The Sopranos (1999–2007): Season 5, Episode 10 - Cold Cuts - full transcript
Chris and cousin Tony do some digging to make sure old secrets stay buried, while Janice puts her marriage in jeopardy with her fierce temper.
Fuck this. I'm calling Carlo.
Yeah, they didn't show.
The Vespa scooters.
We gotta wait.
Carlo was furious.
His guys waited by the Hackensack
River all fucking night.
Fucking Vespas never
got into my hands.
This is Port Newark.
Where were your longshoremen?
There's heightened security at the ports.
Al-Qaeda.
Done, Johnny.
I gotta go.
Nice job, Billy boy.
Carlo was told it was a go. If it
didn't happen, how come nobody called?
A lot of things didn't happen
that seem like they happened.
Your cousin didn't whack Joey.
The Vespas never got into my hands.
- Eye on the ball, Keaton! Hustle!
- Come on. Go, Soph!
Hey, Soph is open! She's open!
- Over here!
- She's gotta be at least 11.
Don't put up with that, Lissie!
Careful with those elbows,
number seven!
Hey, out of bounds! Out of bounds!
Lissie, go!
- They're just a bunch of losers!
- Hey, no negatives, you.
Come on, Putts, charge the ball!
Charge it!
Ah!
Foul! That kid tripped my kid.
That's legal.
She was going for the ball.
- She was not.
- Score! Score! Come on!
Your kid is out of control. She's been
tripping and pushing all summer.
Oh, shut up and get out of here.
Don't tell me to shut up.
What are you, crazy?
Please, come on. Somebody!
- How do you like it now, bitch?
- Help!
No, her kid kicked my kid. Get off!
- Cost you a hundred.
- Call.
Sit down. Sit, sit.
I talked to John.
The Vespa scooters came in.
But there was no opportunity to grab
them because of security at the ports.
Jesus Christ. The young crowd
is crazy for these scooters.
He owes me half that fucking load.
- You're not buying it?
- I don't know what to think.
He's getting awfully cute
with his remarks.
All I know is his behavior
at that kid's funeral was a disgrace.
- It's a big part of my livelihood, the port.
- I will say, very interesting timing, T.
You and John had that little chat
at the funeral...
whatever that was.
Suddenly, no Vespas.
All right, I gotta take this.
Take one of Carlo's guys.
Start hanging around down Port Newark.
Find out what the fuck is going on.
The property taxes, I know.
Hello to you too.
I thought you should know
your sister, Janice, got arrested.
- What?
- In Essex County this afternoon...
an incident of sports rage
among soccer moms...
led to the arrest of a Verona woman
with ties to the Mafia.
Our Gillian Glessner was on the scene.
What about it, Gillian?
Think that other mother better go into
the soccer-mom protection program?
Maybe she should, Carl.
It started here
at Summit Avenue Park...
club soccer match.
An altercation between soccer moms...
that sent one mother to the hospital
and one to jail.
Denise McCarthy, a parent,
witnessed the violence.
I just feel so bad for the kids.
Parents taping the match
captured the melee.
- Come on! Somebody!
- How do you like it now, bitch?
Her kid kicked my kid.
Charges are still pending but...
we know that the woman shown here
being taken into custody...
is Janice Baccalieri, sister of reputed
New Jersey mob boss, Anthony Soprano.
Guess you could call it
a Mafia-related hit.
We spoke with psychologist Bela Kakuk.
It's a growing problem in our society.
Psychologists are finding that certain
individuals are particularly prone to rage.
Almost any frustration, inconvenience...
or perceived inconsideration
will set them off.
Motherfucker!
Janice, open the door!
- Where is she?
- It wasn't my fault!
My name was all over the TV...
because of your bullshit!
It's not that simple, Ton.
Apparently, the woman's kid
was picking on Sophia.
Why wasn't she collared?
I am suing the township
for wrongful arrest...
- No, you're not!
- And the YSO.
No, no, you're not!
What you're gonna do is call Neil.
You're gonna plea it down.
You're gonna pay the fine and not turn
this into one of your cause c?l?bres.
Anybody's side but mine.
That bitch is lucky I didn't kill her.
Well, we know that.
What?
- You and your fucking temper, Janice.
- Get out.
This is the end of it.
Get out!
Tony.
I know this looks bad.
But on the other hand,
she called Sophia her daughter.
I don't give a fuck.
All right, I do give a fuck.
But how many times I gotta tell you,
get control of your wife!
Sophia?
Sophia?
I'm so embarrassed.
I don't wanna see
any of my friends again.
Well, when you're a parent, you'll see.
You'll defend your children
like a lion with her cubs.
You're not my parent.
What did you say?
I'm here.
And I try to care very much.
- Now, get to sleep.
- You gonna punch me?
Jan? Can I talk to you?
Sophia, go to sleep.
We'll talk tomorrow. I'm exhausted.
No, now.
What, I don't have a say in things?
Janice, I think you need
professional help.
Oh, I'll be having an extra session
with Sandy, believe me.
Sandy, Sandy. What does she do?
She says you were picked on by your
father and asks you to read screenplays.
I think there's anger specialists.
And I think you should see
a weight-loss specialist.
You don't see it in yourself.
I heard you with Sophia.
You were getting along
much better.
She says one little thing,
and you get nasty.
I'm so sore.
This is not an isolated incident.
They won't let you shop up
at the corner anymore.
Those coffee beans were burnt, Bobby.
You tasted them.
Janice, I like a spitfire type.
I told you.
- But me and the kids can't live like this.
- Like what?
This was a nice house.
Peaceful. I don't know.
There wasn't all this yelling and tension.
How could you understand?
Your dad was a sweetheart...
even when he had emphysema.
My house, it was dog-eat-dog.
Well, be that as it may,
the past and all...
if you don't go to these anger classes
they have or whatever...
this with us ain't gonna work out.
What do you think he clears here?
Two crap tables, blackjack, roulette.
You gotta figure he's grabbing anywhere
from 2500 to 5 G's a night for himself.
It used to be you, didn't it?
Teacher's pet.
- Stop making meatballs, Paulie.
- I'm just saying.
Now you know what I went through.
Okay, it's the same Gina had
at her wedding.
We should see how it looks
on your face.
Chrissy.
What the fuck?
- What's up?
- Hey there, cos.
Guess who called me today.
- How'd you find me?
- Not gonna guess?
- Okay, who?
- Our friend with the orchard.
- No shit. He okay?
- Yeah.
- Sold the place. Moving to Florida.
- He should. Getting on in years.
- Oh, shit.
- You still got your canned peaches there.
I just had the car serviced.
Watch what you say.
I gotta move that shit?
- Again?
- That developer's going up there.
Obviously, it wouldn't be good
for you or our friend...
if somebody opened the canned fruit.
So you and your cousin are
going there to take care of it.
- I'll do it.
- I'm worried about the old guy.
I told you, I'll do it.
The thing is, my old man's
got a few jars up there also.
Could make problems for my uncle.
It's gonna be a lot of work...
which, with Louise around,
can only be done at night.
- That's true.
- This has to be done...
in two weeks, the latest.
Bulldozers are coming.
What, you picking out wedding cakes?
- Yeah.
- Hope you have better luck than I did.
Why, you didn't like your cake?
Your luck's been fucking great
and listen to you cursing it out.
Got something you wanna say?
- All right.
- So call me.
Well, who is this Uncle Pat anyway?
He was a knock-around guy
like Tony's dad.
But they let him retire
to this farm upstate New York.
Sounds funny but it wasn't.
He had the hiccups for, like, a year.
- Jeez.
- Great guy.
Had a daughter
but she lived with her mom.
Us boys each got sent up there summers
when we hit 12 or 13.
He'd school us.
Did he have the hiccups?
No, I told you, that went away.
What, you think it's fucking funny?
He almost committed suicide
because of it.
How would you like it?
Where's my Barneys underpants
with the ventilated cotton?
Still in the dryer.
Tell you one thing.
I need fucking Tony B. up there
like I need a third nut.
God, all this resentment.
He is your cousin.
Yeah? Should have seen him
when I was little.
Him and Tony both.
How they broke my balls...
teased me.
One time, I was spending the summer...
up at Uncle Pat's farm,
just like they used to. I was 11.
They came up... They were, like, 19.
To shoot guns.
They didn't take me with them.
When I tramped through the stickers
and found them...
they said I had to be initiated
into a club...
by being tied to a tree alone
in the orchard for an hour.
I was on that tree until 3:00
in the fucking morning.
I worshipped these two guys.
Tony Soprano, especially.
When he was by himself,
he used to push me on my Big Wheels...
he'd teach me curse words.
When he was by himself.
Where's the Tinactin?
Right on the night table.
And here we are again.
Tony B. goes wrong, and Tony lays
a 200-K-a-year cash cow on him.
Christopher, don't get mad, okay?
I know we kind of touched on it a
couple of times but... You're so unhappy.
What if we left here?
Went far away.
And you went into something else.
- Like what?
- I don't know, like...
Pick up your writing, maybe.
Male modeling.
I'll get back to the writing someday...
but from a position of great wealth.
Far as male modeling,
I'd probably be a success...
but I wouldn't want to be around
those fucking people.
I'm a soldier, Adriana.
When you gonna understand that?
What the fuck!
Carmela.
- What?
- There's no water in the pool.
Yeah, I had it drained.
The electricity costs a fortune.
I can't afford it.
You're the only one who uses it.
I thought we were
getting along better.
So you polluted all the decent lawyers in
New Jersey so they can't represent me?
- You couldn't play fair.
- I'm not the one that wanted it!
Okay, so let's just pretend...
that you weren't begging for it
in millions of ways...
because I am worn out here.
Fucking...
He's a nice kid, Finn.
Right?
Right.
We gonna throw them
an engagement party?
Well, if we can be civil.
She's so young.
Same age we were.
It wasn't all bad.
Last time, I asked you
to jot down one or two situations...
or people that trigger your anger.
So much that when you think about it,
you get angry all over again.
Anybody got...?
Let's give Bradley a chance this time.
My partner parked me in again.
I couldn't find the keys.
- I woke him up, and he starts yelling.
- Describe the feelings.
- I think...
- My stepkids do that all the time.
They leave their bikes in the garage...
and if I wanna pull in,
I gotta get out and move the bikes...
with a car of groceries.
Doris, can't you keep
Billy's bike out of the driveway?
It was a famous commercial
from the '60s.
Bufferin.
Guy has a headache,
and he takes it out on his wife.
Back to Bradley...
I'm trying to get into his actual
physical sensations of anger.
He saw red. Who wouldn't?
She's right. I mean, why is he in here?
Why isn't his roommate in therapy
for selfishness issues?
There are things that are irritating
and annoying and out of our control.
What we can control
is our response to those triggers.
So people just get a free pass?
The whole world?
I told you about my supervisor
checking my work and nobody else's.
- I wonder why.
- Because you're a minority.
- Exactly. That's why I'm in here.
- Uh huh.
- You seem angry about Evelyn's problem.
- It makes me mad.
It doesn't make you mad.
You make you mad.
I come from a biased family,
but I was different.
I put all my faith and my hopes...
into the civil rights movement.
I left home, and I marched.
And for what?
So they could ride around in their SUVs,
blasting that rap shit?
And you can't say anything
because they might have guns?
Wait a fucking minute.
Who's "they"?
If the shoe fits...
This is fucking priceless.
Okay, let's not time travel here.
Let's try to stay in the present.
Janice, you're angry.
Let's stay with that.
What are your actual
physical feelings right now?
I'd like to punch you in the face.
Your hands are clenched.
Did you realize that?
You're provoking me to make a point and
maybe that's your job, but I don't like it.
Look at you. You're not even listening.
- Hello, he's talking to me.
- No.
You and me,
we do most of the talking in here.
The man is trying to say that those
people outside, they do the thing...
but we're the ones that get upset and
start carrying on. That's all he's saying.
The Hudson Valley.
That Legend of Sleepy Hollow cartoon.
Scared the piss out of me as a kid.
Would you mind
watching your shoe?
Oh, sure.
It's a $50,000 vehicle.
I don't want it scuffed up.
Uncle Pat's farm.
When you're 12, 13, man,
it's like fucking heaven, right?
Running around in the woods.
Driving that tractor.
He made me clear the brush by the fence
with a fucking scythe, though.
Yeah, I had to do that. Tony too.
And water his fucking tomatoes
and his
Changed, though, you know, Pat's.
After Louise came back there to live...
it wasn't just you and Pat
and his stories.
They used to call me Ichabod Crane.
- Who?
- Some very sorry people, that's who.
The Carmela front.
Did you two ever discuss
that evening you made love?
It was a one-time deal.
- I've moved on.
- What about the depression?
Your revelation about your cousin...
his prison sentence.
You were very upset.
I haven't had a lot of time
to think about that.
My sister.
She attacked some woman...
at her stepkid's soccer game.
You've mentioned her temper before.
She got charged
with aggravated assault and...
resisting arrest.
Excellent.
Let's talk about that.
- What?
- Rage.
- Why?
- Depression is rage turned inward.
Tell me about the Soprano temper.
Well, the thing is, it's bad for business.
Clouds your judgment.
John, he always had a terrible temper.
- John?
- Gotti.
In the end, I think it hurt him.
See, we forget that in the old days,
the ones that came over...
that started this thing...
they didn't get mad.
They just smiled and nodded
and made sure you got it later.
That's the whole, beautiful point.
You know what they say:
"Revenge is like serving cold cuts."
Yeah, I think it's,
"Revenge is a dish best served cold."
- So, what did I say?
- But why revenge all the time?
Where does it come from, this insatiable
anger you and your sister share?
I wondered how long
it'd take for her to come up.
Your mother? What about your father?
You never saw her
chop off someone's finger.
Told you about that, didn't I?
Yes.
- Oh, Jesus, I wish I hadn't.
- Why?
I dress up nice and everything
when I come here.
Okay, let's stick to the subject.
- Which is what?
- Your own intolerance for frustration.
"Thank you for holding.
Your call is important to us."
If it's so important to you,
answer the fucking phone!
- Stay with that.
- It's a level of bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!
Each idea they come up with
that's supposed to make things better...
makes things worse.
Okay, right. I agree.
"The center cannot hold."
- "The falcon cannot hear the falconer."
- What the fuck are you talking about?
We live in a time
of technological and spiritual crisis.
But you feel you're above all of it.
Certainly above any
inconvenience or annoyance.
And if things don't go your way...
instead of being merely disappointed
or inconvenienced, you blow.
My sister's...
She's taking anger management classes.
You know,
maybe she's on the right track.
Is this something you'd consider?
No.
Well, but I'll admit, it's not good for me,
all this fucking agitation.
Wears me out.
Fucking exhausted all the time.
Where did we start off?
I don't know.
Depression is rage turned inward.
Yeah, yeah.
This is nice.
For inner city kids like me,
this was important.
Inner city? You lived by the
largest shopping mall in Jersey.
It's over now. She's sticking me
in that home in Florida...
and that's the last I'll ever see of her.
- I'll be right down the road, Pop.
I got a beautiful condo.
Thinks she's gonna meet
some old, lonely widower.
Louise, it's time for dessert.
I'm getting it.
And do me a favor.
Be as polite as you are
when it's just the two of us.
We know where Chrissy buried the guy.
But with Uncle Johnny's...
you gotta help us out.
Well...
I'm not exactly sure...
but there was two of them.
The Johnson brothers.
You don't remember where?
It was a long time ago.
We can't excavate
the whole fucking place.
Because you know what
Tony's gonna say.
Let him come up here and dig then.
Please. He's a heart attack
waiting to happen.
That's no joke.
Our bodies are 86 percent water.
His last blood test,
he was 65 percent zeppole.
When he heard the term "pie in the sky,"
he volunteered for the 82nd Airborne.
That's pretty good.
I learned in recovery that he's just
tamping down his feelings, T, by eating.
I should talk to him.
It's a shame, because he
used to be the funnest guy.
When was that?
He's got the world by the balls and acts
like everything's a big imposition.
Being at the top, he's isolated himself.
Yeah, it's just him and his money.
Hello.
- Who is this guy, anyway?
- My first.
Czechoslovakian guy.
This is the second time I'm moving him.
- Come here, you little fuck.
- Guys, wait...
- Come here, you little fuck.
- It wasn't me...
Help! Please, don't kill me.
What the fuck are you running for?
The night of the 12th,
there was a ship from Italy...
with these containers
of Vespa motor scooters.
I don't know anything
about any fucking Vespas!
We know they got here.
What happened to them?
I don't know. I wasn't here.
Well, apparently he says he wasn't here.
Who picked up...
our motherfucking,
cocksucking Vespas?
In two seconds...
this is going up your ass.
It was the guys from New York.
Phil Leotardo and them.
Listen...
thanks for doing this.
- You didn't have to.
- Fuck that. You're my little cousin.
Think I can imagine what you
may be hearing about me.
And what happened in New York.
- All I can say is, there's no truth to it.
- I didn't think nothing.
As for Tony putting me in at the casino,
I knew people were gonna resent that.
But I went away for a long time.
Stood up for this family.
And you, or anybody,
can think what they like...
but I feel I had a little coming to me.
Hey, absolutely.
I was telling Benny the other day.
He was complaining.
And what I said about Tony before?
You know I love him like a brother.
I love him too.
We saw the guy down the pier.
John has the Vespas.
And to think of how
supportive you were of him.
- The whole little Carmine fiasco.
- It's fucking payback.
Johnny has it in his head that my cousin
had something to do with Joey Peeps.
Johnny should be out looking
for the real killers...
instead of spending
his time on that golf course.
A whole fucking shipment of cheese
coming in next month.
The imported provolone.
I guess we can kiss that
goodbye too now, right?
Motherfucker!
Carmela, hi. What are you doing here?
My son is a senior here now. We were
electing party chairs for senior night.
Oh, right.
So how are you?
- Fine.
- You were pretty upset when you left...
and I wanted to call.
I began to rue what happened,
and I was probably a little...
I'm going back with my husband.
Oh, well, that's good.
Well, all the best.
You don't drink no more?
Clean and sober 14 months.
Yeah, your mother has that problem.
Good for you.
That's right.
What?
The Johnson brothers' bodies.
I know where they are.
Over by the fence
in the northwest corner...
because that night
I noticed one of my pickers...
had stuck a Swiss Colony bottle
upside down on one of the fence posts.
I was goddamn mad they
were drinking on the job, I'll tell you.
It's still there, the glass bottle.
- Are you fucking sure?
- Lunch!
- Look what I got for you.
- Thank you.
- Sandwich?
- Oh, very good.
- Here, Pop.
- Oh, thank you.
- Beautiful.
- For you.
This is mail from
three fucking weeks ago.
The girl didn't even show up today.
Call the service and get somebody new.
Two classes, she's telling people
how to run their life.
Don't let it stop you from taking
your kids to the rink.
You have every right to be mad at me...
and I apologize.
I know it's bad for the family.
For... For business.
But I'm working on it.
Yeah, I know. Bobby told me.
- So how's that going?
- Anger management?
It's the best thing
that ever happened to me.
It's such a relief to let go
of all that shit. And...
I never realized what
an angry person I was and...
how it fed itself.
So they got you on tranquilizers?
No.
Basically...
it's taking responsibility
for your anger...
and, you know, learning to recognize
your feelings of anger...
and that they're just feelings.
You don't have to act on them.
People want that
so they can walk all over you.
A lot of anger is self-importance.
- Self-importance?
- Problems with authority.
Dr. Seepman locks
the door promptly at 7.
People wig out if they don't get in.
Start banging on the door.
It's a big lesson.
I was making everybody
in my life miserable.
Yelling and screaming or pouting
and feeling victimized...
but I feel so much better now.
About everything.
It's like this great
sadness is beginning to lift.
- Sadness?
- Yeah.
Well, I'm happy for you.
Thank you.
I am.
Your bid, Chrissy.
You expecting someone?
There he is.
My God, I don't believe it.
Who's that, Anthony?
What's the matter? You all right?
God, you're big.
Look at those shoulders.
- Jan sends her love. And Bob too.
- Did you eat?
Louise, don't ask him. He's a guest.
Just go get him a plate.
Sit down.
You look good.
Feel good.
So how we doing?
Took care of mine last night.
The Johnson brothers, we'll get tonight.
Uncle Pat was like Johnny Mnemonic.
Right, Uncle Pat?
We're playing pinochle. Take a hand.
- This is the life, huh?
- I'm with you.
Yeah, we were just saying that.
Here's to a job well done.
This place hasn't changed much, huh?
Met some pretty nice college
girls the other night, huh, Ton?
She liked you. Miss Raven-Hair.
- Pat seems good, huh?
- Yeah.
Louise seems fat.
The human body is 86 percent water.
But Louise's last blood test,
she was 65 percent zeppole.
That's a good one.
I knew a guy. When he was
gonna eat Philly cheese steak...
the mayor of Philly would have
to call out the National Guard.
What the fuck's so funny about that?
Doesn't even make sense.
Well, he's drunk.
Him? No way.
He's in recovery.
Well, if you recover your
fucking balls, give us a call.
We might like to hang out.
No, seriously, it's not funny.
He's... He's a 12-stepper. Right?
Well, yeah. You know that. That's right.
Maybe he could take a couple of steps
out the door so we could have some fun.
Come on, don't get pissy now.
He's just having a joke. That's all.
Sobriety's hard enough work
without having to get mocked for it.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Why don't you have
a fucking drink?
Because you're driving
everybody crazy with this shit.
The fucking higher power
yammering and the sweets...
and the key lime pie and the... Jesus.
Order a fucking bull shot,
will you? Do me a favor.
I'm sorry. I...
- Didn't realize I was being a jerk off.
- No, no.
- No, no, no.
- Look, it's just, you know, come on.
Hey, you're doing the right thing.
You're doing the right thing.
Do you like his car? Schwarzenegger's.
Pretty fucking great, huh?
Oh, yeah, the Humvee, yeah.
Yeah, it's nice.
Kind of steep, though.
You told me you didn't pay.
You gave the guy a hum job.
For the Humvee.
- Maybe he'd like to hum me.
- Who, a friend of Bill over here?
- Fucking wits over here.
- Bill? I'll say.
That? That's not a bill, that's a beak.
You know...
that was you he made that joke
about the zeppole content.
On the way home,
we can drop him off at Beakskill.
Well, if beaks could kill,
that one certainly would.
You know, I could have
called you Ichabod Crane.
But I didn't.
What the fuck's he talking about?
Ichabod Crane?
Nothing.
Well, here's to the Johnson brothers...
whoever the fuck they were.
- Johnson brothers.
- Johnson brothers.
Back pain? Is your pain...
carrying case and are ergonomically...
Port Newark in New Jersey...
Ninety-five...
but one example.
Six million containers enter
U.S. ports every year...
yet fewer than 2 percent of them are
opened and inspected by U.S. Customs.
It is physically impossible to check
every container without essentially...
stopping global commerce.
But what keeps officials
from sleeping at night they say...
is terrorists could
use shipping containers...
to smuggle in a weapon
of mass destruction.
It is within capabilities of
Islamic fundamentalists...
to track a container with a
global positioning system...
and detonate a nuclear
or biological weapon hidden inside.
- Son of a bitch.
- In fact a terrorist could even use...
a shipping container
to smuggle himself into the country.
There he is.
What I saw on TV last night...
the ports are wide open.
Government's not doing shit.
- Louise, where's my butter substitute?
- Right in front of you.
You hear what I just said?
I knew it was bad...
but do you realize there's
7 million containers?
The news team put
radioactive shit in one of them.
- Wasn't even detected.
- Please, my ears.
Sit down. Sit. Come on.
I made eggs.
Could have been a goddamn A-bomb.
- You want coffee?
- Yeah.
Fucking terrible nightmares.
Yeah, it knocked the edge
right the hell off your appetite.
- What's the matter with you?
- No, it is some scary shit.
Not my problem much longer.
Speaking of scary shit, was that you
in the bathroom this morning?
Oh, yeah. I thought they already
dropped a biological weapon.
All right, I gotta go.
I thought we were gonna
do a little hunting.
- You hear the turkeys this morning?
- No, I gotta take off.
Uncle Pat, take care of yourself.
Be careful of the alligators down there.
All right, tough guy.
Hey, Ton. What'd you do?
Knock over a roadside stand?
My uncle's farm.
Less than a hundred miles from here.
It's like a whole different world.
The bullshit really falls away up there.
Hear about that shit with the ports?
I know customs agents are bad for us,
but anti-terrorism-wise, they do nothing.
What's it gonna take?
A fucking nuclear bomb?
They caught one of these Al-Qaeda
cocksuckers trying to sneak in here.
- Thank God they got him.
- There's enough they don't catch.
You gotta realize the
administration's busy, though, too.
Handing out non-competitive
building contracts to their friends.
Hell, we can all understand that.
We're fucking sitting ducks here.
The only thing between our homes...
and Port Newark is a chainlink fence.
There's a nuclear bomb in a
container and we're fucking dead.
That's why you gotta live for today.
- What'd you say?
- That's why you gotta live for today.
Talking about annihilation,
you stupid fuck!
Your kids! My kids!
Burning into cinders!
I can't even think about it.
You stupid...
Can't even fucking think about it.
Think about it now.
Thinking about it now?
- Right now?
- Hey, Tony.
Yeah, yeah, take it easy.
Take it easy. Take a walk.
- Get some air.
- Take it easy.
- Take a walk outside.
- Take it easy.
All right, everybody.
- Take it easy. Take it easy.
- Come on.
- I wake you up?
- Yeah.
I just come from the hospital.
You said you wanted to know.
Oh, how's he doing?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
Doctor has a peel at 1.
- Hi.
- How you doing, hon?
- Call me?
- Yeah.
Bye.
- See you later.
- That the dermatology nurse?
- Yeah.
- Nice looking.
Well, they get the best
skin treatments half-price.
So, what'd they say?
He's gonna be okay, the kid?
He's big, strapping. He'll be all right.
But he's got some hearing loss in one
ear. Looks like it could be permanent.
Skip, the poor fuck knows
he should keep his mouth shut.
Go over there.
You make sure he gets the best.
Thing is, Ton, he's quitting the Bing.
And he told Sil, "And I'd appreciate
it if Tony don't come visit me."
He don't wanna see you.
I told him, watch his mouth.
These things happen, T.
That's why I don't like to talk politics.
- You did?
- Please, I couldn't believe it myself.
- Well, are you going back with Tony?
- No.
- Then why'd you say it?
- I don't know, it just came out.
Asshole. He was gonna call me.
- Did he?
- Jerk.
Come in.
Hi.
Uncle Pat.
- Where's A.J?
- He's not coming.
You lose them to their friends
for a bit but he'll be back.
- Hi, Uncle Ton.
- Hey.
Soph?
- Before dinner?
- Half?
- Thank you.
- Mahatma Gandhi over here. Nice.
- Hey, Tony.
- Hey.
- I thought I heard your voice.
- Hello?
- Good game on later.
- Yeah?
I think we're on the "Do not call" list.
No, no, we're happy with our service.
Are those telemarketers?
Just hang up. Hang up!
We're just sitting down to dinner.
Okay. Please don't call again.
Thank you, thank you.
Bobby, Soph, come on.
It's a G5. It's got a 64-bit architecture.
They speak a different
language with computers.
I saw a show on computers,
how the prices have dropped so low...
that you can buy one for $500
at Costco, that's more powerful...
than the one that they used
to put the astronauts on the moon.
Good eggplant, Jan.
Yeah, delicious.
Wonder where Harpo's eating
his Sunday dinner?
What?
- Just wondering what Harpo's up to.
- Who's Harpo?
That's Hal, Janice's son.
- You have a son?
- You didn't tell us that.
You know that song,
"Harpo's Song" by Phoebe Snow?
Because that's the song
you named Harpo after, right?
He's half French-Canadian, Harpo.
All right, Tony,
make fun of a boy because of his name.
I wonder what's French-Canadian for
"I grew up without a mother"?
Sacre bleu, where is me mama?
Son of a bitch.
You fucking son of a bitch!
- Come on!
- Daddy!
- Daddy!
- You miserable fuck!
I don't got a right to ask?
I'm the boy's uncle.
Easy, sweetie, easy.
Easy, sweetie, easy.
Hate him. I hate him...
Yeah, they didn't show.
The Vespa scooters.
We gotta wait.
Carlo was furious.
His guys waited by the Hackensack
River all fucking night.
Fucking Vespas never
got into my hands.
This is Port Newark.
Where were your longshoremen?
There's heightened security at the ports.
Al-Qaeda.
Done, Johnny.
I gotta go.
Nice job, Billy boy.
Carlo was told it was a go. If it
didn't happen, how come nobody called?
A lot of things didn't happen
that seem like they happened.
Your cousin didn't whack Joey.
The Vespas never got into my hands.
- Eye on the ball, Keaton! Hustle!
- Come on. Go, Soph!
Hey, Soph is open! She's open!
- Over here!
- She's gotta be at least 11.
Don't put up with that, Lissie!
Careful with those elbows,
number seven!
Hey, out of bounds! Out of bounds!
Lissie, go!
- They're just a bunch of losers!
- Hey, no negatives, you.
Come on, Putts, charge the ball!
Charge it!
Ah!
Foul! That kid tripped my kid.
That's legal.
She was going for the ball.
- She was not.
- Score! Score! Come on!
Your kid is out of control. She's been
tripping and pushing all summer.
Oh, shut up and get out of here.
Don't tell me to shut up.
What are you, crazy?
Please, come on. Somebody!
- How do you like it now, bitch?
- Help!
No, her kid kicked my kid. Get off!
- Cost you a hundred.
- Call.
Sit down. Sit, sit.
I talked to John.
The Vespa scooters came in.
But there was no opportunity to grab
them because of security at the ports.
Jesus Christ. The young crowd
is crazy for these scooters.
He owes me half that fucking load.
- You're not buying it?
- I don't know what to think.
He's getting awfully cute
with his remarks.
All I know is his behavior
at that kid's funeral was a disgrace.
- It's a big part of my livelihood, the port.
- I will say, very interesting timing, T.
You and John had that little chat
at the funeral...
whatever that was.
Suddenly, no Vespas.
All right, I gotta take this.
Take one of Carlo's guys.
Start hanging around down Port Newark.
Find out what the fuck is going on.
The property taxes, I know.
Hello to you too.
I thought you should know
your sister, Janice, got arrested.
- What?
- In Essex County this afternoon...
an incident of sports rage
among soccer moms...
led to the arrest of a Verona woman
with ties to the Mafia.
Our Gillian Glessner was on the scene.
What about it, Gillian?
Think that other mother better go into
the soccer-mom protection program?
Maybe she should, Carl.
It started here
at Summit Avenue Park...
club soccer match.
An altercation between soccer moms...
that sent one mother to the hospital
and one to jail.
Denise McCarthy, a parent,
witnessed the violence.
I just feel so bad for the kids.
Parents taping the match
captured the melee.
- Come on! Somebody!
- How do you like it now, bitch?
Her kid kicked my kid.
Charges are still pending but...
we know that the woman shown here
being taken into custody...
is Janice Baccalieri, sister of reputed
New Jersey mob boss, Anthony Soprano.
Guess you could call it
a Mafia-related hit.
We spoke with psychologist Bela Kakuk.
It's a growing problem in our society.
Psychologists are finding that certain
individuals are particularly prone to rage.
Almost any frustration, inconvenience...
or perceived inconsideration
will set them off.
Motherfucker!
Janice, open the door!
- Where is she?
- It wasn't my fault!
My name was all over the TV...
because of your bullshit!
It's not that simple, Ton.
Apparently, the woman's kid
was picking on Sophia.
Why wasn't she collared?
I am suing the township
for wrongful arrest...
- No, you're not!
- And the YSO.
No, no, you're not!
What you're gonna do is call Neil.
You're gonna plea it down.
You're gonna pay the fine and not turn
this into one of your cause c?l?bres.
Anybody's side but mine.
That bitch is lucky I didn't kill her.
Well, we know that.
What?
- You and your fucking temper, Janice.
- Get out.
This is the end of it.
Get out!
Tony.
I know this looks bad.
But on the other hand,
she called Sophia her daughter.
I don't give a fuck.
All right, I do give a fuck.
But how many times I gotta tell you,
get control of your wife!
Sophia?
Sophia?
I'm so embarrassed.
I don't wanna see
any of my friends again.
Well, when you're a parent, you'll see.
You'll defend your children
like a lion with her cubs.
You're not my parent.
What did you say?
I'm here.
And I try to care very much.
- Now, get to sleep.
- You gonna punch me?
Jan? Can I talk to you?
Sophia, go to sleep.
We'll talk tomorrow. I'm exhausted.
No, now.
What, I don't have a say in things?
Janice, I think you need
professional help.
Oh, I'll be having an extra session
with Sandy, believe me.
Sandy, Sandy. What does she do?
She says you were picked on by your
father and asks you to read screenplays.
I think there's anger specialists.
And I think you should see
a weight-loss specialist.
You don't see it in yourself.
I heard you with Sophia.
You were getting along
much better.
She says one little thing,
and you get nasty.
I'm so sore.
This is not an isolated incident.
They won't let you shop up
at the corner anymore.
Those coffee beans were burnt, Bobby.
You tasted them.
Janice, I like a spitfire type.
I told you.
- But me and the kids can't live like this.
- Like what?
This was a nice house.
Peaceful. I don't know.
There wasn't all this yelling and tension.
How could you understand?
Your dad was a sweetheart...
even when he had emphysema.
My house, it was dog-eat-dog.
Well, be that as it may,
the past and all...
if you don't go to these anger classes
they have or whatever...
this with us ain't gonna work out.
What do you think he clears here?
Two crap tables, blackjack, roulette.
You gotta figure he's grabbing anywhere
from 2500 to 5 G's a night for himself.
It used to be you, didn't it?
Teacher's pet.
- Stop making meatballs, Paulie.
- I'm just saying.
Now you know what I went through.
Okay, it's the same Gina had
at her wedding.
We should see how it looks
on your face.
Chrissy.
What the fuck?
- What's up?
- Hey there, cos.
Guess who called me today.
- How'd you find me?
- Not gonna guess?
- Okay, who?
- Our friend with the orchard.
- No shit. He okay?
- Yeah.
- Sold the place. Moving to Florida.
- He should. Getting on in years.
- Oh, shit.
- You still got your canned peaches there.
I just had the car serviced.
Watch what you say.
I gotta move that shit?
- Again?
- That developer's going up there.
Obviously, it wouldn't be good
for you or our friend...
if somebody opened the canned fruit.
So you and your cousin are
going there to take care of it.
- I'll do it.
- I'm worried about the old guy.
I told you, I'll do it.
The thing is, my old man's
got a few jars up there also.
Could make problems for my uncle.
It's gonna be a lot of work...
which, with Louise around,
can only be done at night.
- That's true.
- This has to be done...
in two weeks, the latest.
Bulldozers are coming.
What, you picking out wedding cakes?
- Yeah.
- Hope you have better luck than I did.
Why, you didn't like your cake?
Your luck's been fucking great
and listen to you cursing it out.
Got something you wanna say?
- All right.
- So call me.
Well, who is this Uncle Pat anyway?
He was a knock-around guy
like Tony's dad.
But they let him retire
to this farm upstate New York.
Sounds funny but it wasn't.
He had the hiccups for, like, a year.
- Jeez.
- Great guy.
Had a daughter
but she lived with her mom.
Us boys each got sent up there summers
when we hit 12 or 13.
He'd school us.
Did he have the hiccups?
No, I told you, that went away.
What, you think it's fucking funny?
He almost committed suicide
because of it.
How would you like it?
Where's my Barneys underpants
with the ventilated cotton?
Still in the dryer.
Tell you one thing.
I need fucking Tony B. up there
like I need a third nut.
God, all this resentment.
He is your cousin.
Yeah? Should have seen him
when I was little.
Him and Tony both.
How they broke my balls...
teased me.
One time, I was spending the summer...
up at Uncle Pat's farm,
just like they used to. I was 11.
They came up... They were, like, 19.
To shoot guns.
They didn't take me with them.
When I tramped through the stickers
and found them...
they said I had to be initiated
into a club...
by being tied to a tree alone
in the orchard for an hour.
I was on that tree until 3:00
in the fucking morning.
I worshipped these two guys.
Tony Soprano, especially.
When he was by himself,
he used to push me on my Big Wheels...
he'd teach me curse words.
When he was by himself.
Where's the Tinactin?
Right on the night table.
And here we are again.
Tony B. goes wrong, and Tony lays
a 200-K-a-year cash cow on him.
Christopher, don't get mad, okay?
I know we kind of touched on it a
couple of times but... You're so unhappy.
What if we left here?
Went far away.
And you went into something else.
- Like what?
- I don't know, like...
Pick up your writing, maybe.
Male modeling.
I'll get back to the writing someday...
but from a position of great wealth.
Far as male modeling,
I'd probably be a success...
but I wouldn't want to be around
those fucking people.
I'm a soldier, Adriana.
When you gonna understand that?
What the fuck!
Carmela.
- What?
- There's no water in the pool.
Yeah, I had it drained.
The electricity costs a fortune.
I can't afford it.
You're the only one who uses it.
I thought we were
getting along better.
So you polluted all the decent lawyers in
New Jersey so they can't represent me?
- You couldn't play fair.
- I'm not the one that wanted it!
Okay, so let's just pretend...
that you weren't begging for it
in millions of ways...
because I am worn out here.
Fucking...
He's a nice kid, Finn.
Right?
Right.
We gonna throw them
an engagement party?
Well, if we can be civil.
She's so young.
Same age we were.
It wasn't all bad.
Last time, I asked you
to jot down one or two situations...
or people that trigger your anger.
So much that when you think about it,
you get angry all over again.
Anybody got...?
Let's give Bradley a chance this time.
My partner parked me in again.
I couldn't find the keys.
- I woke him up, and he starts yelling.
- Describe the feelings.
- I think...
- My stepkids do that all the time.
They leave their bikes in the garage...
and if I wanna pull in,
I gotta get out and move the bikes...
with a car of groceries.
Doris, can't you keep
Billy's bike out of the driveway?
It was a famous commercial
from the '60s.
Bufferin.
Guy has a headache,
and he takes it out on his wife.
Back to Bradley...
I'm trying to get into his actual
physical sensations of anger.
He saw red. Who wouldn't?
She's right. I mean, why is he in here?
Why isn't his roommate in therapy
for selfishness issues?
There are things that are irritating
and annoying and out of our control.
What we can control
is our response to those triggers.
So people just get a free pass?
The whole world?
I told you about my supervisor
checking my work and nobody else's.
- I wonder why.
- Because you're a minority.
- Exactly. That's why I'm in here.
- Uh huh.
- You seem angry about Evelyn's problem.
- It makes me mad.
It doesn't make you mad.
You make you mad.
I come from a biased family,
but I was different.
I put all my faith and my hopes...
into the civil rights movement.
I left home, and I marched.
And for what?
So they could ride around in their SUVs,
blasting that rap shit?
And you can't say anything
because they might have guns?
Wait a fucking minute.
Who's "they"?
If the shoe fits...
This is fucking priceless.
Okay, let's not time travel here.
Let's try to stay in the present.
Janice, you're angry.
Let's stay with that.
What are your actual
physical feelings right now?
I'd like to punch you in the face.
Your hands are clenched.
Did you realize that?
You're provoking me to make a point and
maybe that's your job, but I don't like it.
Look at you. You're not even listening.
- Hello, he's talking to me.
- No.
You and me,
we do most of the talking in here.
The man is trying to say that those
people outside, they do the thing...
but we're the ones that get upset and
start carrying on. That's all he's saying.
The Hudson Valley.
That Legend of Sleepy Hollow cartoon.
Scared the piss out of me as a kid.
Would you mind
watching your shoe?
Oh, sure.
It's a $50,000 vehicle.
I don't want it scuffed up.
Uncle Pat's farm.
When you're 12, 13, man,
it's like fucking heaven, right?
Running around in the woods.
Driving that tractor.
He made me clear the brush by the fence
with a fucking scythe, though.
Yeah, I had to do that. Tony too.
And water his fucking tomatoes
and his
Changed, though, you know, Pat's.
After Louise came back there to live...
it wasn't just you and Pat
and his stories.
They used to call me Ichabod Crane.
- Who?
- Some very sorry people, that's who.
The Carmela front.
Did you two ever discuss
that evening you made love?
It was a one-time deal.
- I've moved on.
- What about the depression?
Your revelation about your cousin...
his prison sentence.
You were very upset.
I haven't had a lot of time
to think about that.
My sister.
She attacked some woman...
at her stepkid's soccer game.
You've mentioned her temper before.
She got charged
with aggravated assault and...
resisting arrest.
Excellent.
Let's talk about that.
- What?
- Rage.
- Why?
- Depression is rage turned inward.
Tell me about the Soprano temper.
Well, the thing is, it's bad for business.
Clouds your judgment.
John, he always had a terrible temper.
- John?
- Gotti.
In the end, I think it hurt him.
See, we forget that in the old days,
the ones that came over...
that started this thing...
they didn't get mad.
They just smiled and nodded
and made sure you got it later.
That's the whole, beautiful point.
You know what they say:
"Revenge is like serving cold cuts."
Yeah, I think it's,
"Revenge is a dish best served cold."
- So, what did I say?
- But why revenge all the time?
Where does it come from, this insatiable
anger you and your sister share?
I wondered how long
it'd take for her to come up.
Your mother? What about your father?
You never saw her
chop off someone's finger.
Told you about that, didn't I?
Yes.
- Oh, Jesus, I wish I hadn't.
- Why?
I dress up nice and everything
when I come here.
Okay, let's stick to the subject.
- Which is what?
- Your own intolerance for frustration.
"Thank you for holding.
Your call is important to us."
If it's so important to you,
answer the fucking phone!
- Stay with that.
- It's a level of bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!
Each idea they come up with
that's supposed to make things better...
makes things worse.
Okay, right. I agree.
"The center cannot hold."
- "The falcon cannot hear the falconer."
- What the fuck are you talking about?
We live in a time
of technological and spiritual crisis.
But you feel you're above all of it.
Certainly above any
inconvenience or annoyance.
And if things don't go your way...
instead of being merely disappointed
or inconvenienced, you blow.
My sister's...
She's taking anger management classes.
You know,
maybe she's on the right track.
Is this something you'd consider?
No.
Well, but I'll admit, it's not good for me,
all this fucking agitation.
Wears me out.
Fucking exhausted all the time.
Where did we start off?
I don't know.
Depression is rage turned inward.
Yeah, yeah.
This is nice.
For inner city kids like me,
this was important.
Inner city? You lived by the
largest shopping mall in Jersey.
It's over now. She's sticking me
in that home in Florida...
and that's the last I'll ever see of her.
- I'll be right down the road, Pop.
I got a beautiful condo.
Thinks she's gonna meet
some old, lonely widower.
Louise, it's time for dessert.
I'm getting it.
And do me a favor.
Be as polite as you are
when it's just the two of us.
We know where Chrissy buried the guy.
But with Uncle Johnny's...
you gotta help us out.
Well...
I'm not exactly sure...
but there was two of them.
The Johnson brothers.
You don't remember where?
It was a long time ago.
We can't excavate
the whole fucking place.
Because you know what
Tony's gonna say.
Let him come up here and dig then.
Please. He's a heart attack
waiting to happen.
That's no joke.
Our bodies are 86 percent water.
His last blood test,
he was 65 percent zeppole.
When he heard the term "pie in the sky,"
he volunteered for the 82nd Airborne.
That's pretty good.
I learned in recovery that he's just
tamping down his feelings, T, by eating.
I should talk to him.
It's a shame, because he
used to be the funnest guy.
When was that?
He's got the world by the balls and acts
like everything's a big imposition.
Being at the top, he's isolated himself.
Yeah, it's just him and his money.
Hello.
- Who is this guy, anyway?
- My first.
Czechoslovakian guy.
This is the second time I'm moving him.
- Come here, you little fuck.
- Guys, wait...
- Come here, you little fuck.
- It wasn't me...
Help! Please, don't kill me.
What the fuck are you running for?
The night of the 12th,
there was a ship from Italy...
with these containers
of Vespa motor scooters.
I don't know anything
about any fucking Vespas!
We know they got here.
What happened to them?
I don't know. I wasn't here.
Well, apparently he says he wasn't here.
Who picked up...
our motherfucking,
cocksucking Vespas?
In two seconds...
this is going up your ass.
It was the guys from New York.
Phil Leotardo and them.
Listen...
thanks for doing this.
- You didn't have to.
- Fuck that. You're my little cousin.
Think I can imagine what you
may be hearing about me.
And what happened in New York.
- All I can say is, there's no truth to it.
- I didn't think nothing.
As for Tony putting me in at the casino,
I knew people were gonna resent that.
But I went away for a long time.
Stood up for this family.
And you, or anybody,
can think what they like...
but I feel I had a little coming to me.
Hey, absolutely.
I was telling Benny the other day.
He was complaining.
And what I said about Tony before?
You know I love him like a brother.
I love him too.
We saw the guy down the pier.
John has the Vespas.
And to think of how
supportive you were of him.
- The whole little Carmine fiasco.
- It's fucking payback.
Johnny has it in his head that my cousin
had something to do with Joey Peeps.
Johnny should be out looking
for the real killers...
instead of spending
his time on that golf course.
A whole fucking shipment of cheese
coming in next month.
The imported provolone.
I guess we can kiss that
goodbye too now, right?
Motherfucker!
Carmela, hi. What are you doing here?
My son is a senior here now. We were
electing party chairs for senior night.
Oh, right.
So how are you?
- Fine.
- You were pretty upset when you left...
and I wanted to call.
I began to rue what happened,
and I was probably a little...
I'm going back with my husband.
Oh, well, that's good.
Well, all the best.
You don't drink no more?
Clean and sober 14 months.
Yeah, your mother has that problem.
Good for you.
That's right.
What?
The Johnson brothers' bodies.
I know where they are.
Over by the fence
in the northwest corner...
because that night
I noticed one of my pickers...
had stuck a Swiss Colony bottle
upside down on one of the fence posts.
I was goddamn mad they
were drinking on the job, I'll tell you.
It's still there, the glass bottle.
- Are you fucking sure?
- Lunch!
- Look what I got for you.
- Thank you.
- Sandwich?
- Oh, very good.
- Here, Pop.
- Oh, thank you.
- Beautiful.
- For you.
This is mail from
three fucking weeks ago.
The girl didn't even show up today.
Call the service and get somebody new.
Two classes, she's telling people
how to run their life.
Don't let it stop you from taking
your kids to the rink.
You have every right to be mad at me...
and I apologize.
I know it's bad for the family.
For... For business.
But I'm working on it.
Yeah, I know. Bobby told me.
- So how's that going?
- Anger management?
It's the best thing
that ever happened to me.
It's such a relief to let go
of all that shit. And...
I never realized what
an angry person I was and...
how it fed itself.
So they got you on tranquilizers?
No.
Basically...
it's taking responsibility
for your anger...
and, you know, learning to recognize
your feelings of anger...
and that they're just feelings.
You don't have to act on them.
People want that
so they can walk all over you.
A lot of anger is self-importance.
- Self-importance?
- Problems with authority.
Dr. Seepman locks
the door promptly at 7.
People wig out if they don't get in.
Start banging on the door.
It's a big lesson.
I was making everybody
in my life miserable.
Yelling and screaming or pouting
and feeling victimized...
but I feel so much better now.
About everything.
It's like this great
sadness is beginning to lift.
- Sadness?
- Yeah.
Well, I'm happy for you.
Thank you.
I am.
Your bid, Chrissy.
You expecting someone?
There he is.
My God, I don't believe it.
Who's that, Anthony?
What's the matter? You all right?
God, you're big.
Look at those shoulders.
- Jan sends her love. And Bob too.
- Did you eat?
Louise, don't ask him. He's a guest.
Just go get him a plate.
Sit down.
You look good.
Feel good.
So how we doing?
Took care of mine last night.
The Johnson brothers, we'll get tonight.
Uncle Pat was like Johnny Mnemonic.
Right, Uncle Pat?
We're playing pinochle. Take a hand.
- This is the life, huh?
- I'm with you.
Yeah, we were just saying that.
Here's to a job well done.
This place hasn't changed much, huh?
Met some pretty nice college
girls the other night, huh, Ton?
She liked you. Miss Raven-Hair.
- Pat seems good, huh?
- Yeah.
Louise seems fat.
The human body is 86 percent water.
But Louise's last blood test,
she was 65 percent zeppole.
That's a good one.
I knew a guy. When he was
gonna eat Philly cheese steak...
the mayor of Philly would have
to call out the National Guard.
What the fuck's so funny about that?
Doesn't even make sense.
Well, he's drunk.
Him? No way.
He's in recovery.
Well, if you recover your
fucking balls, give us a call.
We might like to hang out.
No, seriously, it's not funny.
He's... He's a 12-stepper. Right?
Well, yeah. You know that. That's right.
Maybe he could take a couple of steps
out the door so we could have some fun.
Come on, don't get pissy now.
He's just having a joke. That's all.
Sobriety's hard enough work
without having to get mocked for it.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Why don't you have
a fucking drink?
Because you're driving
everybody crazy with this shit.
The fucking higher power
yammering and the sweets...
and the key lime pie and the... Jesus.
Order a fucking bull shot,
will you? Do me a favor.
I'm sorry. I...
- Didn't realize I was being a jerk off.
- No, no.
- No, no, no.
- Look, it's just, you know, come on.
Hey, you're doing the right thing.
You're doing the right thing.
Do you like his car? Schwarzenegger's.
Pretty fucking great, huh?
Oh, yeah, the Humvee, yeah.
Yeah, it's nice.
Kind of steep, though.
You told me you didn't pay.
You gave the guy a hum job.
For the Humvee.
- Maybe he'd like to hum me.
- Who, a friend of Bill over here?
- Fucking wits over here.
- Bill? I'll say.
That? That's not a bill, that's a beak.
You know...
that was you he made that joke
about the zeppole content.
On the way home,
we can drop him off at Beakskill.
Well, if beaks could kill,
that one certainly would.
You know, I could have
called you Ichabod Crane.
But I didn't.
What the fuck's he talking about?
Ichabod Crane?
Nothing.
Well, here's to the Johnson brothers...
whoever the fuck they were.
- Johnson brothers.
- Johnson brothers.
Back pain? Is your pain...
carrying case and are ergonomically...
Port Newark in New Jersey...
Ninety-five...
but one example.
Six million containers enter
U.S. ports every year...
yet fewer than 2 percent of them are
opened and inspected by U.S. Customs.
It is physically impossible to check
every container without essentially...
stopping global commerce.
But what keeps officials
from sleeping at night they say...
is terrorists could
use shipping containers...
to smuggle in a weapon
of mass destruction.
It is within capabilities of
Islamic fundamentalists...
to track a container with a
global positioning system...
and detonate a nuclear
or biological weapon hidden inside.
- Son of a bitch.
- In fact a terrorist could even use...
a shipping container
to smuggle himself into the country.
There he is.
What I saw on TV last night...
the ports are wide open.
Government's not doing shit.
- Louise, where's my butter substitute?
- Right in front of you.
You hear what I just said?
I knew it was bad...
but do you realize there's
7 million containers?
The news team put
radioactive shit in one of them.
- Wasn't even detected.
- Please, my ears.
Sit down. Sit. Come on.
I made eggs.
Could have been a goddamn A-bomb.
- You want coffee?
- Yeah.
Fucking terrible nightmares.
Yeah, it knocked the edge
right the hell off your appetite.
- What's the matter with you?
- No, it is some scary shit.
Not my problem much longer.
Speaking of scary shit, was that you
in the bathroom this morning?
Oh, yeah. I thought they already
dropped a biological weapon.
All right, I gotta go.
I thought we were gonna
do a little hunting.
- You hear the turkeys this morning?
- No, I gotta take off.
Uncle Pat, take care of yourself.
Be careful of the alligators down there.
All right, tough guy.
Hey, Ton. What'd you do?
Knock over a roadside stand?
My uncle's farm.
Less than a hundred miles from here.
It's like a whole different world.
The bullshit really falls away up there.
Hear about that shit with the ports?
I know customs agents are bad for us,
but anti-terrorism-wise, they do nothing.
What's it gonna take?
A fucking nuclear bomb?
They caught one of these Al-Qaeda
cocksuckers trying to sneak in here.
- Thank God they got him.
- There's enough they don't catch.
You gotta realize the
administration's busy, though, too.
Handing out non-competitive
building contracts to their friends.
Hell, we can all understand that.
We're fucking sitting ducks here.
The only thing between our homes...
and Port Newark is a chainlink fence.
There's a nuclear bomb in a
container and we're fucking dead.
That's why you gotta live for today.
- What'd you say?
- That's why you gotta live for today.
Talking about annihilation,
you stupid fuck!
Your kids! My kids!
Burning into cinders!
I can't even think about it.
You stupid...
Can't even fucking think about it.
Think about it now.
Thinking about it now?
- Right now?
- Hey, Tony.
Yeah, yeah, take it easy.
Take it easy. Take a walk.
- Get some air.
- Take it easy.
- Take a walk outside.
- Take it easy.
All right, everybody.
- Take it easy. Take it easy.
- Come on.
- I wake you up?
- Yeah.
I just come from the hospital.
You said you wanted to know.
Oh, how's he doing?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
Doctor has a peel at 1.
- Hi.
- How you doing, hon?
- Call me?
- Yeah.
Bye.
- See you later.
- That the dermatology nurse?
- Yeah.
- Nice looking.
Well, they get the best
skin treatments half-price.
So, what'd they say?
He's gonna be okay, the kid?
He's big, strapping. He'll be all right.
But he's got some hearing loss in one
ear. Looks like it could be permanent.
Skip, the poor fuck knows
he should keep his mouth shut.
Go over there.
You make sure he gets the best.
Thing is, Ton, he's quitting the Bing.
And he told Sil, "And I'd appreciate
it if Tony don't come visit me."
He don't wanna see you.
I told him, watch his mouth.
These things happen, T.
That's why I don't like to talk politics.
- You did?
- Please, I couldn't believe it myself.
- Well, are you going back with Tony?
- No.
- Then why'd you say it?
- I don't know, it just came out.
Asshole. He was gonna call me.
- Did he?
- Jerk.
Come in.
Hi.
Uncle Pat.
- Where's A.J?
- He's not coming.
You lose them to their friends
for a bit but he'll be back.
- Hi, Uncle Ton.
- Hey.
Soph?
- Before dinner?
- Half?
- Thank you.
- Mahatma Gandhi over here. Nice.
- Hey, Tony.
- Hey.
- I thought I heard your voice.
- Hello?
- Good game on later.
- Yeah?
I think we're on the "Do not call" list.
No, no, we're happy with our service.
Are those telemarketers?
Just hang up. Hang up!
We're just sitting down to dinner.
Okay. Please don't call again.
Thank you, thank you.
Bobby, Soph, come on.
It's a G5. It's got a 64-bit architecture.
They speak a different
language with computers.
I saw a show on computers,
how the prices have dropped so low...
that you can buy one for $500
at Costco, that's more powerful...
than the one that they used
to put the astronauts on the moon.
Good eggplant, Jan.
Yeah, delicious.
Wonder where Harpo's eating
his Sunday dinner?
What?
- Just wondering what Harpo's up to.
- Who's Harpo?
That's Hal, Janice's son.
- You have a son?
- You didn't tell us that.
You know that song,
"Harpo's Song" by Phoebe Snow?
Because that's the song
you named Harpo after, right?
He's half French-Canadian, Harpo.
All right, Tony,
make fun of a boy because of his name.
I wonder what's French-Canadian for
"I grew up without a mother"?
Sacre bleu, where is me mama?
Son of a bitch.
You fucking son of a bitch!
- Come on!
- Daddy!
- Daddy!
- You miserable fuck!
I don't got a right to ask?
I'm the boy's uncle.
Easy, sweetie, easy.
Easy, sweetie, easy.
Hate him. I hate him...