt one
of your impermeable stories?
Go ahead.
So...
we had these girls
in the hotel room.
Long story short,
I got my shoe in her snatch...
and it falls off and she keels over.
Che puzz'.
Fuck it.
This hand's from thalidomide.
Three ladies, gentlemen.
- Ah!
- Stake it.
- Take it.
- The rich get richer.
So Doc, how's the, uh,
plans for the wedding?
Please. It's not a wedding
planner anymore.
It's an "environment
and event coordinator."
What the hell.
She's my only daughter.
She and Iris have their hearts set
on makin' the Vows column
of the Sunday "New York Times"...
featured couple of the week.
Our publicist
is lookin' for a hook.
Turns out that Gillian's law degree
from Harvard means bupkis.
Everybody's got that or better.
If it was a black couple
or a gay couple they'd be in.
My wife calls "The Times" wedding
section the ladies' sports page.
So Ira, who's the lucky guy?
Jeremy Silverman, puppeteer,
Children's Television Workshop.
Father's Asa Silverman, head
of commercial paper at Goldman Sachs.
- Upper Eastside.
- I didn't get my invitation.
Fuck you.
You told me to be sure
to let you know
when it was a quarter of.
- Thank you, Mary.
- Okay.
So with Wesleyan
as your fallback,
I think we're in
pretty good shape.
Straight "A" s at Middlebury's Language
Camp, can't sneeze at that.
Your blues folkloric studies
in Mississippi last summer
have an almost community-service
spin to them.
I wish he had the minority
thing going for him.
If we can nudge Lem's verbals
past 760 on the next round,
he can basically
write his own ticket.
I'm stoked.
Appreciate your help.
Folks?
So let me guess... he called
the English teacher "Daddy-o."
Oh.
The thing is...
we are rapidly
approaching crisis mode here
with these grades,
and time is of the essence.
Could I ask a question?
I handed in my final list of colleges.
Did you get that?
Yes, we talked about this.
So, Ramapo and Trenton State.
And our reach schools,
University of Arizona and Arizona State.
I'll take him out there after I drive
him around to the ones in New Jersey.
If either of the Arizona's is what
he's got his heart set on,
he's not gonna get in
with these grades.
I know about football, Anthony.
That's our ace in the hole.
He says he's tryin' his best.
S.A.T. -wise,
505 and 430...
I think we can edge up the math
into the fives in the next round,
providing Anthony
can bear down and focus.
He's had trouble
with that before.
Remember, Carm, when they
thought he had A.D.D.?
- You didn't tell me that.
- Head on back to class. Let us talk.
But if I'm learning-disabled,
I get unlimited time on my S.A.T.s.
- Is that true?
- Let's talk about that later.
So you had time to talk
directly to Dr. Rapke about
last week's testing results.
Yes. She said Anthony
has good interpersonal skills.
She said his affect was...
now, where is this...
"constricted," she called it.
But that was normal
for a teenager and...
all in all he seemed to be
handling the split well.
This is not to say I don't get a ration
of shit in every conversation.
Pardon my French.
Well, still, uh...
there is this thing
with his grades.
Do you think it would be
of benefit to him
to see a psychologist
on a regular basis?
You don't approve
of therapy, Mr. Soprano.
People use it as a crutch.
And I always wonder
what happened to Gary Cooper,
the strong silent type?
Well, Gary Cooper wasn't
a 16-year-old boy.
He was at one time.
And I'm gonna have to agree
with my husband here, Mr. Wegler.
We sent our daughter to a...
an adolescent developmentalist
and it was a disaster.
I know my son, he's lazy. We're gonna
get him a different S.A.T. tutor,
I'm gonna stay on him and he's gonna
work harder. And that's that.
- I might be learning-disabled.
- Didn't he tell you to go to class?
What's going on, Mary?
Domenica Paolini
and Sasha Caputo,
they were on their way to school
this morning and they hit a tree.
Nica's dead.
Sasha's in a coma.
What's that?
It was here when I got here.
Okay, if a million zeroes
can be written
on the front and back
of a sheet of paper,
how many sheets of paper do you need
for a googol of zeroes?
Whoa!
Oh man, oh baby, an Xterra SE.
It's loaded.
3.3-liter supercharged.
- What, this is mine?
- Yeah.
- You are unbelievable.
- The sticker's still on it.
He doesn't have
enough distractions?
After what happened
to those kids at his school?
It's got sensors
in the seatbelts.
It's part of Nissan's
triple safety philosophy.
- Nice ride.
- Are you leaving?
Hour's up.
You're not getting in?
This is so deck.
What is this, Bose?
Yeah, six CD changer.
It's got Surround Sound.
I feel safer already.
Carmela, this car is a tank.
What's the matter?
SUVs eat up more of the ozone.
So you wanna be the sucker
in a regular car that gets decapitated?
- I'm gonna catch shit at school.
- So what do you wanna do?
Screw it.
Can we take it out?
Yeah, we can take it out.
Once.
Then this baby sits in the garage
till you pull your grades up to a "C."
- What?
- You heard your father.
I was talking to him, not you.
I gotta put dinner on.
Tony, I have bills for you.
You better be nice
to your mother.
She's got the keys
till your grades are up.
I'll be right back.
The car was a motivational tool.
The carrot and the stick,
you gotta do both!
I could strangle him sometimes.
He can be so hateful.
Well, the smart mouth
is not good.
That's minor, believe me.
God, what happened to him?
He was always the sweet one.
He had the concept of sharing before
any of the other toddlers.
Meadow was always sharper, but I
remember the same thing with her.
It's like watching
an angel fall.
What, are you crying?
Here's the tutor in writing
like you had to have.
I had to call RotoRooter.
This is a cheap sound system
for the media room.
- Why should I pay for that?
- Because you took the last one.
Oh, your little movie connoisseur
friends are still meeting?
- At least I have friends.
- What the fuck's that mean?
You just have
a bunch of flunkies.
What do you know about it?
They compliment you
on your new shoes.
They tell you that
you're not going bald.
You think they really care?
You're the boss,
they're scared of you.
They have to kiss your ass,
laugh at your stupid jokes.
What about Artie then?
You're turning into a frigging cynic.
- Whatever.
- What do I give a shit?
I'm running a fucking business
not a popularity contest.
"I've been thinking,
and I apologize for my use
of fowl language"...
fowl with a "W"...
"in regards to yourself.
You said some very
hurtful things to me
in regards to myself.
But it is still no excuse to use
the vile word that I used,
of which I am sure you know...
that I'm talking about."
- "Cunt," right?
- Yes, Elliot.
"You don't wish us
to be social friends
and so that is that.
I still have
great rigard for you,
even though you said
some horrible things.
P.S. I'm doing fine,
Anthony."
It came with a bathrobe
and a basketful of
Dr. Hauschka bath products.
Ablution.
The desire to cleanse
himself of the deed.
Notice he still
fundamentally blames me.
- Hello?
- Mrs. Soprano? Robert Wegler.
Oh, hi, hello, how are you?
Uh... after our meeting
the other day,
I had some ideas about
some further strategies for Anthony.
I thought maybe we could meet,
have lunch, cup of coffee.
I could share them with you.
- Next week perhaps?
- Really?
Uh... well yeah, I guess
that would be okay.
"Happy Birthday" by the Beatles.
You know, I heard it
the other day in the car.
They have such a good drum solo
in the middle there.
"Drum solo"?
That's the basic four-four.
You know Ringo was not their original
drummer. That was Pete Best.
And they fired him.
He put out his own album...
"Best of the Beatles."
Sad.
So, is this what they call
common ground?
Just trying to have
a civilized conversation.
Can I go to my room?
I'm full.
Am I so horrible?
You are not horrible.
Get over yourself.
"Over myself"?
What is that supposed to mean?
Just go, do me a big favor.
If you're gonna be a martyr,
obviously I'll sit here.
No, go.
Put your plate in the sink.
200.
Two to go.
- See, and raise four.
- Call.
Tony, you liking the Escalade?
I can't keep them on the lot.
I love it...
after I pulled out that
global positioning shit.
Oh, right.
Always got his eye
on the big picture.
Up to you.
I think you got that ace
and I'm not paying you for it.
- Aces over.
- Three threes, my man.
Paulie wins.
Cards, please.
You, fuck you.
They used to be a great
tax loophole, those SUVs.
Told all my clients,
write it off on your business.
Accountant dies, goes to heaven
same time as the Pope.
St. Peter says
"Come on in!"
Then he shows the Pope
to this shithouse.
That's where he's gonna live,
and he gives him a crust of bread.
Then he shows the C.P.A.
where he's gonna live.
It's a fuckin' mansion...
servants, broads.
Pope says "He gets a mansion
and I get a hovel?"
St. Peter says
"Your Holiness,
we got hundreds
of popes up here.
This is the first
Jewish accountant!"
I used to be able
to write off condoms.
What do you get when you cross
an accountant with a giant jet airplane?
A Boring 747.
All right, all right, bet two.
Algebra, huh?
Listen,
I have been doing some thinking.
I've decided to let you
stay in the city after the concert.
How come?
On one condition, though...
no Hudson Suites.
I talked to Mead, she said that you
can sleep over at her apartment.
I will give you cab fare. When the
concert's over, go straight up there.
Sunday morning,
I want you home 10:30 sharp.
Thanks.
Don't stay up too late.
Come on! Go, go, go!
Hurry!
So, you guys like your job?
Beemer, space 43.
Asa, come on!
Can I have your attention?
Apparently there's
been an armed robbery.
Some automobiles were taken.
They left all the American cars!
- Oh my God.
- I think his skull is broken.
- Oh my God!
- I'm a doctor, let me in there.
Brooke, our car is gone.
Now who's a genius
for keeping his Regal?
Asa, they got the SL.
That was a fucking
SL55 convertible.
You know how long my brother
was on the waiting list for that thing?
A motherfucking year.
You want to go back to that?
Yes, I wanna go back to that!
- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.
- How was Mudvayne?
- They rocked.
Look, I... I don't think I'll be able
to make it up there.
What are you talking about?
You know mom's gonna call here.
I'm a total dick if I leave here.
Just tell mom I'm on my way up.
She's just gonna call back.
Come on, when do I ever
ask you for anything?
All right,
you better stay there.
Be home on time tomorrow.
I don't want any shit from mom.
Frida, why do you and Diego
have separate houses?
Because we are
two different people,
but our love makes us into one.
- Hello?
- Mead, hi.
Is your brother there?
He's not answering his cell.
- I know, he's asleep.
- What?
I probably shouldn't be telling you
this, but he was pretty zapped.
I knew it.
Is he all right?
Mom, he's fine.
Just wait until you
have children.
Not me, I'm never having kids.
So, how are things going?
We're in the middle
of a movie, Mom.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Good night.
Good night.
Come on, light the fucker up.
- Give me the lighter.
- It's on the table.
All right, go, go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go!
Go! Hold it!
Hold it!
Open up, it's me.
Come on, open the fucking door!
Where's the patient?
I got a new easel, new oils,
I'm ready to go.
Salut.
Oh, the wedding? Wh... what, do you
got everybody outside?
- Ushers and everybody? Bring 'em in...
- It's a fucking disaster.
- What?
- Somebody hit us.
They stole all the fucking cars.
I had to sedate my own
little girl at her wedding.
Jesus.
Yeah, they had one of those... what do
you call it, those car carrier things?
And it was a very well
coordinated operation.
The cops are on it, but how much faith
have I got in that?
You gotta help me
before they're chopped!
I'm not really
in that business, Ira.
Asa's brother's Benz was taken.
This special thing.
I'm fucking gernischt in Asa's eyes now.
Can't you do anything?
- I mean, make some calls?
- All that shit's insured.
He's obsessed with that car,
this fucking Stew guy.
The asshole paid a $30,000
premium just to place the fucking order.
His glasses,
his daybook were in it.
AJ, it's your mother.
Call me.
It's my mother.
I told you I can't put you through.
Room 417 has a block on the line.
I am not waiting.
Who knows what's going on?
God help you if anything happens
like those children in Westchester.
Don't!
No, don't answer it.
My face is stuck to the rug.
Oh, they fuckin'
crazy-glued you.
Housekeeping!
Oh, fuck, what should we do?
We're asleep!
All right, help me.
Ow, ow!
- Ow! Dude, take it easy.
- I'm trying.
Ahh ow, fuck.
Oh, dude!
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck me.
Hello.
Hi, yeah, it's me.
AJ stayed in the city with his friends
last night and he's not home yet.
- And I can't get in touch with him.
- Take it easy. Slow down.
He's probably just
sleeping it off.
No, I called Todd's mother
and Todd came home.
He could be dead by now,
O.D.'d, God knows what else.
- God, why did I let him go?
- He's all right.
I'll take care of it.
Give me the number of the hotel.
It's the Hudson Suites
on the Westside.
Tony, just go there. I am... I'm so
worried I'm not even angry anymore.
All right, all right,
I'm on my way.
Anthony?
God damn you! I have been going
crazy trying to reach you.
- Later. I don't feel good.
- What happened to your face?
- Just leave me alone.
- I want to know what happened!
You never went to Meadow's
after you gave me your word!
- Get off my back.
- You are a liar!
- Fuck you.
- What did you say?!
Get back here!
Ow!
Puritan Salvage.
The big guy's looking for a consignment
from a wedding in Ringwood last night.
Nothing came in here.
This Benz, SL55,
he wants it pulled.
I'll make some calls.
- Where is he?
- In his room.
What happened to your leg?
He lied to me, Tony,
which means that they both lied.
She's covering for him.
It's what sisters are supposed to do.
Of course, right.
- He cursed at me. Oh my God.
- What did he say?
- He's asleep.
- Not anymore.
Oh, hey, Dad.
I was just taking out the trash.
It's garbage day tomorrow.
- What's different about you?
- He has no eyebrows, Tony!
- Who did this?
- We were just screwing around.
- What'd you say to your mother?
- Tony...
What did you say?
I said the "F" word.
You're finished.
You're never gonna drive that car
till you're 45 years old.
I'm selling it tomorrow!
She wouldn't let me talk,
I was trying to tell her what happened.
- Oh see, it's my fault.
- All right, let's hear it.
Well, I was gonna go to Meadow's
but there weren't any cabs.
I didn't think you'd want me standing
in the street at 11:30 at night.
- We were right by the hotel.
- Enough of your lying.
- I am not lying!
- Look at your face!
If you've got some kind
of sexual proclivity
with that teacher or whatever,
now is the time to tell us!
What went on up there?
Poppers and weird sex?
What? No!
Look, we don't do drugs,
we're not some stupid dopers.
I had a few beers,
but it just made me sick.
- How can anybody believe what you say?
- Because I told you!
You never believe me.
- You had a couple beers?
- Yeah.
- You didn't do any drugs.
- No!
Carmela, look it...
a couple of beers.
Should be grounded, yeah,
but it's not the end of the world.
What?
You know what?
I am sick of your bullshit.
Both of you!
- He can go live with you.
- Don't get dramatic now, all right?
- What? Great, good.
- Shut up!
I have never been
more serious in my life.
Take out the trash, go outside.
What are we gonna do, really?
What did I just say?
- No, I mean really, come on.
- Did you think I was joking?
Carmela, this is
normal teenage shit.
You remember us?
The C.Y.O. Dance.
We left Artie out in the snow,
he almost lost his fingers.
And we still laugh
our asses off about it.
No, I don't really blame AJ He's doing
exactly what he's supposed to.
He's testing the limits as much
as he can. I blame myself.
What are you talking about?
You don't know what it's like to have
your son hate your guts.
- He doesn't hate your guts.
- Oh, thank God he's alive.
It's my fault, Tony.
My pathetic need to compete with you
clouded my judgment
or I never would have let him stay
in New York. I knew he wasn't ready.
I went against
all of my instincts.
His eyebrows'll grow back!
Nothing really happened!
No, you know what happened?
I said fuck it. And you know why?
To get him to love me
as much as he loves you.
He loves you, it's just...
you're his mother,
it's different.
I can't be the villain anymore.
I mean it.
And I can't say fuck it.
Take him. Let him
live with you.
Homina-homina-
homina-homina.
- Ed Norton?
- Ed Norton?
No, I'm terribly
sorry, Mr. Kramden.
No, the correct answer
is Stephen Foster. But thanks so much.
You've been a wonderful contestant
and a swell sport.
Goodbye,
Mr. Kramden.
He's here.
Hey, tarall's,
expiration date 2007.
Put 'em over there.
Have a seat.
Uh-oh.
Sounds serious.
You have anything to do with
that wedding takedown in Ringwood?
Why, is that a problem?
I told you that doctor
was a friend of mine.
I deliberately used that word.
Are you aware of how many things
a fucking M.D. can do for us?
Sorry, Godfather, he was at the game.
I thought he was just another pigeon.
Who authorized you to do it?
And don't call me Godfather
with that fucking cute smirk.
I know I was away
for a long time,
but when did that happen, you gotta ask
permission to ply your trade?
Here's your end, be happy.
When were you gonna tell me
about it if I hadn't called you here?
I'm here now!
I'm telling you about it now!
That's the second time
I'm playing catch-up with you.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- The lawn cutting.
Do I have to send you a memo
every time I move my bowels too?
You're so concerned
about my end,
why didn't you put one of those cars
through my shops?
What?
Johnny Sack told me
about this guy in Newburgh.
- Johnny Sack?
- Yeah, Johnny Sack.
Anyway, he gave me a better deal
for shipping them whole.
Are you fucking serious?
I don't like the way
I'm being talked to here.
What did I tell you when you came to me,
said you wanted back in?
I said as long as you don't
step on anybody's toes.
- In my day...
- That's another thing.
I don't wanna hear no more
about how it was in your day.
You just keep your anecdotes
to local color,
like Dynaflows, or McGuire Sisters,
shit like that.
Otherwise, shut the fuck up!
Jesus Christ, Feech,
I'm tryin' to ease your transition here
and this is the thanks I get?
I'm sorry if I offended you.
You gotta remember, Tony,
I still think of you as a kid.
I'll learn.
Yeah?
Yeah.
That's funny.
Come here.
Aw, shit.
We all right?
Just...
get the SL55 back, okay?
Maybe I was
too hard on that guy.
Did I learn nothing
from Richie Aprile?
Huh?
- Nip it in the bud.
- Feech?
- He's well liked, T.
- That's another thing.
All right, well, don't be so hard
on yourself though.
- Hey, Olsen and Johnson.
- How you doing?
Stopped by the bakery,
they said you left already.
That's the Canali suit
I promised you.
He said you should try on the jacket,
see how the sleeves are.
How's that?
How's that?
I look better than Sinatra.
- Very nice.
- All right.
Hey, I'm having my wine and peaches.
You want?
No thanks, we gotta get going.
- I'll try some peaches.
- Good.
Peaches are from fucking New Zealand.
They're great. I'll get you a glass.
No, we should go,
we should go...
- take care of that thing.
- It can't wait?
Where the fuck you going?
Come on, sit down.
No, we gotta do this shit. You don't
wanna know, it's all fucked up.
What?
My imbecile cousin, he was welding
his boat trailer, burns down his garage.
Now we got no place
to park the truck that we got.
What's wrong with the street?
Georgia peaches,
those are considered the best.
See, he don't want me
to know what's in the truck.
Flat screen TVs.
50-inch plasma Philipses.
Guy's coming down from Montreal,
but he got delayed a couple of days.
I got a garage right here.
My cousin's mother's got a place,
we can lock it up there.
Park the load here, this way I'm around.
Keep my glims on the stuff.
- How much you gonna want for that?
- Two.
Fuck you, Feech.
It's fucking parking.
You gotta kick in a TV.
I thought I had a plan
for Anthony, but I...
I'm not so sure now.
I don't know if Rutgers'
summer program
accepts boys without eyebrows.
So you heard about that?
I was a wreck.
I mean look what happened
to those girls just driving to school.
We brought in grief counselors.
How's Anthony coping with that?
I have to say
he never mentioned it.
They all handle
tragedy differently.
Actually, he just moved
in with his father.
- I don't know if he said.
- Really?
I don't know what you might
have heard about my husband.
Some.
I mean, he's a good father,
don't get me wrong.
Our daughter is at Columbia.
My friends tell me I'm a snob
with this college business,
but with Anthony
it's something else.
I just know that if he didn't get into
a good enough school to interest him,
and he dropped out,
went to work as a waiter or something,
he wouldn't last a week.
You know, he would be drawn
right in... you know.
My husband doesn't
want that for him either.
You met him.
My husband can be very magnetic,
you know, bigger than life.
And I was so young.
It was very exciting.
Anyway, he's over there.
Maybe it'll be good, you know,
learning the things
that men need to know.
Well...
Anyway, so what about you?
How long have you been at the school?
Since '86.
I suppose that's what caught
me up too, with Astrid.
Some notion of escaping
the quotidian.
- So you were married.
- For about, uh... five minutes.
Chicken Marsala.
- And the honey balsamic chicken.
- Thank you.
- Have you read "Madame Bovary"?
- No.
It's almost a perfect novel.
Flaubert writes about bourgeois
loneliness and emptiness.
Emma Bovary destroys herself
for some fantasy in her head.
It's great.
It's truly, truly great.
Somehow horrifically funny,
though tragic.
I think you might enjoy it.
I'll stop by Borders
on my way home.
- Who is it by again?
- Gustave Flaubert.
Yeah?
Supervisor Curran, parole board.
Site visit.
Where's Eddie Stimich?
He's out sick.
I just wanna take a look around.
Only thing better about here
than Russia is the food.
Good one.
Eddie examined every fucking
dust bunny in the place just last week.
Is that new?
Uh...
bequest.
Friend of mine, passed away.
Is that your garage?
Nah, it's where I make the weapons
of mass destruction.
Let's go out and open it up.
You wanna see my fucking garage?
You never seen
an oil stain before?
Let's go.
Here's the windup.
And the pitch...
- Ah!
- Come on!
Fuck Major League Baseball.
Ever since the fucking strike.
Let's watch ballet.
Oh, somebody hotboxed us?
- I saw you close the window.
- What's that?
It's when you close
the windows and fart on purpose.
That's a Dutch oven.
- No, in bed it's a Dutch oven.
- What's a Dutch oven?
You fart in bed with a woman then force
her head under the covers.
That's awesome.
- First you gotta be in bed with one.
- You'd be surprised.
- Whoa.
- Ooh.
Yeah, I would.
Oh my God!
What...
Jesus!
That's enough.
Go upstairs, do your Spanish homework.
- In 15 minutes.
- No, now.
And he goes down looking.
The end of the inning.
Just got the call.
They put him on
a corrections bus this morning.
This was the better move
than taking him out.
- The man was a legend.
- Christopher agrees, by the way.
Well, that's nice
that he agrees.
But I'm not running
a fucking popularity contest.
Mommy!
Look at me!
Anthony!