The Simpsons (1989–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - Homer Goes to College - full transcript

When a surprise inspection of the nuclear power plant reveals that Homer is not qualified to do his job, he is forced to go to college.

" The Simpsons "

D'oh!

Core meltdown in 10 seconds.

Nine, eight...

Meltdown averted. Good boy.!

What?

How dare you disturb me
during nap time?

We're from
the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

This is a surprise test
of worker competence.

There must be some mistake.

We, uh... We make cookies here.



Mr. Burns's Old-Fashioned
Good-Time Extra-Chewy...

Get the ax.

The watchdog of public safety.
Is there any lower form of life?

Don't worry, sir. I rounded up our less-gifted
employees and led them into the basement.

Duh, Homer, why are we down here?

Oh, geez! I told ya, Bernie...
to guard the bee!

- But why?
- Oh, you guys are pathetic.

No wonder Smithers
made me head bee guy.

- Uh, it's gettin' away.
- Oh, we did bad!

Hey! Uhh! Oh! Hey! Come back!

Is there a Homer Simpson present?

No, I'm afraid
he couldn't "bee" here.

Oh, yes, he's in Geneva...

chairing a conference
on nuclear fission.



Yes, that should stick.

D'oh!
The bee bit my bottom!

Now my bottom's big!

Homer, this is an exact replica
of your workstation.

Hmm?

Now we're going to simulate
a power surge in core sector 8.

What the hell are you talking about?

What do I do? What do I do?

In the name of God,
you've gotta tell me!

Relax. It's just a simulator.
Nothing can go wrong.

Just poke blindly
at the controls until they let you go.

Oh! Ohh!

Oh, no. No!
This can't be happening!

For the love of God, sir!
There are two seats!

I like to put my feet up.

Must destroy mankind.

Ooh! Lunchtime.

We're still not sure
how he caused the meltdown.

There wasn't
any nuclear material in the truck!

Very well.
It's time for your bribe.

Now, you can either have the washer and
dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing...

or you can trade it all in
for what's in this box.

The box.
The box!

Burns, this is a big problem. You just can't
throw money at it and make it go away.

Gentlemen, I've decided
there will be no investigation.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll go away.

You're in big trouble, Burns. Simpson's job
requires college training in nuclear physics.

You get your man up to speed,
or we'll be forced to take legal action.

Is that so?

Well, I have the feeling you'll be...

dropping the charges.

- The painters moved your desk, sir.
- Oh, yes.

Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in
the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by.

Would you like to come in
for tea and marshmallow squares?

Yes, he would.

- So you want me to go to college?
- College?

- Ha! Barber or clown?
- Bart!

Remember, your job
and the future of your family...

hinges on your successful completion
of Nuclear Physics 101.

Oh, and one more thing.

You must find the jade monkey...

before the next full moon.

Actually, sir,
we found the jade monkey.

It was in your glove compartment.

- And the road maps and ice scraper?
- They were in there too, sir.

Excellent!

It's all falling into place.

I think this is a great opportunity.
You could learn so much.

Maybe you're right.
I did always want to go to college.

But fate stood in the way.

Homer, sign this application
and you're a shoo-in.

That dog has somebody's ham!
This I gotta see!

Give me that ham, you stupid dog!

Dad, don't let these
application essays throw you.

Let's see: "List your three favorite books
and how they've influenced your life. "

- Is TVGuide a book? Son of Sniglet?
- No. No.

- Katherine Hepburn's Me?
- No!

Ohh! I suck!

It was the most I ever threw up,
and it changed my life forever.

You the man, Homer!

Thanks, boy.
Now for the crowning touch.

I don't know, Dad.
Don't you have a better picture?

Relax. A photo
can't make any difference.

- He looks crazy.
- Agreed.

Reading his essay would
only waste valuable seconds.

Announcer ] Finally,
the great taste of Worcestershire Sauce...

in a soft drink.!

Man ]
Ahh.! Steaky.!

Sorry, son, but there's a program
about campus life that I really should watch.

We now return to
School of Hard Knockers...

starring Corey Masterson.

Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing
unsavory happens during my visit.

As you know, I am the president
of the United States.

Oh, don't worry. I've expelled
those rowdy members of Chug-a-Lug House.

Oh, I hate that lousy dean.

Your bra bomb better work, Nerdlinger.

Mm-kay!

Cory!

Don't worry, Mr. President.

I... Mr. President!

Lighten up, Bitterman!

That youngster will make
a perfect addition to my cabinet.

Secretary of partying down!

Yes! Take that, Bitterman!

Homie, here are the responses
from the colleges you applied to.

D'oh!

D'oh! D'oh!

Whoo-hoo!
A flyer for a hardware store!

- D'oh!
- Pop, what are you gonna do?

Something I should have done
a long time ago.

- You don't know, do you?
- No, ma'am.

Don't worry, Simpson.

It just so happens
I have a chair at Springfield University.

I'm sorry, Mr. Burns,
but I must object.

This Simpson is not qualified.

I see.

Well, you know, fellas, I look at
the admissions board a lot like a baseball team.

You all like baseball, don't you?

Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club
you need teamwork.

Not some hot-dog admissions officer
playing by his own rules!

Excuse me.
What are you doing?

I'm giving you
the beating of your life!

Look, if...
Stop that.

If you wanted him that badly,
why didn't you just say so?

Smithers, dismember the corpse
and send his widow a corsage.

Whoo-hoo!
I'm a college man!

I won't need
my high school diploma anymore!

" I am so smart
I am so smart "

" I am so smart
I am so smart "

" S-M-R-T
I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T "

My first day of college.
I wish my father was alive to see this.

Hey!

- How long have you been back there?
- Three days.

Nerd!

Homer...
That isn't very nice.

Marge, try to understand.

There are two kinds of college students:
jocks and nerds.

As a jock, it is my duty
to give nerds a hard time.

- Hey, pal! Did you get a load of the nerd?
- Pardon me?

I'll be a campus hero.

Attention, everyone.

The punch has been spiked!

Don't worry. Your parents have been called
and will be here to pick you up shortly!

Yea!

Marge, someone squeezed
all the life out of these kids.

And unless movies and TV
have lied to me...

it's a crusty, bitter, old dean.

Hi there. Hello. I'm Dean Peterson,
but you can call me Bobby.

I just want you to know, if you ever feel
stressed out from studying or whatever...

I'm always up
for some Hacky Sack.

Or if you just want to come by and jam,
I used to be the bass player for the Pretenders.

Boy, I can't wait to take some of
the starch out of that stuffed shirt.

Good morning
and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101.

I see a lot of new faces,
but you know the old saying...

"Out with the old, in with the nucleus. "

Now we'll begin by...
Oops.

Ah, did you see that jerk?

Dropped his notes!

Now, if anyone would like to stay...

I'm going to hold a comprehensive
review session after every class.

- Do we have to?
- No.

Then kiss my curvy butt good-bye.

Whoo-hoo!

Homer, we have
a perfectly good bookcase.

Yeah, but this is what
they're doing on campus.

Besides, it isn't costing us. I swiped
the cinder blocks from a construction site.

Sir, six cinder blocks are missing.

There'll be no hospital then.
I'll tell the children.

This proton accelerator
destabilizes the atom...

in this chamber here,
then propels it...

Uh, excuse me,
Professor Brainiac...

but I worked in a nuclear power plant
for 10 years...

and, uh, I think I know
how a proton accelerator works.

- Well, please come down and show us.
- All right. I will.

- In there, guys.
- Thanks, Homer.

Homer, no one blames you
for the accident.

We simply feel you might benefit
with a little outside tutoring.

I researched these names myself.

Yeah, you won this round, Dean...

but the war isn't over.

Hello.

Hello, Dean. You're a stupid-head!

Homer, is that you?

Hiya, gang.

- Intruder alert. Intruder alert.
- Stop the humanoid.

Look, I'm supposed to
get a physics tutor.

You've come to the right place.
If there's one thing we know, it is science.

- And math.
- And the words to every Monty Python routine.

We are the knights who say "Ni!"

Ni! Ni! Ni!

Ni.

We played Dungeons and Dragons
for three hours.

Then I was slain by an elf.

Listen to yourself, man.
You're hangin' with nerds.

- You take that back!
- Homer, please.

These boys sound very nice,
but they're clearly nerds.

Really? But nerds
are my mortal enemy.

Dad, nerds are nothing to fear. In fact,
they've done some pretty memorable things.

Some nerds of note include
popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher...

rock star David Byrne
and Supreme CourtJustice David Souter.

Oh, not Souter!

Oh, no!

Come on, Mr. Simpson.

You'll never pass this course
if you don't know the periodic table.

- I'll write it on my hand.
- Oh!

Including all known
lanthanides and actinides?

Good luck.

Come on, guys.

Look at yourselves!
All you do is study.

I'm gonna show you
the true meaning of college.

We're gonna go out and par-ty!

Wait a minute.
I'll put on my snow pants.

- Me too.
- Me too.

Ah, the college road trip.

What better way to spread
beer-fueled mayhem?

If you're going for a ride,
I'd like you to take Bart and Lisa.

But, Marge, we're college guys,
and we're up to no good.

Mr. Simpson,
Gary spilled his ear medicine.

Oh, those baby ducks
were so cute.

I can't believe they let us
walk right up and feed them.

- I need to go to the bathroom.
- We stopped five minutes ago.

Someone knocked on the door,
and I couldn't go.

I'm telling you. A big, crazy prank
is just what the doctor ordered.

The dean will go nuts.

I got it!

We wait by his mailbox,
and when he comes outside...

we roll him up in a carpet
and throw him off a bridge!

So it's a prank
you're looking for, is it?

I'll give you your prank.

The only other college in 50 miles
is Springfield A&M...

so they're our best target.

- Those bastards.
- Meet Sir Oinkcelot...

the beloved mascot
of Springfield A&M.

Here he is presiding
over last year's homecoming.

Here he is conferring
an honorary degree on Richard Nixon.

And here he is rolling in his own filth.

Gentlemen, I propose
we kidnap Sir Oinkcelot.

And then we roll him up in a carpet
and throw him off a bridge!

What?

Look, you pull its tail straight...

and it curls right back up again.

Curly, straight.
Curly, straight.

Curly, straight. Curly, straight.

Mr. Simpson,
I don't think he likes that.

Of course he does.
He's a cute little piggy.

Curly, straight.
Curly, straight. Ow!

- Why, you little...
- Mr. Simpson, stop!

It's a defenseless animal!

- The pig's acting kinda funny.
- He and Mr. Simpson split a case of malt liquor.

Guys, he's really sick.

Hello!
That sounds like a pig fainting.

I'm sorry, boys.

I- I've never expelled anyone before,
but that pig had some powerful friends.

Oh, you'll pay.
Don't think you won't pay!

Guys, believe me.
I didn't mean to get you expelled.

Don't worry, Mr. Simpson.
We can take care of ourselves.

Ah, wallet inspector.

Oh, here you go.
I believe that's all in order.

I can't believe that worked!

Hey! That's not
the wallet inspector.

Marge, they don't have
anywhere to stay.

And they're geniuses.
They'll solve all our problems.

They'll elevate us to the status
of kings on Earth!

- Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds.
- Oh, for the love of...

What's wrong with this phone?
It's making crazy noises.

Those crazy noises
are computer signals.

Some guys at M.I.T. are sending us reasons
why Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk.

Ha! They're out of their minds.

Oh, I heard about this. This is the one
where Scratchy finally gets Itchy.

Wow!

My purpose in life
is to witness this moment.

We need the outlet for our rock tumbler.

- Plug it in! Plug it in!
- What, the rock tumbler or the TV?

The TV! The TV!

"Show "

Wow! They'll never let us show that again,
not in a million years!

Dad, start digging
some nerd holes.

It's bad enough they put their retainers
in the dishwasher. Can't we do something?

Look, I'm sure we can work something out
where we can all live in harmony.

- Right, Marge?
- No, I want those geeks out of my house.

You really think you can
get us back into college?

Absolutely.

Now, the only antidote
to a zany scheme...

is an even zanier scheme!

Why does it have to be zany?

I've got it!

We're gonna fix it
so you guys save the dean's life.

Perfect.

Okay, guys. We push him out of the way
in exactly three seconds.

Should we correct
for wind resistance?

Hmm, possibly.
What do you think?

Oh, my.

Well, Dean, I'm really sorry
for the running-you-over prank.

- Prank?
- And all those other pranks were my idea too.

I'm the one who should be expelled.

Well, I'm touched by your honesty.

And who knows...
Perhaps I've been a bit of an ogre myself.

- Yes, you have.
- How's this?

I'll readmit your friends...

and we'll forget
this whole silly incident ever occurred.

Oh, Dean. This is what
your new hip is going to look like.

You're gonna have to go easy on it.

Oh, it's good to be back
after all these weeks.

Better check our answering machine.

Number of messages received: zero.

We really want to thank you, Mr. Simpson.

Ah, no problem, guys.

The important thing is
that we wrapped up all the loose ends.

So, in conclusion, good luck
on tomorrow's big final exam.

Exam? Oh!

This is just like one of those bad dreams!

What are you gonna do, Mr. Simpson?

Actually,
I've been working on a plan.

During the exam,
I'll hide under some coats...

and hope that somehow
everything will work out.

Or with our help, you can cram
like you've never crammed before!

Whatever.
Either way is good.

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, man.
I can't believe you failed.

Oh, I'm gonna lose my job
just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified!

Mr. Simpson, there is a way.

We could, well, use a computer
to change your grade.

Computers can do that?

Oh, yes. The only problem is
the moral dilemma it raises, which requires...

Oh, I love... Moral whuzzah?

An A-plus!
How did you do it?

Oh, let's just say I had help
from a little magic box.

- You changed your grade with a computer?
- D'oh!

Way to go, Dad!

The important thing is
that we all learned a lesson.

These guys learned the richness and variety
of the world outside college.

- No, we didn't.
- Oh.

Then I learned the real value of college
is to study and work hard.

No, you didn't. You only passed your course by
cheating, which you always taught us was wrong.

Hmm. True.

And I learned that in order for you
to set a good example for your son...

you're gonna take that course over again
without cheating.

Oh, Marge! You're worse
than that crusty old dean.

Well, I guess it's back to college for me.

That means it's time to...
What did I teach you guys?

Par-ty down?

Yes!

Shh!