The Sopranos (1999–2007): Season 5, Episode 11 - The Test Dream - full transcript

You must be hungry.

You're not gonna cook, are you?

Just saying, don't trouble yourself.

How about some
Egg Beaters and Tabasco?

That's fine.

Didn't I tell you I hate this
shouting-between-rooms shit?

So? You even gonna look
at the brochure?

- What is it, Sneakers or something?
- Sandals.

It's the jewel of Antigua.

Three sun-filled days on white sand.

I got A.J. on weekends.

So we'll go on Monday.
Get a great rate on an ocean view.

The air is the same temperature
as your body...

so you don't need to wear clothes.
I gotta watch my skin in the sun.

You know, you're getting a divorce,
and I see you less than before.

I didn't say no.

I just want your undivided attention
for once.

Is it so much to fucking ask
for a little bit of atten...?

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, shit.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- I got you. All right. Okay.

I got it. It's out. It's out.

I got it. You're okay. You're okay.

There he is.

- Hey, kid, it's good to see you.
- You finally made the trip out here, huh?

- Tony, this is my oldest, Charlie.
- Nice to meet you.

Walk with me.

- Well?
- You in that suit.

Long way, huh?

He lucked out. Got his mother's looks.

Takes after her, too.

He's in architectural salvage.

Old fixtures, windows, toilets.

Like Sanford and Son?

Didn't I tell you he's quick?

Good for you, Charlie.

And this is some more
for the Joey Peeps thing.

Not all of it.

He's okay.

- Jesus, I did a clean job.
- Fuck it. It's embarrassing.

That's the way Little Carmine and Rusty
are doing things there now. I'm sorry.

But Rusty, I think he bangs
his wife in installments.

This guy was my old man,
my rabbi and my priest rolled into one.

Even though I don't miss a day of it...

the parts with this fireplug
were the best.

Get the fuck out of here.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Spoke to me on account
of your sense of humor.

I'm putting this in a position
of prominence.

Hey. How you doing?

Are you gonna operate on me?

No, it's me, Tony.

They gotta fight infection, that's all.

- My hair.
- Well, the good news is it'll grow back.

The burns are second-degree,
so you don't need a skin graft...

or that hyperbolic chamber.

You're gonna look the same
as you always did.

Fuck you.

All right, one second.

- All right.
- It hurts.

Okay, sit tight. Rest.

They gotta keep you in here a couple
days so it don't get no bacteria in it.

Are you gonna operate on me?

I'm gonna take care of everything.

The doctor bills, a wig, whatever.

Don't worry about nothing.

- Okay? Okay.
- Okay.

I gotta go.

Just put it in there.

I'm gonna get some twine.

- Forget it, I'm not going that far.
- All right.

I know, I know, you fucking...
Come on.

Let's go, move on.

Fucking great.

Listen, I don't know what the fuck
you were looking at...

- Fuck is this?
- Ange.

Sorry about that.

We were on our way to your place,
and Billy sees you drive by.

I tried to get your attention for blocks.

Why didn't you use the fucking phone?
I'm an old man.

I don't see so good in the dark.

Jesus, relax.
Johnny wants to see you.

This late?
Tell him I'll see him tomorrow.

Apparently it's gotta be now.
You know, he's in one of his moods.

- Fine. I'll follow you over.
- Whatever. Let's go.

Don't!

Hey! Jesus, don't!

Phil, please.
Philly, Philly, you know me.

- Philly.
- You couldn't fucking retire?

Philly, for God's sake, you know me!

Look at this shit.

You know the work I just had?

Give me the fucking keys.

Mirsa, you seen today's paper?

Everything in the kitchen, Mr. Tony.

God-fucking-damn it.

- You know this is today's paper?
- Oh, no.

This is today's paper, Mirsa.

That's I'm thinking.

- Why'd you throw it away?
- Oh, no.

Jesus Christ, forget it.

I bake you some enchiladas you like.

Thank you. That's nice of you.

- These are for you. Enchiladas.
- Okay.

I came for my money.

Don't worry, I'll talk to Carlo
and tell him why...

you're kicking up
directly to me this week.

I gotta be careful getting in my cash
on account of the Carmela situation.

She's all over that.

- You buying that WaveRunner?
- No, I'm moving to the Plaza.

My fucking house is falling down
around my ears.

Well, we did good at the casino
last night.

I seriously dread going home.
That fucking Guatemalan.

She forgets her English
when it suits her purposes...

and then she shows up whenever she
feels like with the fucking enchiladas.

So fire her ass. Get a new one.

This is the new one.

I've been in the burn ward
a couple of nights with Valentina.

Poor thing caught herself on fire.

No shit?

She's laying there like a rag doll,
the poor kid.

That smell. Fuck, that burning-hair smell.

Can still smell it.

Jesus, you know that's the last thing
Carmine said before he had his stroke?

He smelled burning hair.

You got a Coke or something?

- Ma, can you get Tony a Coke?
- I'm upstairs!

Jason, Justin, get up here.

- You all right?
- Just got the kids up my ass, that's all.

So you come across any burn victims
at that hospital in the can?

Sure, Aryan guys are always setting
each other on fire.

So, what's she in for?
You know, the future, I mean.

They said she don't need no skin grafts.

Seriously, what the fuck is with you?

I just told you.

You know, the tough part is
this girl is a constant pain in my ass.

I was gonna end it right there,
that night.

And now how the fuck is it gonna look?

That is a tough one.

Why the fuck does this shit
always happen to me?

You know who
I been thinking about lately?

Charmaine Bucco.

Nice set on her.

No, not like that.

Well, maybe like that.

But also, she's a fantastic cook.

She's better than Artie in some ways.
Plus, she's a licensed notary public.

I mean, I'm thinking that
this is the kind of woman I need.

And it almost worked between
me and her, right?

Comic books, juice boxes,
robot crap all over the place.

Get your uncle a Coke
and then your stuff.

I'm taking you back
to your mom's early.

I should take off.

Yeah, you know,
I really gotta run them over there now.

All right. Yeah.

- I'll see you later.
- All right.

- I'll come over to the hotel.
- Yeah.

- Lawrence wedding?
- No.

- Long-term or short-term?
- Can't you just park it?

Here. Keep it out of the horse shit
over there, will you?

Oh, yeah. Beautiful, ladies.

Although you'll be paying cash,
we'll need a credit card...

to secure incidental charges:
minibar, parking, et cetera.

Right.

- Here.
- Thank you.

Oh, Jill, that's so funny.

Very good, Mr. Petraglia.

We have you in a deluxe suite
with a park view.

My name is Sharice...

and along with our
24-hour concierge service...

I'm here to see that
you enjoy your stay with us.

- Great.
- The bellman will show you to your room.

Enjoy your stay, Mr. Petraglia.

Anything else I can do,
press nine, ask for Jes?s.

- For you.
- Thank you, sir.

- Enjoy your stay.
- Thanks.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Whoever you are,
I'd like you to stop this.

Hmmm

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or an elegant deluxe standard room...

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and let them satisfy your every need.

All major credit cards are accepted.

What are you waiting for?

Been trying to reach you.

Angelo got it.

Last night. Probably Phil.

I'm not available right now.

- Don't leave messages on this phone.
- Fuck.

- Hello?
- Who's this?

- It's Dot, who's this?
- It's Tony, looking for Ton.

Oh, he's not here.
He didn't come in tonight at all.

He might be in later, though.
You wanna try his portable phone?

I did.

You see him,
you have him call me immediately.

Okay, will do.

- Hello?
- Yeah, Aunt Quin...

it's Tony, looking for Ton.

- Madonna, I hoped he was with you.
- You heard from him?

Not since he took the kids back
this morning.

- Call me if you hear, you understand?
- Yeah.

- You got my cell?
- Yeah.

What's wrong?

- Yeah.
- You seen my cousin?

No. But I heard about that thing
last night.

The old-timer was a standup guy.

Yeah, well, that's the least of it.

Hold on. Hold on.

- Hey, you call for a date?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Got company?
- Yeah.

- Hold on a second.
- Can I get a drink?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I wanna know the minute he surfaces.
- You got it.

I saw him this morning.
He must have known something.

- He was acting all squirrelly.
- He's got a right to be upset.

After what him and Ange
been through together.

- They were cellmates at Allenwood.
- I don't know, I got a bad feeling.

Don't worry about it.
He ain't that stupid.

Yeah, you're probably right.

We'll let you know if we see him.

You want me to suck your dick now,
baby?

Is that what you want, baby?

What the fuck!

Tony, I'm so lonely.

I miss my Violet.

- What violin?
- Violet, my wife.

She was everything to me.

I'm all alone on the other side.

It ain't right.

Answer the fucking thing.

If it's him, tell him you ain't seen me.

- Tell who?
- The man upstairs.

- Hello.
- We need you to do something.

Like what?

Our friend. He's gotta go.

No problem.

- Don't fuck it up, it's important.
- I know it's important.

He was staring straight at me.

But he didn't look dead.

Any deader than he ever did, anyways.

And he says, "I miss my wife."

Then the phone rings...

and there was this voice.

- They wanted me to do something.
- What?

They wanted me to kill a guy.

It was just a dream, all right?

He must be in heaven.
He said "the other side."

But it was so fucking sad.

Doesn't sound like heaven to me.

Well, you would know more
about it than I do.

What'd you see in me, anyways?

The object is to learn what
you saw in me, not what I saw in you.

One of these days, Alice.
One of these days.

Pow, right in the kisser?

To the moon, Alice!

I remember when you hit me,
it was like, pow, to the moon.

Don't get me steamed, Alice.

And then you choked
the shit out of me!

Yeah, but that's after you were trying
to put a fork in my eye.

No, that was your mother!

Sometimes what happens here
is like taking a shit.

I prefer to think of it as
more like childbirth.

Maybe it is more like childbirth.

You tell me.

I don't have any children.

I died too young.

My cousin does a mean Gleason.

Are you ready
for what you have to do?

No sweat. I did my homework.

- You wanna ride up front?
- No, Dad, I'm fine.

Kid gets sick in the back seat.

You know, douche bag,
I realize I'm dreaming.

I got no opinion one way or the other.

Anybody mind?

What?

Where we going?

Driving you to the job.

Oh, Jesus, you scared me.

And you're not even ready.
We gotta meet Finn's parents.

Why didn't you wake me up?

Is that how you're gonna dress?

My stuff isn't here.

Well, you left your brown suit.

I did?

And we're late.

I had the worst fucking dream.

Tony, we're late.
And we should take separate cars.

Oh, yeah.

Howdy.

You were riding out here the other day,
weren't you?

You speak English?

- Tony.
- What? Give me a minute.

Can you pull yourself away for once?

Your head is filled with this stuff.

It's just that it's...

so much more interesting.

Than what?

Than life.

What, are you kidding me?
It is your life.

Good morning, se?or.

Tell me, what day is it?

What day?
Why, it's Christmas Day, of course, sir.

Christmas Day? Christmas...?
Then I haven't missed it.

The spirits must have
done everything in one night.

- Of course.
- Will you please get dressed?

Of course they can.

Look at you.

All right, let's go.

I'll wait in the car.

I'll wait in the car.

Now what's the matter?

Nothing.

- Are you coming?
- Yeah.

Hi. How are you both?

There you are.
I was getting so nervous.

Hey, babe.

We were about to start
calling the hospitals.

Somebody forgot.

I'd like you to meet Finn's parents,
Mr. DeTrolio, Mrs. DeTrolio.

- How do you do?
- Hi, how are you?

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

We've been enjoying getting to know
your daughter while we were waiting.

So how's the food here?

It's pretty good.

We went to high school
with the owner and his wife.

You two were
high school sweethearts?

So how long can you stay?

Something I have to take care of.

Ohhh

Show them what you have
in your pocket.

With a husband in dental school,
he'll be able to fix your mouth, honey.

Then, for the capper...

Son of a bitch.

We know all about you,
and I think it's great.

Well, that's a relief, huh, Tony?

Speaking of dental school...

people always told us Finn
would never amount to much.

He won't. I think the die is cast.

Yeah, if it wasn't for his tooth-fairy
money, he'd have nothing.

Let's not get into it in front
of other people.

- Well, you're the one that said...
- Never mind.

Please, just drop it.

- Meadow, do you play an instrument?
- I was in chamber singers.

I used to sing in the Navy Glee Club.

You're Annette Bening.

I thought so.

What?

Something bad is gonna happen.

Well...

After I sing,
I can usually use a nice tinkle.

I'll go with you.

I don't want my husband coming out
with just his cock in his hand.

Mine either, believe me.

Oh, that feels good.

You don't do this no more, huh?

No.

Got a good boy out there.

You gonna be able
to come through on the thing?

I did my homework.

Yeah?

Well, the piece wasn't behind the toilet.

- Well, this is real life.
- No, it's not.

This is it.

No! Stop!

I knew this was gonna happen.

Why didn't you stop him?

Please.

You have any idea what you just did?

Tell them what happened 20 years ago.

I can't go into that right now.

What do I gotta count to
before I can get up?

- Tony?
- You're really dead.

But I got kids.

They got kids.

Yo, wasn't that Tony there...

the guy you were supposed to cap
to prevent this from happening?

I don't know.

I guess not.

I don't have a piece.

Annette Bening?

There's something Bugsy about him.

Get him!

Over here.

I'm wiped out.

The fuck you doing to yourself?

What's that noise?

It's those micks outside the hotel
with those carriage rides.

- Tell them to go away.
- Oh, God, Tony.

It's so much better
than when we were kids.

- See, what'd I tell you? The best, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

She likes it when you rub her muzzle.

Think I wanna come home.

There are some
nonnegotiable conditions.

- Like what?
- You can't have your horse in here.

- Why not?
- Are you kidding me?

The smell, and shit all over the place.

I'll clean up after her.

You always say that.

I'll have to think about it.

You're the one brought it up.

I should go.

You didn't take care of that?

What?

Check this out.

Be careful.

I know you're there, Soprano.

Well, come on.
You're gonna do it, do it.

- Well, look at you.
- How you doing, Coach Molinaro?

Me, I'm fine.

What's that you got there?

A bigger dingus
than the one God gave you?

You dumb-ass.

You know, you ought to show
some respect.

- Why?
- Because I'm not some kid anymore.

No.

What did I tell you?

"Cleave yourself away from them bums
you hang with," I said.

Well, I'm in therapy now.

That's a damn shame.

You all listened
to that pismire Arthur Bucco.

He was the worst of the bunch.
I told you that.

Artie owns a restaurant.

- He's doing great.
- Bucco?

Yeah.

The exception that proves the rule.

Oh, you know everything, don't you?

I suppose you blame your father when
you're crying to that shrink of yours.

No, more my mother.

Of course. Even better.

Well, my family was different
than other kids' families.

You know, I'll bet you got that
psychologist wrapped around your finger.

That's what you always told me
I was good at, right?

I also told you, most likely...

you'd take the easy way out.

It hasn't been easy.

I see you on TV.

Oh, yeah?

Some show you put on.

The 5:00 news.

Then you realize I got nothing
to apologize to you for.

Eighteen, 20, 22...

I am a leader.

Got a house worth a million two.

Two kids, wife.

- Twenty-eight... Do you?
- Do I what?

- Have a wife?
- Yeah.

She's got the big house
because I'm successful.

You and I know your little secret.

I only told you I wanted to be a coach
because I liked playing ball.

But I was just shining you on,
because that's what I do.

I told you many times, Anthony,
you were special.

You had smarts, personality,
leadership potential.

All the prerequisites to lead young men
onto the field of sport.

And now look at the stress you live with.

You're not prepared!

You'll never shut me up.

Yeah?

We're sorry to disturb you
at this hour, Mr. Petraglia...

but there's a Mr. Mantovani
to see you.

- He says it's urgent.
- Send him up.

Hey.

Sorry to get you up, but I knew
you'd wanna know right away.

Know what?

Tony B. took out Billy Leotardo.

Yeah.

- Wait a minute, you mean Philly.
- Billy. Phil got winged.

He's in the hospital.

T.B. went ape over Angelo.

Phil's holding his brother
as the kid's dying in his arms.

There's blood all over Phil.

Jesus.

So he knew.

Goddamn him.

He knew what he was gonna do...

and he sat there, right in his
mother's house, and pretended.

Lied right to my face.

I don't know what to say.

Guess T.B.'s fucked, the poor guy.

Poor guy?

We're all fucked.

I'm here for you, whatever.

I know that.

Nice suite, T.

Anyway, thought you needed to know
right away.

You gonna eat that?

- No, take it.
- Thanks.

Right. See you later.

Hello?

Yeah, don't get alarmed.
I'm sorry to call you so early...

but I gotta cancel the fishing trip.

Tell A.J.

- You all right?
- Yeah, yeah.

I had one of my Coach Molinaro dreams.

Oh, yeah?
Were you unprepared, as usual?

Yeah. As usual.

Yeah, Mr. Mol.

I wonder where he is now.

He wasn't such a bad guy.

A bad guy? No.
He actually took an interest in you.

A lot of that was bullshit.

It was just his way of keeping me
from causing trouble.

Make his life easier.

I don't know about that.

I told him in the dream,
I am sort of a coach now.

Yeah, that's a way
of looking at it, I guess.

Is it daylight where you are?

No. Where are you?

Looking out at Central Park.

All the lights are on.

You were in the dream too.

Oh, yeah?

I was on this horse.

Anyway, is Artie all right?

Because in the dream,
he was the only alive guy...

in this car full of dead guys.

I had dinner over there last night.

Who'd you eat with?

Gab and Ro.

That's nice.

Yeah, it was all right.
The veal was very dry.

Is that Esterhaz next door barking?

- Can you hear him?
- Absolutely.

Five-thirty in the morning.

Someone ought to serve
him some veal. ? la strychnine.

- Stop it.
- I'm serious.

Is it light where you are yet?