The Sopranos (1999–2007): Season 5, Episode 3 - Where's Johnny? - full transcript
With Carmine's passing and Feech's arrival, turf wars are breaking out around New Jersey. Junior's mental health, meanwhile, starts to decline.
Here he is,
Mr. Clean.
- Want some coffee?
- Where's your dirties?
I'll get 'em.
What?
I don't know.
It's... it's...
it's hard seeing you like this.
What, working, with a real job?
It's like I've been telling Feech,
it's been a long strange trip.
Feech?
Anyway, it's the luck
of the draw, that shit.
Could've just as easily
been me that went away.
Come on, I was gonna be there
that night of the hijack.
Well, it ain't like you
came away totally unscathed.
No, a couple of goons jumped me
and cut my head open.
I couldn't go.
Still...
They could've killed ya.
You ended up in the E.R.
Got 16 stitches.
You got 15 years.
You always were a lucky fuck.
Well, that's not
completely true.
I got a lotta sorrows
in my life.
Like him for example.
Thanks for lunch.
Stick with me, kid, I'll have ya eating
lunch like that every day.
I'm serious about
this massage therapy.
Well, you should keep a square job
like that for appearances.
Look at me with the bakery.
I told my cousin
I wanna stay a civilian.
Ah, yes.
The boy king.
Can I trust you if I talk to you
frankly about him?
- What are you doing?
- I gotta make a stop.
What the fuck you doing?
- Excuse me?
- What the fuck are you doing?
I'm trimming a lawn.
My nephew does the lawns
in this neighborhood.
I been working this
neighborhood for 26 years.
Are you fucking deaf?
I said my nephew has this area,
- Gary La Manna.
- Fuck off, huh? I'm busy here.
You want me to fuck off?!
How about I fuck off all over
your stupid fucking face,
you fucking mutt? Huh?
You don't work
this neighborhood!
Jesus Christ, we're on parole.
What the fuck you doing?
Anthony said the cable
box has to be on.
It's on, I'm doing it.
But let me tell ya,
our glass house couples
could probably decorate
in about 24 hours.
They have to, each week.
Tony's whole life was horses...
- No, it's not her.
- That's Judy!
- No, it's not Judy!
- The fuck?
- Yes, it is, of course it is.
- Why am I on there?
- What?
- Holy shit. I've seen Judy!
- That's not you.
- What's that, my trial?
Know the eyes.
- No, I do know the eyes...
Come on!
I've seen my daughter call her Judy!
- Sweet Judy Brown Eyes...
- That's Bobby.
What the fuck is this?
Junior, it's not you,
it's a TV program, a movie.
Judy, what?
Ton', he's here.
- Tony, hey, thanks for seeing me.
- How are ya?
How are you?
You want something?
Coffee, bialy?
No, I'm good, thank you.
What's on your mind?
Well, honestly, I'll get
right to the point.
As regards to your uncle,
'cause of the promotion and all,
I kinda thought I'd be
out on the street more.
Staying off the street
nowadays is a good thing, no?
- It's a joke.
- I know, I mean I'm not complaining.
It's just it's over a year,
and I'm still
- picking up prescriptions.
- What do ya need, money?
All I want is a chance to earn.
I mean, I'm happy to do it,
it's just 40 minutes
I spent at Rite Aids yesterday
getting him some stool softener
that was on sale.
With Jan and the kids
to feed now...
How's she doing anyways,
my sister?
She sleeps a lot.
It's hard.
Still with
the Epstein-Barr, huh?
It's tough on her.
I don't know...
two kids,
a ready-made family.
She's prone
to depression, frankly.
Mmm.
I mean, not that
I have any regrets.
No, no, course not,
she's a good kid.
Look, Bobby, marriage...
or any partnership for that matter,
is a give and a take.
All right, look.
I hear what you're saying,
but the truth
is I depend on you.
Beppy, Tommy...
come on.
You're the only one
I can trust over there.
And believe it or not, it's important
to me that he's cared for.
All right, let me figure out
how to take care of you.
Maybe you could make more
collections or something.
Thanks, Ton'.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, all right.
All right.
And Friday we have fish,
if you're Catholic,
so that's nice.
Sounds like the Ritz.
Ya gotta see her, Aunt Mary,
she's the belle
of the ball over there.
Here, Ma, rest those dogs.
Hey, what's going on?
Nobody cutting the lawn?
Oh, Madonn'.
Mr. Vitro, the gardener,
somebody beat him up,
broke his arm.
- God forbid.
- Sal Vitro?
- Who beat him up?
- Some men in a Cadillac.
He was mowing a lawn
on Kimball Street.
The man said he didn't want him
in the neighborhood.
Poor Sal, what a nice man he is.
He put my garbage cans out
every time he cut my grass.
What's his name, Aunt Mary?
- Salvatore Vitro.
- Ma, the guy that beat him up.
Man came by and said
he was gonna cut the lawns.
I said, "No,
I want Mr. Vitro."
"E. Gary La Manna,
Landscaping."
- Do you know him?
- Eat your scones.
I'll straighten it out.
95.5, WPLJ in Brooklyn.
- Sorry, we're not open.
- What, not open?
A man in your position turning
away fucking business now?
I didn't know
it was you, Lorraine.
Here ya go.
That's most of it.
Let me ask you a question, Dan.
Say I'm some big nigger standing
here instead of a woman,
you still gonna tell me
you got most of it?
Let's go, chop-chop,
pay the woman.
Phil, hey. I was just
thinking about you.
Those Islander tickets, right?
How about this humidity?
Hey! Hey!
- Guys, please, whatever this is...
- Shut up.
Two times you were told
to kick up to fucking Johnny Sack.
And what do you do?
You kick up to Little Carmine?
- Tape her.
- No! No!
Little Carmine, he was
my father's friend!
Philly, Joey, look...
okay, okay, okay.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I'll pay you, okay?
I'll do anything you want.
I'll suck your cock, okay?
All of you guys!
- You'll suck our cocks?
- Yeah!
She any good?
What am I asking you for?
You probably showed her how.
- Shut up.
- Please, guys.
Relax.
This'll muffle the shot.
Adios, you fucking skank.
Hey, look at this, Joey.
Today's her lucky day.
Only made it to the R's.
Next time,
there'll be no next time.
Come on.
Take as long
as you like, no rush.
I've got my "Times Crossword"
and Agnes here will
get you anything you need.
Thanks, Mel.
So how's it being home, Angelo?
Enjoying living
with your daughter?
It's like paradise.
I eat like a pharaoh,
- I got my own room, cable TV.
- I have cable.
My grandson,
he asked me... he says,
how come he never met
his grandpa before?
I said, "Because Grandpa's
been in Special Forces."
First he was afraid of me,
but I said, "Come on,
we'll get some ice cream.
- We'll go to the park. It'll be..."
- Well anyway,
- here we all are.
- Right.
I called you boys because Lorraine
calls me and she said
there's a situation in our family
that's gotten outta hand
- with John and Little Carmine.
- This fucking Johnny,
he wouldn't even let
the maggots get on Carmine
before he's telling me
to kick up direct to him.
Problem is Carmine
never named a successor.
We all assumed it'd be Johnny
'cause the son's down in Miami
with the discos and the whatnot.
He's grabbing
with both hands, John.
This could get ugly.
There's a lotta potential
for bloodshed.
Potential?
They almost killed us.
Jason, men are talking here.
Now you're close to John.
- You have any ideas?
- What are you asking him for?
He never even had the makings
of a varsity athlete.
Your point being what, Junior?
Oh, forget it,
he's just breaking balls.
All right, one thought I had
in the interest of harmony,
maybe there could be
a power-sharing situation.
The Sopranos have two bosses.
That's not all it's cracked up to be,
believe you me.
Let's not get into that
right now, okay?
What I was thinking
was three bosses,
a triumvir-thing,
like Caesar.
- Little Carmine, Johnny and you.
- I'm retired.
You were Carmine's consigliere
for over 30 years.
If it wasn't for that construction beef
down in Yonkers
it'd be you running
that family today.
- Things happen how they happen.
- Think about it.
Doesn't have to be
9:00 to 5:00.
You could still take
your grandson to the park.
Things get heavy, you're just another
voice to weigh in.
And John still does
better financially
than he ever did under Carmine.
There he is.
Salvatore, my Dali.
My aunt told me about it.
I mean, what'd I ever
do to this guy?
They released
these fucks from the can.
Obviously,
he wasn't rehabilitated.
It's my livelihood.
I don't have a yard no more,
Sally, I'm in a condo.
Otherwise, you know,
I'd have ya out there
with your snippers,
even with your bum wing.
My wife, at this point...
she's got me thinking
about going to the cops.
What are you talking about?
Where are you from?
- I don't know what to do.
- You got friends, don't ya?
- I always steered clear of stuff.
- What stuff?
I go, I talk to the guy for ya.
Get you back your stops.
I know him.
Yeah?
So you give me a token,
I don't know, couple percent.
Thanks, Paulie.
This one and the next one.
There he is,
the king of breadsticks.
I'll give you a breadstick up your ass.
Come here, you.
Come on, sit down.
So, how's the kid, huh, Tony?
He's good, you know.
But ask me,
he should've stood with Carmela.
Some men need wives, huh?
Tell you when to shit
- and when to scratch your ass.
- Who needs them, huh?
What can I do for you, Paul?
I got a guy, I think you
may have run into him,
gardener name of Sal Vitro.
Does my aunt's grass.
He says your nephew's moving
into his neighborhood,
- Franklin Parkway.
- His neighborhood?
He's been working there
since back when I lived there.
Anyway, I'm here putting
in a word for the kid.
So do me a favor, huh?
You and your nephew over there, lay off.
- Hey, biscotti?
- No.
You know Mr. Jerry,
the fruit who owns
those hair salons, huh?
He came to me the other day,
he asked me to take
his action on the Knicks.
Jerry's my fucking customer,
for years now.
Which is why I told him no.
This gardener, he cut the hair
on your balls, too?
He's a friend of my Aunt Mary's.
Which is why he don't
belong to nobody.
What do you know about who belongs
to what? You been away 20 years!
- Which entitles me to earn!
- Which entitles you to shit.
In my book, you get points
for staying outta the can.
Good thing for me, then,
that your book don't mean oogatz to me!
What's yours is yours, Paulie,
but what ain't
is anybody else's!
Now do yourself a fucking favor
and get the fuck outta my store!
So are we picking Bobby up,
or is he gonna meet
us at Uncle Jun's?
He took the kids
to the 12:00 mass.
I didn't know he was religious.
At this point he'll try
anything, I guess.
Bobby Jr. started
wetting his bed again.
- Practically every night.
- Bobby came by to see me the other day.
Really?
So we discuss his career,
I'm his wife.
Sometimes he needs a push.
Junior's your uncle too, in case you
wanna play more of an active role...
I try, believe me.
Despite all the work
I have with my own family.
You know, I cook for Bobby
and the kids every night.
I did Sunday dinner at my house,
and now I gotta
prepare the starters
and schlep 'em to Uncle Jun's.
Yeah, Barb's helping out
all the way down from Brewster.
Barbara's kids are normal.
This family stuff,
these Sunday dinners,
they're important, Janice.
Hey, Jan.
Julio?
- Help me get this order?
- Okay.
You know, every day I understand more
and more what Ma went through.
I mean we bitch about her,
but I tell you,
it is less and less a mystery
why she was the way she was.
- She chose to be that way.
- You don't choose that, Tony.
An ungrateful husband,
selfish kids.
- How's that food that Janice prepared?
- Two more minutes.
Artie's re-saut?ing
the mushrooms.
Could I get you a glass of wine,
something to drink?
- No, I'm good.
- I'll have a pinot grigio.
20 minutes, start the shells.
Just redoing the mushrooms,
two minutes tops.
Well relax, I just...
came in to say hello.
- So how you doing?
- Hanging in.
Heard you were over there
at the Motel 6.
My aunt took the house back.
I'm moving in with my cousin
at the end of the month.
Look, if you want,
I'm staying over at my mother's
and the place is empty.
You can bunk with me for a while.
No. Thank you.
I was talking with
my cousin, Tony B,
and he said it's fucking stupid
that we're on the outs.
I'm telling ya, the place
is just sitting there,
two extra bedrooms.
- I don't know.
- Why not?
Artie, we're like brothers.
How long are we gonna
hold a grudge?
- Thanks, Ton'. Thank you very much.
- Yeah, all right.
All right.
Listen, I gotta talk to you
about your linens...
the napkins and tablecloths,
all that shit.
I got something going.
I think I can save you like 70%.
There's been a lot of
progress to the facade.
In some instances,
all of the paint comes off.
Now tell me, what
product is used...
I don't get these old antique houses.
They're grimy looking.
We gonna eat today or what?
Barbara and Tom aren't here yet
with the entrees, Uncle Jun'.
When were they supposed to come?
2:00, I told you
five minutes ago. Here.
Why don't we start on the macaroni?
Everybody come on!
Bolognese has meat,
obviously, the marinara doesn't.
And Barb will be here with the chicken
parm and the veal pizzaiola.
So Anthony, how'd you guys do
against Delbarton last season?
- Not so good, we lost both times.
- It's that line coach.
"Star-Ledger" says Delbarton's gonna
be even tougher this coming year
- with that Chinese kid.
- Your father never had the makings
- of a varsity athlete.
- Oh, what the...?
- What the hell's with you?
- What?
It's not true.
I lettered in football.
- You never played college ball.
- College?
Those guys from Seton Hall
were seven feet tall some of them.
Took an academic leave anyway.
Small hands,
that was your problem.
Oh yeah, Daddy always said that.
That's not the point.
What is it with you and this obsession
with this varsity crap?
The other day you said it.
When I was a kid you told the girl
cousins the same thing, it was hurtful.
- Tony, relax, it's not a big deal.
- It's undermining!
And it's the kinda stuff
I'm teaching my kids not to do.
So I don't wanna hear it again!
End of subject!
Honey, pass me
the ricotta, please.
Hello?
- In here! Hey!
- Hi, sorry we're late.
- The Tappan Zee was a nightmare.
- Checking the trucks again.
Well, sit down and dig into this medley
of pastas that Janice whipped up.
- How you doing, Uncle Jun'?
- I don't like tardiness.
- Let me unwrap these.
- This looks great.
- Thank you.
- So coming down I heard on the radio,
looks like the Jets are gonna grab
that kid from Tulsa, that tight end.
We still get those season tickets,
big brother?
He never had the makings
of a varsity athlete.
- Son of a bitch!
- What?
- Did I just tell you not to say that?!
- Say what?
You don't like the way
I talk, get outta my house!
- Here we go.
- Tony...
No "Tony" shit!
Get your coat, we're leaving.
- I don't have a coat.
- Well then get moving, God damn it!
Will someone please
tell me what's going on?
It's my last Sunday dinner here,
that's what's going on.
Uncle Jun', was that
really necessary?
He's a goddamn hothouse flower,
that's his problem.
Thank you for getting
my TV fixed, Paulie.
It's such a sin.
He fired his Spanish helper.
Took his boy outta college
'cause he couldn't afford it anymore.
He said it's his
last time coming here.
- You speak to the man?
- I'll see you later.
So what's up?
Nothing, I thought
we'd be first in line for opening day.
Peanuts are on me.
Angelo Garepe came to see me.
- Mm-hmm.
- Lorraine Calluzzo reached out.
Fucking twat.
Didn't you fuck her once?
Yeah, a million years ago.
What, is nothing a secret?
Obviously you wanna
maintain stability,
but having Phil Leotardo
smack your shies around,
is that the smartest thing?
I gotta nip this Little Carmine shit
in the bud.
Otherwise I could see
a lot of people start fucking around.
Power vacuum,
the capos bide their time,
nobody's sure who to pay,
so nobody gets paid.
All right, I hear you.
No one likes that cunt anyway.
Any problem, she's "Whack
this one, whack that one".
Never enough body count
for Lorraine.
Fuck her, let her taste
her own medicine!
All right, whatever.
I'll tell you something else.
In large measure,
I blame you for this shit
with Little Carmine.
- What the fuck did I do?
- You legitimized him.
Man of your stature goes to Florida
to see that schmuck?
All right.
Come on, huh?
We both agree that little
Carmine's a fucking asshole,
but the fact is he's got a following
loyal to his old man.
So?
So, Angelo had an idea.
What if...
and he's just floating this
to keep the peace...
Mm-hmm.
What if there was
a power-sharing situation?
- Power sharing.
- You're all in charge equally,
but no major decisions
can be made without a majority of two.
What the fuck?
Hey, this way you're not such
a big target for the feds.
Three of the other families
have this kind of arrangement.
What's this,
the fucking U.N. now?!
- All right forget it! Forget I said it!
- Fuck that!
Everyone deserves
to choose how they feel,
to experience the love,
the joy, the happiness, the passion.
- Where's Junior?
- Upstairs taking a nap.
The garage is open,
his car is gone.
- Where is he?
- I'm telling you, I don't know.
You don't think somebody put
the snatch on him, do you?
When did you see him last?
An hour ago. Two.
I fell asleep.
Maybe he drove to the store.
His wallet's here, his watch.
With his bail, he's not allowed
to leave the house anyway.
Junior.
So when they say
they're not interested,
you say, "You're not interested
in keeping kids off drugs?"
What, Shabazz?
Nobody wants them
Turkish taffies.
You push harder.
What did I tell you about profit margin?
- Where's Johnny?
- We closed now.
- Let me talk to Damiano.
- We rented the hall today.
I'm looking for Johnny Soprano,
God damn it.
Hey, this here's a church.
You can't talk
like that in here.
Get out, go on.
We're working here.
- I wanna see Johnny Soprano.
- Ain't no Johnny here.
- I'm his brother. He owns this place.
- Hold up, now.
Back in the day, this was
an Italian neighborhood.
Some fellas had this place here.
Kept those vending machines.
Well, there ain't no vending
machines here no more.
Come on, fool, go on.
All right, Roberta, thanks.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Bobbi Sanfillipo?
Junior hasn't kept time
with her in years.
- Yeah, I realize that.
- You know, now that I think about it,
Junior was acting a little peculiar
when I got here today.
Said he wanted to see Johnny.
What Johnny?
- His brother?
- I don't know.
Also there the other day,
we were watching the TV,
he thought he saw himself
on one of the programs.
We have got
the dishwashing liquid...
concentrated dishwashing liquid.
No gloves, it's all-natural,
no chemicals.
- Hello?
- It's me.
- Did you drop off the drycleaning?
- Your uncle's missing.
He took his car.
He didn't call you, did he?
- No.
- Where the hell is he?
He's like an old woman.
He's probably gossiping with a neighbor.
Did you check
the Ramirez's next door?
I'm afraid he might've wandered.
My grandfather did this.
Maybe you better call Tony.
I can't just dump this on Tony.
I gotta find him.
I need you to come here
in case he comes back.
- Bobby, I just can't...
- I need your help here! Jesus Christ!
Sometimes I think I love
Junior more than you do!
We may know that there are
five essentials for victory:
One, he will win
who knows when to fight
and when not to fight;
Two, he will win
who knows how to...
- You Gary?
- I'm Jimmy.
Gary's up there.
Hey, come down here!
- What?
- I said get down here!
I wanna talk to you!
- What do you want?
- I'm a friend of Sal Vitro's.
My aunt lives on this street.
So?
So I'm guessing Sal Vitro
used to do this yard.
- A lotta things used to be.
- Maybe so,
but you're gonna make good
on his busted arm.
Oh yeah? Why am I
gonna do that?
'Cause I said so, that's why.
- Eat shit, pal.
- Why don't you take a walk, huh?
Give me your wallet, you prick.
This and the mower's
a down payment.
By next Tuesday I want Sal Vitro's
whole orthopedist bill paid.
Let's call it $1,200.
On top of that,
from now on I get 10%
of whatever you make
in this neighborhood.
- You motherfucker!
- Shut up or I'll give you a crack.
- Time is it?
- Don't worry, we'll take the tunnel.
All right, this meeting today,
we're trying to nail down a new
contractor now with Massarone gone.
- That office park by Troy Hills?
- Listen...
and this is very important...
if any of this shit
with Little Carmine
and Johnny
comes up, you clam up.
- You got it, Ton'.
- Say nothing.
'Cause you say
the wrong thing...
- What?
- Tony, it's me.
Listen, it's your uncle.
He's gone.
- You mean he's dead?
- No, no, no, no.
We think he might've
wandered off.
You know, I didn't
wanna call you
- but it's been a couple hours now.
- Fuck him.
He said he was
going to see Johnny.
You think he might've
meant your dad?
- What?
- He's wandering, Ton'.
He can wander off
the Palisades for all I care.
He's fucking dead to me.
I called you almost an hour ago.
- Where the hell have you been?
- Hello?
I was picking up your daughter.
Stay here, I'm going out.
Where the hell is Tommy?
- I sent him home.
- Oh, wonderful.
He gets the day off,
and I get to wait by the phone.
- It's because of him Junior escaped.
- Dad, can I go with you?
- No.
- Can Janice go and we can stay here?
What'd I tell you
about being impolite?
If anyone cares, I'll be
upstairs lying down.
One hour of television,
then you both finish your homework.
And you, lay off the Snapple.
What galls me is that before
Little Carmine went to Florida,
I was actually close with him.
I was in his wedding party.
Organized his whole
fucking bachelor party...
lesbian show, whores...
fucking disgusting.
Then when they had that kid
with the lung problem,
who you think got him that
doctor on Park Avenue?
Water over the dam, huh?
I had no idea you guys
were that close.
Close? We were
like brothers.
It's a shame that you can't find
a way to work things out.
Give me piece of bread, huh?
Have you thought about this?
Maybe you let him keep Lorraine,
and you take a bigger
piece of his Florida shit, the clubs.
If I wanted to worry
about Florida,
I would move to fucking Miami.
You know, it wasn't
long ago I remember
you used to wait in the car.
And as far as I'm concerned
you should still be there!
- He was just trying...
- Fuck "he was just!"
Everybody's got
a goddamn opinion!
I didn't say nothing, Ton'.
- What the fuck did I say?!
- I'm sorry, T, I just...
Now I gotta un-fuck
what you just fucked up.
Gotta do something nice for Johnny.
Like what?
What the fuck
am I supposed to do?!
You gotta understand, this shit between
Johnny and Little Carmine is bad.
The instability.
But worse comes to worst,
it could work to our advantage.
- How?
- They fight,
we pick up any crumbs
from the fallout.
The odds are that Johnny'll end up
on top, but who knows?
So keep your ears open
and your mouth shut!
Apparently, there's
a new president
at the electrician's union.
Tony sent Chrissy over
there to talk to him.
Something I've always been
meaning to get straight...
Tony calls Christopher
his nephew,
yet sometimes you refer to them
as cousins.
Yeah, right.
See, Chrissy's not Tony's nephew.
Chrissy's Carmela's cousin.
She was first cousin
to Dickie Moltisanti, Chrissy's dad.
But he was always kinda like
a big brother to Tony, Dickie.
So Tony calls
Chrissy his nephew.
- It's an Italian thing.
- Okay.
Although technically,
Tony and Chrissy are cousins.
Joanne Blundetto, Chrissy's mom,
is Tony's cousin
on his mother's side?
But, like way back.
Like from the old country
or something.
- Robyn?
- What?
How much longer am I gonna
have to keep doing this?
Major RICO against Tony Soprano?
Those things take
years to build.
This recent case against
Joe Massino in New York?
It was seven years before
indictments were handed down.
Hello, handsome.
Where you living now?
Around here?
- Do you know me?
- Do I know you?
Jupiter Club on 6th Street?
Caught fire, that place.
Lot of people died.
Do you know my brother, Johnny?
You got all the looks,
I'll tell ya that.
What are you saying?
You and I had relations?
Son of a bitch in a taxicab,
run me right over my foot.
- I have a car.
- Want a date?
I'll give you half and half
in the back seat.
- I want to go home.
- Let me get a ride by the shelter.
I have to find my car.
How you doing?
I don't gotta tell you shit.
See some ID, sir?
Fuck you, copper,
I know my rights.
Hey, take it easy now.
My car was stolen.
I want my lawyer.
- What's his name?
- Mel.
Okay, Mel what?
I see you went out
and forgot your shoes.
- Where do you live?
- Belleville.
Sure you don't want
to tell me your name?
- You're not in any trouble or anything.
- Corrado Soprano.
Tell you what, sir,
why don't you come and get in the car
where it's nice and warm?
We'll try to figure out
how to get in touch
with your lawyer, all right?
Jesus, Uncle Jun', thank God.
- This gentleman reside here, ma'am?
- He's my uncle.
Where have you been?
We were worried sick.
I'll need to see some
identification, ma'am.
- Oh, okay, I'll get my bag.
- His, actually.
Bobby, get Uncle Jun's wallet.
It's upstairs on his dresser.
Uncle Jun', you're freezing.
We found him walking across
Clay Street Bridge in Newark.
Newark?
- Where's your car?
- They stole it.
- Who stole it?
- You know who.
It's him.
Junior Soprano.
- Here ya go, sir.
- Go shit in your hat.
Uncle Jun', stop.
Thank you, officers.
Thank you.
Uncle Jun', did you tell Tommy
- you were going to see my father?
- Of course not.
What are you doing?
Sit!
- I have to use the facilities.
- Bobby, go with him.
God damn it,
I can piss by myself!
Okay, okay.
- I'll open some soup.
- You go out for some exercise,
people give you
the goddamn third degree.
- Hi, Ellie.
- Oh, hello, Louie.
How's the big
slot-machine king?
Oh, I ain't doing that
no more, I'm retired.
Tony, it's me.
- What's the matter?
- It's Uncle Jun'.
They found him in Newark,
in his slippers.
He was looking for Daddy, Tony.
He may have Alzheimer's.
I don't know.
Good, maybe he'll forget
my phone number.
Jesus Christ.
Mozzarella in carrozza.
Still warm.
Artie, we're in the middle
of a family meeting.
I'm not even here.
He's our uncle, Tony. There may be
something seriously wrong with him.
Listen, Janice,
like I told your husband,
- he's fucking dead to me.
- Are you that fragile?
You don't know the half
of it when it comes to us.
And if you're so concerned,
take him to the doctor.
- 'Cause I've had it.
- You're the only one he relates to.
We won't even be able
to get him in the car.
Fuck him.
You reap what you sow.
You sure did.
You think maybe there's a reason
you're living all alone
here without your family?
Whoa.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You're gonna give me
advice on marriage?
You know, Tony, there's a lot I can say
right now that I am not gonna say.
Fuck it! Say it! Say it!
Who gives a fuck?
Think I don't know what
you're doing here, Janice?
Trying to pawn
this shit off on me.
Your whole life... whenever
there's a family problem,
- you shirk your duties or run away!
- Ran away?
- Tibet or fucking Berkeley.
- I was 18 years old!
I was 16 when you left me with our
head case of a mother.
Who you all of a sudden
relate to so fucking well!
I was merely saying...
Free-spirit Janice,
rebel without a cause,
while I sit here
mired in her bullshit
trying to be a good son
while you're off dropping acid
- and blowing roadies!
- Roadies?
- Oh, you don't wanna know.
- That is not true, Tony.
Now you tell him that
that's not true!
Poor fucking Janice,
she's so depressed.
Poor Janice, she can't get up
off the couch
'cause she's so tired
from her Epstein-Barr.
Poor fucking Janice.
Va fongul!
- Why don't we calm down?
- Maybe you were the smart one
'cause you got outta here,
but your hippie string ran out
and now you're gonna do to this man
what you do to every one of 'em.
- Fucking piece of shit!
- You stupid cunt.
Oh, just like your mother, huh?
Now you can do to him
what she did to Daddy!
Cocksucker!
You want more responsibility?
Start with controlling
your wife.
And then from nowhere,
he cracks one kid's head with a shovel
and the other one,
he knocks out of a tree.
He jumped out of the tree and came
at me with a chainsaw.
I got a right
to defend myself, Ton'.
All right, take it easy, relax.
Sal Vitro's been
working the area
since my ma was still
working at Kresge's.
I should be able to help out a kid
from my own neighborhood.
All right, how about this?
Vitro and your nephew
split the area...
east of Dyer is yours,
west of Dyer goes to him.
As for the broken arm...
I don't know, give him $500.
I already told the guy 12, T.
Well there's fucking
compromises in life, Paulie.
All right, make it a grand
for the pain and suffering.
Naturally I want
my taste, retroactive,
'cause this is the first time
I heard about any of this.
It's a new venture.
My nephew's barely on his feet.
I mean, I didn't
want to start kicking up
and pull it back
if it don't work out.
And of course Vitro'll
do your grass too, Ton'.
No charge.
Remind me to talk
to you about that later.
There he is.
Salvatore, my boy.
- How's that pitching arm?
- It's getting there.
Paul, say hello
to Mr. Gaultieri.
That's my middle name, Paul.
So I talked to that guy.
Good news.
I got you 500 for your arm,
and you keep half your area.
- Half?
- It could've been nothing.
Lucky you know me.
West of Dyer's yours,
east belongs to him.
Paulie, my wife's gonna sh...
All right, thank you, Paulie.
Oh, one more thing.
You're gonna have to cut a couple
of lawns on the comp.
Some friends of ours.
Some shot, huh,
the way it hooked?
You got a fucking
horseshoe up your ass.
Mr. Soprano?
Harry Winer, I was
your mother's neurologist.
- I did her work-up from Green Grove?
- Yeah, how you doing?
So I assume your sister
told you I'm treating your uncle.
Oh yeah, yeah, she mentioned it.
- Catch you in there, T.
- Yeah.
I think with the right meds
we can control these things.
- What things?
- The infarcts.
They're akin
to mini-strokes.
He suffered significant brain trauma
the other day. You probably noticed him
acting differently over the past six
months, a year maybe.
Well to tell you the truth, me and my
uncle, we don't talk much anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Don't be, he's a hostile prick.
Well, unfortunately obstinacy
is consistent with his condition.
Impatience, forgetfulness,
particularly with short-term memory.
Do you find he'll ask the same question
every three minutes?
What time it is?
I don't know.
Maybe.
It's frustrating, I know.
Anyway, the last thing I wanted to do
was get in the middle
of a family squabble.
- I just wanted to say hello.
- Well, nice seeing you.
Okay.
All right.
Member of the squirrel family,
the prairie dog makes
its home mainly...
Tommy?
Brought you some fish.
Trying to clean out my refrigerator.
Make sure you form a seal
when you shut that freezer door.
Of the two main species,
the black-tailed prairie dog
is much more widespread,
inhabiting much
of the Great Plains
and the Great Basin.
So how you feeling?
Heard you had a little problem.
What problem?
All right.
But your doctor said
something different.
Who, Kennedy?
Kennedy's your cancer doctor.
I knew that.
You said doctor.
The white-tailed prairie dog
lives at higher elevations,
hibernating
throughout the winter.
Just take your medicine,
Uncle Jun'.
Make you feel better.
Help with your memory.
Believe me, there's plenty
I'd like to forget.
Yeah, you and me both.
- Feech was here?
- Yeah, he came to pay his respects.
What's this I hear,
you ruled against Feech?
- He's an important man.
- Why is he bitching at you about shit?
I'm still the boss
of this family,
despite any arrangements.
Yellow in color,
they often have dark...
These prairie dogs,
they'll sleep during the day.
Oh yeah?
Look, the doctor said you
might not have known
what you were saying.
What are you talking about?
The varsity shit.
So, what else did Feech
have to say?
Getting a new top
on his convertible.
All right, let's assume that you
didn't know what you were saying.
That you forget
you say shit over and over.
Yeah?
Why's it gotta be
something mean?
Why can't you repeat
something good?
There's the coyote.
I mean, don't you love me?
Mr. Clean.
- Want some coffee?
- Where's your dirties?
I'll get 'em.
What?
I don't know.
It's... it's...
it's hard seeing you like this.
What, working, with a real job?
It's like I've been telling Feech,
it's been a long strange trip.
Feech?
Anyway, it's the luck
of the draw, that shit.
Could've just as easily
been me that went away.
Come on, I was gonna be there
that night of the hijack.
Well, it ain't like you
came away totally unscathed.
No, a couple of goons jumped me
and cut my head open.
I couldn't go.
Still...
They could've killed ya.
You ended up in the E.R.
Got 16 stitches.
You got 15 years.
You always were a lucky fuck.
Well, that's not
completely true.
I got a lotta sorrows
in my life.
Like him for example.
Thanks for lunch.
Stick with me, kid, I'll have ya eating
lunch like that every day.
I'm serious about
this massage therapy.
Well, you should keep a square job
like that for appearances.
Look at me with the bakery.
I told my cousin
I wanna stay a civilian.
Ah, yes.
The boy king.
Can I trust you if I talk to you
frankly about him?
- What are you doing?
- I gotta make a stop.
What the fuck you doing?
- Excuse me?
- What the fuck are you doing?
I'm trimming a lawn.
My nephew does the lawns
in this neighborhood.
I been working this
neighborhood for 26 years.
Are you fucking deaf?
I said my nephew has this area,
- Gary La Manna.
- Fuck off, huh? I'm busy here.
You want me to fuck off?!
How about I fuck off all over
your stupid fucking face,
you fucking mutt? Huh?
You don't work
this neighborhood!
Jesus Christ, we're on parole.
What the fuck you doing?
Anthony said the cable
box has to be on.
It's on, I'm doing it.
But let me tell ya,
our glass house couples
could probably decorate
in about 24 hours.
They have to, each week.
Tony's whole life was horses...
- No, it's not her.
- That's Judy!
- No, it's not Judy!
- The fuck?
- Yes, it is, of course it is.
- Why am I on there?
- What?
- Holy shit. I've seen Judy!
- That's not you.
- What's that, my trial?
Know the eyes.
- No, I do know the eyes...
Come on!
I've seen my daughter call her Judy!
- Sweet Judy Brown Eyes...
- That's Bobby.
What the fuck is this?
Junior, it's not you,
it's a TV program, a movie.
Judy, what?
Ton', he's here.
- Tony, hey, thanks for seeing me.
- How are ya?
How are you?
You want something?
Coffee, bialy?
No, I'm good, thank you.
What's on your mind?
Well, honestly, I'll get
right to the point.
As regards to your uncle,
'cause of the promotion and all,
I kinda thought I'd be
out on the street more.
Staying off the street
nowadays is a good thing, no?
- It's a joke.
- I know, I mean I'm not complaining.
It's just it's over a year,
and I'm still
- picking up prescriptions.
- What do ya need, money?
All I want is a chance to earn.
I mean, I'm happy to do it,
it's just 40 minutes
I spent at Rite Aids yesterday
getting him some stool softener
that was on sale.
With Jan and the kids
to feed now...
How's she doing anyways,
my sister?
She sleeps a lot.
It's hard.
Still with
the Epstein-Barr, huh?
It's tough on her.
I don't know...
two kids,
a ready-made family.
She's prone
to depression, frankly.
Mmm.
I mean, not that
I have any regrets.
No, no, course not,
she's a good kid.
Look, Bobby, marriage...
or any partnership for that matter,
is a give and a take.
All right, look.
I hear what you're saying,
but the truth
is I depend on you.
Beppy, Tommy...
come on.
You're the only one
I can trust over there.
And believe it or not, it's important
to me that he's cared for.
All right, let me figure out
how to take care of you.
Maybe you could make more
collections or something.
Thanks, Ton'.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, all right.
All right.
And Friday we have fish,
if you're Catholic,
so that's nice.
Sounds like the Ritz.
Ya gotta see her, Aunt Mary,
she's the belle
of the ball over there.
Here, Ma, rest those dogs.
Hey, what's going on?
Nobody cutting the lawn?
Oh, Madonn'.
Mr. Vitro, the gardener,
somebody beat him up,
broke his arm.
- God forbid.
- Sal Vitro?
- Who beat him up?
- Some men in a Cadillac.
He was mowing a lawn
on Kimball Street.
The man said he didn't want him
in the neighborhood.
Poor Sal, what a nice man he is.
He put my garbage cans out
every time he cut my grass.
What's his name, Aunt Mary?
- Salvatore Vitro.
- Ma, the guy that beat him up.
Man came by and said
he was gonna cut the lawns.
I said, "No,
I want Mr. Vitro."
"E. Gary La Manna,
Landscaping."
- Do you know him?
- Eat your scones.
I'll straighten it out.
95.5, WPLJ in Brooklyn.
- Sorry, we're not open.
- What, not open?
A man in your position turning
away fucking business now?
I didn't know
it was you, Lorraine.
Here ya go.
That's most of it.
Let me ask you a question, Dan.
Say I'm some big nigger standing
here instead of a woman,
you still gonna tell me
you got most of it?
Let's go, chop-chop,
pay the woman.
Phil, hey. I was just
thinking about you.
Those Islander tickets, right?
How about this humidity?
Hey! Hey!
- Guys, please, whatever this is...
- Shut up.
Two times you were told
to kick up to fucking Johnny Sack.
And what do you do?
You kick up to Little Carmine?
- Tape her.
- No! No!
Little Carmine, he was
my father's friend!
Philly, Joey, look...
okay, okay, okay.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I'll pay you, okay?
I'll do anything you want.
I'll suck your cock, okay?
All of you guys!
- You'll suck our cocks?
- Yeah!
She any good?
What am I asking you for?
You probably showed her how.
- Shut up.
- Please, guys.
Relax.
This'll muffle the shot.
Adios, you fucking skank.
Hey, look at this, Joey.
Today's her lucky day.
Only made it to the R's.
Next time,
there'll be no next time.
Come on.
Take as long
as you like, no rush.
I've got my "Times Crossword"
and Agnes here will
get you anything you need.
Thanks, Mel.
So how's it being home, Angelo?
Enjoying living
with your daughter?
It's like paradise.
I eat like a pharaoh,
- I got my own room, cable TV.
- I have cable.
My grandson,
he asked me... he says,
how come he never met
his grandpa before?
I said, "Because Grandpa's
been in Special Forces."
First he was afraid of me,
but I said, "Come on,
we'll get some ice cream.
- We'll go to the park. It'll be..."
- Well anyway,
- here we all are.
- Right.
I called you boys because Lorraine
calls me and she said
there's a situation in our family
that's gotten outta hand
- with John and Little Carmine.
- This fucking Johnny,
he wouldn't even let
the maggots get on Carmine
before he's telling me
to kick up direct to him.
Problem is Carmine
never named a successor.
We all assumed it'd be Johnny
'cause the son's down in Miami
with the discos and the whatnot.
He's grabbing
with both hands, John.
This could get ugly.
There's a lotta potential
for bloodshed.
Potential?
They almost killed us.
Jason, men are talking here.
Now you're close to John.
- You have any ideas?
- What are you asking him for?
He never even had the makings
of a varsity athlete.
Your point being what, Junior?
Oh, forget it,
he's just breaking balls.
All right, one thought I had
in the interest of harmony,
maybe there could be
a power-sharing situation.
The Sopranos have two bosses.
That's not all it's cracked up to be,
believe you me.
Let's not get into that
right now, okay?
What I was thinking
was three bosses,
a triumvir-thing,
like Caesar.
- Little Carmine, Johnny and you.
- I'm retired.
You were Carmine's consigliere
for over 30 years.
If it wasn't for that construction beef
down in Yonkers
it'd be you running
that family today.
- Things happen how they happen.
- Think about it.
Doesn't have to be
9:00 to 5:00.
You could still take
your grandson to the park.
Things get heavy, you're just another
voice to weigh in.
And John still does
better financially
than he ever did under Carmine.
There he is.
Salvatore, my Dali.
My aunt told me about it.
I mean, what'd I ever
do to this guy?
They released
these fucks from the can.
Obviously,
he wasn't rehabilitated.
It's my livelihood.
I don't have a yard no more,
Sally, I'm in a condo.
Otherwise, you know,
I'd have ya out there
with your snippers,
even with your bum wing.
My wife, at this point...
she's got me thinking
about going to the cops.
What are you talking about?
Where are you from?
- I don't know what to do.
- You got friends, don't ya?
- I always steered clear of stuff.
- What stuff?
I go, I talk to the guy for ya.
Get you back your stops.
I know him.
Yeah?
So you give me a token,
I don't know, couple percent.
Thanks, Paulie.
This one and the next one.
There he is,
the king of breadsticks.
I'll give you a breadstick up your ass.
Come here, you.
Come on, sit down.
So, how's the kid, huh, Tony?
He's good, you know.
But ask me,
he should've stood with Carmela.
Some men need wives, huh?
Tell you when to shit
- and when to scratch your ass.
- Who needs them, huh?
What can I do for you, Paul?
I got a guy, I think you
may have run into him,
gardener name of Sal Vitro.
Does my aunt's grass.
He says your nephew's moving
into his neighborhood,
- Franklin Parkway.
- His neighborhood?
He's been working there
since back when I lived there.
Anyway, I'm here putting
in a word for the kid.
So do me a favor, huh?
You and your nephew over there, lay off.
- Hey, biscotti?
- No.
You know Mr. Jerry,
the fruit who owns
those hair salons, huh?
He came to me the other day,
he asked me to take
his action on the Knicks.
Jerry's my fucking customer,
for years now.
Which is why I told him no.
This gardener, he cut the hair
on your balls, too?
He's a friend of my Aunt Mary's.
Which is why he don't
belong to nobody.
What do you know about who belongs
to what? You been away 20 years!
- Which entitles me to earn!
- Which entitles you to shit.
In my book, you get points
for staying outta the can.
Good thing for me, then,
that your book don't mean oogatz to me!
What's yours is yours, Paulie,
but what ain't
is anybody else's!
Now do yourself a fucking favor
and get the fuck outta my store!
So are we picking Bobby up,
or is he gonna meet
us at Uncle Jun's?
He took the kids
to the 12:00 mass.
I didn't know he was religious.
At this point he'll try
anything, I guess.
Bobby Jr. started
wetting his bed again.
- Practically every night.
- Bobby came by to see me the other day.
Really?
So we discuss his career,
I'm his wife.
Sometimes he needs a push.
Junior's your uncle too, in case you
wanna play more of an active role...
I try, believe me.
Despite all the work
I have with my own family.
You know, I cook for Bobby
and the kids every night.
I did Sunday dinner at my house,
and now I gotta
prepare the starters
and schlep 'em to Uncle Jun's.
Yeah, Barb's helping out
all the way down from Brewster.
Barbara's kids are normal.
This family stuff,
these Sunday dinners,
they're important, Janice.
Hey, Jan.
Julio?
- Help me get this order?
- Okay.
You know, every day I understand more
and more what Ma went through.
I mean we bitch about her,
but I tell you,
it is less and less a mystery
why she was the way she was.
- She chose to be that way.
- You don't choose that, Tony.
An ungrateful husband,
selfish kids.
- How's that food that Janice prepared?
- Two more minutes.
Artie's re-saut?ing
the mushrooms.
Could I get you a glass of wine,
something to drink?
- No, I'm good.
- I'll have a pinot grigio.
20 minutes, start the shells.
Just redoing the mushrooms,
two minutes tops.
Well relax, I just...
came in to say hello.
- So how you doing?
- Hanging in.
Heard you were over there
at the Motel 6.
My aunt took the house back.
I'm moving in with my cousin
at the end of the month.
Look, if you want,
I'm staying over at my mother's
and the place is empty.
You can bunk with me for a while.
No. Thank you.
I was talking with
my cousin, Tony B,
and he said it's fucking stupid
that we're on the outs.
I'm telling ya, the place
is just sitting there,
two extra bedrooms.
- I don't know.
- Why not?
Artie, we're like brothers.
How long are we gonna
hold a grudge?
- Thanks, Ton'. Thank you very much.
- Yeah, all right.
All right.
Listen, I gotta talk to you
about your linens...
the napkins and tablecloths,
all that shit.
I got something going.
I think I can save you like 70%.
There's been a lot of
progress to the facade.
In some instances,
all of the paint comes off.
Now tell me, what
product is used...
I don't get these old antique houses.
They're grimy looking.
We gonna eat today or what?
Barbara and Tom aren't here yet
with the entrees, Uncle Jun'.
When were they supposed to come?
2:00, I told you
five minutes ago. Here.
Why don't we start on the macaroni?
Everybody come on!
Bolognese has meat,
obviously, the marinara doesn't.
And Barb will be here with the chicken
parm and the veal pizzaiola.
So Anthony, how'd you guys do
against Delbarton last season?
- Not so good, we lost both times.
- It's that line coach.
"Star-Ledger" says Delbarton's gonna
be even tougher this coming year
- with that Chinese kid.
- Your father never had the makings
- of a varsity athlete.
- Oh, what the...?
- What the hell's with you?
- What?
It's not true.
I lettered in football.
- You never played college ball.
- College?
Those guys from Seton Hall
were seven feet tall some of them.
Took an academic leave anyway.
Small hands,
that was your problem.
Oh yeah, Daddy always said that.
That's not the point.
What is it with you and this obsession
with this varsity crap?
The other day you said it.
When I was a kid you told the girl
cousins the same thing, it was hurtful.
- Tony, relax, it's not a big deal.
- It's undermining!
And it's the kinda stuff
I'm teaching my kids not to do.
So I don't wanna hear it again!
End of subject!
Honey, pass me
the ricotta, please.
Hello?
- In here! Hey!
- Hi, sorry we're late.
- The Tappan Zee was a nightmare.
- Checking the trucks again.
Well, sit down and dig into this medley
of pastas that Janice whipped up.
- How you doing, Uncle Jun'?
- I don't like tardiness.
- Let me unwrap these.
- This looks great.
- Thank you.
- So coming down I heard on the radio,
looks like the Jets are gonna grab
that kid from Tulsa, that tight end.
We still get those season tickets,
big brother?
He never had the makings
of a varsity athlete.
- Son of a bitch!
- What?
- Did I just tell you not to say that?!
- Say what?
You don't like the way
I talk, get outta my house!
- Here we go.
- Tony...
No "Tony" shit!
Get your coat, we're leaving.
- I don't have a coat.
- Well then get moving, God damn it!
Will someone please
tell me what's going on?
It's my last Sunday dinner here,
that's what's going on.
Uncle Jun', was that
really necessary?
He's a goddamn hothouse flower,
that's his problem.
Thank you for getting
my TV fixed, Paulie.
It's such a sin.
He fired his Spanish helper.
Took his boy outta college
'cause he couldn't afford it anymore.
He said it's his
last time coming here.
- You speak to the man?
- I'll see you later.
So what's up?
Nothing, I thought
we'd be first in line for opening day.
Peanuts are on me.
Angelo Garepe came to see me.
- Mm-hmm.
- Lorraine Calluzzo reached out.
Fucking twat.
Didn't you fuck her once?
Yeah, a million years ago.
What, is nothing a secret?
Obviously you wanna
maintain stability,
but having Phil Leotardo
smack your shies around,
is that the smartest thing?
I gotta nip this Little Carmine shit
in the bud.
Otherwise I could see
a lot of people start fucking around.
Power vacuum,
the capos bide their time,
nobody's sure who to pay,
so nobody gets paid.
All right, I hear you.
No one likes that cunt anyway.
Any problem, she's "Whack
this one, whack that one".
Never enough body count
for Lorraine.
Fuck her, let her taste
her own medicine!
All right, whatever.
I'll tell you something else.
In large measure,
I blame you for this shit
with Little Carmine.
- What the fuck did I do?
- You legitimized him.
Man of your stature goes to Florida
to see that schmuck?
All right.
Come on, huh?
We both agree that little
Carmine's a fucking asshole,
but the fact is he's got a following
loyal to his old man.
So?
So, Angelo had an idea.
What if...
and he's just floating this
to keep the peace...
Mm-hmm.
What if there was
a power-sharing situation?
- Power sharing.
- You're all in charge equally,
but no major decisions
can be made without a majority of two.
What the fuck?
Hey, this way you're not such
a big target for the feds.
Three of the other families
have this kind of arrangement.
What's this,
the fucking U.N. now?!
- All right forget it! Forget I said it!
- Fuck that!
Everyone deserves
to choose how they feel,
to experience the love,
the joy, the happiness, the passion.
- Where's Junior?
- Upstairs taking a nap.
The garage is open,
his car is gone.
- Where is he?
- I'm telling you, I don't know.
You don't think somebody put
the snatch on him, do you?
When did you see him last?
An hour ago. Two.
I fell asleep.
Maybe he drove to the store.
His wallet's here, his watch.
With his bail, he's not allowed
to leave the house anyway.
Junior.
So when they say
they're not interested,
you say, "You're not interested
in keeping kids off drugs?"
What, Shabazz?
Nobody wants them
Turkish taffies.
You push harder.
What did I tell you about profit margin?
- Where's Johnny?
- We closed now.
- Let me talk to Damiano.
- We rented the hall today.
I'm looking for Johnny Soprano,
God damn it.
Hey, this here's a church.
You can't talk
like that in here.
Get out, go on.
We're working here.
- I wanna see Johnny Soprano.
- Ain't no Johnny here.
- I'm his brother. He owns this place.
- Hold up, now.
Back in the day, this was
an Italian neighborhood.
Some fellas had this place here.
Kept those vending machines.
Well, there ain't no vending
machines here no more.
Come on, fool, go on.
All right, Roberta, thanks.
I'm sorry to bother you.
Bobbi Sanfillipo?
Junior hasn't kept time
with her in years.
- Yeah, I realize that.
- You know, now that I think about it,
Junior was acting a little peculiar
when I got here today.
Said he wanted to see Johnny.
What Johnny?
- His brother?
- I don't know.
Also there the other day,
we were watching the TV,
he thought he saw himself
on one of the programs.
We have got
the dishwashing liquid...
concentrated dishwashing liquid.
No gloves, it's all-natural,
no chemicals.
- Hello?
- It's me.
- Did you drop off the drycleaning?
- Your uncle's missing.
He took his car.
He didn't call you, did he?
- No.
- Where the hell is he?
He's like an old woman.
He's probably gossiping with a neighbor.
Did you check
the Ramirez's next door?
I'm afraid he might've wandered.
My grandfather did this.
Maybe you better call Tony.
I can't just dump this on Tony.
I gotta find him.
I need you to come here
in case he comes back.
- Bobby, I just can't...
- I need your help here! Jesus Christ!
Sometimes I think I love
Junior more than you do!
We may know that there are
five essentials for victory:
One, he will win
who knows when to fight
and when not to fight;
Two, he will win
who knows how to...
- You Gary?
- I'm Jimmy.
Gary's up there.
Hey, come down here!
- What?
- I said get down here!
I wanna talk to you!
- What do you want?
- I'm a friend of Sal Vitro's.
My aunt lives on this street.
So?
So I'm guessing Sal Vitro
used to do this yard.
- A lotta things used to be.
- Maybe so,
but you're gonna make good
on his busted arm.
Oh yeah? Why am I
gonna do that?
'Cause I said so, that's why.
- Eat shit, pal.
- Why don't you take a walk, huh?
Give me your wallet, you prick.
This and the mower's
a down payment.
By next Tuesday I want Sal Vitro's
whole orthopedist bill paid.
Let's call it $1,200.
On top of that,
from now on I get 10%
of whatever you make
in this neighborhood.
- You motherfucker!
- Shut up or I'll give you a crack.
- Time is it?
- Don't worry, we'll take the tunnel.
All right, this meeting today,
we're trying to nail down a new
contractor now with Massarone gone.
- That office park by Troy Hills?
- Listen...
and this is very important...
if any of this shit
with Little Carmine
and Johnny
comes up, you clam up.
- You got it, Ton'.
- Say nothing.
'Cause you say
the wrong thing...
- What?
- Tony, it's me.
Listen, it's your uncle.
He's gone.
- You mean he's dead?
- No, no, no, no.
We think he might've
wandered off.
You know, I didn't
wanna call you
- but it's been a couple hours now.
- Fuck him.
He said he was
going to see Johnny.
You think he might've
meant your dad?
- What?
- He's wandering, Ton'.
He can wander off
the Palisades for all I care.
He's fucking dead to me.
I called you almost an hour ago.
- Where the hell have you been?
- Hello?
I was picking up your daughter.
Stay here, I'm going out.
Where the hell is Tommy?
- I sent him home.
- Oh, wonderful.
He gets the day off,
and I get to wait by the phone.
- It's because of him Junior escaped.
- Dad, can I go with you?
- No.
- Can Janice go and we can stay here?
What'd I tell you
about being impolite?
If anyone cares, I'll be
upstairs lying down.
One hour of television,
then you both finish your homework.
And you, lay off the Snapple.
What galls me is that before
Little Carmine went to Florida,
I was actually close with him.
I was in his wedding party.
Organized his whole
fucking bachelor party...
lesbian show, whores...
fucking disgusting.
Then when they had that kid
with the lung problem,
who you think got him that
doctor on Park Avenue?
Water over the dam, huh?
I had no idea you guys
were that close.
Close? We were
like brothers.
It's a shame that you can't find
a way to work things out.
Give me piece of bread, huh?
Have you thought about this?
Maybe you let him keep Lorraine,
and you take a bigger
piece of his Florida shit, the clubs.
If I wanted to worry
about Florida,
I would move to fucking Miami.
You know, it wasn't
long ago I remember
you used to wait in the car.
And as far as I'm concerned
you should still be there!
- He was just trying...
- Fuck "he was just!"
Everybody's got
a goddamn opinion!
I didn't say nothing, Ton'.
- What the fuck did I say?!
- I'm sorry, T, I just...
Now I gotta un-fuck
what you just fucked up.
Gotta do something nice for Johnny.
Like what?
What the fuck
am I supposed to do?!
You gotta understand, this shit between
Johnny and Little Carmine is bad.
The instability.
But worse comes to worst,
it could work to our advantage.
- How?
- They fight,
we pick up any crumbs
from the fallout.
The odds are that Johnny'll end up
on top, but who knows?
So keep your ears open
and your mouth shut!
Apparently, there's
a new president
at the electrician's union.
Tony sent Chrissy over
there to talk to him.
Something I've always been
meaning to get straight...
Tony calls Christopher
his nephew,
yet sometimes you refer to them
as cousins.
Yeah, right.
See, Chrissy's not Tony's nephew.
Chrissy's Carmela's cousin.
She was first cousin
to Dickie Moltisanti, Chrissy's dad.
But he was always kinda like
a big brother to Tony, Dickie.
So Tony calls
Chrissy his nephew.
- It's an Italian thing.
- Okay.
Although technically,
Tony and Chrissy are cousins.
Joanne Blundetto, Chrissy's mom,
is Tony's cousin
on his mother's side?
But, like way back.
Like from the old country
or something.
- Robyn?
- What?
How much longer am I gonna
have to keep doing this?
Major RICO against Tony Soprano?
Those things take
years to build.
This recent case against
Joe Massino in New York?
It was seven years before
indictments were handed down.
Hello, handsome.
Where you living now?
Around here?
- Do you know me?
- Do I know you?
Jupiter Club on 6th Street?
Caught fire, that place.
Lot of people died.
Do you know my brother, Johnny?
You got all the looks,
I'll tell ya that.
What are you saying?
You and I had relations?
Son of a bitch in a taxicab,
run me right over my foot.
- I have a car.
- Want a date?
I'll give you half and half
in the back seat.
- I want to go home.
- Let me get a ride by the shelter.
I have to find my car.
How you doing?
I don't gotta tell you shit.
See some ID, sir?
Fuck you, copper,
I know my rights.
Hey, take it easy now.
My car was stolen.
I want my lawyer.
- What's his name?
- Mel.
Okay, Mel what?
I see you went out
and forgot your shoes.
- Where do you live?
- Belleville.
Sure you don't want
to tell me your name?
- You're not in any trouble or anything.
- Corrado Soprano.
Tell you what, sir,
why don't you come and get in the car
where it's nice and warm?
We'll try to figure out
how to get in touch
with your lawyer, all right?
Jesus, Uncle Jun', thank God.
- This gentleman reside here, ma'am?
- He's my uncle.
Where have you been?
We were worried sick.
I'll need to see some
identification, ma'am.
- Oh, okay, I'll get my bag.
- His, actually.
Bobby, get Uncle Jun's wallet.
It's upstairs on his dresser.
Uncle Jun', you're freezing.
We found him walking across
Clay Street Bridge in Newark.
Newark?
- Where's your car?
- They stole it.
- Who stole it?
- You know who.
It's him.
Junior Soprano.
- Here ya go, sir.
- Go shit in your hat.
Uncle Jun', stop.
Thank you, officers.
Thank you.
Uncle Jun', did you tell Tommy
- you were going to see my father?
- Of course not.
What are you doing?
Sit!
- I have to use the facilities.
- Bobby, go with him.
God damn it,
I can piss by myself!
Okay, okay.
- I'll open some soup.
- You go out for some exercise,
people give you
the goddamn third degree.
- Hi, Ellie.
- Oh, hello, Louie.
How's the big
slot-machine king?
Oh, I ain't doing that
no more, I'm retired.
Tony, it's me.
- What's the matter?
- It's Uncle Jun'.
They found him in Newark,
in his slippers.
He was looking for Daddy, Tony.
He may have Alzheimer's.
I don't know.
Good, maybe he'll forget
my phone number.
Jesus Christ.
Mozzarella in carrozza.
Still warm.
Artie, we're in the middle
of a family meeting.
I'm not even here.
He's our uncle, Tony. There may be
something seriously wrong with him.
Listen, Janice,
like I told your husband,
- he's fucking dead to me.
- Are you that fragile?
You don't know the half
of it when it comes to us.
And if you're so concerned,
take him to the doctor.
- 'Cause I've had it.
- You're the only one he relates to.
We won't even be able
to get him in the car.
Fuck him.
You reap what you sow.
You sure did.
You think maybe there's a reason
you're living all alone
here without your family?
Whoa.
Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
You're gonna give me
advice on marriage?
You know, Tony, there's a lot I can say
right now that I am not gonna say.
Fuck it! Say it! Say it!
Who gives a fuck?
Think I don't know what
you're doing here, Janice?
Trying to pawn
this shit off on me.
Your whole life... whenever
there's a family problem,
- you shirk your duties or run away!
- Ran away?
- Tibet or fucking Berkeley.
- I was 18 years old!
I was 16 when you left me with our
head case of a mother.
Who you all of a sudden
relate to so fucking well!
I was merely saying...
Free-spirit Janice,
rebel without a cause,
while I sit here
mired in her bullshit
trying to be a good son
while you're off dropping acid
- and blowing roadies!
- Roadies?
- Oh, you don't wanna know.
- That is not true, Tony.
Now you tell him that
that's not true!
Poor fucking Janice,
she's so depressed.
Poor Janice, she can't get up
off the couch
'cause she's so tired
from her Epstein-Barr.
Poor fucking Janice.
Va fongul!
- Why don't we calm down?
- Maybe you were the smart one
'cause you got outta here,
but your hippie string ran out
and now you're gonna do to this man
what you do to every one of 'em.
- Fucking piece of shit!
- You stupid cunt.
Oh, just like your mother, huh?
Now you can do to him
what she did to Daddy!
Cocksucker!
You want more responsibility?
Start with controlling
your wife.
And then from nowhere,
he cracks one kid's head with a shovel
and the other one,
he knocks out of a tree.
He jumped out of the tree and came
at me with a chainsaw.
I got a right
to defend myself, Ton'.
All right, take it easy, relax.
Sal Vitro's been
working the area
since my ma was still
working at Kresge's.
I should be able to help out a kid
from my own neighborhood.
All right, how about this?
Vitro and your nephew
split the area...
east of Dyer is yours,
west of Dyer goes to him.
As for the broken arm...
I don't know, give him $500.
I already told the guy 12, T.
Well there's fucking
compromises in life, Paulie.
All right, make it a grand
for the pain and suffering.
Naturally I want
my taste, retroactive,
'cause this is the first time
I heard about any of this.
It's a new venture.
My nephew's barely on his feet.
I mean, I didn't
want to start kicking up
and pull it back
if it don't work out.
And of course Vitro'll
do your grass too, Ton'.
No charge.
Remind me to talk
to you about that later.
There he is.
Salvatore, my boy.
- How's that pitching arm?
- It's getting there.
Paul, say hello
to Mr. Gaultieri.
That's my middle name, Paul.
So I talked to that guy.
Good news.
I got you 500 for your arm,
and you keep half your area.
- Half?
- It could've been nothing.
Lucky you know me.
West of Dyer's yours,
east belongs to him.
Paulie, my wife's gonna sh...
All right, thank you, Paulie.
Oh, one more thing.
You're gonna have to cut a couple
of lawns on the comp.
Some friends of ours.
Some shot, huh,
the way it hooked?
You got a fucking
horseshoe up your ass.
Mr. Soprano?
Harry Winer, I was
your mother's neurologist.
- I did her work-up from Green Grove?
- Yeah, how you doing?
So I assume your sister
told you I'm treating your uncle.
Oh yeah, yeah, she mentioned it.
- Catch you in there, T.
- Yeah.
I think with the right meds
we can control these things.
- What things?
- The infarcts.
They're akin
to mini-strokes.
He suffered significant brain trauma
the other day. You probably noticed him
acting differently over the past six
months, a year maybe.
Well to tell you the truth, me and my
uncle, we don't talk much anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Don't be, he's a hostile prick.
Well, unfortunately obstinacy
is consistent with his condition.
Impatience, forgetfulness,
particularly with short-term memory.
Do you find he'll ask the same question
every three minutes?
What time it is?
I don't know.
Maybe.
It's frustrating, I know.
Anyway, the last thing I wanted to do
was get in the middle
of a family squabble.
- I just wanted to say hello.
- Well, nice seeing you.
Okay.
All right.
Member of the squirrel family,
the prairie dog makes
its home mainly...
Tommy?
Brought you some fish.
Trying to clean out my refrigerator.
Make sure you form a seal
when you shut that freezer door.
Of the two main species,
the black-tailed prairie dog
is much more widespread,
inhabiting much
of the Great Plains
and the Great Basin.
So how you feeling?
Heard you had a little problem.
What problem?
All right.
But your doctor said
something different.
Who, Kennedy?
Kennedy's your cancer doctor.
I knew that.
You said doctor.
The white-tailed prairie dog
lives at higher elevations,
hibernating
throughout the winter.
Just take your medicine,
Uncle Jun'.
Make you feel better.
Help with your memory.
Believe me, there's plenty
I'd like to forget.
Yeah, you and me both.
- Feech was here?
- Yeah, he came to pay his respects.
What's this I hear,
you ruled against Feech?
- He's an important man.
- Why is he bitching at you about shit?
I'm still the boss
of this family,
despite any arrangements.
Yellow in color,
they often have dark...
These prairie dogs,
they'll sleep during the day.
Oh yeah?
Look, the doctor said you
might not have known
what you were saying.
What are you talking about?
The varsity shit.
So, what else did Feech
have to say?
Getting a new top
on his convertible.
All right, let's assume that you
didn't know what you were saying.
That you forget
you say shit over and over.
Yeah?
Why's it gotta be
something mean?
Why can't you repeat
something good?
There's the coyote.
I mean, don't you love me?